How do I get him to go to memory care, if he keeps fighting me?

When a person has dementia they lose the ability to reason and make sound decisions. He will likely never agree to memory care, his automatic response to many things that involve change is likely just “no” Please don’t discuss it with him again as he cannot process the information. He chose you as POA to make good decisions for him, this is that time. Pick out the memory care place you find best and rely on the staff there to guide you on the best way to make the move happen. They are experienced in this and know how to handle it well.

You get clever and use a "therapeutic fib" to get him there.

Like Daughterof1930 recommended, stop talking to him at all about "memory care". You pick out a place (and make sure it accepts Medicaid!). You discuss the transition day with the admins and staff so that they know you are getting him in there using a fib (they will be happy to play along, it's not their first rodeo). Then you tell him you're both going to stay at a temporary apartment because the current residence is having "work done" (so, water is off, electrical is off, etc) or there's a problem (gas leak, black mold, bug infestation). Whatever narative you think he'll buy. Then pack a bag for each of you and help him get settled into his new room. Then go home and have a cocktail and don't respond to any of his calls for a few days -- give him time to settle in.

If he isn't currently on meds for anxiety and agitation (if he's having these problems) then now -- before he moves -- is the time to get him started on these so that he won't be overly anxious unnecessarily.

I wish you much success in getting him into MC!

You find a memory care, that you think is best, then you talk to the office and they will help you figure out what's the best way to go about it. But drop all subjects of memory care to your husband.

So sorry I'm sure this is very hard

i would have the facility take over for you in executing it. they can just say we are going for a walk today and move their room. is it in the same facility?

You are jow the decision maker. You make the plans and you take him there. You do not need to discuss this with him. He has no idea what is good or bad for him. Just do it.

Make it all about DOWNSIZING. You can't take care of a big house anymore, it's too expensive, so time to face reality and begin the "downsizing." Talk about how much easier it will be for you both!

I'd even tell him you dropped the idea of "Memory Care" and decided you'd both do this "together." It will happen in 2 phases, he gets settled in first while you make sure everything runs smoothly with the home, and will follow.

I agree with dropping the discussions. Does he have a friend who is willing to go along with the fib of having a lunch out together ? Then after lunch when you get to MC the staff can help get him out of the car if needed.
Only you will know the best way, depending on how your husband is.

As a last resort , The other thing you could do is call your County Agency of Aging and see if they would be willing to come out and bring your husband to MC, This is what I had to do to get my mother out of the house. They coordinated with the facility on date and time.

Does this person get agitated? Do they take falls? Do they have bed sores? Do they make threats? Get paranoid? Throw things? Have a catheter or chronic UTI? Get an infection that could turn into sepsis? Do they wander? Do they drive into things? Do they refuse all self care including toileting, bathing, medicating, eating, swallowing, dental care, transferring, dressing? Does anyone exploit them?

If yes then take them to the ER or ask their doctor for a Geri Psych Evaluation. If no might have to wait for the "INCIDENT". Very few beds available so prepare to sell harder than getting into Harvard University. Just a bit of showboating will get this person a free pass as they have to discharge another case to make a bed available. They might taunt in the car on the way back and say "Ha Ha I get to go home."

Treat this person like the reverse child to toddler to newborn baby. If a child needed a hospitalization how would it need to happen? Ask oneself do I want to enable this person's disease? I fired myself from enabling a very long time ago as it did not do anyone any good.

From there they will need to discharge, and the overloaded medical community will do anything to get this person to leave in order to empty the bed for the next dementia case. From there push back on the discharge tell them they have to go to memory care, "home" does not work for them.

Just remember sepsis from an infection a terrible way to pass. A cracked hip a terrible way to live. Skin organ failure from an infected bed sore not fun. Also look at the right to rot laws per state RCW. Right to rot laws mean as long as the person does the bare minimum of self care if they want to destroy their body from self neglect they have the right to do so.

Then an ambulance or car will transport them to the memory care. Sometimes if the person late stage enough or close enough to the end of life, they will say the person has to go on hospice to discharge to memory care, and that may get coordinated upon their arrival. Make sure to get it in writing from the MC that when the money gone, they have to put this person on Medicaid. Make sure to get it in writing that if they become violent, they have to keep them there.

Other than tricking this person into thinking everyone will go on a fun family vacay at memory care to get them there, I don't know what else to do. The person described disoriented to person, place or time, and they will act like that alone at home or in memory care.

Good luck and I hope this gets resolved. My late stage dementia dad has put me in the position of waiting for the phone to ring where I live in fear for the "INCIDENT" that will get him to the next level. At that point I will decide who and what will make decisions for him. My understanding stage 6 and 7 combined may drag out for a decade, so I practice alot of self care. I use APS to report any homeless people that try to exploit him, and I use Vulnerable Adult protection orders and the court system to deal with it.

As a result, I prepare for my old age and have written my advanced directives or will for my loved ones to carry out in the final stages of whatever disease takes me out. I have found loved ones much more likely to fight for me ifI provided care to them as children, and especially if money involved, and I want my loved ones to live their lives in peace if I ever get to this point. I work in eldercare, will tell you Mom represents love, Dad represents how to pay for that love or care. Love and money. Mom and Dad. Won't have one without the other.