Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

We are in it together, Diane. None of us is alone, which makes it easier. We have been brought together in a very loving way. I am very thankful for each Angel here. Big Hug.

Yes, Cricket, I hear you. I have experienced similar. Huge egos are usually a sign of insecurity. I always thought I had to try harder, that if I accomplished something of note, that I would be recognized by my Mother. I did this my entire life until it was my MO to be a "doer". It's OK--I am versatile and able. I created my own position--to fill the void of the family with my abilities. One more thing I can do. But, if I were really benefitting the family, things would be flowing lovingly and smoothly, Si?
This last year, I told my sister how she "hurt my feelings" with her comments toward me, and she laughed it off. I don't get it, but it is her way of manipulating to keep me where she wants me. Oh well. I envision her on her death bed, finally apologizing, and then what am I going to do? Tell her, "well, I knew you would do this. Like Mother, you have nothing better to do at this point in your life, and no one else to help you, so if I don't accept your apology, I am yet again, the bad guy". It's hysterical. I need to quell my imagination and quit writing fairy tales.
I must quit feeding the monster. By the way: I did my good deed of the day and posted 3 recipes on Favorite Recipes thread:)

Ted, Lilli, SS my prayers are with you. Please make sure to get some rest so you can all get through this critical time. The sibs are going to say and do what they perceive themselves no matter what we do. You may want to reach out and strangle them, but dont continue to let your anger for them hurt you. THis is much easier said than done. The good man up stairs knows the truth. Christina, why don't we let our guard down? Because we don't want to be runover by a bulldozer before we have a chance to blink. Linda, Kathy, Kim, Cricket, 54J, Jen, Bee, Rossella, Ann, Annie and all those still in the tranches, keep your chin up. Miz, Rip, Austin, Kuli, Barb, Bobbie and Cuz, thanks for sticking with us. I know my brain has missed naming many, but forgive me. You all are my lifeline and want you to know how much you mean to me.

Have a good day where ever you are and know that I'm thinking of you.

Love ya,
Diane

Christina, There is so much truth in what you said. It reminded me of an experience that I went through with my SIL about a year before my MIL called me and asked me to come help her so she could stay at home and die in peace. A year earlier my youngest daughter Sara and I drove to CA to visit family. After days of driving and we were so excited to see everyone we walked in and I went up to each person to hug them and when I got to my SIL she did an abrupt turn and walked away from me and my daughter. We had always got along great and I had thought we were close so this was like a knife stab in my heart. It took everything I had to just let it go, but I did. A couple days later I called her to find out what I did to cause her to react in such a way, it did no good and she ended up talking to me in such an arrogant manner that I had to just hang up. A year later when I got the call from MIL, I went to take care of her. At one point she said to me... can you just forgive Kathy (SIL) I was so hurt that she would even ask me to be the one to forgive when I didn't do anything. Believe me it was really hard but I decided that I was there to make my MIL passing better for her so I went on to act toward my SIL as if nothing had ever happened. It made my MIL so happy to see us treating each other kind and like real family. To this day we get along and are close. I found out what the problem was and it had nothing to do with me but rather a miscommunication caused by her Mother, even so I was the one she took it out on. To this day she has never apologized and I still struggle at times with the fact that she never told me she was sorry, but I know and understand her really well. She has a huge ego, and in her mind to say she was sorry would make her appear weak, even though she knows it was her wrong. I just recognize the truth in it and let it go. It doesn't have to change the kind of person I am. It's easy to forgive others when they admit there in the wrong but when they don't, it's up to us. What I do know is that I feel good about the way I act and I can only change myself not anyone else.

My heart beat fast as I read all the posts from the last half day. Lots of scurrying to help friends, good perspective, a little chaos, wisdom. I have been praying for each circumstance. I see similarities in the dynamics of our families. It's so interesting to observe: it seems the same predicament is laid out in front of us, over and over again, until we are able to step out of the way, remove ego, listen to our hearts, do the thing that is so simple but is also the hardest.
We wonder why there are such problems in the world, when our family drama is right in front of us. So sad, so stupid-- I am identifying with it. I think of the many incidents where I attempted to foster unity, and others were not there, so I was labeled a controller. The last couple of years, my sister gave what she could to the care of my Mother, she brought me plants and treats, but things were not what I wanted. Things and money are all some people are willing to give. They are afraid or unable to reveal themselves, so they hide behind whatever they place in front of them. It's different for everyone. I wonder why I have always been the one to step in to do the emotional jobs in my family: the caregiving, the family dinners, the communicating, even the organizing of and speaking at memorial services for many family members. No one else seems to step forward, when they do speak, it is their own experience with the person, but I notice it is not of the intensity or scope that I expect. We have unique ways about us. In dysfunctional families-- what does that mean?!-- there are individuals with separate and unique imperfections. I certainly have my own which haunt me, so we must accept that the others are also haunted, they are just not as open as we are, they are not as brave or strong or able to express as we are. We are resentful of them, they are angry with us, our parents are aware of it or not, but they want us to work it out between us. Earlier this year when I could still discuss real issues with Mother--can you believe it?-- I asked her about certain belongings of hers, who she would like to have them. She answered in a way that could appear to be uncooperative and in denial: oh, you and "your sister" figure it out." I know what she wanted. It came to me in a moment of recognition. She wants us to work together to be fair. Well, I get it. Why does my sister not come up with this and volunteer to share in this meeting of the minds? How many times do we extend ourselves?
I am simply illustrating what we are all going through, and wonder if we all let down our defenses: our resentment for being the one doing it all, and they might be able to express their thoughts and feelings. Am I still hoping for an idealistic answer?
There must be an answer to this dilemma that we ALL seem to share. Love to each of you, and heartfelt prayers for your individual circumstances. Hugs&Love

Hugs to you, BJ.

Good morning all.... thank you so much for your support! I've only had three hours sleep because of phone calls and visitations. I've let dad sleep, he's still sleeping and it's 11:30 a.m.. I know he needs it more than me now. Still breaking my heart to have to ssee my sister and lissten to her bullshit on Wednesday but like you guys said, my true friends know who took care of mom and showed it not telling people!!! Many hugs to you all, BJ

Very well said, Msm.

I am grateful for each and every one of you on this beautiful autumn day. What a luck day it was when I found you. (I felt it was important to start with that)

Ted - I am so sorry your Mom has gone into the hospital. I know you have been very worried the last few weeks. Please let us know if there is anything we can possibly help with. I know that the family issues make what is already a difficult time so much worse.
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lilli - your situation is so difficult. You need to be there and see what is what.

As for interfering siblings (both those who want invasive medical intervention an those who want Mom to change the Will, etc), my hospice told me they were trained and ready to handle these family members. They said they had authority to keep them away from Mom - and if need be, transfer Mom to the "in-patient" Hospice if necessary to make absolutely sure there wa no such interference. Apparently this is not uncommon. They are acting -via your authority as Moms POA - as agents on her behalf to ensure HER wants and wishes are met. This gave me great peace to know, although my brothers never came.
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SS - I had the SAME THING happen when Mom died. Please read on.

It is very common nowadays for families to conduct their own funeral service - just as weddings wherein the bride and groom do their own vows. I CHOSE such a service when my Mom died in September.

Though she was a Christian and a church 'member', she had not attended church in more than 50 yrs - and thus I did not feel having a strange minister (who the cemetery or funeral home would have hired for me) come and read from the Bible was something I wanted to do.

Neither of my two brothers had visited Mom in the 6 yrs i cared for her or for a long period of time before that. One of my brothers in a little nutty and also religous and quite a narcissist, so i was somewhat mentally PREPARED for anything he might do.

I wrote Moms eulogy (if it will help you with anything let me know and I will send you what I wrote and perhaps you can use it as a template) In it I spoke of her life, gave examples of her kindness, etc., and I also - out of deference to her faith - included her favorite passages from the Bible.

I told my brothers I would be giving the eulogy via email - it was the only way we talked.

My nutty brother - at the chapel (it was to be a graveside but there was a rainstorm) approached me 5 MINUTES before the service was to begin with his PROGRAM for the service. he had prerpared it on hotel stationary apparently that morning. He told me he was going to open with a reading from the Bible, then I could 'talk', and then he would close with more bible reading and a hymn.

I couldn't believe the nerve. I still can't believe anyone had this sort of nerve!

For about 2 seconds I considered handling his suggestion with a Jerry Springer type family throwdown right there in front of Moms casket. I WANTED SO MUCH to beat him senseless with the casket sprays, and punch him in his stupid face.

But - I did not. (Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should)

At Moms funeral, just as in the last 6 yrs I spent caring for her - I chose to act in the way Mom would have wanted me to. I choked back the anger, and the injustice of it all, and I said to my crazy brother "Of course. Do what you want."

So he 'hijacked' the service, though he had no right to, and he gave his little speech, and he (sang the wrong words) to a hymn - and he was very loud and full of himself (becaue it was not about Mom at all - it was about HIM).

And when it was my TURN, when it was the turn of her daughter who had never left her Mom, who had dedicated 24/7 6 yrs of her life to caring for her Mom, I spoke of Mom, and of her good deeds, and of her life, and of the uniqueness of my mother and of why she would be remembered.

And nothing my brother said or did took away - could possibly take away - from that.

So my advice to you - having just been through this situation - is to do the same. Take the high road. Be the better person. Your sister - and my brother - have "issues" for sure - but Moms funeral is not the time or place for them to be aired. It is the time to recognize and honor your Moms life.
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Love you guys. Be strong.

Good morning all....crazy night for so many of us. First, thanks to all of you who helped me get through this. And my heart goes out to all of our dear forum members who are suffering in the various stages (and the aftermath) of caregiving.

Ted: so incredibly wonderful to see you again. Please, please stay here with us....good place to vent, but, also a good place to laugh.

SS: some siblings are ugly to the last drop. Tell you sis that you are not having speakers at the furneral. It is a solemn moment and you just want the minister (or whomever) to speak. Tell her that you are asking everyone, who wants to, to speak at a gathering after the funeral. Then you can duck out less conspicuously. (or you can sit in the front row and flip her the bird as she is speaking....sorry, didn't get much sleep and my evil twin is flaring up.)

Austin: I did tell my bro about the ombudsman when he SW was harrassing him. Yes, I think they are great too. We haven't spoken with him or her yet.

Miz is right...everyone will know that SS's sister is a jerk and that she will just continue to make an royal a$$ of herself.

cricket: thanks for the positive thoughts...get so steeped in the craziness, I just need to modify my thinking.

Update on Mom: I canceled my trip. The doctors still cannot stabilize Mom's bp. I also think that they are going to recommend a rehab or NH placement until she recuperates. Thanks to all of you, I feel like I have more clarity this morning. I want to step back and let my sib learn how to handle these things...that has been a life long issue in our fam. I am always asked to jump in and fix things after everything is screwed up...and usually get blamed for the consequences. I also want save my time so I can be there when Mom has left the hospital. At least I have a plan now.

Good Morning,

I don't think that I am alone when it comes to getting so caught up in our duties that we become distracted of our own thoughts. So today I am reminded of how important it is for us to take the "SHOULD" thoughts we make over and over in our heads (internal dialog) that we constantly beat ourselves up with that leads us to being emotionally and physically exhausted, that in turn only defeats us. Instead lets change our "should" thoughts to "Could". Should implies failure when we don't do it. Could implies we have a choice. Yes we really do have a choice about how we chose to think and act. Should thinking destroys, Could thinking builds. That's my story for the day and I'm sticking to it.

Chirp Chirp Love you all, Cricket

SS, all three of us kids got up and talked at Mom's service. We went in chronological order from oldest to youngest. I don't remember anything of what my sister said except she looked at me and said that Mom was able to spend the last years of her life at home. She very rarely called and stopped coming to visit (because I moved my boyfriend in) and only speaks to me when I speak to her unless it's something nasty. She did not come until after Mom passed because she didn't "want to see her like that". I read an article I had written about my mom years ago that had been in our local paper. If your sister does get up and talk, I agree about making it at the end so you don't have to listen to her. It's going to be upsetting enough as it is. People knew that I took care of Mom for over 5 years. You know that you have done the right thing. That is what matters.

love,
miz

lILLI call the hospital and ask for the phone no of their ombudsman and call that person and take to him or her and explain your feeling I think that might be the first step they are an advocate for the family and I have heard good things about them next ask about in hospital hospice let us know how you are doing we love and hurt when you hurt-been there

SS ask your sister to do her talk at the end so you can be sure to be out of there-she wants to put on a show but your friends will no what her motive is and she will just make herself look like the jerk that she is.

It's 3 in the morning and I'm so sick at my stomach... My sister wants to get up in front of everyone at the funeral and tell them how much she loved my mother,,, she's not even here for my father, not coming up until the day before the funeral on wednesday and not staying for my father after. I am beside myself, told her no and where the hell was she for the past six years of showing her love. She's going to do it anyway so when she does I'm getting up and leaving while she talks, rants, does her "loving daughter bit" or whatever. Oh yeah and wants to read from the Bible...... Give me a break or give me a damn gun, loaded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has anyone ever been to a funeral where the family members get up and talk???????????? I thought out of respect we stay in our seats. Let me know.. Much love to all and thank you for sending me your sweet sincere messages, it really means alot to me. Please pray that God will keep her f--- mouth shut!

Lilli, and everyone, just so so guys know, I put mom in the hospital again today, it's fuckin hard, way too many years, love you all but I'm hurting bad, Stay strong, love all of you, Ted LOVE TO all that hurt.

Kim, my heart breaks just reading your post...maybe because I am up to my knees in doctorville. They are bullies and they are not at all apologetic about it. It is one of the few professions where you can be beligerent to your "customers" and get away with it. No one is "documenting" them or reporting on them. Part of the problem is that Mom looks more fragile than she is. I took Mom to a doctor and he said, "oh she can't live on her own" and told me she did not have much time left. That was over 10 year ago!

cricket: I get all the emotions that my bro is going through because I went through them here...alone....without any input or help from any of my family. I just try to set that aside and offer my suggestions...which are seen as interferring. He just hung up on me...why? I don't know. I feel like I am making things worse.

Rip, hospitals and doctors do not bother to disguise their profit motive anymore. When Mom was here I took her to an eye doctor. She didn't introduce herself, spent one minute with Mom, didn't even want to touch her, then told her there was nothing she could do for her. On the way out the assistant reminded me to stop by the front desk to make another appointment! I said, "I'll do that." and wheeled Mom right out the front door.

Kuli: thanks so much for your help...I am always in awe of this group.....
What is "in-patient" hospice? Is that in a hospital?

Lilli - Perhaps the social worker is concerned that hospice care is not enough for your mom to go home. Hospice, while I will forever be grateful for the care they provided to my dad, does not provide continual care. If your mom needs more continual or daily care, that may be what's keeping her in the hospital. Hospice will not usually continue an IV or PICC line as they do not generally believe in invasive type therapies. PICC lines are when hospitals need access for meds usually and they are having difficulty finding veins for IV's. They can be great if say IV antibiotics are needed but can also be a source of infection. Your sib may be having difficulty making tough decisions, i.e. resuscitate vs do not resuscitate. It may be in your mom's best interest for you, her POA, to go there and make decisions based on what you see when you get there and are able to get all of the information first hand. But do understand that your mom may need inpatient hospice or home care to be able to be discharged from the hospital. In the end, they are not going to let her go home to a situation where she may be subject to another fall or worse unless you or your sib can prove otherwise. It 's the usual case of CYA. Again, prayers are with you that you can find a way to meet the care needs of your mom and comply with your mom's wishes. Hugs ~ Kuli

Lilli-This hits really close to home for me. When my Mom was in the hospital, I felt as if the doctors,and most of the hospital personnel were ganging up on me. Any suggestion I made was always met with "no". I feel your rage! They seem to twist everything in order to do what they want to do! My mother who was only 67 did not want a DNR and made her wishes clear to them. Dad and I were whisked into a little room with a doctor who told us she should be DNR. He pushed and pushed until I finally said OK because you are starving her to death anyway! He laughed and wrote it down in the chart and said well as long as there are no attorneys in here! I had no POA and still they pressured me to make a decision that was not mine to make. Mom had already stated her wishes! I think about this every day of my life! Still feel like a traitor! They could see me wearing down and they took advantage of that! I RIP is right, it is a game to them! At least until it is one of their family members! Your Mother's wishes should be respected! Is she in a teaching hospital where doctors come and go? Mom was at IU and they
rotated there weekly! First doc said surgery was possible and was going to do it, but as soon as his rotation was up the nightmare began! Suddenly nothing was possible! Yes! If you need to be bailed out, count me in! I am angry right along with you! I know how frustrating and outright confusing it is! Just know you are in my thoughts and I hope this situation will turn around! Much love to you! Kim

Lilli, What a horrible ordeal for your Mom, Brother and you. As I was reading all your comments I was wondering if your Brother is unable to handle the situation and perhaps your Mother wants you there because she sees that? If your Mother is mentally clear and she tells you to come home, that she needs you, maybe that's what you should do. If you're not sure about what's going on the best way would be to call the SW who is supposedly documenting everything and have her fax to you all her notes. Get what they are saying in writing. I liked what AnnT said about other possibilities of other circumstances that could have led to their behaviors. If your Brother is to stressed out emotionally he might not be thinking or communicating clearly. I know it's really tough :( I am here for you.

Hospitals seem to have become a money-making scheme.
My last 5 years of 'experience' I felt were juggling the corporate need to look impressive & show off the latest technology.
Those fancy new gizmos rarely had anything to do with patient care, especially for the elderly, but sure brought in the big bucks
We weren't in awe. Quite the opposite.
The term continues to arise with so many conglomerates ... (sp?)
Image before Ethics.

Wish we we all there to help. Watch out if Christina is in the area ...
Please continue to update???

Rip: yes...she just keeps repeating, "come home...I need you...I want to get out of here...." But whether I am here or there, I feel that some decisions have been made by the hospital and sib. We all fear making the wrong decision...I think my bro finds comfort in turning to the docs. I find comfort in getting her home. Hospice care is limited...I understand that. So I wonder if my need to get her home is just a protective response, and perhaps, not the best choice right now....confused....I usually rely on logic...hospitals are not logical...

Are you able to speak with her directly on the phone without the brother nearby?

Kuli: so kind of you to respond considering what you have been through.

The first thing that they wanted to do is an angioplasty. I said NO..bro was influencedd by the docs....but we finally decided not to do it. Then they put an IV in....then the pic line....

Mom is agitated but in sound mind...she keeps telling me that she wants to go home...she tells everyone she wants to go home...bro is worried about getting enough care from hospice. He doesn't understand that they have a different philosophy. They are not a hospital...they are comfort care. Ever since I have known her, she said she did not want to be hooked up to machines, etc. I think my bro, guided by emotions, talked her into changing to a full code (don't know for sure). So that is part of the glitch. Bottom line, though, she wants to go home.

I am the POA, but that really gives authority when there is incapacitation.

There are some many strange things that have happened at this hospital. Keep in mind that a relatively healthy woman went into the hospital just a few days ago...and now she is in critical condition in the ICU...I cannot shake the feeling that they are killing her. My bro fears taking her out...that she may expire at home. I feel that home is the best place to be at the end of one's life.

Kuli, I love your response: "I said to him someday you'll understand that just because you can do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do." Science, medicine and technology think they have the answers to everything....as if all we want is to be propped up by machines and meds and call that a "life."



Mom wants to come out...but I am starting to feel like I am just exacerbating the decision making process.

Oh Lilli ... Know we are here for you the best we can be ...

I sure understand your anger! Dealt with way more medical crap even being at Dad's bedside in the hot-shot hospital. When exhausted at home they still seemed to be imbicles.
Can't imagine being so far away.
I understand the pressure your borother is dealing with.

Is it a game to them?

I wrote to you a few days ago that the doctors pressured my brother to put a "pick line" in her arm to deliver the meds so they won't cause a rash on her arm. I was just talking with my bro...the buzzers went off...and they say she has a clot....still waiting to hear...so freaked out right now and angry....

Ted - Good to see you!!! Think about you and your mom all the time!

Lilli - Is your mom able to make her own decisions? When given the decision between angioplasty, stay in the hospital or hospice what was her choice? I know when my dad was on a ventilator for 2 weeks and noone thought he would be able to get off of it, HE ultimately made the choice that he wanted everything done. That supercedes the POA if they think the patient is of sound mind. I don't know what the situation is with your mom but if she wants everything done, she has the ultimate choice. I as my dad's POA explained to him the worst outcome so he had the right information he needed to make a decision but it is ultimately their decision - AS LONG AS THEY ARE COGNITIVELY ABLE TO MAKE THAT DECISION. That is the deciding factor. If, in fact, they are suggesting hospice for your mom, that in itself tells me she may not be in a state to make those decisions for herself. Some hospitals/some physicians will push to do things that seem crazy just cuz they CAN do something. When my dad was in that terrible state on the ventilator, the docs kept pushing for valve replacement surgery. We said no and they could not understand that. In fact, one of the residents said to me we do this surgery all the time - in fact we just did this on a 90 year old woman and she was demented. I looked him straight in the eye and said and you think that was ok - you believe that was the right thing to do? I said to him someday you'll understand that just because you can do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Ask the nurses taking care of you mom what they would do if she were their mom. That was the question I asked each and every person who cared for my dad at that time. Nurse's, at least most of them, will give you their opinion if you ask. And there is nothing that would keep you from requesting a second opinion. Most hospitals have more than one cardiology practice on staff so ask for another opinion. I had the advantage of having a friend who was a cardiac surgeon and was able to have a colleague look over dad's records. He was the one who when I asked what he would do if he were his dad, said "just love him". That made my decision. But I would suggest you ask question after question to really get a good understanding of what's going on in the hospital and what your mom has been saying. It sounds like they aren't sure what to think or which way to go. You as POA may have to step in and really take a stand with the docs. Good luck, Lilli. The decisions you may have to make are very difficult and you will always question whether they were the right ones no matter what the outcome. Hugs ~ Kuli

Lilli, this situation with your mom really chaps my butt! You know all the while my brother was neglecting my mom, not a word was said to him by any of the half dozen doctors she went to. And you guys who are trying to do the best you can to take care of your mother get the third degree from hospital personnel. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Is your brother caving in to the pressure? If so it would make it doubly hard for you to swoop in and take her out AMA. What is this lady trying to accomplish? Does she want to put your mom in a NH? Does she think it is unsafe for your mother where she lives now? Maybe you should give this woman a call if you don't go up there. Just find out what is bothering her. If you do go, ask her then, just what is the problem. In what way are you and your sib not acting in your mom's best interests. Find out what her issues are and address them to her satisfaction. If they are "documenting" everything, that must mean they suspect something and will be holding the evidence to use against someone. Try to reason with her quietly but with authority. Let her see what a reasonable person you are and tell her why you think it's best to take mom home with hospice. Get hospice to back you up if you can. I wish you well in this. It's so difficult!

Diane, I thought it was only me who could not remember everyones names etc.....thank god I'm not the only one.

Love to you all. Hoping you have a peaceful evening.

Ann

Well said, Lilli. Sorry ...
Here for you the best we can.
Our Cyber family ~ looking out the best we can for each other.