Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

I was going to sleep early. I got the sofabed ready, and father saw that I was getting ready to sleep early. He just had to put his 2cents worth into it. He started lecturing me that I need to sleep early so that I can wake up during the night to suction mom. He went on and on about how I sleep at night and don't wake up until 4am to suction her. (By the way, that's not true all the time. I can swear to you all that yesterday, I got up at 2am, 3am, 4am..I just don't get up Every time she coughs. I wake up on the bad ones. That's why I woke up this morning at 6am so exhausted. I didn't get any real sleep. Plus, every time I got up, my darn foot was hurting!) Father complained how he can't sleep cause his wife is choking and I'm sleeping. On and on....the thing is...even BEFORE his stroke, he also slept most of the night until 4am! I know because sometimes I would read until 2am, mom coughs phlegm, and he never stirred from his sleep. So, here he is lecturing me on something that he used to do too! AND, he went on and on about how I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of them! I got angry and told him that I'm having health problems too. He just didn't care. It was all about me taking care of them. I told him if that I died, no one's going to care for them as good as I'm doing now. He told me to go ahead and die... ;-) So....in the past, I would have fantasized doing that. I don't do that now. I have a foolproof Plan of suicide that is no laughing matter or to be taken lightly. I cannot afford to even Fantasize about it because once the idea is born to do it, it will germinate in my brains until it grows and grows. Then one day in full frustration, I will finalize it to the end. So, I can't afford to fantasize about death now. Too bad...that was one of my favorite past-time fantasies. FYI, whenever you all say that I need to take care of myself so that I can care for my parents - it just rubs me sooooo wrong because that's ALL I ever hear from HIM. It just makes me want to rebel when you all say that. When I post to people, I don't say those words at all. Every time I read those words, I Hear Him Saying it to Me! .... I was sleepy. But, he got me so angry, the sleepiness went away.

I'm going to put an icy wash cloth on my leg. Changing mom's pampers this morning had put a strain on my left leg. Then, the parking lot at the office is far from the building. Then walking up 3 flights. My foot was fine. But not the part of my leg that is between the knee and ankle. The muscle was throbbing. By midmorn, I was limping. Torn between restroom on the 2nd floor (just walk down the hall and the the stairs) or the restroom on the other end of the building (but no stairs). I walked a few steps and it was hurting bad. So, I chose the stairs. Went home for lunch and wrapped the elastic bandage on it. Helped a little. So, this is the area that I will put ice pack and then wrap for the night. Had to vent and get it all out so that I can TRY to sleep. Later!!

Lildeb – -I just loved your cats’ story. Blu and Vera.
Linda – -I don’t remember my dreams at all. If I do, it’s always a nightmare. I hate those! But even those are rare.
Austin—that was sooo cute about your cat waking you up every hour just to check if you’re really there. I just never knew that cats can think like that! Actually, to be truthful, I have heard MORE PET STORIES here than in person. I just find it fascinating. We only had dogs for pets and those were Outside dogs. We did Not Spoil them like you all do. I think we grew up with Practicality and not for companionship. So,when I read all of your pet stories, I just find it soooo fascinating. But not fascinating enough to get one.
Diane – believe it or not, I still remember you! When I don’t see you posting, I wonder about it but I figured you were “lurking” like others do. And that when you feel like venting, you would vent. I’m glad that you were able to get a break!

Cat, Meanwhile, Stormy, and all: I get these really bad dizzy spells several times a year. It can last for a month or more. I still remember in my early 20’s driving with friends when the dizziness hit. I was quick to pull over and stop the car. My friends asked what was wrong and I told them about it. So, we switched seats and I became the passenger. I’m so used to these dizzy spells that I can’t tell when it’s a result of something worse – like my heart infection about 4 years ago. I was leaving the exam room at the clinic when the dizziness hit, and my whole body slammed against the wall. Doc got me back on the exam table and my heart from a scale of 1-7, and 7 being really bad – my heart was a 6. So, bed rest for 6 weeks (not listened – still did the laundry, etc..- got lectured by home care nurse.) and a lousy IV needle stuck in my arm the whole time….These dizziness I think is from Exhaustion from Lack of Deep Sleep. We all need to have a Deep Sleep for our body to truly rest. The last time I had this was when sis from Colorado visited August 2011 for one month. I slept in my bedroom the whole time she was here. I sure miss that…..She didn’t want to come this year. Her boss had already put aside for her 1 month to come here. Sis had to tell her boss that she was Not coming this year. Oh, sis doesn’t have the money to come here. It costs about $1800-2200 to fly here. That’s a lot of money. I think the dizziness is from lack of real sleep.....BuT I will bring it up with the doc on my blood test follow-up visit. Later! Time to do pampers, trache and then sleep.

Book: I hope your ankle is better. I understand your low blood pressure could be the cause of the dizziness, but I think we also have to give some credit to the long hours your work at your job and taking care of parents. I don't know how you do it. Let us know about the blood tests.

Deef: Yes there is a big difference between 55 and 63. We had lunch last week with a couple up the road from us. He is now 71. Great people, physically fit, etc. and he was saying how much strength he has lost physically since age 65. So I guess we are on the downhill slide into the wimp swamp. I think I need to get into a weight lifting class. Anything to get the muscle strength up.

I just started going to a simple toning class with another neighbor. No stress here, most everyone is over 70 and I can hold my own. Here's a tip for stress relief. Stand up straight with your arms down alongside your body. Just turn the palms of your hands facing forward and then roll your shoulders back. I carry so much tension in my neck and shoulder area and this is such a good little exercise to relive it. It also reminds you of your posture. Just turning your palms forward puts your shoulders back where they belong.

Stormy: Sending you love and comfort. Thanks for mentioning my dad's passing and me getting my footing. It will come and I'm glad to know I have friends to share the journey with. I know how much your mom meant to you. Thanks for sharing.

Lildeb: You are an awesome woman and I love you to bits.

Meanwhile: I love your horses. Wish I could ride them, but I have a long history of ending up on my back, looking up. Now I am talking about horses here.

Bobbie: Keeping you close and in my prayers. Of course, that includes Boat Angel. I think of you as one.

Rip: It was windy and rainy today. How about you?

Mame: Hope your weekend was fun.

Love to all, Cat

Book- I am glad that your ankle feels some better and i hope that you were able to make it up the stairs without too much pain. Try to keep ice on it and keep it elevated as much as possible. I was thinking about you tonight and your dizzy spells and i was wondering about other health issues that your parents might have like; diabetes, blood pressure problems, heart problems or any other ones that maybe could have been passed down to you that you are not aware of. Just trying to figure out the dizzy spells and what is the cause of them. ((((hugs))))
Lildeb- hopefully i will not be having to fast anymore. Since they did find out that i don't have diabetes, but i do have hypothyroidism. Take care.
Meanwhile- Glad that you got to go horse back riding and that you had a good time. I can see where that would be fun and relaxing!
Linda- I am hoping that the nightmares go away soon. I know that is stressful not being able to get a good nights sleep. I will be praying that it gets better for you.
Deef- Yes, i am trying to keep those thoughts at bay. Just take it one day at a time right now. Connor is doing good. He had his soccer game today and he scored 2 goals. So we were happy about that. Next sunday he plays against the little girl that is in his class that he has a crust on. I told my hubby tonight i think connor isn't going to be chasing the ball next sunday, but mattie instead. Can't wait to see that game... Hehe... And tomorrow me and hubby get to eat lunch with connor at school. This will be the first time that we have done this so we are excited about it.
(((hugs)))
Cat- Of course it is always great to hear from you. I know things seem so strange right now for you and it's a whole new ball game, trying to get back to how things used to be before the whole caregiving thing started. I know it is a adjustment for you and i'm sure that it is something that is just going to take time. Staying busy will help or it helped me when my mom died. I just had to stay busy because if i wasn't then my mind would wander and it hurt too bad to think or remember her so i had to build up a wall. Now i can look back and remember her and all the happy times we shared together, yes it still hurts but it is not as painful as it was that first year that we lost her. Still keeping you in my prayers. Well i will chat with ya'll tomorrow. Love and hugs stormy

Linda, What can I say? We all know how much you loved your Pa and you were lucky that he knew this. It 's going to take time to regain your strength and move on. I'm sure losing your niece in the middle of all this added to your pain. Sleep should be helping you heal. I'm sorry you are having those nightmares. They sound very scary. Maybe your doctor could give you something to help you. It might help just to talk to him about what is happening. Or you could do I like do and "slurp" a beer just like you did in the good old days! I know a small glass at night helps me when I'm over the top with Mom. Anyway, I hope you can find peace soon.
Diane, you lucky dog! Happy you were able to get away! Love walking on the beach, but accept for walking along Puget Sound with Rip last June, I haven't been on an East coast beach in 3 years. Haven't been anywhere since my trip to Seattle last June! Such is life.
Austin, Nice that you got so far away! Are you still making prayer shawls? Crazy cats! Lildeb, sounds like you have the little devils too! I have 4 and Tut, the biggest one, love to wake me up several times a night. Austin, I'm sure yours is very happy you are home!
Stormy, good to hear you are less stressed! It's so hard to keep those thoughts from creeping into your head. How's Conner doing?
Book, Hope that ankle is feeling better. It's so hard to take care of ourselves when we are so busy with everyone else. As for re-evaluating, it's something I do every now and then, but I still keep doing what I'm doing, so I know what you mean! I love to knit because I can pick it up and put it down when I need to, and it doesn't take up a lot of space. I also love to paint, but I need a room to set things up in so that I can work on projects when I have time. Now I just pull my paint projects out before the holidays and do what I can. I like to read too, but haven't for a while. I plan on catching up this winter, after the holidays.
Meanwhile, Donkey parade? That sounds like such fun!!!
Mame, How was the football game?
Cat, Big difference between 55 and 63. I wish I was 55 again. I looked 45, weighed 25lbs less, and my body was in great physical shape. My job was very physical and required a lot of heavy lifting. Now I'm a mess and can't seem to get back on track. The care giver's curse!!
Hey Bobbie! Did you get to talk to Pirate?
Okay, I'm toast!!! Going to feed my cats and get my a$$ to bed! Night everyone!

Sometimes are dreams are reminders that we have lost ourselves. It is our minds way of letting us know that we have to leave something behind. If we are not moving forward, then we are stuck. Redefining ourselves isn't easy. Understanding a new reality isn't easy either. For me, I know if I have recurrent bad dreams it is because that inner part of me is trying to come to the surface and tell me something. This isn't true for everyone. I think it is true for me.

Diane: I thought what you said was so absolutely true. When we become care givers we do end up having two different lives. We leave behind who we were and slowly become consumed with this new life of demands. When they leave us, we are left with a hole to fill. It's not about remembering them, because of course we will, it's about finding our way back to who we were before. I'm just beginning that journey. I knew I missed my life, but now I'm trying to remember what it felt like and it's going to take some time. After 7 years, it's not that I just don't remember, it's that I am older too and things change physically. I'm not the exuberant person I was when I retired at age 55. I'm me at 63 and so much has been on hold.

Linda: My heart really goes out to you. You have been grieving so long for your dad. It's almost like he was the only real thing in your life. I don't mean to hurt you in any way. I love and respect you immensely, but you need to take a look at where the loss is coming from. Maybe you had some loss in your heart when you took on caring for your dad and the honesty, love and respect you both shared filled that space up. Now he is gone and you not only have the loss from before, but are missing the one thing that filled it up. I don't know, Linda. I could be as full of shit as a Christmas goose, but think about it. You need to have a vision for a your life. If you don't, you will live everyday just knowing what you have experienced to this point. Kind of like Ground Hogs Day. Same thing every day.

Bobbie had her boat. I'm trying to find my vision and reading up on some things to help me move forward. I guess I am just sharing what I am trying to do for me. Finding our way back isn't easy.

Sending you love, Linda, and tons of white light. Cat

Diane, so glad to hear you got away for a few days. Good for you. Linda, good to hear from you. Sorry about the nightmares. I had those for a while, I try to relax when I go to bed, and picture someplace nice in my mind. But, last night I dreamed we got 4 feet of snow. It isn't even cold here yet. Got to go for my Sunday horseback ride. My Sis rode Omaha, I rode my old horse, Indio rode our 12 year old horse. We rode down to the highway, then across to a road that goes up to a high look out. Omaha did great, even when the motorcycle went by. I guess he has just been through so much, that nothing really bothers him. Have to get ready for work tomorrow. Going to be a busy week. Step Dad's CT scan is on Wed. Love you guys.

Hi Crew,

I've been MIA because I actually got a BREAK!!!!!!!!! I received my respite voucher from the Alzheimer Organization and BF and I ran away to Myrtle Beach. I'm sorry I didn't tell you all before hand, but I had to cancel out at the last minute when I tried two weeks ago to get away. I decided I wasn't going to jinx it this time. James and I just relaxed and walked the beach. We even stopped at the hotel bar and had a drink. It was nice to not have to worry about anyone but ourselves. Mom brought me right back to reality when I got home. She was telling me all sorts of tales about going to a police station and having an accident and 40 children all around her etc etc etc.
Book, you are an amazing caregiver. I admire your strength and devotion to your family. I remember the first time I sent an email to you was to tell you not to kill yourself. I had just attempted suicide a couple months before. I beat myself up daily because I'm not the patient type. I get so frustrated with my mom. When she gets mean, it just wounds me to the core.
Deef, I don't know what I would do with a $1200 heating bill. I can't handle the $350 summer electric costs. I admire that you make time for your creative side. I just get so tired of even trying and then mom demanding my time that I've stopped trying. I often say to my bf that I don't know who I am now. I feel like I've lived two different live, before caregiving and now.

I have to get going. Mom is giving me the stink-eye because I'm paying more attention to the computer than to her. Have a good night all!

Love ya,
Diane

Linda!!
sorry you are experiencing this awful stress and I hope you get some peace.
It's rough coming out on the other side of this as we all know. Love you back!

Austin! good to see from you and I'm glad you are ok.

Love you guys and this is all I got tonight.

lovbob

The first night I was home my cat woke me up every hour to check that I was really there and still does not want me out of sight-it is hard to get back into the grove of my life. Linda good to hear from you.

hi u all . hope the wind doesnt blow u all away .
my puter were down for a while and now got it up and going again .
austin ! glad u got away and came back home safe !!
cricket ! enjoy ur time away from home . hugs to u and my pal ...
rest of you guys hugss xoxox .

i am doing ok , not been lookin for a job . remmy im a shitofranic .. lol dont think anybody wants me around lol ....
sat out in the barn today with my hubby , started stressing out . looked at my phone , theres my pa (background picture) . i broke down crying . realized i didnt take my meds today . ahh ... i sure miss my good ole pa .
i slept 16 hrs yesterday . dreams i had were so awful ! i woke up realized i had that same damn dream before ! why am i dreamin it again but only it was 16 hrs of it ! couldnt wake up . i think i had died and was livin in tunnel among with dirty water and rats everywhere . now thats a shame , i was tellin my hubby about it , i broke down crying why am i dreamin that for ? i m a good person and go out of my way to help people and loved my father and cared for him for 4 yrs in my arms . why couldnt i dream that im in a fancy home with white picket fence and watching over the sunset ocean with my maragritta . why couldnt i dream that ? no i dream terrible !! scares me . anyway thats my life so far .
i dont want to work . dont want to deal with stupid ass people out there . oh wait a min im a shitofranic , duhhh
bobbie - love u bunch !!
cattails- i grief for u when ur pa passed away , many hugs and kisses at your way ...
xoxo

Well Stated Cat!
lovbob

Hey everyone: I just want to make something very clear. I like the FB caregiver page and I don't want my previous post to give anyone the wrong impression. I think both have their place. I do agree with Deef that the GO thread and others are great support to all who are new posters and old posters for friendship and support.

The FB page is awesome for allowing people to give some links and for quick posts about what's going on in their lives and to hook up with personal FB pages etc.

What I like about GO is that comments are often more in depth.

Hope that makes sense. Cat

Playing catch-up here. Stormy, I cannot stand every time I have to do a fasting b/s .lab work. It's hard to even crawl out of bed just knowing that I cannot have any coffee until after lab. I have even cut-down my caffeine to half-n-half. I feel ya n I hope your lab turn out good.
Kritini, a lot of us have been in your situation of the missing comments n where did it go? I just re-post later.
Cat, I think a lot of us opened r hearts without having preparation ahead of time as being a caregiver for someone with an illness that's not easy to understand. However, we try r best n learned as we go, just as you did for both of your parents with both open arms, heart n soul. As for the class on care-giving, It would had been nice but, you know as some of us that, there is no books that could or will prepare us for some of the crap mess that we have dealt with on a daily basis. The books or classes would help prepare us somewhat n that would better than no preparation. ; ) As for being the bad person in the caregivers eyes, I too fit in those shoe when it come to the mnl sometimes.. Then, later she will say stuff like, "I don't know what I do without her." Of course, I could take that the negative way like, I am her personal slave or I can take it the positive way that, she needs me because she cares n trust me enough to allow me to help her. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your mom treated u sometimes like the villain that, she loved n trusted by allowing u to take care of her n that she felt close enough to her daughter that she openly let you know that she knew her mind was going. That is a lot to muster for any person to admit. I think it it was a bit of dementia n pain-killer meds that may have contribute to way your mom"s mind worked. Either way, You did the best you could n YOU did a great job too! Never have that doubt in you, please. You are a wonderful loving person.
Bookworm, glad to hear that sis is helping you a little bit n that the most n important thing is that u r getting a little rest. U can breathe a little n I bet it felt great to just sat n relax for awhile. I agree with the others about talking with the hospital place about your dad's bill n his situation. I think that if u can afford $10.00 bucks each month without him noticing that they won't bother you but u still need to talk to someone at the hospital. Our mnl has no problem of us paying her bills n if she loses her purse at store or somewhere, she doesn't care too much for she will just respond with, "I have plenty of money in the bank." However, she does not have plenty! So our situation seems total opposite as yours yet the similar as for them being a pain in the ass sometimes. ; ) I just couldn't help myself. Have u gotten that dizziness checked out yet? You really need to get that checked out n I know it easier said than done, but if your not around then who will take care of dad? Plus, what would we all do if your were not posting on here? We be lost without you so.... get it checked please....
Deef, if the sleeping situation of meds is working for both of you then go for it as long as it's not harming you too. There s nothing wrong in getting some shut eyes plus, she seems happy the next sun-rise.
My two indoor spoiled cats can be a pain in the ass in AM. When they try to wake me up before 6am, I will use my water squirt bottle on them. Blu, he will scratch the door or try chewing on my shoes in order to get me up. Spoiled Vera well, let just say she can get very talkative sometimes. I usually will get up around 6am n feed them just so hubby can get some x-tra zzzz before he has to get up for work. Yet, I refuse to get up earlier than that to feed those spoiled children. Oh, at bedtime, Ms Vera seem to like to torture n jump on Blu. The problem there is that, once Blu gets mads, he don't know when to stop being mad n he will kick her butt n have her screaming for mercy for he will bite her. So, I have to pull out the little water squirt spray bottle on her to stop it before it gets out of control. They r worse than 'real' kids sometimes. I hope everyone has a great weekend for I am going to try.

Mame – Atleast you know how to knit! I envy anyone who can knit, sew, paint, cook, bake, and any other abilities! Sigh…I’m like the Jill-of-all-trades in so-so stuff. But, that may be my low self-esteem cuz people do rave when I sew from scratch or alter desserts from the original recipe. At the moment, all artistic abilities are scarce…like you about 20-years dormant. But, Ifigured if you all can do something that you’re good at – you can sell it to friends/family/neighbors/flea market, etc…
Stormy – glad that you won’t be dwelling on the “what if” of the future. Just take it one day at a time. Cancer is very prevalent on this island. I’ve known and several people have told me that they knew of a “Karen who died of cancer.” I try not to dwell on it because I fear if you believe it enough, it might come true.
Bobbie – I do what needs to be done. The stress of my foot, father’s mouth, and then this morning he was in a very lousy mood. I was too. A thought did pop up that I can end this all once and for all. But, it was just a stray thought. No desire to DO it. But, I will admit that this was one time that I had Wished that the desire was there too. I guess I was feeling pity for myself…..
Bobbie, Cat – Thanks for the reassurance it’s normal. I feel, as a Christian, that I should be long suffering, patient, etc… And I am just sooooo off-the-wall from THAT!
Deef – what’s there to re-evaluate? No, need to tell me. I know.
Stormy – I put a wet washclothe on the icy water and then wrapped it around my foot, lastnight. It felt sooo good! I kept on until I could no longer enjoy the coldness. Massaged the foot, wrapped it and slept with it elevated. Struggle to get up during the night to suction mom. Painful. But this morning at 610am, it was okay. Don’t know how I’m going to walk up 3 flights of steps to work. Elevator is old and tiny – claustophic.

Hippointes – my mom has nail problems. I wear eye glass. I have to take it off to cut her nails and I still make her bleed. I really hate doing it. I wear gloves when I do cuz it looks like she has fungus and I don’t want it to spread to my fingers.

Hey everybody, just wanted to pop in for a minute and tell all of you thank you for the advice. I am putting my mind at ease. I can tell that i am not as stressed about it, although it is frustrating to be this exhausted. It just seems like everything tires me out so badly. Walking from one room to the next and i have to sit down. Just zapped of energy. But i wanted to tell you all thank you for the advice, support and for caring about me.
Book- ice that ankle sweetie. Love ya and i hope it is better tomorrow.
Cattails-Glad you are back, i was worried about you. I know i've got to quit with the what if's. Sorry, i am bad about jumping ahead of myself, putting the cart before the horse. I will try to do better. Well i hope all of you have a good sunday. I've got to get some zzzzzzz. So i will chat later with ya'll. Love and hugs stormy

Christina, so good to hear from you. I know you and Cricket will have a blast. Sorry to hear your Mom is doing worse.
Bobbi, I know you are worried about your Boat Angel. Wish I could tell you all will be well, but all I can honestly say is hang in there, and try to take things one day at a time.
Austin, sounds like you had quite the vacation. Hope you had a great time.
Book, you are amazing. I don't know how you do everything. Worried about you though. Your spells, and now your ankle.
Went to a donkey parade today. Very cute. Then they had a pack race. Where these cowboys loaded a pack saddle, and ran a course. The cowboys were dressed like they usually do, hats, boots, western shirts, except they all had on jogging shorts, instead of jeans. You know those very short shorts. Running down the road dragging a donkey, except for the couple that were being dragged by their donkeys. It was hilarious.

Austin: Glad you are back. Get your wits about you and then get your ass back here.

Deef!!: I agree that this is the best place to talk and post. The FB page is not that exciting. Some people post, but it's usually just a quick sentence. Don't know why they just don't do it here. I think the idea of the FB caregivers page was just to let us post some helpful links, etc., that would not be deleted by AC. Other than that, GO is the place to be. Deef!! We all admire you and all you do. Don't ever doubt that and we are all better for your postings. Keep them coming.

Book: You have a lot of support on this thread and others. We all love you and can't begin to imagine how you juggle all the balls. As Bobbie said, "There is nothing wrong with you." You have been placed by your family and your religious believes into the situation that you are in, nevertheless, you are always there for all of us with your words of encouragement. You will find your way in your own time. No one has to walk in your shoes, but you. We will support you any way we can and hope that your future is bright.

Bobbie: I am praying your Boat Angel. I so want for you to have your overdue happiness. Thanks for being here for us and posting more frequently. Sending you love and white light.

Mame: Enjoy the weekend. You are such a good soul and I pray that you find a way to get more of your life back. Cant' always do it without some hard decisions, but we are here to support your choices. Thanks for your kind words to me on my wall post. I'm not beating myself up, just feeling what comes into my heart.

Cricket: Again, have the best two weeks of your life. Fill us in when you get back. We all need uplifting thoughts and ideas.

Stormy: Listen my sweet girl. There's a quote and right now I can't remember who said it, but it goes something like this: "I spent most of my life worrying about things that never happened." Everyday, when you get up, try to take a little time to write down the good things in your life. You are under stress with your dad and wanting to be the best mom for Connor. You also have your sis to deal with and her need for you to reduce your stress. You also have a wonderful husband, who you need to be a partner with for the future of your family. Your dad can afford to pay for some in home care. Focus on you and your husband and Connor. You are going to have a long life so don't dwell on the negatives. Trust your doc and if you feel the need for a second opinion, then get one so you feel more secure. I know it's a step at a time for you, but you can do it and you are very well loved on the GO thread, so hang in there with us.

Christina: Good to hear from you. Don't know if you are aware that my dad passed. Wishing the best for your mom and your personal happiness. I hope you and Cricket have an great visit.

Tbailey: Get back on the GO thread and let us all know what is going on in your life. We miss your posts and care so much about you. Wishing you happiness and understand it's a hard road you are on.

Jen: Sorry about the old man pee smell. Take Deef's advise about the dollar store fabrise. Hope fart pants kicks the bucket soon.

Diane: This is your home base. Check in and give us an update. I miss hearing from you and so does everyone else. My heart goes out to you.

Meanwhile: I hope things are ok with your FIL. Let us know the test results.

OK, I know I missed some of you. I'll say more tomorrow. Just want you all to know how much I love you all.

Love and white light. Cat

Bobbie just let someone try to lecture you-it will not be allowed-I got back yesterday and feel brain dead it will take time to get back in gear-went from home to PA for two days then to West Virginia for three days then next day to LA for 2 days then up into the mountains for 4 days then back to LA for 2 days then back to PA for 2 days then back home via my bil's puddle jumper in CT. where my son picked me up so am exhausted but the wedding was nice and I had never been to Calif. so that was an experience.

Geez Louise Book! Time to step back and reevaluate your situation. Hope the blood work just shows too much stress in your life and not something really serious. And yes, Mom is bad here too! The dementia is advanced to the point where we have to do everything for her. Wash, dress, feed, toilet, the works. She is wheelchair bound because she can no longer walk safely because of Parkinsons and the dementia just adds to it with no clue as to what is safe or unsafe for her to attempt. And yes, I rant and rave and scream all the time! It helps me to keep my sanity. She has LTC insurance that has been helping pay for in home help for the last 3 1/2 years and we are lucky to have an adult day health program a couple street over from where we live. She is there 3 days from 9-3. the other 4 days I have Merry here to sit with her. I still help and do the meals and meds, etc. Sometimes she is very difficult and it takes 2 of us to handle her. the LTC money will run out by the end of the year, so I have some choices to make. I won't be able to have Merry here for as many hours as she is now. So 1 more day at daycare may be an option. The fee for that is paid by a local eldercare service with a small co-pay from Mom. Without that, she would not be able to go. I'm very lucky they take her, as she is a lot of work! I'm hoping she can stay at home until she decline so much that the NH will be the next stop. Right now she is too active and gets agitated easily. In a NH, they would drug her silly to keep her down. At home we can tie her in her wheelchair, there they can only use chemical restraints. Pretty much that is why she is still at home.
And yes, if I had no help, I would probably have placed her a while ago.
Christina!!!!! Good to hear from you. Have a nice visit.
Hipoint, Maybe the podiatrist can help. In the meantime, try to distract your dad when he starts talking about dying. Change the subject, turn on the TV, play some music, or bring out a deck of cards. It won't be easy, but try it anyway. If that doesn't help, walk away and don't listen. It could be he's looking for attention. Doe she have dementia? if so, redirection might work. They tend to get stuck on a thought and won't let go. Good luck!
Got some yardwork done and my air conditioners are out. Now I need to get supper for Mom , then us. maybe I'll clean the bathroom tonight after Mom is in bed.

Christina!!
It is so good to see you here and yes, I got your email and deserve a slap with the Texas Flyswatter for not responding earlier!!

Yes, I can relate, as you know to the shot out physicality and my mind is getting better but I bet I'm not as sharp as you!
So happy that you and Miss Cricket are going to have some fun! Huge.

I love you and miss you Christina and can't tell you how good it is to see you!

lovbob

Good Morning to my old Friends, and hello to caregivers I have not met.
I thought it was about time to check in. I received a hug from someone I don't know this morning, and thought that was a sign. Lol
I put my Mother on hospice end of last month. She is jabbering non stop except when she sleeps. She can answer yes or no, other than that, I cannot understand her. It is so frustrating, to want to respond to her, to help her, but I can't.
My sister is back in town and we are still not speaking. I do send her updates on our Mother, and she lets me know when she will visit her. Brother is distantly supportive and has come down to see her twice. Which I instigate. And pay for. Whatever.
I do not read posts anymore, but I think of you all and wish you the best. I am looking forward to spending time with Cricket next week. She is a wonderful friend. Eeeee! I'm excited!:)
Work keeps me very busy and I'm doing what I love in a creative field. My daughter is engaged and we are meeting our son's GF tonight. They have been dating for 5 months and no fights, so I hope this works out for them!
It has been a little over a year since I quit hands-on caregiving, and it has taken a toll on my body, but my mind is better than ever. KW, TG. Kicking my sister's condescending ass out of my house last year did wonders for my mental health.
Anyway, I send Big Hugs to all. Captain, sent you an email and the book. Sorry. Had some distractions and procrastinations:(
Love and Blessings,
Christina xo

Book, there is nothing wrong with you. You are a sane person in an insane situation. Caregiving is making a rational person deal with lunacy and it is crazy making to put it mildly.
Some people think that it's the greatest gift in the world to do this sh!! but we know differently.
Why do you think that no one ever wants to help out? They know it sucks big time and do everything they can to avoid it!
They know how they feel when they visit and do everything they can to not get stuck in that situation again. If you are the family member who will pick up the slack the rest of your family will pile trouble and aggravation on your back like you are a Grand Canyon mule and never look back.

I would NEVER do this again and if I knew then what I know now I would have placed my mother ASAP and told everybody to kiss my ass.

My advice is always the same. While you still have your wits about you, find a good home and put them in it. If you wait too long, you will be beat down by friends and relatives and will have no energy to do the legwork to find a suitable facility.
The ultimate cost is you. No one else but you.

There are some on this thread that have attempted suicide because of caregiving. I called suicide hotline early on and could not find support anywhere. It's a miracle that I am still here.
I see all of these stupid articles here about how to do this and how to do that like it's ok for a person to slowly kill themselves to add a little time to an old person's life while robbing themselves of their own health both mentally and physically.

The reason I don't post these thoughts more often is because I am still worn out and because some bible quoting fool will show up and try to lecture me about it all. Save your biased breath and go spout somewhere else. This thread is about saving the life of the caregiver. The old folks had their turn to live and now it's your turn to live.

This website has all the tools you need to find suitable care for parents. Click through the ads and start the process of placement.

I am here for one reason:
To help a stuck caregiver GET OUT of caregiving.

lovbob

I moved in with my 80 year old father 6 months ago. At first he was like a new man just having me here and needed little help. That lasted for a few months....now he's back on the gloom and doom train. All he ever talks about is wanting to die. It breaks my heart and depresses the hell out of me. He has a lot of problems with his feet (which are a mangled mess) Bunions, hammertoe, ingrown nails and neuromas. I know the pain is real but he doesn't want to take any of my or the docs advice. Instead he sprays his feet with some homemade alchohol based concoction, wraps them in duct tape, 2 pair of sock and knee high stockings! We're going to a new podiotrist on Monday. Wish me luck :-)

I see! When I first started posting here, I thought you all were perfect in that you handled caregiving with not as much as stress as I was. You guys were venting in FB! I felt soooo bad that here I was struggling, yelling, losing my temper ...and thought you all were handling this CG with ease. Yeah, you vented here once in a blue moon but...I really thought there was something wrong with ME. But, I go to the other threads where everyone seems to be struggling but no encouragement or advice - just vent and vent and vent. It got me so down, depress, that I now avoid Those Threads! I really did think there was something wrong with me. I even posted individually to certain posters saying that I must really be one messed up person...Well, there's the answer to at least THAT. Well, night all...massaging my sprain foot helped it a lot. Will use ice, then massage it, wrap it and sleep. Book.

Good Morning Crew!

Oh Bookworm, I hope you can get some healing and I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to make those pampers change themselves.
I broke a bone in my right ankle when I was caregiving mom and was on crutches for a couple months. Not funny. I literally feel your pain BW.

Deef!!!
You are so right about posting here. Even with the FB page I like to remind the folks who post that there are readers out there who are facing caregiving horrors for the first time and are in their first weeks or months. The beauty of this public forum is that new folks can read the trials and tribulations of those of us who have gone before but if we write only in a closed FB group, new people don't have the opportunity to identify with and therefore benefit from the group's experience.
That being said, you can't beat FB for making relationships closer and enabling us to visit one another.
I just remember what it was like to be a caregiver with no support for about 5 years and then find this site and realize that I wasn't alone. If I had found proper support in the first weeks or months I would be much healthier today and with less issues all around.
Caregiving Kills.
I know because part of me died and is still dead 2.5 years later. I am lucky though because we still don't know what the 5 year survival rate is for family caregivers who took someone all the way to death that had Dementia.

Thanks for the update on Austin and I can't remember who posted it but thx! Hopefully we will see her here soon.

The boat angel is up and about so I am going topside to see how he is. At least if he gets bad again he goes to the hospital and expects nothing from me in the caregiving department. I just can't and he gets it. He stays at the best clinic in the area and gets the best care. All I do here is make sure that I don't have bad food (ice cream, cakes, hot dogs, lunchmeats) on the boat and I learned about renal diets and make that stuff. All fresh foods and at least I'm peeing like a champ......

Welcome upallnight and remember to breathe and Vent and Live!

more later, love you guys way more than you'll ever know!
lovbob

I tripped on the stairs this afternoon. I was turning, and next thing I knew, my upper body slammed against the screen door, and my left foot was twisted and severe pain on my left foot. Didn't feel so bad until I started changing parents pampers tonight. I think the pressure of pulling mom up. I had to put my weight against my legs to pull her. Now my foot is throbbing like crazy - up to my knee.

Then,changing father's pampers. Next thing I knew, my body was falling sideways. I quickly grabbed the bed railing and yelped in fear. Whoa! I'm getting dizziness now that is happening too fast and too often. Foot is definitely throbbing like crazy. Time to put ice on it and rest it - After I do mom's trache. Will wrap the foot tonight with flexible bandage. The pain is increasing as I'm typing. I'm using my father's 2 canes to walk. And my foot seems to prefer that I go barefoot on the flat surface and not my cushioned flats.

Yes, I will go to the doctor as soon as my blood tests results come in. Gotta go. Time to clean her trache. Then sleep.

We come Upallnight! Good story and just the thing we like to hear. We all have stories worth telling, just to let everyone know they are not alone in this. One time I caught my mom cleaning the toaster oven with her mashed potatoes! She said "well what else am I supposed to use for cleanser?" That was quite the mess!
Jen, Have you tried Fabreze spray? I get the Dollar store brand and it works pretty well. I know if the sibs stop by, (And we know how rare that is) they always say it smells like pee or poop in here! I tell them if you don't like leave! My nose just doesn't smell it anymore unless I'm just coming in from outside. Funny how the smells will forever be burned into our brains, but when are in it all the time, we don't notice it. Did they get all the trees cleared out? And God, this is all I can handle. Could you please stop now?
Stormy, Try to put your mind at ease now. The doctor knows what she is talking about. Give yourself a day or two to digest the info, then try to tuck your fears away. You have enough to deal with!
Mame, have a great time at the football game.
Like the Facebook group, but don't forget that the only people that benefit from the advice given there, are the people in the group. Please keep contributing here where anyone out there can find us and read all of our stories and advice and yes, even the craziness we go through daily. I enjoy chatting with and becoming friends with all of you, but I still want my experience to help as many care givers as possible and this is the one way that do that.
Well, it was 27 degrees here this morning and 58 in my house!!! I'm freezing and letting the electric heaters warm it up in here. My first gas delivery of the season was $625, so we are not using the furnace until we have to. I imagine the oil delivery will be sometime soon. This is a 3 story, 4 apartment house I am saddles with and one side is heated with gas, the other with oil. Dead of winter gets very expensive, about$1200 every 3 weeks.
I finally got to make my apple pie yesterday, while Mom was at daycare. Had a piece before it even cooled off!
Hoping Mom is much better this morning. Got her Cipro without any crap from the doctor. I think I should know by now when Mom has a UTI. Been dealing with the crazy person she turns into for 8 years. Besides, have you ever tried to get a urine sample from a person with full blown dementia? That's crazy!
Bobbie!!!!
Diane, Let us all know how you are doing.We get worried when we don't hear from you.
Rip, Getting a lot of rain out your way? No hiking for a few days:(
Okay everyone, I need to get the coffee going! Been up for an hour, freezing my ass off and haven't taken the time to make coffee. I must be crazy!!!

bug spray on head...I splatted a bit of ORTHO ON MY CHEEK THIS AFTERNOON WHILE DE WEEDING IN BACK....Must be somethin in the air...?
Stormy hang in there try not to over think it, write all concerns down but do not let yourself scare yourself sick. I hope it is good news all way around...I know that leveling life and death health fear that sits on you like a vulture and makes life just seem to stop. Let yourself be scared for only so long, then go do something to keep busy somehow....and Keep Breathing!
Deef it does feel good to have new clothes to wear...now only if I didn't smell like old man piss when left the house it would be perfect!
"God never gives us more than they can handle...." Like to run those people over with a 4 by 4 handle this....eh bobbie! hope your boat angle is rallying, it is good you have each other. what ever the outcome.
rip, I'd sleep on the floor if I had to, if swimmin' was involved at some point?....
hope everyone has a good weekend, or safe and sane or what ever you can squeeze out of it....