Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Diane: I understand what Cricket is saying. You need to do what you feel is truly right. I want to just remind you, don't do something out of fear. Cricket said that too, but I want to restate it. I also think Cricket's suggestion about contacting your counselor is a good one. You don't have to wait until things get worse. Do it now and hear what she has to say. We all love you Diane. Get a good nights sleep and if you have a problem sleeping, try to remind yourself that all the problems will be there in the morning. Just tell them you will see them in the am. Picture a shelf you can put them on, maybe in a cookie jar and put the lid on it. Tomorrow is another day. The problems will be there, but the solutions are coming.

Take care Diane. Love, Cattails.

I just lost my last post. Suffice it to say that Angel Hair, Diane and Jen are in my prayers tonite for special blessings to find peace. I say a prayer for all caregivers that they find the strength, the patience, the love they need to continue to provide the care their loved one is so in need of. Hugs ~ Kuli

Diane,

Only stick to your decision if you know it is what is best for you and your Mom. Don't do it if it's because you are being pushed by your Sibs because they don't want to pay more later for your Mom's care... Screw what they want! If you are struggling with placing your Mom and selling her home because deep down it doesn't feel like the right thing to do then don't allow yourself to be bullied into doing it. However if you already know for sure that you need to follow through for your Survival then stay the course. Listen and pay attention to your gut feelings. If that is really upsetting you and causing you to have panic attacks then please contact your new therapist and get in asap, the same thing goes for sharp contrasting moods if you've been put on a new medication for the depression. Take care of yourself honey and everything else will work out... you won't end up homeless. Break that damn record! Those thoughts are creating more fear and panic in you and that isn't empowering you at all. You have the power to say NO to everyone else and do what you know to be best. Don't do anything because it's what everyone else wants.. Do what you know is right.

I said all of the above because last week you commented to me that taking care of your Mother wasn't the worse thing for you but that it was your SIBS.. but then later you said you couldn't continue taking care of your Mother. That was confusing and it made me wonder if you were being pressured by others. I just want to remind you that whatever you do....do it because it is YOUR decision and you believe it is right.. and don't worry what anyone else will think or if they get upset..that is their problem, not yours. You take and keep control of your life and to hell with what others think.

Cricketღ

Diane: Document what you spent on your mom as best you can. She should have been covering her own costs and paying for the things she wanted in her yard. You really should be reimbursed for money spent on mom's behalf. That's only right.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am very scared about this change for mom and for me. I cant imagine my mom living in a NH. Once mom is out of here, my sibs don't give a damn what happens to me. I'm afraid I'm going to end up homeless since I've given everything I have to my mom. I don't have a cent to my name. I have to stop here. I'm only going to start crying again. Have a good night

Beautifully said Jen. Beautifully said!!!!! So good to hear your voice. Cattails.

I agree with catails, D. One day at a time, and remember to put yourself first. This is the scary precipice you have to jump over before you hit firm and welcome ground on the other side. You are stronger and braver than you think; because you Made this decision, even if it feels like you are losing your way. You aren't lost, it just is a bit blurry at the moment. Stay with it. YOU can do it. Change is hard and we fight it, but you are ahead already for having taken the steps. Do what you need to feel, if not safe, because this isn't meant to feel safe, just yet, at least feeling able to go through....I have been there many times and have many changes yet to make yet myself, I truly know what you are feeling and IT is not comfortable. Just remember, when you get to the other side, to remind yourself how hard you worked and how brave you are/were to take this step for your life!
We are with you!

Diane you mother will adjust probably quickly especially if she is near by-I spent hundreds of hours in NH the 16 stays the husband had in rehab and I never saw reesidents that were unhappy they have activities now and groups to entertain them they sing old songs and play games and most have courtyards so they can go outside and you will have an important role in her life but so much easier-later on you will wonder why you worried so much-I love you girlfriend folks here got me through the last 4 years and will get you through this also-so visit all the NH in your area so you can make a choice and take one day at a time-only worry a little bit and tomarrow is another day.

Hi Diane: I know you are afraid. Can you try and go back to the realization you had that you are not able to care for your mom unassisted. What you are dealing with now is a huge transition and you have to take it one step at a time. Stay in the day and don't look too far ahead because it will overwhelm you.

Do you have any idea what fair market value is for the home you share with your mom? Is it possible that you could work 35 or 40 hours per week at your job once your mom is settled. Diane, also consider that your mom might find it ok to be in a facility once she gets to know some of the people there.

We are here to help you come up with some constructive steps/ideas. Just know that you are going to have your ups and downs for a while, but it will get better and things will work out.

Love and Hugs, Cattails

Good Morning I Hope you get to feeling better soon. You should not blame yourself. I have you in my thoughts n prayers.......All I know is I hope it would
all get easier for you because Im sure everything will work out. You are a great person Diane Keep your head up...

Morning,
I'm feeling very angry, scared and upset this morning after a sleepless night worrying about the future. I'm being forced to put my mother in a NH that is basically like being in the hospital for the rest of her life. Me, I have no idea what is happening with my life. I don't see how I can remain in my home, nor afford to rent anywhere at this point. I am so lost, confuse and hurt. I know it was my own action that brought this all to a head, but why am I being punished instead of being helped? I can't seem to stop sobbing this morning

You're welcome Diane. Sleep well my friend. Cattails

Good night dear friends. I've had a busy day looking at skilled nursing facilities, setting up new bank accounts and taking care of mom. More NH shopping tomorrow. Cat, thanks for the info available on Medicare.gov.

Sweet dreams!

Diane, I am so happy that your found a good counsselor. It is soooo important to get one you can connect with! I have had to "fire" 2 over the years. The first time I was so scared to do it-but she was sooooo bad and off base-it had to be done. The second one had a sister who was the caregiver to their mom...and altho she had good advise sometimes, and was very appreciative to her sister, she always wanted to talk about herself! I thought she should be paying me! So, I hope you have a keeper-but don't be afraid to switch if you need to!
Also, about your siblings being morons again...it is gonna happen! Stay strong! You are moving toward a better place with all you are doing... They may stay behind and repeat all the old patterns... keep your chin up and keep on keepin on! Mame

Jen: Getting paid is a nice thought. I posted on your wall. Cattails

Angel, I am sorry for your loss, I hope his passing was peaceful and you can get a break but I know you are still in care giving mode. Make some time for yourself there some how. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your FIL....


Thank you Deef and Cattails and Tbaily. I t just comes out that way. Am expecting to hear about my play now, will keep you all in the loop. I guess I would publish, just lazy and depressed about it. Getting paid is a nice thought....

Dflex, remember to put them in perspective YOURS! You are not going back. I know from people pushing your buttons, try imaging you don't have any. It won't always work but it will sometimes. If it is a moral issue. You ARE a better person than them. All you do, and all they DON'T do, that's behavior as proof math! Hang in there, trust me, the worst fighting is the final push when you say NO MORE OF THIS! The pattern fights back like it is dying...becasue it is....YOU will survive it. Stronger and more sure of yourself.

Diane: Here's some NH research you can do on line that might be helpful to you. Go to Medicare.gov. At the top of the page are pull down menus. Click on Resourse Locator, then click on Nursing Homes Compare. Medicare inspects NH's annually and they rate them from 1 to 5 in various categories; 1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest. You can put in your zip code and then list how many miles from your zip you want NH results.

The site will tell you the staffing ratio, complaints made, all kinds of things. It's so informative and will help you eliminate NH from your visit list and just focus in on the best in your area.

You can share this with the moronic sibs too. Maybe it will give them something constructive to do.

Hugs, Cattails

The moronic siblings are at it again. I've let them get to me and have lost sleep over their insensitively and ignorance. I am still trying to get to visit some NH in the area but they are very slow in returning calls. I may just go show up on their doorstep and see if they can show me around and get details.

Angelhair, I'm sorry things were so sudden, but at least your FIL did not suffer long. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Jen, you are an amazing writer.

Diane and Jen, you both rock! Diane, I am also very proud of you! Jen, as always it is a pleasure to read your writings. You are truly gifted.

Angelhair, I loved what you wrote. You have my sympathy and prayers.

Love you all,
Cricketღ

Angelhair I'm happy just to feel after all you have did once your FIL left this world you felt appreciated. Thankfully all has been going as good as it can. I think you should stick around though you might not need to vent but, there are alot of people who stick around that have been there did that & they are the best to give us advice when we are not thinking straight.
WOW Jen I agree I love the way you tell a story I need some help sometimes I just have to vent or tell a story but I get so busy typing I read it after I write it & I don't even understand. That is so sad about your neibor when I was younger I seen the guy accross the street here & there at time I lived on pretty busy town road then one day the cars pulled up & I sat & watched couldnt quit watching he was like only 25 He was young & shot himself on his couch. That info I found out when I seen them bring the couch out not covered or anything. I was like what could have been sooo bad He was a nice looking kid looked like he had friends you just never know some peoples demons i guess. You should take cattails advice. Maybe You could write a book about a lady trying to live a normal life while being a caregiver ha ha
LOve the joke CUZ......
Hello Cattails Hope you have a great day.. I have to get on here later & up date you on the SIL that was all for helping us and then Im here missing daughters ballgames and she is complaining about beeing busy & went to fl. end of march well IM hiring help & like my husband said word of mouth and hire 2 or 3 that way if one cant other can sit with her.. I'll be back I need advice from you all gotta go for now...Hope you all have great day..

angelhair: I'm surprised your FIL passed so soon, but I'm so grateful he didn't suffer on for a long time. God Bless him. I don't know if your MIL knows you post on AC, but if she does, please let her know we are thinking of her and sending all of you our love. You take care of yourself Angelhair. I'll be thinking of you and the song you will be singing. Lots of Love, Cattails

Jen: I agree with Deef: You are an amazing writer.I got chills reading your post and I truly felt I was there. Wow, girl. You rock!!!!! You know, Jen, you have a gift and I'm serious. You can say what you want about your mother's mentally ill daughter, but it's your mind, understanding, empathy and sensitivity that let's you FEEL all the things you then put it into words.

Maybe you could start a writing journal. Please copy down what you posted. I'm going to send you an address for Sun Magazine. It's a writer's magazine and they take articles.

You are awesome and don't you for a minute think of taking your life. We will all have to come to your house and give you a royal ass kicking.

Love to you, Jen, Cattails

FIL passed away today at 11:20am. After all of the struggling and fighting for breath he finally passed rather peacefully. We were all rather relieved that he didn't have to suffer a long time like some. The sad thing is that today is GGIL 97 birthday. She says "What a beautiful gift from Heavenly Father that he would take FIL home on my birthday." She is a very special lady. She had a close relationship. It was like he was one of her own sons rather than her son in law. She cried, MIL cried, everyone cried. And all of his kids, who up to this point didn't have much to do with him, all came and cried. It was nice to see the entire family come together like that. And his kids surprised us by saying they would pay for the funeral costs. Anything that had to do with his funeral they are covering. They all gave me hugs and told me how much they appreciated my taking care of their father when none of them could handle it. I felt very appreciated and loved. They even called me their sister. I guess I am, if only by marriage to their step brother. Anyway, I've still got a lot of things to go over before the rest of the family shows up for the funeral.

I appreciate all of you and everything you have written. I'll probably still write because I'm still caring for GGIL, but it might not be for a while. Although, sometimes I think writing to you all and reading about your own situations and struggles helps to keep me sane. So, it may be sooner than I think.
Love you

Old guys are the best

A woman decides to have a facelift he spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Shocked and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Jen, You write so beautifully!!! There has to be a way for you to get published. I got chills as I read your post and pictured every detail as I read them. You are an amazing writer. Your words bring life to the story. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I'm truly humbled!!!

Dflex, Excellent, you got the right help at the right time, a fellow caregiver will get it! You deserve to feel good and have someone caring for you for a change and listening to you and your concerns!

Hi Linda, yes and the email I got back seemed sort of chagrined I think. Yes, I am not usually that passive aggressive but I have had it with them, complaining of things to ME, when they travel four times a year, own a successful business and land, live in a $300,000+ dollar house and get out, go out, do stuff and get PAID for work...Just shut up already!

Cattails, I do go out, on foot now and then, best I can do. No money for bus and becasue grandpa is here, I am no longer considered indigent due to HIS income, investments etc. even though we live like; I don't know, like we are almost homeless, but I won't claim that one, becasue I really have not experienced it. Just day by day.

It was cold, I feel cold, and sad for them. I was planning my suicide in bed that night, for the future, to be out of the way, for my mother. I looked at it in a totally emotionless frame of mind for once. If I am here, she will not be able to go into a retirement home and I the mentally ill adult daughter, am just in the way and unable to get on with life and then the same time I am making plans for the future, to end my future, the neighbor guy kills himself, across the street, not fifty feet away from me. I watched the house all night. The cops and paramedics, the Fire Dept. The paramedics and firemen, sent away, the family members rushing to the home, the police, ten deep, cars after car, come and go, higher ups, the coroner, the police tech taking pictures, in the house, behind the house, of the house, the grief councilor, the Chaplin, the later family arrivals. I remember glaring at the police when they got to glib, how they joke to deal with stress of the job, he was a person here, to us! NOT just a body bags future contents on your Tuesday shift! Waiting for what I knew was coming, the coroner's van, come to take the body away. Almost furtive, the workers were, as if to draw as little attention to the scene as possible, not like an accident, with it's lights glaring, loud talking. A hushed, hurried affair, a Suicide...we can't get him into the ground fast enough..."Self Murder" in French.....The sun going down, the last time he would ever see the sun, From this side any way. The coroner's workers, to my surprise, a man and a woman, dressed in every day clothes, no white on whites, or coveralls, or scrubs. The only clue to their task, the dark rubber gloves and quick quiet movements to the house with the empty gurney itself. Flat, not the comfort considered hospital type one. The decision to take his body out the side not the front, decrease the SCENE, depress the SHOW...The body bag carrying the last remains of my neighbor, who helped us shovel out our snow filled drive way, more than once. The kind, quiet man who offered to help when I slipped and broke my ankle on the same ice and snow the year before. A whole year lived, but not this one, this was the last for him...And I wondered, what did it for him, what was the last straw, the last moment, the last last decision. He must have called 911 and killed himself for the EMT's rushed in hope of Saving a life and left almost immediately when the police waved them away and said it was too late. I wonder how old he was. If he'd been suicidal all his life. I wonder how DO people drive a car and navigate to the home of a loved one they have just been told has committed suicide? The mother who ran, pulling her slipping purse over her shoulder, geared for emotional battle, running towards the house, maybe not yet believing what she'd been told and the sound of her wailing cry from inside the home when she knew it was true. His pain is over, but theirs has become compounded. The calls to other family, the dealing with the coroner, the funeral arrangements, the clearing out of the deceased possessions, no longer possessed by him. The wife...His wife, what does SHE do now? How do you live through something like that? id she know, did she suspect, did it just come out of the blue black blue? I saw him, taking extra special care of the yard two days before. My mom wants our yard to look that nice, but we do not have the money for the landscaping, and I don't have the interest to make the effort and she doesn't have the energy. I keep it clean and leave it at that. Maybe he wanted to make sure it looked nice as long as possible for his wife? He killed himself, but he took care of the yard. Somehow I don't think she will regard the trade well...made...
Anyhow, that was all that was buried in my post "Our neighbor across the street killed himself last night, his struggles are over..." and so they are. That I know of.
I hope they are. The house is still there, the family comes and goes doing little things now and then. The wife is staying elsewhere. A year from now it will be a year from now, right now..Two days ago he was here, and he isn't anymore.

Diane: That's awesome. The day started off gloomy, but now is so much brighter. Glad your brother is helping. Stay inside. Love you, Cattails.

Hi yall,
I met with the counselor and set up my appointments for the next month. She is very nice and has been a caregiver herself. So nice to have someone who can relate. She said she was surprised I had lasted this long trying to work an outside job and care for mom.

Brother took mom for her Coumadin check and came home and bought dinner. Should I worry about being struck by lightening?

Just wanted to keep you posted and let you know I think I have found the right counselor. Time will tell for sure.

Have a good night and mame, milk it for all you can :)

Love ya,
Diane

Happy poop story! Been mad at the husband all week for not taking care of himself since his hospital visit last weekend. I think he took today off as a "save the marriage day!" Well, I am sick as a dog-last night he said to go to bed early so I'd feel better and he would care for mom and guess who had to get up and take care of her??? Me! Well, I went to the Dr this morning and I have strep throat. BUT-while I was gone she had a diahrrea problem that he had to deal with! I got home from Dr, took antibiotic and went to bed. She had another bout of diahrrea! Sorry, but I am so glad he was home for that!!!
Other thing, I said to the DR that I hope mom wouldn't get the strep and ya know what he said? "Strep usually stays away from old people"! That made me feel good for more than one reason!!!! haha
Had a good nap...my son is bringing me freeze pops... I may milk this a bit! Happy to be sick??? Mame

Diane: There are no adequate words for me to express how very, very proud I am of you. You just keep your chin up and keep taking those constructive steps. I am keeping you in my prayers. You are a shinning star and have made my day so much brighter. Keep us posted. Love and Hugs to you, Cattails