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So well here's the up date I have been sitting here watching my gf pass for last 5 hours.wow this is a lot harder than I thought I would take it but I realized the.care is.done.now I can be who she needs the most her partner on this her bf Will be in touch I still have a lot of road left ....good luck and god bless
So well here's the up date I have been sitting here watching my gf pass for last 5 hours.wow this is a lot harder than I thought I would take it but I realized the.care is.done.now I can be who she needs the most her partner on this her bf Will be in touch I still have a lot of road left ....good luck and god bless
Only I am so sorry for what you are going through-you will get much support here and good ideas-I do not know if you have contacted social services that might be a good start and keep posting sometimes just getting your feelings out is good. Cuz -good to hear from you and get to laugh first thing in the morning.
Bobbie, Cricket, Cattails, Diane, Tbailey, You are saving my sanity. I keep rereading your posts. This means so much to me, that you would take the time and give me some really good insight to this mess. I do worry about having her see a counselor/therapist ( as much as she would probably enjoy the attention) because I am afraid she would be her angellic butterfly self and I'll come out looking like the bad guy. And, she is not able to remember what is said, so i'm not sure it would be all that educational for her. Anyways, I'll try to give you some backround, typing on my tablet because my mother comes into the computer room at will. Also, forgive me for not using paragraphs as this tablet is fickle. I have an older sister and an older brother that I idolized growing up. They were good to me but both left the state when I was about fourteen years old. I have stayed near mom and dad all my life except for four years when I moved with hubby's work. So I have been the one to do birthdays, holidays mothers and fathers days with the folks all these years. My sister tries to come to this continent at least once a year, twice when our father was fighting the lung cancer, to give me a break. My brother is disabled with back and knee and heart problems, so he has his own self to care for. Growing up my mom was sweet, and loving, but I can now see why I was such a shy child. She was overbearing and never let me speak, and kept me close to her apron strings. I'm not shy anymore, but I had to pretend to be someone else when I started my business and learned to be more outgoing. Anyway, she was always a bit kooky, never read much, but managed to manipulate my Dad into always lettig her have her way, even though he was the educated one. Ahead to two years ago when I lost my condo in san diego to a short sale ( we were upside down on the loan and hubby was still applying for disability benefits.) So we found this great apartment at the beach. Affordable on my income and a few months later hubby started recieving his disability income so we were free. Next thing I know, I am rearended in my work vehicle on the freeway onramp by a peterbuilt dumptruck. So my neck vertibrae are herniated and messed up so I can collect workers comp for a couple of months not working. So my dad calls to tell me his his lung cancer diagnosis. I drive up to see them, and dad looks so bad/weak, and mom cant drive very well and dad says mom forgets to feed him and he's afraid he won't make it if I leave. So I stay, and my husband visits us. Soon the workcomp docs decide I am ok to return to work. So my boss lets me take family leave not to worry. (no income though) Well after chemo and many problems, my father died at home under my care about nine months later. Mom was not capable at that time to deal with all the meds, meals bathing etc. So I promised my dad I wouldn't leave mom alone, she owns her 4 bedroom house free and clear, and I had a one bedroom apt at the beach. So we decided that I would stay here with her, and my husband moved with me here at moms. We help financially, not leeching. My dad knew my mom's mind was going, so who knew it would progress so fast. She has not been diagnosed, but her behavior is so typical of what I am reading. I called her doc today and he recommended another doc to check into it. Will she go? I don't know. The only other thing you should know is that I'm worried now thatI am the bad guy, that I won't have a place to live if she dies or even just flips out. I sold most belongings just to fit here. Gave up my life. Stupid? Loyal? Probably should have handled things differently. But, that's my story, so you can know my real situation. Any questions, ask away. Thanks and love you all for understanding, and sharing your wisdom. Onlyme
Diane: I agree you are stronger than your sibs. There is no doubt about that. You are stronger and you are better; better from a moral perspective. I wanted to work that into my last post to you. My thought was that look at all you have been through. When this is over, you will be one of the strongest people who can live to tell about it. You have character, courage and a heart filled with compassion. Plus, enough attitude to get you over the next hump. You can see how difficulties affect your brother. He caves, he blames you. When your sis hits some hard spots, she is going to get a huge wake up call. You will still be standing when the others are not. Hugs, Cat
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside Cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Good advice y'all. I'm just getting to the point where I let mom have her hissy fit without taking it so personally. Its still a hard thing to do. Now if I can just forget I have siblings I will make tremendous progress. Nothing new here, same old same old. B/f cooked a very good chili for dinner tonight. Mom even seemed to like it. I couldn't help but think as I was feeding mom with her eyes closed "how would my sister feel if she had to do this every night"? I know I have my challenges dealing with mom and her decline, but I am much stronger than either of my older siblings. I don't stay due to financial dependence as the sibs claim. I stay because it's the right thing to do. Yes, life is mentally, physically, financially and emotionally difficult, but she didn't abandon us at any time during our lives and I won't abandon her now. My role as caregiver may change, but I will always do what I think is best for mom.
One of the casualties of my being mom's caregiver has been a the friendship of a close friend for over 25 years. She decided to take my nephew's side and stopped talking with me a year and a half ago. Today is her birthday. It leaves me feeling empty and sad to know that I can't call and wish her a happy birthday or go out and celebrate with her, but she made that decision not me.
Onlyme: I have not had to deal with alz or any kind of real dementia. My dad would have little episodes of wanting to go to work or asking about my mom (who had passed) but this was normally after he had been in a deep sleep, possibly dreaming or just in another realm. He could have some vascular dementia from his strokes, but he is nothing like those who have serious dementia. As a result, I can't give you any guidance from personal experience. I am, however, very interested in your story.
Would you mind giving us a history of your mom, how she was as a mom when you were growing up, how she came to live with you. How long she has lived with you. What her doctors have told you, etc. Tell us about your family too.
This is how we get to know each other. I'm glad you are here.
I can only speak from my own experience with my father because he is the only parent I've cared for with dementia. He started acting out in the same way but I noticed he made me his target. He would act toward me with the same rudeness when I would be talking to someone. At first I would ignore him and continue to talk and then he would yell at me, obviously I was startled and hurt just like you. I finally did come to the conclusion that I had to know when I should be quiet and when I should find my voice and speak up for myself. When I would speak up for myself much like your daughter did to your Mother when she interrupted you, my father would get mad also and storm out of the room and go into his room and shut the door, loudly. At first I let this take me back a bit and I would feel guilty...that was all wrong. It only allowed him to manipulate me. It was when I convinced myself that he is "demented" and brought my reaction on himself and if he got mad and acted out it was HIS FAULT not mine. When he would walk in the room talking I would interrupt him and stay loudly "I'm talking here" or "I can't hear you because I'm doing this or that and you will have to wait a minute" Therefore I would no longer allow myself to feel bad about the situation. The results for me since I changed my way of thinking and feeling was that he still acts that way but he does it a little less because he knows he won't make me feel responsible. And the times he continues to do it, I no longer feel responsible when he acts out.. in other words, he can't make me feel like I could have said or done something different or it was something I'm doing wrong.. I don't buy into that any longer. The results this has had on me is incredible, I now just think thoughts to myself like "you crazy old coot" or "go ahead and get mad, I could care less" as he storms away, and there were times when I would say it out loud when a friend was there and I would look at then and say don't take it seriously it's part of his dementia and he can't help it... it might sound harsh but it sure beats beating myself up emotionally or feeling like I'm not good enough. Also in every instance when this happens, within 30 minutes to an hour he forgets about the whole thing anyway. The shift I had to make within myself was hard but now I can care for my Dad daily in my home and not get bitter or resentful toward him. I can actually do it with a much happier disposition. I hope my sharing this with you can help. *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
The following contains only one point of view and does not take into consideration so many different takes on this most difficult situation. When I have more energy I will try to write more from the 'reasoning' side of things where you try talking about different things to your mom to reduce her stress. Right now I am interested in you modifying your behavior to reduce YOUR stress.
Your mom has Dementia and in her mind she is fine and everyone else is not. You are noticing that your mom is displaying behavior that is new and what you are seeing is the disease progress. This disease is so rotten because there is no clear horizon so you have no idea where your mom really 'is'. I am sure that you have had the conversation with your daughter about the fact that her grandmother is demented. Please make sure you use that word, Demented. Her behavior is demented so whatever she does that is outside of what you have learned to expect over the decades of her being your mom is just that. Demented.
de·ment·ed/diˈmentid/ Adjective: Suffering from dementia. Driven to behave irrationally due to anger, distress, or excitement. Synonyms: mad - crazy - insane - lunatic - daft.
Read the above as many times as it takes for you to understand that this has nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with your daughter and nothing to do with what you are doing to make your mom safe and what you are doing to try to make her happy.
One of the toughest things for us as humans to accept is that there are things we can't fix, alter or improve. These things just are. Or, as many of us have been saying for years: It is what it is. Not a damn thing you can do about it but the best you can to make them safe and accept that they are NOT going to be 'happy'. There will be happy moments to be sure but your mom is facing a devastating disease and she ain't going to be happy about it. She knows she's losing it on some level and that is just one thing that makes her hard to deal with. Whether you or your daughter deserve these outbursts or not is not even on the list. Your mom is going to talk over you and be rude because she is demented. She is going to slam doors and act out because she is demented. She will do things that you can't even imagine yet because everyone's dementia is different and every caregiver will do the best they can to cope with this most insane of situations.
Just know that if your mom is in the room it's all about her and (here's a really hard part) don't take it personally. Your attitude will mean everything to your daughter and to yourself. Now is the time to use humor, no kidding. Hey, get a bullhorn! My mom would talk over everyone and did things like described her constipation at a dinner party.... and this was before I understood that she was demented so needless to say I was appalled. Had I realized what was going on at that moment I would have said: Thank God we didn't have meatloaf.... One time my mom ran out into traffic to show me that she could do what she wanted. I about had a stroke.
I have a picture of my mom staring at me and everyone who has seen it gets the creeps because the hate in her eyes is real. But she was demented and as much as it hurt me and as much as I tried to do all things to 'make her happy', what I have learned and what I try to pass on to those coming behind me is: Make YOURSELF happy while you deal with this. Don't do what I did and almost kill yourself to make a person who has already lived their life and is now sick and getting sicker by the day 'happy'. You and your family come first and your mom comes second. That is the natural order of things and that is what is just and fair to you and your family.
I know that counseling and such sounds like a good idea and I'm sure that there are people out there who will take your money. She's not going to learn and will act like a princess for the counselor and then just do what she has been doing.
The time has come for you to make sure you have all paperwork in place if you don't already and for your to think about your alternatives. Forgive me if I don't have all of your details at hand, but if she is living alone that won't last for much longer and if she is living with you and driving you insane that could go on for years as her independence decreases and her needs increase.
Please know that I am not a beast or a mean person to suggest placement but if you start thinking about it now, in the terms of research and knowing what's going on, in the meantime you can contact the county and see what programs are in place for part time caregivers, respite programs etc. Just because you are making yourself aware of your alternatives doesn't mean that you are going to bundle her up and drop her off somewhere tomorrow afternoon. When I was doing this there was very little in place for the caregiver and that has improved but we still have a long way to go.
The other caregivers here will have great suggestions and I guess the take away from this post is that she's demented so try not to be upset when she acts out.
Judy, My mom also talks non stop, even from the far end of the house, she's just hollering away, blah,blah, blah. I'll walk to wherever she is ( I hate yelling of any kind) and quietly ask, "mom, were you talking to me? Or during a tv show, always talking to the point where we miss what is happening. She fills every gap when a third person is speaking to us, as if I am not even there. It is very rude and she used to do this same thing to my dad, now it's me that she treats like this. I was outside on our patio last night having a conversation with my adult daughter, and mom comes out and sits down. (Which is fine,) and while my lips are moving she starts talking over me loudly. My daughter looked at me and I paused my sentance ( and I was hurt that my mom would do this) and my daughter tells my mom who is still talking, to wait just a minute, that we were just actually having a conversation. My mom freaked out started screaming "I can do whatever I want! I don't have to put up with this! and more like that and got up and went inside screamimg and slamming the doors. She absolutely thinks she is fine, but these outbursts are new, and happening more frequently. Earlier at the dinner table she totally filled every gap and I did not speak at all, just let her go on. I understand that she is very old, and things are happening to her that she doesn't understand and it mst be scarey. It's scarey for me. I think maybe it would helpher to speak to a therapist, she is very lonely. I felt bad for my daughter who has never seen my mom act out like this. My daughter did nothing to warrant this outburst. Oh boy, every day is different isn't it. Thanks allof you caregivers for understanding that I need to vent. I love my mom and am just trying to keep her happy and safe, but she thinks it's my fault that she is getting old and has limitations. ( not many, just no oven cleaner, no driving other than that, she can do just about anything she wants.) How can I switch the dynamics around so that I'm not the bad guy in her mind? Any suggestions most appreciated. Onlyme
Judy...know what you mean about parent talking non-stop. Atleast I wasn't in the car twhen that was happening. Your father is funny but...does that mean he also pulls pranks? Sounds like you can handle his "pranks." Well,enjoy your break! Cricket...all that happened this morning. It's now 11pm. Once I get used to this "new" development of dad, I will handle those poops like a pro - accept it as part of caregiving and not grossing out like a newbie. (Do you think that's possible?)
When I was 19yrs old, I visited older sis in Honolulu. My very first airplane ride via Japan. I just loved all the touristy places we visited (Pearl harbor, zoo, sea world, etc...) I decided that I wanted to travel all over the world (well, mainly the US and Europe.) So, I applied for office worker with a travel agency. Learned to book reservations and started travelling. Before mom got bedridden, I was able to go to Hong Kong, Korea, Tokyo, Bali and London. After mom became bedridden, all my travel stopped. No one to help dad care for her. Actually I did one time, paid fam next door but when I returned home, dad complained. No one came to change mom's pamper at night, so mom slept all night in soggy pampers, etc...That was the end of my traveling days. I'm a travel agent but I also do the bookkeeping, deposits, check issuances, etc...Jill-of-all-trades in business and home-care.
Judy, have a great time squishing your daughter! I will be doing the same to mine in October when I make my trip out to CA to visit. xo
Bookworm, and you had time to write it all out! You are amazing. I have an idea..Tell the sister that the extra money was to give her the incentive to clean. If she doesn't help you more then give her the $80 and hire someone to come in and do the cleaning for you with the other money. Btw, what kind of work do you do? besides the enormous job of caregiving to your parents o.O *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Dad had his 2nd bout of Poop in the bed this morning. I knew it even before I saw it...cuz I sure smelled it! It's 630am, I need to change both parents pampers, feed them and take 2 trashbags out (tonight's trashday), get dress and out the door by 815am (rarely do now that dad is bedridden) and be at work by 830m (usually arrive by 840am and hoping throughout the way that the boss does not come in "on time.").
I actually beat my record of changing mom's pampers. I did it in 10 minutes! No skimping - wipe, clean, lotion, turn, wipe, clean, lotion, turn. Tuck the sheets in, secure the sides, and pull her up to the headrest. No problem!
Dad's turn...Well, this is the 2nd episode. Now I know what I'm dealing with, I got everything ready. Turned Dad to side, "OMG!" stomach wants to heave but I controlled it. Nope, I will need 2 liners to clean his mess. He had poop all over front, on stomach, on back, everywhere on him and on the waterproof pad and the bedsheet. No problem, I've got this covered. I wiped, squirted No-Rinse wash, wiped, lotioned. Roll the soiled sheet, with padding and liners as I turn him. Professionally done, I must say. Changed his pants. Took off his shirt since I decided that if this is going to be a recurrent problem, I can't keep cutting up his shirts because pretty soon he won't have any left. I swear, that I got all the poop out. I've put on the clean blanket lifter, the padding, his shirt and pants. I inspected the bed when I turned him left/right. By the time I'm putting on his shirt, it's now 7:50am (1 hour just to clean him!). He sits up, and dried poop starts falling down!! I think I cussed because oldest sis stopped and turned to me. Too bad, I'm late, I have no time to clean those little pellets of poop. I ran, grabbed another liner, and just placed it on top of the poop. Not my problem! The gov't sponsored caregivers will be coming this afternoon at 2pm to sponge bathe him. Let them deal with it!
I ran with his mess, laid it all out on the porch, took the hose with the nozzle and sprayed off those poop on pants, pad and bedding. Grabbed it, ran to the washer, dumped it in, told oldest sis to when done, to re-wash it. Threw in waffles for dad's breakfast, grabbed mom's Nutren, ran and grabbed the waffles, dad's water jar. Dumped him his waffle and water. Tapped my foot while waiting for the Nutren to slowly go down mom's stomach tube. Keep looking at the time. Done. Ran and quickly dressed and came rushing out.... Home nurse here for mom - Oops..I forgot she was coming today to change mom's pamper - it's 8:15am. Sigh...No time..I'm proud to say that I got to work on my usual time - 835am and the boss wasn't there to see my tardiness!
I have decided that I cannot do this every morning. If dad is going to be a regular "mess" each morning, I will need to set the alarm to maybe 5:45am. See if that works so that I'm not running around like that Octomom. (Ever see her doing that from the HLN Dr.Drew show? I felt like I was doing that, too!)
FYI, oldest sis is only here to babysit. I try not to resent her for Not Helping More Than Normal even though this month, I gave her $320.00 and from dad $100.00. I could have been stingy and only gave her the agreed amount of $80.00/month from me. Frustrating cuz she has stopped cleaning, etc...But, I try not to harp on it in my head or else I start stressing/resenting then depression.
Lildeb, I can go for days without drinking water. I know it's bad but I really can't stand the taste. If I try to drink it, I start heaving. My doc gave some advice to me since I struggle with water. 1. Flavor the water - with a bit of lemon. 2. Flavored water from the store. 3. Bottled water 4. Watermelon 5. Ice Tea (but not all the time.)
Of all the above, I have found the hard way that any flavored water including the one with lemon, causes major GERD (acid reflux) flare up. So, I scratched those out. I don't like watermelon. And I used to be addicted to Iced Tea. Took me forever to quit drinking it. I would lay awake at nights yearning for iced tea. So, that was out.
Bottled water - won hands down! I tried putting the faucet (tap) water in the empty plastic bottle, in thermos, etc...Tap water is AWFUL!!! So, now, I have to buy case of bottled water just for me. I can drink the whole icy cold bottled water within 2 hours. This is a milestone since I never really drank water in the first place.
I'm not constipated because I munch on those Trail Mix which has nuts, dried pineapple, papaya, dates and coconut. But, I'm sure I'm dehydrated since I can go for days only drinking 1 cup of ice coffee in the morning. No soda, water or ice tea for lunch or dinner. So, I force myself to drink the bottled water for dinner.
Packing my bag....leaving for 3 nights...woooohoooo! The nark is going out of town, so you guys are on your own. (I was going to say I wasn't going to be here to do turd patrol, but, it sounded too nasty.) I'll miss you all, but I'll have some good reading to do when I get back. Can't wait to squish my daughter! xxxooo
Judy your Dad sounds like a riot! So you were the one!! You dirty rat. LOL I came back on to see if there was anymore news about Ted but it looks like I will have to wait. Everyone have a good night, Diane I hope you get some sleep tonight. xo *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Rat-girl here. Yes, Cat, I do have to confess to everyone... the doctor royally pissed me off and I, like a nutjob on a crusade for justice or revenge, went to her profile, looked through her activity, and reported every single comment that she made that listed her website and, even, phone number in one! I pointed out to her that forum etiquette forbids promoting one's personal website and that I found her use of title in every post off-putting. And you know, I love breaking rules, always gave my parents and the nuns in school hell, and I'm the first one to say "go for it" if there's a chance we can get into trouble, get arrested, or risk life and limb, but there was that air of superiority in a comment that made me go a bit whacko. And I hate that pompous crap. So, I do feel badly about being a rat, but I'm glad she's gone. Now I feel like the group nark! UGH! I took Fang out to the oral surgeon again. She was okay today. Aside from talking NONSTOP in the car until I thought I was going to scream, she wasn't too critical with me or others. My dad, on the other hand, decided it would be hysterical to come up behind me and pretend to spit in my hair. Its like he's 5 yrs old sometimes. You should've seen him doubling over with laughter after making some loogie hocking sound into my neck. I'm still laughing over that. He's like a kid. He snuck up behind me when I was busy looking through paperwork on their counter, and made this big throat clearing, distusting loogie sounding thing and blew air into my hair. I turned around, horrified, and he just about wet his pants, like it was the funniest thing ever. Hahahaha! I'm still smiling. Made my day.
Well, I so glad I'm not the only one talking trash on sinister, bs siblings and wanting to kick some butts. I never knew Ted, but read lots of his posts and it is criminal how he has and continues to be treated. Diane, it's unforgivable how you have been treated too, but thanks to you getting in to see that attorney, the house is safely yours and the wretched sibs can't take it away from you.
I think the doc was not medical, just got a doctorate degree is BS. I think she wanted to be helpful, but was way too hung up on her Dr title and most of all, I think she lacked empathy. Way to thin skinned too, hey Bobbie. I posted on her wall a couple of days later and mentioned her comment to Bobbie and explained why I thought it was out of line. Where does she get off talking down to anyone. I didn't use my 2x4, just explained that she doesn't really know what someone else has been through and, for those of us who do, her comments are offensive.
So having trashed the doc, I feel obligated to admit that I have sure stuck my foot in my mouth more than once on AC; like when I went on my rant to the sweetest person, Linda09, over Bobbie and Boat Angel. Jeez, did I feel like a dumb s*** afterwards. Just riding my horse like I had good sense. I was most grateful to Deef, Christina and Cricket for their kindness and for not nailing me to the cross. Once I was able to dislocate my foot from my mouth, I at least had the good sense to throw myself on the mercy of the court. I so appreciate forgiveness.
Diane: I agree with Bobbie and Cricket; your sibs are worthless so don't waste your time on them. You on the other hand are the best. God Bless you. Now go out there and twist some titties.
Just saw Bobbie's post about Ted's sibs....OMG! It's shit like that that makes me want to go kick some serious ass.. Poor Ted, what is he going to do? Is there anything we can do to help him? I will be back later after chores.
Diane, thanks for the information on UTI's.. I am tired right now too and I had a good nights sleep. Sometimes I feel like just running away from the whole situation. Caregiving is really really tough in the best of times. I would go totally insane if I had to go through what you are right now. You might have to give her meds to calm her down during the night so you can get the sleep you need. If that's what you have to do it wouldn't make you a bad person, seriously! Forget about that asshole sister of yours and your brother is just messed up on his own, at least he did try to help before.. it always falls back on you because you are the loving and stronger and self sacrificing one... it isn't fair at all, it sucks because even the strong ones can break! I say Drugs temporarily, earplugs, and instead of counting sheep "thinkoftheboat" I'm here for you, rant all you want. And if your doctor won't write you a letter, I will and I'm sure everyone here would sign it.
Onlyme, you've found your new home.. your not alone. Live and Vent and "thinkoftheboat"
I was wondering what happened to the Doctor myself.. seems like as soon as I asked her what kind of doctor she was "poof" she was gone.
Today besides all the usual caregiving chores I had the pharma run, grocery run, had to take dads pants in to get shortened because he is down to 1 pair besides the ones I dropped off. I discovered that when he would mess in his pants instead of telling me or trying to clean them he was just shuffling out to the trash can and tossing them. Now I have to go do his meds... fix dinner and I'm tired! Waaaa.. will somebody please tell a joke or have a shitsofrantic moment... bbl if I'm lucky. xoxo
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Will be in touch I still have a lot of road left ....good luck and god bless
Will be in touch I still have a lot of road left ....good luck and god bless
California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
Cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
YOU JUST HAVE TO LAUGH SOMETIMES OR GO CRAZY!
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at
a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died,
and was given a very elaborate funeral by the
hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during the service as all
the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and
the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst
into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him,
he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking
of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The preacher fainted!..*
One of the casualties of my being mom's caregiver has been a the friendship of a close friend for over 25 years. She decided to take my nephew's side and stopped talking with me a year and a half ago. Today is her birthday. It leaves me feeling empty and sad to know that I can't call and wish her a happy birthday or go out and celebrate with her, but she made that decision not me.
Let me go for now and I'll try check in later.
Love ya,
Diane
Would you mind giving us a history of your mom, how she was as a mom when you were growing up, how she came to live with you. How long she has lived with you. What her doctors have told you, etc. Tell us about your family too.
This is how we get to know each other. I'm glad you are here.
Sending you lots of love and support. Cattails
I can only speak from my own experience with my father because he is the only parent I've cared for with dementia. He started acting out in the same way but I noticed he made me his target. He would act toward me with the same rudeness when I would be talking to someone. At first I would ignore him and continue to talk and then he would yell at me, obviously I was startled and hurt just like you. I finally did come to the conclusion that I had to know when I should be quiet and when I should find my voice and speak up for myself. When I would speak up for myself much like your daughter did to your Mother when she interrupted you, my father would get mad also and storm out of the room and go into his room and shut the door, loudly. At first I let this take me back a bit and I would feel guilty...that was all wrong. It only allowed him to manipulate me. It was when I convinced myself that he is "demented" and brought my reaction on himself and if he got mad and acted out it was HIS FAULT not mine. When he would walk in the room talking I would interrupt him and stay loudly "I'm talking here" or "I can't hear you because I'm doing this or that and you will have to wait a minute" Therefore I would no longer allow myself to feel bad about the situation. The results for me since I changed my way of thinking and feeling was that he still acts that way but he does it a little less because he knows he won't make me feel responsible. And the times he continues to do it, I no longer feel responsible when he acts out.. in other words, he can't make me feel like I could have said or done something different or it was something I'm doing wrong.. I don't buy into that any longer. The results this has had on me is incredible, I now just think thoughts to myself like "you crazy old coot" or "go ahead and get mad, I could care less" as he storms away, and there were times when I would say it out loud when a friend was there and I would look at then and say don't take it seriously it's part of his dementia and he can't help it... it might sound harsh but it sure beats beating myself up emotionally or feeling like I'm not good enough. Also in every instance when this happens, within 30 minutes to an hour he forgets about the whole thing anyway. The shift I had to make within myself was hard but now I can care for my Dad daily in my home and not get bitter or resentful toward him. I can actually do it with a much happier disposition. I hope my sharing this with you can help.
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
The following contains only one point of view and does not take into consideration so many different takes on this most difficult situation. When I have more energy I will try to write more from the 'reasoning' side of things where you try talking about different things to your mom to reduce her stress.
Right now I am interested in you modifying your behavior to reduce YOUR stress.
Your mom has Dementia and in her mind she is fine and everyone else is not. You are noticing that your mom is displaying behavior that is new and what you are seeing is the disease progress.
This disease is so rotten because there is no clear horizon so you have no idea where your mom really 'is'.
I am sure that you have had the conversation with your daughter about the fact that her grandmother is demented. Please make sure you use that word, Demented.
Her behavior is demented so whatever she does that is outside of what you have learned to expect over the decades of her being your mom is just that. Demented.
de·ment·ed/diˈmentid/
Adjective:
Suffering from dementia.
Driven to behave irrationally due to anger, distress, or excitement.
Synonyms:
mad - crazy - insane - lunatic - daft.
Read the above as many times as it takes for you to understand that this has nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with your daughter and nothing to do with what you are doing to make your mom safe and what you are doing to try to make her happy.
One of the toughest things for us as humans to accept is that there are things we can't fix, alter or improve. These things just are. Or, as many of us have been saying for years: It is what it is. Not a damn thing you can do about it but the best you can to make them safe and accept that they are NOT going to be 'happy'. There will be happy moments to be sure but your mom is facing a devastating disease and she ain't going to be happy about it. She knows she's losing it on some level and that is just one thing that makes her hard to deal with.
Whether you or your daughter deserve these outbursts or not is not even on the list. Your mom is going to talk over you and be rude because she is demented. She is going to slam doors and act out because she is demented. She will do things that you can't even imagine yet because everyone's dementia is different and every caregiver will do the best they can to cope with this most insane of situations.
Just know that if your mom is in the room it's all about her and (here's a really hard part) don't take it personally. Your attitude will mean everything to your daughter and to yourself. Now is the time to use humor, no kidding. Hey, get a bullhorn!
My mom would talk over everyone and did things like described her constipation at a dinner party.... and this was before I understood that she was demented so needless to say I was appalled. Had I realized what was going on at that moment I would have said: Thank God we didn't have meatloaf....
One time my mom ran out into traffic to show me that she could do what she wanted. I about had a stroke.
I have a picture of my mom staring at me and everyone who has seen it gets the creeps because the hate in her eyes is real. But she was demented and as much as it hurt me and as much as I tried to do all things to 'make her happy', what I have learned and what I try to pass on to those coming behind me is:
Make YOURSELF happy while you deal with this. Don't do what I did and almost kill yourself to make a person who has already lived their life and is now sick and getting sicker by the day 'happy'.
You and your family come first and your mom comes second. That is the natural order of things and that is what is just and fair to you and your family.
I know that counseling and such sounds like a good idea and I'm sure that there are people out there who will take your money. She's not going to learn and will act like a princess for the counselor and then just do what she has been doing.
The time has come for you to make sure you have all paperwork in place if you don't already and for your to think about your alternatives. Forgive me if I don't have all of your details at hand, but if she is living alone that won't last for much longer and if she is living with you and driving you insane that could go on for years as her independence decreases and her needs increase.
Please know that I am not a beast or a mean person to suggest placement but if you start thinking about it now, in the terms of research and knowing what's going on, in the meantime you can contact the county and see what programs are in place for part time caregivers, respite programs etc. Just because you are making yourself aware of your alternatives doesn't mean that you are going to bundle her up and drop her off somewhere tomorrow afternoon.
When I was doing this there was very little in place for the caregiver and that has improved but we still have a long way to go.
The other caregivers here will have great suggestions and I guess the take away from this post is that she's demented so try not to be upset when she acts out.
Vent and Live!
Love you onlyme and that is real. thinkoftheboat
lovbob
Cricket...all that happened this morning. It's now 11pm. Once I get used to this "new" development of dad, I will handle those poops like a pro - accept it as part of caregiving and not grossing out like a newbie. (Do you think that's possible?)
Bookworm, and you had time to write it all out! You are amazing. I have an idea..Tell the sister that the extra money was to give her the incentive to clean. If she doesn't help you more then give her the $80 and hire someone to come in and do the cleaning for you with the other money. Btw, what kind of work do you do? besides the enormous job of caregiving to your parents o.O
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
I actually beat my record of changing mom's pampers. I did it in 10 minutes! No skimping - wipe, clean, lotion, turn, wipe, clean, lotion, turn. Tuck the sheets in, secure the sides, and pull her up to the headrest. No problem!
Dad's turn...Well, this is the 2nd episode. Now I know what I'm dealing with, I got everything ready. Turned Dad to side, "OMG!" stomach wants to heave but I controlled it. Nope, I will need 2 liners to clean his mess. He had poop all over front, on stomach, on back, everywhere on him and on the waterproof pad and the bedsheet. No problem, I've got this covered. I wiped, squirted No-Rinse wash, wiped, lotioned. Roll the soiled sheet, with padding and liners as I turn him. Professionally done, I must say. Changed his pants. Took off his shirt since I decided that if this is going to be a recurrent problem, I can't keep cutting up his shirts because pretty soon he won't have any left. I swear, that I got all the poop out. I've put on the clean blanket lifter, the padding, his shirt and pants. I inspected the bed when I turned him left/right. By the time I'm putting on his shirt, it's now 7:50am (1 hour just to clean him!). He sits up, and dried poop starts falling down!! I think I cussed because oldest sis stopped and turned to me. Too bad, I'm late, I have no time to clean those little pellets of poop. I ran, grabbed another liner, and just placed it on top of the poop. Not my problem! The gov't sponsored caregivers will be coming this afternoon at 2pm to sponge bathe him. Let them deal with it!
I ran with his mess, laid it all out on the porch, took the hose with the nozzle and sprayed off those poop on pants, pad and bedding. Grabbed it, ran to the washer, dumped it in, told oldest sis to when done, to re-wash it. Threw in waffles for dad's breakfast, grabbed mom's Nutren, ran and grabbed the waffles, dad's water jar. Dumped him his waffle and water. Tapped my foot while waiting for the Nutren to slowly go down mom's stomach tube. Keep looking at the time. Done. Ran and quickly dressed and came rushing out.... Home nurse here for mom - Oops..I forgot she was coming today to change mom's pamper - it's 8:15am. Sigh...No time..I'm proud to say that I got to work on my usual time - 835am and the boss wasn't there to see my tardiness!
I have decided that I cannot do this every morning. If dad is going to be a regular "mess" each morning, I will need to set the alarm to maybe 5:45am. See if that works so that I'm not running around like that Octomom. (Ever see her doing that from the HLN Dr.Drew show? I felt like I was doing that, too!)
FYI, oldest sis is only here to babysit. I try not to resent her for Not Helping More Than Normal even though this month, I gave her $320.00 and from dad $100.00. I could have been stingy and only gave her the agreed amount of $80.00/month from me. Frustrating cuz she has stopped cleaning, etc...But, I try not to harp on it in my head or else I start stressing/resenting then depression.
1. Flavor the water - with a bit of lemon.
2. Flavored water from the store.
3. Bottled water
4. Watermelon
5. Ice Tea (but not all the time.)
Of all the above, I have found the hard way that any flavored water including the one with lemon, causes major GERD (acid reflux) flare up. So, I scratched those out. I don't like watermelon. And I used to be addicted to Iced Tea. Took me forever to quit drinking it. I would lay awake at nights yearning for iced tea. So, that was out.
Bottled water - won hands down! I tried putting the faucet (tap) water in the empty plastic bottle, in thermos, etc...Tap water is AWFUL!!! So, now, I have to buy case of bottled water just for me. I can drink the whole icy cold bottled water within 2 hours. This is a milestone since I never really drank water in the first place.
I'm not constipated because I munch on those Trail Mix which has nuts, dried pineapple, papaya, dates and coconut. But, I'm sure I'm dehydrated since I can go for days only drinking 1 cup of ice coffee in the morning. No soda, water or ice tea for lunch or dinner. So, I force myself to drink the bottled water for dinner.
I came back on to see if there was anymore news about Ted but it looks like I will have to wait. Everyone have a good night, Diane I hope you get some sleep tonight. xo
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
I think the doc was not medical, just got a doctorate degree is BS. I think she wanted to be helpful, but was way too hung up on her Dr title and most of all, I think she lacked empathy. Way to thin skinned too, hey Bobbie. I posted on her wall a couple of days later and mentioned her comment to Bobbie and explained why I thought it was out of line. Where does she get off talking down to anyone. I didn't use my 2x4, just explained that she doesn't really know what someone else has been through and, for those of us who do, her comments are offensive.
So having trashed the doc, I feel obligated to admit that I have sure stuck my foot in my mouth more than once on AC; like when I went on my rant to the sweetest person, Linda09, over Bobbie and Boat Angel. Jeez, did I feel like a dumb s*** afterwards. Just riding my horse like I had good sense. I was most grateful to Deef, Christina and Cricket for their kindness and for not nailing me to the cross. Once I was able to dislocate my foot from my mouth, I at least had the good sense to throw myself on the mercy of the court. I so appreciate forgiveness.
Diane: I agree with Bobbie and Cricket; your sibs are worthless so don't waste your time on them. You on the other hand are the best. God Bless you. Now go out there and twist some titties.
Love to all, Cat
Onlyme, you've found your new home.. your not alone. Live and Vent and "thinkoftheboat"
I was wondering what happened to the Doctor myself.. seems like as soon as I asked her what kind of doctor she was "poof" she was gone.
Today besides all the usual caregiving chores I had the pharma run, grocery run, had to take dads pants in to get shortened because he is down to 1 pair besides the ones I dropped off. I discovered that when he would mess in his pants instead of telling me or trying to clean them he was just shuffling out to the trash can and tossing them. Now I have to go do his meds... fix dinner and I'm tired! Waaaa.. will somebody please tell a joke or have a shitsofrantic moment... bbl if I'm lucky. xoxo