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Tbailey: I am so sorry about Baby Bella. It's just so heartbreaking to lose a pet and to see her hit by a car would be so traumatic. I'm sure you were in a state of shock.
I hope things settle down with your older daughter. Maybe she was in a state of shock too seeing Bella hurt and just reacted to all the emotions.
CAT Ive had you and alot more of you in my prayers.. I STILL need yours well I went to son's for weekend to stay after the big blow out just to go home & get some warmer clothes Sheriff called but got personal things and pictures well we being my son & his GF and me and my 2 girls in back seat we are stopping by my dads to visit my dogs (HUSBAND MADE me take them) Too much trouble he said and MY BABY Bella got hit by young lady right in front of us . I had to stop traffic and pic her up and I knew she was taking her last breaths I of corse out of anger blamed my husband in front of my kids my son called him and told him they had choice words my 21 year old brat called me crazy & being daddys girl took off walking and said I blame dad for everything (remind you she just lost her apartment moved back home stuck there with ole granny & dad ) so then we all lay him to rest and come to my new home my cousins . MY son went to our family home my girl done had her dad worked up saying we were all probaly coming to blame him etc... he was mean and told my son to leave I begged my son not to go.. my Son could knock him out with one punch.. WELL Sheriff called again by my son gf they meet at location send 2 sheriffs when they both met up they asked my son if his father was a drinker or on drugs....After all this I txt my 21 year old brat daughter and told her i love her & was sorry for what ever I said at time I seen my BELLA suffering & I will not say no more she has yet to call me . Told my son to call his dad always make sure your last words were I LOVE U & then cuddled My 10 year old and we cried for our BABY BELLA BEAN ! Love you all & thanks for the support you have no clue how good you ladys make me feel. Ive taken wonderful care of his MOM for 1 year and now Im not but I will stick around because I NEED EACH one of you...THANK YOU ALL
Welcome Kritini! I'm so glad you've joined us here!!
Bookworm, I got a laugh out of my Dad's actions also (once the shock wore off). That's the only reason I shared the story here. We all need good laughs and if there is a way to see the humor in what we do then I say lets share it with each other! Sending love and prayers to everyone. And Hugs, lots of hugs.
Hope all of you are doing well in spite of all of the challenges and insanity that is the situation you find yourselves in.
Welcome Kritini! Thank you so much for the nice words and I hope you Vent and Live!
There is a lady here at this boatyard who has a mom in independent living with full time caregivers and she is about to yank her hair out just dealing with the phone calls from the caregivers about her mother's progressing unreasonableness and nastiness.
Her mom is used to having a few scotch and waters before dinner and 'before dinner' was coming earlier and earlier every day to where the daughter and the caregivers were beside themselves on how to care for a drunk senior who was bashing into everything with her walker.
Well, her mom ended up with a UTI and with the medicine she was prescribed, there was no drinking allowed. Try to tell the mom about that. The mom kept drinking, the UTI got worse and then the daughter had to go into her mom's apartment and swipe the bottle of scotch. That didn't turn out well.....
Anyway, I tell this story to underscore the stresses of caring for Demented family members. Look at the stress this lady is having with her mother and her mother doesn't even live with her. When I told the lady about how you guys cope and how stressful caring for my mom was she just sat there and said, 'I don't know how in the world you could possibly do that.' She knows that people are caring for their moms and dads, often all by themselves because, as was true in my case, they don't know that they are Almost accomplishing the impossible. I say Almost because I know it messed me up physically and I know that there are folks on this forum who may have completed their caregiving but their backs are shot out, or their hearts are weak or they may have PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving.
As for me, I am getting better, a little every day and I hope and pray that you guys know that there will come a day when it will be over and as time goes on the pain subsides and you get to remember the stuff that is sweet and funny.
A Truth: There is NO WAY I could have accomplished caring for my mom in her last year and the insanity after her death without the women and Ted! on this thread. No Way.
I am grateful for all of you whether you are lurking or posting, still in the trenches or on the other side of the job. You all have made a tremendous difference in my life and I love you all way more than you will ever know.
Cricket – that 2-week respite in October is something to look forward while handling the everyday stress of caregiving. Sorry, I had to giggle about your dad cutting himself down there. I hope you now did some dementia-proof bathroom. No more razors where he can have access without some kind of supervision. At least he didn’t cut his throat trying to shave there!
Hi Kritini- Welcome to AC! Wow! You read this from the beginning? That is one of my To Do List. I think I stopped on one of the beginning pages..... Let me check my notes ... Okay, I stopped at page 18. It's a bit difficult when I'm trying to juggle all 4 discussions with the limited time I have during the weekdays. But this is not as bad as my stopping on page 4 of the DYSFUNCTION thread. ;) ....Well we will be looking forward to hearing from you! Take Care!!
Hi all. New here and not dealing with Alzheimer's/dem like you are but caring for parents for 5 yrs now. Mom is the mot difficult, copd with OCD. What a mess! They are both slowing down alot and I've been dealing with the wipes for a long time so I can relate in many cases. I got addicted to reading the posts starting from the beginning and lost the last 5 hours. Mom was great with that, as she could watch her cop shows which I don't like, and still have me next to her. I feel like I know a lot of you and I would especially like to reach out to Bobbi123. You have a gift of writing that shouldn't be wasted. You had me laughing out loud, and crying out loud. Your words have such meaning, and heart. What a wonderful woman your mother was. A real hoot! My favorite is the pt guy she wouldn't stand up for. Hahaha. She knew! Anyway, I am so glad I found you all and I have gross out stories for later. For now would like to say thank you for a place to come where I can see I'm not alone and gain tools and draw much needed patience from all of you.
Thanks Cat, I work at it everyday. I will be taking several classes on Nutrition and Health. It's a specialize course in prevention and lifestyle changes. It will take me a year and a half to complete all the classes but hey I'm confined to the home caring for Dad so the course will help me to stay focused on my own health and help others. Later on when I am able to work again it's my desire to be a health coach and start my own business where I can work from home. Thanks for asking :) As to the the electric razor.. to dangerous! I don't even want to think about what could happen with an electric device in Dad's hands. . LOL Thanks for your kind words Cat and I can't wait until October's respite! Love, Cricket
Cricket: You are so amazing. I so admire how you can focus on yourself, your health and your spiritual awareness through all the strains of your everyday life. You are such an amazing role model for all of us.
Ok, just have to comment about the obvious. Your dad shaving his pubes and your joy at show and tell. Maybe it's time for an electric razor. Bwhahahaha
So what class will you be taking in November? I'm wishing you an awesome 2 weeks in October.
Wow everyone, Lots going on... Tbailey, you are doing the right thing, stay strong and know that everyone here supports you. If you see that the MIL is getting seriously neglected you might want to report it. I am so glad you got away from that house and forced the Husband and SIL to take their responsibility! Sure they will lash out at you and try to blame you because they are so selfish. Now you can have the inner peace you so deserve! Mame, like Cat and Bobbie both said.. you are not crazy! I think when we are going up our parents pass on their beliefs to us and one of those is the "guilt trait". Guilt always seeks punishment so let it go! You are totally sane. Cat, you really are a blessing to everyone here! Thank you for all that you do. You and everyone here are in my prayers.
Dad update: Cut himself down there shaving his pubes! Oh Lord, what next? Imagine my joy when he pulls down his pants for "show and tell"..His Dementia is getting worse. I don't know what age he thinks he is at the moment. He is having anxiety attacks, getting more impatient and frustrated, even agitated. I'm just doing the best I can for him and trying not to lose myself in the process. So far so good. I will be starting back at college again through home classes using the computer the beginning in November. And I will also take a two week respite in mid October. I can't wait. I am counting the days. I will be going to California to see my children and grandchildren, friends and family. I will be meeting up with Christina and spending a couple days with her. Maybe we will become "Thelma and Louise" lol
Mame! You are in the throes of the auxiliary madness that encircles you and yours while dealing with this kind of disease. You are not insane.
Most of us have referred to Dementia and family caregiving as 'crazy making'. You are literally living through that. Don't doubt yourself because you are all there and you are making good decisions under intense fire.
Your son's injury and then infection sure didn't help but you know that he's got the pills and is on the mend. You are a wonderful mom.
You all know how I feel. I loved my mom and took good care of her but if I went back in time to do it again there is no way I would have been her 24/7 caregiver for so long. It's been 2 and a half years since she passed and I am still not right. Hey!! I'm waaaaay better but *whew*.
I think what happens is that we get sucked into the increasing demands and then it's just like the straw and camel story. One more demand and we just lean into it thinking that we can do it and the straw that breaks the camel's back is just that one more demand/chore/duty/necessity of action that breaks our mind and we begin to think that it is us. We think that we just need to be the ones who can change yet again and adapt yet again to this new pressure. With hindsight I would have changed the situation so I could have come out of crisis mode. Love ya Mame and you will come through this. We're here.
Cat!! You have such a wonderful heart and what you wrote for Mame was so touching and true. How are you doing today?
Flex!!! where are you gurl and wassup.
Kuli!! good to see you. How are you doing these days?
Cuz!! Going up the dock to tell that story. haha
Everybody!! Stomach growling so have to cook. Love you all more than you know.
Thanks Everyone! I am feeling a bit better today. Cat-you are remarkable! For all you are going through to take the time to so thoughtfully and lovingly say all that you said! I do think about all the things you said-some days I am sure I am going to take the steps to place her and take my life back-and then I can't do it. Yes, a lot of it is guilt and I know I shouldn't let that rule my life. Had habit to break! I do like your idea of getting someone in here 3 days a week. I do think I am just too isolated and it is making me crazy. My husband is the best but I do wonder how to keep us "us". The stress of it all is just amazing. I never dreamed it would be like this. And yes, it is hard to know if God is telling me to buck up or run for my life! Thank you for "hearing my voice". Going to bed last night after reading that line really helped me sleep better! Yours too Jen-"hear ya Mame hear ya" It just meant so much to know I was heard. TBailey-I read a sign that said "Pray the hardest when it is hardest to pray" yesterday-I am sure that means in or out of Church! We all gotta get rid of this guilt-it is just one more thing to weigh us down! We don't need anymore weight on our shoulders! Well, it is Friday and no football game this weekend for our son. I am glad they don't have a game as he has some healing to do. Got a cleat to the shin and had stitches during last game-then right back on the field! He's insane. Anyway-that was one of the things that put me over the edge yesterday-because of coarse-it got infected! He called yesterday and has to be on antibiotics etc. I just wanted to go down to his college and take him home for a week to make sure he takes care of himself-and I felt so trapped here. Just as well-he has to learn to take care of himself...I just had a over protective mom moment. Along with the other craziness of the week-refrig on the blink-$300 later...trouble at hubbys work...Anxiety just got the better of me. Thanks for being here for me. You are all wonderful. And Cat-I will take in all you said and suggested. Thanks again! Mame
Mame: I know that you love your mom with all your heart and soul and I'm not going to make any absolute recommendations to you, because you are the one to decide what is best for you and your mom.
Nevertheless, I would like to give you some things to consider. Just think about them and give it some time to sink it. I will always honor your choices so no pressure in any way. OK?
First of all, missing church does not mean that bad things are going to happen in the following week. What it means is that you are extremely tired from doing God's work all week and for any number of reasons connected to taking care of your mother and neglecting yourself, you just can't pull yourself up and get to church. Don't think for a moment that God does not understand your loneliness and exhaustion. There is no punishment in order here, only compassion from a loving God.
Would you consider looking into the possibility of placing your mom in a good facility that could care for her around the clock? You may automatically reject this idea and that's fine. But I want you to consider it. There is no way of knowing how long your mom could continue and with her dementia things will only become more difficult. I understand that she is your priority and that you love her deeply, but your life also has value and you have given up many years to taking care of others.
Something has to give, Mame, and I don't want it to be your sanity or your health. You've already given so much of your happiness away over the years. None of us know how many years we as caregivers have or how much time our spouses have ahead of them. It's fair to consider these things and realize that some of our very best years are being eaten up with the full time care of a parent.
I'm being generous in saying "some of our best years" because we are not in our 40's anymore. I'll be 64 next February, that's not too far from 70 and the years do go fast.
I'm just going to ask a question to everyone on this thread. Some of us have spouses or BF's and they are people we love and care about, but when you are taking care of parent(s), who is the primary person in your life? I think over time as a caregiver, your spouse or BF becomes your support. My husband was always supportive of me and my parents, but he also missed having a relationship with me that was more focused on us. The parent(s) had become the focus and our relationship, as a couple, took back seat to his being a support to me as a caretaker. Does that make sense? There is a loss here and we can't always be sure that, in time, we can make it up to our spouse. Nor can we be sure that we can make it up to ourselves.
As married couples, we make sacrifices all the time. We make them for each other, for our children, for our grandchildren and for our parents. That's a natural part of life, but when our entire focus in on an elderly parent for years and we ourselves realize that we have become isolated and miserable, I think it is appropriate to take a hard look at the situation and consider alternatives.
Mame, at the very least, I wish you would consider having in home care 3 days a week for at least 3 hours per day. That's not a substitute for your mom going to day care one day a week. It's in addition. For one hour during that time, go to a caregivers meeting in your area and meet people face to face. You need that and I'm absolutely certain that you would make some great friendships there. You need that too. As you mentioned some time ago, all your old friends work. Well, it's time to make new friends who understand the world you live in and can be supportive of you.
If I lived close to you, Mame, I'd snatch you up in a heartbeat. I'd want to be your friend and I'd want to see if there was a way we could get together for lunch once a week or have some time to walk together and just talk. Actually both. I bet we would find a way to make it doable.
Mame, you are not crazy. It is absolutely sane of you to be tired of everything revolving around your mom. That is a clear sign of sanity!!!! Your body and mind are trying to tell you something. It's just that you love your mom and your heart and guilt don't want to hear it, but i don't think it is wise for your to ignore these insights. They're not wrong and Mame, it could just as easily be God's way of saying that you are his child too, and it's time for you to do things differently. He walks with your mom, but he also walks with you and he sees your suffering. Maybe he would also encourage you to think about the situation and find a better way for yourself.
Just my thoughts and give them some consideration. Sending you love and the whitest of light. Cat.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
Mame: I read your post and I heard your voice. I am just getting dinner for hubby and me, but I will write back more in a little while. You are in my prayers dear friend. Don't you worry about me. I'm ok. Now we have to see what we can do to help you. Sending you love for now and will write again soon. Cat
Crap! hit the wrong button, well at least I didn't lose it all this time. At least small toliet paper balls r not all over place anymore since I put the sign in bathroom. "Please throw toliet paper in the toliet bowl n Please turn off light." As long as she can read, it is working n it keeps me from getting up 20x's a day turning off the bathroom light switch n picking up balls all over floor. I have no idea what she does in bathroom that many times a day?
Cricket, I agree that Meanwhile has a great idea about the Millennium laser for sure. I will try to see what I can do about setting up an appt for I know the sooner the better n I will for sure ask the dental guy about that laser stuff. Thanks everyone. I am getting a bit tired here n its 83 degrees in this living room n I am freaking sweating so I am going to crank up the air!!! I mean mnl has already went into her room, had her meds, n her snack so she is good to go bed if she likes. I hope everyone is able to get some zzzzzzzzzzz n Ladee, I hope you contiue to have peace in your heart for both your parents would want it that way for you. It won't be easy but you will always have them in your heart. get some rest.
Cat, I just luv what ya said about the hubby that I even read it to his ass. lol I think the last dental person they will see is around 4pm n hubby can try to get out of teaching by 3;30 n that will give me 15 mints, to get to the dental office by the time he gets here. I should be able to make it for its not too far just depending on the traffic. To get someone to come at the house it will take a whole process for that to be done I would think. The only reason i have the 4hr one day a wk respite from the church is because I had to get it started with Area Agency on Aging. You dad may be gone but he is in your heart. I don't think your hubby meant anything bad about that for he may have thought that would help lift you a bit to let you know that u r still needed. Glad u bit your hubby in ass about the doors. Msdaizy, Omg!!! ARe u kidding me? How in world did your mother find your deodarant for her hemorriods? You better get a hook-latch if it was a cabinet. is this Hemorriod wk for us care-givers? Mnl complain yesterday, n when i mention making an appt with a specialist she said oh, its not that bad. I'll just wait till next wk an see for mnl. she hasn't ask for any roid cream so that is good news, so I think? I may need to put a hook-latch on my bathroom cabinets. ; )
Thank you all Mame I havent had chance because of MIL to go to church now im out I have guilt because yet to go now this Sunday my son and gf coming to James Dean festival & coming to get us early so I know what you mean about quilt and I feel like I need him right now.... Thanks Becken CALL keep telling me that Ive been strong today my family dr. is also my MIL well Ive been on anti depp. yuck and nerve meds She called me in extra till I can see her Oct. she know sshe been telling me for last year IM Stupid killing myself For people that don't care......Keep telling me girls just like going over to help the other night I walk into gargae he is drinking a beer ( i never knew he drank) Its like WTF has happened to him... But Lost my momma almost 5 years ago and I tell you strongest woman I knew dr. called me to meet at office I had to wait because she wouldnt leave work early her last day Lung cancer(never smoked) they gave her 3 months she gave us 3 years and DAMN I miss her but I dont think I have felt her this close to me in awhile & when I left its My moms sister (my moms bf) daughter that made me come here with her where she has 3 extra rooms and Im right across from My lil girl school and right down road from my Aunt, BEEN Lovely...Now I heard from some that he is going crazy his mom is driving him nuts today.... LMAO BAHAHAHA... Thoughts and prayers for you cattails you have been my strength thanks for always being there AND for saying those lil things when he called me names and said i was BI POLAR ...Love you all Diane thanks tooo hope you had good day to....
My dd was watching TV when she asked me to look at my mom gawking sputum on the wall. I couldn't believe my eyes she was lying in the bed....so I thought maybe she'd was like still in a sleep stupor or was she? That was about as gross as catching her wiping her nose with her skirt instead of tissue if no tissue was around. When I verbally re-direct...she only giggles and says hmmm...you caught me. So, if only I can remember to keep tissues in her sight...she will use them instead. It's a pain because mom was always so clean and proper in her yonger years. I dread getting old if this is what's in store...this is scary stuff!
Hi All. I need you to tell me if I am going crazy. I didn't go to Church on Sunday and have that Catholic guilt thing going crazy this week! I want to go to Church cause I want to-not cause I HAVE to. And I do like Church. But, when I don't go, it seems really bad things happen during the week after! And then I feel it must be cause I didn't go. Well, it has been a terrible week. Last night I was at my wits end. I was so done with all of this (caregiving) and the rest of the stuff going on in my life and I just wanted to be done! Well, this morning, I got some not so great news from my hubby...I almost lost it. He kept telling me not to worry. HA! So, I got in the shower, was talking to God-and I was angry-and that is when it hit me. God wouldn't "do" this to me. Then I decided it is the devil trying to put me over the edge so I will be angry at God...or do something stupid-like off myself. And I flat out screamed that he could go f** himself and go to hell! It has given me some resolve, for now anyway, to keep up the good fight. But I honestly wonder if I am insane. Thankfully, mother went to daycare today. She didn't want to, but she forgets what she says so I just kept going in saying "we gotta get ready". And so, she is there. On the way back home I just kept thinking that I wish I didn't have to pick her up. But hopefully, these few hours will bring me back to a good place. Life is really hard. I love her, I am just tired. Tired of EVERYTHING revolving around her. Even going to Church! Altho-I could have made that happen if I had tried harder. Oh guys, I am sorry. I am just venting. Bailey-you hang in there! Don't be taken advantage of any more! You are doing the right thing! Cat, I can't stop thinking about you. You are so good at expressing yourself and I don't know how or what to say to you. Just know that I am sending you hugs! Everyone else-thanks for listening. Validating. Being there! Mame
Cat you are in my thoughts and prayers.. YOU have been a Wonderful Daughter. Thank the lord he had you.... Love and prayers Cat .. I am still gone from home .. HAvent taken all your advice thats why Im here & coming back I let me heart get in the way got a phone call from hubby he needed help bad had alot of work to do & since I ran the old girlfriend from 20 some years ago away she totaled her car the next day KARMA... Anyway he is hiring anyone he can MIL is Pissed blaming him saying if he treated me better I wouldnt of left & Alzheimers is at a all time HIGH so she was yelling to call me & he txt me and i took my lil girl and went to sit with her the minute I walked thru the back door into the house from hell I had a feeling I shouldnt be there... I have only took our clothes and needs. Anyway MIL started complaining soon as she seen me how mean he has been to her NO PATIENCE!!!!! How her girls could care less... Hubby heard her and came in there and said well blame TRACY she walked out on us mom she walked out on you when you didnt do nothing OH HELL NO ... The bitch switch flipped on lets just say I stayed my 3 hours with a 10 year old angel telling daddy to go to shop since we were there I tried to get stuff and stick in her room and then noticed a sore on top of her bottom and bruiseing on both wrist she said hubby rough with her and I told him about hiself and there is only 10 bottles of cream for her bottom. He told me it is all my fault because IM unstable and mental & I need help.. well lets just say IM not going back.... I realize now Ive been being controlled I had a wreck in a car of his in 06 never knew till 2011 when I got pulled over I lost my lisence and have some fines and 150.00 reinstatement fee. He said if I come I need to bring Sheriff to get my stuff.. My 21 year old was just moving back in when all this crazziness started bless her heart Im staying near by at my cousins and my son is trying to get her to come to big city of INDY and if so she will make more $ get away from her life she moved back into us to get away from her so called friends that stoled her rent money, wii , and computer yeah some friends anyways I find out yesterday I might have a job here locally and my cousin has been great & my 10 year old hasnt been smiling this much in awhile... Then SIL calls to check on me YEAH after a year she cares said hubby driving her crazy to get momma placed in NH he cant deal with her and never realize what i went through she is not listening to him & he cant lift he his back is killing him..LMAO then SIL says well I need that Oct. check of hers so he just going to have to deal with her........LOVE YOU ALL, Feeel better all ready and for you ones still doing the good deed GOD BLESS YOU... bookworm you will never know how much your hug meant to me I was sad thinking you all forgot me but Im getting stronger everyday and your words helped..thank u
So yesterday was all about notifications. Lots of phone calls and emails, plus meeting with the mortuary, etc. Today I planned to be in the garden. Always a peaceful and somewhat spiritual place for me. Well, it was a lot more work and there was no spiritual aspect. I cut back a hedge that had taken over 3 feet of our deck and in the process I found my self with a knot in my stomach. I was feeling stressed and rushed and then my mind said, "It's ok, just keep going and get this done and you can spend more time with dad tomorrow to make up for it." Well, of course there is no seeing dad tomorrow, but it will take some time to get use to a life where I am not needed to care for a parent.
My husband was emailing with an old work buddy and told him of my dad's passing. Warren said, I guess Maureen will put her full focus on me now. YIKES!!! So he comes downstairs and tells me about this email and he is laughing about his reply, etc. I told him, "You know, I think you are right. You definitely need some retraining. I'm going to write you out a set of new rules and #1 on the list will be "Quit leaving all the doors to the house open for the dogs!" Of course, both dogs looked up in shock. Yes there is a new sheriff in town so it won't just be me getting use to the new normal.
Diane: Where are you and what's going on? What's happening with the Medicaid application? Don't make me hunt you down. I'm free to do that now.
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I hope things settle down with your older daughter. Maybe she was in a state of shock too seeing Bella hurt and just reacted to all the emotions.
Sending you lots of love and comfort. Cat
Bookworm, I got a laugh out of my Dad's actions also (once the shock wore off). That's the only reason I shared the story here. We all need good laughs and if there is a way to see the humor in what we do then I say lets share it with each other!
Sending love and prayers to everyone. And Hugs, lots of hugs.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Hope all of you are doing well in spite of all of the challenges and insanity that is the situation you find yourselves in.
Welcome Kritini! Thank you so much for the nice words and I hope you Vent and Live!
There is a lady here at this boatyard who has a mom in independent living with full time caregivers and she is about to yank her hair out just dealing with the phone calls from the caregivers about her mother's progressing unreasonableness and nastiness.
Her mom is used to having a few scotch and waters before dinner and 'before dinner' was coming earlier and earlier every day to where the daughter and the caregivers were beside themselves on how to care for a drunk senior who was bashing into everything with her walker.
Well, her mom ended up with a UTI and with the medicine she was prescribed, there was no drinking allowed. Try to tell the mom about that. The mom kept drinking, the UTI got worse and then the daughter had to go into her mom's apartment and swipe the bottle of scotch. That didn't turn out well.....
Anyway, I tell this story to underscore the stresses of caring for Demented family members. Look at the stress this lady is having with her mother and her mother doesn't even live with her. When I told the lady about how you guys cope and how stressful caring for my mom was she just sat there and said, 'I don't know how in the world you could possibly do that.'
She knows that people are caring for their moms and dads, often all by themselves because, as was true in my case, they don't know that they are Almost accomplishing the impossible.
I say Almost because I know it messed me up physically and I know that there are folks on this forum who may have completed their caregiving but their backs are shot out, or their hearts are weak or they may have PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving.
As for me, I am getting better, a little every day and I hope and pray that you guys know that there will come a day when it will be over and as time goes on the pain subsides and you get to remember the stuff that is sweet and funny.
A Truth: There is NO WAY I could have accomplished caring for my mom in her last year and the insanity after her death without the women and Ted! on this thread. No Way.
I am grateful for all of you whether you are lurking or posting, still in the trenches or on the other side of the job. You all have made a tremendous difference in my life and I love you all way more than you will ever know.
Thank you all so much and thanks AC.
lovbob
Cricket, give Christina our love. Have missed her posts.
Hi Kritini- Welcome to AC! Wow! You read this from the beginning? That is one of my To Do List. I think I stopped on one of the beginning pages..... Let me check my notes ... Okay, I stopped at page 18. It's a bit difficult when I'm trying to juggle all 4 discussions with the limited time I have during the weekdays. But this is not as bad as my stopping on page 4 of the DYSFUNCTION thread. ;) ....Well we will be looking forward to hearing from you! Take Care!!
Anyway, I am so glad I found you all and I have gross out stories for later. For now would like to say thank you for a place to come where I can see I'm not alone and gain tools and draw much needed patience from all of you.
Thanks for your kind words Cat and I can't wait until October's respite!
Love,
Cricket
Ok, just have to comment about the obvious. Your dad shaving his pubes and your joy at show and tell. Maybe it's time for an electric razor. Bwhahahaha
So what class will you be taking in November? I'm wishing you an awesome 2 weeks in October.
Love you, Cat
Tbailey, you are doing the right thing, stay strong and know that everyone here supports you. If you see that the MIL is getting seriously neglected you might want to report it. I am so glad you got away from that house and forced the Husband and SIL to take their responsibility! Sure they will lash out at you and try to blame you because they are so selfish. Now you can have the inner peace you so deserve!
Mame, like Cat and Bobbie both said.. you are not crazy! I think when we are going up our parents pass on their beliefs to us and one of those is the "guilt trait". Guilt always seeks punishment so let it go! You are totally sane.
Cat, you really are a blessing to everyone here! Thank you for all that you do. You and everyone here are in my prayers.
Dad update: Cut himself down there shaving his pubes! Oh Lord, what next? Imagine my joy when he pulls down his pants for "show and tell"..His Dementia is getting worse. I don't know what age he thinks he is at the moment. He is having anxiety attacks, getting more impatient and frustrated, even agitated. I'm just doing the best I can for him and trying not to lose myself in the process. So far so good. I will be starting back at college again through home classes using the computer the beginning in November. And I will also take a two week respite in mid October. I can't wait. I am counting the days. I will be going to California to see my children and grandchildren, friends and family. I will be meeting up with Christina and spending a couple days with her. Maybe we will become "Thelma and Louise" lol
God Bless you all. Love Cricket
Mame!
You are in the throes of the auxiliary madness that encircles you and yours while dealing with this kind of disease. You are not insane.
Most of us have referred to Dementia and family caregiving as 'crazy making'. You are literally living through that. Don't doubt yourself because you are all there and you are making good decisions under intense fire.
Your son's injury and then infection sure didn't help but you know that he's got the pills and is on the mend. You are a wonderful mom.
You all know how I feel. I loved my mom and took good care of her but if I went back in time to do it again there is no way I would have been her 24/7 caregiver for so long. It's been 2 and a half years since she passed and I am still not right.
Hey!! I'm waaaaay better but *whew*.
I think what happens is that we get sucked into the increasing demands and then it's just like the straw and camel story. One more demand and we just lean into it thinking that we can do it and the straw that breaks the camel's back is just that one more demand/chore/duty/necessity of action that breaks our mind and we begin to think that it is us. We think that we just need to be the ones who can change yet again and adapt yet again to this new pressure.
With hindsight I would have changed the situation so I could have come out of crisis mode. Love ya Mame and you will come through this. We're here.
Cat!! You have such a wonderful heart and what you wrote for Mame was so touching and true.
How are you doing today?
Flex!!! where are you gurl and wassup.
Kuli!! good to see you. How are you doing these days?
Cuz!! Going up the dock to tell that story. haha
Everybody!! Stomach growling so have to cook. Love you all more than you know.
lovbob
Cat-you are remarkable! For all you are going through to take the time to so thoughtfully and lovingly say all that you said! I do think about all the things you said-some days I am sure I am going to take the steps to place her and take my life back-and then I can't do it. Yes, a lot of it is guilt and I know I shouldn't let that rule my life. Had habit to break! I do like your idea of getting someone in here 3 days a week. I do think I am just too isolated and it is making me crazy. My husband is the best but I do wonder how to keep us "us". The stress of it all is just amazing. I never dreamed it would be like this. And yes, it is hard to know if God is telling me to buck up or run for my life! Thank you for "hearing my voice". Going to bed last night after reading that line really helped me sleep better! Yours too Jen-"hear ya Mame hear ya" It just meant so much to know I was heard. TBailey-I read a sign that said "Pray the hardest when it is hardest to pray" yesterday-I am sure that means in or out of Church! We all gotta get rid of this guilt-it is just one more thing to weigh us down! We don't need anymore weight on our shoulders!
Well, it is Friday and no football game this weekend for our son. I am glad they don't have a game as he has some healing to do. Got a cleat to the shin and had stitches during last game-then right back on the field! He's insane. Anyway-that was one of the things that put me over the edge yesterday-because of coarse-it got infected! He called yesterday and has to be on antibiotics etc. I just wanted to go down to his college and take him home for a week to make sure he takes care of himself-and I felt so trapped here. Just as well-he has to learn to take care of himself...I just had a over protective mom moment. Along with the other craziness of the week-refrig on the blink-$300 later...trouble at hubbys work...Anxiety just got the better of me. Thanks for being here for me. You are all wonderful. And Cat-I will take in all you said and suggested. Thanks again!
Mame
Nevertheless, I would like to give you some things to consider. Just think about them and give it some time to sink it. I will always honor your choices so no pressure in any way. OK?
First of all, missing church does not mean that bad things are going to happen in the following week. What it means is that you are extremely tired from doing God's work all week and for any number of reasons connected to taking care of your mother and neglecting yourself, you just can't pull yourself up and get to church. Don't think for a moment that God does not understand your loneliness and exhaustion. There is no punishment in order here, only compassion from a loving God.
Would you consider looking into the possibility of placing your mom in a good facility that could care for her around the clock? You may automatically reject this idea and that's fine. But I want you to consider it. There is no way of knowing how long your mom could continue and with her dementia things will only become more difficult. I understand that she is your priority and that you love her deeply, but your life also has value and you have given up many years to taking care of others.
Something has to give, Mame, and I don't want it to be your sanity or your health. You've already given so much of your happiness away over the years. None of us know how many years we as caregivers have or how much time our spouses have ahead of them. It's fair to consider these things and realize that some of our very best years are being eaten up with the full time care of a parent.
I'm being generous in saying "some of our best years" because we are not in our 40's anymore. I'll be 64 next February, that's not too far from 70 and the years do go fast.
I'm just going to ask a question to everyone on this thread. Some of us have spouses or BF's and they are people we love and care about, but when you are taking care of parent(s), who is the primary person in your life? I think over time as a caregiver, your spouse or BF becomes your support. My husband was always supportive of me and my parents, but he also missed having a relationship with me that was more focused on us. The parent(s) had become the focus and our relationship, as a couple, took back seat to his being a support to me as a caretaker. Does that make sense? There is a loss here and we can't always be sure that, in time, we can make it up to our spouse. Nor can we be sure that we can make it up to ourselves.
As married couples, we make sacrifices all the time. We make them for each other, for our children, for our grandchildren and for our parents. That's a natural part of life, but when our entire focus in on an elderly parent for years and we ourselves realize that we have become isolated and miserable, I think it is appropriate to take a hard look at the situation and consider alternatives.
Mame, at the very least, I wish you would consider having in home care 3 days a week for at least 3 hours per day. That's not a substitute for your mom going to day care one day a week. It's in addition. For one hour during that time, go to a caregivers meeting in your area and meet people face to face. You need that and I'm absolutely certain that you would make some great friendships there. You need that too. As you mentioned some time ago, all your old friends work. Well, it's time to make new friends who understand the world you live in and can be supportive of you.
If I lived close to you, Mame, I'd snatch you up in a heartbeat. I'd want to be your friend and I'd want to see if there was a way we could get together for lunch once a week or have some time to walk together and just talk. Actually both. I bet we would find a way to make it doable.
Mame, you are not crazy. It is absolutely sane of you to be tired of everything revolving around your mom. That is a clear sign of sanity!!!! Your body and mind are trying to tell you something. It's just that you love your mom and your heart and guilt don't want to hear it, but i don't think it is wise for your to ignore these insights. They're not wrong and Mame, it could just as easily be God's way of saying that you are his child too, and it's time for you to do things differently. He walks with your mom, but he also walks with you and he sees your suffering. Maybe he would also encourage you to think about the situation and find a better way for yourself.
Just my thoughts and give them some consideration. Sending you love and the whitest of light. Cat.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because
I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
Cricket, I agree that Meanwhile has a great idea about the Millennium laser for sure. I will try to see what I can do about setting up an appt for I know the sooner the better n I will for sure ask the dental guy about that laser stuff.
Thanks everyone. I am getting a bit tired here n its 83 degrees in this living room n I am freaking sweating so I am going to crank up the air!!! I mean mnl has already went into her room, had her meds, n her snack so she is good to go bed if she likes. I hope everyone is able to get some zzzzzzzzzzz n Ladee, I hope you contiue to have peace in your heart for both your parents would want it that way for you. It won't be easy but you will always have them in your heart. get some rest.
Msdaizy, Omg!!! ARe u kidding me? How in world did your mother find your deodarant for her hemorriods? You better get a hook-latch if it was a cabinet. is this Hemorriod wk for us care-givers? Mnl complain yesterday, n when i mention making an appt with a specialist she said oh, its not that bad. I'll just wait till next wk an see for mnl. she hasn't ask for any roid cream so that is good news, so I think? I may need to put a hook-latch on my bathroom cabinets. ; )
Thanks Becken CALL keep telling me that Ive been strong today my family dr. is also my MIL well Ive been on anti depp. yuck and nerve meds She called me in extra till I can see her Oct. she know sshe been telling me for last year IM Stupid killing myself For people that don't care......Keep telling me girls just like going over to help the other night I walk into gargae he is drinking a beer ( i never knew he drank) Its like WTF has happened to him... But Lost my momma almost 5 years ago and I tell you strongest woman I knew dr. called me to meet at office I had to wait because she wouldnt leave work early her last day Lung cancer(never smoked) they gave her 3 months she gave us 3 years and DAMN I miss her but I dont think I have felt her this close to me in awhile & when I left its My moms sister (my moms bf) daughter that made me come here with her where she has 3 extra rooms and Im right across from My lil girl school and right down road from my Aunt, BEEN Lovely...Now I heard from some that he is going crazy his mom is driving him nuts today.... LMAO BAHAHAHA...
Thoughts and prayers for you cattails you have been my strength thanks for always being there AND for saying those lil things when he called me names and said i was BI POLAR ...Love you all
Diane thanks tooo hope you had good day to....
"Love keeps me together"
Luv u
xo
-SS
xo
-SS
What a sad situation with your MIL. Your SIL and husband leave a lot to be desired. Their behaviors are shameful.
Sending you love and white light, Cat.
Bailey-you hang in there! Don't be taken advantage of any more! You are doing the right thing!
Cat, I can't stop thinking about you. You are so good at expressing yourself and I don't know how or what to say to you. Just know that I am sending you hugs!
Everyone else-thanks for listening. Validating. Being there!
Mame
I am still gone from home .. HAvent taken all your advice thats why Im here & coming back I let me heart get in the way got a phone call from hubby he needed help bad had alot of work to do & since I ran the old girlfriend from 20 some years ago away she totaled her car the next day KARMA... Anyway he is hiring anyone he can MIL is Pissed blaming him saying if he treated me better I wouldnt of left & Alzheimers is at a all time HIGH so she was yelling to call me & he txt me and i took my lil girl and went to sit with her the minute I walked thru the back door into the house from hell I had a feeling I shouldnt be there... I have only took our clothes and needs. Anyway MIL started complaining soon as she seen me how mean he has been to her NO PATIENCE!!!!! How her girls could care less... Hubby heard her and came in there and said well blame TRACY she walked out on us mom she walked out on you when you didnt do nothing OH HELL NO ... The bitch switch flipped on lets just say I stayed my 3 hours with a 10 year old angel telling daddy to go to shop since we were there I tried to get stuff and stick in her room and then noticed a sore on top of her bottom and bruiseing on both wrist she said hubby rough with her and I told him about hiself and there is only 10 bottles of cream for her bottom. He told me it is all my fault because IM unstable and mental & I need help.. well lets just say IM not going back.... I realize now Ive been being controlled I had a wreck in a car of his in 06 never knew till 2011 when I got pulled over I lost my lisence and have some fines and 150.00 reinstatement fee. He said if I come I need to bring Sheriff to get my stuff.. My 21 year old was just moving back in when all this crazziness started bless her heart Im staying near by at my cousins and my son is trying to get her to come to big city of INDY and if so she will make more $ get away from her life she moved back into us to get away from her so called friends that stoled her rent money, wii , and computer yeah some friends anyways I find out yesterday I might have a job here locally and my cousin has been great & my 10 year old hasnt been smiling this much in awhile...
Then SIL calls to check on me YEAH after a year she cares said hubby driving her crazy to get momma placed in NH he cant deal with her and never realize what i went through she is not listening to him & he cant lift he his back is killing him..LMAO then SIL says well I need that Oct. check of hers so he just going to have to deal with her........LOVE YOU ALL, Feeel better all ready and for you ones still doing the good deed GOD BLESS YOU...
bookworm you will never know how much your hug meant to me I was sad thinking you all forgot me but Im getting stronger everyday and your words helped..thank u
My husband was emailing with an old work buddy and told him of my dad's passing. Warren said, I guess Maureen will put her full focus on me now. YIKES!!! So he comes downstairs and tells me about this email and he is laughing about his reply, etc. I told him, "You know, I think you are right. You definitely need some retraining. I'm going to write you out a set of new rules and #1 on the list will be "Quit leaving all the doors to the house open for the dogs!" Of course, both dogs looked up in shock. Yes there is a new sheriff in town so it won't just be me getting use to the new normal.
Diane: Where are you and what's going on? What's happening with the Medicaid application? Don't make me hunt you down. I'm free to do that now.
Sending you all love and white light, Cat.