Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Thanks, lildeb. I did tell DH that from now on I will help in every aspect of transporting FIL to fancy restaurants -- it takes FIL 20 minutes to locomote a single block b/c all he does all day is sit and watch TV, despite multiple doctors' orders to get up and walk around -- but I also said that I will not be staying for the meal, and bon appetit. I did say that if it's a question of a celebration dinner of some kind, I will attend so as not to embarrass him or his father in front of other family members. DH asked me, "But wasn't it disgusting sometimes when you were caring for your mom?" I said, "Sure it was. Objectively, yes. But I had known my mother my entire life, and I loved my mom." I did not point out that I had spent maybe a couple of hours with FIL on maybe 15 different occasions over a period of 12 years before FIL suddenly showed up as a pernanent resident in the middle of my life. I did not add that I have my own father, 92, who lives 2,000 miles away. DH has a "daddy's girl" sister who is 60 years old and lives 90 minutes away and does nothing for FIL even though he still makes her car payment and pays her house taxes and sends her an allowance, recently "reduced" to about $750 in view of his own changing circumstances. (She works full time in a secure job; DH and I scratch it out as freelancers, and we rent.) On the rare occasions when she visits FIL, it's usually because there is something else going on around here that she wants to do (go to a basketball game, etc.), and while she is here, all she does is make work by demanding to be taken to particular restaurants, and demanding to be taken shopping at the mall or the outlet center on the way here and on the way back, usually with FIL's dwindling stash o' cash. (Sister-in-law refuses to drive, which means that DH drives 90 miles to her house and 90 miles back to pick up and return SIL's entitled butt -- his choice, since he says it's "easier" than watching SIL pitch an adult tantrum when she doesn't get her way.) Oh well, so much for family dynamics on a beautiful Monday morning!

Deefer, so your mom a streaker while eating, thats too funny but I know it had to be very embarrassing for you two and I would had done the same and got her dress n ran fast I can. Luckly, my mnl is in moderate stage and have no real gross problems with her denture just yet. She does fall a sleep in the chair for a nappy poo and she looks like she is catching flies. The snoring will wake her up and she will swear that the never takes a nap. As for the fart issues, let em rip! Just not in your face. I have to take a prescription to help relieve me when I get all bloated and I feel like I'm 9 months pg. I say, let em rip but at least in another room. Away from all jokes, It's a shame how they slowly lose the function of their mind and physical actions too. I just hope I will be able to handle all the physical, mental and psychological stuff that is needed to help mnl as the AD starts to progress. Enough of the depression stuff, it is already 84 degree here in GA. I hope everyone has a very nice and blessed day and smile for it takes more muscle to frown. : )

BettyB, what about camcording your fil and let the dr get to see the gross out part and maybe he would change is attitude. ; ) In addition, you can tell your hubby that he can take him out and it can be a son and dad time outs for dinner. That way, you would get a break from the gross out manners and a break away as a care-giver. After they go out to dinner, why not take yourself out to a dinner and enjoy the atomsphere. You deserve a break. ; )

Brooke-No one really knows what they are getting into until they do it. Because of your mom's age-she could be with you for 20 years or more. Although I think it is a good lesson for kids to see us taking care of our parents, yours are very young and she is already in a bad way. (My kids were older than yours and my mom was somewhat healthy-physically and mentally 8 years ago) Caregiving is very stressful and demanding. You have to think of yourself and your kids first. Your mom is only going to get worse. If you are even thinking of keeping her-you are going to need help and a lot of it! There are adult day cares she can go to so you can have your day with your kids or work or whatever. There are services that can stay at night if she is up a lot. You need your sleep for your kids! You have to get help in right away. Don't wait until you are about to crack. Family-well, we learn a lot about our families during this period in our lives. Sometimes they are a big disappointment. It is all so unfair and sad. I have to admit that I do agree with Bobbie-your mom is already so far gone and you have such a responsibility to your children...I don't know how you can do both and give everyone-including yourself-what you all need. What is our responsibility to our parents? To find them a safe place to live when they can't care for themselves any longer. To treat them with dignity and respect. It is not our obligation to give up everything for them. Brooke, enjoy your children and let them enjoy you. Find a place for your mom, visit when you can and know that you are keeping her safe and she is in the best place for all of you. The insanity of caregiving will be seen by those babies of yours-and may cause resentment in them at a very early age being that she is sooo needy already. It may not be what you want to do, but it may be what is best for all. I will say some prayers for you! Keep us posted on how things are going!
And to everyone one of us out there-make sure you have a plan for when you become a person who needs care! I have already made it very clear to my kids that I do not want them to keep me in their homes. I know they love me-but this is a tremendous hardship to place on someone. Mame

Good Morning Crew,

Good Morning Brooke. Welcome to the Grossed Out Thread. I am so sorry about your mom. I hope you can see and process that you are not going to be able to deal with this and with 4 little boys and will need to place your mom in a lovely board and care. She sounds like she is past 'assisted living'.
So many will tell you to buck up, or that 'you can do it'. Screw that. Start looking for alternatives.
Here on this site there are links to sites like 'A Place for Mom' and there are some wonderful facilities out there.
I have been through this and it is a progressive disease and only gets worse. If you and your family begin to plan now you could have her placed within a month to 6 weeks. If you try and deal with this while attempting to raise your sons they get to miss out on childhood and you get to miss out on sanity.

No one wants to say: put her in a home, but that is exactly where you might want to head. The key is caregiver to patient ratio. 3 to 1 is good because that means she will sit wet for a shorter period.
She is Demented so will argue, not wash herself, and show you a host of behaviors that you can't even imagine.
Your anger at her husband and your brothers is well founded. You might find out that her husband has symptoms of Dementia as well. Do they have any black toxic mold in their house? That was one of the things that got my folks.
So what's up with her getting dropped at your house? And ya, they did drop her with you because they didn't want to deal with it. Welcome to caregiving.

Brooke, all I can tell you is that I gave up my career to care for my demented mom, was her caregiver for almost 6 years and it almost killed me. No joke. She has been dead for almost two years and when people say to me, "But I know you'd do it again...' I just respond with:
What! Are you high?? I would NEVER do this again and I will spend the little energy I have to try and convince other people to not do it either. Like I said in an earlier post: If I can stop another innocent lamb from being led to the slaughter by their selfish families, I will try.
While you still have some energy start the placement process. Your mom is going to hate it and so what. It just is. Save yourself and save your family.

It's good to see DEEF!!! wassup stuff!

cattails, you are doing a great job on the thread and it is so good to see everybody and the new folks. This is a topic that some can't handle but boy oh boy when you finally see it in real time you know what we're griping about over here.

Jen!! Wish you could just come to the boat. I have an idea.... Why don't you just call Adult Protective Services on fart pants and get him out of the house? ugh. When will the world understand that it is not ok for demented people to run over everyone else.

MAXINE! good to see you girl. (that's Austin)

ok, I have boat stories but will tell them later. Have another doctor's appointment for the post traumatic stress I happened to pick up with caregiving.

Brooke! get her out of your house and live your life. No, I'm not the devil for suggesting such a thing but I am a serious advocate for caregivers and those about to be sucked into caregiving because of idiot siblings. Sorry if I insulted you or your siblings.

lovbob

and, every time I go to Starbucks for us (a rare treat, because of our large family) she drinks her coffee and 'sips' mine, yet refuses to brush her teeth for 2 weeks "because I just did!". I can't believe I have to force this hygiene stuff on her...she's like a different person.

My mother came her 4 weeks ago because I suspected she had a stroke. It's since been diagnosed as early onset dementia. She doesn't shower, wore the same pair of depends for 6 days (before I realized what was happening). Now I get to change her every day. She'll just stand in the shower not washing anything. I have to go in and wash her. She went two weeks without brushing her teeth...I had no idea what I was getting myself (and my family) into. She's 66!
I know this sounds horrible but I'm so upset with her husband and my brothers for not telling me how quickly she's declined, how much care she really needs. I have four little boys and she just follows me around, if I quit walking she bumps into me.
I know this is nothing compared to what most of you are going through, but I am overwhelmed. I feel like they just dropped her on my doorstep because they don't want to deal with it. Her husband didn't even call to find out her MRI/Neurologist results for over a week!

Oh god jen. It will end. It will end. And you are NOT wrong to wish that it would.

AND THEN HE TURNED THE GOD DAMN AIR PURIFIER OFF AFTER AN HOUR! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! I AM SO GAD DAMN SICK OF HIM...HE WENT TO BED AND I WAITED AN CREPT IN PULLED MY SHIRT OVER MY NOSE AND TURNED IT BACK ON! IT ALREADY STUNK TO HIGH HELL AFTER HAVING THE DOOR CLOSED FOR FORTY MINUTES!!! AND I TOOK OUT ALL THE POOPY DIAPERS HOURS AGO!!!! GOD I BEG YOU MAKE THIS END, KILL HIM, KILL ME, BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!!! PLEASE JUST MAKE THIS END!!!!

JUST MAKE IT END..............................................

Here's an idea. Let's all save our monitors and after our parents have passed, let's get together, make a big batch of margaritas and smash monitors. (We could even include some false teeth.)

Oh Diane and Cattails-I have felt so guilty over the years-not being able to get anything done-cause every time I start something she calls me to come do something for her! Things are started everywhere! And my hubby has been so wonderful about not getting upset about it! But somehow I still feel guilty! And a nap! Good God! Isn't that a wonderful thing! And even better when someone is around to take the monitor so I don't have to hear her TV station so loud as I try and sleep! One day my sister came over and she couldn't believe how excited I was to go take a nap without the monitor! No noise-no worry-no waiting for her to call out! I told my hubby that when mother does die, I am taking a hammer to that monitor and it will end up in the tiniest of pieces-NEVER to be heard from again!!!!! Good night all!

Diane: I have to tell you something. Last week, I took the first nap I have ever taken in the past year. I was just so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. My husband happen to be home so I asked if he would mind holding down the fort. I went upstairs and closed the bedroom door.....in broad daylight no less. It was so quiet and peaceful. I felt like I was a hundred miles away from all possible troubles. I slept for 3 hours. Hubby did lunch for dad and it was like a mini vacation.

Hugs, Cattails.

Thank goodness mom isn't to the stage of eating "leftovers" from her false teeth. GROSS!!! I get grossed out by false teeth on a good day.
I'm still trying to keep the black hole at bay. Sister arrives on Wednesday and I'm bracing for whatever crap she plans to stir up. The harder I try to be patient with mom, the more irritating her behaviors get. Mom fell on Friday when my brother was here and I've noticed since then she is leaning to the right. She stands & sits leaning to the right. I'm going to call the doc tomorrow and see if she thinks it was a a TIA that may have caused the fall and the leaning.
On the positive side I did get to go back to bed and sleep for 3.5 hours today. Spend the rest of the day puttering around in the yard while mom sat outside with me. Then put together some stuff for my garage sale on May 12th. Its hard to get anything done when mom needs something every few minutes.

Well, let me see if I can get a few more things dome before I call it a night. Sweet dreams all.

Love ya,
Diane

Cindretha: I'm really so sorry about your mom and I can understand that you are beyond humor. All you have now is the shell of your mom with some little remaining threads that can still feel embarrassed. How very sad. It's a terrible disease. Hugs, Cattails.

And hugs to everyone. I hope we all get a good night sleep and that tomorrow will be a better day.

And now for the gross part of her life: there's no dignity in sitting in wet or pooped in pants, and then denying she should change her clothes! She always says she's just been to the bathroom whenever she's asked, or flat refuses when told to "powder her nose" before going to meals. It's smelly, it's gross, and flat out disgusting! The aides at her AL center can "encourage" her to go, change, etc., but if she flat refuses then they're done. That's above their pay grade I guess!

Her upper denture rides in her bra most days. Since she never would go for fittings or adjustments, the plate never fit her mouth so she chose not to wear it, but keeps it on her. We've found it on the floor, on the table under a snotty kleenex, and UNDER HER BED.

Aging isn't for sissies, so I'd been told since I was a kid, but it's also not for the faint-hearted care-givers! You see, smell, and witness it all! Unfortunately, we're beyond humor now where mom is concerned. She's offended if you try laughter, and is embarrassed the rest of the time so resorts to denial, IF she's still talking to you! Beligerence: thy name is MOM.

We're finally at the point where mom doesn't know me anymore. While that was a little hurtful, it's nothing compared to seeing my mom as the empty shell of the woman she was for so many years: active, alert, busy, socially active, a strong woman, ahead of her time basically. I admit, and am proud, I inherited much of my strength from her. I only hope she passes quietly in her sleep so she can at least go out with what little dignity she has left.

Oh, Betty, what a hoot. I laughed out loud at your "gratuitous bouts of disgust". No kidding. You just made my day.

195Austin, that's an interesting point. There is a kind of belligerence and FU factor to my FIL's behavior around this, though I would probably call it passive aggression. Anyway, best not to take it personally at all, in any way. If I'm going to be helpful in this situation overall, I need to be coming from a more openhearted place, and that place is better protected if I'm not opening myself to gratuitous bouts of disgust (as opposed to all the disgust-fests that just can't be helped).

I can not wait to see if he goes with his father by himself-he should you are not telling him not to go just it grosses you out and you should not have to endure that behaivor-or maybe Pop will not act that way if they are alone-interesting.

BettyB, Does DH stand for Dear Husband? Maybe you should change it to DA for Dumb Ass! Bet you dimes to dollars he would NOT go out to eat with his father alone! Then he would have to be embarrassed all by himself.

Oh God, you lost me at licking dentures, must go barf copiously now!!!!

Good morning all! My mom takes her teeth out for bed and licks them before she puts them in the little cup-ugh! I told her not to do that and she looked at me like I was crazy and asked "why not?". Totally grosses me out!
Farts are hysterical in this house...as she gets terribly embarrassed so we make light of it...or blame the dog...She thinks that is sooo funny. Yesterday she had a terrible bout of diahrrea and felt terrible that it happened...I just looked at her and said "Shit happens mom" and she was doubled over laughing! What else can we do??? Laughter is the best medicine!

Betty...I agree with Cattails and Austin - you probably should exclude yourself from the dinner outings with your father in law because you can't change him, and honestly, you shouldn't have to endure grossness of that magnitude! The only thing, is that your husband might be hurt over it. I guess I'd be frank with my husband and tell him that its money wasted on a dinner that I can't enjoy and that he'd benefit from the time alone with his dad anyway. You're in a tough spot, really. If you go to dinner, its a vile experience. If you avoid it, your husband might be upset that you're hurting his dad's feelings or his feelings. One thing is for sure, you're not going to change the old man, so you've got to change what you can subject yourself to. I don't envy you on this!

Right go somewhere down the street of micky D's anywhere else you might find another person eating alone who would enjoy visiting with you.

Betty: Don't let DH shame you. You don't have to be the judge of your father in law. You can just be the judge of you. You don't have the stomach for it. You don't want to be part of the dining out with father in law. It makes you sick and you can't enjoy your meal. It's very simple. You won't impose on fil terrible manners, but you will not go to a restaurant in the future with him. Done, finished, over and out. DH and fil can enjoy their meals together. You are out of there.

Thanks for the support, everyone. So glad I found the Grossout thread. Now I can laugh (and not just gag). Love the idea of the wind-up false teeth! Maybe I will try that. So far what I have tried is to be tactful. I've offered FIL a few preemptive toothpicks as we enter a restaurant, and last time we went out I passed a small sealed packet of tissues across the table to him, "because I've noticed that sometimes you need to blow your nose and get stuck using your napkin." Nothing doing, though -- same old same old -- and not only that, DH chastised me for "ruining" his dad's outing by "shaming" him! DH doesn't seem to grasp the extent to which, on a GOOD day, his dad's disgusting table manners must be turning stomachs left and right at some very nice restaurants. Seriously, I wonder if he's waiting until some restaurant manager kicks us to the curb.

Judy, lildeb, deef, meanwhile and of course Betty: Thanks for the laughs. You guys really know how to gross a person out. Ha Ha!!! I'll go to bed laughing tonight.

Hugs, Cattails

I work part time at a Dentist office. Once in awhile we get some elderly person in that has no sense of hygiene anymore. I've seen teeth covered with thick slime. Of course they start to get lots of cavities when they get like that. And, the breath would knock over a horse. Had an old lady one day, pull her skirt all the way up, and ask the Doctor if he could fix her hip.
Oh the triplet goats are doing well. The runt was the smallest goat kid I've ever seen, only 3 and half pounds. By comparison the other 2 were 8 and 6 pounds. But, the little guy is a fighter. Have given him some extra bottles, and now he is nursing on his own, getting stronger.
Changed the oil in the ranch truck this afternoon, it is a diesel. Really messy, have to get a shower, then bed for me too.

I gag over Mom's false teeth all the time!!! She sits in her wheelchair with them hanging down in her mouth, huge gobs of drool sliding down her chin. She no longer "gets" the taking them out at night to clean them. Even though she spends most of her day with her mouth hanging open, she clamps it tight when it's time to eat or take them suckers out. They are always covered in slime and really make me gag first thing in the morning. I have to clean them because she has no clue about hygiene anymore.
As for restaurants, the last time Merry and I took her to Taco Bell, was on the way home from a doctor appointment about 2 years ago. We were busy eating and didn't realize she had all but taken her shirt off in the restaurant. Her arms were out and it was almost over her head when we noticed what she was doing. We sure got out of there fast!!!
As for farting, Mom always seems to let loose when we are bent over wiping her butt! She laughs harder than we do.
Seems the UTI is a thing of the past and she is a bit more coherent than she was the last couple weeks. If she would only stop licking her fingers!!!
Cattails, Christina, thanks for the invites to visit. I would love to meet all of you. My next big trip is already promised to Rip again, and we plan on visiting with Jen this time. Maybe S.C. someday. My older sister is in Virginia and a best friend is in Portsmouth,Va. S.C. could be part of my east coast trip. A drive down the west coast is a dream of my husband's, so maybe someday, Ca. could be a possibility!
Okay, got a sink full of dishes, then make sure Mom is out for the night, then bed for me!!!

Haha! Thanks, deb! I'm trying to get that whole Nana-licking-her-false-teeth visual out of my head. Gives me goosebumps. This week seems to be fart week with my mother. I'm going to withhold the raisins or bran. I just said, in a caregiver story, how I feel like we're being trailed by a duck wherever we go. Poor Mom. She finds it so humiliating. Usually, her constant string of complaints, which has become her only form of conversation, drives me insane. I leave her house with a stiff neck and a headache from the tension of it all. Its always a pity party with her. Anyway, the farting has provided some comic relief this week. On second thought... maybe I should make sure she gets plenty of raisins so we can keep that duck trailling her. This has been a pretty good week!