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So glad to hear Lucky is doing well. I just got back this evening, from taking Omaha to the Vet. I got up at 5 AM this morning. Was at the surgery center before 8. Waited around for 2 hours. The Vet finally came, and barely glanced at Omaha, and the X-ray I had brought. Said put him in a stall, and that they would have to keep him quite awhile. I didn't get much more than that, before he rushed off. I hated to leave him there, but the next closest Vet that can do this type of surgery is 10 hours away. Everyone I talked to said this guy is really good. I will try and call tomorrow and maybe I can find out more. Igore, I hope things get better and the worker with the head injury recovers. Diane, I sure hope you can get some help with your eyesight. Reading about the problems of taking care of parents is scary. How do you put someone in a nursing home that doesn't want to go? My Mom and step dad live just up the road. So far they don't need too much help. They both can still drive, manage cooking and cleaning. I used to say, I would happily take care of my Step father, if he got down, but I wouldn't lift a finger for my Mom. Now I'm not so sure. My stepfather used to be kind, generous, and fun loving. My Mother was cold, self centered, and abusive. But, now I see my Step father getting very childish, and difficult. While my Mother actually seems to be trying to make amends. I am almost starting to feel sorry for her.. She is getting very forgetful, and confused sometimes, but I can't believe how much nicer she is. I really love my step Dad, but if he keeps getting crankier I don't think I can handle it. What a guilt trip. I have to get to bed, been a long day. Love you guys.
Lucky got his big collar taken off today and the Vet says he is looking really good!! I'm so happy! I'm doing the happy dance!! ♥ .))( ♫ .(ړײ) ♫. ♥ .«▓» ♥. ♫ ..╝╚.. ♫
Its been a crazier weekend that I have time to explain. Today at work a worker suffered a head injury. The next few hours are critical for him. Anyways, Cattails I have been watching from the castle but have not been able to shout out to you all.
Oh, just bought two books on AZ. First, "The 36-Hour Day." fifth ed. I think a few of y'all suggested this book. Second, "Alzheimer's for Dummies." Maybe that will have some humor to get me through. Now, I just got to get started and read them.
Selfish sib, I agree with bobbi that, to forget the siblings for they aren't helping anyway and do what you got to do for your own health. At least a facility their will be people their to help keep and eye on her if she does fall again. My mnl' brother had to the be placed into a NH for he kept falling so much that he literally cracked his head open and had to get about 30 stitches! The NH put a football helmet looking thing on his head to keep him from bumping his head. They were more medically able I guess to help him than my mnl and she had already said that she could not handle him because of his temper. MMM? I wander does she not think she has temper?
Diane, I would just come out and ask the sibs that you need help from them to all pitch in for it is their mom too! That what are you going to do when you can no long see to take care of your mom? You to get that eye exam and if they are too selfish to help you out with a pair of glasses then is their a clinic or something that can help pay for a pair? That is so awful of kin folks that have money to waste and don't even offer to help out. I guess sometimes you have to come straight out and let them know you need help for it is their mom as well. I wish you luck.
Cattail, maybe we can all come up to your place and play with the worms and then have a toss salad. ; )
God bobbie you nailed it there. I agree. There are few exceptions...Most people are gonna find this extended life at all costs very costly. I bet it does kill people, literally and certainly figuratively. I often feel we are literally waiting for him to die. everyone is waiting for him to die and all the way we have grousing, arguing, stubborn smelly, perverted BS to deal with frazzling nerves and making this hellish. What may start out with best intentions and/or familial feeling of duty or love or thinking how much work can it be or what ever reason one has fro taking on elder care....You have not got a clue, until you do and then God help you...No one else will...Or few others will......If you need help, Get It, for you and the person you have taken on as your charge.
And I am right with you, Bobbie. If we go nuts and age too quickly from hands on caregiving, then time to review the word: CHOICE. There is always a choice. WE make the choice when we are responsible for them legally and morally after dementia takes over even a portion of their reasoning ability. Yes, we certainly remember when our parents were of sound mind and could push our buttons, but it is a new world now, and WE, the adult offspring, are in charge. There is no negotiating with them at this point. Nothing left over from the old days except the memories of who, what, how they were. I had good intentions when I brought my Mother into our home, and my husband was supportive--in fact, it was his idea--which I will kill him for at some other time. I am still in charge of her care, but only from an administrative position. I do not want any more control than I have. I try to visit her every other day. Some days I cringe that I have to go, other days I want to be there for her. I believe it is simply my emotions and thoughts involved, even though when she is alert, she seems to be happy to see me. I decided-- after I gained weight, could not sleep at night anymore for more then a couple hours at a time, developed problems with my feet, psoriasis patches, and my relationship with my sister was totally ruined-- to let my survival instinct override my sense of martyred duty. I know I can do almost anything better for anyone in my home than a stranger can or will in a care home. "Oh Well." Good, now I have tried it. We had a few months of semi-enjoyable bonding which never happened when it should have--like 60 years ago-- and that was because now I was the arbiter, so it was a nicey nice scenario. I am focused on my husband and myself now, and what I want to squeeze out of my life, because the hourglass is running out. Maybe the experience made me more serious about my own life. I am thankful that I have a stronger sense of what I will not put up with anymore, and I speak up with no holds barred. Sometimes it does not go over well, but I have made my unarguable point. I also know what I DO want, and I am working on that, as well. I am happy for Linda and Kuli who loved and admired their Dads, their heroes. God Bless them all. Some of us are not that fortunate, and we cannot create what was never there. Those of us with less than heroes for parents must take who we are and start from there, which is what I did. We are all different, our family dynamics are different. Our siblings are serving their purpose in our lives, too. In my situation, there was never any unity or core of family, so no cooperation. I think my sister tried to give me what help she could, but her inability to be upfront and instead use the opportunity to further put me down was a mistake on her part. However, if we ever resume our relationship, it will be on terms that must be open and honest, and I am not sure she can do that. Love you, Bobbie. Diane, I hope you make a choice for YOU. Cattails, cindretha, Selfish Siblings, Ditto. Please don't sacrifice yourself, your perfectly good kids and husbands. I am sorry for the difficulties you all have with these situations. Try not to spin your wheels too many times before you change it up. Peace. Love, Christina xo
damn if u do and damn if you dont . i moved dad into my home , either nursing home or stay at my house . i have no pblm with dad , he is a sweet heart and a very kind man and always says thank you when i do things for him . it makes me feel worth while cuz i am able to spend every lasting moments with my sweet dad . i do not regret it at all , i would do it again if dad came back alive . we had fun going shopping and out riding around and did things till he could no longer walk , it all changed , it was sad but we still have a good time , and it made dad feel safe here with me and i felt worry free havin him here . while he was in rehab yes i worried and was with him at rehab more than i was begin at home . i couldnt wait to get him home with me . dad is my pride and joy i love that man with all my heart , he raise me well and treated me like i was his best friend . i return that favor cuz he did not want to be around old people and people he doesnt know and i didnt blame him ... open my wings and took him in ....... yes it aged me like it did to bobbie . i hurt all over every day . mostly is from workin in the factory for 10 yrs that ruined me and takin care of dad didnt do any better . till my dr fixed me right up and i was ok after that .
while i was readin who posted about how hateful thier elders were and no respect what so ever . was brought up and raise up with no love in thier heart what so ever , i shake my head thinkin i could not care for the parents who were mean to me while growing up . i would have taken them to nursing home and ck up on them every so often . thats a whole diffrent ball park with me . my parents are the kind of parents u want ! your parents are the kind i do not want .... there s no way i would let them make my life ugly again if it was ugly while growing up . no way i can do that ......
mother in law has alz realy bad , doesnt know her own home , there s no way in hell i can take care of her . her poopy toilet paper does not go in the toilet ! it goes behind something that ya never dream she put it there . i am still finding stuff she hid , i still cant find her pull up she put em somewhere , maybe i wont ever find it . again i will not take care of her and hubby knows it . his brother aw bless his heart , he is suffering and is lonely and is pretty much fked up . called me the other night waaa waaa waaaaaaaaa . i told him to call me a day ahead and i ll come sit with mom while he goes get grocries or go mow the grass , while he s mowing she wanders off or she s following him around . grocries store she wanders off . fights with him . keeps askin him do u know where my son is , he flips said i am ur son mom ! she says no ure not and all hell breaks lose . its ugly memories for him .... nightmare ! i told him its not going to get any better , its going to get worst ...... you have to decide whats best for you and whats best for ur parent , i do not regret takin pa in , i love that man so much and we always cared for eachother . i am his baby girl ....
bobbie ! i am glad u took care of ur mom cuz if u never did we would have never met !!!! u would have not started this post dear . there would be no boat .
dad always said things happens for a reason . well mm i think its boat time ! lalala i still havent cleaned pa s room . i go in there and stop and look and back out . then i got to thinkin what made me think i could clean out his trialer 1 thousand miles from here . mmmm ah i let the lord guide me to where ever path i shall take .
jsomebody , i dont think its diane s eyes i think shes talkin about crickets doggie s eyes . :-) unless im wrong and missed that post somewhere ? anyways i apprecatie you for gathering up so much garbages ! hell with limit trash , fk it , youre a sweet heart and knows whats best for you and ur family . i am worried about u jsomebody ! fear that u re gonna end up takin care of your mom and make ur life hell . please put her in nursing home and go enjoy ur fp s money and live a high life on bobbie s boat . drink alotta margaritta dear . u need to get away realy bad . when fp passes away i hope ur mom goes softer on you . love you jenny girl ....
guy came this morning to trim the front trees away from the power line . well hubbys gonna be piss off and see they have realy hacked it all off . those trees looks very pityful , those trees are my hubbys pride and joy . well not anymore today lol . he s gonna bark at me cuz i didnt go stand out there and supervise and tell em its enuff . 7 yrs ago those guys came and realy hacked the hell out of it , of course i got yelled at . well im getting ready to get yelled at in about couple hrs . ifhe does im leavin lol ... love you all and u guys please be happy .. xoxoxox
Bobby!! You said the profound truth perfectly!! Thank you, seriously. I hope everyone here pays attention to what you said. I think the biggest problem we all have to face in caregiving is to know where to draw the line before we are Martyring ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't have parents who were those we could respect and look up to and it really makes a difference in caregiving. My FIL Charlie was a very honorable and respectful man and I took care of him until he died and the whole experience between caring for him and my own father is like night a day. It seems like the more selfish the parent the more they will run us into the ground if we let them. Because most of us are loving and caring people the selfish parent or whoever we are in charge of really capitalize on this. In the end what really matters is everyone's lives, everyone's happiness. If we feel like it's impossible to have a life of our own then we have begun to cross the line into Martyrism and I say this with empathy and much love. Also, if we feel like no one is looking out for us or our well being or happiness then we need to ask ourselves "Am I looking out for myself?" and if our thoughts answer this question with "I'm to tired to do anything for myself" then again we've crossed the line. We have to take the time to love and nourish ourselves because no one else will ever think of us as being deserving if we don't first think we deserve this and give it to ourselves. We are in the best position to give to ourselves what we need, we know ourselves better than anyone outside of us does.
SS You do what is right for all involved. Yourself included.
I'm off to take Lucky back to the Vet for another re-check. Love you all.
You go girl Captain you are so right what did I get for 16 yrs plus of caregiving he would not even act like he knew me the last days. SS it is time to tell her how it will be it is no longer HER decision-do what needs to be done your siblings aren't in the picture so who cares what they think-do what you know you have to do she will have MOW and our folks get the same food we get at lunch at the senior center and I take half of mine home for another meal. You have done more and above-if she gets mad she will get over it-who else does she have the worthless sibs who are AWL. It is time to think of yourself.
Cattails - my Mom did her rehab in the same facility as where my Dad is at. Then after 20 days, you go home. Dad qualifies for Medicaid. She doesn't as she's still independent, they call it "the community spouse". AL facilities around here are all private pay and they social security income wouldn't cover it. Her issues are all age related, not very ambulatory, doesn't drive, no real dementia issues just lives in the pass with "I should, I could of, I would have...." Complains all the f*ing time. Anyway, enough. I'm done. Can't handle it anymore. And yes, you have to pay the nursing home our of pocket to the tune of $14k/month until you are on Medicaid. They only had enough for one month and now are "medicaid pending" which means you don't have to pay until your paperwork is complete. Thanks for asking and caring.
Bobbie, you are precious and you are right. Thank you for all of this. Unfortunately, AL facilities around here are all private pay. And they have no money except for SS that comes in. Not enough. I just completed the process of the Medicaid spend down for my Dad since he is in the NH and those costs are $14k/month here. And no joking, it is lovely. So the funds are very low. But you are so right about they would never have stopped their lives for their parents. In fact, my Aunt took care of my grandparents for years while my mother went on living her socialite life. And yes, I've aged so much. I look like shit and I used to be cute.
And you're also right about no 'suggestions'. Just tell them how it's going to be. I'll work on it. Thanks again. You save one lamb today.
Hi all, I can only talk for a minute. It's my day off, but I've got to keep track of father-in-law because mother-in-law needs to get her taxes done, I've also got my twin nephews for the next two days because they're visiting their dad for the week, but he has two jobs that have him busy during the day and for the night shift until wednesday. I really don't mind because it gives my son somone other than his sisters to play with. It's just keeping them busy while my kids are at school. Why can't every school have spring break at the same time? Anyway, love you all, gotta go.
SS: I went back and read your previous post, so I'm up to date. Your parents moved close to you in 2009. Your dad is in the NH with dementia. Your mom is recovering from a second hip replacement. You are in the process of the medicaid spend down. Does that mean you are paying the nursing home costs until their funds are exhausted?
It would be great if you could put your mom in AL and, honestly, I think it would be great if you could get her back to her home town. The distance would be good for you.
Why isn't your mom recovering from her hip surgery at the nursing home/rehab center?
SS: I'm behind you all the way. You have done your best, but now it's time to find a better way; a way that gives you a life and reunites you with your husband and children and also restores your health.
Can you tell us what is wrong with your mom health wise. Does she qualify for Medicaid? How long have your parents been in your care and how far away is her home town? When is the lease up?
May I also suggest that you stop doing your dad's laundry at the nursing home. Let the facility do it.
Selfish Sibs! Yes, Caregiving will kill you at worst and at the very least make you sick and weak. That's the awful truth that everyone wants to sweep under the carpet and why your sibs won't help and why when we're deep in this there is usually no one at all to turn to. Outsiders, whether they are our 'family' or not instinctively know to steer clear of this mess so they don't get sick and weak too. Sound ridiculous? I actually believe it to be true based on what I experienced as a 24/7 caregiver.
How far away is your mom's home town? Is there any way to get her in an AL facility there?
If you can hold on for another few weeks this can be lifted off of your shoulders and you can go back to being a wife instead of a slop nurse.
Do remember this: There are no 'suggestions' for most elderly. Tell her that this is how it's going to be. Sounds cruel but it is not. It's cruel to us that someone half out of their minds and at the end of their lives dictate to us how we are going to live.
Those who have been on this thread for awhile know that I am an advocate for placement. There are RARE exceptions such as Linda and Kuli who cared for their dads, but they are the exception not the rule. If I had to do it all over again there is no way I would have quit the job I loved and left the city I loved to be a slave to Dementia. It aged me 20 years in 7 and it's visible. Boy is it visible. I look older and feel older than my years all due to someone else's sense of what is right and wrong and due to my mother screaming at me to get me to do her bidding instead of me continuing on with the life I worked so hard to build and including my mom, but on my terms, not hers.
There's a guy here at the boatyard who has a MIL that lives 3 hours away and he was yakking to me about how she fell and they spent the entire weekend in the ER and blah blah blah and how he was going to either move her into his home with wife, grandkids and deadbeat SIL or rent her a 'little efficiency apartment' blah blah blah and I lost my mind. I couldn't listen to it anymore and said something to the order of, "I don't understand why people don't get this. Your MIL is 89 years old and she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore. Next. You are running your ass off back and forth, think she can live alone and she falls, WOW big surprise and now you're talking about a little apt where she can fall some more and really run you ragged. Place her in a nice facility."
Of course I am the devil for having the very real grasp of this that most don't have. Eldercare, the part where you are wiping and feeding and hauling, is best left to professionals. There is no way that one person can do this. Period.
Here's the bottom line: They had their turn at life and now it's your turn. I laugh when I think of my folks having to take care of their parents. Haha that NEVER would have happened. There is no way on God's Green Earth that my mom or dad would have stopped their careers or day to day activities to wipe ass. Please.
As you can see, I am still somewhat pissed by the whole thing but it is that attitude that just might save the next lamb from the slaughter.
SS, pop her into a facility in her home town but don't be surprised when her 'friends' never show up. Or, is there an AL part in the place where your dad is?
Oh... and screw the sibs. Just make the decisions and when it's all over and the dust settles, I seriously doubt that anyone will gripe. If they do, give me their phone #s and I will straighten them out no kidding.
Hi all, kind of breaking down here. I can't do this anymore. My mom rents and before we renew the lease for another year, I am going to suggest she move back to her home town to be near her friends since my siblings won't help me, I can no longer do this alone and at least she'll be near friends. I'll even help her move, set up Meals on Wheels and the shuttle service. etc... I just can't do this anymore. It's killing me, my marriage and my body. I'm a mess. I think the preparation of spending down to medicaid, all the paperwork, the lawyers, helping Mom through her fifth surgery in three years, all the driving, all the errands, her addictions, her constant complaining and constantly defending the other two siblings that don't help in anyway and haven't seen her in over a year, (one hasn't been here since Aug 2010), and Dad now in a NH, I'm cooked to a crisp. How can I make this happen?
Diane: I feel so bad for you. Since your sibs have disposable income, is it not in their power to help with costs? Maybe you have asked them, I'm not totally sure of the history, but your health and well being is a valid as any other. I hope you can find a way to make your needs known and get some family support. You are doing all the work for your sibs, taking care of your mom and leaving them free to have their lives. Can't they help make your life easier? You have certainly made their lives easier. Love and Hugs to you, Cattails.
Cattails, I'm never to far away. It's good you're making those 3 days for respite for yourself! You go girl! Our weather has been so nice here that I've been spending more time outdoors. Usually the weekends I get a little break from Dad being clingy because he is totally absorbed in the sports on TV Yay!
It's really sad that so many people just get stuck in the past. It's hard to listen to it for sure. Can you imagine the look on our parents faces if we were to say "just shut the F up"? Priceless! Of course it would be kinder to leave out the F word, LOL
Diane, GF, there is nothing wrong with saying NO to your Mother so you can take care of yourself. Depression is anger turned inward and it is better to just express your feelings openly and honestly without guilt..now go get those eyes looked at! You deserve it! I know how it is because the anger zaps our energy and when we can get any break at all we are to exhausted to do for ourselves, so just know that it's okay be be angry and express it to let it work it's way out and on from you. You have so much on your plate dear Diane, Please give yourself a break. You need to girlfriend for your emotional and physical well being and especially if James is headed for surgery. My heart goes out to you.
I'm getting out of her for an hour right now and go get some breakfast with the Hubby. Love you all! *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Just a quick hello while I drink my coffee. Mom has had me up way before dawn and before that my back was too painful to sleep. I've spent my weekend running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I was hoping to go to church this morning, but think I will go into work. I have 13 buses leaving in the next three days and have so much to get ready for each tour. Feeling the usual frustrations of being a caregiver. The one bit of good news I received on Friday was that my bf won't need heart surgery, or at least not for the next three months. I may not post very often, but you all, new and old, are all on my mind daily. I hope Omaha will do well with his surgery and Sherry's baby is doing better with his eye. I bitch and complain about my situation but I know there are others of you that have so much more on your plate than hi. I commend you for juggling caregiving, husbands/wives and children. Luckily I don't have the children to contend with, but I have a supportive bf and only my ornery mother. SS, like you I've stopped wasting so much time on the sibs & nephew that wish to be critical but don't offer much if any help. When they do help I let them think their small contributions are the biggest gift in the world to support their egos. In the mean time I am going blind since I can't afford to have my eyes tested and new glasses and can't get the time to go to the doctor to take care of myself. All typical caregiver stuff the sibs would know nothing about since they have disposable incomes and I can barely make ends meet.
Well, coffee time is over. Let the races begin :)
Have a good friend my dear friends and fellow caregivers!
Cattails - Because our (yours and mine) living arrangement are different with our folks, yours are under foot and mine is down the street, it's opposite for me. I spend hours each day during the week juggling my teenagers, my dad in the NH, (visits and laundry), my Mom, (doc appts, groceries, meds, bills, hair etc.), my OWN errands and so on . And I put in about 9 hours every day for my business including the weekends. So when the weekend comes, I try to stay away from them and regroup. So very unfair for my husband watching me so stressed out and not able to enjoy our own life together.
I had very strong hate for my siblings up until about 6 months ago. I still don't like them and will never forget how they abandoned me in caring for BOTH our parents, without as such as a phone call to check in with me or actually ask ME how I'm doing. They suck and get the St. Patty's day boil (it's a joke on this thread). I'm too tired to hate them now. Now I just don't think about them as much. I used to tear my hair out thinking why won't they come help me? Come for a weekend and give me a break? Even when I asked they didn't. And they haven't in the three years I've been running this circus. So I just accept my situation and take one day at a time.
Now, the mother thing and the rear view mirror. I have to tell her to stop talking ---or "call your other daughter who never comes to see you and tell her all this please because I don't care." And of course she doesn't shut up. Things from years ago and "you know, your father never liked my family...." or "why did he have to fall and screw everything up?" or "maybe we never should have moved here...." Or how about this one - "I should have married Daniel." Some guy who liked her when she was 18!!! She's f*in 84!!! Oh yeah, deep dark therapy needed here.....Some days I walk out and just say "goodbye, see you tomorrow". I have to or I'd go nuts, more nuts than I already am. We call it "would of, should of, could of." It's maddening.Try to get out and take a walk today. I find that can change your whole day.
Selfish Sibs: I hear you on the rear view mirror stuff. I use to color my moms hair and then blow dry and curl. During this time she would always just start in about my dad. It was shit from so many years ago, but on she would go. Sometimes she would say, "Oh, I shouldn't be saying this to you, it's all in the past and I know you love your dad." And I would think, "Why don't you just shut the fuck up then." Jesus, let it go and stop with the constant going back. She was the first to admit how much he did for her as she became less able. I mean he really was 100 percent in taking care of her. But she could not let any wrong go. She could not forgive. I'm really not judging her, just saying how it affected me. It must have affected my dad a lot too, because he so mourned all his mistakes. I think he is afraid to die because he will be harshly judged. So sad for all concerned. Cattails.
Hey crew: I really miss you guys on the weekend. I'm stuck in the house with nothing to do but watch my dad and you guys are having fun. Igore, where the heck are you my little monster buddy. Cricket, CHRISTINA, Bobbie. The weekends are the worst for me. We did get out for about 45 minutes today. Chopped up a bunch of produce to give to the composting worms, who are still thriviing...Yeah. And dug up the rest of the potatoes. We have a huge veg garden area. Will be planting lettuce, carrots, radishes, spinach, etc. soon. Still working on my dad's house to get it ready for rent. Going to try a vacation rental first and see how that goes. Would prefer it to a full time neighbor.
Anyway, thank's SS for your post and your hug. Sending love back to you. Cattails.
Cindretha: We are going to put my dad is respite care the end of this month. We are looking forward to having 3 days to ourselves. It's expensive, $575.00 for 3 days, but it could be much more expensive and we will do it because we need it so much. There is really no way to do it without breaking the bank. You can ask someone to volunteer a couple of hours, but a weekend is too much to ask. I don't ask my friends to sit my dad. For some reason I can't do it. He's so much work and strangers are just that to him. Plus volunteers are not dependable and that is a must for us to feel at peace. I have 2 brothers and a sister that live in California, 2 states away. My sister was going to be here for the holidays, didn't come. Then she swore she would be here for Spring break. She hasn't shown up yet and Spring break is over tomorrow. I could say something mean to her, but she has money issues and is an avoider when it comes to being honest and up front. It's her shame and I don't need to add to it. I use to always pay her flight costs, but after she insisted I pay for her adult children too, with the promise that she would pay me back, which she never did, I just decided to quit adding the financial costs of her assistance to my frustration with her. For her it was a vacation at my expense. Since my dad has been under our roof and in need of 24/7 care she has not been here.
I'm glad you have got your family issues together. Sometimes, actually often, one person gets stuck with the majority of caring issues and the others pick up tiny pits and pieces, if anything at all. Selfish sibs knows this and so do I.
Here's something funny. My brother, Robert, who can make a nickle scream, actually sent me $200.00 to help with respite costs for my dad. This happened a couple of weeks ago. He called tonight and asked my why dad continues to hang on. Why doesn't he just let go. I was telling my husband about this and he said, "Why is Robert so all of a sudden into your dad letting go." I said, "Well, it just cost him $200.00." Funny how some folks don't feel an urgency until they have to fork out a couple bucks. My parents were wise to pick me as the one who would be responsible for their medical needs. If they had picked another sib, I would not have ever moved them up here. But they wanted me and so when I moved out of state I felt like I had left them and felt a responsibility to give them the option to move here.
Take care and thanks for your kind thoughts. Cattails.
Mom is out taking him over the barber shop...I have opened every damn window in the house. Good fifty today so not like it is freezing. Vacuumed his room and emptied all the garbage, mom will be po'd when she sees that we have two garbage cans worth of garbage...SHE wanted to be cheap and go half the size we had before Yes, my fault again....
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Igore, I hope things get better and the worker with the head injury recovers. Diane, I sure hope you can get some help with your eyesight.
Reading about the problems of taking care of parents is scary. How do you put someone in a nursing home that doesn't want to go? My Mom and step dad live just up the road. So far they don't need too much help. They both can still drive, manage cooking and cleaning.
I used to say, I would happily take care of my Step father, if he got down, but I wouldn't lift a finger for my Mom. Now I'm not so sure. My stepfather used to be kind, generous, and fun loving. My Mother was cold, self centered, and abusive. But, now I see my Step father getting very childish, and difficult. While my Mother actually seems to be trying to make amends. I am almost starting to feel sorry for her.. She is getting very forgetful, and confused sometimes, but I can't believe how much nicer she is. I really love my step Dad, but if he keeps getting crankier I don't think I can handle it. What a guilt trip.
I have to get to bed, been a long day. Love you guys.
♥ .))(
♫ .(ړײ) ♫.
♥ .«▓» ♥.
♫ ..╝╚.. ♫
Its been a crazier weekend that I have time to explain. Today at work a worker suffered a head injury. The next few hours are critical for him. Anyways, Cattails I have been watching from the castle but have not been able to shout out to you all.
Have a great evening,
Igore
Diane, I would just come out and ask the sibs that you need help from them to all pitch in for it is their mom too! That what are you going to do when you can no long see to take care of your mom? You to get that eye exam and if they are too selfish to help you out with a pair of glasses then is their a clinic or something that can help pay for a pair? That is so awful of kin folks that have money to waste and don't even offer to help out. I guess sometimes you have to come straight out and let them know you need help for it is their mom as well. I wish you luck.
Cattail, maybe we can all come up to your place and play with the worms and then have a toss salad. ; )
Yes, we certainly remember when our parents were of sound mind and could push our buttons, but it is a new world now, and WE, the adult offspring, are in charge. There is no negotiating with them at this point. Nothing left over from the old days except the memories of who, what, how they were.
I had good intentions when I brought my Mother into our home, and my husband was supportive--in fact, it was his idea--which I will kill him for at some other time.
I am still in charge of her care, but only from an administrative position. I do not want any more control than I have. I try to visit her every other day. Some days I cringe that I have to go, other days I want to be there for her. I believe it is simply my emotions and thoughts involved, even though when she is alert, she seems to be happy to see me.
I decided-- after I gained weight, could not sleep at night anymore for more then a couple hours at a time, developed problems with my feet, psoriasis patches, and my relationship with my sister was totally ruined-- to let my survival instinct override my sense of martyred duty. I know I can do almost anything better for anyone in my home than a stranger can or will in a care home. "Oh Well."
Good, now I have tried it. We had a few months of semi-enjoyable bonding which never happened when it should have--like 60 years ago-- and that was because now I was the arbiter, so it was a nicey nice scenario.
I am focused on my husband and myself now, and what I want to squeeze out of my life, because the hourglass is running out.
Maybe the experience made me more serious about my own life. I am thankful that I have a stronger sense of what I will not put up with anymore, and I speak up with no holds barred. Sometimes it does not go over well, but I have made my unarguable point. I also know what I DO want, and I am working on that, as well.
I am happy for Linda and Kuli who loved and admired their Dads, their heroes. God Bless them all. Some of us are not that fortunate, and we cannot create what was never there. Those of us with less than heroes for parents must take who we are and start from there, which is what I did. We are all different, our family dynamics are different. Our siblings are serving their purpose in our lives, too. In my situation, there was never any unity or core of family, so no cooperation.
I think my sister tried to give me what help she could, but her inability to be upfront and instead use the opportunity to further put me down was a mistake on her part. However, if we ever resume our relationship, it will be on terms that must be open and honest, and I am not sure she can do that.
Love you, Bobbie. Diane, I hope you make a choice for YOU. Cattails, cindretha, Selfish Siblings, Ditto. Please don't sacrifice yourself, your perfectly good kids and husbands. I am sorry for the difficulties you all have with these situations. Try not to spin your wheels too many times before you change it up. Peace.
Love,
Christina xo
i moved dad into my home , either nursing home or stay at my house . i have no pblm with dad , he is a sweet heart and a very kind man and always says thank you when i do things for him . it makes me feel worth while cuz i am able to spend every lasting moments with my sweet dad . i do not regret it at all , i would do it again if dad came back alive . we had fun going shopping and out riding around and did things till he could no longer walk , it all changed , it was sad but we still have a good time , and it made dad feel safe here with me and i felt worry free havin him here . while he was in rehab yes i worried and was with him at rehab more than i was begin at home . i couldnt wait to get him home with me . dad is my pride and joy i love that man with all my heart , he raise me well and treated me like i was his best friend . i return that favor cuz he did not want to be around old people and people he doesnt know and i didnt blame him ... open my wings and took him in ....... yes it aged me like it did to bobbie . i hurt all over every day . mostly is from workin in the factory for 10 yrs that ruined me and takin care of dad didnt do any better . till my dr fixed me right up and i was ok after that .
while i was readin who posted about how hateful thier elders were and no respect what so ever . was brought up and raise up with no love in thier heart what so ever , i shake my head thinkin i could not care for the parents who were mean to me while growing up . i would have taken them to nursing home and ck up on them every so often . thats a whole diffrent ball park with me . my parents are the kind of parents u want ! your parents are the kind i do not want .... there s no way i would let them make my life ugly again if it was ugly while growing up . no way i can do that ......
mother in law has alz realy bad , doesnt know her own home , there s no way in hell i can take care of her . her poopy toilet paper does not go in the toilet ! it goes behind something that ya never dream she put it there . i am still finding stuff she hid , i still cant find her pull up she put em somewhere , maybe i wont ever find it .
again i will not take care of her and hubby knows it . his brother aw bless his heart , he is suffering and is lonely and is pretty much fked up . called me the other night waaa waaa waaaaaaaaa . i told him to call me a day ahead and i ll come sit with mom while he goes get grocries or go mow the grass , while he s mowing she wanders off or she s following him around . grocries store she wanders off . fights with him . keeps askin him do u know where my son is , he flips said i am ur son mom ! she says no ure not and all hell breaks lose . its ugly memories for him .... nightmare ! i told him its not going to get any better , its going to get worst ......
you have to decide whats best for you and whats best for ur parent , i do not regret takin pa in , i love that man so much and we always cared for eachother . i am his baby girl ....
bobbie ! i am glad u took care of ur mom cuz if u never did we would have never met !!!! u would have not started this post dear . there would be no boat .
dad always said things happens for a reason . well mm i think its boat time ! lalala
i still havent cleaned pa s room . i go in there and stop and look and back out . then i got to thinkin what made me think i could clean out his trialer 1 thousand miles from here . mmmm ah i let the lord guide me to where ever path i shall take .
jsomebody , i dont think its diane s eyes i think shes talkin about crickets doggie s eyes . :-) unless im wrong and missed that post somewhere ? anyways i apprecatie you for gathering up so much garbages ! hell with limit trash , fk it , youre a sweet heart and knows whats best for you and ur family .
i am worried about u jsomebody ! fear that u re gonna end up takin care of your mom and make ur life hell . please put her in nursing home and go enjoy ur fp s money and live a high life on bobbie s boat . drink alotta margaritta dear . u need to get away realy bad . when fp passes away i hope ur mom goes softer on you . love you jenny girl ....
guy came this morning to trim the front trees away from the power line . well hubbys gonna be piss off and see they have realy hacked it all off . those trees looks very pityful , those trees are my hubbys pride and joy . well not anymore today lol . he s gonna bark at me cuz i didnt go stand out there and supervise and tell em its enuff . 7 yrs ago those guys came and realy hacked the hell out of it , of course i got yelled at . well im getting ready to get yelled at in about couple hrs . ifhe does im leavin lol ...
love you all and u guys please be happy .. xoxoxox
Bobby!! You said the profound truth perfectly!! Thank you, seriously. I hope everyone here pays attention to what you said. I think the biggest problem we all have to face in caregiving is to know where to draw the line before we are Martyring ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't have parents who were those we could respect and look up to and it really makes a difference in caregiving. My FIL Charlie was a very honorable and respectful man and I took care of him until he died and the whole experience between caring for him and my own father is like night a day. It seems like the more selfish the parent the more they will run us into the ground if we let them. Because most of us are loving and caring people the selfish parent or whoever we are in charge of really capitalize on this. In the end what really matters is everyone's lives, everyone's happiness. If we feel like it's impossible to have a life of our own then we have begun to cross the line into Martyrism and I say this with empathy and much love. Also, if we feel like no one is looking out for us or our well being or happiness then we need to ask ourselves "Am I looking out for myself?" and if our thoughts answer this question with "I'm to tired to do anything for myself" then again we've crossed the line. We have to take the time to love and nourish ourselves because no one else will ever think of us as being deserving if we don't first think we deserve this and give it to ourselves. We are in the best position to give to ourselves what we need, we know ourselves better than anyone outside of us does.
SS You do what is right for all involved. Yourself included.
I'm off to take Lucky back to the Vet for another re-check. Love you all.
Chirp Chirp Cricketღ
xo
-SS
And you're also right about no 'suggestions'. Just tell them how it's going to be. I'll work on it. Thanks again. You save one lamb today.
xo
-SS
It would be great if you could put your mom in AL and, honestly, I think it would be great if you could get her back to her home town. The distance would be good for you.
Why isn't your mom recovering from her hip surgery at the nursing home/rehab center?
Cattails
Can you tell us what is wrong with your mom health wise. Does she qualify for Medicaid? How long have your parents been in your care and how far away is her home town? When is the lease up?
May I also suggest that you stop doing your dad's laundry at the nursing home. Let the facility do it.
Lots of Hugs and Love to you, Cattails
Selfish Sibs! Yes, Caregiving will kill you at worst and at the very least make you sick and weak. That's the awful truth that everyone wants to sweep under the carpet and why your sibs won't help and why when we're deep in this there is usually no one at all to turn to. Outsiders, whether they are our 'family' or not instinctively know to steer clear of this mess so they don't get sick and weak too.
Sound ridiculous? I actually believe it to be true based on what I experienced as a 24/7 caregiver.
How far away is your mom's home town?
Is there any way to get her in an AL facility there?
If you can hold on for another few weeks this can be lifted off of your shoulders and you can go back to being a wife instead of a slop nurse.
Do remember this: There are no 'suggestions' for most elderly. Tell her that this is how it's going to be. Sounds cruel but it is not. It's cruel to us that someone half out of their minds and at the end of their lives dictate to us how we are going to live.
Those who have been on this thread for awhile know that I am an advocate for placement. There are RARE exceptions such as Linda and Kuli who cared for their dads, but they are the exception not the rule.
If I had to do it all over again there is no way I would have quit the job I loved and left the city I loved to be a slave to Dementia.
It aged me 20 years in 7 and it's visible. Boy is it visible. I look older and feel older than my years all due to someone else's sense of what is right and wrong and due to my mother screaming at me to get me to do her bidding instead of me continuing on with the life I worked so hard to build and including my mom, but on my terms, not hers.
There's a guy here at the boatyard who has a MIL that lives 3 hours away and he was yakking to me about how she fell and they spent the entire weekend in the ER and blah blah blah and how he was going to either move her into his home with wife, grandkids and deadbeat SIL or rent her a 'little efficiency apartment' blah blah blah and I lost my mind. I couldn't listen to it anymore and said something to the order of, "I don't understand why people don't get this. Your MIL is 89 years old and she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore. Next. You are running your ass off back and forth, think she can live alone and she falls, WOW big surprise and now you're talking about a little apt where she can fall some more and really run you ragged. Place her in a nice facility."
Of course I am the devil for having the very real grasp of this that most don't have. Eldercare, the part where you are wiping and feeding and hauling, is best left to professionals. There is no way that one person can do this. Period.
Here's the bottom line: They had their turn at life and now it's your turn. I laugh when I think of my folks having to take care of their parents. Haha that NEVER would have happened. There is no way on God's Green Earth that my mom or dad would have stopped their careers or day to day activities to wipe ass. Please.
As you can see, I am still somewhat pissed by the whole thing but it is that attitude that just might save the next lamb from the slaughter.
SS, pop her into a facility in her home town but don't be surprised when her 'friends' never show up. Or, is there an AL part in the place where your dad is?
Oh... and screw the sibs. Just make the decisions and when it's all over and the dust settles, I seriously doubt that anyone will gripe. If they do, give me their phone #s and I will straighten them out no kidding.
BOAT!!!
Love all you guys more than you'll ever know.
lovbob
-SS
Cattails, I'm never to far away. It's good you're making those 3 days for respite for yourself! You go girl! Our weather has been so nice here that I've been spending more time outdoors. Usually the weekends I get a little break from Dad being clingy because he is totally absorbed in the sports on TV Yay!
It's really sad that so many people just get stuck in the past. It's hard to listen to it for sure. Can you imagine the look on our parents faces if we were to say "just shut the F up"? Priceless! Of course it would be kinder to leave out the F word, LOL
Diane, GF, there is nothing wrong with saying NO to your Mother so you can take care of yourself. Depression is anger turned inward and it is better to just express your feelings openly and honestly without guilt..now go get those eyes looked at! You deserve it! I know how it is because the anger zaps our energy and when we can get any break at all we are to exhausted to do for ourselves, so just know that it's okay be be angry and express it to let it work it's way out and on from you. You have so much on your plate dear Diane, Please give yourself a break. You need to girlfriend for your emotional and physical well being and especially if James is headed for surgery. My heart goes out to you.
I'm getting out of her for an hour right now and go get some breakfast with the Hubby. Love you all!
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Just a quick hello while I drink my coffee. Mom has had me up way before dawn and before that my back was too painful to sleep. I've spent my weekend running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I was hoping to go to church this morning, but think I will go into work. I have 13 buses leaving in the next three days and have so much to get ready for each tour. Feeling the usual frustrations of being a caregiver. The one bit of good news I received on Friday was that my bf won't need heart surgery, or at least not for the next three months. I may not post very often, but you all, new and old, are all on my mind daily. I hope Omaha will do well with his surgery and Sherry's baby is doing better with his eye. I bitch and complain about my situation but I know there are others of you that have so much more on your plate than hi. I commend you for juggling caregiving, husbands/wives and children. Luckily I don't have the children to contend with, but I have a supportive bf and only my ornery mother. SS, like you I've stopped wasting so much time on the sibs & nephew that wish to be critical but don't offer much if any help. When they do help I let them think their small contributions are the biggest gift in the world to support their egos. In the mean time I am going blind since I can't afford to have my eyes tested and new glasses and can't get the time to go to the doctor to take care of myself. All typical caregiver stuff the sibs would know nothing about since they have disposable incomes and I can barely make ends meet.
Well, coffee time is over. Let the races begin :)
Have a good friend my dear friends and fellow caregivers!
Love ya,
Diane
I had very strong hate for my siblings up until about 6 months ago. I still don't like them and will never forget how they abandoned me in caring for BOTH our parents, without as such as a phone call to check in with me or actually ask ME how I'm doing. They suck and get the St. Patty's day boil (it's a joke on this thread). I'm too tired to hate them now. Now I just don't think about them as much. I used to tear my hair out thinking why won't they come help me? Come for a weekend and give me a break? Even when I asked they didn't. And they haven't in the three years I've been running this circus. So I just accept my situation and take one day at a time.
Now, the mother thing and the rear view mirror. I have to tell her to stop talking ---or "call your other daughter who never comes to see you and tell her all this please because I don't care." And of course she doesn't shut up. Things from years ago and "you know, your father never liked my family...." or "why did he have to fall and screw everything up?" or "maybe we never should have moved here...." Or how about this one - "I should have married Daniel." Some guy who liked her when she was 18!!! She's f*in 84!!! Oh yeah, deep dark therapy needed here.....Some days I walk out and just say "goodbye, see you tomorrow". I have to or I'd go nuts, more nuts than I already am. We call it "would of, should of, could of." It's maddening.Try to get out and take a walk today. I find that can change your whole day.
xoxo
-Selfish Sibs.
Anyway, thank's SS for your post and your hug. Sending love back to you. Cattails.
I'm glad you have got your family issues together. Sometimes, actually often, one person gets stuck with the majority of caring issues and the others pick up tiny pits and pieces, if anything at all. Selfish sibs knows this and so do I.
Here's something funny. My brother, Robert, who can make a nickle scream, actually sent me $200.00 to help with respite costs for my dad. This happened a couple of weeks ago. He called tonight and asked my why dad continues to hang on. Why doesn't he just let go. I was telling my husband about this and he said, "Why is Robert so all of a sudden into your dad letting go." I said, "Well, it just cost him $200.00." Funny how some folks don't feel an urgency until they have to fork out a couple bucks. My parents were wise to pick me as the one who would be responsible for their medical needs. If they had picked another sib, I would not have ever moved them up here. But they wanted me and so when I moved out of state I felt like I had left them and felt a responsibility to give them the option to move here.
Take care and thanks for your kind thoughts. Cattails.
Good weekend all!