Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

My MIL tells me I would also make a good nurse. She says I am patient, and understanding, and intuitive to others needs. She is always urging me to go to school and get my CNA and get a degree in nursing. I can't seem to make her understand that I really don't want to do this for a living.
I am going to school. I start on May 21. my classes go until Dec. I am so excited. The school courses work perfectly with my husband's and my schedules. I'll be going while my kids are in school. And my husband said he'll keep an eye on FIL for the one day that it conflicts with my schedule. He is so supportive. anyway, here's looking to the future with hope.

Welcome Mame: Your mom sounds like a great lady. I've never had the gag thing, guess I would have made a good nurse. My mother-in-law used to tell me that and said I missed my calling. Nevertheless, wiping butts was never on my wish list or bucket list. I want to be a free spirit someday and I don't mean in the after life, I mean in this one.

Christina, always love to hear from you.

Cricket: We need our chirps. How are you doing.

Deefer, every time I think of you, I remember that your husband lost his job last year. What does he do now? Maybe I shouldn't ask. I told my husband if he ever retires and thinks I will be fixing him breakfast and little sandwiches everyday, look by the front door and see MY bags and passport ready for my next dig. No way, Jose. When my Mom passes and my daughter is married, I'm outta here.
Even if it's a quick trip to Florida for the time being:) love, Christina xo

I am new to this website-and I just have to say-reading the last 2 pages of this thread-first time I have laughed in days!!!! Thank you!
And on a grossed out note:I am not a nurse. I never thought I would be cleaning up my mother after a bowel movement! When she started needing help several years ago, I did it. You just do right? Well, I couldn't help but gag-every time! I am telling you-it has been years now and guess what? Altho I don't gag as much-I still gag iif it is really nasty! And the kicker is-my mom is a nurse-and she LAUGHS at me EVERY time and tells me-I will never make a good nurse!!! She even tells other people how I gag-and laughs again! She is a hoot! And I admit, I laugh with her!

Hey there! In all my rantings yesterday, I forgot to add that my husband lost his job last February and I also have to deal with him being one step behind me all the time! Sometimes I just go outside and hide out for some peace and quiet. I had a covered backyard swing that I loved, but the metal gave way on the frame when I took it apart last fall. I found a better one online at Walmart and am going to order it next week. Can't wait to be able to go hide on my swing, especially at night when the stars are out.
Mom got up and behaved this morning before going to daycare. I hope the UTI is over! When I picked her up at daycare on Monday, she was a mess, drooling, head back and not wanting to sit in the car. Took 2 of us to get her in, then I had a heck of a time getting her into the house. She wouldn't eat supper, so I made her drink a can of Ensure. That was no problem because it's so sweet! Anyway, I was glad to get her to bed. Merry was here yesterday, so we did some yard work and took a walk. Tomorrow her new case worker from eldercare is coming to meet us at 10. Hate those damn visits. She has the same case worker for years, but she quit and this is the second one in 6 months.
Need to get a few things done before I pick up Mom. Hope everyone is having a good day. It was sunny here this morning, but showers are coming our way.
Linda, Happy Birthday!!! Wish I was 50 again.

Linda: Happy Birthday. Glad you and your sis had fun at the casino. Is this the sis that is married to the bil who has caregiver burnout? Who is he taking care of? I can see why they call you Lindaheart.

Glad you are having an up day. Don't answer my questions if the discussion will put a damper on your happiness today. Hugs, Cattails

hi there u all . just a quickie here .
had a nice 50th bday last sat , it was wonderful , no i didnt win at the casino but my sister did . proud of her ,,,
think my bil has finaly have the caregiver burnout . i dont think it ll last much longer , if thats the case i ll prob end up takin care of her , just my luck . ill do whatever the lord puts out in front of me .
deef - ur mom was alike my dad but only he doesnt give me hard time . gawd i miss my daddy .
jsomebody - big hugs to you dear . i wish all the best for you and for u to win the lottery . love u jenny girl . xoxo
you all take care and hugs to u all and ur parents .
i am doing ok . i have my ups and downs . today its up lalala . xoxo

Stop the insanity...I just can't fathom it all, any more is too much three years ago...When the Hell does it end? That's the kicker. No date to put on the calendar....

I am amazed at all that each of you do in your lives as caregivers. Shiela, Nothing, Marybeth, Deefer, Cricket, Lildeb, Angelhair, Jen and anyone I've left out. I can't tell each of you how much I respect and care about each of you. You are all amazing.

Mary I am so happy for you getting a break -maybe he will do it again.

Good Morning friends!! I just have to give a shoutout to a dear friend, Tommy who I worked with years ago at USAir. He called me at 730 in the morning yesterday and said he was on the way to pick up my father and take him to meet some other seniors for coffee and conversation! Tommy had never met my father , I started to say that he wont drink coffee, he wont want to meet anyone, but I said NOTHING. He came over and took off with him and it was the FIRST time in 18 months that I had a coupe of hours to m y s e l f. My father had a great time, thanked Tommy for coming over to get him...ooking forward to another time. God has blessed me with a wonderful friend and I am still reeling ( OK teary..) from this act of kindness.....Hope you all have a GREAT day..it's supposed to be sunny all day and in the 60's in rural Ohio. I plan to ride my new bike for miles..... take care friends :O) Mary Beth

Hi people, sorry to barge in, I'm trying to message Christina but can't figure it out. Also my email has changed . Computer wiz, I'm not. I'm still hanging in here with Mom, renters, and spring cleaning projects. Good luck to everyone today! luv ya, ssk

jsomebody ~ My husband does tries to bath with his clothes on too, especially if he has a poop diaper. The problem is that, once in the tub, he can't get out most of the time. I'm not strong enough to safely lift out a slippery, uncooperative man, so I have to call my snl or the fire department.

nothing ~ OMG! I have been thinking I was nuts lately, because I was positive my husband Alan has a UTI for the past TWO WEEKS, and the doctor wasn't giving it the attention I thought it deserved. The first specimen was thick, green and smelled like nothing I'd ever smelled before. The lab even questioned if it was in fact urine. Finally today, two specimens later and after I initiated the phone call, I got a script for an antibiotic. Because I'd relayed to her some of his symptoms, she was blathering on about hospice!! I felt fortunate that I knew the possible effects of a bad UTI before he was hooked up to feeding tubes!!! But to imagine that someone else was providing the specimen. Sorry I don't have an answer for you, but you KNOW something has to be done about your fil's interaction and control!

Cricket and lildeb ~ Alan moans and groans too, but not like complaining. Just the ghostly moan and groan as he's moving about. Drives me nuts.

Deefer and angelhair ~ Alan sometimes exhibits the same odd behaviors. The OCD, restlessness, eating with his hands, putting non-food or garbage food in his mouth, eating and drinking inappropriate things, like drinking a whole glass of flavored coffee creamer, putting milk in a bowl of lasagna, holding pills in his mouth (and he takes about a dozen at a time), rather than swallowing them, even though he doesn't have a swallowing issue.

Cattails ~ If you have any of your spring cleaning bug left, maybe you can come over and do some here. Seems my spring cleaning bug up and died, maybe when I was trying to get rid of the fruit fly invasion when Alan was shoving banana peels in between the couch and end table.

Meanwhile: I wish I could see Omaha. He must be so special. I hope all goes well for him and I know he is in the best of hands with you. Sorry about your step dad. The cataract surgery should be a no brainier if your mom is cooperative. Best wishes to you. Love, Cattails.

Mom needs cataract surgery. Shouldn't be a big deal, but Mom will figure out some way to make it a big deal. Still, I'm lucky she is still quite independent. Step Dad's not been feeling very well last couple of days. His diabetes is really bad, and COPD. Still he refuses to give up. Don't have to do much for my folks yet. Not like most everyone else.
The headstone for my husbands grave is supposed to be here Friday. I kept putting it off. His friend Indio finally made a metal cross, and welded a helmet on top. Set it in concrete at Sam's grave. They were both Marines.
Hit 95 degrees here today. Have to finish getting the garden planted. Didn't get much of a garden last year, with Sam being sick. So trying to get it back in shape, with lots of compost. That is an advantage of having horses and goats- free compost. The horse with the cougar bite is slowly getting better since the surgery. The Vet said it could take 6 months for his nose to heal up. So just have to be patient. Omaha, (the horse), gives me less trouble than a lot of your parents. Have to clean the wound, and put antibiotics on it twice a day. He is really sweet about it.
Hope everyone has a quiet easy week. Love. Meanwhile

Deefer: I don't know how you do it. You are a saint. Taking care of my dad is a flipping walk in the park compared to what you are doing. He can't do anything but eat, still it's so simple compared to all the complications you deal with. My heart goes out to you.

Cricket: On your third parent. How old are you???? I can't imagine, but I'm grateful that your fil, Charley, was nice. Who was before him?

I've decided it's time for Spring cleaning. Don't take this lightly because I have kind of let things go since my dad moved in with us. I just can't get motivated when I feel like I'm camping out in my own home. Between the dogs running in and out and my dad with his needs, I just hate to think that the highlight of my day is cleaning house, especially when I feel like a prisoner.

Well, I'm reclaiming my space. Our kitchen has white painted cabinets, which I love, so today I started with a cleaning solution of ammonia, vinegar, water and baking soda. OMG does it ever work. My cabinets look like the day I moved in. Got lots and lots of cabinets, so will be working on them for a couple of more days. I'm not busting my butt, just taking my time and a few breaks here and there. Just enjoying the process.

Walls and ceilings are on the list. Every fricking inch of this place is going to get a flipping butt shine.

Lots of love to all of you amazing people. Angelhair, glad to hear that FIL's son has a shot at correction and improvement. Good news is always welcomed.

Hey, Jan. I can send you the cleaning recipe. Maybe it would work on Fart Pants.

Love to everyone, Cattails.

Anglehair, glad that y'all found out the cause of your fil stroke. I thought it was werid that they said it is not uncommon to have a hole in his heart. Stuff I read on here sometimes just blows my mind.

Deefer, I had no idea that PD can cause several unpleasnt symptoms like, anxiety, hallucinations and depression. I couldn't imagn how your mom feels and it has to be aweful for her where she cannot just spit out what is wrong with her due to AD and Pd. I know when my mnl had her potassium drop drastically, she was admitted in hospital for about 3 -4 days for they had to strap her down! She wanted to fight everyone and ripping I.V's out and was yelling ar her son that he was trying to kill her. The doctor told us to try and ignore her for she was not all in her head due to low potassium. amazing how things like this can get off balance and make love one's seem crazy sometimes.

deefer12, your mom sounds exactly like my father in law in every way. He's all over the place too. With the food thing he always tries to make a mess all over the place and he's either putting food in his milk or pouring his milk on his food. Just today he tried to bite the head off of a little squishy einstien. There is no rhyme or reason at all anymore. Keep a stiff upper lip and remember we are all here for you.

We found out what caused my FIL's son to have a stroke. The doctor said that he has a hole in his heart. They said it isn't uncommon and that he should be fine. Thank goodness.

I can tell you about gross!!!! Mom started getting weird about 6 years ago. Anxiety, depression, crazy behaviors, you name it! We thought it was the xanax she was taking and when she got really bad, we even had her committed to see if they could get to the root of her problems. This is a woman who had raised 7 children, lost her husband at the young age of 54, and took care of a 4 family house practically on her own. She never drove, so I became her chauffeur after dad died. My 2 youngest sibs still lived at home.
Long story, short, she had PD and all of the anxiety, hallucinations and depression that comes with it. The really crazy times, we came to know as the UTI periods.
If you don't already know this, the elderly can become completely changed due to a UTI. It can kill them if untreated. It took us a couple years to finally realize almost immediately when she would get a UTI. One of the first signs is the way she cannot sit up straight. The second is the dark and nasty smelling diapers!!! Third is the belligerence in her attitude. She is just getting over another one and it was like UTI and full moon at the same time for a week. Nearly killed myself just transporting her from the wheelchair to the toilet, to the bed.
The worst thing everyone in our position can do is expect the ones we are caring for to be able to do things for themselves. Dementia only gets worse and they can do less and less no matter how hard we try. When I finally decided to keep Mom safe by restraining her in a wheelchair, and doing more for her, things got easier for both of us. Trying to help them remember how to do things just confuses them even more and makes them angry and sad when they can't do what we ask.
Mom has not been able to walk, toilet, feed herself, dress or even do simple things like fold towels, for over a year now. She is super OCD and never stops moving. Trying to feed, wash and dress her is super stressful because of this. She won't sit still on the toilet, so we have to hold her there by putting our hand on her forehead. When we are dressing her, she tries to take the clothes back off. She will not open her mouth to take her meds or to eat and every effort to medicate and feed her is a major challenge. Trying to get her dentures into her mouth is a challenge, but getting them out is down right impossible! Throughout the day, you will catch her with them hanging down in her mouth as thick drool runs down her chin. She puts her hands in her food and rubs it all over the table. She puts her food in her drink glass and takes pieces of food out of her mouth because she doesn't know what it is. As for getting into her own poo, that doesn't happen much anymore because we are right there with her. When she has a blowout in her pants, it gets tough. If I am alone, I may end up with it on me due to her roving hands.
She now has the habit of sucking her fingers and will bend over and pick things up off the floor and put them right into her mouth. She tries to take her pills out of her mouth and uses her drool to clean the furniture!!!
I can say that I sympathize with everyone and know what you are going through and I can also tell you that it never gets better, just worse. Be prepared and don't be too hard on yourself if you lose patience, compassion and your sanity every once and a while. Tis the nature of the beast!

Cricket, we need to get your fil with my mnl and let them to moan and groan and cuss to each other. ;) I guess they have become more needed and comfortable with us being we are with them 24/7. I would had love to have gone to that car-show for I the love old antiques and the sporty models. Thanks for advice for the earphones for that is a good idea and i can keep an eye on her as well. Hopefully you can get some peace while they are gone. ; )

We actually had an okay day and I got to help her wash her hair after a little persuasion for it has been 3wks since she wash the hair. I guess she don't like the water in her eyes. I talked to her step-by-step of what I would be doing like pouring a glass of water at a time and holding her ears back so water would not get into her ears then, adding shampoo and etc. it actually worked for this time. the weather is just freaking crazy. 10 -20mp of wind last night and 54 degrees this morning in GA and suppose to jump up in the 80's tomorrow. I hope everyone has a restful night.

Angelhair: I'm sorry to hear of your fil son's stroke. It's so sad for everyone. At least your fil is not engulfed in the grief.

I'm watching FIL on my day off again, but I really don't mind this time. It's sad. His son from a previous marriage had a stroke so MIL went to visit. The last time he went to the hospital he refused to get out of the car and was very rough so I don't blame her not wanting to take him. It is very sad though because when she told him that his son was in the hospital he had no reaction at all. No recollection of his name. Nothing when we showed him a picture. Just... ...Nothing.

Mary (Nothingisenough), I really feel for you, talk about feeling like everyone is against you. geez! You need to just tell EVERYONE off but good! Let them all have it!! You will feel tons better if you do. In the meanwhile keep venting here so we can be supportive to you.

Jen, wipe ass off the wall? shit! It WILL end... repeat after me, it will end! Or hell where is Prince Charming when a girl needs him? He needs to come along and sweep you off your feet Cinderella!

Diane, keep venting. I hope your back starts to feel a little better and know that if you are able to get better sleep it will improve. When we sleep our muscles fully relax and repair themselves. My heart is with you Diane, always.

Debbie (lildeb), what about getting an ipod shuffle and some soft earphones? It works wonders for me when Dad starts doing his fake moans and groans for hours. You can listen to books or music and it clips right onto your blouse. Caregiving has not taught me patience, I had more patience when I started than I do now. Caregiving is plain demanding hard work. I think it's the hardest job on the planet and if everyone in the world took Caregiving 101 it would change the whole way they see the world. Perhaps it would make people wake up and realize that we're all in this together, the human race and stop being so judgemental.

Tonight's the Car Show night and my Husband will be taking Dad to the Show... It's amazing how when he goes with my Husband to the Car Show how much he uses his walker and walks all over the place and when he is at home he moans and ask me to go get the mail because he can't walk that far (to the end of the driveway). This is why I have learned to say NO to my father.

Everyone have a peaceful pleasant day.... it's okay to dream of it anyway!

Cricketღ

Cricket, you are on your 3rd parent, what a pro you must be and I do not know how you do it. Lots of patience I guess.

Dtflex, I'm sorry that your mom has so many serious ailments. Is their something she can take for the anxiety or does that make a person with AD worse? Still learning the ropes on here with my mnl. As for those big fat ass cats I personally would be scared too if one jumped on my little butt. jk. lol. I thought my 9 to 10lb cats was huge but you got me beat.

Anglehair, it probable will just take some time for the mil and glad your fil is enjoying it a bit even if he don't remember at least you know he is being treat well with care and you can get some sort of breaks.

Cattail, hope you have a nice day as well as everyone else on this board.

I have the mnl or some of yall say mil that she whispers just enough so that I can hear her and it drives me up the wall and I think she does it on purpose even though I know I should not and its the AD. However, this one has always been a hemmorid and I could never do anything right for her grown son. I half time don't even know what to call her but by her first name joe for she never told me I could call her mom and she has never made me feel welcome into the family. However now that she needs me she will tell me that, "I don't know how I would make it without you." After being married to her son over 17yrs. Well, i guess now is better than never I suppose. I am trying to ignore her whispering cussing and she only does it when I am not paying any attention to her like right now while I am on line. I also have my poor baby Vera next to me and she has to still wear the cone-head to keep her from scratching the stitches out for at least one more day then I will try again and take it off. I did trim her tonails to help as well. Well, today is a day behind bath day and the mnl needs to wash her hair for its been about 3wks since she washed her hair. Hopefully, this will go fine. ; )

Hi everyone, haven't been posting in such a long time but come on and read and feel better that I am not alone. When last I left here MIL was just stubborn eating. Well the eating problems escaled, I lost my cool and played "Avoid at all cost", until we had an episode about 3 weeks ago where her blood sugar (not a diabetic) dropped to 29, she had convulsions, low temp of 92. Her husband, who insists he can take care of it, never called for help and was trying to get her up to go to he bathroom. Needless to say a quick call to 911, off to the hospital where she spent 10 days, they released her without finding root cause and we were back in 36 hours when her sugar dropped to 50 and I couldn't raise it. Spent another 5 day there, got her released to another hospital where she spent another 5 days ...Released home again with no diagnosis but lots of tests.

So now the time spent in the hospital has left her limp and picking her up from couch to wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet, toilet to....you get the picture has drained on us all. She in all of this keeps looking at me and telling everyone what a horror I am. She told the visiting nurse yesterday that I was the cause of all her problems. yippee I am such a success!

We no longer can trust her husband to properly care for her, he has been the cause of some of the problem. He keeps telling this 90 lb 87 year old that she will become fat if she eats all the food I give her.

And here is the best part, part of her problem was/is a urininary tract infection. I had her tested about 2 month ago and got her on antibiotics. After about 1 week off of them I started to see signs that the problem returned. Insisted on another trip to doctor with a sample. The results came back negative so everyone including husband said to back off. Fast forward to hospital visit first time where the emergency room doctor started yelling at me how I could have allowed her to have such a bad infection and he said it was about to become septic. He screamed at me, I took it. So next day making lunch FIL says to me "I shouldn't have done it", in my innocence I asked what. He said "she didn't want to pee in the cup so I did". Shock on my face, words would not come out and I have not trusted a word he says since. Can't make this stuff up!

Thanks for listening. I am always reading.

Oh Jen, let's change your chorus to kick ass, kick ass, kick ass. Hugs!!!

wipe ass wipe ass wipe ass...its wipe ass off wall here.....Tonight he was gonna take his sit down bath in his underwear............again...God WHEN does this end?!

Isn't it amazing what we all endure. Diane your scratched record analogy was perfect and very funny. Hope you sleep well tonight. Tomorrow will bring more wipe ass, wipe ass, wipe ass.

Hi Crew,

Yes, it was an interesting and annoying weekend. Mom's bell that she rings is actually a wireless doorbell. Mom insists her bedroom door must be closed so the cats don't come in and walk all over her. As both cats are big boys (15 and 19 lbs) I can't blame her. So I am at her beck and call all night long too. Mom has some serious ailments (PD, spinal stenosis, diabetes, dvt's, dementia) but I think her biggest problem these days is anxiety. She thinks she is "dying" all the time and complaining she is so weak and fading away. I guess I have to count my blessings that mom isn't playing with her poop, but tying to get her to understand where to put her bottom to use the toilet still can drive me bonkers. Whatever she may have learned the day before is gone by the next 10 minutes. So it's instructing her on the same things daily. By night time she doesn't know she is in her own home or how to find her bedroom. Heck, she doesn't know me by evening either. She looks straight at me and asks me where I am or if my grandmother, who has been dead for 30 years, has gone in for the night. I know you can all relate to these repetitive instructions and questions. Remember how on the old vinyl records if you got a scratch it would play over and over again and never progress? In some ways I feel like I'm stuck in that scratch just repeating every moment of every day over and over again. Imprisoned by that groove of the scratch. No longer is it sweet melodious music, but "wipe ass, wipe ass, wipe ass".

I've been popping my Aleve to try get control of this backache. Lifting and pulling on Baby Huey evidently strained a muscle. I pray she will sleep tonight and I can get some rest. I hope you all too will get some rest. Sweet dreams.

Love ya,
Diane