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Where we live the call 911 is fantastic they send police or fireman after asking about injuries when you call and if needed EMT'S and Paramedics come -I had to call over 50 times the last few years of my husbands life and they never made me feel bad but in the next county they were nasty to my SIL's Mom because she had to call them 3 times so now she calls my brother to get his FIL up off the floor or a neighbor. We really are lucky where we live-they are very professional.
Mom fell again last night. Doesn't appear that she hurt anything. My brother has taken her out for lunch. This is good since I'm feeling very bad with a bout of IBS and spasms in my colon. I was trying to go into work, but my stomach is so swollen it hurts bad to sit up. I knew something was brewing with that awful headache last night. I'm feeling very defeated and completely encompassed by the black hole. Nothing bright or encouraging to say right now other than to thank you for the support.
Morning all - snowing in Dixie (well - northern Dixie) and sunny and 70 in DC yesterday. Even climate change can get it right now and then as I so enjoy sending word of our weather down south when this happens.
Bee - did you guys take the ferry across Delaware Nay? We took it on the tail end of a noreaster once and husband and I sore never again - I get barfy just remembering it!
The 'going to the ER' call is a tough one especially over a weekend or holiday. The protocol we put in place here for Moms falls was:
1. 'Call, watch and wait' - making sure we reported the call - even if to the doctors answering service, so we would have a record. With the increasing public awareness of elder abuse, better to have a record of any cuts or brusies than not.
2. Consider 'urgent care' facilities as an alternative to the ER. You can even call them first to see how busy they are, and if they take your insurance. These facilities will absolutely refer you on to the hospital if the injury or illness is beyond their capability, and the visit is usually hours shorter and muvch, much less expensive that going to the ER.
3. Call an ambulance. In many communities there is NO CHARGE to have the firetruck and the EMT's come out and assess. Mine is such. The EMT's do the BP, blood ox, check for range of motion, etc. and while they are not SUPPOSED to give you their opinion on going to the hospital, your can infer it. When Mom fell on labor day weekend with a hurricane howling, and I was loathe to put her in wheelchair, into car, out of car, etc., to have her checked out, it was an ideal solution. They assured me she was fine - and again, I eliminated any possibility of being accused of elder abuse or negligence becasuse ofr their visit. Also, they told me to call anytime 24/7 if I needed help moving Mom or getting her up from the floor (I wish I had realized this! I injured my lower back when getting Mom up when she fell - and the injury worsened during her last weeks of life - severely affecting my ability to care for her by myself and adding ongoing physical pain that often brought me to tears to the emotional trauma I was expereincing). ---
Isn't it great to know someone else really gets whats going on in our lives? Austin, my Mom is like Jeckle and Hyde with most people. I have told my family that I will do this, the long distance care giving, as long as is possible. I fully believe she shouldn't be alone even now. The fact is, I cannot bring her to live with me. It would be a disaster and I have been subject to her venom for many years. I think she'd be better of somewhere that the staff doesn't have any emotional ties to her and can distance themselves from her furey.
Don't feel too bad that you can't have a relationship with your Mom. I understand what you are saying, though. After 60 years you'd think I'd be immune to my Mom's venom but it still hurts from time to time. My wonderful hubby reminds me not to take her comments personally and I am able to "blame" some of this on her demensia.
It helps me to be more compassionate with Mom when I focus on the negative impact dementia is having on her quality of life. It helps me to deal with my guilt feelings when I accept that her stubborness and arrogance are the things preventing her from having a better quality of life. It's a tricky balance and that balance is slowly shifting. Before long, she won't have a choice and I will be able to get her some help whether she likes it or not.
Saturday night hubby and I slept at Mom's before driving home. She lives in a small home with a well. Everytime the water is used, the pumpt (right across the hall from the guest room) turns on. At 2:30 who knows what she was doing. At 4 am she took a shower for 30 minutes. At 5:40 she turned the light on in the guest room to ask what time we wanted to get up.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my mind was occupied with concerns for Mom's situation. My Serenity Prayer wasn't helping and so today I need to just get by on my 3 hours of sleep. I've read the posts of those who get ittle sleep. Thanks for your psots, I am not alone.
Bee I am so sorry for what you went through with your Mom-she is so lucky to have you. I can not stay with my Mom when I go to PA so I stay with my sister-now she treats everyone as bad as she treated me growing up and she has it very good a real nice apartment and other tenents to do things for her and my sister close by -she is so angery so much of the time I just do not get it. It is so great to be able to vent with our friends here-this place is a blessing. I am glad your brother saw her in action. My brother is going out to see Mom but she uses her good behaivior with him she sure can turn in on and off-but he never stays long with her but I hope he can stay long enough for her to show her true colors. I feel sad I can not have a relationship with her but I know it is her not me.
Hi everyone! I've got a lot of reading to catch up on here. We were away for Thanksgiving weekend and I didn't have my computer. So, forgive me. I have to get back into the loop. I did a little reading before writing this post. My heart aches for the many loving, caring people here who are hurting. I'm happy for those who had some uncommon pleasant family interactions. Those of you who are grieving, whether it's the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship or a job lost, know that you are cared for even by some folks you have never met.
And, cuz, thanks for the laughs.
We were with my family for Thanksgiving. My 56 year old brother is getting anxious about a reconstructive surgery scheduled for January. He developed an infection in his skull and brain following surgery to remove two large tumors in July. They removed a section of skull about the size of your palm in late August because the infection was so imbedded in the skull tissue. We almost lost him back in September but he is doing better now. His stamina is still low and we gathered at his home to be grateful together.
Hubby and I stayed at a hotel, Mom and other brother stayed at Jim's until Saturday.
My Mom was with us because other brother picked her up in southern NJ.
She is such a stubborn, ornery lady! Thanksgiving dinner was fine, for the most part. She tried to dominate the dinner discussion with repeated reports about the medications she takes. Oy.
On Friday the weather was a little warmer so the family sat in the back patio for morning coffee. Mom took a fall at about 9:30 am landing on her left knee and scratching both of her pinky fingers. Midafternoon, hubby and I arrived at Jim's and I was told about her fall and the fact that she refused to put ice on her knee and would not let anyone look at her knee.
Well, I looked at her scratched up knee, swollen to about the size of a tennis ball. Despite her vicious protests, I got ice on her knee and with the verbal support of my siblings, other brother and I took Mom to the ER. 5 hours, 2 xrays, blood tests, and a tetnus shot later, we finally got out of the hospital. Nothing was broken, thank goodness and she belly ached that all we did was a a waste of time. The ER doc was glad we'd brought her in because she is on warfarin (blood thinner) .
The ER experience was good for brother. He doesn't experience the reality of Mom's condition the way I do. She couldn't remember what meds she is taking when she was asked. (But she was able to repeat some of the meds repeatedly at the dinner table!) She couldn't remember what meds she is allergic to. She didn't know what day it was. Brother was present to hear her struggle with these answers. Certainly, I don't like that Mom is in this condition but I did appreciate that brother finally got to hear what I hear all the time.
Hubby and I took Mom home on Saturday and planned to take the ferry to travel home on Sunday. What I found at her home was that she had screwed up her check book a bit and had no food to speak of because she didn't think she had the money to go food shopping. I knew better and I knew immediately that she forgot to record an automatic deposit. But Hubby and I went grocery shopping for her (getting healthy foods instead of canned soup) and I made a nice dinner allowing for some left overs which she could reheat.
So, keeping to the topic here, I was grossed out and embarassed on Friday and Saturday when her repetitious story was about how constipated she'd been all day Thursday and Friday morning. She told hubby and I the story many times and she told everyone she could about her dilemna and how she solved it. ewwww. I just wanted to disappear!
I am happy to be home but I'm up late because I can't turn my brain off. Mom is okay in some ways, but tonight she was crying again because she "put the dinner in fromt of these kids and they just sit there and don't eat it. So I threw it out!" She gets depressed because these "kids" are so disrespectful and "never talk" to her. sigh.....
It's great to know I can come here and unload. Nothing is going to change, but it feels good to vent and know you understand. Thanks for listening, friends. You are so appreciated! (((hugs))) Bee
Hey everybody! Still raining! flood watch tonight! Whatever....Nice title for a book think I will write one!
Diane, sorry to hear about your Mom! I can relate to it oh do well though! Dad gets up at about 10pm and stays up until.......whatever....oh there it is again!
Linda, glad you got out of this freaking weather for at least a couple of days! No sun coming out anytime soon! Whatever!
Grateful no more falls! Lights sure do make a big difference!
Wish I could say that I am headed up to bed, but will be up for some time to come! Whatever! LOL....
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ? A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins,...'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Hi Gang, Busy bee today out of the house. Sorry for your angst, Diane, but MSM gave good sisterly advice. Don't you Love the Sisters we have on the Boat? Makes it all worthwhile:) almost. Moving forward...Where is our little Cricket today? Chirp, chirp... Cuz, your jokes are getting more and more risqué. Haha. Gee, Don't! Stop! Don't stop. Hahaha!!!! Come on back, everyone, and check in with the Crew who Loves you:) hugs, xo
hi you all ! missing u guys over the weekend . thought of you guys too . flex , im sorry about ur mom . it is scary , as mariesmom explained sounds so true . my pa sounds like what ur mom is going thru , but he doesnt make noises anymore . just lays there and whines when he needs something . spoke german all day today . i caught some of what he said and figured it out . one thing at a time , one day at a time too . dad has been acting like he s dying for the lasr 3 or 4 years , here lately it seems like he s on his way out . gurgglin in his throat , coughin trying to get thick soild mucus out it wont come out , this year it seems like a sad times , watching our parent go down hill slowly , its all in the lords hands , all we can do is suffer the heart aches . big hugs to u flex .... went on a roadtrip :-) and i met our captain :-) , had a wonderful time meowin with her . love that cousin vinney train ! lol . i love her kitty ! that kitty has a hellva sweet personality . shes a doll !! bobbie and kitty are so lucky to have eachother . sunday came and i was not ready to leave , it was a quickie short vacation . damn it ! time just went zoomin by ! i lost a day somewhere cuz i swore its only sat , nope its sunday . waaaaaa .... sis in law went with me and she indeed had a wonderful time , she loves it too . i would like to go back one day and spend more time with bobbie . shes a pleasure to be with and yes she made a damn good coffee too !!! thanks bobbie ! my body is out of whack . im cold and tired and yes kimmy this weather sucks ! on the way back home we ran into rain in gergoria somewhere rainned all the way home , poured too . it was beautiful where bobbie was at . i freaked out sat morn when i opene dthe boat door to sit outside to smoke and slurp coffee , i could not believe its warm outside !!! i was thinkin that im steppin out in the garage and be cold , oh noo it was soo warm outside , i had to laugh , strange feelin to be in a warmer state when i expected that it be cold out . it was a great feeling ! ok wheres that snow at ? its suppose to be comin here soon . guess ill suffer for 4 mos of this cold . christina _ are u and hubby getting over the colds yet ? hope so . wheres annt ? miz ? everybody too . lili ? ok i best get off here and find something to fix for pa to eat , i didnt fix supper i had to go lay down . tmr i shall get back into the routine , goodnight u all , love ya !! xoxo
Flex I am so sorry things are going so badly for you -if your Mom has to go in a nursing home would she be able to be on medicade-it would be based on her assests so your siblings would not have anything to say about it unless they want her to live with them-maybe you can suggest that to them and see what their reaction will be. You should not have to endanger your health to care for her-I am worried about you and wish I could help you in some way.
Thanks for the suggestions. Mom sleeps through most television. She does love the weather channel, but then panics because no matter where the weather is occuring she thinks it is where she is located. I'm waiting for the primary care physician to call me with the appointment time for the cardiologist. They haven't gotten her report from the 24 hour monitor yet.
I have asked my mom if she is afraid of dying and I know she wants to be buried next to my dad. I really have never asked her specifics. The pastor came by and spoke with me and mom. I am sinking so deep in the black hole that its scary. Im sometimes afraid I'll never get out of it.
I'm also feeling trapped. What if this is the next stage in her dementia? How do I carry on? My brother and sister were freaking out over an additional $200 per month. Can you imagine if it is $1000 a month for a NH?
Before Mom's Alz reached the point where she could no longer verbally communicate, she declared she was dying most every day. I would tell her that indeed she was dying, that we are ALL dying, but not today. Today we were were all OK. This worked for my Mom - as my 'smartass' answer was the way i had always communicated weith her - and thus it gave her a sense of normalcy (had I fawned over her at this point it might have scared her to death).
Also, If she is lucid, maybe what she needs is to talk about dying. If she is religious you could assure her that death is only a transition to a better place, and a journey we all must take. Maybe having a clergy member drop by would give her comfort. If she is not religous, she still might wish to talk about her final arrangments. Mom wanted her pink shroud! It was of the utmost importance to her to know she would be buried in that (and she was, with pink slippers to match), and to have me assure her no one would be allowed to "paint her face like a hussy" (they did not).
Seems lots of elderly folks want to talk about dying, but we don't bring it up because its too hard on us - and they don't bring it up because its too hard on us. Death becomes the elephant in the living room that no one mentions. But allowing our loved ones to talk about it - perhaps by broaching the subject in a roundabout way - may be one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
As for the noise - Mom was QUEEN of the noise. Carol Burnette Tarzan yells at 3am, 'MURDER! MURDER!" screams at all hours, "Yoo - Hoo's" and "Woo-Woo's" like a train whistle. And for a time she mocked most everything she heard us say when outside her room. (Husband and I swear we have heard Mom "woo-hooing twice since she passed). Its terribly quiet here these days.
You could wrap something around the metal bedrail to cut down the noise - Mom would beat her walker against hers. I took to turning her music (both classical , religious and soft rock) UP a little bit more when she was extremely agitated as it was more effort for her to compete to be heard. For a long period we even kept the door to her room closed and and old sleeping bag hung in front of it - husband and I worked on the floor above her room and she was SO loud customers could hear her on the phone! (Husband told folks she was our collections department)
Boredom could be a factor. Could you change her room up a bit? We moved Moms bed often to give her different views. Thumbtacking old quilts or shower curtains on the wall add color at no cost (and the shower curtains will also help protevct walls from thrown food).
When moms TV was on we kept it turned to childrens shows like Dora the Explorer or Sesame Street. Weather channel was great til they started showing all the tornado and fire shows which terrified her. The golf channel I've found overall to be the best thing for quiet talk and benign images.
NONE of the anti-anxiety meds we used for Mom ever worked - nor did my initial OTC attempts with benadryl or sleep aids (before I knew better about the dangers of these products and stopped them).
Aromatherapy with soothing scents like lavendar DID help quiet her. GNC sells a spray that heped with my sleep and hers. I also burned incense (placed out of reach) as that smell lingered for a long time. (Candles can be dangerous and are so expensive and I find the scent of plug-ins and stand alones too strong).
Some folks with dementia do become extremely agitated near end of life. Mom certainly did. I thought it was just her acting out. I didn't know. --- Yak yak yak - anything to keep from paying the bill, right? Love you guys
I awoke suddenly this morning to a banging noise. I jumped out my bed and realized it was mom. I went into her room and there she is in her bed banging on the metal bedrail with a small metal flashlight. Her comment "I'm don't feel well, I'm dying". I was ready to lose it right then. It has been a month of these constant spells of weakness and her waking all hours of the night saying she is dying. She spends most of the day in bed again saying she is dying. Her blood glucose is good, her BP, and pulse rate are normal and she doesn't have a fever. Last urine test she was clear of UTI's. Does anyone have suggestions? I don't know what to do with her and the doctor doesn't have any answers either. I'm giving her 1/2 an Ativan at night trying to get her to sleep. I swear she is having panic attacks. I know exhaustion is feeding into the depression I am sinking into more and more.
Diane, you've just been through too much! I wouldn't have a hair left on my head had I gone through your last few weeks! Instead of being down on yourself, stop and consider just how strong you are. Its easy to lay down and quit - much, much harder to stand and fight - but you've done it, you're still doing it - and all of us here on the boat are cheering you on!
We really do feel your pain, we understand your tiredness and stress and heartache.We 'get' it. The siblings don't. They can't possibly know your pain.
You are a dear, precious person with a HUGE heart. Dear precious people with huge hearts are often seen as weak and vulnerable (and we all know what happens to the weak - they are attacked and eaten). But the truth is you are not weak. You have proven how strong you are in caring for others 100 times. What you must do now is carve out a little niche of caring for yourself.
Even something as small as parking far from the door at work and walking to and from it slowly each day and while doing so - put a smile on your face and repeat some positive affirmations. "I am loved. I matter to those who love me. I am strong and special and no one has the right to make me feel any other way." I KNOW it sounds cheesey - it IS cheesey! But smiling alone - a real smile - can improve your mood - saying nice things to and about yourself can improve your mood overall. And it can also improve your reactions to the negative nasties posing as family members. And if that doesn't work we'll all boat over and egg and TP their houses and leave flaming poo on their steps - now there's a great use for all the poo we are privy to. Think we could start a "flaming poo on the doorstep of nasty siblings service?"
hey I try to help out as much as I can to lightnen up some of your dark days. luvCuz ps I talked to captain bobbie tonight and she starting to feel alot better about everything. says to say hi to everyone
My flower is a Hibiscus that bloomed in one of my flower pots this morning and I wanted to share it with you all.
Diane and Jen, I'm sorry you both have so much family pain. It really does suck. I know it's not easy but try to find one positive thing to think of and focus on, Lord knows you need it to keep going. If you can't think of anything then think of the love we all here have for you. We are cheering you on each day. I can tell you both that when I think of you I see two really good people caring for others when it's hard as hell. That has to go a long way! What helps me when I am hurt by the words and actions of others is to remember that the actual acts were stabbing pain and that is bad enough but when I repeat the memories over and over in my head the stabs of pain are coming no longer from them but from me. We surely can't change what others have done to us or what they do but we certainly can stop the continued pain we cause ourselves by repeating the memory of it in our heads and hearts. I don't know if this helps but I can only try to share reminders because we all need them to hang on to some sanity. Love to you both and to everyone else. *Hugs* Cricket
Barb, You said it very well. I just keep getting hurt continuously from my family. They have turned on me in a vicious way. The saddest part is they don't even see how cruel they are. I'm trying to tread water, but I'm getting tired of the constant pain and attacks. I'm not finding joy or purpose in this life. I am greatful James survived his heart attack, but I'm not sure why I am to suffer these attacks from my brother and sister on a regular basis. I'm very overwhelmed by the painful emotions. Tomorrow is my first day back at work in three weeks. I can imagine how overwhelming that will be too. I'll keep treading as long as I can. :(
Hi everybody! Happy everybody is safe from their travels! The rain and gloom here in Indianapolis and surrounding areas can end any time now! Have a good night! Love you all! Kim
Hi girls I am happy you had more or less a happy Thanksgiving. Jen, you have such a good dark sense of humor. As you know we don't have Tksgiving here. But I had a very busy "Thanksgiving" weekend. It seems I am the only healthy person in my environment. My two helpers who are much younger than me have huge problems of health. Their children are always sick. My mother, you know how she is. So I am worried for everybody, I keep healthy because I don't give a damn about my health, I am healthy but I am completely insane. So, there is a healthy insane person (me) who has to take care of a lot of sane of mind, but physically sick people. And as they are very scared, I have to remind them to go to the doctor, to do their tests... It's such a weird situation. Christina, you can use (as a sauce for gnocchi), gorgonzola or fontina or any cheese which melts. Have you ever tried to do green gnocchi? They are spinach based, much more little than normal gnocchi, and they are delicious. I found many recipes, the problem is that I don't know which one is good...If you are interested, I can ask some people who live in Northern Italy. Hi Bobbieeeeee on the boat!
Oh dear Jen and Diane - please don't let those ugly people take away from who you are and from all you've accomplished. Those ugly people are nothing. They are not 1/1000000th of the people you are. They are like flies needing to be swatted away from the pies. They are like those ugly and ignorant 'church' people who protest at funerals just to hear themselves talk. They are nobody. YOU are somebody. Somebody very special. What they think or say or do is nothing.
One must always stop and consider the source from whom the criticism spews. --- I haven't talked about it much but I have been 'under the gun' from my brothers since just after Moms death in September when I emailed (as the executor must) to inform them what was left of their monetary inheritance and to ask if they wished check or wire?
Both wrote wanting to know what had happened to all the money they had expected to receive - and to infer I had spent it on myself. Crazy brother even quoted me some law (or rather he thought he did).
I tried to laugh it off, but in truth my heart was crushed by their thinly veiled accusations that I had 'enriched' myself with Mom's money. My BP soared, my heart thumped mightily all the time, and my head hurt so that both husband and I feared I was either going to have a heart attack or stroke out - and all this with Mom hardly cold in her grave. And all the good counsel I sought did little to alleviate my suffering. I knew the truth. But to have my own flesh and blood accuse of me being some sort of a sneaky crook after all me and mine have been through, after all the money me and mine spent from our own pockets to care for Mom - it was just too much.
What has leveled me out is TIME. I don't think it matters all that much how smart or informed or seemingly prepared we are to deal with intense emotional pain, be it the death of someone we love, or a romantic break-up, or even losing a job unexpectedly - the one thing that seems to 'normalize' the situation is adapting to the new reality, and this takes time. This is why it's so important to get up day after day and soldier on with one foot after another. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does help one learn to live with them.
While I have known for years that my brothers could care less about their mom or me or my family, it didn't TRULY hit me until it came time to divvy up Moms money, and instead of gratitude that there was any money left after 6 yrs of caregiving - I receive the demand for MORE MONEY - AND my integrity is questioned. And me 55 an never been accused of anything worse than eating the last piece of cake . . .
Only with the passage of time have I been able to adapt to this assault, and to see it for what it is, and to internalize all the good counsel I have received.
I can't control what my wretched, guilt-ridden, ugly, greedy, cold-hearted, mean-spirited brothers say or do, I can only control how I react to it. And given the time to regain my footing from this two-tiered assault, and armed with the confidence of knowing I have truth on my side, I am determined to remain calm and level-headed in the face of it. I am a mountain of serenity. I am an ocean of peace. They are but tiny, tiny, little men and nothing they can say or do in their pettiness will affect me. They are not worth it. They are not worth my sanity and they are certainly not worth my life.
First, Cuz, you're killin' us, as usual. Secondly, I must make a selfish statement: that I could not live without Jen or Diane, so that would equal at least minus 3. Boat needs a humongous Crew. No abandoning ship. Boat. Boat. What does the Captain say? "thinkoftheboat thinkoftheboat". Love you guys!!!!!!! WhooHoo!!!
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Mom fell again last night. Doesn't appear that she hurt anything. My brother has taken her out for lunch. This is good since I'm feeling very bad with a bout of IBS and spasms in my colon. I was trying to go into work, but my stomach is so swollen it hurts bad to sit up. I knew something was brewing with that awful headache last night. I'm feeling very defeated and completely encompassed by the black hole. Nothing bright or encouraging to say right now other than to thank you for the support.
Love ya,
Diane
Bee - did you guys take the ferry across Delaware Nay? We took it on the tail end of a noreaster once and husband and I sore never again - I get barfy just remembering it!
The 'going to the ER' call is a tough one especially over a weekend or holiday. The protocol we put in place here for Moms falls was:
1. 'Call, watch and wait' - making sure we reported the call - even if to the doctors answering service, so we would have a record. With the increasing public awareness of elder abuse, better to have a record of any cuts or brusies than not.
2. Consider 'urgent care' facilities as an alternative to the ER. You can even call them first to see how busy they are, and if they take your insurance. These facilities will absolutely refer you on to the hospital if the injury or illness is beyond their capability, and the visit is usually hours shorter and muvch, much less expensive that going to the ER.
3. Call an ambulance. In many communities there is NO CHARGE to have the firetruck and the EMT's come out and assess. Mine is such. The EMT's do the BP, blood ox, check for range of motion, etc. and while they are not SUPPOSED to give you their opinion on going to the hospital, your can infer it. When Mom fell on labor day weekend with a hurricane howling, and I was loathe to put her in wheelchair, into car, out of car, etc., to have her checked out, it was an ideal solution. They assured me she was fine - and again, I eliminated any possibility of being accused of elder abuse or negligence becasuse ofr their visit. Also, they told me to call anytime 24/7 if I needed help moving Mom or getting her up from the floor (I wish I had realized this! I injured my lower back when getting Mom up when she fell - and the injury worsened during her last weeks of life - severely affecting my ability to care for her by myself and adding ongoing physical pain that often brought me to tears to the emotional trauma I was expereincing).
---
Don't feel too bad that you can't have a relationship with your Mom. I understand what you are saying, though. After 60 years you'd think I'd be immune to my Mom's venom but it still hurts from time to time. My wonderful hubby reminds me not to take her comments personally and I am able to "blame" some of this on her demensia.
It helps me to be more compassionate with Mom when I focus on the negative impact dementia is having on her quality of life. It helps me to deal with my guilt feelings when I accept that her stubborness and arrogance are the things preventing her from having a better quality of life. It's a tricky balance and that balance is slowly shifting. Before long, she won't have a choice and I will be able to get her some help whether she likes it or not.
Saturday night hubby and I slept at Mom's before driving home. She lives in a small home with a well. Everytime the water is used, the pumpt (right across the hall from the guest room) turns on. At 2:30 who knows what she was doing. At 4 am she took a shower for 30 minutes. At 5:40 she turned the light on in the guest room to ask what time we wanted to get up.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my mind was occupied with concerns for Mom's situation. My Serenity Prayer wasn't helping and so today I need to just get by on my 3 hours of sleep. I've read the posts of those who get ittle sleep. Thanks for your psots, I am not alone.
Have a good day if you can, friends. Bee
And, cuz, thanks for the laughs.
We were with my family for Thanksgiving. My 56 year old brother is getting anxious about a reconstructive surgery scheduled for January. He developed an infection in his skull and brain following surgery to remove two large tumors in July. They removed a section of skull about the size of your palm in late August because the infection was so imbedded in the skull tissue. We almost lost him back in September but he is doing better now. His stamina is still low and we gathered at his home to be grateful together.
Hubby and I stayed at a hotel, Mom and other brother stayed at Jim's until Saturday.
My Mom was with us because other brother picked her up in southern NJ.
She is such a stubborn, ornery lady! Thanksgiving dinner was fine, for the most part. She tried to dominate the dinner discussion with repeated reports about the medications she takes. Oy.
On Friday the weather was a little warmer so the family sat in the back patio for morning coffee. Mom took a fall at about 9:30 am landing on her left knee and scratching both of her pinky fingers. Midafternoon, hubby and I arrived at Jim's and I was told about her fall and the fact that she refused to put ice on her knee and would not let anyone look at her knee.
Well, I looked at her scratched up knee, swollen to about the size of a tennis ball. Despite her vicious protests, I got ice on her knee and with the verbal support of my siblings, other brother and I took Mom to the ER. 5 hours, 2 xrays, blood tests, and a tetnus shot later, we finally got out of the hospital. Nothing was broken, thank goodness and she belly ached that all we did was a a waste of time. The ER doc was glad we'd brought her in because she is on warfarin (blood thinner) .
The ER experience was good for brother. He doesn't experience the reality of Mom's condition the way I do. She couldn't remember what meds she is taking when she was asked. (But she was able to repeat some of the meds repeatedly at the dinner table!) She couldn't remember what meds she is allergic to. She didn't know what day it was. Brother was present to hear her struggle with these answers. Certainly, I don't like that Mom is in this condition but I did appreciate that brother finally got to hear what I hear all the time.
Hubby and I took Mom home on Saturday and planned to take the ferry to travel home on Sunday. What I found at her home was that she had screwed up her check book a bit and had no food to speak of because she didn't think she had the money to go food shopping. I knew better and I knew immediately that she forgot to record an automatic deposit. But Hubby and I went grocery shopping for her (getting healthy foods instead of canned soup) and I made a nice dinner allowing for some left overs which she could reheat.
So, keeping to the topic here, I was grossed out and embarassed on Friday and Saturday when her repetitious story was about how constipated she'd been all day Thursday and Friday morning. She told hubby and I the story many times and she told everyone she could about her dilemna and how she solved it. ewwww. I just wanted to disappear!
I am happy to be home but I'm up late because I can't turn my brain off. Mom is okay in some ways, but tonight she was crying again because she "put the dinner in fromt of these kids and they just sit there and don't eat it. So I threw it out!" She gets depressed because these "kids" are so disrespectful and "never talk" to her. sigh.....
It's great to know I can come here and unload. Nothing is going to change, but it feels good to vent and know you understand. Thanks for listening, friends. You are so appreciated! (((hugs))) Bee
Diane, sorry to hear about your Mom! I can relate to it oh do well though! Dad gets up at about 10pm and stays up until.......whatever....oh there it is again!
Linda, glad you got out of this freaking weather for at least a couple of days! No sun coming out anytime soon! Whatever!
Grateful no more falls! Lights sure do make a big difference!
Wish I could say that I am headed up to bed, but will be up for some time to come! Whatever! LOL....
Love and hugs to all! Check in later! Kim
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,...'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Busy bee today out of the house. Sorry for your angst, Diane, but MSM gave good sisterly advice. Don't you Love the Sisters we have on the Boat? Makes it all worthwhile:) almost. Moving forward...Where is our little Cricket today? Chirp, chirp... Cuz, your jokes are getting more and more risqué. Haha. Gee, Don't! Stop! Don't stop. Hahaha!!!!
Come on back, everyone, and check in with the Crew who Loves you:) hugs, xo
flex , im sorry about ur mom . it is scary , as mariesmom explained sounds so true .
my pa sounds like what ur mom is going thru , but he doesnt make noises anymore . just lays there and whines when he needs something . spoke german all day today . i caught some of what he said and figured it out . one thing at a time , one day at a time too . dad has been acting like he s dying for the lasr 3 or 4 years , here lately it seems like he s on his way out . gurgglin in his throat , coughin trying to get thick soild mucus out it wont come out ,
this year it seems like a sad times , watching our parent go down hill slowly , its all in the lords hands , all we can do is suffer the heart aches . big hugs to u flex ....
went on a roadtrip :-) and i met our captain :-) , had a wonderful time meowin with her . love that cousin vinney train ! lol . i love her kitty ! that kitty has a hellva sweet personality . shes a doll !! bobbie and kitty are so lucky to have eachother . sunday came and i was not ready to leave , it was a quickie short vacation . damn it ! time just went zoomin by ! i lost a day somewhere cuz i swore its only sat , nope its sunday . waaaaaa .... sis in law went with me and she indeed had a wonderful time , she loves it too . i would like to go back one day and spend more time with bobbie . shes a pleasure to be with and yes she made a damn good coffee too !!! thanks bobbie !
my body is out of whack . im cold and tired and yes kimmy this weather sucks ! on the way back home we ran into rain in gergoria somewhere rainned all the way home , poured too . it was beautiful where bobbie was at . i freaked out sat morn when i opene dthe boat door to sit outside to smoke and slurp coffee , i could not believe its warm outside !!! i was thinkin that im steppin out in the garage and be cold , oh noo it was soo warm outside , i had to laugh , strange feelin to be in a warmer state when i expected that it be cold out . it was a great feeling ! ok wheres that snow at ? its suppose to be comin here soon . guess ill suffer for 4 mos of this cold .
christina _ are u and hubby getting over the colds yet ? hope so .
wheres annt ? miz ? everybody too . lili ?
ok i best get off here and find something to fix for pa to eat , i didnt fix supper i had to go lay down . tmr i shall get back into the routine , goodnight u all , love ya !! xoxo
Thanks for the suggestions. Mom sleeps through most television. She does love the weather channel, but then panics because no matter where the weather is occuring she thinks it is where she is located. I'm waiting for the primary care physician to call me with the appointment time for the cardiologist. They haven't gotten her report from the 24 hour monitor yet.
I have asked my mom if she is afraid of dying and I know she wants to be buried next to my dad. I really have never asked her specifics. The pastor came by and spoke with me and mom. I am sinking so deep in the black hole that its scary. Im sometimes afraid I'll never get out of it.
I'm also feeling trapped. What if this is the next stage in her dementia? How do I carry on? My brother and sister were freaking out over an additional $200 per month. Can you imagine if it is $1000 a month for a NH?
Mom calling, gotta go.
Also, If she is lucid, maybe what she needs is to talk about dying. If she is religious you could assure her that death is only a transition to a better place, and a journey we all must take. Maybe having a clergy member drop by would give her comfort. If she is not religous, she still might wish to talk about her final arrangments. Mom wanted her pink shroud! It was of the utmost importance to her to know she would be buried in that (and she was, with pink slippers to match), and to have me assure her no one would be allowed to "paint her face like a hussy" (they did not).
Seems lots of elderly folks want to talk about dying, but we don't bring it up because its too hard on us - and they don't bring it up because its too hard on us. Death becomes the elephant in the living room that no one mentions. But allowing our loved ones to talk about it - perhaps by broaching the subject in a roundabout way - may be one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
As for the noise - Mom was QUEEN of the noise. Carol Burnette Tarzan yells at 3am, 'MURDER! MURDER!" screams at all hours, "Yoo - Hoo's" and "Woo-Woo's" like a train whistle. And for a time she mocked most everything she heard us say when outside her room. (Husband and I swear we have heard Mom "woo-hooing twice since she passed). Its terribly quiet here these days.
You could wrap something around the metal bedrail to cut down the noise - Mom would beat her walker against hers. I took to turning her music (both classical , religious and soft rock) UP a little bit more when she was extremely agitated as it was more effort for her to compete to be heard. For a long period we even kept the door to her room closed and and old sleeping bag hung in front of it - husband and I worked on the floor above her room and she was SO loud customers could hear her on the phone! (Husband told folks she was our collections department)
Boredom could be a factor. Could you change her room up a bit? We moved Moms bed often to give her different views. Thumbtacking old quilts or shower curtains on the wall add color at no cost (and the shower curtains will also help protevct walls from thrown food).
When moms TV was on we kept it turned to childrens shows like Dora the Explorer or Sesame Street. Weather channel was great til they started showing all the tornado and fire shows which terrified her. The golf channel I've found overall to be the best thing for quiet talk and benign images.
NONE of the anti-anxiety meds we used for Mom ever worked - nor did my initial OTC attempts with benadryl or sleep aids (before I knew better about the dangers of these products and stopped them).
Aromatherapy with soothing scents like lavendar DID help quiet her. GNC sells a spray that heped with my sleep and hers. I also burned incense (placed out of reach) as that smell lingered for a long time. (Candles can be dangerous and are so expensive and I find the scent of plug-ins and stand alones too strong).
Some folks with dementia do become extremely agitated near end of life. Mom certainly did. I thought it was just her acting out. I didn't know.
---
Yak yak yak - anything to keep from paying the bill, right? Love you guys
We really do feel your pain, we understand your tiredness and stress and heartache.We 'get' it. The siblings don't. They can't possibly know your pain.
You are a dear, precious person with a HUGE heart. Dear precious people with huge hearts are often seen as weak and vulnerable (and we all know what happens to the weak - they are attacked and eaten). But the truth is you are not weak. You have proven how strong you are in caring for others 100 times. What you must do now is carve out a little niche of caring for yourself.
Even something as small as parking far from the door at work and walking to and from it slowly each day and while doing so - put a smile on your face and repeat some positive affirmations. "I am loved. I matter to those who love me. I am strong and special and no one has the right to make me feel any other way." I KNOW it sounds cheesey - it IS cheesey! But smiling alone - a real smile - can improve your mood - saying nice things to and about yourself can improve your mood overall. And it can also improve your reactions to the negative nasties posing as family members. And if that doesn't work we'll all boat over and egg and TP their houses and leave flaming poo on their steps - now there's a great use for all the poo we are privy to. Think we could start a "flaming poo on the doorstep of nasty siblings service?"
Hang in there Diane. This too shall pass.
luvCuz
ps I talked to captain bobbie tonight and she starting to feel alot better about everything. says to say hi to everyone
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a
woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special
day for me.... I am celebrating'
This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked
glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and
today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all
laying fertilized eggs.'
That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
My flower is a Hibiscus that bloomed in one of my flower pots this morning and I wanted to share it with you all.
Diane and Jen, I'm sorry you both have so much family pain. It really does suck. I know it's not easy but try to find one positive thing to think of and focus on, Lord knows you need it to keep going. If you can't think of anything then think of the love we all here have for you. We are cheering you on each day. I can tell you both that when I think of you I see two really good people caring for others when it's hard as hell. That has to go a long way! What helps me when I am hurt by the words and actions of others is to remember that the actual acts were stabbing pain and that is bad enough but when I repeat the memories over and over in my head the stabs of pain are coming no longer from them but from me. We surely can't change what others have done to us or what they do but we certainly can stop the continued pain we cause ourselves by repeating the memory of it in our heads and hearts. I don't know if this helps but I can only try to share reminders because we all need them to hang on to some sanity. Love to you both and to everyone else. *Hugs* Cricket
You said it very well. I just keep getting hurt continuously from my family. They have turned on me in a vicious way. The saddest part is they don't even see how cruel they are. I'm trying to tread water, but I'm getting tired of the constant pain and attacks. I'm not finding joy or purpose in this life. I am greatful James survived his heart attack, but I'm not sure why I am to suffer these attacks from my brother and sister on a regular basis. I'm very overwhelmed by the painful emotions. Tomorrow is my first day back at work in three weeks. I can imagine how overwhelming that will be too. I'll keep treading as long as I can. :(
Jen, you have such a good dark sense of humor.
As you know we don't have Tksgiving here. But I had a very busy "Thanksgiving" weekend. It seems I am the only healthy person in my environment. My two helpers who are much younger than me have huge problems of health. Their children are always sick. My mother, you know how she is. So I am worried for everybody, I keep healthy because I don't give a damn about my health, I am healthy but I am completely insane. So, there is a healthy insane person (me) who has to take care of a lot of sane of mind, but physically sick people. And as they are very scared, I have to remind them to go to the doctor, to do their tests...
It's such a weird situation.
Christina, you can use (as a sauce for gnocchi), gorgonzola or fontina or any cheese which melts. Have you ever tried to do green gnocchi? They are spinach based, much more little than normal gnocchi, and they are delicious. I found many recipes, the problem is that I don't know which one is good...If you are interested, I can ask some people who live in Northern Italy.
Hi Bobbieeeeee on the boat!
One must always stop and consider the source from whom the criticism spews.
---
I haven't talked about it much but I have been 'under the gun' from my brothers since just after Moms death in September when I emailed (as the executor must) to inform them what was left of their monetary inheritance and to ask if they wished check or wire?
Both wrote wanting to know what had happened to all the money they had expected to receive - and to infer I had spent it on myself. Crazy brother even quoted me some law (or rather he thought he did).
I tried to laugh it off, but in truth my heart was crushed by their thinly veiled accusations that I had 'enriched' myself with Mom's money. My BP soared, my heart thumped mightily all the time, and my head hurt so that both husband and I feared I was either going to have a heart attack or stroke out - and all this with Mom hardly cold in her grave. And all the good counsel I sought did little to alleviate my suffering. I knew the truth. But to have my own flesh and blood accuse of me being some sort of a sneaky crook after all me and mine have been through, after all the money me and mine spent from our own pockets to care for Mom - it was just too much.
What has leveled me out is TIME. I don't think it matters all that much how smart or informed or seemingly prepared we are to deal with intense emotional pain, be it the death of someone we love, or a romantic break-up, or even losing a job unexpectedly - the one thing that seems to 'normalize' the situation is adapting to the new reality, and this takes time. This is why it's so important to get up day after day and soldier on with one foot after another. Time does not heal all wounds, but it does help one learn to live with them.
While I have known for years that my brothers could care less about their mom or me or my family, it didn't TRULY hit me until it came time to divvy up Moms money, and instead of gratitude that there was any money left after 6 yrs of caregiving - I receive the demand for MORE MONEY - AND my integrity is questioned. And me 55 an never been accused of anything worse than eating the last piece of cake . . .
Only with the passage of time have I been able to adapt to this assault, and to see it for what it is, and to internalize all the good counsel I have received.
I can't control what my wretched, guilt-ridden, ugly, greedy, cold-hearted, mean-spirited brothers say or do, I can only control how I react to it. And given the time to regain my footing from this two-tiered assault, and armed with the confidence of knowing I have truth on my side, I am determined to remain calm and level-headed in the face of it. I am a mountain of serenity. I am an ocean of peace. They are but tiny, tiny, little men and nothing they can say or do in their pettiness will affect me. They are not worth it. They are not worth my sanity and they are certainly not worth my life.
I'm still alive. I'm sharing Jen's feeling that I've had enough of this life. Still dealing with the ugliness from family members.
Heartfelt hugs to you all.
Love,
Diane