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Thanks Kuli, it does help tremendously. My Dad was always like this and it drove my Mother away. For years he lived alone. Instead of getting out and doing things for himself he would sit in his apartment and do nothing but drown himself in self pity and blame everyone else for his situation. I don't remember him being like that when I was a kid though so I'm thinking this all started about 30 yrs ago. It didn't start to become obvious until his health started to decline and I have always lived out of state from him due to my hubbys work. Sometimes I think he crawled in a cave by choice until he became starved for attention. Then I cam along to rescue him. Once my father and mother were divorced he shut me out of his life as a coping method I guess. I've always been the one to make any effort to talk or see him. Unless early Dementia lasts 30+ yrs it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. He is my Father though and I do love him so I keep trying to do the best I can. Some days I just can't.
God MSM who ARE these people!? How do you separate when they are FAMILY!!! cricket vent here all the time that is what it is here for, keeps us from ending up ad the liquor store at 4 am in PJ's and miss matched shoes...without socks.... FINALLY got Monty to vet, ear infection medicated and cleaned, have meds for it, so broke now it is beyond in the hole it tore the hole out and removed the liner and bored into the side of the...you get the idea..what ever, HE has assets period! Use them! I am MAKING Christmas gifts, but unlike deef and some others here I am not gifted with my hands so they are a bit wonky, but well meant...Ah ha! Just figured something out, pimples out of no where...duh just got period at Walmart (what fun), it is zit period as opposed to cramps from hell period or messy lay in bed grousing period...At least there is variety if nothing else... Got the usual "Good Morning Jenny..." Gave the usual "mroningrpa" back almost instantly, follow it with "when your dead..." practically audible!whatever. harry Potter comes out on DVD Thursday, i hope i am allowed to get it, but now i just don't know, He gets magazines and cd's and cookies and ice cream and rolls (Mr. Don't eat white bread it's bad for you") what ever he wants to eat. I wear ripped bras ( so does mom now) and I am scared to take too large a portion of food lest I get The Look! You know I can't win...If I take more than mom feels is acceptable I get sneered at, if I don't "eat up the left overs" I get crabbed at...Hmm...I wouldn't really want to be in a homeless shelter in the lower states but it'd be warmer than here....... Boundaries...I have had his piss splash up on my lips...beh. when does this end really?...grouse grouse vent vent....
Cricket - I think they get jealous of any life we have since their's is so limited. I know my dad would say to me - do you have to see Jim (my b/f) every weekend? And I would say, yes, I do. It's the only time I have all week long. At first it made me very angry that he would even ask me that question but then I would feel very sad that the dad that never wanted to be a burden on me or anyone else, the dad that always wanted his kids to live their lives was now gone forever. It was difficult to accept. I did feel he was being manipulative at times, very much like a child is. But that was not who my dad was, it was his illness, his dementia, and he would have hated to see himself like that or for me to feel that he was trying to monopolize my time and take over my life. I can only speak from my experience. I don't know what your dad was like before he got sick. My dad lived alone for about 15 years after my mom died and had become very self sufficient. Even when I first moved in with him, it was more to help with some of the bigger stuff and to help with his health issues. Other than that he was still very independent. As his health became worse over the past 8 years and especially in the past 3 years, his dependence on me for everything became overwhelming, exhausting, suffocating. I found a part time caregiver that would come once or twice a week and get him out of the house and that did help some. Anyway, that's my story. I hope knowing that we're here for you helps you get through. Kuli
Linda, it seems like I do that all the time but just once in awhile I want to do it exclusively for my husband. LOL Now what's for dinner.... Oh Lord, here come more requests and tons more dishes! It amazes me how the harder I work in the kitchen to make the healthy yet tasty meals the more the dishes pile up. There has to be a better solution. XXOO love you to girl!
Diane, I'm so sorry about your boyfriend. How is he doing? How are you doing?
I finally read everyone's posts from the last couple of days and caught up.
Christina I want a big bowl of that soup! I am a soup girl and love homemade soups. It's all about filling hunger and comfort. The only kind of soup I haven't tried yet is the raw room temperature kind, I just don't like soup if it's not pretty warm.
Does anyone have a favorite homemade stuffing recipe that is a family favorite? With Thanksgiving coming up, how about posting it? Even though I stay away from foods with sugar and bread in them I allow myself to indulge a little at Thanksgiving. I could skip the turkey, cranberries, and just go for the stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. Hmm that says a lot about my cravings category, LOL
cricket , any time i fix my hubby something i add a bit more for pa . when i fix pa something i add a bit more for hubby . you know this is a place to vent and scream and cry and be a schitzoofranic . lalala . we still love all of us sista s ... trire track , mmm i feel that way toward my daughter , need to know what shes doing and where is she etc , i just want her to stay home with me cuz i love her so much and wants to be with her . i slam on my brakes and say uhhh she needs to fly out of the nest let her enjoy begin on her own cuz someday ill be her shadow oh hee hawwwwwwww.... isnt life great ! now whats for supper ? xoxo
Thank you so much everyone for your comments and support. I really need it today. Most of the time I am very tolerable of Dad's demanding demeanor but then like most of us when I am maxed out from him and need a break and can't seem to get all the ducks in a row to actually get one, I seek to shut down and go inward at least in my mind as a desperate way of survival. To give you an example of how he is take this experience; I go into the kitchen to make a specific breakfast for my hubby because I want to do something just for him. My father would have already been up for an hour, had his own breakfast, coffee and taken his meds but he can't stand not knowing what I am doing in the kitchen so he comes in and looks at what I am doing then asks me to make him breakfast with all different foods, custom made for him. It's not because he is hungry, it's like he is jealous of my wanting to do something for my husband and he want's all of my attention. Then in turn, I feel the frustration of not wanting to be rude to him or inconsiderate so it sucks the joy right out of what I am doing for my hubby and now what I am doing has to include him and what started out to be a enjoyable task turned into filling another demand from Dad. I ask myself all the time.. is it a legitimate request or unreasonable and I have to honestly say the ratio is about 1/10 and 1 being legitimate. I'm the kind of person who is very free spirited and naturally inclined to be a peaceful person and going on 5 yrs of this has really challenged me to maintain my inner peace. Most of the time I would always see that his needs, wants, desired are met, even putting my own aside. I know that I have this tendency and it is something I am really working hard on for my own well being. I know the key is balance. It's almost like dealing with a disruptive child that needs constant discipline, the minute you compromise they leave tire tracks all over you. Again, thanks so much for letting me vent! I feel so much better knowing I can vent and be acceptable. It means the world to me! XXOO! Cricket
Linda, take care of that poison oak. That stuff is vicious! Just thinking about it makes me itch! We've got it all over the place here! There is something you can get at drug store called Ivy dry? I think that's the name! You poor thing! Remember, it is only people who call others crazy that are the crazy ones! I have a huge crazy streak! Love it cause it makes life more interesting! So.....Let's go crazy.....let's get nuts....love that old Prince song! Take care of yourself! XXOO
Cricket. I have the same problem with Dad! It is like they want to suck our entire being up like a huge vacuum cleaner! After he pulled that crap refusing to go to respite I took a big step back for a long time and really distanced myself emotionally. It is so hard cause then I let my guard down and he started getting to me again! Constantly feel guilty because I resent him. The constant shadowing and doing things without a second thought for others! He has always been this way and very passive aggressive with his anger! The only thing I know to do is to distance myself emotionally from him! It has now been 11 years and I am still trying to learn how to cope! Therapy helps, I only wish I could bring my therapist home! The only advice I know to give is to be stearn with him and at times distance from him emotionally! Try as much as possible to get your own needs met before his needs! I need to take my own advice because of late, I have been backsliding! I hope this helps, but again, I think our situations are very much similar. They are mobile, they want every second of our time, and won't allow us any privacy to watch TV, read a book, sit and talk with spouse or children.....Reminds me of that line in Delores Claiborne " sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman has to hold on to" I don't know, maybe between the two of us we can figure something out! I don't like it, but seems there is no middle ground, cause Dad won't do his part to make it happen! Distance boundaries and sticking to them is all I can come up with right now! Know you are not alone! Love you much! Kim
So sorry to hear about Diane's boyfriend! Will go to her wall and write her! what a blow! Thoughts are with her!
cricket- when dad first came here . he is able to do anything . i used to sleep in till late . i often told him make ur own coffee . coffee maker is the same one u had at ur trailer , heres the ground and blah blah . showed him and told him please help urself and make ur self home here . i wake up every morning ., uhhh dad s sitting in recliner lookin piss off , shake his head when he sees me . oh pa ! didnt u make any coffee , no i didnt he said . frowning at me . i realize he is from the old school boy . a woman s job is in the kitchen not his job . my mom would get up and make his bfast every morning before he goes off to work , and supper is on the table when he comes home from work . its funny cuz i dont even do that for my hubby , he dont eat bfast and when he gets home from work its too damn early for supper . anyway way , womans job never ends , it just keeps a going . yep we are the maid , slavery and maybe a bitch too if i wake up on the other side of bed . dad has his ways set and from the old school . he will not cook etc . when he lived in fla my step mom was in a nursing home . dad goes out to eat bfast lunch and supper . he doesnt cook . slave away my dear friend . wooo hooo . remmy to do it at ur own pace , i aint fixing bfast at no 530 in am . i fix bfast when i wake up . ill fix lunch when he cries . ill fix supper when it is suppertime , yep im his maid , but im also his best friend . i do anything to keep my pa warm and safe . yes do walk away when u need ur space . everybody needs thier space ...... love ya cricket xoxoxo
cricket - "I realize he uses this martyr-like attitude as a form of manipulation."
That sentence alone says it all. With some of our elders, nothing we do is ever enough - and by seeking to please and responding to the manipulation - we provide 'positive reinforcement' of their demanding behavior - thus spurring it on! ARRRGGHHH!!!!!
But yet - to shut them off emotionally, to not respond - to go about our tasks in a cool, detached, robotic manner would be cruel - well it would be cruel if we did it regularly.
There were times when it was all i could do to just 'go through the motions' as my mom used to say. On those days I would get my Moms attention and announce that I was ill or in pain or sad or whatever and that she needed to understand that because of this - she would not have my full and undivided and complete all-encompassing attention that day. Period. Wasn't going to happen.
Now of course Mom didn't understand my words - but she seemed sometimes to understand my tone. And it made me feel better to 'excuse' my non-Mother Teresa like behavior every once in a while.
Cricket - All I can say is just keep venting. I had the same experience with my dad and came to the understanding that in his mind I too was his mother, maid, nurse, wife, best friend, chauffeur and always his daughter - the only one in his life who would listen when he became so frustrated with not being able to do the things he wanted, with not being the 60 year old he thought of himself stuck in an old broken down 86 year old body. I know how hard it is to cope, to maintain patience, to not want to just walk away from it all. Friends would say he took it out on me because he felt closest to me, because he could trust me. Didn't make it any easier to deal with. Just know that he doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't want to be dependent on other people, least of all you. He's simply displaying his frustration with the situation and trying to maintain control of the one thing he still has - you. And you're right - it will get worse as his dementia worsens. Dad could not see his situation anymore and would get so angry with me having caregivers or someone here anytime I wasn't at home but there was no way to get him to understand how unsafe it was for him to be alone. The dementia takes that objectiveness away from them. So yes I would walk away into the other room, I would talk to the dog, I would have a glass of wine, I would pray to God for patience. Did any or all of those help? I can't say for sure but it gave me the time I needed to remember why I was doing this - because I loved him and I wouldn't walk away from him anymore than I would my child when I felt at my whit's end. The thing that helped the most was everyone here, people who truly understood - didn't judge, didn't lecture, didn't say it won't be long, didn't roll their eyes because they had heard it so many times before, didn't say why don't you just put him in a nursing home. Just hang in there and keep venting. We're all here for you. Hugs ~ Kuli
Diane poor girl she has having such a difficult period. Diane if you read, we are very close to you! Linda I hope your itching goes away very soon. I hope my dad and Nicky are together; I dreamt of them actually, and they were together in a big beaufiful house full of plants and so much light. Barb (siblings) I relate. Ditto. Cricket, if I were in your situation I would try to understand what your father can do and what he cannot really do. If he cannot do something, help him; if he CAN do something, let him do it by himself!!!! After waiting for 2 hours that you do that particular thing for him, he will do it himself! I think you had better not to spoil him too much. See you later
Hi all, I am behind on keeping up with the posts a couple of days but I will catch up.
I need to vent right now in the worse way so if you can't handle it please skip my post.
I am so frustrated with this self-absorbed father of mine. It’s so unfair what they do to us. So many times I feel taken advantage of by my father. I think it’s our natural good kind nature that he exploits in me. He wants to put his own responsibility for his well being and happiness on me; It’s so wrong.
My Father is still very capable of doing many things for himself but he just doesn’t want to do them because he is lazy. It’s all getting to me pretty bad this past week. It’s like all I want is to have calm quiet peacefulness and my father is absorbed with internal havoc and unrest because he chooses to do nothing about his wants and needs. He takes all his self frustration and unfilled needs and constantly shoots arrows at me and expects me to fix it all for him. I just wish that he would take responsibility to meet his own needs. Instead he places more and more demands on me. Instead when I am just to overloaded he goes off and has a self-pity party. I realize he uses this martyr-like attitude as a form of manipulation. It's so hard for me because I am naturally so inclined to help people who are really down but in his case if I help him when he does this to manipulate me I am just giving him more power over me. I've really looked into adult day care centers around me and concluded that the people in them are far worse than my father and it wouldn't be good for him. The only time he wants to get out and go anywhere is based on my total participation. Basically he has the attitude that he will go do something he likes but he is more like the observer of the event, while I am the participant and it's his event. Does that make any sense? I feel like my father doesn't want a daughter but a Mother, Maid, Nurse, Wife, Best Friend and Chauffeur and he won't let up on me unless I am all these things for him exclusively! With his age, dementia and other illnesses I realistically know this whole situation is going to escalate. I really don't know how I am going to handle it. On an emotional level I want to completely shut him out, I am not coping very well at all right now and could really use some suggestions on how to respond to his emotional demands. Thanks for letting me vent. I really need you all and appreciate every one of you...my soul family. Cricket
I've sent Diane a hug. Sigh . . . I hope her fella makes a full and speedy recovery.
I must have written 2 dozen 'letters' to my brothers telling them to go to hell - none mailed. As writing here is therapy (group therapy) so is telling them off - but one must be careful what they put in writing. Better to blast them in person or on the phone so there will not be a written record - depending on what you are going to say. And when in doubt keep your mouth compltely shut.
When I was an Investigator for the Public Defender - and when I was a cop - I was dumbfounded by the number of people who incriminated themselves. MOST did. The smart ones (and they were in a infinitesimally small, teeny tiny minority) didn't say a word to anyone about anything. Everybody else let their heart rule their heads. Bad idea.
I am now enduring crap from my brothers who don't feel there are sufficient monies left from Moms estate. And one of them - the one who hijacked Moms funeral - had the nerve to wonder 'what dad would say'. I KNOW what dad would say.
He'd say shame on you both for disrespecting your mother - not going to see her, not phoning her - not in any way acknowledging she was your Mom - for the last 6 yrs of her life. And now that she's gone you want to bully your sister because you feel you DESERVE something more than what there is? Actually I think dad would use much stronger language, and then perhaps turn his back on them - just as they did to me and to Mom.
austin , - yes am thinking about getting the shots . for now i am puttin cream on it if doesnt go away then i will go crying to my new doc :-) .... got pa out of bed and he s happy camper seeing sasuage n gravy and sunny side up eggs in his plate . coffee and choc milk . ate happy camper . he is feelin lit better . he tld me earlier i havent seen johnny for few days , i said oh realy i havent either maybe u ll see him today ? he said yeah maybe .. i love you johnny i miss you terribley , he s been gone 4 yrs . :-( . xoxo
Oh, Linda...poison ivy. That's awful! Feel better soon! Rosella, I think you're okay girl! Flex, oh gosh. You and your boyfriend are in my thoughts and prayers. Carolyn
attention plz . just heard that flex s boyfriend had a heart attack and he is not doing good . prayers for him plzzz . and prayers for flex too . i know shes falling apart .. man . we shall cherrish our life every day . ANNT - we are takin the same meds . i looked atthe fine print yep it is the same as what im takin and i am so sorry it is nothelping you at all which it helps me . u are in deed in a bad shape and u shall get plenty of rest my dear friend . ur mother is tearing you up i know she doesnt mean to , stop givin her the pain pill u shall start takin it urself ! tramadol i used to be on it and dont care for it it doesnt realy help me . vicodine does help better than tramadol . some people cant take those but boy im glad i can . rossella ! i heard on the news last night that greece and rome is in trouble with money . i thought oh no wonder ! now that sucks ! theyre were talking that soon the whole world will be infected with it too . damn it all ! yes in deed ur daddy was watching over you . so was ur lit dog . theyre together now and watching over you and ur mom . big hugs xoxo i have posion oak growing onmy neck and behind my ears and neck . i think i shall go get shots and get rid of it before thanksgiving pops in . dont wanna be itchy itchy while serving turkey , ham ... looks like somebody whip my neck with a whip . blisters are forming ! waaaaaaaaa . prayers for flex !! love ya all xoxox
Rossella, thanks for sharing! Definitely not crazy! I have had many experiences in which I think my Mom has intervened on my behalf. It is hard to explain, but we just know it when it happens! At times when I really feel down, I can feel my Mom around. She was so funny and we both had a quirky sense of humor! We could laugh together for hours! Sometimes especially when I am really down, I will just suddenly lighten up and start laughing! Just like I would feel when we were together physically. I think they are watching for us as much as possible! I am so happy your Dad was watching over you! It is something you just know, kind of like an instinct! Much love being sent your way! XXOO Kim
Well Kim - in short - after the death of my dog, people here on the site, and my friends and some of my cousins tried to help me. Everyone tried his way. The only ones who were completely absent and cold and indifferent were my brother, my SIL and my nephews. They didn't give a damn about my dog and about me. I would have liked one of these 3 reactions: "I am very sorry for you" "I am very sorry for your dog, you are completely stupid" "Are you sure you haven't made it on purpose?" Anyone of these comments would have shown a degree of interest. But nothing happened, it is like I broke an egg, or poured some milk, for what they care. I was so incredibly sad and angry for this indifference by their side that I had decided to cancel all their family from my life for good and I was going to write a letter to my brother telling him that his family was crap and they had to stay away from my life (they could see my mother of course, but with me it was over). And when I had decided to write that letter, the following morning this shit of the taxes happened. And I had to bend my pride and ask my brother for help (I am lucky I talked to my SIL which is anyway the most human in their family). I think my father, who had always kept the family united when he was alive, has seen the "ALARM" from upthere and has prevented me from doing something that maybe one day I would have regretted. When I thought that maybe my father has acted this way (he could have chosen a better way, but its intentions were good) in my head a light bulb lit and I thought "This is the right answer". I think my father has saved what remains of my family once more. Maybe I am crazy.
Rossella, please tell the story! Would love to hear it! Yes it is amazing how fast our parents can get into major trouble in a matter of a few minutes or even seconds! XXOO
Kim, my Goodness! Your father tries to be useful... And my mother too has the ability of doing things like this just the 3 minutes nobody is watching her. Ann: I am so sorry for your pain. YOu definitely have to do something for your back, independently on your mother. Those things don't go better with time. I think you have to solve the problem somehow. Lilli and Barb: it was very sad that day when I realized I could not talk to my mother anymore as I used to do. It happened not more than one year, one year and a half ago. Before, I insisted in talking to her as if nothing had changed. It was more painful for her and for me. We communicate at another level, now. But the person I live with is my mother 1%.... I think I had sort of a message from my father these last days, that he is protecting us and I have to go on like this. If you wish, I can tell you all the story. Linda, my mother didn't pay taxes at all until 2 years ago. The fact that she gets a disability check has made her "jump" in a cathegory of people who pay taxes (because she earns too much money now!) In short she pays taxes because she is disabled (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) You all know the economic situation in Italy. The government is drawing directly blood from us. We are anxiously awaiting these hours that our premier gives his resignation, but even if he goes away, the things won't improve because the crisis is too deep... My work is going very badly because the movie production companies are entrusting the translation and dubbing to people who are ready to work for half of the price. And we, the "veterans" of this job are not ready to earn even less than we earn, which is already very little... You know this kind of things. I shall have to look for another job. Jen I am not in a black hole, but in a hell hole, like you. Let's try to survive once more!
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cricket vent here all the time that is what it is here for, keeps us from ending up ad the liquor store at 4 am in PJ's and miss matched shoes...without socks....
FINALLY got Monty to vet, ear infection medicated and cleaned, have meds for it, so broke now it is beyond in the hole it tore the hole out and removed the liner and bored into the side of the...you get the idea..what ever, HE has assets period!
Use them! I am MAKING Christmas gifts, but unlike deef and some others here I am not gifted with my hands so they are a bit wonky, but well meant...Ah ha! Just figured something out, pimples out of no where...duh just got period at Walmart (what fun), it is zit period as opposed to cramps from hell period or messy lay in bed grousing period...At least there is variety if nothing else...
Got the usual "Good Morning Jenny..." Gave the usual "mroningrpa" back almost instantly, follow it with "when your dead..." practically audible!whatever. harry Potter comes out on DVD Thursday, i hope i am allowed to get it, but now i just don't know, He gets magazines and cd's and cookies and ice cream and rolls (Mr. Don't eat white bread it's bad for you") what ever he wants to eat. I wear ripped bras ( so does mom now) and I am scared to take too large a portion of food lest I get The Look! You know I can't win...If I take more than mom feels is acceptable I get sneered at, if I don't "eat up the left overs" I get crabbed at...Hmm...I wouldn't really want to be in a homeless shelter in the lower states but it'd be warmer than here.......
Boundaries...I have had his piss splash up on my lips...beh. when does this end really?...grouse grouse vent vent....
I finally read everyone's posts from the last couple of days and caught up.
Christina I want a big bowl of that soup! I am a soup girl and love homemade soups. It's all about filling hunger and comfort. The only kind of soup I haven't tried yet is the raw room temperature kind, I just don't like soup if it's not pretty warm.
Does anyone have a favorite homemade stuffing recipe that is a family favorite? With Thanksgiving coming up, how about posting it? Even though I stay away from foods with sugar and bread in them I allow myself to indulge a little at Thanksgiving. I could skip the turkey, cranberries, and just go for the stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. Hmm that says a lot about my cravings category, LOL
Love you all!
Cricket
you know this is a place to vent and scream and cry and be a schitzoofranic . lalala . we still love all of us sista s ...
trire track , mmm i feel that way toward my daughter , need to know what shes doing and where is she etc , i just want her to stay home with me cuz i love her so much and wants to be with her . i slam on my brakes and say uhhh she needs to fly out of the nest let her enjoy begin on her own cuz someday ill be her shadow oh hee hawwwwwwww.... isnt life great !
now whats for supper ? xoxo
Cricket. I have the same problem with Dad! It is like they want to suck our entire being up like a huge vacuum cleaner! After he pulled that crap refusing to go to respite I took a big step back for a long time and really distanced myself emotionally. It is so hard cause then I let my guard down and he started getting to me again! Constantly feel guilty because I resent him. The constant shadowing and doing things without a second thought for others! He has always been this way and very passive aggressive with his anger! The only thing I know to do is to distance myself emotionally from him! It has now been 11 years and I am still trying to learn how to cope! Therapy helps, I only wish I could bring my therapist home! The only advice I know to give is to be stearn with him and at times distance from him emotionally! Try as much as possible to get your own needs met before his needs! I need to take my own advice because of late, I have been backsliding! I hope this helps, but again, I think our situations are very much similar. They are mobile, they want every second of our time, and won't allow us any privacy to watch TV, read a book, sit and talk with spouse or children.....Reminds me of that line in Delores Claiborne " sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman has to hold on to" I don't know, maybe between the two of us we can figure something out! I don't like it, but seems there is no middle ground, cause Dad won't do his part to make it happen! Distance boundaries and sticking to them is all I can come up with right now! Know you are not alone! Love you much! Kim
So sorry to hear about Diane's boyfriend! Will go to her wall and write her! what a blow! Thoughts are with her!
Love all of you! XXOO
i wake up every morning ., uhhh dad s sitting in recliner lookin piss off , shake his head when he sees me . oh pa ! didnt u make any coffee , no i didnt he said . frowning at me . i realize he is from the old school boy . a woman s job is in the kitchen not his job .
my mom would get up and make his bfast every morning before he goes off to work , and supper is on the table when he comes home from work . its funny cuz i dont even do that for my hubby , he dont eat bfast and when he gets home from work its too damn early for supper .
anyway way , womans job never ends , it just keeps a going . yep we are the maid , slavery and maybe a bitch too if i wake up on the other side of bed . dad has his ways set and from the old school . he will not cook etc . when he lived in fla my step mom was in a nursing home . dad goes out to eat bfast lunch and supper . he doesnt cook .
slave away my dear friend . wooo hooo . remmy to do it at ur own pace , i aint fixing bfast at no 530 in am . i fix bfast when i wake up . ill fix lunch when he cries . ill fix supper when it is suppertime , yep im his maid , but im also his best friend . i do anything to keep my pa warm and safe .
yes do walk away when u need ur space . everybody needs thier space ...... love ya cricket xoxoxo
That sentence alone says it all. With some of our elders, nothing we do is ever enough - and by seeking to please and responding to the manipulation - we provide 'positive reinforcement' of their demanding behavior - thus spurring it on! ARRRGGHHH!!!!!
But yet - to shut them off emotionally, to not respond - to go about our tasks in a cool, detached, robotic manner would be cruel - well it would be cruel if we did it regularly.
There were times when it was all i could do to just 'go through the motions' as my mom used to say. On those days I would get my Moms attention and announce that I was ill or in pain or sad or whatever and that she needed to understand that because of this - she would not have my full and undivided and complete all-encompassing attention that day. Period. Wasn't going to happen.
Now of course Mom didn't understand my words - but she seemed sometimes to understand my tone. And it made me feel better to 'excuse' my non-Mother Teresa like behavior every once in a while.
Linda I hope your itching goes away very soon. I hope my dad and Nicky are together; I dreamt of them actually, and they were together in a big beaufiful house full of plants and so much light.
Barb (siblings) I relate. Ditto.
Cricket, if I were in your situation I would try to understand what your father can do and what he cannot really do. If he cannot do something, help him; if he CAN do something, let him do it by himself!!!! After waiting for 2 hours that you do that particular thing for him, he will do it himself! I think you had better not to spoil him too much.
See you later
I need to vent right now in the worse way so if you can't handle it please skip my post.
I am so frustrated with this self-absorbed father of mine. It’s so unfair what they do to us. So many times I feel taken advantage of by my father. I think it’s our natural good kind nature that he exploits in me. He wants to put his own responsibility for his well being and happiness on me; It’s so wrong.
My Father is still very capable of doing many things for himself but he just doesn’t want to do them because he is lazy. It’s all getting to me pretty bad this past week. It’s like all I want is to have calm quiet peacefulness and my father is absorbed with internal havoc and unrest because he chooses to do nothing about his wants and needs. He takes all his self frustration and unfilled needs and constantly shoots arrows at me and expects me to fix it all for him. I just wish that he would take responsibility to meet his own needs. Instead he places more and more demands on me. Instead when I am just to overloaded he goes off and has a self-pity party. I realize he uses this martyr-like attitude as a form of manipulation. It's so hard for me because I am naturally so inclined to help people who are really down but in his case if I help him when he does this to manipulate me I am just giving him more power over me. I've really looked into adult day care centers around me and concluded that the people in them are far worse than my father and it wouldn't be good for him. The only time he wants to get out and go anywhere is based on my total participation. Basically he has the attitude that he will go do something he likes but he is more like the observer of the event, while I am the participant and it's his event. Does that make any sense? I feel like my father doesn't want a daughter but a Mother, Maid, Nurse, Wife, Best Friend and Chauffeur and he won't let up on me unless I am all these things for him exclusively! With his age, dementia and other illnesses I realistically know this whole situation is going to escalate. I really don't know how I am going to handle it. On an emotional level I want to completely shut him out, I am not coping very well at all right now and could really use some suggestions on how to respond to his emotional demands. Thanks for letting me vent. I really need you all and appreciate every one of you...my soul family. Cricket
I must have written 2 dozen 'letters' to my brothers telling them to go to hell - none mailed. As writing here is therapy (group therapy) so is telling them off - but one must be careful what they put in writing. Better to blast them in person or on the phone so there will not be a written record - depending on what you are going to say. And when in doubt keep your mouth compltely shut.
When I was an Investigator for the Public Defender - and when I was a cop - I was dumbfounded by the number of people who incriminated themselves. MOST did. The smart ones (and they were in a infinitesimally small, teeny tiny minority) didn't say a word to anyone about anything. Everybody else let their heart rule their heads. Bad idea.
I am now enduring crap from my brothers who don't feel there are sufficient monies left from Moms estate. And one of them - the one who hijacked Moms funeral - had the nerve to wonder 'what dad would say'. I KNOW what dad would say.
He'd say shame on you both for disrespecting your mother - not going to see her, not phoning her - not in any way acknowledging she was your Mom - for the last 6 yrs of her life. And now that she's gone you want to bully your sister because you feel you DESERVE something more than what there is? Actually I think dad would use much stronger language, and then perhaps turn his back on them - just as they did to me and to Mom.
got pa out of bed and he s happy camper seeing sasuage n gravy and sunny side up eggs in his plate . coffee and choc milk . ate happy camper . he is feelin lit better . he tld me earlier i havent seen johnny for few days , i said oh realy i havent either maybe u ll see him today ? he said yeah maybe .. i love you johnny i miss you terribley , he s been gone 4 yrs . :-( .
xoxo
miz
Rosella, I think you're okay girl!
Flex, oh gosh. You and your boyfriend are in my thoughts and prayers.
Carolyn
heehe haw weeeeeeeee ioe ,.
man . we shall cherrish our life every day .
ANNT - we are takin the same meds . i looked atthe fine print yep it is the same as what im takin and i am so sorry it is nothelping you at all which it helps me . u are in deed in a bad shape and u shall get plenty of rest my dear friend . ur mother is tearing you up i know she doesnt mean to , stop givin her the pain pill u shall start takin it urself ! tramadol i used to be on it and dont care for it it doesnt realy help me . vicodine does help better than tramadol . some people cant take those but boy im glad i can .
rossella ! i heard on the news last night that greece and rome is in trouble with money . i thought oh no wonder ! now that sucks ! theyre were talking that soon the whole world will be infected with it too . damn it all ! yes in deed ur daddy was watching over you . so was ur lit dog . theyre together now and watching over you and ur mom . big hugs xoxo
i have posion oak growing onmy neck and behind my ears and neck . i think i shall go get shots and get rid of it before thanksgiving pops in . dont wanna be itchy itchy while serving turkey , ham ... looks like somebody whip my neck with a whip . blisters are forming ! waaaaaaaaa .
prayers for flex !! love ya all xoxox
Ann: I am so sorry for your pain. YOu definitely have to do something for your back, independently on your mother. Those things don't go better with time. I think you have to solve the problem somehow.
Lilli and Barb: it was very sad that day when I realized I could not talk to my mother anymore as I used to do. It happened not more than one year, one year and a half ago. Before, I insisted in talking to her as if nothing had changed. It was more painful for her and for me. We communicate at another level, now. But the person I live with is my mother 1%.... I think I had sort of a message from my father these last days, that he is protecting us and I have to go on like this. If you wish, I can tell you all the story.
Linda, my mother didn't pay taxes at all until 2 years ago. The fact that she gets a disability check has made her "jump" in a cathegory of people who pay taxes (because she earns too much money now!) In short she pays taxes because she is disabled (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) You all know the economic situation in Italy. The government is drawing directly blood from us. We are anxiously awaiting these hours that our premier gives his resignation, but even if he goes away, the things won't improve because the crisis is too deep...
My work is going very badly because the movie production companies are entrusting the translation and dubbing to people who are ready to work for half of the price. And we, the "veterans" of this job are not ready to earn even less than we earn, which is already very little... You know this kind of things. I shall have to look for another job.
Jen I am not in a black hole, but in a hell hole, like you. Let's try to survive once more!