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Betty: I understand your reaction to the taxi driver story. You took care of your mom until her passing and now you have your father-in-law in your home.
Nevertheless, I think of the taxi story as a message that taking a small extra step to help another, even when you are at the end of your shift, end of your rope, or whatever, can be meaningful. We all have our stories and troubles. You never know how a random act of patience or kindness will affect the life of a total stranger.
Well, today was a mysterious poop day. Just couldn't get him to the toilet in time. Got him on the toilet and proceeded to get the depends off and the PJ bottoms and the slippers and the socks. Went to his dresser to get clean clothes and there was a big pile of poop sitting on the carpet. Holy crap, how did that get there. My dad is a shit magician. Gonna call him Poodini from now on. Talk about your super moon. Taxi please.
OBMAJ -- hah! I've only been here a few days, but I know who Amber Jane was. If you were referring to the story about the taxi driver, Maxine, it was posted by Cricket, who is anything BUT an Amber Jane. It's a sweet (fictional, IMO) story. I hope nothing I said implied that Cricket or anyone else here is an Amber Jane. If so, I apologize.
Ted, I haven't been on in quite awhile... after mother's passing in Oct I have been really busy with my father. I am so sorry for your loss and know you are going through alot of emotions. Just know that we (the crew) are here for you!
Hey! I read the first 100 or so posts on this thread for fun! What a hoot! Can I come on your boat too??? I am in Central NY but I can get to water where ever you say you will pick me up! You all sound like a blast! Mame
As for the story about the taxi driver, it is indeed sweet and inspiring. But I have to say, it also sounds more than a little like an urban legend. More than one element of the story points to that possibility, but for me the real tipoff is that this very old, very sick lady not only got herself to her front door (with her suitcase, no less) but apparently also got through an ALL-NIGHT taxi ride without needing her mensch of a driver to change her Depends (or, more likely, scrape its flung contents off his dashboard). And then she gets herself dropped off at what sounds like a cinematic fantasy of a hospice. Did the waiting attendants dance and sing "Mame," too? I know this makes me a terrible spoilsport, but extreme old age and caregiving are both so challenging that I just can't stand it when people want to sentimentalize either one. In fact, it makes me want to hurl, so it looks like that taxi driver will be tidying up his dashboard after all. Anybody want to join me in deconstructing "Driving Miss Daisy, All the Way Home"?
I do not know Ted, but I do know that there is nothing quite like the mix of grief and relief when someone dies after an intense period of our caregiving. If we loved the person, we often feel the loss more acutely later on, when older, happier memories begin to replace what may have been the horrific images that our mind has kept of our loved one's last months or days. Take care, Ted, my unknown comrade.
Is this a true story? It is inspiring. There's a song that I like about an angel being some one you would never suspect & when you show kindness wanting nothing in return, you will receive unexpected good things happen in your life!!!!
Somehow my last post got lost in cyberspace! Anyway-just a thanks for letting me vent! I made it to the counselor and he said what you all said-Crickett, Deef and Cattails-I need to tell them!!! Too much resentment builds up staying quiet. So, a conversation will be had. I had something else going on inside me at the time that I was "angry" and venting. I say that with quotations, because on another thread mommag said "Anger is fear in disguise". For the first time I left mom with a caregiver that I don't know. I had to buck up and find a companion company. I am realizing that for my sanity, I need to get out more and that I can't always rely on the 6 siblings. I am terrified that mom won't be taken care of (like I would take care of her...) I am untrusting about leaving mom with someone I don't know...and afraid they are going to snoop and steal stuff. With the aids that I have had when she was having some bad times health wise-they were texting or snooping or not showing up! My counselor-who knows I will not put mom in a home (at this time) asked me, "what are you willing to give up in order to be happy?" So, although it brings with it anxiety for now till I am used to it and feel safer about it, I am giving up some control-by hiring a companion I don't know to hang out with mom so I can have a few hours a week. Many of you have done this already and are ok with it-but it is new to me. When we decide to be a cargiver-we have expectations, whether we realize it or not. When those expectations are not fulfilled-we are disappointed. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought my family and I could do this-no problem-no outside help-there are 7 of us kids! The reality of this has been sinking in but getting that outside caregiver made it really hit home. So, I was angry and then when the sibs didn't answer my texts-and all I needed was an answer! it just put me over the edge...I was angry-but probably more scared at this new person in our lives and how it would go. Well-deep breath-it all went well. Mom seems well cared for and even said she liked her! And, nothing seems to be missing... As for my family expectations- "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them." And all of us on this website can attest to that-am I right? Anyway-thanks for your words of encouragement and for being here when I need you! Leaving her with this woman will get better in time and the fear will go. I am already not as angry as I was! Mame
Good afternoon Crew, Love all you guys and man oh man I cried my eyes out at that story about the lady in the cab.
And thinking of that I wanted to say that Ted's mom passed away night before last. She was at on hospice at home with Ted and in no pain. Free at last.
Betty, I say let sil pitch her fits and as for the doctor, If you don't feel like taking him out with his gross eating manners then don't go with them. If she can drive to visit fil and do all that shopping then she can driver herself to those places. I don't see how you do it sometimes, you are stronger woman than I.
Love the post back there advert of Aging care said something like bring on the happy about care giving and the next story was Hospice...OOOpps hahahahaa mnnn yes... Still alive here, Glad Deefer you are back on the bring it on side know things are crazy hard for you there and hope some relief is coming....My moms so wiped out she slept through fp getting up so I handled him today.
No butt shine, but extra craziness with Mom for sure. Can always tell when a full moon is coming by her attitude. More agitated, less compliant and generally more of a handful than usual. Daycare should be fun tomorrow! Judy, you are right about the "super moon". Hope we have clear skies for viewing. Got start my chores, take my walk, then knit for my sanity. Merry is here today to sit with mom. YAY!!!!!
Supermoon is when the moon hits its fullest phase when it makes its closest approach to the earth. The moon's orbit isn't exactly a circular thing, sometimes it comes closer to the earth (just had to look this up - I had no idea). So, Saturday night, the moon will appear larger (article says 14% bigger and 30% brighter). Does this sound right, Deefer? All I knew was that the moon was going to be big and bright but I didn't know why - had to google up a few articles. Now, I'll be watching the sky this weekend, and loving it. Thanks for the heads-up!
A very- very sweet lesson on patience and precious moments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
Cattails and Meanwhile2, the POLST protocol is what we did with my MIL Betty and she to wanted to stay at home and die there. I had Hospice coming the last 3 weeks but I still did everything because back then I didn't know Hospice would actually help with bathing etc. and they didn't offer. It was hard but I have no regrets. Betty had her full mental capacity and at least she got to stay at home and die in peace. The day she died I collapsed from exhaustion and it took me a full year to recover physically. She was my first to care for and the most needy. I am glad that at the time I was able to get through that and help her but there is no way I would ever go through that again (to that degree).
Deef... "Super Moon" what is it supposed to mean?
Okay I'm outta here for now, everyone watch out for boob poking fingers! Butts squirting poop!! and false teeth sprouting plants!!! Whoohoo... the good life!
DNR, POLST, This is a good thing! I don't believe in letting people suffer! If they are sane and it is their wish to go on, then so be it, but I know Mom would not want to be kept alive just because we can't let go. Cattails, getting his urine checked is a good thing. I've seen Mom go downhill fast while we try to decide if that's the problem. By the way everyone, Supposed to be a "Super Moon" this weekend. Bring it on!!!!
Meanwhile: Thank you. Your husband thanks you too. It's very hard I know, but the only drip my dad will get is a morphine drip for pain and anxiety. Bless you. Cattails.
Love BAD Cricket, I think we all entertain those thoughts, at least I hope the rest of you do, or I'm the only other evil person on this site. Cattails, I agree with your version of a DNR. When I worked in the hospital, would see family bring in an elderly patient that was refusing to eat. Usually the patient didn't want to live anymore, it was getting close to the end. Sometimes that was very hard for the family to accept. Then the Dr would put in a feeding tube, that ended up getting infected, or they spent hours trying to force the patient to eat, and they just wanted to be left alone. Of course, my husband made me promise that I would let him die at home. Was hard to do. There at the end just an IV might have kept him alive for several more days, but he was flat on his back, didn't know who I was, didn't know where he was. The cancer had gone to his brain, it took his sight, and his hearing the last week, and I knew he didn't want to linger like that. I wouldn't want to live like that either. I bet your Dad feels the same way.
Cricket: Don't put the lid on. I love the evil Cricket. Chirp, Chirp and shove it. Now, that's a good Cricket!!!!! I'm so glad you had 4 wonderful days to yourself doing what you love.
Deef: Thanks for the tip on the UTI. His urine in normal and no odd smell at all. This afternoon he was much more animated and cooperative with the care giver. Laughed, joked and took his shower like a good boy. Had a shave and lunch and took his afternoon siesta. Nevertheless, I think I will go to the doc's office and get a sterile cup, bring it home, get a urine sample and take it back for analysis. You just never know.
I'm going to mention something here. It may seem heartless and if it offends anyone, you should feel free to share your feelings on the topic. You won't hurt mine. It's just the way I see it.
I have an order from my dad's doctor. It's called a POLST Directive and it is signed by me and the doc. POLST stands for Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment. My dad's order calls for comfort care only. It gives directions to EMT and hospital staff that he is not to be treated with antibiotics for pneumonia (OK for UTI's), no feeding tube, no breathing tube, etc. He can have oxygen, oral suction and manual treatment of airway obstruction as needed for comfort.
My dad is not living the life he would have wanted when he was well and could state his opinions. I don't believe my job is to keep him going through every complication. I'm just here to keep him safe and comfortable. I will feed him, wipe his fanny, tuck him in at night with kisses and I love yous. I certainly would never neglect a comfort need, but I will not intervene in nature taking it's course.
I'm quite comfortable with this, but some of you may see it differently. To each his own and I certainly honor your feelings as it applies to you and those in your care.
Got baby goslings on the pond now. Proud parents with 5 little ones. I expect we will have another set of parents and additional babies. We had 24 bull elk hanging around the past few days. I feel so blessed that I can look out my kitchen window and see this. How lucky am I?
Mame, I agree with Cricket. Just tell them what you told us. How more honest can you be. The way you said it was perfect.
Mame, I have 6 sibs that I rarely hear from. My oldest sister calls the most and she is the farthest away. She helps with$$ problems and Stays with us for 3 weeks every summer. She is the most help to me. the others I don't see or hear from for months at a time. When mom broke her wrist in January, I didn't call them . They weren't happy, but if they really wanted to know how she is, they would call or stop by and see. I gave up trying to get help from them a couple years ago. Now I just find a non-family member to help. it makes my life less stressful. They are not worth losing sleep over.
Well good evening everyone, I got back from the 4 day convention last night. It was 4 days of doing healthy exercise, stretching, meditation, eating super healthy food, and peace and quiet! It was pure heaven.. although my body is super sore, lol
There are so many newbie's here! Welcome to Mame, Betty, Brook, Judy, Di, Cindretha, Barbryan and tbailey! It took me an hour and a half to catch up with all the posts and I must say that the gross story's had me laughing while at the same time feeling grossed out. Mame, I think you should tell it straight out to your family, exactly how you said it here. Even if it goes in one ear and out the other with them, at least you will feel better for saying it. Betty, I have a suggestion about dinner with the FIL (evil cricket is let out) I would get a booth all to myself where I could see my DH and with FIL's back to me, and with a glass of wine in one hand, whenever DH glanced my way I would smile and show him my middle finger! Hah! Okay, bad cricket is back in her box now :)
I am however constantly amazed at how others think they can just dump their responsibility of caregiving on us because we are the "woman" or the nice one, that is just plain BS! Okay I lied...bad Cricket is in the box but the lid is off of it.
I am totally with Bobbie on the NH when they get to a certain point. We need to recognize our own life's value and worth, and many of us are at an age where we did our job raising our own children, worked all our lives and by God it's our turn to live a little! I have concluded that I will continue to care for Dad as long as I can continue to have some kind of a life of my own as well, but once his care demands more I will seek out an alternative solution...well that's my story and I'm sticking to it! It's good to be back and to see so many posts. *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
FYI: When I text someone-I do keep my phone handy or I text through the computer/email so I will get their replies in my email or on the phone... My computer is always on. It is my life line! The point is that they don't text me back or call me... And they text and call everyone when in my presence...so that makes me feel like a "nothing" or un important... I would rather have them tell me they can't than just disregard me... when they don't seem to disregard others...
Can I gripe? It is about family... I go to a counselor once a month-in the evening so someone can be here with mom since everyone works during the day. I have 2 siblings who will usually help. (Lucky me-I know!) One of those siblings is out of town and told me he couldn't help. My sister-never got back to me. Now, she has two boys of college age and she works full time etc etc...I get it. BUT, when she is here, she is CONSTANTLY texting her kids or whoever. WHY when I text-does she not get back to me? This also happens with another brother who is sooooo up on all the latest gadgets-and can't understand why everyone doesn't have them! C'mon people-do you think I don't take this personally??? Do you think I don't know that you are not getting back to me cause you don't want to do it? Or are afraid to say NO to me? Well, I need to know so I can find someone else or cancel! Good God-why is it so difficult? Then they say-oh-I didn't get your text...blah blah when you call them. (I am NOT tied to my phone and I tell everyone that I am not. Call my house-I am ALWAYS here with mom. If you text me or call my cell, I don't know when I will notice. Probably the next time I go out-cause that is what I have it for. I even had a message on there that the cell phone was only for emergencies-for ME to call out on if needed-or that I take out with me when I get away from home and whoever is with mom can call me with questions or help.) But these people who LIVE on their cell phone and don't pick up or return calls or texts-I just want to throttle! I know they know why I am calling...I always need something! Most of the time it is just to hear the sound of someones voice that is not repeating the same story or asking for help all the time! So why not avoid my calls? I should be used to it but it just got to me today!!!! Thanks for letting me vent!!!!! Mame
Cattails, UTI??? Mom always lists to the left and can't walk when she has a UTI. Are his diapers very dark and more smelly than usual? get a sample to the lab before he gets worse!!! as for crazy behavior, Mom pulls on her index finger until it turns purple. I ask if it hurts and she says yes, but won't stop twisting, pulling and yanking on that one finger. They feel pain, but it doesn't register as it should. It is impossible for us to watch them 24/7 and accidents will happen whether they are at home or in NH. They have no concept of the danger they are putting themselves in. It's fruitless to blame ourselves when they do get hurt. They sometimes act so fast, even if we are right next to them they can still fall or get hurt. I will tell all of you that you must realize that they can get into things faster than young children. Turn on stoves, stuff the toilet, leave the fridge open, wander off and get lost. 3 years ago I finally had double locking deadbolts put on Mom's doors and 2 years ago I got her a wheelchair to keep her safe. She has PD and is weak on the left side, causing her to lose her balance easily. Many falls and injuries later, belting her in a wheelchair was the only option left to keep her safe. I had to but a Merry Walker so that she could go to daycare. It's a special kind they use in institutions. She used to get up during the night and I would find her on the floor in all kinds of strange places and positions. I got a bed rail and put pillows under her mattress pad to corral her in for the night. Her arms go over the top sheet so she can't pull her diapers apart and the sheet corner gets tied to the rail. She used to fight the wheelchair and the bed setup, but has long since become conditioned to both. Seroquel puts her out for the night so I can get some rest. I have 2 cameras that I can watch her from on my laptop, and an infrared one in the bedroom for at night. These have saved me much aggravation over the past 3 years. My older sister lives in Virginia and we are in Mass., so her contribution was the cameras and software. I guess what I'm trying to say is this, don't fool yourself into thinking you can do this long term until you really understand the magnitude of what dementia/alz. are really all about. You can't fix it. It doesn't get better. Understand that instructions don't sink in to their brains. Sooner rather than later, you have to take measures to keep them safe and yes, doing just about everything for them will save on your health and nerves in the long run. Thinking that you can let them be independent a bit longer may backfire on you in the end. the main objective here is to keep them and you and your family safe. I've learned a lot in the past 5 years, mostly that I want this to be over soon. But I chose this path and have to stick with it the best way I know how. I have been on this thread since early 2010 and I stopped writing for a while, but I will try to help any of you as best I can. Becoming a caregiver is not a choice to make lightly. It's very exhausting. It consumes you. But once you make that choice, be sure to learn everything you can about dementia. It will make a difference in how you provide care for your loved one. Hope I helped all of you in some way. Kathy
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Nevertheless, I think of the taxi story as a message that taking a small extra step to help another, even when you are at the end of your shift, end of your rope, or whatever, can be meaningful. We all have our stories and troubles. You never know how a random act of patience or kindness will affect the life of a total stranger.
Well, today was a mysterious poop day. Just couldn't get him to the toilet in time. Got him on the toilet and proceeded to get the depends off and the PJ bottoms and the slippers and the socks. Went to his dresser to get clean clothes and there was a big pile of poop sitting on the carpet. Holy crap, how did that get there. My dad is a shit magician. Gonna call him Poodini from now on. Talk about your super moon. Taxi please.
Hugs to all, Cattails.
luvCuz
I had something else going on inside me at the time that I was "angry" and venting. I say that with quotations, because on another thread mommag said "Anger is fear in disguise". For the first time I left mom with a caregiver that I don't know. I had to buck up and find a companion company. I am realizing that for my sanity, I need to get out more and that I can't always rely on the 6 siblings. I am terrified that mom won't be taken care of (like I would take care of her...) I am untrusting about leaving mom with someone I don't know...and afraid they are going to snoop and steal stuff. With the aids that I have had when she was having some bad times health wise-they were texting or snooping or not showing up! My counselor-who knows I will not put mom in a home (at this time) asked me, "what are you willing to give up in order to be happy?" So, although it brings with it anxiety for now till I am used to it and feel safer about it, I am giving up some control-by hiring a companion I don't know to hang out with mom so I can have a few hours a week. Many of you have done this already and are ok with it-but it is new to me. When we decide to be a cargiver-we have expectations, whether we realize it or not. When those expectations are not fulfilled-we are disappointed. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought my family and I could do this-no problem-no outside help-there are 7 of us kids! The reality of this has been sinking in but getting that outside caregiver made it really hit home. So, I was angry and then when the sibs didn't answer my texts-and all I needed was an answer! it just put me over the edge...I was angry-but probably more scared at this new person in our lives and how it would go. Well-deep breath-it all went well. Mom seems well cared for and even said she liked her! And, nothing seems to be missing... As for my family expectations- "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them." And all of us on this website can attest to that-am I right? Anyway-thanks for your words of encouragement and for being here when I need you! Leaving her with this woman will get better in time and the fear will go. I am already not as angry as I was! Mame
Love all you guys and man oh man I cried my eyes out at that story about the lady in the cab.
And thinking of that I wanted to say that Ted's mom passed away night before last. She was at on hospice at home with Ted and in no pain. Free at last.
lovbob
Still alive here, Glad Deefer you are back on the bring it on side know things are crazy hard for you there and hope some relief is coming....My moms so wiped out she slept through fp getting up so I handled him today.
Judy, you are right about the "super moon". Hope we have clear skies for viewing.
Got start my chores, take my walk, then knit for my sanity. Merry is here today to sit with mom. YAY!!!!!
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A NYC Taxi driver wrote:
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
Cattails and Meanwhile2, the POLST protocol is what we did with my MIL Betty and she to wanted to stay at home and die there. I had Hospice coming the last 3 weeks but I still did everything because back then I didn't know Hospice would actually help with bathing etc. and they didn't offer. It was hard but I have no regrets. Betty had her full mental capacity and at least she got to stay at home and die in peace. The day she died I collapsed from exhaustion and it took me a full year to recover physically. She was my first to care for and the most needy. I am glad that at the time I was able to get through that and help her but there is no way I would ever go through that again (to that degree).
Deef... "Super Moon" what is it supposed to mean?
Okay I'm outta here for now, everyone watch out for boob poking fingers! Butts squirting poop!! and false teeth sprouting plants!!! Whoohoo... the good life!
Love and Hugs,
Cricketღ
Cattails, getting his urine checked is a good thing. I've seen Mom go downhill fast while we try to decide if that's the problem.
By the way everyone, Supposed to be a "Super Moon" this weekend. Bring it on!!!!
Cattails, I agree with your version of a DNR. When I worked in the hospital, would see family bring in an elderly patient that was refusing to eat. Usually the patient didn't want to live anymore, it was getting close to the end. Sometimes that was very hard for the family to accept. Then the Dr would put in a feeding tube, that ended up getting infected, or they spent hours trying to force the patient to eat, and they just wanted to be left alone. Of course, my husband made me promise that I would let him die at home. Was hard to do. There at the end just an IV might have kept him alive for several more days, but he was flat on his back, didn't know who I was, didn't know where he was. The cancer had gone to his brain, it took his sight, and his hearing the last week, and I knew he didn't want to linger like that. I wouldn't want to live like that either. I bet your Dad feels the same way.
Deef: Thanks for the tip on the UTI. His urine in normal and no odd smell at all. This afternoon he was much more animated and cooperative with the care giver. Laughed, joked and took his shower like a good boy. Had a shave and lunch and took his afternoon siesta. Nevertheless, I think I will go to the doc's office and get a sterile cup, bring it home, get a urine sample and take it back for analysis. You just never know.
I'm going to mention something here. It may seem heartless and if it offends anyone, you should feel free to share your feelings on the topic. You won't hurt mine. It's just the way I see it.
I have an order from my dad's doctor. It's called a POLST Directive and it is signed by me and the doc. POLST stands for Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment. My dad's order calls for comfort care only. It gives directions to EMT and hospital staff that he is not to be treated with antibiotics for pneumonia (OK for UTI's), no feeding tube, no breathing tube, etc. He can have oxygen, oral suction and manual treatment of airway obstruction as needed for comfort.
My dad is not living the life he would have wanted when he was well and could state his opinions. I don't believe my job is to keep him going through every complication. I'm just here to keep him safe and comfortable. I will feed him, wipe his fanny, tuck him in at night with kisses and I love yous. I certainly would never neglect a comfort need, but I will not intervene in nature taking it's course.
I'm quite comfortable with this, but some of you may see it differently. To each his own and I certainly honor your feelings as it applies to you and those in your care.
Got baby goslings on the pond now. Proud parents with 5 little ones. I expect we will have another set of parents and additional babies. We had 24 bull elk hanging around the past few days. I feel so blessed that I can look out my kitchen window and see this. How lucky am I?
Mame, I agree with Cricket. Just tell them what you told us. How more honest can you be. The way you said it was perfect.
Love to everyone, Cattails.
There are so many newbie's here! Welcome to Mame, Betty, Brook, Judy, Di, Cindretha, Barbryan and tbailey!
It took me an hour and a half to catch up with all the posts and I must say that the gross story's had me laughing while at the same time feeling grossed out.
Mame, I think you should tell it straight out to your family, exactly how you said it here. Even if it goes in one ear and out the other with them, at least you will feel better for saying it.
Betty, I have a suggestion about dinner with the FIL (evil cricket is let out) I would get a booth all to myself where I could see my DH and with FIL's back to me, and with a glass of wine in one hand, whenever DH glanced my way I would smile and show him my middle finger! Hah! Okay, bad cricket is back in her box now :)
I am however constantly amazed at how others think they can just dump their responsibility of caregiving on us because we are the "woman" or the nice one, that is just plain BS! Okay I lied...bad Cricket is in the box but the lid is off of it.
I am totally with Bobbie on the NH when they get to a certain point. We need to recognize our own life's value and worth, and many of us are at an age where we did our job raising our own children, worked all our lives and by God it's our turn to live a little! I have concluded that I will continue to care for Dad as long as I can continue to have some kind of a life of my own as well, but once his care demands more I will seek out an alternative solution...well that's my story and I'm sticking to it! It's good to be back and to see so many posts.
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
as for crazy behavior, Mom pulls on her index finger until it turns purple. I ask if it hurts and she says yes, but won't stop twisting, pulling and yanking on that one finger. They feel pain, but it doesn't register as it should.
It is impossible for us to watch them 24/7 and accidents will happen whether they are at home or in NH. They have no concept of the danger they are putting themselves in. It's fruitless to blame ourselves when they do get hurt. They sometimes act so fast, even if we are right next to them they can still fall or get hurt. I will tell all of you that you must realize that they can get into things faster than young children. Turn on stoves, stuff the toilet, leave the fridge open, wander off and get lost.
3 years ago I finally had double locking deadbolts put on Mom's doors and 2 years ago I got her a wheelchair to keep her safe. She has PD and is weak on the left side, causing her to lose her balance easily. Many falls and injuries later, belting her in a wheelchair was the only option left to keep her safe. I had to but a Merry Walker so that she could go to daycare. It's a special kind they use in institutions. She used to get up during the night and I would find her on the floor in all kinds of strange places and positions. I got a bed rail and put pillows under her mattress pad to corral her in for the night. Her arms go over the top sheet so she can't pull her diapers apart and the sheet corner gets tied to the rail.
She used to fight the wheelchair and the bed setup, but has long since become conditioned to both. Seroquel puts her out for the night so I can get some rest.
I have 2 cameras that I can watch her from on my laptop, and an infrared one in the bedroom for at night. These have saved me much aggravation over the past 3 years. My older sister lives in Virginia and we are in Mass., so her contribution was the cameras and software.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this, don't fool yourself into thinking you can do this long term until you really understand the magnitude of what dementia/alz. are really all about. You can't fix it. It doesn't get better. Understand that instructions don't sink in to their brains. Sooner rather than later, you have to take measures to keep them safe and yes, doing just about everything for them will save on your health and nerves in the long run. Thinking that you can let them be independent a bit longer may backfire on you in the end. the main objective here is to keep them and you and your family safe.
I've learned a lot in the past 5 years, mostly that I want this to be over soon. But I chose this path and have to stick with it the best way I know how. I have been on this thread since early 2010 and I stopped writing for a while, but I will try to help any of you as best I can. Becoming a caregiver is not a choice to make lightly. It's very exhausting. It consumes you. But once you make that choice, be sure to learn everything you can about dementia. It will make a difference in how you provide care for your loved one.
Hope I helped all of you in some way. Kathy