We are 4 siblings, I am the younger child, 12-15 years junior to siblings. Mom gave birth to me in her late 40s, so when I was 30 she was 70. Dad died when I was in my early 20s, and since then, I've been caring for mom. My 3 siblings were older, and received a large financial amount from dad, for their studies. None of them studied, and there is no proof that they ever took the money.
When dad died, I was studying abroad (working student, no money left from dad to me).
On top of mourning and supporting my own survival, I received mom's letters, accusing my sister of giving her sleeping pills so that mom sleeps most of the day. The letters got more persistent. My 2 brothers were always independent, party lovers, selfish, so they never cared or contributed in any way.
In my mid 20s I gave up my managerial job and studies in an advanced economy, and returned to a smaller country, average economy where nepotism was the norm at work. Without a relative or connections you were doomed to fail in life. But I did fine, with very, very hard work.
My mother CHOSE me to live with her, be with her, have holidays, entertainment and every part of my life WITH her.
At the same time, siblings took from her what they wanted. Some times they would take her to an Attorney's office to sign property and inheritance contracts. Others would borrow money due to their unemployment or business didasters. And mom would always give, without a receipt or proof. Without telling me either.
She would not tell me anything about her income, or siblings'pressure.
So I was committed to her, while she was not committed to me.
At the age of 40 I met the man of my life. He transformed my life and asked me to marry him and relocate 10000 miles away. I did, yet every month I'd send money to mom, to make sure she'd live with dignity, and spoil herself with things she likes.
She did not want to relocate with me for the first years.
Then I found out that she has been sending my money to my sibling and his kids. He was never there for my mom.
One day the fire department and police called me overseas to tell me my mom's apartment was burnt and she was in the hospital. All 3 Siblings were in town at the time, but none of them visited or took her to their homes. I had to travel 10,000 miles to do what they did not do, at the detriment of my immigration documents.
I still sent her monthly allowance.Then one day she slipped and fell and went to hospital. My sister emailed me that she could not contribute at all, but could only visit. The 2 brothers did NOT even CALL mom for months.
I sent out the money for surgery, 2 nurses a day, and all expenses. My sister told our relatives that all the money came from HER. Should I sent out to them the receipts and sister's emails? My dignity back then said no... Then my mom called me crying, accusing my sister of stealing all her savings, i.e. the money I ve been sending to mom.
Over time, couple of relatives and my siblings got bored of visiting mom at home. So they emailed me "What are you going to do about YOUR Mother?" It feels so unfair and lonely, to be CHOSEN for duty with no appreciation. But I am strong and will not break down.
It took months and resources to hire immigration lawyers for mom to relocate where I am.
She is with me almost 2 years now, yet siblings won't ever call mom. I must remind them to email her for Xmas, Birthdays etc. Their one liner emails twice a year is all they can do.
Their business goes well, they enjoy life, while I keep mom at home, clean the diapers, and take care of her. My right leg has issues due to lifting her, and I am exhausted. But will do my duty till the end, while only God, mom and my husband are by my side.
Mom feels hurt and betrayed by her other 3 kids. She does not want to talk to them, and curses them. I am stuck in the middle.
I dread the day she will die, as I have paid a fortune for mom, yet siblings want the property divided by 4. Dont know how to prepare for the future.
Any advise?
If she wants her estate divided by four, you can't be surprised, as she's behaved that way her whole life. She's taken money you gave her and gave it to your siblings. She has behaved consistently through your entire life. I'm not saying it's fair, but she hasn't changed. You've just got different expectations than her (if she wants her property to go to all of her children). Find out what mom wants and get that on paper.
What's her property worth? How much money are we talking about?
Mom's remaining property is peanuts compared to the original 5 appartments and 12 large farming/parts of land that th ey inherited. They got their share when dad died and now fight to split my remaining share in 4. See, when dad died i was about 20 years old, and they made sure I dont get it as i was too young. Now i have deeds that they can dispute cause they are 3 and i am alone. I have tons of letters and contracts to prove the status, but with a good lawyer they can do anything they want. Meanwhile, I am stuck with bills and daily care, and mom has nowhere to go. She says she has Promised to stay with me forever, no matter what (!)
I have reached a point where property is not my concern any more. It is the family behavior that I dislike.
It all started when i underwent 2 surgeries as an infant. Siblings complained that my mom ignored them to treat me. So they got themselves a great excuse to justify their lack of action and affection.
I recommend a consult with an elder-care lawyer. You seem OK with ending up with less than nothing after Mom passes. But you owe it to yourself to get a legal P.O.V. If nothing else, you and the lawyer need to explore how much more the sibs can ravage you (and your husband) after Mom’s death.
Please learn the ins and outs of legally and logistically Protecting Youself while Mom is still alive. The sooner the better.
You also need a therapist. This is non-negotiable. It’s time to learn how assign your husband the importance that you have assigned to your mother. Hubby chose YOU, not her. Hubby married YOU, not her.
There is no way your husband is as OK with this circus as you think he is. No one is that much of a saint. You need professional guidance to make your marriage your #1 priority — and that’s OK.
Don’t let your pride get in the way. Get the help that you need. Do the work that you need to do. Before you end up with nothing in more ways than you imagined.
Give yourself permission to make an investment in YOUR life. This means all things NOT Mom.
It’s awesome that you are strong and refuse to let your dreadful sibs and toxic mother break you. The jeopardy is that you pour massive personal resources into your disrespectful bio family — including emotionally protecting youself from these vampires.
This leaves you without “enough in the tank” for hubby. Good intentions will not suffice. Hubby deserves a whole wife, not a distracted and depleted wife.
It will take some reprogramming for you to repair this lopsidedness. A therapist will be invaluable. Start looking for one today.
You deserve a more satisfying lot in life. With professional guidance and personal action (and some initial discomfort!), you’ll get there. Big hugs!
I am very sorry to hear about everything you have been through.
I think Blackhole has given the best advice. I would strongly suggested talking to a lawyer and get all the paperwork in order to protect your mom and yourself.
Time to take the blinders off of you and the excuses away from mom.
Let her pay for her own care.
Why would you say you are stuck in the middle?
Unless it’s the middle of the bulls eye or the target where your mom and siblings have placed you to take advantage of.
Get that therapist and lawyer as soon as possible.