Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Good Morning Friends, Checking in on a Thursday morning before Christmas, Third day of Hannukah. my little mashuganas! Whoo Hoo!! Hope everyone is up and feeling good, enjoying the hassle, I mean, hustle and bustle of the Season. I have to wrap presents today and bake. Mother has a wound on her coccyx. Owner's assist. called with a somewhat sheepish tone yesterday morning. I tried to move her yesterday to see it, and see if there are other issues, but she is dead-weight. I remember just a year ago she was still talking and wandering the house. I negotiate with myself, almost daily, 'what if' I had done this differently, maybe she would not have gone downhill. I tried to do what was best, looking at the big picture for my Mother, my husband and me, using the money as efficiently as I could. Then I rethink everything. I cannot come up with a different scenario. There is not a daily visit when I do not spend a part of it crying in her room as she hovers between sleep and a run-down wind-up toy we used to get for Christmas, cymbals clapping fast, then slower, then intermittent. I don't know what to pray for anymore. I say, "Lord, pick the right prayer for me to offer You about my Mother. I am at Your service, but all I can do is 'be there'. Like fanning the pages of a flip book, her life, my life, chapters and a page here and there tell a story. Flip them again, you get another focus, skip a few pages. You can flip through it endlessly, but eventually, the pages will end and the cover will close. It's clear and cold again in southern CA, palm trees lighted for the holidays, shoppers in scarves and flip flops. The dichotomous left coast. Haha! Well, life is a mix, it takes all kinds, and we gottem. Thinking of all my beautiful Friends on GO and other threads. Have some fun today! Love you, Christina xo
Olaf Svenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay." The doctor told him "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena.....still in DA CRATE!
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
An overcooked turkey with the filling of the 6 birds should be enough to discourage any ambition of the sister. Austin, Diane, is that rope long enough for me too?
Just popping in to wish you all a Happy Holiday. I'm in and out of the black hole lately. Holiday stress, I guess. I should bake cookies, it would get me in a better mood. Maybe the slice and bake will have to do this year.
Oh my... just got back shopping at the commissary for Christmas dinner; $241.00!!! Think Dad is gonna take away my military I.D. LOL Now that they have the food they can cook it themselves! Oh wait, they don't know how to cook...... Got a 19 pound turkey big enough to put all six birds in, ha!
Jen next year-it is too late this year that you are not going to particapate in the crazieness of it all they want to do it they can by themselves I am revolting a little myself-I turned down a trip to my aunts because I wanted to spend time at our senior center with my good friends and other things-I can not be pulled like taffy any more-I can but will not be-frankly I do not give a damn-I will not be stressed this year-I am now out of the black hole.
Jen, I'm with you in the dumps and feeling very Bah Humbugish. I've been baking Rum Cakes and Applesauce Pecan Breads for gifts. I'll probably do two more tonight. The closer Christmas gets the more in the black hole I slide. I know I am being so selfish because many of you are without your loved ones this year. My heart goes out to you all.
Doing cookie boxes for relatives. After years of moms endless perfectionist, OCD bullshit, I know better than to look forward to these little fiestas. So I go fill a box and tell her I put the heavy ones on bottom."Don't you think they should be, spread out, so people get different ones as they go down...?" " it's not rocket science." I stammer out...and come in here to write....out of there.... Have fun ma.... Fart pants in in sitting in the sun by his window. Wish it was the last time he sees it.....Then the long long L o n g drive of dropping off these little goodies to relatives who don't really like me, in a car smelling of old man farts and mom and her all road paranoia....then trying to navigate fart pants around ramp-less homes...Oh what ever...hell may as well go get dressed. Sorry for bringing anyone down...The hols, man they stopped being fun when I was 14....
Christina, You guys are really making my week... LOL I swear one of these days we should all get together and write a comedy! It's so great to laugh out loud!!! Gotta go to the commissary now and will take my list of suggestions with me. Later :)
Well, where the heck is everyone? Wrapping presents? I am doing lots of gift bags this year and tissue paper because I do not have the PATIENCE!!! Cannot focus long enough. But, my New Year resolution is to do something with my hands--make the bracelets--where I must sit and concentrate for a few hours at a time and RELAX. And read more. I need to read, and exercise more consistently. BJ, I think Barb has a good recipe for Cornish game hens. You could check with her, get a copy, leave it on the kitchen counter. Make sure you write at top of recipe: "Ingredients to season and dress 6 birds of varying size". That should get the message across. OK--I am off for a walk. It is late, but one of our caregiver's from last year needed a ride to her job, so she called me. She is starting her nursing education next month. I am so proud of her. I am saying Blessings over each of you throughout the day as you come into my mind. Love you ALL lots. Have a Great Day!! Hugs, Christina xo
Ro, I so needed a good laugh this morning!!! You made my day, yeah, cook the birds... Only you could come up with something like that, thanks!!! Wonder if she would know the difference between turkey and birds.
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,"It's OK pop. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Hey Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hangingfrom my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say AARP, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That's when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone! Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And "no", I told the officer, "I'm not too old to be driving this fast".
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the largetype? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
And I am going to be the meanest of you all: Stillstanding, cook the 6 birds! If I weren't an animal lover I would say this is the best way to make her go. No, seriously, this is a mess because your father - being a father - will never shut the door to her face. Kim, Cuz, Diane, Christina, thanks for your advice concerning the cousins meeting dilemma. Franca can't sleep in the country because she has a young daughter and she doesn't want to leave her alone at home. And I would like to go to the lunch with my mother, I wouldn't like to go alone. She enjoys these things and this might be her last "semi-conscious" year! We'll see what happens. I caught a flu and maybe the problem will solve itself because I won't be able to go anywhere!
hehehe Kimmy and Chris, I am watching funny farm as I type this. love it. Christina, if you are this funny sober oh hell we will have so much fun after a few Margarita's! Oh the stuffing can be the innerds, lol...oh my i'm getting pretty giddy. I think I will go get in bed and watch this movie in there.
So, we let a new society develop in the Petrie dish-- that is, the pelvis of the old turkey, after we have removed Ze Balls. Then we put it on wheels--the old Trojan Horse ploy- and we move it to the bus depot, where numbnuts, I mean dingbat, is getting ready to leave town, because, crazy or not-- ok, def crazy-- dingbat has been bowled over by one frozen turkey, and the sight of one more turkey, balls or not, is enough to make her forget why she arrived in town in the first place. Unfasten the butt flap-- you know what that is, right?--and let the new turkey lurkeys run around like vampires looking for their next bite, gobbling up buses at the depot. 75 degrees is a magic number. It is now the recommended temp for subjecting unruly siblings to. It's a new day in Turkeyville. Yes, it was not effective to have frozen turkeys become hot turkeys. The most meaningful and effective fowl is luke warm... pass the stuffing, please.
Cricket- I would serve up those lamb balls with extreme pleasure! Also some of that turkey on the side! LOL I love that movie Funny Farm! Hilarious! Think I might have to watch it tonight! :) Notice the smile! Hehehehe
Oh, I like the slow cooked turkey at 75 degrees, best of all. Of course, that is how my Mother cooked a turkey one year. That was the last time we let Mom cook a turkey.
okay I'm getting on this ride with you all! hehe How about making her "Lamb Balls" remmy that from the movie "funny farm"? If anyone hasn't seen that movie it is a must see funny movie and it even has some Christmas scenes in it. I bet Christina can cook em up for her, she can cook anything! HaHa Jen, spoken like a true family Warrior! After Christina cooks up the Lamb Balls then Kimmy can serve them on a platter with a big "SMILE" o.O
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Checking in on a Thursday morning before Christmas, Third day of Hannukah. my little mashuganas! Whoo Hoo!! Hope everyone is up and feeling good, enjoying the hassle, I mean, hustle and bustle of the Season. I have to wrap presents today and bake. Mother has a wound on her coccyx. Owner's assist. called with a somewhat sheepish tone yesterday morning. I tried to move her yesterday to see it, and see if there are other issues, but she is dead-weight. I remember just a year ago she was still talking and wandering the house. I negotiate with myself, almost daily, 'what if' I had done this differently, maybe she would not have gone downhill. I tried to do what was best, looking at the big picture for my Mother, my husband and me, using the money as efficiently as I
could. Then I rethink everything. I cannot come up with a different scenario.
There is not a daily visit when I do not spend a part of it crying in her room as she hovers between sleep and a run-down wind-up toy we used to get for Christmas, cymbals clapping fast, then slower, then intermittent. I don't know what to pray for anymore. I say, "Lord, pick the right prayer for me to offer You about my Mother. I am at Your service, but all I can do is 'be there'. Like fanning the pages of a flip book, her life, my life, chapters and a page here and there tell a story. Flip them again, you get another focus, skip a few pages. You can flip through it endlessly, but eventually, the pages will end and the cover will close.
It's clear and cold again in southern CA, palm trees lighted for the holidays, shoppers in scarves and flip flops. The dichotomous left coast. Haha!
Well, life is a mix, it takes all kinds, and we gottem. Thinking of all my beautiful Friends on GO and other threads. Have some fun today! Love you, Christina xo
Olaf Svenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay."
The doctor told him "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint
to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week,
but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it
all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went
on their honeymoon to Duluth ..
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you' re the
first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:
"Look at dis Lena.....still in DA CRATE!
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Austin, Diane, is that rope long enough for me too?
Have a good evening.
Love ya,
Diane
Fart pants in in sitting in the sun by his window. Wish it was the last time he sees it.....Then the long long L o n g drive of dropping off these little goodies to relatives who don't really like me, in a car smelling of old man farts and mom and her all road paranoia....then trying to navigate fart pants around ramp-less homes...Oh what ever...hell may as well go get dressed.
Sorry for bringing anyone down...The hols, man they stopped being fun when I was 14....
BJ, I think Barb has a good recipe for Cornish game hens. You could check with her, get a copy, leave it on the kitchen counter. Make sure you write at top of recipe: "Ingredients to season and dress 6 birds of varying size". That should get the message across.
OK--I am off for a walk. It is late, but one of our caregiver's from last year needed a ride to her job, so she called me. She is starting her nursing education next month. I am so proud of her.
I am saying Blessings over each of you throughout the day as you come into my mind. Love you ALL lots. Have a Great Day!! Hugs, Christina xo
merry christmas ! :-) xoxo
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ....... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it's gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON..............
$5.37 at Taco Bell
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,"It's OK pop. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Hey Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hangingfrom my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say AARP, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That's when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone! Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And "no", I told the officer, "I'm not too old to be driving this fast".
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the largetype? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
Rossella - Get well soon!
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Kim, Cuz, Diane, Christina, thanks for your advice concerning the cousins meeting dilemma. Franca can't sleep in the country because she has a young daughter and she doesn't want to leave her alone at home. And I would like to go to the lunch with my mother, I wouldn't like to go alone. She enjoys these things and this might be her last "semi-conscious" year!
We'll see what happens. I caught a flu and maybe the problem will solve itself because I won't be able to go anywhere!
My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!
nighty night my crazy girlfriends!
Unfasten the butt flap-- you know what that is, right?--and let the new turkey lurkeys run around like vampires looking for their next bite, gobbling up buses at the depot. 75 degrees is a magic number. It is now the recommended temp for subjecting unruly siblings to. It's a new day in Turkeyville. Yes, it was not effective to have frozen turkeys become hot turkeys. The most meaningful and effective fowl is luke warm... pass the stuffing, please.