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Cindretha, I have asked both my siblings for help several times and both said no. Like I said, one only wants the money (there is none that's the joke) and other won't commit because his wife might get mad at him. So for me, family is the furthest thing from "where it's at".
Cattails, your life is very self-less and supportive of your father and you are to be commended for your self-less acts of love and giving nature. Could you find someone to come stay with your dad for a weekend so you could get a break and go for a much-needed weekend adventure or rest? There should be someone from church, your neighborhood, or even a medical service that could offer this service now and then, without breaking the bank. Just an idea....
Selfish Siblings, all that you have described about your father since your mom's passing sounds much like my mothers' condition, only she hasn't had a stroke. Hers has just been brought on by age, dementia, hardening of the arteries, and general age-related conditions. Although here lately I've come to question if she hasn't had a small, maybe not as obvious, stroke since that's not uncommon with folks in here age/health group. The dr hasn't said NO but he hasn't ruled it out entirely either, so it remains a possibility.
Mom can't and won't wear her upper denture. She never adjusted to like with dentures very well, even before her decline. My son thought she had a bar of soap in her mouth as she'd flip the plate loose with her tongue and all but spit the thing out across the room! She didn't keep up with trips to the dentist for fittings, adjustments, or care for the teeth she had left, so now after all these years, she goes around with scraggly looking lower teeth (what few she has left) and no uppers at all. But she wears that upper plate in her bra, which has been a "biting" surprise to many nurses! Her latest is the inability to walk and/or refusal to even try. She claims it's her knees hurting all the time but reality revealed she's just that scared of falling. So she has a wheelchair to get to and from the dining hall of her assisted living resort, with the benefit of an aide to navigate the halls. She cannot manage that on her own.
As for sibling help, there's just me and my sister. Sis is the primary caregiver, assumed that role early on as she has no husband and no kids living at home to prevent her from just up and going whenever the situation called for it. And I'm very thankful she took on that role but it really put our relationship at risk for a number of years. However we've since talked openly, and often with tears of sadness and regret, and she understands now that as the youngest I wasn't "allowed" by mother to help out, the mom specifically said she didn't want or need my help since my sister was around, that my role would be to help my sister in later years. Well my sister didn't believe this at first, but mom spoke up one lucid day and commented how glad she was to have my sisters' care for her physical and financial needs, and that my sister should be proud to know she had a younger/stronger sister "in the wings" to pick up and help when moms health really declines. So sis finally "got the picture" of what I'd tried to explain early on, and since then she's consulted me about any number of "what do you think" times, and relies on me more now since moms health has really been declining in the last couple of years. We've come to a mutual and companionable agreement of each others' strengths and abilities, and very respectful of the limits and boundaries. So now everything isn't just on my sisters' shoulders to handle, and I'm no longer "waiting in the wings" for my turn to be part of the family again. I can's say I'm thrilled about handling all the details of moms daily care, health issues, mental lapses, days of depression, or whatever else Mom comes up with, (incontinence is a constant problem anymore) but we're in this together and our sister-relationship has never been this strong!
Maybe you've tried open-dialogue with your siblings concerning care for your dad. But you have to keep pushing them for their own good. Kind of like running your business: if you gave up when someone didn't do their part of the job, you wouldn't have a business anymore. Family is where it's at.
Hi Maureen,I've been on this thread for a while now. Hi everyone!!!! Haven't posted that much lately as I have been busy caring for BOTH my parents. Mom just had her second hip replaced and back at her apartment recovering. We moved them both out of their home that was falling apart around them in 2009 to be near us because Dad no longer bathed or did anything around the house and my mother drank around the clock. I have a sibling that lived 15 minutes from them but refused to help because she is so selfish. Anyway, maybe I am just a few steps behind you, Cattails. My mother was addicted to pain meds for a very, very long time too. The doctor just just prescribing them -- eating them like candy. And when she ran out and the drug store wouldn't refill because it wasn't time yet, she was an outrageous bit@h! She was like that other times too just because Dad was driving her crazy. He has dementia and is a mean crazy person. Some get happy when they get crazy; some get mean. She's had five surgeries since living near us. Dad has had such incredible nasty raging fits of dementia that one time, we had to call the police. Anyway, he fell four times just before this past Christmas and that did him in, and now in a NH, and miserable. I am in the process of the Medicaid spend down and compiling ALL the voluminous paper work with no help from my siblings. One wants their money and one just doesn't really give a shit. So Mom lives 4 minutes away but I have to do everything for her, groceries, meds, doc appts, church, hair and the list goes on. Plus, I have to listen to her about ALL the many regrets in her life. The whole rear mirror thing is exhausting. I tell her I can't be her therapist too. I'm at the end of my rope. It was hard to make the decision to put Dad in the NH but we didn't have a choice because Mom is so frail she can't care for him (incontinence, can't walk or transfer etc...) and I run a company and still raising teenagers. My own family truly has been devastated by their move here. We have not enjoyed our lives the way we would have wanted to either. And not having ANY support from the siblings just puts the cherry on the shit cupcake. Yet, I have no regrets, I'm just exhausted all the time....So I hear ya, girl. Hang in there.xoxo-SS
Meanwhile: My best wishes to your precious rescue horse. I am keeping the best thoughts for a good surgical outcome. Safe travels to you and best wishes to Omaha. Poor little baby.
Hi Crew: So here is part three of the trilogy. So my mom passed away on Dec. 18, 2008. It was her 81st birthday. My dad was relieved on some level because my moms care was so intensive and she had so many emotional issues as well as medical, but in a short time the relief vanished and he felt devastated by the loss of his companion. That grief continued for another year or more. He really was so missing her and relived every thing he had done wrong in their 60 plus years of marriage. He was especially ashamed of an affair he had been involved in when I was just 15 years old. It really devastated my mom. My dad moved out and left her with 4 children to care for. I've no doubt that he contributed to our expenses, but he was really an ass at the time and it was a long and rocky road until they reunited. They suffered bankruptcy and all in all it was a very bad time for all of us. So that is what my dad focused on after my mom passed and it was very painful for him. I would come over to check on him and he would ask me some questions about what I remembered about that time and then tell me some of what he remembered. He would cry and I would tell him that he had been forgiven long ago and that mom was counting the days to when they would be together again.
On the whole, in my dad's later years, he was a pretty easy guy to be around and it was easy to see that he cared about his children. That wasn't as easy to see when he was younger.
My dad had a stroke in 2002 and it affected his eyesight. He lost the left perifvial (sp) vision in both eyes. No more driving and no more working. My dad loved working and being useful so that was quite a blow to him.
Between his stroke issues and my mom's medical issues, we moved them to our new home location after we retired. We retied in June 2004 and had about a year before my parents got here. We built a small house (1100 sq. feet) next door to our place and moved them up.
One of the things that gave my dad a new lease on life here was when he saw my husband on the riding lawn mower. He was itching to get behind the wheel again and feel useful. So my husband said, "Have at it." My dad had a hard time with the riding mower, and would have eventually killed it, always riding the brake and not not really being able to adjust the the way it drove, so my dear sweet husband bought my dad his own riding mower. It drove like a car, with a gas peddle and break and it fit with him like a hand in a glove. Also, because my dad was subject to skin cancer and refused to wear a sun hat, my husband made sure my dad's new mower had a canopy over head. This was when we had a few extra dollars to spend which is not the case anymore. My dad was in hog heaven.
So there he was, out riding the range. Mowing to his hearts content. He not only mowed most of our place, but would then go next door and mow the neighbor's 5 acres. It cost us a shit load in gas, but he had a purpose and some independence, so all was good with the world.
Bear in mind that his vision wasn't the best, so there would always be sections that didn't get mowed, strips that remained. It kind of looked like a patchwork quilt, be we would go out and finish the job. Nothing pissed him off more than to hear the mower(s) start up and see Warren and I mowing. But he got to do the lions share and it was a help to us.
Many was the time that I was going somewhere and I would hear the mower start up and just think "Shit". We couldn't both be gone when my dad was on the mower. He would often get stuck and need help getting back on track. This was a constant in our lives.
One time my dad was mowing and all of sudden the sound of the engine stopped. A clue to us that dad was having a problem. My husband went out to see what was wrong. Evidently, my dad had failed to see a tree and the tree caught the canopy on the mower and ripped it off. Dad was still oblivious, the jolt of the canopy ripping off didn't get his attention, nor the sudden brightness around him and so he carried on, dragging the canopy behind him. Finally, he decided to back up, and the canopy went under the blades. End of mowing for that day.
My dad loved to take his walks. Our road is a small paved country lane. It is also a private road and a dead end, so safe enough for him to venture out several times each day. I don't think he ever walked less that 4 miles a day. All the neighbors liked him and would always stop to chat with him. He was the guy in the know. His hearing was terrible, but somehow he always heard what the neighbors said.
After my mom died, dad always came here every night for dinner and then we would play a few rounds of cribbage. He loved to win and went home happy.
So my dad had a major stroke July 1, 2011. It left him with speech and swallow problems. He is also incontinent and can't navigate with his walker with out physical assistance. He came home to live with us in early October.
He is not a difficult person, but he needs 24/7 care. I can't take a shower if my husband is not here to keep an eye on my dad. We have a monitor so we can watch him at all times if we are in other rooms. That is a must because he will try to get out of his chair at various times and is a huge risk for falling.
I love my dad, but I am so tired of the parent care issues. I retired 7 1/2 years ago, but have not had but a few months peace. Even before my folks moved here, we had to get their house built. It was ridiculous. My dad insisted on 2 bathrooms and absolutely had to have a garage. He hadn't had a garage in 30 some years. It really hurt us financially to give them all they "had to have".
The house has been sitting their vacant since July of last year. I know I should rent it out to bring in some much needed income, but it has been very painful to clear out their personal belongings. I have some few remaining clothes of my fathers to take out. Those are the hardest for me because they are clothes I bought him to go to Wales in 2009 to reunite with his family. It has special meaning to me and I remember him all dressed up with all the family fussing over him at a reunion. He was the star of the show.
So now I find myself so very tired. He's been under our roof for almost 6 months and my life is non-existent. I feel guilty because he's not a bad person, a difficult person or a hateful person. It's just that I would so love to be free and have a life of my own. It's been a very long 6 1/2 years of taking care of my parents.
When I think of Linda, who was such a devoted daughter and misses her dad every day so much, I wonder what is lacking in me. I will miss my dad, but I will miss looking out the kitchen window and seeing him walking down the street and talking to the neighbors. I will not miss him living like he is now.
Love and Hugs to all of you. Thanks for listening to me and being my friends.
Thanks, Angela. It's been a long time since our mother cut loose like that. She'd become so self-absorbed or plain silent that we weren't sure if that part was gone for good. Last night's memory is precious and the story is being shared with all who will listen and appreciate.
I love those moments!!! They seem rare the more this disease progresses but they remind us that they are IN THERE SOMEWHERE :) Good for you to be able to share that moment of laughter with her! God Bless
Family night dinner at moms assisted living facility last night and, for the first time in quite a while, mom was "on her game"! The activities director is a wonderful lady named Connie and she was greeting everyone with elegance and flair to "A Night on Broadway", complete with music associated with NYC, and a nice meal, and her characterization of "Dahling", and "so lovely to see you" to everyone she met. Well mother isn't fond of Connie when she uses the microphone to make her announcements but suffers in silence making faces now and then if a comment is "suppose" to be cute or funny. So Connie is welcoming us "Dahlings" to her "sophisticated party" and mom leans over and asks, "What'd she say?" And I told mom she said she's sophisticated. Mom said, "She wants to be asphyxiated? Good!" And I about died laughing! And she was really meaning it to be funny which is something we haven't had from her in ages! In all it was a good dinner, not so great musical entertainment but there's limits to a saxaphone and the person playing it, and mom was in unusually good humor.
Linda heart get away from home for a while-you are the hero and also your dad-my father never talked about WW2-I do not think many men did and we did not have TV's to know what was happening every min-we had to wait for letters. I hope you get rest and change of scenery and we will be glad to have you back when you are ready-we need your tender heart with us.
LindaHeart, You are blessed. Have a good trip. Best for you to get a good break and distraction. If you make it to California, guest room is waiting. Endless skinny margaritas--well, you can have regular ones, you're already skinny. I'll cook for you and we'll go to the beach, look at boats and get some sun. I'm hugging and kissing my Mom all the time. Yesterday I took 2 books and read to her out of both. "Why a Daughter Needs a Mom", and "The Lord is My Sheperd." She responded. Sister brought her a pound of See's candy the other day. Like I said, she perked up, and we are thankful for good days. Yes, your Daddy was a Hero, a good man, patriarch of a solid family, and that is a life worthy of hearing God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Love you mucho, Linda. xo
We learned not to keep ANYTHING in a tube in the bathroom. She has brushed her teeth with anything from Polident to Vagisil cream! We caught her doing this when she came out of the bathroom with brown teeth.....no....its not what your thinking....it was my cover up she pulled out of my make-up case!!! She brushed her teeth with my make up!! Did I mention she has DENTURES?
Linda - Glad to hear from you. I, too, have done nothing with my dad's room. I open the door and just break down crying. Even his robe is still hanging on the hook where he last left it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever stop crying. I know I will but I miss my daddy too. We were very lucky we had good ones who made us proud and who we made proud. Love you ~ Kuli
hi there you all . read everybodys post and love every bit of em . bobbie - ure the greatest .. love your heart felt story , ure meant to be an angel to another angel who is in needed ... love u girl ...
not havin a good time here lately . i think real soon i will take off and go on a roadtrip , cant handle too much stress here and cry too much , my family s tellin me its time for u to leave and get a break . i still havent cleaned dad s room . i have went in there the other day i stood there and looked and couldnt touch anything . i walked out ..... bandit (dog) killed my neighbor s duck , he ran and ran while i hollared and beg him to come back , nope he went injured other 2 ducks , told my hubby to shoot that damn dog !! he refuse to do it , took him to pound yesterday and they wouldnt tak ehim , said he was adopted in other country that i would hav eto take him there , uhh didnt feel like drivin 45 miles so came back home and bandits like oh thank u jesus .. u can see that reilef on his face , was suppos eto take him to the pound this morning but it was stormin and rainin , not about to take him in out this weather and do it all alone . he shall stay til monday i guess . the more i look at bandit the more i want to keep him . hubby is ready for him to leave , so im all torn up , i still miss pa and miss begin with him and miss takin care of him but i know he is much happeier up in heaven , pain free and not layin in bed suffering . the day he was on deathbed , there was torandos out everywhere , here was dark clouds lookin like it was gonna hammer us bad , the day he took his last breath i walked outside bawlin and bam the black clouds moved and there was a circle hole and sun peekin down on me . hubby was almost home he said it was black sky and can see a sunny spot shinin on our home , he knew pa had passed , he said it says in the bible that the cloud will open up . i knew he had went thru the perfect way up and avoid the blackness around him .... i remmy kuli said that at the graveyard it wasnt rainin but a sunshine . is it great !
i want you all to know that i am not leaving you all , i just wont be posting much cuz i am soon going to take a r oadtrip , pa s trailer needs cleaned out and get ready for a sale . so i shall help my bro do that , no need for him to do it all alone .... he has wife and family there but they all work . i told him i could do it . it be just a matter of time , i love you all and just love ur parents is all i can say cuz one day it all be over and u will feel empty and somethings missing and its realy hard . the black and blue arms , its normal , pa had tons of em and looks like he had the beating but no , its normal . blood vesel is bustin here and there . skin rips so easy , gental lovin care is what they need . diane , christina , hug ur mommy for me . i miss my daddy , if i have him back i d do it over again . he is the best dad ever and he is a HERO ., fought world war two and raised 6 kids and worked everyday even when he is sick . drives 2 hrs each way to work and home . did it for many years . my dad is a HERO ... i love u daddy ...... xoxox
hey Jen... I just thought of this... if it's a bad day you could do the new caregiver dance "the poop scoop shuffle" (I named that after Dad's episodes) LOL
Meanwhile2, I hope everything goes well with Omaha and his surgery is successful. He is so lucky he found you to love and care for him! God bless you♥
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..la la la Really, it's an awesome day here in Florida! I'm going to head down to the History Museum for an extra credit assignment for my class...it is going to be great fun!
Everyone enjoy your day and Jen get an IPOD! and dance through some of it ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
Love you guys! *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Well, it is officially spring in Alpine Texas. The buzzards are back. I'm still just lurking around reading posts. Loved the blonde stewardess joke, Cuz. Taking Omaha to the Vet for surgery this weekend. He has to be there 9 am on Monday, and it is a 5 hour drive. So will go up on Saturday or Sunday and stay with friends that live an hour from the Vet. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Dutchman was located who had a similar blood type. The Dutchman willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Dutchman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Dutchman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Dutchman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Dutchman was shocked that the Arab, this time, did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Ya, but I now have Dutch blood in my veins".
Was like four inches of snow this morning but it thankfully melted off the streets and paths by four. He is in with the record player blaring again...I don't know but he is a Renaissance man of bad taste. Bad jokes, ugly suits, ugly face, the worst muzak versions of any song written...He is a magnet for bad taste...
Good Afternoon Crew! Cattails and Igore, I am really enjoying your comments as well. Diane, just do what is best for you and your Mother and everything will be just fine. We are here to support you whatever you decide. Jen...hang in there babe! Christina, I so admire you for always being here to cheer other on! I have lots to do so I must be going now. Love to you all!!! ...............¨♥*✫♥,☀ .........,•✯´.........´*✫ .......♥*................•✯ .......*♥............… ...✫ ...¸.•✫.............……♥*•✫ ...~`,`~................* ¸....✫........Group Hug*✫♥* ´¸...*♥..´¸...........*♥ ´¸¸♥*...............¸.• ´¸.•✫ ............. ~`,`~............. `.✫`.............. ●/................ /▌................ / \................ *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricketღ
Love your posts, cattails and Igore. You are not newbies anymore. Nope, Bobbie says if you post more than once you're crew, so ahoy thar! Cattails, I think our Moms were losing it long ago when they were not acting like Mothers. Igore, your Mom sounds precious. She just doesn't know what to do with herself. Haha. Anyway, we are all blessed to have you both here. So, after I said my Mother is not responsive, all of a sudden she is perking up. Still blabbering amidst intelligible words. Today I asked her if there is anything she would like me to bring her and she said, "my brains." Poor thing. It was a gorgeous day here: we went for a long walk around the neighborhood, listened to Frank Sinatra while we ate fruit and she had chocolate. Tomorrow I'm going to bring a book and read to her, see if she likes that. I asked her yesterday if she could see at all anymore. She said no. Macular degeneration. God have mercy on us. Jen, can't believe you're getting snow. It's a weird weather cycle. My SS in MO said they never got a freeze this year(!!) but last week tornado watch. Yikes. She lives by herself, 90th birthday next week, gets around house in wheelchair, but she can walk, just worn out, but her mind is perfect. Well, it takes all kinds and we got them! Love and Hugs, Christina xo
When I read about the crap some of you have been through, I feel really fortunate to have it as good as I do. To care for someone that is intentionally mean to you the caregiver is a stress beyond what I could imagine.
For me my Mother is like a child. She wants attention and conversation. It is hard to provide that in the doses she would like at times. When I get in from work, Mom sees the car and knows I am home. My azz is dragon.. I hear the thump....thump...thump...(her coming upstairs with oxygen cord in tow). Creeeeek, the door, opens...she looks like she is surprised and asks "When did you get home?" At face value that seems like a reasonable question except I know she saw my car pull in. She knows I just planted my tail in the loveseat and yet she asks the obvious.
Sometimes I say "I have been here all day!" .. "You have not!"..."I just saw you pull in" "Oh, you did! Then you know about when I got home!" Sometimes she will snarl "You are a horse's ASS! You know that". "No, I didn't thanks for filling me in!"
I think she may have started to call me and "SOB" at times until she realized what me being and SOB implies. None of this really matters because every night before I go to work or bed (which ever the case is, ) I check on Mom, I take her blood sugar and give her the sliding scale shot. Then glaucoma drops. Before I go she is says come here and give me a hug. She kisses my check and I tell her good night. I know this will not always be the case. I will lose her eventually as I lost Dad my 27 years ago. (Thats another story)
Anyways I salute you my fellow care givers…what you do may seem to be a thankless task but yet you do it. Press on.
Hey Crew: I took the dogs out a minute ago for a pee and whatever. What I love is the sound of the frogs on the pond. They are making lots of noise and it will get louder as Summer approaches. I love to open my bedroom window, well not mine anymore as my dad had that, but the upstairs window and here the sound of the frogs croaking. It's just the promise of Spring.
The Canadian Geese are back. We think that among them are the 2 sets of parents that raised babies on our pond last year and their offspring. We don't actually recognize them (LOL) because they all look amazingly similar, but we do know that they come back to nest in the same place and that they babies stay close to them for several years.
Another bird that we have on our pond are Wigeons. They are the most community oriented group of ducks I have ever seen. They never fuss over territory, not like geese, ducks, and other birds. They just love to be together. It's so funny to watch them as they are in big flocks, sometimes 200 at a time. So one Wigeon goes into the water and everybody follows, single file. By the time the leader comes out of the pond on the other side, there is still the congo line on the land behind. Eventually, they all come to the same place. We also have the Blue Heron that comes down to the pond to look for a meal. I was sad to see him pick a frog out of the pond the other day, but we do have lots of them and the herons need to eat too. So funny, years ago, I told my dad we have Blue Herons on the pond, he said, "What color are they", DUH.
We also have the elk come by to graze and eat our trees. That's ok. They were here first. The bull elk are humongous and they are here daily through the winter. In the summer the mom's and babies show up. We've had at least 60 at at time in the summer. Quite a sight. We also saw a bobcat the other day, drinking out of the pond. Not very usual to see them down here because our place is pretty wide open. Most likely to see them up the road where the trees are thicker.
Of course we see Coyotes sometimes. I think they are beautiful and am so grateful for all the wildlife we have here. Our two dogs have taken to nightly howlings in response to the coyotes. This will go on for a while I guess.
Hi everyone: Well, I was working on a post and then lost it when I went back to check on something Bobbie had said. SHIT. Anyway, Bobbie, thanks so much for telling us about Boat Angel. I am so sorry that his cancer came back and spread just when you were at the point of thinking this might be really wonderful. You've had a month now to bring yourself back to the world of the living and I can understand your trepidation you feel about Boat Angel coming home in a weeks time. Your wisdom and need for a life tells you not to take on the care of this man and I'm behind you 100%. I think you will need to take this a day at a time, because you will probably welcome him and try to help for a while, not because you owe him, but because you will have a hard time saying he has to stay on his boat and not yours. You will find your way through this; please continue to share what is happening and let us support you regardless of your decisions.
I also wanted to tell you Bobbie that I appreciated a comment you made about taking care of someone who is not is their right mind in just insane. I'm not quoting, but I'm not going to scroll back for the perfect quote because that's how I lost my last comment. The thing that touched me about that is it brought to the forefront for me that even though I believed my mom's nastiness was due to her pain meds, it doesn't matter, she was still out of her mind. I think I have such a sadness about my inability to reach my mom because I thought it was due to her abuse of pain meds. So it seemed curable; stop the pain med overdose. And I did try to do that. I took the pain meds from her home and gave her daily what she was supposed to have, but it just pissed her off that I had taken that control away from her and so the battle continued.
My mom was not someone to be crossed. If you challenged her, she would put every once of her being into making you wrong. For her it was a crusade. I remember pulling weeds in their yard and I could hear her in the house talking to my dad and I could tell that the conversation was not a good one. My dad eventually came out to go for a walk. He said to me, "Don't go in there, your mom is in one of her F'ing moods. I know it was due to the issue of pain meds. She called everyone of my sibs and my Aunt to tell them what a bitch I was. My Aunt called me to ask what the heck was going on, so I told her: "Here's the problem, she is taking way too much pain medication. She needs refills 2 weeks before they can be refilled. She won't pay attention to the amount she is taking and my dad just keeps giving them to her." Oh, my aunt said, "Well, thanks for the info, I get it." During this time my mom would tell my dad that I just wanted their house and I wanted to put her in a NH. Nothing could have been further from the truth. For one thing, the house was mine already and I would not have put my mom in a NH, but my dad made the mistake of laughing at my mom's comment, because it was so absurd, but that just intensified her desire to get everyone back under her thumb. During this time I found it interesting that my mom was like 10 years younger. She was on the phone to everyone and just seemed to be enjoying the havoc that she could muster. It just gave her a purpose and revitalized her. I hired a caregiver to come to her house 3 days a week and give her a shower and do some lite housekeeping. Something to give us some space. On the the things I asked this person to do was put a crock pot dinner on so I wouldn't have to make their meal that night. I was looking for some space and a break in the things I had to do for them. A separation that we all needed. My mom and dad were not paying for this, my husband and I were, but the minute the care giver showed up, my mom decided that the caregiver would do what she wanted, thankfully, that included the bathing, but the rest was just have a TV companion watcher. It was still my job to cook meals and clean. So be it, it gave her some happiness to have some control and keep me in the role of dinner and cleaning. All in all it was fine with me, but again it was hard to be the slave/enemy.
Anyway, your comment about dealing with someone who is out of their mind just hit a chord with me. A comforting one. I always thought it was the pain meds, but even when that was under control she was so hateful, so maybe there was some dementia there, mixed in with her control issues. Regardless, she was not in her right mind and I thank you for reminding me of that. It's a huge help, Bobbie. Thanks so much. Love, Cattails.
Diane: I feel your pain. I'm just not saying that, I live it. It sounds like your mom doesn't qualify for medicaid. Do you live in her house or does she live in yours? Surely you would not sell your home to cover the cost of NH, so I am thinking you live with your mom. Hopefully, if that's the case, you know that if you have lived with her for 3 years in her home as a caretaker, the home would be exempt from medicaid recovery.
I know I'm a newby, but I really care and want to hear about what's happening in your life and the struggles with how to cope or place your mom. If you can, bring me and others up to speed.
I've been doing the care of parents for 6 1/2 years. I am so tired and my heart goes out to you. Love and Hugs, Cattails I may not be the oldies, but I am here for you heart and soul. Love, Cattails
A lawyer boarded a flight in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. ... He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ...... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think
PTSD from long term dementia care giving, God I had not even thought of that, but yes it is traumatic and just wears you out...I have that from abuse already, no wonder i am homicidal and scatty here, I sleep as much as I can!
Hope your mom is doing Ok Christina, notice bruising easy here too, you'll see one half healed and he won't know where it came from...
I use plumbers tape and cussing, didn't have locking grips...
Now he is in yelling at the lil girls on TV show We can here you fart pants, shut up already...Gah when does he die?!
Hey Diane! I think you are amazing for doing what you have done for 4 years. I am glad to hear you make the statement. Your Mom is young and you are young. I think your perspective is healthy. You have my vote, for what it's worth. You know we support you in whatever you do, dear friend:) I think we all do the caregiver job for many reasons, we all pay our dues. Love you and congratulations on making a landmark decision. I, too, miss our old friends, but each is on a path of growth and discovery. I am kind of digging cattails and Igore as our newest crew. WhooHoo! Haha! And you know, Diane, there are "the lurkers." All kinds of them. Keep us posted, girlfriend! You are a good daughter and a fantastic caregiver! Love, Christina xo
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Selfish Siblings, all that you have described about your father since your mom's passing sounds much like my mothers' condition, only she hasn't had a stroke. Hers has just been brought on by age, dementia, hardening of the arteries, and general age-related conditions. Although here lately I've come to question if she hasn't had a small, maybe not as obvious, stroke since that's not uncommon with folks in here age/health group. The dr hasn't said NO but he hasn't ruled it out entirely either, so it remains a possibility.
Mom can't and won't wear her upper denture. She never adjusted to like with dentures very well, even before her decline. My son thought she had a bar of soap in her mouth as she'd flip the plate loose with her tongue and all but spit the thing out across the room! She didn't keep up with trips to the dentist for fittings, adjustments, or care for the teeth she had left, so now after all these years, she goes around with scraggly looking lower teeth (what few she has left) and no uppers at all. But she wears that upper plate in her bra, which has been a "biting" surprise to many nurses! Her latest is the inability to walk and/or refusal to even try. She claims it's her knees hurting all the time but reality revealed she's just that scared of falling. So she has a wheelchair to get to and from the dining hall of her assisted living resort, with the benefit of an aide to navigate the halls. She cannot manage that on her own.
As for sibling help, there's just me and my sister. Sis is the primary caregiver, assumed that role early on as she has no husband and no kids living at home to prevent her from just up and going whenever the situation called for it. And I'm very thankful she took on that role but it really put our relationship at risk for a number of years. However we've since talked openly, and often with tears of sadness and regret, and she understands now that as the youngest I wasn't "allowed" by mother to help out, the mom specifically said she didn't want or need my help since my sister was around, that my role would be to help my sister in later years. Well my sister didn't believe this at first, but mom spoke up one lucid day and commented how glad she was to have my sisters' care for her physical and financial needs, and that my sister should be proud to know she had a younger/stronger sister "in the wings" to pick up and help when moms health really declines. So sis finally "got the picture" of what I'd tried to explain early on, and since then she's consulted me about any number of "what do you think" times, and relies on me more now since moms health has really been declining in the last couple of years. We've come to a mutual and companionable agreement of each others' strengths and abilities, and very respectful of the limits and boundaries. So now everything isn't just on my sisters' shoulders to handle, and I'm no longer "waiting in the wings" for my turn to be part of the family again. I can's say I'm thrilled about handling all the details of moms daily care, health issues, mental lapses, days of depression, or whatever else Mom comes up with, (incontinence is a constant problem anymore) but we're in this together and our sister-relationship has never been this strong!
Maybe you've tried open-dialogue with your siblings concerning care for your dad. But you have to keep pushing them for their own good. Kind of like running your business: if you gave up when someone didn't do their part of the job, you wouldn't have a business anymore. Family is where it's at.
On the whole, in my dad's later years, he was a pretty easy guy to be around and it was easy to see that he cared about his children. That wasn't as easy to see when he was younger.
My dad had a stroke in 2002 and it affected his eyesight. He lost the left perifvial (sp) vision in both eyes. No more driving and no more working. My dad loved working and being useful so that was quite a blow to him.
Between his stroke issues and my mom's medical issues, we moved them to our new home location after we retired. We retied in June 2004 and had about a year before my parents got here. We built a small house (1100 sq. feet) next door to our place and moved them up.
One of the things that gave my dad a new lease on life here was when he saw my husband on the riding lawn mower. He was itching to get behind the wheel again and feel useful. So my husband said, "Have at it." My dad had a hard time with the riding mower, and would have eventually killed it, always riding the brake and not not really being able to adjust the the way it drove, so my dear sweet husband bought my dad his own riding mower. It drove like a car, with a gas peddle and break and it fit with him like a hand in a glove. Also, because my dad was subject to skin cancer and refused to wear a sun hat, my husband made sure my dad's new mower had a canopy over head. This was when we had a few extra dollars to spend which is not the case anymore. My dad was in hog heaven.
So there he was, out riding the range. Mowing to his hearts content. He not only mowed most of our place, but would then go next door and mow the neighbor's 5 acres. It cost us a shit load in gas, but he had a purpose and some independence, so all was good with the world.
Bear in mind that his vision wasn't the best, so there would always be sections that didn't get mowed, strips that remained. It kind of looked like a patchwork quilt, be we would go out and finish the job. Nothing pissed him off more than to hear the mower(s) start up and see Warren and I mowing. But he got to do the lions share and it was a help to us.
Many was the time that I was going somewhere and I would hear the mower start up and just think "Shit". We couldn't both be gone when my dad was on the mower. He would often get stuck and need help getting back on track. This was a constant in our lives.
One time my dad was mowing and all of sudden the sound of the engine stopped. A clue to us that dad was having a problem. My husband went out to see what was wrong. Evidently, my dad had failed to see a tree and the tree caught the canopy on the mower and ripped it off. Dad was still oblivious, the jolt of the canopy ripping off didn't get his attention, nor the sudden brightness around him and so he carried on, dragging the canopy behind him. Finally, he decided to back up, and the canopy went under the blades. End of mowing for that day.
My dad loved to take his walks. Our road is a small paved country lane. It is also a private road and a dead end, so safe enough for him to venture out several times each day. I don't think he ever walked less that 4 miles a day. All the neighbors liked him and would always stop to chat with him. He was the guy in the know. His hearing was terrible, but somehow he always heard what the neighbors said.
After my mom died, dad always came here every night for dinner and then we would play a few rounds of cribbage. He loved to win and went home happy.
So my dad had a major stroke July 1, 2011. It left him with speech and swallow problems. He is also incontinent and can't navigate with his walker with out physical assistance. He came home to live with us in early October.
He is not a difficult person, but he needs 24/7 care. I can't take a shower if my husband is not here to keep an eye on my dad. We have a monitor so we can watch him at all times if we are in other rooms. That is a must because he will try to get out of his chair at various times and is a huge risk for falling.
I love my dad, but I am so tired of the parent care issues. I retired 7 1/2 years ago, but have not had but a few months peace. Even before my folks moved here, we had to get their house built. It was ridiculous. My dad insisted on 2 bathrooms and absolutely had to have a garage. He hadn't had a garage in 30 some years. It really hurt us financially to give them all they "had to have".
The house has been sitting their vacant since July of last year. I know I should rent it out to bring in some much needed income, but it has been very painful to clear out their personal belongings. I have some few remaining clothes of my fathers to take out. Those are the hardest for me because they are clothes I bought him to go to Wales in 2009 to reunite with his family. It has special meaning to me and I remember him all dressed up with all the family fussing over him at a reunion. He was the star of the show.
So now I find myself so very tired. He's been under our roof for almost 6 months and my life is non-existent. I feel guilty because he's not a bad person, a difficult person or a hateful person. It's just that I would so love to be free and have a life of my own. It's been a very long 6 1/2 years of taking care of my parents.
When I think of Linda, who was such a devoted daughter and misses her dad every day so much, I wonder what is lacking in me. I will miss my dad, but I will miss looking out the kitchen window and seeing him walking down the street and talking to the neighbors. I will not miss him living like he is now.
Love and Hugs to all of you. Thanks for listening to me and being my friends.
Cattails.
Welcome, angela! omg. Poor Mom. Hide the superglue, please!
LindaHeart, You are blessed. Have a good trip. Best for you to get a good break and distraction. If you make it to California, guest room is waiting. Endless skinny margaritas--well, you can have regular ones, you're already skinny. I'll cook for you and we'll go to the beach, look at boats and get some sun. I'm hugging and kissing my Mom all the time. Yesterday I took 2 books and read to her out of both. "Why a Daughter Needs a Mom", and "The Lord is My Sheperd." She responded. Sister brought her a pound of See's candy the other day. Like I said, she perked up, and we are thankful for good days. Yes, your Daddy was a Hero, a good man, patriarch of a solid family, and that is a life worthy of hearing God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Love you mucho, Linda. xo
bobbie - ure the greatest .. love your heart felt story , ure meant to be an angel to another angel who is in needed ... love u girl ...
not havin a good time here lately . i think real soon i will take off and go on a roadtrip , cant handle too much stress here and cry too much , my family s tellin me its time for u to leave and get a break .
i still havent cleaned dad s room . i have went in there the other day i stood there and looked and couldnt touch anything . i walked out .....
bandit (dog) killed my neighbor s duck , he ran and ran while i hollared and beg him to come back , nope he went injured other 2 ducks , told my hubby to shoot that damn dog !! he refuse to do it , took him to pound yesterday and they wouldnt tak ehim , said he was adopted in other country that i would hav eto take him there , uhh didnt feel like drivin 45 miles so came back home and bandits like oh thank u jesus .. u can see that reilef on his face , was suppos eto take him to the pound this morning but it was stormin and rainin , not about to take him in out this weather and do it all alone . he shall stay til monday i guess .
the more i look at bandit the more i want to keep him . hubby is ready for him to leave , so im all torn up ,
i still miss pa and miss begin with him and miss takin care of him but i know he is much happeier up in heaven , pain free and not layin in bed suffering .
the day he was on deathbed , there was torandos out everywhere , here was dark clouds lookin like it was gonna hammer us bad , the day he took his last breath i walked outside bawlin and bam the black clouds moved and there was a circle hole and sun peekin down on me . hubby was almost home he said it was black sky and can see a sunny spot shinin on our home , he knew pa had passed , he said it says in the bible that the cloud will open up . i knew he had went thru the perfect way up and avoid the blackness around him ....
i remmy kuli said that at the graveyard it wasnt rainin but a sunshine . is it great !
i want you all to know that i am not leaving you all , i just wont be posting much cuz i am soon going to take a r oadtrip , pa s trailer needs cleaned out and get ready for a sale . so i shall help my bro do that , no need for him to do it all alone .... he has wife and family there but they all work . i told him i could do it .
it be just a matter of time , i love you all and just love ur parents is all i can say cuz one day it all be over and u will feel empty and somethings missing and its realy hard .
the black and blue arms , its normal , pa had tons of em and looks like he had the beating but no , its normal . blood vesel is bustin here and there . skin rips so easy , gental lovin care is what they need . diane , christina , hug ur mommy for me .
i miss my daddy , if i have him back i d do it over again . he is the best dad ever and he is a HERO ., fought world war two and raised 6 kids and worked everyday even when he is sick . drives 2 hrs each way to work and home . did it for many years . my dad is a HERO ...
i love u daddy ...... xoxox
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..la la la Really, it's an awesome day here in Florida! I'm going to head down to the History Museum for an extra credit assignment for my class...it is going to be great fun!
Everyone enjoy your day and Jen get an IPOD! and dance through some of it ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
Love you guys!
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I'm still just lurking around reading posts. Loved the blonde stewardess joke, Cuz. Taking Omaha to the Vet for surgery this weekend. He has to be there 9 am on Monday, and it is a 5 hour drive. So will go up on Saturday or Sunday and stay with friends that live an hour from the Vet. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Dutchman was located who had a similar blood type. The Dutchman willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Dutchman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Dutchman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Dutchman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Dutchman was shocked that the Arab, this time, did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Ya, but I now have Dutch blood in my veins".
He is in with the record player blaring again...I don't know but he is a Renaissance man of bad taste. Bad jokes, ugly suits, ugly face, the worst muzak versions of any song written...He is a magnet for bad taste...
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Cattails, I think our Moms were losing it long ago when they were not acting like Mothers. Igore, your Mom sounds precious. She just doesn't know what to do with herself. Haha. Anyway, we are all blessed to have you both here.
So, after I said my Mother is not responsive, all of a sudden she is perking up. Still blabbering amidst intelligible words. Today I asked her if there is anything she would like me to bring her and she said, "my brains." Poor thing. It was a gorgeous day here: we went for a long walk around the neighborhood, listened to Frank Sinatra while we ate fruit and she had chocolate. Tomorrow I'm going to bring a book and read to her, see if she likes that. I asked her yesterday if she could see at all anymore. She said no. Macular degeneration. God have mercy on us.
Jen, can't believe you're getting snow. It's a weird weather cycle. My SS in MO said they never got a freeze this year(!!) but last week tornado watch. Yikes. She lives by herself, 90th birthday next week, gets around house in wheelchair, but she can walk, just worn out, but her mind is perfect.
Well, it takes all kinds and we got them! Love and Hugs, Christina xo
For me my Mother is like a child. She wants attention and conversation. It is hard to provide that in the doses she would like at times. When I get in from work, Mom sees the car and knows I am home. My azz is dragon.. I hear the thump....thump...thump...(her coming upstairs with oxygen cord in tow). Creeeeek, the door, opens...she looks like she is surprised and asks "When did you get home?" At face value that seems like a reasonable question except I know she saw my car pull in. She knows I just planted my tail in the loveseat and yet she asks the obvious.
Sometimes I say "I have been here all day!" ..
"You have not!"..."I just saw you pull in"
"Oh, you did! Then you know about when I got home!"
Sometimes she will snarl "You are a horse's ASS! You know that".
"No, I didn't thanks for filling me in!"
I think she may have started to call me and "SOB" at times until she realized what me being and SOB implies. None of this really matters because every night before I go to work or bed (which ever the case is, ) I check on Mom, I take her blood sugar and give her the sliding scale shot. Then glaucoma drops. Before I go she is says come here and give me a hug. She kisses my check and I tell her good night. I know this will not always be the case. I will lose her eventually as I lost Dad my 27 years ago. (Thats another story)
Anyways I salute you my fellow care givers…what you do may seem to be a thankless task but yet you do it. Press on.
The Canadian Geese are back. We think that among them are the 2 sets of parents that raised babies on our pond last year and their offspring. We don't actually recognize them (LOL) because they all look amazingly similar, but we do know that they come back to nest in the same place and that they babies stay close to them for several years.
Another bird that we have on our pond are Wigeons. They are the most community oriented group of ducks I have ever seen. They never fuss over territory, not like geese, ducks, and other birds. They just love to be together. It's so funny to watch them as they are in big flocks, sometimes 200 at a time. So one Wigeon goes into the water and everybody follows, single file. By the time the leader comes out of the pond on the other side, there is still the congo line on the land behind. Eventually, they all come to the same place. We also have the Blue Heron that comes down to the pond to look for a meal. I was sad to see him pick a frog out of the pond the other day, but we do have lots of them and the herons need to eat too. So funny, years ago, I told my dad we have Blue Herons on the pond, he said, "What color are they", DUH.
We also have the elk come by to graze and eat our trees. That's ok. They were here first. The bull elk are humongous and they are here daily through the winter. In the summer the mom's and babies show up. We've had at least 60 at at time in the summer. Quite a sight. We also saw a bobcat the other day, drinking out of the pond. Not very usual to see them down here because our place is pretty wide open. Most likely to see them up the road where the trees are thicker.
Of course we see Coyotes sometimes. I think they are beautiful and am so grateful for all the wildlife we have here. Our two dogs have taken to nightly howlings in response to the coyotes. This will go on for a while I guess.
Love, Cattails.
I also wanted to tell you Bobbie that I appreciated a comment you made about taking care of someone who is not is their right mind in just insane. I'm not quoting, but I'm not going to scroll back for the perfect quote because that's how I lost my last comment. The thing that touched me about that is it brought to the forefront for me that even though I believed my mom's nastiness was due to her pain meds, it doesn't matter, she was still out of her mind. I think I have such a sadness about my inability to reach my mom because I thought it was due to her abuse of pain meds. So it seemed curable; stop the pain med overdose. And I did try to do that. I took the pain meds from her home and gave her daily what she was supposed to have, but it just pissed her off that I had taken that control away from her and so the battle continued.
My mom was not someone to be crossed. If you challenged her, she would put every once of her being into making you wrong. For her it was a crusade. I remember pulling weeds in their yard and I could hear her in the house talking to my dad and I could tell that the conversation was not a good one. My dad eventually came out to go for a walk. He said to me, "Don't go in there, your mom is in one of her F'ing moods. I know it was due to the issue of pain meds. She called everyone of my sibs and my Aunt to tell them what a bitch I was. My Aunt called me to ask what the heck was going on, so I told her: "Here's the problem, she is taking way too much pain medication. She needs refills 2 weeks before they can be refilled. She won't pay attention to the amount she is taking and my dad just keeps giving them to her." Oh, my aunt said, "Well, thanks for the info, I get it." During this time my mom would tell my dad that I just wanted their house and I wanted to put her in a NH. Nothing could have been further from the truth. For one thing, the house was mine already and I would not have put my mom in a NH, but my dad made the mistake of laughing at my mom's comment, because it was so absurd, but that just intensified her desire to get everyone back under her thumb. During this time I found it interesting that my mom was like 10 years younger. She was on the phone to everyone and just seemed to be enjoying the havoc that she could muster. It just gave her a purpose and revitalized her. I hired a caregiver to come to her house 3 days a week and give her a shower and do some lite housekeeping. Something to give us some space. On the the things I asked this person to do was put a crock pot dinner on so I wouldn't have to make their meal that night. I was looking for some space and a break in the things I had to do for them. A separation that we all needed. My mom and dad were not paying for this, my husband and I were, but the minute the care giver showed up, my mom decided that the caregiver would do what she wanted, thankfully, that included the bathing, but the rest was just have a TV companion watcher. It was still my job to cook meals and clean. So be it, it gave her some happiness to have some control and keep me in the role of dinner and cleaning. All in all it was fine with me, but again it was hard to be the slave/enemy.
Anyway, your comment about dealing with someone who is out of their mind just hit a chord with me. A comforting one. I always thought it was the pain meds, but even when that was under control she was so hateful, so maybe there was some dementia there, mixed in with her control issues. Regardless, she was not in her right mind and I thank you for reminding me of that. It's a huge help, Bobbie. Thanks so much. Love, Cattails.
I know I'm a newby, but I really care and want to hear about what's happening in your life and the struggles with how to cope or place your mom. If you can, bring me and others up to speed.
I've been doing the care of parents for 6 1/2 years. I am so tired and my heart goes out to you. Love and Hugs, Cattails I may not be the oldies, but I am here for you heart and soul. Love, Cattails
a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
...
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ...... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think
Hope your mom is doing Ok Christina, notice bruising easy here too, you'll see one half healed and he won't know where it came from...
I use plumbers tape and cussing, didn't have locking grips...
Now he is in yelling at the lil girls on TV show We can here you fart pants, shut up already...Gah when does he die?!
Snowing here, ah Spring...
I, too, miss our old friends, but each is on a path of growth and discovery. I am kind of digging cattails and Igore as our newest crew. WhooHoo! Haha!
And you know, Diane, there are "the lurkers." All kinds of them.
Keep us posted, girlfriend! You are a good daughter and a fantastic caregiver!
Love, Christina xo