Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
WAy to tell them Bobbi.. I LOVE THE fed ex idea. I will keep that in mind... Deefer I can answer that one like someone else said this person is not a true caregiver sounds like my SIL she calls once a week and says things like well you know what ever is best for mother( YOU NOT CALLING HER CAREGIVER) would be all I can think of at the point she says that... This is the SIL that helps me by paying medical bills & insurance then giving me money during the month. She is her moms other caregiver she tells people. UGH! My MIL knows & says she is torture to deal with always hurrying her & has no patience. LOrd help us all..Have a great day !!!!!
Bobbie!!!!!! So sorry your boat angel has to go through this, but glad for you he is in a facility. I'll be thinking of you both! As for miss remember.... Do you have to feed your parent every meal? Does it take forever to get them to open their mouth so you can put the food in? Do they pee or poop on you whenever you pull their pants down to toilet them? Do they spend the entire time they are on the toilet trying to pull their pants up? Can they still dress themselves, or do they no longer know what a shirt sleeve is? Do you have to wipe their nose and handle their false teeth because they don't know what they are for? Do they try to wipe the table with their bread and butter? Do you have to put away everything within their reach or they destroy it? Until you have had to deal with all of the above and , oh yes, let's not forget the having to wipe and wash Mom's crouch numerous times a day, and the fighting to get the meds into her mouth 4 times a day, you really have no idea how STUPID your "remember" comment is to every caregiver out there!!!! I hope you get to care for someone long enough to deal with all of the above. Then you can REMEMBER!!!! Sorry everyone. I'm usually very diplomatic, but I just had to!
Bobbie good to hear from you some of us are kick assed-did you notice-we did have another Amber Jane but wu handled it pretty-I was a little hot under the collar and let loose or should I be PC and say I vented good for you returning the handshake-the husband almost ruined a surgeon's carrer doing the hard handgrab-he thought it was so funny-the husband. We miss you and I am so glad the boat angal in in the hospitalI love the Fed EX thought of the day-I bet we could come up with something once a week if we tried. AC is not posting the commets on my inbox-I hope they get that straightened out you take dear dear lady.
Ya, OBMAJ to the garden person. Well Stated Jen! AND you landed on boat time! Good one Judy and Austin and tbailey. you guys have got it down.
Diane! I am so happy to see that you are going to be moving forward on this so you get to have your life. Very big deal and I know that I am so proud of you and that everyone here is rooting for you big time.
Hey garden person and to the other comment a little earlier than that, whatever your name is, here's one for you two: Except for a 10 week respite when I was flying coast to coast to handle my mother's crazy business (in other words, no real break for me) I took my mom all the way to her grave and I would NEVER do it again. It almost killed me and as everyone here on this thread is well aware, I am still not right. It's called PTSD just like what combat vets get. I am an advocate for elder placement to save the caregiver's life. Period. I know that it's a personal choice but someone has to speak up for those who choose not to sacrifice themselves on the altar of crap.
I swear that if some old person fell down in front of me and there was someone else there to deal with it I could step over them and make a beeline for the front door and never look back. Harsh? you betcha. But that's what 'over it' looks like.
A lot of times when someone wants to take issue with what we do here on the Grossed thread with Vent and Live they are not the 'real deal' of a caregiver. Their elder is in assisted living and maybe not even in 'memory care' yet because these judgmental individuals are totally clueless about what is in store. I don't know what the backstories on these folks are because I can't drum up a give a damn to go look at their profiles.
I have even been lectured from someone whose parent can still dress themselves and make their own sandwiches! wtf!?! Seriously?
You all are wonderful women, smart women and loving and compassionate women. I care for each and every one of you more than you could possibly imagine and I want for each and every one of you way more than you could possibly know.
Jen, I am so proud of you for still hanging in there and maybe you'll win the lottery on the same day the old perv will stroke out on you and after you fumigate the house you'll be able to draw a real breath. ugh.
This what I am passionate about. Trying to figure out a way for old people not to rob their children of their health and kill their children in the prime of their lives.
After awhile you just have to stop blaming the disease and understand, to paraphrase Austin, that this is a job for professionals and absolutely impossible for one person to do.
Boat Angel update: Still in the hospital on dialysis and the cancer is still everywhere but he is hanging in there. I am so grateful that he is in a professional environment and that I am not taking care of him because we would both probably be dead by now.
OK, Now for something stupid:
I was introduced to a Neanderthal type on Sunday (I am in a boat yard in a part of the country known for rednecks, bible thumpers and other non progressives) and when I extended my hand he squeezed so hard it is still sore and still carries a bruise. All the while he is grinning like an a$$hole. Without even thinking I yanked my hand away, and kneed him in the nuts. Yup, that's what 'over it' looks like..... and I love men! Just not stupid ones.
Idea of the Day: for those of you with idiot siblings, get a plastic bag and Fed Ex a days worth of diapers and sh!tty sheets to them. just for laughs put mom's teeth in the middle... If you pay a little extra you can have it delivered at dinnertime. Bon Appetitty!
195AUSTIN I HEAR YOU Some people have no clue... That is why I love this site too many of you to name but, the ones on here understand. That help me through my day when MIL has no clue & family could care less....
Garden you have no idea what some of us here went through in our childhood-and how nice or not our parents were and what hell we went through so before getting up on your soapbox at least read some comments we offer before judging us maybe you did live in a fairyland and did not get the crapt beat out of you for some little childhood infraction and maybe you did not have to eat your supper out in the rain when you were 4 yrs old because you were bad good for you-this is not a let me tell you about my perfect life in the castle form it is for us normal people just trying to get through a day from hell and keeping sane with a job that is too much for 4 people and being done by one.
I do get tired of those who want to idealize older people, lumping them all into this group of saints. Or maybe putting themselves, as adult children caring for an elder into the sainthood category. It's Ozzie and Harriett all over again. I don't live in fantasy land and I'm no saint. I just do the best I can.
Tbailey, you are free to vent whenever and however you want to on this site. You can't talk about a nasty situation without sharing the nasty.
Judy & Jen: Rock on!!
Diane: Your brain will get back in the game. I can't imagine your mom taking 1 1/2 hours to eat her dinner. I pray you get a decent night's sleep.
Went back to work today and felt rather overwhelmed trying to catch up on 2 weeks work. My brain isn't cooperating either and focusing is a bit more difficult than usual. I'm tired too. Mom took an hour and a half to eat so I'm trying to get her to sit up now before she goes to bed. If not, I will be up all night with her and acid reflux. If I had my way I would have been in bed at 9pm and snoring by now.
Tomorrow I check out another NH. I don't htink this is going to be the right one for mom, but I need to eliminate it from the list and know I've checked all options.
Have a good night dear ones and I'll check in tomorrow. Remember this thread was created for us all to vent. Bobbie's comment is "Vent and live".
Couple of fly byes again. Yes people we know..compassion, fine yes what ever. YOU live here and back out of the room so your grandfather won't look at your ass! And some of these people's parents didn't do crap for them when they were children and are far better people looking after them now than their supposedly "loving parents" ever were. I get the point but it irritates me every time I see it...
You do not have a clue, so stop the God Damn preaching about doing for others as they once did for you. We don't have to glory in "poop Soup" to be good care givers our thoughts and vents our our own. Thanks for the reminder to feel guilty if were tired, and pissed...Yes, these will be lovely memories for me......He can't DIE soon enough. And I speak only for ME!
I'm brand spanking new here, tbailey! I just got irritated. Not at you! I just got defensive. People should feel absolutely free to vent, right? Even if its nasty. Isnt' that the whole point of venting? Just to let it all rip? I felt we were being judged and preached at and I got .... well, I got mad! I tend to be impulsive. Not one of my better traits. Maybe I should've taken a deep breath and moved on and not made a fuss. I was reacting to a post where we were reminded to "remember" and to have compassion. It wasn't anything you said. xx. The next time, I'll just post "BMAJ". That seemed to fit!
Thanks Judy I just vented and needed to been awhile then I read 14822 hope you didn't mean me. There are sooo many great people on here & wonderful people ussually the only or few that care for a parent while other siblings have no clue . Ive been on other sites & this site are REAL PEOPLE THAT love people they talk to on here..I am a newbie but I think your post is meant for all of our selfish sibling and I dont mean you selfishsiblings ha ha I mean the ones that could care less what the caregiver or parent is going through because there busy with there own lives...hope i didnt take your post wrong. lildeb you seem like a easy going person which are my kind, cant take the drama...
Cattail, even the Anging Agency lady said that I was a people person that likes to help others. I have always enjoyed trying to help others as long as they are willing to help themselves. However, this situation is a bit different yet, I kind of understand why and sometimes I try to just go with the flow.
Kh2oman, I have to admit even though I was my own mom's guardianship and she was an alcoholic, smoker and type 2 diabetes and depression yet, I still love and miss her very much sometimes. I lost her when she was 56 yr old due to heart attack.
Okay here goes the oldies here and you know who y'all are on here. Did y'all see where one of the BeeGee's passed away? I use to have a poster of them on my wall when I was a teenager. ; ) Sad to hear the news.
Diane, I hope everything turns out for the best for you and your mom. I hope you can be able to ease your mind for it has to only get better for you. You know yourself that, a 'true care-giver' is a person that is very strong physically and mentally, a multi-tasker, loving, and undertstanding. You are right in that "true care-giver,' category and it just has to get better for the both of you. Just give it a little time and try to breathe.
14822garden.. these people on this website are the most caring, compassionate, knowledgable people that I've ever come across. They don't need to be reminded to have compassion, and they remember very well who they're taking care of. I don't know what your situation is, but some of the caregivers here have the biggest, most giant hearts and have gone through hell and are still able to give others a pat on the back and encouragement. I apologize if I misunderstood your comment, and I don't mean to lash out, but I think you're even more new here than I am, so please read about people's situations before you get preachy. Again, I hope I didn't misunderstand. I beg your pardon if I did. I find myself feeling very protective over my invisible buddies and the amazing support system here.
Remember at one time we did the same things and our mother did not respond as you did, please have compassion this is our mother perhaps she won't be with our for very long we must have love and patient with them, they've done the same for us. this is the time to do our very best for them, these people give us our lives and make us who we are today. Remember!
The above post just my vent ... Cattails your grandaughter sounds like such a sweet great girl how lucky you both are to have each other I was a grandma's girl ...keep us posted on wedding. Diane one day at a time but you even sound better.... keeping you in my thoughts and prayers girl you can do it....
WOW Cattails thanks for thinking of me I have had a kinda mentally stressful week I never even had to vent from MOMS DAY. The sil I told you was the one sibling on POA with hubby & suppose to be our main helper. Since the 6 months mil has been home she hasnt helped much at all except keeping med. ins, & med. bills paid & giving us money from her mom acct. for rx, personal needs or whatever she needs or wants. well MOthers day we left town to my son's girlfriends house to meet her parents asked way ahead if sil cared if we dropped mil off on sun and then pick her up on our way home. Well My car broke down Sat. MIL cant get in hubbys truck so hubb called sister to come get mom in her car. AS soon as she came in it was attitude come on Im having a cookout her sons & husbands bdays. Just grabbing bag and being crappy. I just ignored but then when mil saw potty chair she asked to use it she was told no she was in a hurry... Well We just got her in car and left . This was one oclock by six she was txting asking how & when we were picking her up my hubby told her our daughter (which had joined us) was, he just told her we were still there wouldnt probaly be too long. Well we were leaving we are 2 hours from home 1 1/2 hrs. from sil so my husband and I start home we had to stop store, gas and daughter txt me said she was stopping getting her friend from work & then getting mil & would meet us there. Next thing I know she is txting my phone & husbands saying we shouldnt lie to her how long we are going to be and we are being just cruel to mother because she is tired & she cant lay her down no where She informs me her husband is in his room her 24 year old son in his room and 2 grandsons under age 4 in guest room wow ( You would of thought the little ones could have gave up a king bed for granny))) but anyway my husband goes off on her & when she would say anything he would say well what about us we take care of mom 24/7 & we wont be asking you anymore to help. Thursday she calls and says she is done helping (really didnt) and she is sorry but she thought she could but she is trying to work & help w grandkids...AND that she is done with hubby (her brother) because she dont understand why he was so angry with her. Then shows up yesterday and wants to know who Im hiring to help out & wants to tell me how if her life ever slows down she will try to get over here and help more I just kept going outside & was glad when she left which was only 30 minutes later..WOOOOO I NEEDED that vent thanks Let me know what you think or how much your in law or siblings get on your nerves .... HA HA
Hi everyone, I've been reading through the posts, but can't remember who said what by the end of it! So I'll just wish everyone good luck with their struggles. I just got back from the dentist, and will need more work done. I don't have dental insurance any more , am just going to charge it on a credit card for now. I need my teeth! My mom is still going, she is fairly easy to care for now, just eats, sleeps, sits in a recliner or a wheelchair. I sneak out for half hour trips to the store or take a walk, but that's about it. I tried having renters to help with finances, but it really was a pain in the butt. My sons are coming for a visit in two weeks, so I'm looking forward to that. :)
I think someone should make a sitcom of an assisted living facility, and yes you do have to laugh.. if an infant was doing these things we would not think twice about it and that is what is happening to our loved ones, they are regressing to infant stage.. God Bless all of you and it is wonderful that you are with them to be grossed out.. I lost my mom in 2008 she did some crazy stuff thru no fault of her own and I can tell you honestly that I miss her every day... It seems I remember the touching fun moments we had while I was her care giver... I know it is hard, it is like having a baby you truly forget the pain...
Deef: I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. You are such an excellent daughter and also an amazing woman. I'm so glad you have Merry in your life. She sounds like a great friend and trusted caregiver. That is such a blessing.
I know we all hope that our parent(s) can die under our roofs. What a God send that would be. No placement decisions and to be able to say that we saw them through to the end.
It makes me so sad to think of placing my dad. I don't have a Merry in my life, but I'm so glad you do. Deef, I wish you every happiness and hope you can keep your mom til the end and always have Merry there to help you. It's just not possible to do it on your own.
Austin: You are such a kind and loving person. I'm so sorry if you are feeling heart sick or sad due to the break up. Bless your soul, Austin. You deserve the love of a GOOD man. I hope it helps you to know that you are loved her by so very many people. Things will get better; often when you least expect it.
Lildeb: Jo Moma-in-law is so damn lucky to have you. I think you are one of the dearest people I have met on this AC site. You are so down to earth and kind, even to those who have never been kind to you. I am putting your on my "You Rock" column.
Diane: You are so amazing. You are finding your way through the pain and the fear. You are doing the bravest thing....looking reality in the eyes and dealing with it. God Bless you. You keep moving forward.
Jen: You have the most beautiful voice. You are like an amazing singer, but it's words instead of song. Nevertheless, you have the music of humanity in your voice. You could speak for so many.
Cuz: Can you give us an update on Bobby and the boat angel? Something connecting and real? I love her and I am such a newbee. Everyone wants to know how she is doing.
Cricket: Chirp, Chirp, stick it. We need a little of the evil Cricket.
Eskape: (sp) How are you doing?
Tbailey: Where are you my sweet friend. Come back and vent and let us know you how you are doing.
Angelhair: I'm thinking about you and I can hear you singing at your FIL services. Take good care of yourself and I know you will be there to ease the reality of your FIL's passing for your husband, MIL and GGMIL. You are very special and doing so much for so many at such a young age.
I stay up too late. I just feel that I come alive after dad is tucked in. I have to get to bed earlier so I'm calling it a night.
Cattail, glad you had a nice time visiting with the grandson-n-law. Amanda sounds like a pretty smart young lady with a 4.0GPA in accounting. That will be pay-off later too. She will know when she has taking more classes than she can handle for she has a couple of weeks that she can drop one or two without penalities. I know for me just taking 12credit hours was a lot for my old butt. Much less trying to work too. Yet, I do remember a little in my younger life that I could stay up until 4am partying. Now, I be lucky if I can stay up past 10 - 11pm. it is way past my zzzzzzzzzzzzzz everyone have a good night.
Sometimes all you can do is just laugh it off. Today, I got the opportunity to find a pieace of toliet paper stuck on the outside of the tub! How it got their and why who will ever know. I guess it better than poop. Maybe Casper did it again.
We did get the mnl interested in making beaded necklaces and when she would get frustrated, I would tell her to stop and take a break for it suppose to be fun. She would try some more and I would let her know that she can always come back to them and that their is no right or wrong way to make the necklace. I think she also like the idea that no-one else would have one just like hers. She made one that was about 2ft long and hung them on her door. Of course, beads would be all under the kitchen table yet, it at least gave me an hour or so breathing break, yes! Thanks to hubby's idea. We are running to the Dollar store to get more beads and maybe a few unique ones for her to choose from Hobby Lobby. Taking advantage of this break and running the whole mile.
Diane, I am really sorry you having to deal with the relatives being selfish and not understanding on your part. I cannot believe that they don't realize all that you have done these years for y'alls mom. I am glad that your brother stayed to give you a break a bit. I know this is going to be a very long shot... but, maybe somewhere in your brother's heart when or if they sell the home, will they consider to help compensate some money for you to help so that you can get on your feet? I know it is a long shot but at least a shot. Try to not take any negativity that may come from any of them as well. I know it is easier said than done for we are not in living n dealing in your shoes.
Aww, Austin, I'm so sorry your gentleman friend broke up with you. I know he has been a bright spot in your life. You might have to call him your "training wheels" to the dating world and get back out there. Thanks for all your encourangement. Love ya
Diane good for you have the social worker in the NH you choose help you with the medicaide application she probably can go in as medicaide pending that is what was going to be done for my husband but he had to be put in the hospital the day our medicare supplement insurance ran out so we did not have to proceed with medicaide he died 3 days later after being on life support until there was no chance of recovery. I am so happy that you have made the decision-I know it was not easy but when you get to the point that you can no longer continue you know it-I kept waiting for someone to tell me it was time but my counsulor said I had to rescue myself no one would do it for me-and you did what you had to do for yourself as I did good for you-I am so glad I checked the computer again before bed-my granddaughter graduated from college today-I was not able to attend and feel bad about but will go when she graduates from Grad school for sure-I am a little wheepy tonight plus my gentleman friend broke up with me.
Diane, it sounds like you are ready to do this. I know if it weren't for Mom's LTC, I would not be able to pay Merry to be here 4 days a week. It has been my savior for the last 3 years. It will be running out at the end of this year, but her IRA is still available and my sister will sell Mom's gold jewelry to pay Merry for a while longer. I wish you had been able to find a "Merry" to help you with your Mom. It would have put her LTC to good use and you would have had some free time to yourself. I'm glad you are able to make peace with yourself in this situation. I hope you can get her straightened out as soon as possible so you can get your life in order. Mom has been feeling poorly the last 3 days. Friday we thought it was allergies, but by the end of today she was totally out of it! Couldn't even hold her head up. the agitation got worse as the day wore on, so I had Merry give her a Seroquel late in the afternoon to help calm her down. She had a restless night last night and needs sleep tonight. She got her regular Seroquel at bedtime and is sleeping like a bay for now. I'm hoping that she is better in the morning and I will be able to take her to daycare. if not, it will be a long day without Merry to help and I will have to try to muscle her to the doctor on my own. That won't be easy, as it takes 2 of us to get her there when she is feeling well. I'm pretty tired here too and after many years of caring for Mom, I'm still plugging away, thanks to the help of Merry and daycare. It gives me some down time in between Mom's total care. She's losing weight more and more, even though she is well fed. I think maybe her body is running down. Anyway, I'm hoping to be able to cope long enough for her to die in her own home. her 2 stays at the best local NH didn't sit well with her or me for that matter. I was more tired visiting her there every day than I am at home, and all they wanted to do was use chemical restraint on her because they would have to have a person constantly by her side to keep her from falling. I would rather have her strapped into her wheelchair and somewhat coherent. As we say, it's all a matter of knowing our limits and I do know I could not have lasted this long without Merry's help the last 3 years. Hooray for LTC, if you can afford it! I can see Mom on camera and hear her breathing. She looks peaceful, so I hope she stays that way all night. I will have to leave the laptop on and check on her all night long. At least I won't have to disturb her. Again, Diane I am happy you have made a decision and will be moving ahead with your life. Take care of yourself!
Diane: Good for you. Good for you. Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As the old saying goes, to thine own self be true. You know what you can do and what you can't. You can't take care of your mom anymore. That is knowing yourself and there is no shame in appreciating your limits.
FYI to all the folks on GO. I am going to take steps to see if I can put my dad in a nursing home. Have to go through the Medicaid application stuff, but I'm going to tackle it. I'm just so tired of being tired. I don;'t think I realized how tired I was until I went to see my Granddaughter. I was in bed every night by 9am. I was exhausted. To get up in the morning and have a cup of coffee with no one else to worry about was just like finding a refuge.
Diane: I have support. I have my husband who loves me and that's huge. If I'm ready to see the writing on the wall, I can only imagine what you have been through and how tired you must be.
We have to respect our limitations and embrace them rather that beat ourselves up for having them.
Hi Y'all, Just checking in so you don't worry. I slept half the day away. I know this is the depression and my shutting down. Went for a drive with mom and my brother to show my brother where the NH's are located. He hasn't a clue what to ask or what to look for. I ran through a bunch of stuff with him, but his memory is almost as bad as mom's. I have a plan of action to resolve this dilemma on how to care for mom and to stay in my home. None of it thanks to my sibs. They can lay down ultimatums but do nothing. I will submit my application for the USDA low income direct loan program and buy the house from my mother. Between the income from the house and her LTC insurance, mom should be cared for at least another 2 years. I know I have to put mom in a NH because I don't htink I have the physical or mental endurance needed to be a good caregiver anymore. My sibs have put me through the wringer and I'm just too worn out from them. As soon as I can be independent and can tell them to KMA, the better. In the meantime, if mom is in a NH I can be a good daughter to her. Tomorrow I start back at work and I hope my mind will focus and I can be productive.
Have a good night and remember to take care of yourselves. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.
Diane, First get in touch with your counselor, right away!!! Cricket is right! Discuss the new meds you are on. All this angst can be made much worse if the new meds are not for you. Next, see about putting mom in NH for respite for you. A week or two without her can make all the difference in your mind set. You have too much pressure on you right now, from your sibs, from yourself. I know how much you want to keep caring for your mom and in order to do this, you have to take care of yourself first. Call your counselor right now and get started on helping yourself so you can make a decision you can live with. we all want what is best for you! Angelhair, So sorry for your loss. Been out of touch for a coupled days. Had vertigo from allergy problems and it was tough getting Mom off to daycare Friday. She got up with a "frog" in her throat and seems to have a cold. She's more out of it than usual, but eating okay and not coughing, just a froggy voice. She's not sleeping well, agitated and worrying the sheets half the night. gets up all sweaty from all the movement during the night. She has this bad habit of holding her breath when in bed. She refuses to open her mouth and ends up puffing her cheeks out while trying to get air. I usually roll her onto her side early in the morning and she breaths easier. This has been going on for over a year now. At first we would panic when she did this, now we roll her to her side and she goes back to sleep. Can't leave her on her side all night, as fluid settles onto the side she sleeps on. Her hand gets swollen and she gets a huge fluid pocket under her eye. If she is nit better tomorrow morning, I'll need to call her doctor. In the meantime we are keeping an eye on her. She is getting thinner by the day even though she eats well. I think her body is starting to give up a little bit each day. Merry was trying to get her first bite of pancake into her for breakfast yesterday, when Mom let out a huge fart! I don't know who laughed harder, us or Mom! She still has her sense of humor, but her manors have long since left the building. Merry will be here shortly, and it's Mom's day for her weekly shower, so I need to get dressed so I can help get her into the shower. That is a project in itself. Got to get the garden planted today while the kids are home to help. Diane, hang in there. You can do this! Everyone have a good day!
Hi all -- Selfish Sibs here. Diane, this is a really confusing time for you. I get it. Was just there. Didn't want to put my Dad in a NH but did it because he didn't have the money to pay for the services he needed to be safe in their (rented) home. He kept falling, incontinetn, not bathing, dementia, etc., and I kept going to the emergency room at midnight and dealing with the whole mess, fall after fall. Mom still thinks he is "coming home." Now that he is there for four months, I know it was the right decision. I couldn't keep caring for them and pulling their chestnuts out of the fire. I was exhausted and a wreck and my marriage was affected, I've gained weight, I was miserable. 2 siblings who don't do ANYTHING etc...I see light at the end of the tunnel now. Why? Because I feel good about the fact that I know my Dad is being cared for, fed properly, bathed, attended to and so on. Of course he wants his freedom, but he didn't plan (financially) for their future so here we are. It's just the way it is. And I love my Dad.
I think you've done all you can do. You shouldn't feel bad but that will come later. Think about what is truly best for the safety of your mother AND YOU. You'll figure out the financial part. Just keep moving forward. And start to think about yourself. You can do this. Luv u.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Deefer I can answer that one like someone else said this person is not a true caregiver sounds like my SIL she calls once a week and says things like well you know what ever is best for mother( YOU NOT CALLING HER CAREGIVER) would be all I can think of at the point she says that... This is the SIL that helps me by paying medical bills & insurance then giving me money during the month. She is her moms other caregiver she tells people. UGH! My MIL knows & says she is torture to deal with always hurrying her & has no patience. LOrd help us all..Have a great day !!!!!
As for miss remember.... Do you have to feed your parent every meal? Does it take forever to get them to open their mouth so you can put the food in? Do they pee or poop on you whenever you pull their pants down to toilet them? Do they spend the entire time they are on the toilet trying to pull their pants up? Can they still dress themselves, or do they no longer know what a shirt sleeve is? Do you have to wipe their nose and handle their false teeth because they don't know what they are for? Do they try to wipe the table with their bread and butter? Do you have to put away everything within their reach or they destroy it? Until you have had to deal with all of the above and , oh yes, let's not forget the having to wipe and wash Mom's crouch numerous times a day, and the fighting to get the meds into her mouth 4 times a day, you really have no idea how STUPID your "remember" comment is to every caregiver out there!!!! I hope you get to care for someone long enough to deal with all of the above. Then you can REMEMBER!!!!
Sorry everyone. I'm usually very diplomatic, but I just had to!
Ya, OBMAJ to the garden person.
Well Stated Jen! AND you landed on boat time!
Good one Judy and Austin and tbailey. you guys have got it down.
Diane! I am so happy to see that you are going to be moving forward on this so you get to have your life. Very big deal and I know that I am so proud of you and that everyone here is rooting for you big time.
Hey garden person and to the other comment a little earlier than that, whatever your name is, here's one for you two:
Except for a 10 week respite when I was flying coast to coast to handle my mother's crazy business (in other words, no real break for me) I took my mom all the way to her grave and I would NEVER do it again. It almost killed me and as everyone here on this thread is well aware, I am still not right.
It's called PTSD just like what combat vets get.
I am an advocate for elder placement to save the caregiver's life. Period.
I know that it's a personal choice but someone has to speak up for those who choose not to sacrifice themselves on the altar of crap.
I swear that if some old person fell down in front of me and there was someone else there to deal with it I could step over them and make a beeline for the front door and never look back.
Harsh? you betcha. But that's what 'over it' looks like.
A lot of times when someone wants to take issue with what we do here on the Grossed thread with Vent and Live they are not the 'real deal' of a caregiver. Their elder is in assisted living and maybe not even in 'memory care' yet because these judgmental individuals are totally clueless about what is in store. I don't know what the backstories on these folks are because I can't drum up a give a damn to go look at their profiles.
I have even been lectured from someone whose parent can still dress themselves and make their own sandwiches! wtf!?! Seriously?
You all are wonderful women, smart women and loving and compassionate women. I care for each and every one of you more than you could possibly imagine and I want for each and every one of you way more than you could possibly know.
Jen, I am so proud of you for still hanging in there and maybe you'll win the lottery on the same day the old perv will stroke out on you and after you fumigate the house you'll be able to draw a real breath. ugh.
This what I am passionate about. Trying to figure out a way for old people not to rob their children of their health and kill their children in the prime of their lives.
After awhile you just have to stop blaming the disease and understand, to paraphrase Austin, that this is a job for professionals and absolutely impossible for one person to do.
Boat Angel update: Still in the hospital on dialysis and the cancer is still everywhere but he is hanging in there. I am so grateful that he is in a professional environment and that I am not taking care of him because we would both probably be dead by now.
OK, Now for something stupid:
I was introduced to a Neanderthal type on Sunday (I am in a boat yard in a part of the country known for rednecks, bible thumpers and other non progressives) and when I extended my hand he squeezed so hard it is still sore and still carries a bruise. All the while he is grinning like an a$$hole.
Without even thinking I yanked my hand away, and kneed him in the nuts.
Yup, that's what 'over it' looks like..... and I love men! Just not stupid ones.
Idea of the Day: for those of you with idiot siblings, get a plastic bag and Fed Ex a days worth of diapers and sh!tty sheets to them. just for laughs put mom's teeth in the middle... If you pay a little extra you can have it delivered at dinnertime.
Bon Appetitty!
lovbob
That is why I love this site too many of you to name but, the ones on here understand. That help me through my day when MIL has no clue & family could care less....
Tbailey, you are free to vent whenever and however you want to on this site. You can't talk about a nasty situation without sharing the nasty.
Judy & Jen: Rock on!!
Diane: Your brain will get back in the game. I can't imagine your mom taking 1 1/2 hours to eat her dinner. I pray you get a decent night's sleep.
Love to all,
Cattails
Yes, another OBMAJ!
Went back to work today and felt rather overwhelmed trying to catch up on 2 weeks work. My brain isn't cooperating either and focusing is a bit more difficult than usual. I'm tired too. Mom took an hour and a half to eat so I'm trying to get her to sit up now before she goes to bed. If not, I will be up all night with her and acid reflux. If I had my way I would have been in bed at 9pm and snoring by now.
Tomorrow I check out another NH. I don't htink this is going to be the right one for mom, but I need to eliminate it from the list and know I've checked all options.
Have a good night dear ones and I'll check in tomorrow. Remember this thread was created for us all to vent. Bobbie's comment is "Vent and live".
Sweet dreams,
Diane
I get the point but it irritates me every time I see it...
You do not have a clue, so stop the God Damn preaching about doing for others as they once did for you. We don't have to glory in "poop Soup" to be good care givers our thoughts and vents our our own. Thanks for the reminder to feel guilty if were tired, and pissed...Yes, these will be lovely memories for me......He can't DIE soon enough. And I speak only for ME!
lildeb you seem like a easy going person which are my kind, cant take the drama...
Kh2oman, I have to admit even though I was my own mom's guardianship and she was an alcoholic, smoker and type 2 diabetes and depression yet, I still love and miss her very much sometimes. I lost her when she was 56 yr old due to heart attack.
Okay here goes the oldies here and you know who y'all are on here. Did y'all see where one of the BeeGee's passed away? I use to have a poster of them on my wall when I was a teenager. ; )
Sad to hear the news.
Cattails your grandaughter sounds like such a sweet great girl how lucky you both are to have each other I was a grandma's girl ...keep us posted on wedding.
Diane one day at a time but you even sound better.... keeping you in my thoughts and prayers girl you can do it....
I tried having renters to help with finances, but it really was a pain in the butt. My sons are coming for a visit in two weeks, so I'm looking forward to that. :)
I know we all hope that our parent(s) can die under our roofs. What a God send that would be. No placement decisions and to be able to say that we saw them through to the end.
It makes me so sad to think of placing my dad. I don't have a Merry in my life, but I'm so glad you do. Deef, I wish you every happiness and hope you can keep your mom til the end and always have Merry there to help you. It's just not possible to do it on your own.
Austin: You are such a kind and loving person. I'm so sorry if you are feeling heart sick or sad due to the break up. Bless your soul, Austin. You deserve the love of a GOOD man. I hope it helps you to know that you are loved her by so very many people. Things will get better; often when you least expect it.
Lildeb: Jo Moma-in-law is so damn lucky to have you. I think you are one of the dearest people I have met on this AC site. You are so down to earth and kind, even to those who have never been kind to you. I am putting your on my "You Rock" column.
Diane: You are so amazing. You are finding your way through the pain and the fear. You are doing the bravest thing....looking reality in the eyes and dealing with it. God Bless you. You keep moving forward.
Jen: You have the most beautiful voice. You are like an amazing singer, but it's words instead of song. Nevertheless, you have the music of humanity in your voice. You could speak for so many.
Cuz: Can you give us an update on Bobby and the boat angel? Something connecting and real? I love her and I am such a newbee. Everyone wants to know how she is doing.
Cricket: Chirp, Chirp, stick it. We need a little of the evil Cricket.
Eskape: (sp) How are you doing?
Tbailey: Where are you my sweet friend. Come back and vent and let us know you how you are doing.
Angelhair: I'm thinking about you and I can hear you singing at your FIL services. Take good care of yourself and I know you will be there to ease the reality of your FIL's passing for your husband, MIL and GGMIL. You are very special and doing so much for so many at such a young age.
I stay up too late. I just feel that I come alive after dad is tucked in. I have to get to bed earlier so I'm calling it a night.
Love to all, Cattails.
We did get the mnl interested in making beaded necklaces and when she would get frustrated, I would tell her to stop and take a break for it suppose to be fun. She would try some more and I would let her know that she can always come back to them and that their is no right or wrong way to make the necklace. I think she also like the idea that no-one else would have one just like hers. She made one that was about 2ft long and hung them on her door. Of course, beads would be all under the kitchen table yet, it at least gave me an hour or so breathing break, yes! Thanks to hubby's idea. We are running to the Dollar store to get more beads and maybe a few unique ones for her to choose from Hobby Lobby. Taking advantage of this break and running the whole mile.
Diane, I am really sorry you having to deal with the relatives being selfish and not understanding on your part. I cannot believe that they don't realize all that you have done these years for y'alls mom. I am glad that your brother stayed to give you a break a bit. I know this is going to be a very long shot... but, maybe somewhere in your brother's heart when or if they sell the home, will they consider to help compensate some money for you to help so that you can get on your feet? I know it is a long shot but at least a shot. Try to not take any negativity that may come from any of them as well. I know it is easier said than done for we are not in living n dealing in your shoes.
Mom has been feeling poorly the last 3 days. Friday we thought it was allergies, but by the end of today she was totally out of it! Couldn't even hold her head up. the agitation got worse as the day wore on, so I had Merry give her a Seroquel late in the afternoon to help calm her down. She had a restless night last night and needs sleep tonight. She got her regular Seroquel at bedtime and is sleeping like a bay for now. I'm hoping that she is better in the morning and I will be able to take her to daycare. if not, it will be a long day without Merry to help and I will have to try to muscle her to the doctor on my own. That won't be easy, as it takes 2 of us to get her there when she is feeling well.
I'm pretty tired here too and after many years of caring for Mom, I'm still plugging away, thanks to the help of Merry and daycare. It gives me some down time in between Mom's total care. She's losing weight more and more, even though she is well fed. I think maybe her body is running down.
Anyway, I'm hoping to be able to cope long enough for her to die in her own home. her 2 stays at the best local NH didn't sit well with her or me for that matter. I was more tired visiting her there every day than I am at home, and all they wanted to do was use chemical restraint on her because they would have to have a person constantly by her side to keep her from falling. I would rather have her strapped into her wheelchair and somewhat coherent.
As we say, it's all a matter of knowing our limits and I do know I could not have lasted this long without Merry's help the last 3 years. Hooray for LTC, if you can afford it!
I can see Mom on camera and hear her breathing. She looks peaceful, so I hope she stays that way all night. I will have to leave the laptop on and check on her all night long. At least I won't have to disturb her.
Again, Diane I am happy you have made a decision and will be moving ahead with your life. Take care of yourself!
FYI to all the folks on GO. I am going to take steps to see if I can put my dad in a nursing home. Have to go through the Medicaid application stuff, but I'm going to tackle it. I'm just so tired of being tired. I don;'t think I realized how tired I was until I went to see my Granddaughter. I was in bed every night by 9am. I was exhausted. To get up in the morning and have a cup of coffee with no one else to worry about was just like finding a refuge.
Diane: I have support. I have my husband who loves me and that's huge. If I'm ready to see the writing on the wall, I can only imagine what you have been through and how tired you must be.
We have to respect our limitations and embrace them rather that beat ourselves up for having them.
Love to all, Cattails.
Just checking in so you don't worry. I slept half the day away. I know this is the depression and my shutting down. Went for a drive with mom and my brother to show my brother where the NH's are located. He hasn't a clue what to ask or what to look for. I ran through a bunch of stuff with him, but his memory is almost as bad as mom's. I have a plan of action to resolve this dilemma on how to care for mom and to stay in my home. None of it thanks to my sibs. They can lay down ultimatums but do nothing. I will submit my application for the USDA low income direct loan program and buy the house from my mother. Between the income from the house and her LTC insurance, mom should be cared for at least another 2 years. I know I have to put mom in a NH because I don't htink I have the physical or mental endurance needed to be a good caregiver anymore. My sibs have put me through the wringer and I'm just too worn out from them. As soon as I can be independent and can tell them to KMA, the better. In the meantime, if mom is in a NH I can be a good daughter to her. Tomorrow I start back at work and I hope my mind will focus and I can be productive.
Have a good night and remember to take care of yourselves. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.
Love ya,
Diane
Angelhair, So sorry for your loss.
Been out of touch for a coupled days. Had vertigo from allergy problems and it was tough getting Mom off to daycare Friday. She got up with a "frog" in her throat and seems to have a cold. She's more out of it than usual, but eating okay and not coughing, just a froggy voice. She's not sleeping well, agitated and worrying the sheets half the night. gets up all sweaty from all the movement during the night. She has this bad habit of holding her breath when in bed. She refuses to open her mouth and ends up puffing her cheeks out while trying to get air. I usually roll her onto her side early in the morning and she breaths easier. This has been going on for over a year now. At first we would panic when she did this, now we roll her to her side and she goes back to sleep. Can't leave her on her side all night, as fluid settles onto the side she sleeps on. Her hand gets swollen and she gets a huge fluid pocket under her eye.
If she is nit better tomorrow morning, I'll need to call her doctor. In the meantime we are keeping an eye on her. She is getting thinner by the day even though she eats well. I think her body is starting to give up a little bit each day. Merry was trying to get her first bite of pancake into her for breakfast yesterday, when Mom let out a huge fart! I don't know who laughed harder, us or Mom! She still has her sense of humor, but her manors have long since left the building.
Merry will be here shortly, and it's Mom's day for her weekly shower, so I need to get dressed so I can help get her into the shower. That is a project in itself.
Got to get the garden planted today while the kids are home to help.
Diane, hang in there. You can do this!
Everyone have a good day!
I think you've done all you can do. You shouldn't feel bad but that will come later. Think about what is truly best for the safety of your mother AND YOU. You'll figure out the financial part. Just keep moving forward. And start to think about yourself. You can do this. Luv u.
-SS