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Hey Deef! The same thing happened with my hubby other night when he decided to watch "Missing" with me. Who's that? Is he a good guy? Are they married? WTF?!?! Who cares if they are married? How does that change the equation? What if I shove a sock in your mouth while I'm watching this show? Would it be different if we were not married? Tell you what: he can watch Fox news until he passes out. Then, I'll watch what I want. Luckily I record the shows I really care about, which currently is 2: Awake & Missing. Can't wait for Homeland to resume:) I am fine, Deef. Good to see you and rip. Hugs all around. Christina xo
So I finally get all our tax sh!t together and call the accountant. She took the day off! I had to tell my husband to shut up and leave me alone this morning while I was getting the paperwork and figures together. Why is it that when men are watching TV or doing something and you interrupt, it become a major crime!!! But it's okay for them to interrupt whatever we are doing? I have missed the point of more TV shows because of him!!! Anyway, I am now getting Mom's last 2 years of tax information together. She hasn't had to pay taxes in years, but since her LTC is now reimbursing her for home care, they send the IRS a copy of a 1099. So now I have to get her taxes done. My younger sister is POA, but I never see her, or my other 5 siblings. So once again, it all falls on me!!! Angelhair, nice post!!! My younger neighbor friend just got the news that her husband has pancreatic cancer! As much as I hate this whole caregiving deal, the first thing I did was offer her my help. Not sure that was wise, but had to do it. Igore, nice to meet you! I quit my job 4 years ago to care for Mom. At the time, I had been working for an outdoor living history museum and they could no longer afford to run the gift shops, so they contracted out to a company from San Diego. My boss was young enough to be my son. I had words with him all the time. He didn't like it, but I didn't put up with his crap! There is definitely something to be said for age and experience. Needless to say, he wouldn't fire me, because I was one of a few people left, that had years of knowledge of the museums' inner workings. At the time I made my decision to leave, I was glad to be out of there, but now I wish I had never left. Working for him was so much easier than caring for Mom! Cattails, Glad to see you get out with your dogs. Being outside is the best distraction and stress reliever! Hey Christina! How are you? Rip, Keep my toothbrush handy! You never know when I might show up again. Mass. is getting depressing again. Jen, I will get to visit with you the next time I escape this insane asylum! Bobbie, I hope your boat angel is feeling better! Okay, time for a quick vacuum, then tacos for dinner.
Igore, it sounds like a movie I saw once. haha Nothing in a tv script is funnier than real life; you simply change the names to protect the idiots. I mean innocents. I'll keep this brief so cattails has enough paper to write on... To all my buds: Have a great day!!! Love you BUNCHES!!! Christina xo
I am sorry I have been vacant latel. Things are going well. Cattails, I had to laugh about the Giant without boundaries. I think we all run into folks like that on occasion. I tend to want to be polite for as long as possible with folks like that but then I am forced into being rude. It’s even worse when that person without boundaries is your boss. About two years back I had a manager that my men named "Longshanks" after the king in the movie Braveheart. He was tall and overbearing. As a longtime supervisor myself, I learned a long time ago rank and respect do not necessarily go together. "Shanks" as was affectionately called was a pain in the arse to everyone that worked in his kingdom. Decisions that I had made for years were no longer mine to make without getting Shank's approval. For a long time as a supervisor, I was allowed to make judgments regarding schedules, jobs, etc. Under the reign of Shanks, all decisions had to be approved. To make matters worse, he would approve an action and then after it was carried out, he would ask "Why did you do this?" "Because you told me too.” “No I DIDN’T!! YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME FIRST!”
Rather than argue, I would just nod with my mouth tightly shut and go on.
Shanks would call my cell phone whenever his pea brain had activity. I was never really done with work. The phone calls would come after working 12 hours and going home, the phone would still ring.
I could be at home ready to try to seduce my wife. Because the hours I had been working I was afraid of regaining my virginity.
The cell phone would go off. I knew Shanks was calling because he had a special ringtone to let me know it was him. Damn!..I’d get my pants back on and answer the phone.
“Hello.” “Mark it’s Dick” (not his real name but his name rhymes with Dick) “Yeah, what’s up Dick?” “You need to show this month’s safety video tomorrow morning.” “ok,”
At this point I wanted to get to goodbye as soon as possible. If not, Shanks would start rambling on. So I would kick the wall and announce, “my son just fell, I gotta go”.
After hearing from Shanks, the moment had passed and was left dangling.
After some time passed I quit answering the phone every time the Shanks called. I was getting pissed off because my 55 hour per week job had become 65+ hours, not including being disturbed at home.
One day Shanks calls my phone while I am in the plant. I pull it out of my pocket and silence the call. Thing is he saw me do this from a distance (looking out his office window.)
Next thing I know I am in the lair of the Shanks having a conversation like.
“Why don’t you answer the phone when I call?”
“Because you abuse the privilege, I can’t work in high voltage cabinets and constantly answer your calls for trivial task that can wait. You ever hear of email? You interrupt my work constantly which makes it harder to get work done. Did I mention that my name is on my phone bill? So if I want to through the m**f**r in the river, that is MY privilege!”
At that point, I had never spoken like that to a boss before but I had truly been pushed to the breaking point. Shanks is not a man who takes criticism well. He has red hair and “Marty Fieldman eyes”, along with a fair complexion that gives away his anger when his face glows red like Rudolph’s nose. (Think Beeker from the muppet show).
Anyways, Shank’s face was about the color of a fire truck when exclaimed.
“I WILL FIX THAT I WILL GET YOU A COMPANY PHONE!!”
“Ok. No problem” But what I did not say, is that “I won’t answer it any quicker than I do my phone.”
That was about six months of my two year service under the Shankster. I have quite a few but I have not obtained my literary agent yet. The stuff I could write would make a great sitcom far better than any fiction I have encountered.
I am still employed at the same company. I am no longer a supervisor (I did NOT take a pay cut). I stood my ground and braced for the worst. And in spite of myself, God took care of me for which I am so grateful.
I hope you had a good Easter. We all have different situations. But we have a common thing that we do. I am about to put up a post that is kind of long and it really does not directly deal with care giving, except that if you work a job and things go shitty at work it adds to the stress of caring for folks at home.
I consider myself fortunate at this point because I know many of you are having it so hard with the person you are taking care of. When I see your stories, I am humbled because the pity party I just had prior seems so childish.
Anyways. Good eveing to all and I will be back in a few minutes with a tale of horror from the work place.
Angelhair: Thanks for your post. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we are. There are not many I would trade places with, probably none to be truthful. Life is tough, more for some that others. I'm fortunate, but I have my moments.
RIP: I'll take that crumb gratefully. I don't know who it was that told me about you, maybe Bobbie, maybe Cricket. Not sure. She said you were in Washington state, as am I, and that you took your dogs on hikes, etc. I love my dogs and like to walk as much as I possibly can. Didn't know who rip was. Sorry we had to meet this way, but glad to make your acquaintance. Don't think I'm judging, just voicing an opinion. Cattails.
You're 3,000 miles away ~ yet your toothbrush is still in my powder room. Come visit again? Damn ... wish I could offer you the tooth numbing stuff.
To the "newbies" It's tough any which way you go with caregiving. This thread has HUGE history so be careful who you judge. We are family - the way family should be. I was lucky to have wonderful parents. Questionable siblings .... GRRRRR
I value everyone brave enough to share anything on this thread or the whole damn internet! It's a big scary place but I must admit I feel safe & comfertable here on grossed. Thanks Bob! Hope the Angel is OK but I grieve for your situation.
Cattails ~ I guess I should thank you for brining me back.
I haven't had the time until today to sit and read through the posts. It sounds like some of you have had it quite rough. Those who would do the caregiving thing again, good for you. It takes a special kind of person to be able and willing to do it. To those of you who couldn't or wouldn't do it again, that's o.k. too. We all know our own boundaries and what we can and can't handle. Personally, I wouldn't have chosen to do this had there been some one else. It has made me a lot stronger, but I wouldn't choose to do it again. Especially not with kids. However, if there was no other option what choice do you have. You deal with what life throws at you the best way you can. I always try to remember that old saying "This too will pass." Sometimes things seem like they can't get much worse and everything has gone to hell, but then I always try to think of how good I actually do have it. My sister has schizophrenia and her husband has been battling cancer since he was in college. Together, their meds cost up towards the $1,000 mark. In order to get the help she needed he had to divorce her civilly because she hadn't worked long enough before the disease made itself known to be eligible for help. She now lives in a halfway house and he visits her every night and basically courts her, but she will never be able to leave that place. My grandmother cared for my Aunt, whom also has schitzophrenia, for thirty+ years before she passed away from a stroke; and now my Aunt is in a halfway house being cared for. My husband's Uncle has suffered from post traumatic stress since he was in a war when he was much younger and he still has major issues with it. My younger sister and her husband want children so badly, but they have been having difficulty getting pregnant because of health issues on both sides that they have to overcome. I always think of how lucky I am to be capable and healthy to do what I have to do. I hope we can all remember that we are strong enough to handle things as they come, nothing stays the same forever and "this too will pass". I love you all and I hope that we can all remember to count our blessings no matter how small they may seem in those dark moments Love you all, gotta go now..
Okay, it's been a while, but thought I would jump in. Linda, you shouldn't feel like you have to leave the thread. You belong here and are a great help to everyone. It's a real hard time for you now and we are all here for you. Cattails, sorry your comments offended. this thread has been around for a long time and I used to be a big part of it. things like this happen all the time. Apologies are made and people move on. It's hard to put our feelings about certain subjects into words and not offend someone out there. We all need to remember that each one of us is under tremendous strain from our caregiving duties. We are tired, frustrated and not always cognizant of the words we type. It sounds one way to us and another to each individual who reads our comments. I think Linda is right in her assessment of Bobbie, as she does know her very well. We all say we would never do this again. I am into my 5th year of caring for mom and quite ready for it all to end. my husband has now been out of work for over a year, Mom can no longer feed, dress, walk or do anything for herself. These are part of the reasons I have not been on the thread for some time now. I just don't have the energy to deal with others' emotions right now. But I do know that if someone needed my help, I would not be able to walk away. It's not something any of us wants to do ever again, it's something we have to do. I would never tell anyone not become a caregiver, but I will tell them all of the good and the bad that goes along with it. Each of us has to make our own choice in this matter. I hope everyone keeps on adding their comments and stories to this thread. You are all a very big part of this group and each have your own personalities to add to the mix. This thread was a great source of information, comfort and companionship to me when I needed it most. I will try to join in more often and lend my support where I can. In the meantime, I have this awful toothache and am going to call it a night! Take care everyone! Deef
Cattails, I know you mean well and it was obvious your intentions were good. When you started talking about "Sara" by the time you finished the first sentence I was already thinking she has got to go! LOL
Diane, Here's a little mental exercise that I have found helpful to me when I am really down.. Start thinking of good memories, relive them in your mind. Then continue to do this for a few minutes and you will find that it really can improve how you feel. It's sort of like how talking with someone from your childhood and remembering all the silly things you did as kids and how after talking this way you realize how good you feel after doing this. I think for any of us dealing with depression the most important thing to do to help us the most is we need to become our own therapist in many ways. Thinking thoughts that make us feel good can have a really positive effect. If we think negative thoughts and dwell on them then of course this will have a negative effect on us. Many times we aren't even aware of what we are thinking but the best way to identify what types of thoughts are dominating us all we have to do is examine how we are feeling, if we feel sad then that is a reflection of our thoughts. I say all this to you because I have been there to and I understand. Some of the physical things we can do to fight depression are..eat a healthy diet, get at least 35 minutes of moderate exercise daily, take 5,000 IU of Vitamin D3 a day, and take a B-Complex Vitamin.. at least this is what all the current research is saying is proven to help depression. Something else that I have found to be really helpful with reducing stress and aiding my sleep is "Melatonin Ultra" that I purchased at my local Sam's Club. I find that I cope so much better with the stress of Caregiving by doing the things above, also taking a few minutes everyday to go sit by myself some place where it is quiet and pray or meditate helps me to stay grounded and focused on balance and self care. Even when I know the only place I can go to have this quiet time for myself is in my own bed before I get up or when I go to bed at night I always do this. Dear Diane, I hope that any of the things that I've mentioned can be helpful for you.
Meanwhile2, thanks for the nice words about my Lucky, he is starting to return to his old self now and his eye is almost fully mended. I hope Omaha doesn't have to have more surgery but if he does I know he is in good hands. I think you and Omaha were meant to be together for both of your sakes.
I hope everyone had a happy easter. We put FIL in respite over Easter and it's a good thing we did. We knew that a lot of commotion makes him cranky and downright irritable and sometimes even violent. He gets extremely agitated. Well, we had four extra kids for a whole week and then over Easter we had two more. Ten cousins all under the same roof; seven boys and three girls; all between the ages of 5 and 14. On top of that we had a total of eight adults over easter. I don't know who I cleaned up after more, the parents or the children. lol. Anyway, we sent FIL to the nursing home for respite over easter and he has done great! He's been the perfect gentleman. Also, MIL finally has gotten a full night sleep. He comes home on Wednesday. Anyway, the craziness was absolutely exhausting. I had my twin nephews for a week; then my MIL's brother and his wife came to stay the night that Saturday and Sunday; while they were here my husband, his brother, and their cousin all took the twins home and I watched my husband's cousin's son for the weekend while they were gone and then they brought my husband's other brother's four boys back with them to stay for a week; and then their parents all came over on the following Friday with the twins from earlier and stayed until Sunday night. Now everyone has gone back to their own homes so things have calmed down a bit; even if there was the huge mess to clean up after they all left. Family. Ya gotta love'em. It is still a little nuts because now my four kids are on spring break, but I can handle it. Really, I need to find some time for myself to rest because this is my week that I have FIL for the four 16 hr days and I have had an enormously exhausting month! Anyway, Happy Easter to everyone. I hope you all had as much fun as I did.
Thanks Diane. Maybe it's better to find a new primary doc and see if he/she can work with you on different meds. It might be better than no help at all. I feel for you and hate this medical system that lets people suffer so much. Here you are, taking care of your mom, saving the state tons of money, and you can't get the help you need to get through it. Don't give up. Take more breaks. Wish I could put my arms around you.
Jen, enjoy Jeopardy. Long ago, it was a favorite of mine.
Been here a long while now, people come and go and new people come and talk and make friends and fall out and life goes on...I have to admit I don't follow as closely as I once did. I just skim now. I feel too tired and worn out to be really connected to anything most days. Just do what Has to be done and let the rest go. I am sorry if I got caught in something messy. I am still not quite sure what happened. Hope it works out. I remember being huffy and upset on line having gotten into arguments. I just feel so disconnected I really hardly keep track anymore.
I hope I didn't take sides or hurt anyone or say anything out of turn. Everyone has to do what is best for them, and we all move along somehow.
Take Care everyone, I'm gonna go watch Jeopardy...
Cattails, thanks for your concern. I've battled depression all my life and I am on medication, however, I don't feel it is being effective. My insurance only covers certain psychiatrist and unfortunately they only see you as an in-patient at a facility or aren't taking new patients. I just can't afford to pay out of pocket $200-$300 for a visit. My primary doctor is clueless with medication. So I'm feeling a little trapped in this arena too. Easter is a hard time for me only many levels. It's the anniversary of my fathers death, the lonliness of not having my family around and mom being extremely emotional and difficult. I didn't realize it was full moon and that seems to do a number on the demented mind.
As you keep reading and posting you will learn more about each of us, just as we are learning about you. It's not the first time or the last time members have not shared the same opinion. Sometimes its just a matter of timing. I did like how you picked up on the OBMAJ and turned it into OBMGP. It completely understand about having to go through an agency for sitters. Mom's insurance requires an agency and it takes a lot trial and error to find the right person to work with you and the person being cared for. Sometimes it is a trade off. I have one girl that does great with the cleaning and washing but not as much company for mom. Then I had one that was great with mom, but no help to me. It's a trade off. I'm in between people again and it is a big challenge. I never in my wildest dreams thought it was so difficult to find someone with a brain and common sense.
I'm being distracted by hunky-dunky Donald dancing on DWTS. Talk with you tomorrow.
Diane: Trapped is a horrible feeling. It's like being held underwater and not being able to get your breath. Have you considered some depression medication? You need to survive this and sometimes medication can help. I'm on some now and it helps me stay in that place I don't want to be. I don't feel as anxious.
You mentioned that during Easter, your b/f was in the dumps. It's very hard to stay up when everyone around you is down. One of the hardest things for me is that my husband really would prefer my dad not be here. I feel bad for him and responsible for having my parents take up so many of our years. When he's down, it brings me down too.
Please take your break and try to arrange for more. I hope you will check into depression meds. You have it much worse that I do and I need them.
RIP: I get it and envy you the friendships you've made. You are all so fortunate to have each other. Just for the record, I felt Linda did put some guilt on Bobbie. Nevertheless, I should have chosen my words more carefully or just let it go. I think I have apologized and I'm sure you will understand that I don't have time to read over 22,000 posts. If you want to share your lives with me, I'd be honored, and can guarantee you I have a very good heart too. Still, sometimes I may have an opinion or feel differently about something.
I really admire those of you who would do the caregiver thing all over. I hate to even think about it, although I have thought of it many times. If I had to do this over, would I?. My mom made my life very unhappy, nothing new about that. My dad is a sweet guy. I don't know and probably never will. I will however always feel sad that I can't jump up and say that I'd do in again in a heartbeat. I just can't. Taking care of my mom left me feeling more of a loss after she passed, not that I missed her presence, but because it was just sad to me that she could not offer some appreciation or affection to me. For those who had the wonderful parents, I'm truly happy for you. What a blessed gift you received.
Moving on, I have a care giver that comes in MWF for 3 hours. It's a huge help and I liked the care giver that we had quite a bit. She didn't do much of anything, but she was good with my dad and kept him company at lunch and usually got his shower taken care of. I say usually, because sometimes he didn't want to take a shower and because giving showers seemed like a lot of work for her. She actually wanted me to hire another shower person to come in a do the showering while she was here. I told her that wasn't going to happen so forget it. Plus, she was content to watch TV with him and would chat with him. If he was sleeping, then she would talk on her phone or read or watch whatever TV had to offer. She was thoughtful about my dogs, so if I ran errands, etc. she would let them in if it started to rain. She was supposed to do dishes, bathroom, etc., if she had time on her hands, but her heart just wasn't in it. Not perfect, but she was very loving to my dad and that's what counted. So now she has left the agency to be an independent care giver and I can't use her because our hours have to go through an agency.
So now I have two new caregivers. One comes on MF and the other on W. MF (just noticed the initials there) is Sara who is about 6'5", a booming voice, hyperactive and has a deep desire to be my shadow. She has to be busy every minute and if she isn't and I happen to be home she want to talk to me non-stop. I feel sorry for her because I think she is very bright and is probably lonely and wants the interaction. But I don't. I want some peace.
Today I was looking forward to being outside and mowing in the beautiful and all to rare sunshine. As soon as Sara got here, I made my escape and ran to the grocery store. I was back in 30 min and Sara was ready to pounce on me the minute I walked in. "Your dad won't get up, he won't take a shower, he doesn't want to eat his lunch." (My husband was making his escape to take our recycling to the recycle place.) He won't be in the house with Sara either. So I check my dad and he is just in that place of very deep sleep. He's not going to wake up and do anything. So I tell Sara, it's ok, if he is too tired don't worry. So she dogs me all the way to the kitchen where I try to listen to a phone message. It's from hospice and the nurse thought she would stop by and check on my dad. I can't hear the message over Sara, who is two inches from me, and all her blabbing. She wants to know who it is from hospice. Like it's any of her flipping business anyway. When the message ends, I tell Sara, that was Linda from Hospice and I need to listen to the message again to get her number right. I didn't quite catch it. (I'm thinking PLEASE giant person, back off and give me some space) So, I call Linda, she'll be by and I tell her fine. I tell Sara, as I flee to the mower, I'll be back when Linda gets here. Linda arrives and I park the mower. Giant person wants to be included in the conversation. Not because she has anything to offer, but because she is lonely and knows lots of hospice people from all her years of care giving. I give GP some vacuuming to do so I can talk to hospice nurse.
Actually, talking to the hospice nurse(s) never fails to get me centered. They are so kind and they just reach me. Linda (HN) says that my dad is the picture of comfort and peace. His skin looks amazing. I'm doing everything right. She wishes she could clone me. I tell her I miss my life. She tells me I'll have no regrets, no matter how long it takes. Giant Care Taking Person hovers in the bedroom doorway. She needs to introduce herself to HN and tell all about her history. Then GP says, "By the way, your vacuum just died. I've never had that happen before. It just died." On and on, so I go look at the vacuum. Yes it appears to be dead and Sara just can't shut up. So I tell her, "Sara, I have to finish with Hospice and then I'll check the vacuum more closely.
Anyway, the hospice nurse leaves, the vacuum is dead. Sara is still here for another hour, but she's very bored. Nothing to do, no one to talk politics with. I want to go back and mow, but ask Sara if she wants to leave. She's out the door and my little break is over. My dad wakes up and I feel like I've been in a blender.
I've decided Sara and I are not compatible. She pisses me off and has no fucking boundaries. Plus she broke my vacuum. Not cheap and not that old. I hate to hurt her feelings, but I'm calling agency and it is going to be AMF.
Trapped is an all too common feeling for us caregivers. I feel it everyday!!! Both linda's are grieving and trying to find new "normal routines" again. It's yet another difficult step on the road of being a caregiver. My mom is alive and yet I mourn my pre-dementia mother everyday. All I can say is the good Lord must have a purpose and I need to trust in Him. It was this reminder to myself to trust in God that stopped me from taking a bottle of pills this weekend. I have chosen a better option and asked my brother if he will stay with mom this week. I need so me time. So, my goal is to get through the next 4 days and then I can recharge and face the duties of a caregiver again.
Isn't it great to be able to express feelings and thoughts and everyone understands? All of you are great girls, all have a unique way of expressing your love and concern. It is how family is supposed to be. I was thinking the other day how all I wanted was honest and complete communication in my family. I created it with my husband and kids, but to this day, there is no freedom in my family of origin. But, you have to start somewhere, and this must be da place. WhooHoo! Everyone who WANTS to be a caregiver again, 'good for you.' Those who do not, do something 'good for you.' It works BOTH ways. Ahhhhh. Love you all, christina
We all have felt trapped! I was for well over 10 years & I'd do it again in a heartbeat! That's why we OFFER encourage, support & hopefully humor. Many of my dearest friends I've met on this thread ~ I value our frequent contact via email, FB & rambling phone conversations. We go way back, day & night 24/7 - always there in the darkest, most fragile times. Please keep that in mind ... everyone. If you read thru many posts from the beginning it'll give you a clue.
I wanted to add something to my above note. Sometimes I get very downhearted being my Dad's care giver. I feel very trapped and feel like my life is just ticking away. Having my parents for the past 6 1/2 has so restricted the years my husband and I had hoped to have freedom. I know it sounds selfish, but we were so looking forward to spending more time with our Granddaughter and our son.
Anyway, Linda, my email regarding Bobbie came from that place of feeling trapped and I wrote it at a time of sadness and exhaustion. I love my dad and I give him very good care, but I really want to have my life too.
You are right that I don't know you or Bobbie and I am sorry if my comments offended either of you. I can tell that you have a wonderful heart. I'm sure Bobbie does too, but she seems conflicted in trying to decide if she should take on Boat Angels care. My heart goes out to her because it is a very hard position to be in, especially if you care for that person.
While I don't know everyone on the thread very well, I do realize that some who have lost their parents/loved ones, find it painful to continue hearing the stories of others and feel they need to find some sunshine and another path now that their care giving is over. It's a healthy step to make a new life and start taking care of yourself.
I hope, Linda, if you are not going to visit this thread very much, it is for that reason and not because of my comments.
I do miss those who are not visiting as often. You bring a lot of wisdom and compassion. You are all very special I'm sorry if I stepped on your toes.
happy belate easter you all . it was nice and calm feeling .
cattails- im not ordering bobbie around and im not telling her what to do . she is a grown woman she does what she wants to do . that is right u do not know me or bobbie . i am sorry if it felt like i was ordering her around . yes i agree i couldnt be a caregiver again . but when someone is sick and on the edge i will not turn that person away i will do what i can to make the person comfertable because that person came to me , needing my help .... i will help that person .... ill be a caregiver again if i have to cuz that is how i see it when the lord puts that out in front of me . that is the path i shall take ..... bobbie is a great person with a big soft heart . she ll do what she has to do and like i said shes a grown lady , she would never turn a person away that looks at her in the eyes and say help me .... again u do not know her ....
i want you all to know that i will not be gettin on here much anymore now as i understand why some people has left here . too much heart aches and then get slap with another heart aches . i cant handle it anymore .
you guys hug ur love ones as much as u can . time flies and within a blink of an eye its all over and then the reality realy sinks in . then u realy see a black hole ....
Easter is almost over. Mom has whined and cried all day. Every holiday is difficult for both of us since some members of the family have drifted away from us and we are left out by ourselves. I cooked what I thought was a nice dinner; roast beef, rice & beans, fruit & marshmallow salad, fresh asparagus and cake for dessert. Mom was demanding too much attention to get the corn bread done. I guess Easter I was really missing my mom before dementia and missing being with my family. B/f was depressed to and sulking all day. I need to get back to work and live a semi normal life for a few hours a day. I'm heading to bed since I didn't get to sleep until 2am lastnight. IBS flare up and running to the bathroom all night.
I hope everyone got through Easter with the family. Tomorrow is a new begining.
Diane, we are all here for you. Hope you get to feeling better. Thanks SS. Good luck with your Dad, hopefully all will go well. I really am fortunate, with my parents, (so far). They are take care of themselves for the most part. Hope I'm up to handling it when they aren't. It is a very scary. After my husband died, I couldn't sleep for months. Still jumpy and get upset over things that I used to be able to handle. He wasn't even sick that long (6 months). It leaves your emotions on a roller coaster. I know Bobbi has already been looking after Boat Angel. Hope you don't feel guilty about anything. You have already done so much for him. Cricket, I'm so glad Lucky is doing well. Sister, and I are still doctoring Omaha, he has a long road yet, maybe more surgery. He is the sweetest horse I've ever been around though. Just can't bring myself to give up on him yet.
Yes ditto on not doing this again...up stairs knew it was coming..."Good Morning Jenny Happy Easter" and he don't say shit to mom...God please take him today..Damn perverted bastard..I could barely mumble anything out...
Bobbie you will make the right decision about the boat angle I understand how you feel-it has been almost 3 years and there is no way I would be a caregiver again-I still need to heal and you had it so much worse than me and you are still dealing with the after work of her death and trying to keep us all going-do what your heart tells you to do and we will support you.
Meanwhile - good lunch with that dinner. Look before your eat!! Hee hee!!!
Big day for us. I am picking up my Dad at the NH after church, for Easter dinner at my home. It's his first trip out of the NH. I'm nervous and I think he is too. Please pray for me it goes ok. I'm just a little pint myself even though my husband is a good size guy, I hope we can handle him. He only needs to walk up two stairs then we can put him in the wheelchair again. Then of course, there;s the bathroom issue. Hate to be thinking about poop and Easter dinner all at the same time!!! Yuck!! We shall see....
Bobbie, do what you think is best for you, dear. Can he hire someone to help him and you could oversee that? Not sure of the whole story. love you and will pray for you.
I'll give you all an Easter fiasco update tomorrow!
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I am fine, Deef. Good to see you and rip. Hugs all around. Christina xo
Anyway, I am now getting Mom's last 2 years of tax information together. She hasn't had to pay taxes in years, but since her LTC is now reimbursing her for home care, they send the IRS a copy of a 1099. So now I have to get her taxes done. My younger sister is POA, but I never see her, or my other 5 siblings. So once again, it all falls on me!!!
Angelhair, nice post!!! My younger neighbor friend just got the news that her husband has pancreatic cancer! As much as I hate this whole caregiving deal, the first thing I did was offer her my help. Not sure that was wise, but had to do it.
Igore, nice to meet you! I quit my job 4 years ago to care for Mom. At the time, I had been working for an outdoor living history museum and they could no longer afford to run the gift shops, so they contracted out to a company from San Diego. My boss was young enough to be my son. I had words with him all the time. He didn't like it, but I didn't put up with his crap! There is definitely something to be said for age and experience. Needless to say, he wouldn't fire me, because I was one of a few people left, that had years of knowledge of the museums' inner workings. At the time I made my decision to leave, I was glad to be out of there, but now I wish I had never left. Working for him was so much easier than caring for Mom!
Cattails, Glad to see you get out with your dogs. Being outside is the best distraction and stress reliever!
Hey Christina! How are you?
Rip, Keep my toothbrush handy! You never know when I might show up again. Mass. is getting depressing again.
Jen, I will get to visit with you the next time I escape this insane asylum!
Bobbie, I hope your boat angel is feeling better!
Okay, time for a quick vacuum, then tacos for dinner.
I'll keep this brief so cattails has enough paper to write on...
To all my buds: Have a great day!!! Love you BUNCHES!!!
Christina xo
I am sorry I have been vacant latel. Things are going well. Cattails, I had to laugh about the Giant without boundaries. I think we all run into folks like that on occasion. I tend to want to be polite for as long as possible with folks like that but then I am forced into being rude.
It’s even worse when that person without boundaries is your boss.
About two years back I had a manager that my men named "Longshanks" after the king in the movie Braveheart. He was tall and overbearing. As a longtime supervisor myself, I learned a long time ago rank and respect do not necessarily go together.
"Shanks" as was affectionately called was a pain in the arse to everyone that worked in his kingdom. Decisions that I had made for years were no longer mine to make without getting Shank's approval.
For a long time as a supervisor, I was allowed to make judgments regarding schedules, jobs, etc. Under the reign of Shanks, all decisions had to be approved.
To make matters worse, he would approve an action and then after it was carried out, he would ask "Why did you do this?"
"Because you told me too.”
“No I DIDN’T!! YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME FIRST!”
Rather than argue, I would just nod with my mouth tightly shut and go on.
Shanks would call my cell phone whenever his pea brain had activity. I was never really done with work. The phone calls would come after working 12 hours and going home, the phone would still ring.
I could be at home ready to try to seduce my wife. Because the hours I had been working I was afraid of regaining my virginity.
The cell phone would go off. I knew Shanks was calling because he had a special ringtone to let me know it was him. Damn!..I’d get my pants back on and answer the phone.
“Hello.”
“Mark it’s Dick” (not his real name but his name rhymes with Dick)
“Yeah, what’s up Dick?”
“You need to show this month’s safety video tomorrow morning.”
“ok,”
At this point I wanted to get to goodbye as soon as possible. If not, Shanks would start rambling on. So I would kick the wall and announce, “my son just fell, I gotta go”.
After hearing from Shanks, the moment had passed and was left dangling.
After some time passed I quit answering the phone every time the Shanks called. I was getting pissed off because my 55 hour per week job had become 65+ hours, not including being disturbed at home.
One day Shanks calls my phone while I am in the plant. I pull it out of my pocket and silence the call. Thing is he saw me do this from a distance (looking out his office window.)
Next thing I know I am in the lair of the Shanks having a conversation like.
“Why don’t you answer the phone when I call?”
“Because you abuse the privilege, I can’t work in high voltage cabinets and constantly answer your calls for trivial task that can wait. You ever hear of email? You interrupt my work constantly which makes it harder to get work done. Did I mention that my name is on my phone bill? So if I want to through the m**f**r in the river, that is MY privilege!”
At that point, I had never spoken like that to a boss before but I had truly been pushed to the breaking point. Shanks is not a man who takes criticism well. He has red hair and “Marty Fieldman eyes”, along with a fair complexion that gives away his anger when his face glows red like Rudolph’s nose. (Think Beeker from the muppet show).
Anyways, Shank’s face was about the color of a fire truck when exclaimed.
“I WILL FIX THAT I WILL GET YOU A COMPANY PHONE!!”
“Ok. No problem” But what I did not say, is that “I won’t answer it any quicker than I do my phone.”
That was about six months of my two year service under the Shankster. I have quite a few but I have not obtained my literary agent yet. The stuff I could write would make a great sitcom far better than any fiction I have encountered.
I am still employed at the same company. I am no longer a supervisor (I did NOT take a pay cut). I stood my ground and braced for the worst. And in spite of myself, God took care of me for which I am so grateful.
Peace to all the gross outs on the thread,
Igore
I hope you had a good Easter. We all have different situations. But we have a common thing that we do. I am about to put up a post that is kind of long and it really does not directly deal with care giving, except that if you work a job and things go shitty at work it adds to the stress of caring for folks at home.
I consider myself fortunate at this point because I know many of you are having it so hard with the person you are taking care of. When I see your stories, I am humbled because the pity party I just had prior seems so childish.
Anyways. Good eveing to all and I will be back in a few minutes with a tale of horror from the work place.
Peace,
Igore.
Glad you're here! What a life, huh?
Sure wish we could figure a way to make it all easy. Maybe soothe our Spirit?
You're 3,000 miles away ~ yet your toothbrush is still in my powder room.
Come visit again?
Damn ... wish I could offer you the tooth numbing stuff.
To the "newbies"
It's tough any which way you go with caregiving.
This thread has HUGE history so be careful who you judge. We are family - the way family should be.
I was lucky to have wonderful parents. Questionable siblings .... GRRRRR
I value everyone brave enough to share anything on this thread or the whole damn internet! It's a big scary place but I must admit I feel safe & comfertable here on grossed. Thanks Bob!
Hope the Angel is OK but I grieve for your situation.
Cattails ~ I guess I should thank you for brining me back.
I love you all and I hope that we can all remember to count our blessings no matter how small they may seem in those dark moments
Love you all, gotta go now..
Linda, you shouldn't feel like you have to leave the thread. You belong here and are a great help to everyone. It's a real hard time for you now and we are all here for you. Cattails, sorry your comments offended. this thread has been around for a long time and I used to be a big part of it. things like this happen all the time. Apologies are made and people move on. It's hard to put our feelings about certain subjects into words and not offend someone out there. We all need to remember that each one of us is under tremendous strain from our caregiving duties. We are tired, frustrated and not always cognizant of the words we type. It sounds one way to us and another to each individual who reads our comments.
I think Linda is right in her assessment of Bobbie, as she does know her very well. We all say we would never do this again. I am into my 5th year of caring for mom and quite ready for it all to end. my husband has now been out of work for over a year, Mom can no longer feed, dress, walk or do anything for herself. These are part of the reasons I have not been on the thread for some time now. I just don't have the energy to deal with others' emotions right now. But I do know that if someone needed my help, I would not be able to walk away. It's not something any of us wants to do ever again, it's something we have to do.
I would never tell anyone not become a caregiver, but I will tell them all of the good and the bad that goes along with it. Each of us has to make our own choice in this matter.
I hope everyone keeps on adding their comments and stories to this thread. You are all a very big part of this group and each have your own personalities to add to the mix. This thread was a great source of information, comfort and companionship to me when I needed it most. I will try to join in more often and lend my support where I can.
In the meantime, I have this awful toothache and am going to call it a night! Take care everyone! Deef
Cattails, I know you mean well and it was obvious your intentions were good. When you started talking about "Sara" by the time you finished the first sentence I was already thinking she has got to go! LOL
Diane, Here's a little mental exercise that I have found helpful to me when I am really down.. Start thinking of good memories, relive them in your mind. Then continue to do this for a few minutes and you will find that it really can improve how you feel. It's sort of like how talking with someone from your childhood and remembering all the silly things you did as kids and how after talking this way you realize how good you feel after doing this. I think for any of us dealing with depression the most important thing to do to help us the most is we need to become our own therapist in many ways. Thinking thoughts that make us feel good can have a really positive effect. If we think negative thoughts and dwell on them then of course this will have a negative effect on us. Many times we aren't even aware of what we are thinking but the best way to identify what types of thoughts are dominating us all we have to do is examine how we are feeling, if we feel sad then that is a reflection of our thoughts. I say all this to you because I have been there to and I understand. Some of the physical things we can do to fight depression are..eat a healthy diet, get at least 35 minutes of moderate exercise daily, take 5,000 IU of Vitamin D3 a day, and take a B-Complex Vitamin.. at least this is what all the current research is saying is proven to help depression. Something else that I have found to be really helpful with reducing stress and aiding my sleep is "Melatonin Ultra" that I purchased at my local Sam's Club. I find that I cope so much better with the stress of Caregiving by doing the things above, also taking a few minutes everyday to go sit by myself some place where it is quiet and pray or meditate helps me to stay grounded and focused on balance and self care. Even when I know the only place I can go to have this quiet time for myself is in my own bed before I get up or when I go to bed at night I always do this. Dear Diane, I hope that any of the things that I've mentioned can be helpful for you.
Meanwhile2, thanks for the nice words about my Lucky, he is starting to return to his old self now and his eye is almost fully mended. I hope Omaha doesn't have to have more surgery but if he does I know he is in good hands. I think you and Omaha were meant to be together for both of your sakes.
Good night all,
Love Cricketღ
Anyway, the craziness was absolutely exhausting. I had my twin nephews for a week; then my MIL's brother and his wife came to stay the night that Saturday and Sunday; while they were here my husband, his brother, and their cousin all took the twins home and I watched my husband's cousin's son for the weekend while they were gone and then they brought my husband's other brother's four boys back with them to stay for a week; and then their parents all came over on the following Friday with the twins from earlier and stayed until Sunday night. Now everyone has gone back to their own homes so things have calmed down a bit; even if there was the huge mess to clean up after they all left. Family. Ya gotta love'em. It is still a little nuts because now my four kids are on spring break, but I can handle it. Really, I need to find some time for myself to rest because this is my week that I have FIL for the four 16 hr days and I have had an enormously exhausting month!
Anyway, Happy Easter to everyone. I hope you all had as much fun as I did.
Jen, enjoy Jeopardy. Long ago, it was a favorite of mine.
Cattails
I hope I didn't take sides or hurt anyone or say anything out of turn. Everyone has to do what is best for them, and we all move along somehow.
Take Care everyone, I'm gonna go watch Jeopardy...
Jen
As you keep reading and posting you will learn more about each of us, just as we are learning about you. It's not the first time or the last time members have not shared the same opinion. Sometimes its just a matter of timing. I did like how you picked up on the OBMAJ and turned it into OBMGP. It completely understand about having to go through an agency for sitters. Mom's insurance requires an agency and it takes a lot trial and error to find the right person to work with you and the person being cared for. Sometimes it is a trade off. I have one girl that does great with the cleaning and washing but not as much company for mom. Then I had one that was great with mom, but no help to me. It's a trade off. I'm in between people again and it is a big challenge. I never in my wildest dreams thought it was so difficult to find someone with a brain and common sense.
I'm being distracted by hunky-dunky Donald dancing on DWTS. Talk with you tomorrow.
Love ya,
Diane
You mentioned that during Easter, your b/f was in the dumps. It's very hard to stay up when everyone around you is down. One of the hardest things for me is that my husband really would prefer my dad not be here. I feel bad for him and responsible for having my parents take up so many of our years. When he's down, it brings me down too.
Please take your break and try to arrange for more. I hope you will check into depression meds. You have it much worse that I do and I need them.
Love and white light to you,
Cattails
I really admire those of you who would do the caregiver thing all over. I hate to even think about it, although I have thought of it many times. If I had to do this over, would I?. My mom made my life very unhappy, nothing new about that. My dad is a sweet guy. I don't know and probably never will. I will however always feel sad that I can't jump up and say that I'd do in again in a heartbeat. I just can't. Taking care of my mom left me feeling more of a loss after she passed, not that I missed her presence, but because it was just sad to me that she could not offer some appreciation or affection to me. For those who had the wonderful parents, I'm truly happy for you. What a blessed gift you received.
Moving on, I have a care giver that comes in MWF for 3 hours. It's a huge help and I liked the care giver that we had quite a bit. She didn't do much of anything, but she was good with my dad and kept him company at lunch and usually got his shower taken care of. I say usually, because sometimes he didn't want to take a shower and because giving showers seemed like a lot of work for her. She actually wanted me to hire another shower person to come in a do the showering while she was here. I told her that wasn't going to happen so forget it. Plus, she was content to watch TV with him and would chat with him. If he was sleeping, then she would talk on her phone or read or watch whatever TV had to offer. She was thoughtful about my dogs, so if I ran errands, etc. she would let them in if it started to rain. She was supposed to do dishes, bathroom, etc., if she had time on her hands, but her heart just wasn't in it. Not perfect, but she was very loving to my dad and that's what counted. So now she has left the agency to be an independent care giver and I can't use her because our hours have to go through an agency.
So now I have two new caregivers. One comes on MF and the other on W. MF (just noticed the initials there) is Sara who is about 6'5", a booming voice, hyperactive and has a deep desire to be my shadow. She has to be busy every minute and if she isn't and I happen to be home she want to talk to me non-stop. I feel sorry for her because I think she is very bright and is probably lonely and wants the interaction. But I don't. I want some peace.
Today I was looking forward to being outside and mowing in the beautiful and all to rare sunshine. As soon as Sara got here, I made my escape and ran to the grocery store. I was back in 30 min and Sara was ready to pounce on me the minute I walked in. "Your dad won't get up, he won't take a shower, he doesn't want to eat his lunch." (My husband was making his escape to take our recycling to the recycle place.) He won't be in the house with Sara either. So I check my dad and he is just in that place of very deep sleep. He's not going to wake up and do anything. So I tell Sara, it's ok, if he is too tired don't worry. So she dogs me all the way to the kitchen where I try to listen to a phone message. It's from hospice and the nurse thought she would stop by and check on my dad. I can't hear the message over Sara, who is two inches from me, and all her blabbing. She wants to know who it is from hospice. Like it's any of her flipping business anyway. When the message ends, I tell Sara, that was Linda from Hospice and I need to listen to the message again to get her number right. I didn't quite catch it. (I'm thinking PLEASE giant person, back off and give me some space) So, I call Linda, she'll be by and I tell her fine. I tell Sara, as I flee to the mower, I'll be back when Linda gets here. Linda arrives and I park the mower. Giant person wants to be included in the conversation. Not because she has anything to offer, but because she is lonely and knows lots of hospice people from all her years of care giving. I give GP some vacuuming to do so I can talk to hospice nurse.
Actually, talking to the hospice nurse(s) never fails to get me centered. They are so kind and they just reach me. Linda (HN) says that my dad is the picture of comfort and peace. His skin looks amazing. I'm doing everything right. She wishes she could clone me. I tell her I miss my life. She tells me I'll have no regrets, no matter how long it takes. Giant Care Taking Person hovers in the bedroom doorway. She needs to introduce herself to HN and tell all about her history. Then GP says, "By the way, your vacuum just died. I've never had that happen before. It just died." On and on, so I go look at the vacuum. Yes it appears to be dead and Sara just can't shut up. So I tell her, "Sara, I have to finish with Hospice and then I'll check the vacuum more closely.
Anyway, the hospice nurse leaves, the vacuum is dead. Sara is still here for another hour, but she's very bored. Nothing to do, no one to talk politics with. I want to go back and mow, but ask Sara if she wants to leave. She's out the door and my little break is over. My dad wakes up and I feel like I've been in a blender.
I've decided Sara and I are not compatible. She pisses me off and has no fucking boundaries. Plus she broke my vacuum. Not cheap and not that old. I hate to hurt her feelings, but I'm calling agency and it is going to be AMF.
So OBMGP.
Cattails.
Take care dear ones, whatever stage you are in.
Love ya,
Diane
Everyone who WANTS to be a caregiver again, 'good for you.' Those who do not, do something 'good for you.' It works BOTH ways. Ahhhhh. Love you all, christina
That's why we OFFER encourage, support & hopefully humor. Many of my dearest friends I've met on this thread ~ I value our frequent contact via email, FB & rambling phone conversations. We go way back, day & night 24/7 - always there in the darkest, most fragile times.
Please keep that in mind ... everyone. If you read thru many posts from the beginning it'll give you a clue.
Cheers !
Rip&Pets sadly sans Sir
I wanted to add something to my above note. Sometimes I get very downhearted being my Dad's care giver. I feel very trapped and feel like my life is just ticking away. Having my parents for the past 6 1/2 has so restricted the years my husband and I had hoped to have freedom. I know it sounds selfish, but we were so looking forward to spending more time with our Granddaughter and our son.
Anyway, Linda, my email regarding Bobbie came from that place of feeling trapped and I wrote it at a time of sadness and exhaustion. I love my dad and I give him very good care, but I really want to have my life too.
Again, my apologies. Cattaills
You are right that I don't know you or Bobbie and I am sorry if my comments offended either of you. I can tell that you have a wonderful heart. I'm sure Bobbie does too, but she seems conflicted in trying to decide if she should take on Boat Angels care. My heart goes out to her because it is a very hard position to be in, especially if you care for that person.
While I don't know everyone on the thread very well, I do realize that some who have lost their parents/loved ones, find it painful to continue hearing the stories of others and feel they need to find some sunshine and another path now that their care giving is over. It's a healthy step to make a new life and start taking care of yourself.
I hope, Linda, if you are not going to visit this thread very much, it is for that reason and not because of my comments.
I do miss those who are not visiting as often. You bring a lot of wisdom and compassion. You are all very special I'm sorry if I stepped on your toes.
Cattails.
cattails- im not ordering bobbie around and im not telling her what to do . she is a grown woman she does what she wants to do . that is right u do not know me or bobbie . i am sorry if it felt like i was ordering her around .
yes i agree i couldnt be a caregiver again . but when someone is sick and on the edge i will not turn that person away i will do what i can to make the person comfertable because that person came to me , needing my help .... i will help that person .... ill be a caregiver again if i have to cuz that is how i see it when the lord puts that out in front of me . that is the path i shall take .....
bobbie is a great person with a big soft heart . she ll do what she has to do and like i said shes a grown lady , she would never turn a person away that looks at her in the eyes and say help me .... again u do not know her ....
i want you all to know that i will not be gettin on here much anymore now as i understand why some people has left here . too much heart aches and then get slap with another heart aches . i cant handle it anymore .
you guys hug ur love ones as much as u can . time flies and within a blink of an eye its all over and then the reality realy sinks in . then u realy see a black hole ....
love you xoxox
I hope everyone got through Easter with the family. Tomorrow is a new begining.
Love ya,
Diane
Cricket, I'm so glad Lucky is doing well. Sister, and I are still doctoring Omaha, he has a long road yet, maybe more surgery. He is the sweetest horse I've ever been around though. Just can't bring myself to give up on him yet.
Meanwhile - good lunch with that dinner. Look before your eat!! Hee hee!!!
Big day for us. I am picking up my Dad at the NH after church, for Easter dinner at my home. It's his first trip out of the NH. I'm nervous and I think he is too. Please pray for me it goes ok. I'm just a little pint myself even though my husband is a good size guy, I hope we can handle him. He only needs to walk up two stairs then we can put him in the wheelchair again. Then of course, there;s the bathroom issue. Hate to be thinking about poop and Easter dinner all at the same time!!! Yuck!! We shall see....
Bobbie, do what you think is best for you, dear. Can he hire someone to help him and you could oversee that? Not sure of the whole story. love you and will pray for you.
I'll give you all an Easter fiasco update tomorrow!
xoxo
-SS