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Or ask them to let you buy it and they seller finance it at a low interest rate since you are their sister. Let daughter live there and make the payments til you need it yourself. Will your other children want it and will that come between your kids? Can you get at least one of your siblings on your side in this? If you grovel, they will feel powerful and probably not be moved to help you out because they're so full of their own power over you. This comes from my experience with my daughter in laws. Make it strictly business. But first wait til they make the first move by answering your email. You've asked them so the ball is in their court right now. Shoot, maybe they will go for it without a fuss.
flex, is your mom on anti-psychotic meds?? I can't remember. They worked well for my mom when she started hallucinating. They sedated her a bit but it was worth it. There were warnings not to give them to people with dementia but her doc was aware of that and just said to report any problems to him.
Well the saga continues. It seems mom thinks we have someone else living with us and this woman has been saying terrible things to mom and upsetting her. God, not only do I have to battle with the real morons of my family I now have to battle the imaginary ones! I am so freakin worn out from all this crap! To top it off, guess who is going on a one week vacation? The f'in SIL and brother! I'm sorry I am whining.
Barb, is the house in all siblings names? If you don't sign they cannot sell can they? If you were to explain everything your daughter and you have done for mom and suggest that letting your daughter and you buy the house at 2/3s of $40 or $50K would be the best and most honorable thing for them to do( afterall you are family and should not be expected to pay market value for you own mother's home) and you know that they want to show you how much they appreciate what you and she did for mom(when they were not able to take on the responsibility) and this would be a wonderful way for them to show that..... what do you think they would do? Maybe by giving them a chance to show good faith, even tho they never have in the past, will shame them into signing it over. If that doesn't work, can your daughter rent it with the option to buy? If all else fails refuse to sign off on selling it at all and tell them that you'll let it sit there and rot before you sell it if they just won't do the right thing. Would any of the above work?
linda - my eldest is 12 yrs older than my middle and 14 yrs older than my youngest. She had a whole 'nother life with Mom before my younger girls came along. Mom adored Bianca - Bianca and she were as close as two people could be - and she was the only grandchild Mom had any real contact with. Mom told me when i was pregnant with my two younger girls that she wanted nothing to do with them - and she had nothing to do with them - not so much as a birthday remembrance or Christmas gift. When they stepped in to help it was for me they did it - not for their grandma.
The will is share and share alike. So if they don't agree to let her have the house- which is only there to have BECAUSE she stepped in to keep her granndma out of the nursing home - then I have no recourse.
msm . - i understand that ure wanting the deed to go to ur daughter . what about ur other daughters ? is it fair to them . what do they get ? i would say just take the house for u and ur hubby so u ll have no housepayment , when ure old and gray the house can go toward to all ur girls , i would not even bother telling ur brother anything since he s been mia for so long , wha t does he care ,, does ur mom have a will and whatever it is said in it shall be done . anymore now the houses cost so much money , 100 thousand for a dump and bad neighborhood , yep . outrages , i hope and pray that you ll get back on ur feet soon . xoxo
Sorry things getting so complicated and messy for everyone, just same old BS here nothing new to add to fortunately. Hope things look up for everyone. Hi from Spokane...Jen
Msm, I would probably swallow my pride and tell them. You took care of your mother and that is a real financial killer. Believe me, I know. You need a place to live and to continue on with your life and build your finances back up. If your brothers have any hearts at all they will do what you ask. I know it's tough but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Hubby and I had to take all of our inheritance from Mom (not from the sale of her house) and buy a house that is very small and not in the best neighborhood. If Mom had had her way we would be living in her house but that's not how it ended up. We will get some money from the sale of Mom's house but not that much. There is so much to recover from after taking care of an elderly loved one. You need that house, sweetie. I say go for it.
My brothers have not responded to my email and spreadsheet sent to them Sunday in which I told them how much money they would receive and asked them again if they would deed my eldest the house.
Meantime, I had my dear darling SIL get a ballpark estimate on the selling price of Moms house from a friend of his that is a realtor and who has been to Moms house. He puts it at 90K, which is WAY too high by about half in my estimation - but Ft Benning has had an influx of thousands due to base consolidation and this is jacking up prices. Moms house at 90K is a ridiculous figure otherwise. Truly. And it is so upsetting because if they do force us to buy out the house it would be a lot more doable to somehow come up with 2/3 of 50K than 2/3 of 90K.
Brothers do not know of our dire economic situation. they do not know we have very little money coming in from the business, that we have -0- insurance, that we have been unemployed more than a year, that we have already missed a mortgage payment, that our credit score has dropped from excellent to barely average (my husband does not know this). If Bianca had the house, we would at least have a place to live, and that has been our fall back plan.
So the question is - do I tell them? Do I send a follow up email and tell them we need the house to live in or risk homelessness? I don't really want to do this - as it will hurt even more to have this ignored, or not believed, and I'm trying to retain some dignity here. But if I thought it might sway them, and result in the house going to Bianca - I would swallow my pride and take the hit.
diane - Mom hallucinated a man living in her bathroom - in all 3 diferent bathrooms she had when living with us - whom occassionally triedf to kill her, always in the wee hours of the morning - and I'd wake to screams of "MURDER! MURDER! OHHHHHHH!!!! HELP!!!!!!!" These occassions were by far the hardest, as nothing I could day or do could calm her. But I was constantly assuring her that family were the only people here, and this would work eventually a long as her halluciantion was not activcely seeking to take her life. . . Moms anxiety had reached such a fever pitch when I called hospice in - they prescribed Seroquil, and this did more to alleviate her anxiety than anything she had taken previously.
Thanks guys for all your imput. I have decided not to answer her email. I'll pretend I didn't see it or thought it was an old one and these little chats are going to end. You're right she is up to something or wants something. I think it's the house. She told one of my brothers once that the house should be signed over to them since they were taking care of mom but she was worried that I would be the one to refuse to sign. She got that right!!! My other two brothers agree with me. That house will always be in all our names. I did talk to an attorney about what would happen with the debts and he said since no name was on them except hers and she has absolutely no assests that there is nothing they can do. My social worker is getting in touch with the lawyers and letting them know the condition she is in so I'm hopeful they will stop all the harrassment. If mama dies and they come after me, I will definitely be able to prove that the charges were made before she came to live with me and I will sic them on my stupid brother.
Kim and Diane, mom's dr put her on Macrodantin to prevent UTIs. Is something like that possible for y'all? I never knew how sick a bladder infection could make an elderly person. To us it's just an inconvience and a bother, but to them it's major trouble to their whole being. It upsets everything. I hope everything works out well in y'alls uti dept. Kim, my mom saw a brown dog in the middle of the back yard today. There was nothing there. Not even something that could possibly look like a dog. She kept looking out the window waiting for him to move.
Diane, you need the respite. She'll get over it. Probably 5mins after you leave. Don't worry about her, right now worry about you.
Hey Linda. How's Pa? Thanks for the advice. I always value the advice I get from you all. And the support feels wonderful. If my brother and sil read that article I've written they jig will be up anyway. They're going to be furious because I mentioned the "deplorable situation she was in that fostered the decline of her health". Oh yeah they gonna have a hemorrage over that. Lol!!!
Kim, hope you get your dad to the doctor tomorrow. Tell him you're taking him to get laid since it's been so long and when you get there just say I meant laid out on this table so the dr can examine you. Sucker!!!!!!! ha!
Hubby working a few days this week. Yippee!!!! A little extra cash. UPS sent an email saying it will be two more days til the refrigerator part arrives. I guess it will be Monday before we get that fixed. Living out of a cooler is getting old. But I'm happy it's coming.Light at the end of this particular tunnel.
Manipulative or demented BS.....that is the question. Wish I knew the answer. Where is Karnac the Magnificent when you need him? Oh loved the Hee Haw lyricks. Brought back a lot of memories.
And that fart joke had me laughing so hard I suddenly started crying. I mean real crying....go figure. I've been crying at the dumbest things lately. But thanks Cuz.
Love you all and have you all are in my heart. Miz, I didn't mention you by name but thanks for your imput too. You all are wonderful. To the newbies, sorry I haven't gotten your names down pat yet....Dollie? Somebody else, but my mind is somewhere between oatmeal and pudding so forgive me.
Diane, can you just play along with what she us doing right now to calm her down! Tell her you see them too! If it is the dementia, that might help. Tell her she misunderstood about respite! Sometimes we have to lie or play along just to appease them! I might have to resort to that with Dad tomorrow! He is very manipulative, and sometimes I can't tell the BS from the dementia! Try it and see what her reaction is! So so sorry! Hang in there! xxoo
Kim, mom is halucinating people that aren't here and sitting on the front porch crying. Then she got made because she heard me calling about respite care and is calling me a traitor. I guess your dad will call you a kidnapper. I don't know if it was Ann or Barb that made the suggestion to write a letter to you mom, then burn it. I think that would be good therapy for you. Right now I need to figure out what would be good therapy for me. I started to call my brother, then decided that was wasted breath. He would only blame me for upsetting mom. I'm not sure what to do at the moment. Feeling very lost and alone. Thanks for listening.
Diane, bless your heart! Dad is already riled up about going to the doctor tomorrow. I can hear husband talking to him in the other room and Dad saying that it's not right! Guess I will have to prepare for battle! Husband just came in and said Yes he will go! We will see! Hope your Mom will settle down! Taking urine sample is a good idea! I hear you loud and clear! It is awful! Hugs, Kim
Mom is being IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! I am at my wits end on what to do with her. I will get a urine sample tomorrow and take it to the doctor. The only other time she has been this impossible was the result of a uti.
Ann, I think I agree with Linda. I would try to leave your Mom out as much as possible, but eventually those debts will come back to bite you in the butt! Hard situation! It is their debt to pay, not yours! The supervised visits that Barb mentioned is a good idea too! I know it tears you up inside and you don't want your Mom to be hurt! Kind of a rock and hard place. I would say very little to them, but watch visits closely! Makes me sick to think they took advantage of her like that! Sometimes silence is golden, because it keeps them wondering! Just don't want their actions to come back and hurt you later? I wonder if there is any kind of mediator that could be a go between for you and them? Sending lots of love and hugs your way! Kim
annt- ur sil is up to no good . she wants something or she knows that theyre going to be in troble and trying to get on ur good side . dont worry about what ur mom is feeling cuz she doesnt have to know about any of it . i would not email her back . but if u do u shall remind her that shes full of shit . anyhow silence is the best treatment of all . i would not email her back . i agree with mariesmom . u have to do the charges while ur mom is still alive . if u wait till shes gone to a better place ure gonna be stuck with all the debts ur bro ran up . screw it ! once a thief will always be a thief , its a shame ! maybe u can email ur sis in law and tell her that u have to sell the house cuz of the cridt card is threaten to sue you and u have to sell the house to pay the debts off . now we ll see where they ll go crawlin at ? theyre nooooo good and no need to drag em back in ur mom s lives . screw em ! they shall be punish . love you all xoxox
And the Hee haw ladies at the clothesline: "We're not the kind to go around spreading rumors, Oh really we're just not the gossipin' kind, You'll never catch one of repeating gossip, So you better be sure to listen close the first time."
Kim - You have to lay this burden of guilt down. Perhaps something symbolic on the anniversary of her death like writing a letter to her with all your feelings of love, regret and sorrow - read it aloud to her - and then burn it. You did nothing wrong. You were your Moms advocate, biggest fan and best friend. How blessed she was to have you as her daughter! And she would never, ever want you to carry this burden. What if the situations had been reversed and it had been your Mom caring for you? Would you blame her for anything - or would you know she did her very best for you? That is all any of us can do. You need to let it go.
annt - thats a tough one. let me see if I understand the situation correctly. You will need to kiss your brother's ass in order not to break your mother's heart . . . both your brother and his wife took tremendous financial advantage of Mom while she was in their care AND were neglectful of her to the point she almost died as a result of the neglect. . . this is what elder abuse is all about, isn't it? Their pics should be in the dictionary when you look up 'elder abuse'.
It seems to me, based on the very little I know of this, that SIL is trying to get back into your good graces with the hope that they will have access to Mom and her funds again. Even throwing in a 'revisionist history' of how they didn't have it as good as you do now with Hospice help - (right). Now you are put in a position of making nice with these immoral people in order to make Mom as happy because she so loves her son. . . puts me in mind of children who are abused by their parents yet who still love their parents beyond all reason.
I don't know. The cop in me says you should speak to the DA about pressing charges and making them responsible for all these misused funds being repaid. Back in the day when i worked the GA trial courts this would have been a theft by conversion charge carrying 1-10 yrs with even more severe penalties if the crime was against an elder and especially a family member.
The daughter/sister in me says I have to do what is best for Mom, and if allowing SUPERVISED visits with her makes Mom happy then thats what you should do.
No easy answers here - but I am relatively sure that if you were going to prosecute, you would have to do so while your Mom is still living. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for all of us who are going through the pain of sorry or distant siblings whose only real interest is monetary gain.
Ann, I agree with Miz. I know this discord in my own family has taken its toll on mom. I also wouldn't respond to the SIL email. You know she is delusional and in denial of the past. I was up a lot with mom last night and feel like I've been run over by a convoy of trucks. The only song I can remember from hee haw is "where where are you tonight. Why did you leave me here all alone. Well I searched the world over and thought I found true love, you met another and (raspberry) you were gone" Amazing, I can remember that and yet I can't remember important stuff.
Ann, this is my take on the situation and it is only my take. I would suggest keeping the peace while your mom is still alive so she can see her son. After all of this is said and done, you can speak your mind until the cows come home and have them arrested, sue them, put them in stockades, whatever. But for now, your mom is the important one. It's not good for her to worry and get upset. I could be wrong here and I hope others respond with their feelings.
Good morning. It's about 9:30 am here. Mom's taking her morning nap so I've got a little time to say hello. Rossella, I'm not being paid for the article. It's one of those tell your story kinda things so I just told about how it is being a caregiver. I concentrated on how it was when mom was at her worse then added an update on how she is now. I wanted to point out how valuable home caregivers are. But also how taken for granted they are. I mentioned how friends often vanish and siblings are for the most part useless at best. Anyway I'm curious to see how badly the editor cut it. I had a bad dream about mama last night. I was tying the bathrobe belt across her to keep her from getting up at night and she went nuts on me. I guess I'm feeling guilty for tying her in bed, but she falls every time she gets up so....oh well.
Kim, your mom was beautiful. I'm sorry your dad won't give you any space. My mom is like that too. I have my laptop in the room with her so she doesn't follow me to the office. When I go in there to use my desk top with the printer, within 5 mins she comes in to see where I am. Sometimes I'm helping my husband with something so it's irritating. I have to stop and walk her back to the den. Even if I tell her where I'm going, she still comes looking. She's constantly asking what she can do to help. I want to say "Good lord mama you can't even stand up by yourself, how can you vacuum or put the dishes in the dishwasher?" But of course I don't.
Ok, here's something I've lost my objectivity with, maybe you guys can give me some words. My brother's wife, the one who neglected and abused my mom before I quit working and took her in with me. The same ones who, even tho they asked to move in with her and told us that they would take care of mom, and lived there rent free, utility free, insurance free..even for their own car, used mom's credit cards to buy groceries and eat out til the cards were chgd up to $40,000 and it took all her income each month plus going $300 a month into her savings just to make minimum payments, then neglected and abused her til she was almost dead.....this woman...I'll just call her that and not what's really in my mind...has been emailing me all chatty. I'm thinking, Mom loves my brother and wants to see him from time to time and he has a bad temper and when he's mad at me won't come see mama and she grieves over it. So ok, yesterday she wrote me and started going on about how hard it was taking care of mom and they weren't lucky enough to have hospice and they never took a dime from mama and paid out of their own pockets to remodel the kitchen and buy a new lawn mower to keep her grass nice and even bought things for her and it's a shame I didn't file bankruptcy for mama since now every one of the credit cards are wanting to sue her. I nearly had a stroke reading this crap! So my first thought was to write back to her to just stop pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining, that's she is full of crap and that I should have had them arrested for mental, physical and financial abuse of my mama! Here's lies the dilemma...do I speak my mind or keep my thoughts to myself and keep them from getting mad and taking it out on mom? She will worry and worry if he doesn't come see her. Hope you all have a nice day today. Gotta go get dressed. Sorry this was all about me me me...... Love you all.
Rossella, I see a psychiatrist every month! I have been seeing him for 11 years now and it does help to be able to talk to him. When I saw him the first time, I had a huge panic attack right there and then! He was able to calm me down within a few minutes. He also prescribes anti-depressant Meds and anti-anxiety Meds for me! I was having a break down at the time and feel he literally saved my life! Hugs, Kim
Hi everybody! Changed my icon to Mom's picture. This was taken a couple of years before she passed. Joan Fleenor June 23,1933-October 5, 2000. My best friend! Love you Mom
Thanks Cricket! I will be ok in a few days! It just all comes back around this time. I will try to post a pic of her tomorrow as a tribute.
Oh personal space! Just we could get some! Dad does the same thing as yours. I try to relax and he is right there! He shadows me too! I will try to clean or do anything and there he is! It has been a little better since the weekend incident, but slowly but surely getting there again. Clothes on or off! Have a good sleep and sweet dreams! Love ya, Kim
Aww Kim, I'm just glad you could vent those feelings about what happened before with your Mom. That Doctor should have been punched in the face to laugh like that! Talk about having the bedside manner of a wet mop!! Don't beat yourself up over what happened. It's obviously not your fault. It's a real shame that when we are at our most vulnerable state of fear like when about to lose a loved one Professionals who should know better act like that. Hugs to you Kim and remember your Mother doesn't want you to be sad. nighty night.
hi all, dang everyone's been chatty tonight. i just read what everyone posted but my attention span is so short right now..... the thoughts that come to my mind are Duct tape is good, very good! Diane... you poor thing..Hugs to you! Welcome goodgirl, I'm glad you joined us and look forward to getting to know you better. Dad follows me everywhere constantly, I couldn't even go into my computer room without him coming in and wanting to demand my attention.. so I had my Hubby remove the chair...dad comes in and says "you need to put a chair in here for me".... no reply from me.... next day Dad comes in and says...I'm going to have to sit on the floor if you don't put a chair in here....i'm silent.. so far he hasn't come in and try to sit on the floor...this might just work. Asking him nicely to give me a little personal space when I come in here didn't work, he would just get mad and storm outta the room, I'm hoping the passive aggressive method will work. LOL OH locking the door didn't work either.... okay so that was my vent. Cuz I loved the jokes, all of them! Bobbie at least you're getting all that guy action, LOL Barb, no more of those nightmares! Ann, thanks for remembering me! Can I just say I'm thinking of you all without typing everyone's names? Well I'm off to bed...nighty night all! Love you! XXXXXOOOOO
Barb, I remember that song! I would have hung it up long ago without humor! I have nightmares too! I had some especially bad ones right after Mom passed! They seem so real! Once right after Mom died, I was taking a nap and I could swear I woke up and saw her coming up the stairs. The door in the bedroom was open and you can see stairs. My doctor told me it was a hypnogogic hallucination. I swear I saw her! I got up ran to the bedroom door and she was gone! Happy for a couple seconds and then she was gone! She comes to me in dreams now and they are for the most part very pleasant. Tomorrow will be her passing date, 11 years ago. Hard day! She was only 67 years old. We were told stomach cancer and surgery would take care if it. They then cancelled the surgery. Never really got straight answers from the specialists! I need straight answers. Her gall bladder needed to be removed too. We had to threaten them with a law suit to remove it! Actual cause of death sepsis from gall bladder! They would not give her any nutrition and gave several different excuses at different times when I would quiz them. Mom told them she wanted to be revived if heart stopped. Doctor called me at home and told me she wanted to be revived, but wouldn't be a good idea. When we got to the hospital Doctor called Dad and I in about DNR. Dad would not say anything! I finally spoke up and said "you aren't doing anything for her anyway, she is starving" so DNR put into place. Doctor laughed and wrote in the chart saying "well as long as there aren't any lawyers in here". Don't know how he could laugh at seeing the emotional pain we were in that day behind closed doors with him. I will carry that guilt for the rest of my life! Mom was vibrant, funny and my best friend! So hard to live with sometimes! That is why I go into the hole every time about this year! So sorry I just dumped this on you, it just came out! Humor still helps me get by! Love to you! Maybe our Mom's are together somewhere having Happy Hour together! xxoo Kim
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The will is share and share alike. So if they don't agree to let her have the house- which is only there to have BECAUSE she stepped in to keep her granndma out of the nursing home - then I have no recourse.
i would not even bother telling ur brother anything since he s been mia for so long , wha t does he care ,, does ur mom have a will and whatever it is said in it shall be done .
anymore now the houses cost so much money , 100 thousand for a dump and bad neighborhood , yep . outrages ,
i hope and pray that you ll get back on ur feet soon . xoxo
love,
miz
My brothers have not responded to my email and spreadsheet sent to them Sunday in which I told them how much money they would receive and asked them again if they would deed my eldest the house.
Meantime, I had my dear darling SIL get a ballpark estimate on the selling price of Moms house from a friend of his that is a realtor and who has been to Moms house. He puts it at 90K, which is WAY too high by about half in my estimation - but Ft Benning has had an influx of thousands due to base consolidation and this is jacking up prices. Moms house at 90K is a ridiculous figure otherwise. Truly. And it is so upsetting because if they do force us to buy out the house it would be a lot more doable to somehow come up with 2/3 of 50K than 2/3 of 90K.
Brothers do not know of our dire economic situation. they do not know we have very little money coming in from the business, that we have -0- insurance, that we have been unemployed more than a year, that we have already missed a mortgage payment, that our credit score has dropped from excellent to barely average (my husband does not know this). If Bianca had the house, we would at least have a place to live, and that has been our fall back plan.
So the question is - do I tell them? Do I send a follow up email and tell them we need the house to live in or risk homelessness? I don't really want to do this - as it will hurt even more to have this ignored, or not believed, and I'm trying to retain some dignity here. But if I thought it might sway them, and result in the house going to Bianca - I would swallow my pride and take the hit.
Kim and Diane, mom's dr put her on Macrodantin to prevent UTIs. Is something like that possible for y'all? I never knew how sick a bladder infection could make an elderly person. To us it's just an inconvience and a bother, but to them it's major trouble to their whole being. It upsets everything. I hope everything works out well in y'alls uti dept.
Kim, my mom saw a brown dog in the middle of the back yard today. There was nothing there. Not even something that could possibly look like a dog. She kept looking out the window waiting for him to move.
Diane, you need the respite. She'll get over it. Probably 5mins after you leave. Don't worry about her, right now worry about you.
Hey Linda. How's Pa? Thanks for the advice. I always value the advice I get from you all. And the support feels wonderful. If my brother and sil read that article I've written they jig will be up anyway. They're going to be furious because I mentioned the "deplorable situation she was in that fostered the decline of her health". Oh yeah they gonna have a hemorrage over that. Lol!!!
Kim, hope you get your dad to the doctor tomorrow. Tell him you're taking him to get laid since it's been so long and when you get there just say I meant laid out on this table so the dr can examine you. Sucker!!!!!!! ha!
Hubby working a few days this week. Yippee!!!! A little extra cash. UPS sent an email saying it will be two more days til the refrigerator part arrives. I guess it will be Monday before we get that fixed. Living out of a cooler is getting old. But I'm happy it's coming.Light at the end of this particular tunnel.
Manipulative or demented BS.....that is the question. Wish I knew the answer. Where is Karnac the Magnificent when you need him? Oh loved the Hee Haw lyricks. Brought back a lot of memories.
And that fart joke had me laughing so hard I suddenly started crying. I mean real crying....go figure. I've been crying at the dumbest things lately. But thanks Cuz.
Love you all and have you all are in my heart. Miz, I didn't mention you by name but thanks for your imput too. You all are wonderful. To the newbies, sorry I haven't gotten your names down pat yet....Dollie? Somebody else, but my mind is somewhere between oatmeal and pudding so forgive me.
TTYL
Ann
dont worry about what ur mom is feeling cuz she doesnt have to know about any of it . i would not email her back . but if u do u shall remind her that shes full of shit . anyhow silence is the best treatment of all . i would not email her back .
i agree with mariesmom . u have to do the charges while ur mom is still alive . if u wait till shes gone to a better place ure gonna be stuck with all the debts ur bro ran up . screw it ! once a thief will always be a thief , its a shame !
maybe u can email ur sis in law and tell her that u have to sell the house cuz of the cridt card is threaten to sue you and u have to sell the house to pay the debts off . now we ll see where they ll go crawlin at ? theyre nooooo good and no need to drag em back in ur mom s lives . screw em ! they shall be punish .
love you all xoxox
"We're not the kind to go around spreading rumors,
Oh really we're just not the gossipin' kind,
You'll never catch one of repeating gossip,
So you better be sure to listen close the first time."
annt - thats a tough one. let me see if I understand the situation correctly. You will need to kiss your brother's ass in order not to break your mother's heart . . . both your brother and his wife took tremendous financial advantage of Mom while she was in their care AND were neglectful of her to the point she almost died as a result of the neglect. . . this is what elder abuse is all about, isn't it? Their pics should be in the dictionary when you look up 'elder abuse'.
It seems to me, based on the very little I know of this, that SIL is trying to get back into your good graces with the hope that they will have access to Mom and her funds again. Even throwing in a 'revisionist history' of how they didn't have it as good as you do now with Hospice help - (right). Now you are put in a position of making nice with these immoral people in order to make Mom as happy because she so loves her son. . . puts me in mind of children who are abused by their parents yet who still love their parents beyond all reason.
I don't know. The cop in me says you should speak to the DA about pressing charges and making them responsible for all these misused funds being repaid. Back in the day when i worked the GA trial courts this would have been a theft by conversion charge carrying 1-10 yrs with even more severe penalties if the crime was against an elder and especially a family member.
The daughter/sister in me says I have to do what is best for Mom, and if allowing SUPERVISED visits with her makes Mom happy then thats what you should do.
No easy answers here - but I am relatively sure that if you were going to prosecute, you would have to do so while your Mom is still living. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for all of us who are going through the pain of sorry or distant siblings whose only real interest is monetary gain.
I was up a lot with mom last night and feel like I've been run over by a convoy of trucks.
The only song I can remember from hee haw is "where where are you tonight. Why did you leave me here all alone. Well I searched the world over and thought I found true love, you met another and (raspberry) you were gone"
Amazing, I can remember that and yet I can't remember important stuff.
Have a good day my dear friends.
Diane
love,
miz
Rossella, I'm not being paid for the article. It's one of those tell your story kinda things so I just told about how it is being a caregiver. I concentrated on how it was when mom was at her worse then added an update on how she is now. I wanted to point out how valuable home caregivers are. But also how taken for granted they are. I mentioned how friends often vanish and siblings are for the most part useless at best. Anyway I'm curious to see how badly the editor cut it.
I had a bad dream about mama last night. I was tying the bathrobe belt across her to keep her from getting up at night and she went nuts on me. I guess I'm feeling guilty for tying her in bed, but she falls every time she gets up so....oh well.
Kim, your mom was beautiful. I'm sorry your dad won't give you any space. My mom is like that too. I have my laptop in the room with her so she doesn't follow me to the office. When I go in there to use my desk top with the printer, within 5 mins she comes in to see where I am. Sometimes I'm helping my husband with something so it's irritating. I have to stop and walk her back to the den. Even if I tell her where I'm going, she still comes looking. She's constantly asking what she can do to help. I want to say "Good lord mama you can't even stand up by yourself, how can you vacuum or put the dishes in the dishwasher?" But of course I don't.
Ok, here's something I've lost my objectivity with, maybe you guys can give me some words. My brother's wife, the one who neglected and abused my mom before I quit working and took her in with me. The same ones who, even tho they asked to move in with her and told us that they would take care of mom, and lived there rent free, utility free, insurance free..even for their own car, used mom's credit cards to buy groceries and eat out til the cards were chgd up to $40,000 and it took all her income each month plus going $300 a month into her savings just to make minimum payments, then neglected and abused her til she was almost dead.....this woman...I'll just call her that and not what's really in my mind...has been emailing me all chatty. I'm thinking, Mom loves my brother and wants to see him from time to time and he has a bad temper and when he's mad at me won't come see mama and she grieves over it. So ok, yesterday she wrote me and started going on about how hard it was taking care of mom and they weren't lucky enough to have hospice and they never took a dime from mama and paid out of their own pockets to remodel the kitchen and buy a new lawn mower to keep her grass nice and even bought things for her and it's a shame I didn't file bankruptcy for mama since now every one of the credit cards are wanting to sue her. I nearly had a stroke reading this crap! So my first thought was to write back to her to just stop pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining, that's she is full of crap and that I should have had them arrested for mental, physical and financial abuse of my mama! Here's lies the dilemma...do I speak my mind or keep my thoughts to myself and keep them from getting mad and taking it out on mom? She will worry and worry if he doesn't come see her.
Hope you all have a nice day today. Gotta go get dressed. Sorry this was all about me me me......
Love you all.
Oh personal space! Just we could get some! Dad does the same thing as yours. I try to relax and he is right there! He shadows me too! I will try to clean or do anything and there he is! It has been a little better since the weekend incident, but slowly but surely getting there again. Clothes on or off! Have a good sleep and sweet dreams! Love ya, Kim
Dad follows me everywhere constantly, I couldn't even go into my computer room without him coming in and wanting to demand my attention.. so I had my Hubby remove the chair...dad comes in and says "you need to put a chair in here for me".... no reply from me.... next day Dad comes in and says...I'm going to have to sit on the floor if you don't put a chair in here....i'm silent.. so far he hasn't come in and try to sit on the floor...this might just work. Asking him nicely to give me a little personal space when I come in here didn't work, he would just get mad and storm outta the room, I'm hoping the passive aggressive method will work. LOL OH locking the door didn't work either.... okay so that was my vent.
Cuz I loved the jokes, all of them! Bobbie at least you're getting all that guy action, LOL Barb, no more of those nightmares! Ann, thanks for remembering me! Can I just say I'm thinking of you all without typing everyone's names? Well I'm off to bed...nighty night all! Love you! XXXXXOOOOO