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Dtflex I am so sorry your sister is such a jerk-she will get her judgement someday-of course that does not help you now-I just can not believe some sibs thinking-but one of my brothers never think of calling my Mom and I am the one she does not like.
Thanks ladies for the nice comments. I wasn't upset but rather got the impression that I might have offended someone so I just wanted to clear it up. Diane I am north of Miami and South of Orlando...I think it's about a 4-5 hour drive south of Bobbie but I'm not exactly sure. The storm looks like it's headed right for Bobbie that's why I offered my place to her just in case. Bobbie the offer stands always.
Cattails, I try to help my Dad clean up too, but he prefers the aids to help him with his shower so he can hit on them, or in his delusional mind impress them. LOL BTW.... it's your turn. :)
Linda, My FIL Charlie was just like your Pa and I was happy to do anything I could for him. It is like night and day when caring for someone who genuinely is grateful for the care and considerate. I kept Charlie with me until he had a gallbladder infection followed by his heart attack then he wanted me to call the paramedics so I did, but even then I felt the same way about others not knowing how to care for him. I really love my Dad and try to do everything I can for him but he has a totally different attitude. He does say thank you occasionally but he mostly expects me to wait on him hand and foot and I wouldn't mind it at all except for the fact that he is very capable but wants to be lazy and feel sorry for himself. That is very hard to deal with, so many times I reply "Dad I could do that for you but it's better for you to do it for yourself" I hate having to talk to my Father that way but this experience has taught me that I have to or he would run me into the ground and not think he is doing anything wrong. My Father thinks Women are good for two things... sex and servitude. He's always been very chauvinistic where women are concerned.
Mission accomplished Cat! I need to get mom's hair cut but she is so busy dying everyday she won't let me take her anywhere. I may go at it myself if she messes around much longer. I can't even get my own hair cut. It's been two weeks since my last pacheck and I won't have another for 2 more weeks. I had to charge mom's pull-ups and soap today. I'll just do what I have to do and my sister can rot in hell.
I tried to get mom to sit on the front porch so I could mow the lawn. That lasted 10 minutes and she started dying again. I'm so fed up of these anxiety attacks she has and swears she is dying. I don't mean to be so cold, but I'm fed up today. I've had my fill of crap.
Let me see if I can direct this anger into cooking a good dinner. Maybe I will make shrimp creole or curried shrimp. Mom would probably prefer the curried shrimp.
Oh, by the way, my dad has been unable/unwilling to get in the shower since last Monday. He goes into a deep sleep after breakfast and has even skipped lunch. Dinner no problem, he eats everything. Another fun thing is that he has not had a decent BM going on 3 days now and that worries me. I get him on the toilet and he says he's done and ....(I'm so sorry, I know this is gross) but it's like he has poop coming out of his behind and the more I clean him up, the more it just keeps coming. Not diarrhea and not a hard stool. Seems like it would be pretty easy to get rid of it he just gave it the old college try, but he just doesn't seem to want to do that. So today, I gave him a pancake and two eggs for breakfast. I know the pancake with syrup is a BM motivator and sure enough about 10:30 am his little eyes opened and I rushed in to get him to the toilet. Yeah!!! we hit the mother load. HaHa. So I did my little happy dance (on the inside only) and proceeded to clean him up and then SUPRISE dad, you are going in the shower. So I got him all sparkly clean, hair washed and then onto the next ordeal of the oil and cream ritual absolutely necessary for his dry skin. I'm starting to sweat like a pig now because I have the space heater in the bathroom going full blast so he won't be cold.
Moving right along, I decided he was getting a needed hair cut too. After that, I went after the nose hairs with the little whirley gig, gave him a shave and trimmed those wild eyebrows. I felt like Wonder Whart Hog when I was done and he looked and smelled good.
Linda: You are a very special person and I envy the relationship you had with both your mom and your dad; but beyond that, there is something very loving and special about you. It's not just how you were raised, it's something in you; some sort of special gift of loving kindness.
Cricket: I could never see you saying anything to intentionally judge another person. You are always supportive to everyone and I didn't take your comment in any sort of negative way. You are another special angel who is able to keep giving to parents. I don't know how you do it, but your positive way of looking at things must play a huge role.
For me, I think actually taking some steps on the Medicaid application gives me a sense of empowerment because I am taking back some control over my life. I owe myself and my husband something more than constantly caring for my parents. At the same time, taking some action really makes me feel guilty too. Like Linda said, "You are damned if you do and damned of you don't."
I will say this, none of my sibs have any objection to me saying I don't want to do this anymore and I'm grateful for that. Notice I am not saying, I can't do this anymore. I could. I could do it till the day I dropped dead, but I don't want to. So I guess I just have to put my big girl panties on and stop looking for more validation.
Everyone's situation is truly different. Diane and Deef have home concerns and that just adds another layer of worry to the guilt. Fortunately, that's not my case. In Diane's situation, I feel that placing her mom is necessary to her mental and physical health above all else. Diane deserves a healthy and happy life and I'm sure her mom would want that for her.
All of us have walked the care giver path for many years. None of us just upped and walked away when our parents needed us. How long we can do it or want to do it is a personal decision we have a right to make for ourselves.
I think the subject just strikes a cord with each of us because it is not an easy decision.
austin - thank you for ur commets . you re right about my pa , always thankin me for everything i do for him , makes me feel apprecative , he has told me that i can put him in the nursing home cuz he was too much of a burden on me and that he would understand it . i told him if i did that i be spendin more time at the nursing home so nana he is to stay right here with me , and he did .... sometimes i read other people s post and im thinkin gawd if that was my mom or if that was my dad u bet they be in a nursing home ! so it is depending on the love and the kindness toward eachother , pa and i were two peas in a pod . i love my dad and i refuse to let anybody take care of him , they dont know him like i do , i know if pa is comfty or not etc . i know what he wants and others cant understand what he s saying but i do , no way i let someone take care of him . when i was gone for few days in jan to my niece s funeral , pa keeps askin for me , when is linda comin back? , he was missing me terrible and i couldnt wait to get back home to him . i love my dad .... he raised me well . mom raise me to respect the elders and i sure did . for who feels they need to place thier elders , dont feel bad about it , moto is damn if u do damn if u dont . have a happy sunday , xoxoxo
The bro did something nice last night so I guess it was time for the sis to rear her ugly head. She has decided to withhold her whopping $300 monthly conribution to mom's care and not order diapers for her. She can go f**k herself. I just ordered everything on Amazon. I shouldn't be surprised each time she gets nastier, but I just cant believe how of base she is. I hope I live long enough to watch karma bite her in the ass.
I guess that's my drama for the day. Bobbie, take care with Beryl. Even when they are "minor" storms they can kick up some nasty weather. Cricket are you far enough south to escape the effects of Beryl?
NH or home care, it is an individual decision based on your abilities, finances and support system. It's not for anyone on the outside to judge.
Cricket I am sure everyone understands what you are say-you are a good person and no way would anyone think you are critizing them for either placement or home care. There are so many variables like for example Linda -her Pa really loved her and tried to not be too much for her to care for even though she had a hard row to hoe there were times he would let her know how much he appreciated her and she had family around as for me I did not want to go with medicaide but the aides I used were not working out they would not come the hours that were hardest for me which was the evening-if I had had 3-4 hours arout 7-10 pm where I could have gotten some rest or my church family could have understood what I was going through I could have made it work-but I was alone whith a mean abusive man who told others I did not do much for him-and medicaide would have left me with getting a job at my age and very poor-it was God's providence to have him get critical the last day of insurance coverage and have him on life support for the last 3 days of his life-it has been 3 yrs and more years to come to clean up the mess he left me in and the knowledge he would not recoganize only me the two days he was somewhat alert showing me he really did hate me as he often said and he said often he wanted to kill me and had tried many times until he became too weak to kill a puppet. I know how hard it is too make that decision as you do so do not worry-those who know you know where your heart is in reguard tp placement.
I wish to clarify for those of you who might have misunderstood my compliments to Christina for having the courage to put her Mom in a NH and my reference to many who don't. I was in no way talking about you Deef or anyone else specifically. I was just stating an observation, not a judgement. Because I praised Christina for what she did doesn't mean that I think the rest of you are losers for not putting your loved one in a NH. Everyone's circumstances are unique to them, I just happen to know that Christina made the best decision for her situation and I see that their are those who don't do it for their own reasons, whether they are honorable or not that is none of my business and I don't judge them, I just hate to see them suffer. It's all part of each one of us growing and learning in our experience of life and we are all in different places on this path. I sincerely respect where everyone is at the present moment in their life and it is my desire to be supportive and loving to everyone here. So I hope you are able to see more clearly what I think, and know that I was in no way implying judgement on anyone. I guess my mistake was to not focus on how others might misunderstand what I was saying. I will try to be more considerate in this way so no ones feelings are hurt or so that they don't take something I say the wrong way. Lord knows the last thing I ever want to do is to say something that makes another person feel guilt.
So can we all just get along? And if we disagree on something can we just agree to disagree?
Bobbie, If you need to you can always come down to my Crazyville and stay with me, okay?
Cattails you guessed right! It was Beauty and the Beast. As to the word being "bad or burned" It sounded to me like "bad" but you might be right, burned would make sense, either way, it's your turn :)
Just got finished storm prepping the boat. We are going to take a hit from ol Beryl. I moved the boat yesterday to a floating dock in case of high water and she has so many dock lines it looks like boat crow shayed to dock haha.
All you guys make decisions for you and no one else. If taking care of mom or dad is killing you then.....? Screw anyone else's clueless opinion including mine. No one can answer to what you are dealing with personally and make that call but you. Of course the main issue is the frog in the frying pan syndrome where you think that people doing this to you is ok. It's not ok.
Cricket! great idea on the movie game love it!
love you guys way more than you'll ever know. lovbob
Ok y'all, I should be in my bed getting much needed sleep. But here I sit playing on my computer just enjoying some me time. Sounds like a guilty pleasure doesn't it :)
Dtflex, I feel ya at the age for you are one yr older than I and I felt like I was in my 100's last week. Don't really know how 100 feels but I'm sure i felt it. It probable felt great too. It is amazing how people take the little bitty things for granted. Hey, at least you can say that, "you're spic-n-clean." ; )
I'm clean!!!! My brother must have felt guilty when I didn't respond to his text. He came over and sat with mom so I could go shower. Kudos to him. Mom has been very needy and having her dying spells frequently the last few days. It may be the stress of thinking of going to a NH.
Yes Angel, I'm 49 going on 80. It's pitiful that it hurts to pick-up the laptop because all my joints are worn out from lifting mom over and over again. Pathetic I tell you!
Amen Cattails! What you said is so true. I've been spending the last year of my life dividing my focus on caring for my Father and my own struggle to not lose myself in the process. Been there and done that to many years. I feel blessed that I have been able to keep caring for my father myself here at home instead of going the NH route but when the day comes where I can't maintain both of us I will find a NH for him and try to do the best I can for him in that situation as well.
Diane, it's good that you're venting. How about a good rinse off in the shower once your Mom's asleep for 5 minutes? If not there is the good old reliable sponge bath, that is if by then you can still get up, lol. Look at it this way, at least you got your house nice and clean. That should feel good.
Diane: I just want to say I am proud of you for doing the NH thing and getting a day off tomorrow. Your dirty and stinky right now and you can't take a bath. This will change and you will get a chance to see how much of you was lost over the past years. We just slip into this place, mentally and emotionally, where we lose our perspective. We are no longer who we are, we are just an extension of our parent's need. We go further and further into this other reality and it's hard to find our way back. Sometime soon, I hope, you can take a shower or bath whenever you want. I hope you have a great day tomorrow and that it serves as a reminder that there is life, a good life, ahead for you. Hugs, Cattails.
Here I sit dirty and stinky from cleaning the house and can't even get to a have a bath. It's things like this that drive me bonkers about being a caregiver. Just had to have a mini vent. Thanks
Diane: I am so happy you and B/F are going to have Monday away and to yourselves. How long has it been since you last had a fun day off? That's wonderful.
By the way, my house is not as clean as it use to be. Something about feeling trapped can just take the wind out of your sails some days. I think it happens to lots of care givers. Tell you sis (under your breath) what she can do with the mop when your done with it. Have a fantastic day tomorrow.
Hi Gang, I had a nice long post typed up and I got interrupted and forgot to send it and it disappeared. My brother bought mom a used hoveround today. I'm not sure mom is going to get used to it, but its his money, not mine. We thought it might help her feel more independent when she gets to the NH. I know it sounds like I'm taking awhile to get her in there, but there are a lot of financial and leagal things we need to take care of first. My first step is to see if I can buy her home. Well I vacuumed and mopped the floors, all the while cursing my sister. After I came out the hospital that was one of her complaints, the house was dirty. To say I was pissed by the comment was an understatement.
B/f went out today just to get some time to himself. After a rough night with mom ringing her bell over and over again, he was tired and cranky. That's one of the reason's we are taking our little trip on Monday. We both need some down time away from mom.
Well, let me go clean the bathroom now. Once that is done I shall have a shower and chill out, or as much as mom will let me. Deef, take care of that cold. I know how asthma can turn that cold into a frightening ordeal. And yes, call sis to take mom to the ER.
THANK You cattails You are right I have been in this family long enough I should of known .... I am taking charge to after your advice over me missing my daughters ball game I have hired a girl ive known for years and was recommended by my moms best friend who has used her for her husband that is obease and has alot of mobility problems so she cant just leave him. I have her coming to meet MIL on Monday. Also called & made dr. appt. for MIL & was told her daughter canceled her last one at end of April. I couldnt believe it when nurse said that. I told hubby he taking us & No one even needs to know when she gets the bill she can ask questions then & I will tell her well you cancelled them so I made them, and I will see what she says about getting a second opion & I want to see about the depakote I read so many of the caregivers dealing with AD give & she is on aricept. Which dr. already said if I feel time to change it or discontiue just let her know thats always a hard one you dont know if there going to fly down hill without it but her dr. said sometimes its not doing any good anyway once diesease progresses. Yes My husband has been telling me that since the moms day incedent where sil called wanting her mom picked up now. He said I just have to let it go. He lets em all have it he likes to say I spit the truth he said thats why they go through me. I know I can't rely on them. They are nothing like my family. My dad is still living & pretty heathy he went to kentucky to spend time with his sisters for holiday weekend & I told him he needs to come here & see me he said well I didnt want to be in the way with your in laws family so I admitted to him how it really was. WELL He must of told my sisters & neices & nephews and aunts and cousins LORD they have all called wanting to know if IM okay and if I need anything I'm sure they will be coming by to check I have a great family My mom was sick for 3 years I was her main caregiver but these are same people that brought food and care and hours of sitting with my mom when ever I needed to be a mom or wife. There great. I am so glad I have all of you though . Cattails your KIND words is just what I needed this morning thank you so much! You and your father are in my thoughts and prayers poor guy. Cricket I dont even remb. if I seen a movie. let alone remb. lines... but have fun and Ill keep watching. deef hope you get some help so you feel better.....
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Cattails, I try to help my Dad clean up too, but he prefers the aids to help him with his shower so he can hit on them, or in his delusional mind impress them. LOL
BTW.... it's your turn. :)
Linda, My FIL Charlie was just like your Pa and I was happy to do anything I could for him. It is like night and day when caring for someone who genuinely is grateful for the care and considerate. I kept Charlie with me until he had a gallbladder infection followed by his heart attack then he wanted me to call the paramedics so I did, but even then I felt the same way about others not knowing how to care for him. I really love my Dad and try to do everything I can for him but he has a totally different attitude. He does say thank you occasionally but he mostly expects me to wait on him hand and foot and I wouldn't mind it at all except for the fact that he is very capable but wants to be lazy and feel sorry for himself. That is very hard to deal with, so many times I reply "Dad I could do that for you but it's better for you to do it for yourself" I hate having to talk to my Father that way but this experience has taught me that I have to or he would run me into the ground and not think he is doing anything wrong. My Father thinks Women are good for two things... sex and servitude. He's always been very chauvinistic where women are concerned.
I tried to get mom to sit on the front porch so I could mow the lawn. That lasted 10 minutes and she started dying again. I'm so fed up of these anxiety attacks she has and swears she is dying. I don't mean to be so cold, but I'm fed up today. I've had my fill of crap.
Let me see if I can direct this anger into cooking a good dinner. Maybe I will make shrimp creole or curried shrimp. Mom would probably prefer the curried shrimp.
Have a good afternoon,
Diane
So today, I gave him a pancake and two eggs for breakfast. I know the pancake with syrup is a BM motivator and sure enough about 10:30 am his little eyes opened and I rushed in to get him to the toilet. Yeah!!! we hit the mother load. HaHa. So I did my little happy dance (on the inside only) and proceeded to clean him up and then SUPRISE dad, you are going in the shower. So I got him all sparkly clean, hair washed and then onto the next ordeal of the oil and cream ritual absolutely necessary for his dry skin. I'm starting to sweat like a pig now because I have the space heater in the bathroom going full blast so he won't be cold.
Moving right along, I decided he was getting a needed hair cut too. After that, I went after the nose hairs with the little whirley gig, gave him a shave and trimmed those wild eyebrows. I felt like Wonder Whart Hog when I was done and he looked and smelled good.
Cricket: I could never see you saying anything to intentionally judge another person. You are always supportive to everyone and I didn't take your comment in any sort of negative way. You are another special angel who is able to keep giving to parents. I don't know how you do it, but your positive way of looking at things must play a huge role.
For me, I think actually taking some steps on the Medicaid application gives me a sense of empowerment because I am taking back some control over my life. I owe myself and my husband something more than constantly caring for my parents. At the same time, taking some action really makes me feel guilty too. Like Linda said, "You are damned if you do and damned of you don't."
I will say this, none of my sibs have any objection to me saying I don't want to do this anymore and I'm grateful for that. Notice I am not saying, I can't do this anymore. I could. I could do it till the day I dropped dead, but I don't want to. So I guess I just have to put my big girl panties on and stop looking for more validation.
Everyone's situation is truly different. Diane and Deef have home concerns and that just adds another layer of worry to the guilt. Fortunately, that's not my case. In Diane's situation, I feel that placing her mom is necessary to her mental and physical health above all else. Diane deserves a healthy and happy life and I'm sure her mom would want that for her.
All of us have walked the care giver path for many years. None of us just upped and walked away when our parents needed us. How long we can do it or want to do it is a personal decision we have a right to make for ourselves.
I think the subject just strikes a cord with each of us because it is not an easy decision.
Cattails.
sometimes i read other people s post and im thinkin gawd if that was my mom or if that was my dad u bet they be in a nursing home ! so it is depending on the love and the kindness toward eachother ,
pa and i were two peas in a pod . i love my dad and i refuse to let anybody take care of him , they dont know him like i do , i know if pa is comfty or not etc . i know what he wants and others cant understand what he s saying but i do , no way i let someone take care of him .
when i was gone for few days in jan to my niece s funeral , pa keeps askin for me , when is linda comin back? , he was missing me terrible and i couldnt wait to get back home to him . i love my dad .... he raised me well . mom raise me to respect the elders and i sure did .
for who feels they need to place thier elders , dont feel bad about it , moto is damn if u do damn if u dont .
have a happy sunday , xoxoxo
I guess that's my drama for the day. Bobbie, take care with Beryl. Even when they are "minor" storms they can kick up some nasty weather. Cricket are you far enough south to escape the effects of Beryl?
NH or home care, it is an individual decision based on your abilities, finances and support system. It's not for anyone on the outside to judge.
Have a good afternoon all!
Love ya,
Diane
I wish to clarify for those of you who might have misunderstood my compliments to Christina for having the courage to put her Mom in a NH and my reference to many who don't. I was in no way talking about you Deef or anyone else specifically. I was just stating an observation, not a judgement. Because I praised Christina for what she did doesn't mean that I think the rest of you are losers for not putting your loved one in a NH. Everyone's circumstances are unique to them, I just happen to know that Christina made the best decision for her situation and I see that their are those who don't do it for their own reasons, whether they are honorable or not that is none of my business and I don't judge them, I just hate to see them suffer. It's all part of each one of us growing and learning in our experience of life and we are all in different places on this path. I sincerely respect where everyone is at the present moment in their life and it is my desire to be supportive and loving to everyone here. So I hope you are able to see more clearly what I think, and know that I was in no way implying judgement on anyone. I guess my mistake was to not focus on how others might misunderstand what I was saying. I will try to be more considerate in this way so no ones feelings are hurt or so that they don't take something I say the wrong way. Lord knows the last thing I ever want to do is to say something that makes another person feel guilt.
So can we all just get along? And if we disagree on something can we just agree to disagree?
Bobbie, If you need to you can always come down to my Crazyville and stay with me, okay?
Cattails you guessed right! It was Beauty and the Beast. As to the word being "bad or burned" It sounded to me like "bad" but you might be right, burned would make sense, either way, it's your turn :)
Love you all!
☻/ღ˚ •。* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 。* °♥ ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ 。
/▌*˛˚ღ •˚ ˚sprinkle of Love . ~♥~˚ ✰* ★
/ \ ˚. ★ *˛ ˚♥* ✰。˚ ˚ღ。* ˛˚ ♥ 。✰˚* ˚ ★ღ
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Just got finished storm prepping the boat. We are going to take a hit from ol Beryl. I moved the boat yesterday to a floating dock in case of high water and she has so many dock lines it looks like boat crow shayed to dock haha.
All you guys make decisions for you and no one else. If taking care of mom or dad is killing you then.....? Screw anyone else's clueless opinion including mine. No one can answer to what you are dealing with personally and make that call but you.
Of course the main issue is the frog in the frying pan syndrome where you think that people doing this to you is ok. It's not ok.
Cricket! great idea on the movie game love it!
love you guys way more than you'll ever know.
lovbob
Diane, it sounds like a well deserved break to me. I'm glad you got it.
Deef, I hope you and your Mom are feeling better soon.
Nighty night all,
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¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Yes Angel, I'm 49 going on 80. It's pitiful that it hurts to pick-up the laptop because all my joints are worn out from lifting mom over and over again. Pathetic I tell you!
Have a good night!
Diane, it's good that you're venting. How about a good rinse off in the shower once your Mom's asleep for 5 minutes? If not there is the good old reliable sponge bath, that is if by then you can still get up, lol. Look at it this way, at least you got your house nice and clean. That should feel good.
By the way, my house is not as clean as it use to be. Something about feeling trapped can just take the wind out of your sails some days. I think it happens to lots of care givers. Tell you sis (under your breath) what she can do with the mop when your done with it. Have a fantastic day tomorrow.
Well I vacuumed and mopped the floors, all the while cursing my sister. After I came out the hospital that was one of her complaints, the house was dirty. To say I was pissed by the comment was an understatement.
B/f went out today just to get some time to himself. After a rough night with mom ringing her bell over and over again, he was tired and cranky. That's one of the reason's we are taking our little trip on Monday. We both need some down time away from mom.
Well, let me go clean the bathroom now. Once that is done I shall have a shower and chill out, or as much as mom will let me. Deef, take care of that cold. I know how asthma can turn that cold into a frightening ordeal. And yes, call sis to take mom to the ER.
Have a good afternoon dear friends!
Love ya,
Diane
Cattails your KIND words is just what I needed this morning thank you so much! You and your father are in my thoughts and prayers poor guy.
Cricket I dont even remb. if I seen a movie. let alone remb. lines...
but have fun and Ill keep watching.
deef hope you get some help so you feel better.....