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Hi I am trying to catch up after being away-it was so hot in Kutztown my daughter and I styed 4 days and then came home. Mame4mom I have a friend that grew up near Lake Skaneantes and moved back there a few years ago -it is a beautiful lake but liked it better the way it was back in the 60's when I visited there.
Pat: I don't know how you could not be depressed. It depresses me just to imagine all you have done for the last 23 years. I haven't shared your experiences. I've been taking care of my parents for close to 7 years. Mom passed in 2008 and dad had a major stroke a year ago and has required 24/7 care ever since.
The obvious question is, have you ever considered placing your mom in AL and having a chance to live on your own? After 23 years you deserve a chance to live your own life.
Please stay with us and vent to your hearts content. Believe me, everyone here can understand all the unimaginable sneaky things your mom gets up to and we all have a pretty good sense of humor. So let it rip.
tbailey: I'm so sorry, my mistake. I do apologize. I'm glad you are feeling better. You know the heat so many are experiencing this summer has got to be a big contributor to anger and frustration. I feel so sorry for those who are living in record temperatures.
Thanks for the prayers and support. I received a call yesterday from social services and was told we could place my dad any time. The facility we will be using is full right now, but they will have an opening in the next 7 to 10 days. So that's where we are at right now.
My granddaughter will be getting married on August 18th and it's a relief to know that we can just board the dogs and go without the trials and tribulations of finding respite care for dad during that time. My sister was supposed to be here to take care of him. Of course, she was supposed to be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter break, etc.etc. and never came. She had been assuring me that she would be her for Amanda's wedding and then called me last week and I could see the excuses starting to surface. It was so nice to just be able to say, "Rose, don't worry about it. We won't need you after all."
My sibs were aware that NH was an option I would be checking into. They have no objections. Of course, two of them haven't seen dad in a year and the other came for 2 days some time ago. Their calls are infrequent. No one called on Father's Day. So I keep them posted, but not constantly updated. I didn't feel like discussing each step of the NH process with them because I was needing space to process the idea internally. In the end, it is my conscience, heart and head that have to live together with this decision.
It's a beautiful day in the Pacific Northwest. I on goose alert. The goslings are about as big as the parents and soon they will fly. I so hope I get to witness their first flight. I'm sure I will be laughing and crying at the same time.
Pat, I haven't had the same issues to deal with but welcome to a great group of people here on the GO thread. We all have different situations but are able to vent and get support from one another here. Stay with us and we will get through these trials together!
I have been caring for my mom since 1989, she is now 84 and I am 63. She is bipolar, severe depression since 1989, and numerous medical problems. She has sundown syndrom also, up all night, so needless to say I never sleep. I have 4 grown children, but no help. She does crazy things, hides food in her room, sneaks around doing things that just is unimaginable. I worked up until last year whereas I got laid off from my job. Have no one to talk to, no support, just getting harder and harder coping especially living with her depression for 23 years, times I think I too am depressed. I wait on her hand and foot. She now has become quite combative. Anyway else out there experiencing the same feelings. She has not left the house in 10 years. She also has COD, combs and sprays and washes her hair 10 times a day, puts makeup on just as many times.
GO for it JEN Good luck.... I use to always write short stories back in type writer days .. now Im lucky if I get to journal .. But I think It helps.. Im just not good at it. After i write it I dont even understand sometimes lol....Thanks 2 all of you for your prayers Im better I guess... Cattails been praying 4 you....I have never been diagnosed with bi polar not saying i dont I do get deppressed and when I lost my mother about 5 years ago Ive tried every depp. pill known to man well last year cymbalta seem to b working good I have bad artheritis and thats why dr. wanted to try and she just upped the dose I weaned myself off im going to stick with my nerve pills I already feel better.... I also have came to a place where I am putting Me first . Im painting middle room large hallway and decorating. My husband has been trying to help me more..... I know he is busy but when he is inside home he can go answer her repeated ???'s ......Its been sooooo hot here in indiana I think 108 today or will fell like 108 .... SO just wanted to check in and you all stay cool. Love n pRayers .... Cricket I wish there was something like that coming to indianapolis I need that.
Cat, I'm glad you got your dad approved for Medicaid. I hope you will have an easier time finding and available Medicaid bed than I am here in SC. I found out to avoid the 2 and 3 year waitlist for a Medicaid bed you nerd to be in the nursing home prior as private pay and then you get moved up to the top of the Medicaid list. I wrote a long email to my sibs tonight to saying what we need to do to get mom in to a NH by the end of the month. Lets see if the tightwads will do anything. My brother just can't help anymore physically or mentally. He keeps throwing out his back trying to get mom on her feet. I can relate since I know how much my back hurt the first two or three years of being a caregiver.
Jen, I wish you success with the play. I cant wait to say "I knew her before she was famous"
Cricket, I think it's the full moon throwing us into a tail spin this week. I hope you get a good night's rest.
Igore, take care of yourself! I'm having to remind myself of this too.
I was going to write notes to each one of you but my darn brain went blank. I guess I will just give a big shout out to everyone and hope you all have a good night!
Cattails, you are right not to give your Dad a heads up about what is going to happen. It would only increase stress on him and you. I don't know about you but when I can't imagine my kids doing for me what I am doing for my Mom.
Cricket, I got my Mom wireless headphones just for that tv blaring thing. Hope you slept well.
Although my daughter is a CNA, I could just see her and the WESIL pushing me in the wheelchair. The WESIL pushing my chair and sayin "Time for your bath!" I will keep a cyanide captule handy and bite down on it.
Yay! I got two hours of sleep then got woke up. It's 3:30 or dark thirty and Dad is up with his TV Blaring.
Cuz. loved it! I hope you are well. xoxo
Jen, good luck in the contest! Good for you for doing that. :)
Meanwhile, I love small town parades. I miss the country, bad. I hope your nightmares go away. I've suffered bad nightmares my whole life, it really sucks.
Cattails, you definitely have my prayers! That is a really hard decision and you have my support for sure. Also, I would be happy to cc any information to you but I need your email addy. I haven't read the book you mentioned but I think the Author of that book will be at a convention my daughter Jessica and I will be attending out in CA the end of October. We signed up to go to Louise Hay's "I can do it" convention for a weekend while I'm taking a two week respite, it's all about boosting self care and I need that. Plus my oldest daughter and I will get to do it together since it's taking place near her. I can't wait!
Well I'm going to try to go back to sleep again. Thanks everyone for the love and support as always. *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Jen, Good for you. I'm wishing you the best of luck. Don't give up.
Cricket: I have also had difficulty falling asleep since I was a child. Don't know why my mind can't click off. My hubby can fall asleep so easily. I always envy him.
Update: My dad's Medicaid application has been approved from a financial standpoint. A social worker came to our home last Monday and did an assessment on him. He definitely qualifies for 24/7 care. Duh!! So the assessment report needs to go to the case worker that handles the financial and then we can proceed to placement. It could possibly happen next week.
I haven't shared much about this because it's so personal to me and I know everyone has their opinions. I've not said anything about this to my dad. I can't see any benefit to giving him a heads up. To be honest, I will take the chicken shit way out and tell him that he is going to respite care for a while. In time I will tell him that I am not able to take care of him full time because we are dealing with our own health issues, which is true.
If you all can, would you say a prayer for me, my husband and my dad. This is so difficult, but it is necessary.
Mud/igore I hear that! t baily you are not crazy the whole scenario is!!! Cricket urinals in the sink yup been there shouted that down....Agree take some pain killer s and go to sleep get up and make the rules it's your house event though it doesn't feel like it... Now submitting my play for consideration in Play writing contests.... this is gonna get scary but I am doing it!!!!!
UNDIES ~ HAD TO SEND THIS ~ IF YOU DON'T LAUGH ~ CALL 911 ~ YOU'RE DEAD
Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!! This is truly first grade logic,
Undies Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".. Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
I'll say a prayer, that we all get a good nights sleep. Been having nightmares myself. But, really not much drama going here. Went to the 4th of July parade. Small town parades are really quite fun. The floats aren't fancy, mostly pickup trucks pulling trailers decorated with crepe paper. The volunteer fire department brings all their trucks out. And, almost all of them throw candy to the crowd. I gave what I picked up to the kids standing next to me (well most of it). There was even a burro wearing a pink tutu. Everyone try and take care of yourself. Don't know what I would do without you guys.
Hi again everyone, I just took two Advil PM's and kicked everyone out of my back room and barricaded myself in. LOL Cat let me see ...what can I vent about today... I think it all actually started yesterday...hmm well to be more accurate it all started about 5 years ago. I have a sleep disorder called every once in awhile I just can't get to sleep, I don't drink coffee anymore so it's not that. I've been like this since I was a kid and about 15 yrs ago was diagnosed with ADHD (so that explains why I would lay in bed and stare at the ceiling well into the morning hours). Anyway it hit me bad yesterday and I didn't fall asleep until after 5 AM this morning. I was exhausted today.. Then of course the dogs decided they wanted to try to drown my old little dog in the backyard fountain that has been neglected and turned into swamp water..oh great! I had to drag them all out of the swamp, give them all baths, then put my little Blackie in the crate so the other dogs wouldn't bother him while I cleaned myself up (I was covered in swamp from head to toe), then afterwards I came into let Blackie out of his crate and he had diarrhea and it was all over him and in the crate bedding, etc... wash, rinse, repeat, and laundry... oh then I caught Dad trying to pour out his full urinal down the kitchen sink! So I had to disinfect the entire kitchen because who knows what was going on in there while I was in the shower. Then had to listen to Dad telling me how sick and tired he was and that he wasn't able to do anything for himself or he would die, blah blah but then go and get ready for his new nurse who is coming to help him shower, lol It's all pretty much the usual, I'm just having a bad day because of a lack of sleep. I pretty much have people living in my house 24/7 and it's a challenge keeping up with everything and everyone, dogs, and then theirs Dad.. My husband has a home office and works here, then theirs my 27 yr. old stepson who is unemployed and sleeping on the couch for the time being... You know all the usual slices of the same shit pie we all get now and then, lol On the bright side.. I did get the floors cleaned today, the dogs all got bathed, half of the laundry got done and I made a nice dinner for everyone. So it all ended well and hopefully these Advil will not backfire on me and keep me awake all night... or Dad doesn't need me. Long story short.. I love sleep, it's my best friend and if I don't get it I turn into a super charged turbo speed crazy person.. I would settle for even a couple of hours to stop the mania. Thanks for asking, I think. . :) xoxox
Cricket: What's going on in your world? I think you need a good venting. It's a positive thing to share your heart. If Mame get's in touch with you regarding weight loss, can I be cc'd on your comments? I need help too. Have you ever read the book "Women, Food and God"? I have it and need to get reading.
Our geese are growing up. Soon they will take flight. I will be sending a piece of my heart with all of them.
My God it is so good to be intouch with you Cattails and Cricket.
My brothers are 5 and 6 years older than me and it seems I have the best health to date. Stomach bleeds aside, I had not been hospitalized since the age of five. But as dirty harry once said "A man's got to know his limitations". I about found mine on the roof last weekend. We made it home from vacation. It was a good time. And cat, you are right when you say to take care of self before saving the world. My sons are bright and do well in school.
As you all know, Andy Griffith died this week. It occured to me that he was just about the same age as my Dad would have been. I am 11 years away from the age Dad was when he died. I would like to be there a bit longer for my sons than my Dad was able to for me. We can't control all that but we can make choices that improve our chances.
Hi Igore, Welcome back! I loved your long newsy posts and thanks for the encouragement as well. Today has been a long difficult day for me with lots of chaos and it's so refreshing to see words from you. I think we are somewhere along the same plane in the universe because I'm trying to maintain my kingdom :) At least I haven't started yelling.."You are all banned from my kingdom" YET! Have a good night. *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Yeah, Igore. I'm thinking who is the mudrivercat who say's he was in touch with me. Then I read more and knew it was IGORE, my little buddy. You are getting so wise. Yes, you don't want to berate your mom, like she did your Grandmother. It's also wise of you to realize that your mom's care is exceeding your abilities. I don't know how much older your brothers are, but there seem to be health issues that run in your family. You have just come through a major situation yourself. Maybe it's time to focus on your own health. Maybe your mom can qualify for Medicaid and go to an assisted living place. She may do more for herself if she is inspired to do so. If she can, you are not doing her any favors by keeping her in a dependent situation. If she can't, then Medicaid will play for her to be in a nursing home. Something to think about, Lurch. You have young children that need their dad in their lives for years to come. Sorry to hear about the daughter's continuing problems, but you need to save yourself before anyone else.
This is Igore. I screwed up and log in wrong. I had an old alias and I mixed them up. Anyways the above post is mine. I just had not used "mudrivercat" in some time. Forgive me for the screw up and just to show it is mine I will repost it now.
"Hello Everyone,
It has been too long since I checked in on the GO thread. I have been in touch with cattails some but honestly I have not been home a lot in the past month or so. First off I started a new job awhile back. The pay is better, insurance not so much but I enjoy my work a lot more. I won’t go into all that except to say I have had many long days at this new job. I am glad it is summer because there is some daylight left when I get home but not much.
As Cattails said, I was in the hospital with a stomach bleed. I dropped 5 pints o’blood in one day. End result I passed in the ER wheelchair. Next thing I know, I open my eyes and I got IVs and the doc is standing over me saying “Are you with us? Are you with us?” “I reckon I am because I ain’t floating below the ceiling looking at your bald spot.” Anyways, I am getting better but not 100% yet. Meanwhile, I am still trying to deal with stuff on the home front. I have two stepdaughters, one is an addict and one is a welfare queen. That sounds harsh but that is what it is. Some of you may remember my intro into AC and how I was dissing on my wife. That is where I was at during that time. But here is where I am now. My wife and I are way closer to being on the same page than before I first charged into AC like a bull in the china shop. She now understands that I consider her 1st lady in my life. She may not get why I have chosen to be the ‘fixer’. Hell, even I don’t get that one myself. I think my problem early on was I was looking for things to be reciprocal. After all I did my best to love and care for two daughters whose biodad was MIA. I was not asking her to lift a finger in my Mom’s care, I just wanted to do what I felt I had to do.
Also early on, I think I was painting Mom as a dear patron saint who was totally helpless and innocent. That is just not so. My Mom is needy and manipulative when it comes to my time and attention. She wants it ALL. She would deny this but it is true. Mom wont do for herself what she CAN do. If I am home she calls my cell phone when she needs or wants ANYTHING. I feel like Lurch. “You Rang??”
I am fortunate compared to those of you who are taking care of a parent that was a predator and abuser of you when they were young. Mom was not to that extreme. She did have one hell of a temper though. The irony is I can recall her screaming at her Mother for the most miniscule of infractions. The other day I changed the sheets on her bed. With her bladder and bowel control (or lack of) the aroma can take over if one is not vigilant. Well I was making up her bed and I am finding old depends, food, mail, snot tissues, and you name it one the bed, between covers and between the bed and the wall. I started cursing so bad that it would have peeled the paint of one of my old Navy ships from my days in the Navy. I was yelling at her because I had had enough. I lost it and then I had like this flashback (I have never dropped acid) of watching my Mom rake Grandma over the coals. I felt so bad. I just ceased talking and finished what I was doing. The thing is I see where Mom’s needs exceed my capacity to meet them. Like many of you, I have little help from the siblings. Not totally excusing my brothers but one just had a heart attack and the other is functionally illiterate (dyslexia) . My dyslexic brother has a big heart but he and his wife are not in the best of health and although there capacity is limited they do what they can. My bro with the heart problems has not been much help during these last five years and I don’t understand him exactly. I am the youngest of the kids and yet somehow I got appointed ‘patriarch’. I still have not figured that one out. Anyways, I want to say something about hypocrisy. I noticed that you have had someone tell you about “real Christians” during the past couple of weeks. This sort of thing makes me nauseous. For years, I went to church and sat in Sunday school and listed to folks with superior, smug, attitudes damn near broke their arms to pat their own back. To me to be a ‘real’ Christian you must recognize that you are a ‘real’ mess when compared to God. I have warts, I say ‘shit’ ‘damn’ and ‘expletive delete’ when I lose it. I am not proud of that but I would rather be real and not try to hide what a loser I am than to pretend to be the ‘master of my universe’ and play the fiddle while Rome burns. So to those of you that are doing the best you can taking care of your parent whether or not they deserve it. You hang in there and say what you feel. God already knows and it is ok.
Our parents had us so it was their responsibility to wipe poo and so on. But not every reproducing human is worthy of being a parent. No one can tell you that you should take their crap (literally or figuratively) until their dying day.
That is all I have for now. I am glad to have this thread because most of you are good ‘real’ folks making the best of worst situation that a person could find themselves in.
It has been too long since I checked in on the GO thread. I have been in touch with cattails some but honestly I have not been home a lot in the past month or so. First off I started a new job awhile back. The pay is better, insurance not so much but I enjoy my work a lot more. I won’t go into all that except to say I have had many long days at this new job. I am glad it is summer because there is some daylight left when I get home but not much. As Cattails said, I was in the hospital with a stomach bleed. I dropped 5 pints o’blood in one day. End result I passed in the ER wheelchair. Next thing I know, I open my eyes and I got IVs and the doc is standing over me saying “Are you with us? Are you with us?” “I reckon I am because I ain’t floating below the ceiling looking at your bald spot.” Anyways, I am getting better but not 100% yet. Meanwhile, I am still trying to deal with stuff on the home front. I have two stepdaughters, one is an addict and one is a welfare queen. That sounds harsh but that is what it is. Some of you may remember my intro into AC and how I was dissing on my wife. That is where I was at during that time. But here is where I am now. My wife and I are way closer to being on the same page than before I first charged into AC like a bull in the china shop. She now understands that I consider her 1st lady in my life. She may not get why I have chosen to be the ‘fixer’. Hell, even I don’t get that one myself. I think my problem early on was I was looking for things to be reciprocal. After all I did my best to love and care for two daughters whose biodad was MIA. I was not asking her to lift a finger in my Mom’s care, I just wanted to do what I felt I had to do. Also early on, I think I was painting Mom as a dear patron saint who was totally helpless and innocent. That is just not so. My Mom is needy and manipulative when it comes to my time and attention. She wants it ALL. She would deny this but it is true. Mom wont do for herself what she CAN do. If I am home she calls my cell phone when she needs or wants ANYTHING. I feel like Lurch. “You Rang??” I am fortunate compared to those of you who are taking care of a parent that was a predator and abuser of you when they were young. Mom was not to that extreme. She did have one hell of a temper though. The irony is I can recall her screaming at her Mother for the most miniscule of infractions. The other day I changed the sheets on her bed. With her bladder and bowel control (or lack of) the aroma can take over if one is not vigilant. Well I was making up her bed and I am finding old depends, food, mail, snot tissues, and you name it one the bed, between covers and between the bed and the wall. I started cursing so bad that it would have peeled the paint of one of my old Navy ships from my days in the Navy. I was yelling at her because I had had enough. I lost it and then I had like this flashback (I have never dropped acid) of watching my Mom rake Grandma over the coals. I felt so bad. I just ceased talking and finished what I was doing. The thing is I see where Mom’s needs exceed my capacity to meet them. Like many of you, I have little help from the siblings. Not totally excusing my brothers but one just had a heart attack and the other is functionally illiterate (dyslexia) . My dyslexic brother has a big heart but he and his wife are not in the best of health and although there capacity is limited they do what they can. My bro with the heart problems has not been much help during these last five years and I don’t understand him exactly. I am the youngest of the kids and yet somehow I got appointed ‘patriarch’. I still have not figured that one out. Anyways, I want to say something about hypocrisy. I noticed that you have had someone tell you about “real Christians” during the past couple of weeks. This sort of thing makes me nauseous. For years, I went to church and sat in Sunday school and listed to folks with superior, smug, attitudes damn near broke their arms to pat their own back. To me to be a ‘real’ Christian you must recognize that you are a ‘real’ mess when compared to God. I have warts, I say ‘shit’ ‘damn’ and ‘expletive delete’ when I lose it. I am not proud of that but I would rather be real and not try to hide what a loser I am than to pretend to be the ‘master of my universe’ and play the fiddle while Rome burns. So to those of you that are doing the best you can taking care of your parent whether or not they deserve it. You hang in there and say what you feel. God already knows and it is ok. Our parents had us so it was their responsibility to wipe poo and so on. But not every reproducing human is worthy of being a parent. No one can tell you that you should take their crap (literally or figuratively) until their dying day. That is all I have for now. I am glad to have this thread because most of you are good ‘real’ folks making the best of worst situation that a person could find themselves in.
Hi Tbailey: I am sorry things are so difficult at home. If I remember correctly, didn't you tell us sometime back that you are bi-polar. Is that correct? Nevertheless, that doesn't mean you are crazy!!!!
You have taken on an enormous job caring for your MIL, especially since she has AZ. My dad doesn't have dementia and I am worn out taking care of him. And I don't have young children to take care of like you do. Plus, it's summer and the kids are out of school and you probably don't have a minute to yourself.
Tracy, you need a break. I think it would be wonderful for you to get away and leave your MIL's care to your husband. Let him deal with her. In addition to that, it would be really great to put your MIL in respite care for a week and have your home back too. You need some down time and you deserve a flipping vacation from her. Everyone does.
Maybe it's time to reevaluate what is best for you and your children. You have done your best to bring MIL home from the nursing home she use to be in and care for her. Time to give an honest look at how this is working out for you. It's not a failure to say, "I tried, but I don't want to do this anymore." You don't have to say you "can't" do this anymore. Not wanting to is a good enough reason. Your life and happiness is the priority. It's not selfish of you to say "no more".
Tracy, if you are bi-polar, then that's another thing that you have to manage. It's part of taking care of yourself. It's not your fault that you are bi-polar, but it is your responsibility to be aware of it and know how you are feeling. To have all the additional stress of caring for your MIL just adds a mountain of weight on your shoulders and emotions. You are suffering under this mountain of weight and I don't want you to suffer and feel bad about yourself. Your husband should be feeling the same way I do and he should be supporting you, giving you comfort and understanding your needs. He should be putting you first.
I don't remember if you ever mentioned why the decision was made to take MIL out of the nursing home and into your home. Was there a financial reason? Did the family was to preserve her assets for inheritance reasons?
Whatever the reason, it's not worth losing years of your life and happiness over. I think you are a very loving and kind person. You are also a great mom and wife. Your children are growing up before your eyes and in two years they will be two years older. Don't miss this time with them. Now is what we have and you can't put time on hold.
I can't say enough good things about you, Tracy. You are a shinning star and I love you. You need some space and a chance to let things cool down a bit between you and your husband. Then it would be good to have a serious talk about his mom. If it's not working, it's not working. The answer is NOT for you to try harder.
Sending you lots of love and I will be praying for you. Please stay in touch.
SS, I'm so sorry. Go ahead and have a good cry and take a nap if you need to, it's okay. It is the same way with my Dad at times too and the best thing you can do for both your Dad and you is to take care of yourself, let the emotions flow so you won't hold them all in, do what you can, accept what you cannot do, and let it go. It's been my mantra lately to say and do this. Maybe it can help you too. xoxo Also, vent as much as you need to.. we are here. Cricketღ
OMG - Just came back from the quarterly review meeting they have with my Dad and the staff at the NH. He is so whacked. He starts off by demanding, "What is the format of this Meeting?" Like he's running the show! Anyway, he's nasty and sarcastic and doesn't like being told he can't do something on him own, like walk and bath and dress. Which is true, he CAN"T do those things and that is while he is there!! But he denies it and tells them they're full of shit. He's totally paranoid and to me, not on the right meds or he wouldn't have these totally belligerent days, then the next day he's fine. It's so bipolar to me, and I've asked for a re-evaluation. He's confused, nasty, demanding and then he says to me in the room after we are done, "I'm sorry." Well that just put me over the edge. I said goodbye and I love you, Dad, then left the room and started the ball my eyes. He's so miserable and so rude to everyone, the nurses, the doctors and my mother. There's no answer here. No money and no answer. I feel horrible..... (boo hoo pity party over here). I just want to go to bed but it's 2pm in the afternoon....I love my Dad, but I don't like him.
Tbailey, Please please listen to what Bobbie said. I only want to add one thing to what Bobbie said and that is once you do it don't be surprised if your Husband blames everything that needs to be done for his Mother on you! It sucks but it is very likely that he will do that, IGNORE IT! Don't buy into what is said, it is actually another way for him to avoid the truth of the situation. Be willing to let the accusations fly, let it go because you know it's not the truth. I hope this doesn't happen but be prepared just in case. We are here for you whatever you decide to do but please know that you are not crazy and any suggestions being made here are out of sincere love for you. What you're going through is extremely difficult and we get it.
Mame, you might want to check out the book "a course in weight loss" by Maryanne Williamson, this book has helped thousands of people (myself included) to deal with the underlying causes of weight gain. It's not a book about diet or exercise but about thought patterns and lifelong habits and emotions and how they influence us on a subconscious level to gain weight. In fact I think the book is on a special sale for only a dollar at Hay House Publishing. You can also check out the thread "wellness and nutrition" that was started earlier in this year. Let me know if I can help you even if its just to have someone to talk to about what you're going through with the whole diet topic via email. This is something that I to have had a struggle with and continue to work on. Email me if you want at cricketinafryingpan at comcast dot net. Maybe we can help each other.
Hi to everyone else..Jen, Cattails, SS, ssk, Meanwhile, Diane, Linda, lildeb, Angelhair, Bobbie, and Igore...please get better! Love you all. Sorry if I missed anyone. *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
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The obvious question is, have you ever considered placing your mom in AL and having a chance to live on your own? After 23 years you deserve a chance to live your own life.
Please stay with us and vent to your hearts content. Believe me, everyone here can understand all the unimaginable sneaky things your mom gets up to and we all have a pretty good sense of humor. So let it rip.
Sending you lots of love and hugs, Cattails
Thanks for the prayers and support. I received a call yesterday from social services and was told we could place my dad any time. The facility we will be using is full right now, but they will have an opening in the next 7 to 10 days. So that's where we are at right now.
My granddaughter will be getting married on August 18th and it's a relief to know that we can just board the dogs and go without the trials and tribulations of finding respite care for dad during that time. My sister was supposed to be here to take care of him. Of course, she was supposed to be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter break, etc.etc. and never came. She had been assuring me that she would be her for Amanda's wedding and then called me last week and I could see the excuses starting to surface. It was so nice to just be able to say, "Rose, don't worry about it. We won't need you after all."
My sibs were aware that NH was an option I would be checking into. They have no objections. Of course, two of them haven't seen dad in a year and the other came for 2 days some time ago. Their calls are infrequent. No one called on Father's Day. So I keep them posted, but not constantly updated. I didn't feel like discussing each step of the NH process with them because I was needing space to process the idea internally. In the end, it is my conscience, heart and head that have to live together with this decision.
It's a beautiful day in the Pacific Northwest. I on goose alert. The goslings are about as big as the parents and soon they will fly. I so hope I get to witness their first flight. I'm sure I will be laughing and crying at the same time.
Love to all, Cattails
Cattails been praying 4 you....I have never been diagnosed with bi polar not saying i dont I do get deppressed and when I lost my mother about 5 years ago Ive tried every depp. pill known to man well last year cymbalta seem to b working good I have bad artheritis and thats why dr. wanted to try and she just upped the dose I weaned myself off im going to stick with my nerve pills I already feel better.... I also have came to a place where I am putting Me first . Im painting middle room large hallway and decorating. My husband has been trying to help me more..... I know he is busy but when he is inside home he can go answer her repeated ???'s ......Its been sooooo hot here in indiana I think 108 today or will fell like 108 .... SO just wanted to check in and you all stay cool. Love n pRayers ....
Cricket I wish there was something like that coming to indianapolis I need that.
Cat, I'm glad you got your dad approved for Medicaid. I hope you will have an easier time finding and available Medicaid bed than I am here in SC. I found out to avoid the 2 and 3 year waitlist for a Medicaid bed you nerd to be in the nursing home prior as private pay and then you get moved up to the top of the Medicaid list. I wrote a long email to my sibs tonight to saying what we need to do to get mom in to a NH by the end of the month. Lets see if the tightwads will do anything. My brother just can't help anymore physically or mentally. He keeps throwing out his back trying to get mom on her feet. I can relate since I know how much my back hurt the first two or three years of being a caregiver.
Jen, I wish you success with the play. I cant wait to say "I knew her before she was famous"
Cricket, I think it's the full moon throwing us into a tail spin this week. I hope you get a good night's rest.
Igore, take care of yourself! I'm having to remind myself of this too.
I was going to write notes to each one of you but my darn brain went blank. I guess I will just give a big shout out to everyone and hope you all have a good night!
Love ya,
Diane
Cricket, I got my Mom wireless headphones just for that tv blaring thing. Hope you slept well.
Although my daughter is a CNA, I could just see her and the WESIL pushing me in the wheelchair. The WESIL pushing my chair and sayin "Time for your bath!" I will keep a cyanide captule handy and bite down on it.
FYI ; WESIL= Wifes Ex Son In Law.
Love you guys.
Cuz. loved it! I hope you are well. xoxo
Jen, good luck in the contest! Good for you for doing that. :)
Meanwhile, I love small town parades. I miss the country, bad. I hope your nightmares go away. I've suffered bad nightmares my whole life, it really sucks.
Cattails, you definitely have my prayers! That is a really hard decision and you have my support for sure. Also, I would be happy to cc any information to you but I need your email addy. I haven't read the book you mentioned but I think the Author of that book will be at a convention my daughter Jessica and I will be attending out in CA the end of October. We signed up to go to Louise Hay's "I can do it" convention for a weekend while I'm taking a two week respite, it's all about boosting self care and I need that. Plus my oldest daughter and I will get to do it together since it's taking place near her. I can't wait!
Well I'm going to try to go back to sleep again. Thanks everyone for the love and support as always.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Cricket: I have also had difficulty falling asleep since I was a child. Don't know why my mind can't click off. My hubby can fall asleep so easily. I always envy him.
Update: My dad's Medicaid application has been approved from a financial standpoint. A social worker came to our home last Monday and did an assessment on him. He definitely qualifies for 24/7 care. Duh!! So the assessment report needs to go to the case worker that handles the financial and then we can proceed to placement. It could possibly happen next week.
I haven't shared much about this because it's so personal to me and I know everyone has their opinions. I've not said anything about this to my dad. I can't see any benefit to giving him a heads up. To be honest, I will take the chicken shit way out and tell him that he is going to respite care for a while. In time I will tell him that I am not able to take care of him full time because we are dealing with our own health issues, which is true.
If you all can, would you say a prayer for me, my husband and my dad. This is so difficult, but it is necessary.
Thank you for listening, Cattails
Now submitting my play for consideration in Play writing contests.... this is gonna get scary but I am doing it!!!!!
Sane weekend all.....
Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!
This is truly first grade logic,
Undies Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them..
Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies"..
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
Everyone try and take care of yourself. Don't know what I would do without you guys.
"Women, Food and God"? I have it and need to get reading.
Our geese are growing up. Soon they will take flight. I will be sending a piece of my heart with all of them.
Hugs to all, Cattails
My brothers are 5 and 6 years older than me and it seems I have the best health to date. Stomach bleeds aside, I had not been hospitalized since the age of five. But as dirty harry once said "A man's got to know his limitations". I about found mine on the roof last weekend. We made it home from vacation. It was a good time. And cat, you are right when you say to take care of self before saving the world. My sons are bright and do well in school.
As you all know, Andy Griffith died this week. It occured to me that he was just about the same age as my Dad would have been. I am 11 years away from the age Dad was when he died. I would like to be there a bit longer for my sons than my Dad was able to for me. We can't control all that but we can make choices that improve our chances.
At least I haven't started yelling.."You are all banned from my kingdom" YET! Have a good night.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Sending you love and hugs, Cattails
This is Igore. I screwed up and log in wrong. I had an old alias and I mixed them up. Anyways the above post is mine. I just had not used "mudrivercat" in some time. Forgive me for the screw up and just to show it is mine I will repost it now.
"Hello Everyone,
It has been too long since I checked in on the GO thread. I have been in touch with cattails some but honestly I have not been home a lot in the past month or so. First off I started a new job awhile back. The pay is better, insurance not so much but I enjoy my work a lot more. I won’t go into all that except to say I have had many long days at this new job. I am glad it is summer because there is some daylight left when I get home but not much.
As Cattails said, I was in the hospital with a stomach bleed. I dropped 5 pints o’blood in one day. End result I passed in the ER wheelchair. Next thing I know, I open my eyes and I got IVs and the doc is standing over me saying “Are you with us? Are you with us?” “I reckon I am because I ain’t floating below the ceiling looking at your bald spot.”
Anyways, I am getting better but not 100% yet. Meanwhile, I am still trying to deal with stuff on the home front. I have two stepdaughters, one is an addict and one is a welfare queen. That sounds harsh but that is what it is. Some of you may remember my intro into AC and how I was dissing on my wife. That is where I was at during that time. But here is where I am now. My wife and I are way closer to being on the same page than before I first charged into AC like a bull in the china shop. She now understands that I consider her 1st lady in my life. She may not get why I have chosen to be the ‘fixer’. Hell, even I don’t get that one myself. I think my problem early on was I was looking for things to be reciprocal. After all I did my best to love and care for two daughters whose biodad was MIA. I was not asking her to lift a finger in my Mom’s care, I just wanted to do what I felt I had to do.
Also early on, I think I was painting Mom as a dear patron saint who was totally helpless and innocent. That is just not so. My Mom is needy and manipulative when it comes to my time and attention. She wants it ALL. She would deny this but it is true. Mom wont do for herself what she CAN do. If I am home she calls my cell phone when she needs or wants ANYTHING. I feel like Lurch. “You Rang??”
I am fortunate compared to those of you who are taking care of a parent that was a predator and abuser of you when they were young. Mom was not to that extreme. She did have one hell of a temper though. The irony is I can recall her screaming at her Mother for the most miniscule of infractions. The other day I changed the sheets on her bed. With her bladder and bowel control (or lack of) the aroma can take over if one is not vigilant. Well I was making up her bed and I am finding old depends, food, mail, snot tissues, and you name it one the bed, between covers and between the bed and the wall. I started cursing so bad that it would have peeled the paint of one of my old Navy ships from my days in the Navy. I was yelling at her because I had had enough. I lost it and then I had like this flashback (I have never dropped acid) of watching my Mom rake Grandma over the coals. I felt so bad. I just ceased talking and finished what I was doing.
The thing is I see where Mom’s needs exceed my capacity to meet them. Like many of you, I have little help from the siblings. Not totally excusing my brothers but one just had a heart attack and the other is functionally illiterate (dyslexia) . My dyslexic brother has a big heart but he and his wife are not in the best of health and although there capacity is limited they do what they can. My bro with the heart problems has not been much help during these last five years and I don’t understand him exactly. I am the youngest of the kids and yet somehow I got appointed ‘patriarch’. I still have not figured that one out.
Anyways, I want to say something about hypocrisy. I noticed that you have had someone tell you about “real Christians” during the past couple of weeks. This sort of thing makes me nauseous. For years, I went to church and sat in Sunday school and listed to folks with superior, smug, attitudes damn near broke their arms to pat their own back. To me to be a ‘real’ Christian you must recognize that you are a ‘real’ mess when compared to God. I have warts, I say ‘shit’ ‘damn’ and ‘expletive delete’ when I lose it. I am not proud of that but I would rather be real and not try to hide what a loser I am than to pretend to be the ‘master of my universe’ and play the fiddle while Rome burns. So to those of you that are doing the best you can taking care of your parent whether or not they deserve it. You hang in there and say what you feel. God already knows and it is ok.
Our parents had us so it was their responsibility to wipe poo and so on. But not every reproducing human is worthy of being a parent. No one can tell you that you should take their crap (literally or figuratively) until their dying day.
That is all I have for now. I am glad to have this thread because most of you are good ‘real’ folks making the best of worst situation that a person could find themselves in.
May peace reign in your castle,
Igore"
It has been too long since I checked in on the GO thread. I have been in touch with cattails some but honestly I have not been home a lot in the past month or so. First off I started a new job awhile back. The pay is better, insurance not so much but I enjoy my work a lot more. I won’t go into all that except to say I have had many long days at this new job. I am glad it is summer because there is some daylight left when I get home but not much.
As Cattails said, I was in the hospital with a stomach bleed. I dropped 5 pints o’blood in one day. End result I passed in the ER wheelchair. Next thing I know, I open my eyes and I got IVs and the doc is standing over me saying “Are you with us? Are you with us?” “I reckon I am because I ain’t floating below the ceiling looking at your bald spot.”
Anyways, I am getting better but not 100% yet. Meanwhile, I am still trying to deal with stuff on the home front. I have two stepdaughters, one is an addict and one is a welfare queen. That sounds harsh but that is what it is. Some of you may remember my intro into AC and how I was dissing on my wife. That is where I was at during that time. But here is where I am now. My wife and I are way closer to being on the same page than before I first charged into AC like a bull in the china shop. She now understands that I consider her 1st lady in my life. She may not get why I have chosen to be the ‘fixer’. Hell, even I don’t get that one myself. I think my problem early on was I was looking for things to be reciprocal. After all I did my best to love and care for two daughters whose biodad was MIA. I was not asking her to lift a finger in my Mom’s care, I just wanted to do what I felt I had to do.
Also early on, I think I was painting Mom as a dear patron saint who was totally helpless and innocent. That is just not so. My Mom is needy and manipulative when it comes to my time and attention. She wants it ALL. She would deny this but it is true. Mom wont do for herself what she CAN do. If I am home she calls my cell phone when she needs or wants ANYTHING. I feel like Lurch. “You Rang??”
I am fortunate compared to those of you who are taking care of a parent that was a predator and abuser of you when they were young. Mom was not to that extreme. She did have one hell of a temper though. The irony is I can recall her screaming at her Mother for the most miniscule of infractions. The other day I changed the sheets on her bed. With her bladder and bowel control (or lack of) the aroma can take over if one is not vigilant. Well I was making up her bed and I am finding old depends, food, mail, snot tissues, and you name it one the bed, between covers and between the bed and the wall. I started cursing so bad that it would have peeled the paint of one of my old Navy ships from my days in the Navy. I was yelling at her because I had had enough. I lost it and then I had like this flashback (I have never dropped acid) of watching my Mom rake Grandma over the coals. I felt so bad. I just ceased talking and finished what I was doing.
The thing is I see where Mom’s needs exceed my capacity to meet them. Like many of you, I have little help from the siblings. Not totally excusing my brothers but one just had a heart attack and the other is functionally illiterate (dyslexia) . My dyslexic brother has a big heart but he and his wife are not in the best of health and although there capacity is limited they do what they can. My bro with the heart problems has not been much help during these last five years and I don’t understand him exactly. I am the youngest of the kids and yet somehow I got appointed ‘patriarch’. I still have not figured that one out.
Anyways, I want to say something about hypocrisy. I noticed that you have had someone tell you about “real Christians” during the past couple of weeks. This sort of thing makes me nauseous. For years, I went to church and sat in Sunday school and listed to folks with superior, smug, attitudes damn near broke their arms to pat their own back. To me to be a ‘real’ Christian you must recognize that you are a ‘real’ mess when compared to God. I have warts, I say ‘shit’ ‘damn’ and ‘expletive delete’ when I lose it. I am not proud of that but I would rather be real and not try to hide what a loser I am than to pretend to be the ‘master of my universe’ and play the fiddle while Rome burns. So to those of you that are doing the best you can taking care of your parent whether or not they deserve it. You hang in there and say what you feel. God already knows and it is ok.
Our parents had us so it was their responsibility to wipe poo and so on. But not every reproducing human is worthy of being a parent. No one can tell you that you should take their crap (literally or figuratively) until their dying day.
That is all I have for now. I am glad to have this thread because most of you are good ‘real’ folks making the best of worst situation that a person could find themselves in.
May peace reign in your castle,
Igore
You have taken on an enormous job caring for your MIL, especially since she has AZ. My dad doesn't have dementia and I am worn out taking care of him. And I don't have young children to take care of like you do. Plus, it's summer and the kids are out of school and you probably don't have a minute to yourself.
Tracy, you need a break. I think it would be wonderful for you to get away and leave your MIL's care to your husband. Let him deal with her. In addition to that, it would be really great to put your MIL in respite care for a week and have your home back too. You need some down time and you deserve a flipping vacation from her. Everyone does.
Maybe it's time to reevaluate what is best for you and your children. You have done your best to bring MIL home from the nursing home she use to be in and care for her. Time to give an honest look at how this is working out for you. It's not a failure to say, "I tried, but I don't want to do this anymore." You don't have to say you "can't" do this anymore. Not wanting to is a good enough reason. Your life and happiness is the priority. It's not selfish of you to say "no more".
Tracy, if you are bi-polar, then that's another thing that you have to manage. It's part of taking care of yourself. It's not your fault that you are bi-polar, but it is your responsibility to be aware of it and know how you are feeling. To have all the additional stress of caring for your MIL just adds a mountain of weight on your shoulders and emotions. You are suffering under this mountain of weight and I don't want you to suffer and feel bad about yourself. Your husband should be feeling the same way I do and he should be supporting you, giving you comfort and understanding your needs. He should be putting you first.
I don't remember if you ever mentioned why the decision was made to take MIL out of the nursing home and into your home. Was there a financial reason? Did the family was to preserve her assets for inheritance reasons?
Whatever the reason, it's not worth losing years of your life and happiness over. I think you are a very loving and kind person. You are also a great mom and wife. Your children are growing up before your eyes and in two years they will be two years older. Don't miss this time with them. Now is what we have and you can't put time on hold.
I can't say enough good things about you, Tracy. You are a shinning star and I love you. You need some space and a chance to let things cool down a bit between you and your husband. Then it would be good to have a serious talk about his mom. If it's not working, it's not working. The answer is NOT for you to try harder.
Sending you lots of love and I will be praying for you. Please stay in touch.
Cattails
Also, vent as much as you need to.. we are here.
Cricketღ
Mame, you might want to check out the book "a course in weight loss" by Maryanne Williamson, this book has helped thousands of people (myself included) to deal with the underlying causes of weight gain. It's not a book about diet or exercise but about thought patterns and lifelong habits and emotions and how they influence us on a subconscious level to gain weight. In fact I think the book is on a special sale for only a dollar at Hay House Publishing. You can also check out the thread "wellness and nutrition" that was started earlier in this year. Let me know if I can help you even if its just to have someone to talk to about what you're going through with the whole diet topic via email. This is something that I to have had a struggle with and continue to work on. Email me if you want at cricketinafryingpan at comcast dot net. Maybe we can help each other.
Hi to everyone else..Jen, Cattails, SS, ssk, Meanwhile, Diane, Linda, lildeb, Angelhair, Bobbie, and Igore...please get better! Love you all. Sorry if I missed anyone.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ