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I visit my elderly parents and am left with lingering thoughts about how to age gracefully and is such a thing even possible? If so, what are the elements of it? How do you set yourself up for aging well?
Frequently after visiting my parents I am left with an emotional hangover and ruminations of how I can avoid the state they are now in. They used to be quite social and vibrant without any indication their life would take this turn. Their house is a mess inside and out. Mom has moderate dementia and mobility issues and refuses physical therapy so is getting weaker by the day. They refuse a regular cleaning service, refuse in-home care assistance, never follow up on meal services offered at the local senior center, they are both losing weight and do not seem to bathe regularly. Of the two of them, mom has the most health issues and dad seems to be going down with her ship. I talk to them about activities at the senior center, walking outside, or any self-care activity and they just look at me with blank stares. They just watch television and sit on the sofa all day. Ugh - is this the destiny for all of us?

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No, this is not the destiny for all of us.

I believe that staying active, even when it becomes a huge challenge, caring about others and accepting outside help, is key to not going down this road.

I have a 91 year old friend that makes a point, no matter how she feels, to get outside daily. She keeps a calendar and goes out whenever she is invited.

When I take her out shopping and for lunch, it is an all day affair. I am tired when I drop her off. I am also lifted up, because she sees everyone and everything with love and appreciation. Our days are always filled with laughter and fun.

I strive to be like her.

She has a hard time finding words, on occasion, and she acknowledges that her memory has started slipping. She, also, asks for help when she needs it. Nothing big, so far, and she is willing to be wherever she needs to be. She tells me she can't do what she use to but, she does what she loves, she complements every person she interacts with, she tries to be a bright spot in others lives and she is. That is what I see as growing old with grace.
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I think we are who we are pretty much throughout our entire lives. My parents aged very gracefully. I try. My partner and I are 80 and 82.
I will say that we are lucky in our health (so far, but knowing EVENTUALLY things will come) and being healthy and active and independent and mentally OK (or no worse than we ever were) makes for a happier life.
I think we don't require a lot of our children. They range from 52 to 60. They have their own lives. We enjoy the places our lives join and other than that we keep busy with our own hobbies. My guy loves archery, walks. I like walking. We both foster dogs, baby sit for dogs. I garden, he putters.
I would say we are who we always were.
As with many elders we wish for the sudden bolt of lightening out of the blue and we are GONE. That's magical thinking but would benefit both us and our kids.
So answer is, I don't know. I think we are pretty much who we are. I think perhaps some of our more frustrating traits get magnified with age, exacerbated if you will.
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I agree with the active part. We did BK every Friday since my youngest was small. Morphed into taking the grandson, then Mom after Dad died. We had two couples that joined us every week. Mom would sit with the older couple and us with the younger couple. It was our social hour and we all loved it. Then Mom ended up in AL. Wife died of the older couple and the husband died of the younger. Wasn't the same anymore. They changed the location of the BK. New staff and very modern looking. We go occasionally but not the same.
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I was upset when my MIL chose to move 900 miles away when she had a 4 yr granddaughter. (She had 2 other GC living 12 hrs away) For me, it was probably a good thing because she had a personality disorder I had a hard time dealing with. My DH married in his early 30s (me) and she was used to having him do things for her. To the point one day when she called to ask my DH to do something for her, my FIL called back and said he was perfectly able to do it for her. He passed 3 years aft moving. I am very sure if they had stayed here, once FIL was gone, my DH would have gotten many calls to help her. She was 71 when FIL passed and she passed at 92. I really think she did as well as she did because she had to do for herself. She had good neighbors but I don't think she took advantage of them. I would say she aged gracefully. She ended up willing herself to die because she was not going to be able to stay in her home after a hospital stay.
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I think you put a plan in place so that you aren't waiting for some kind of sign that you're "ready" for all those things about your parents that you find so annoying. So for example at 75ish you might consider whether it's time to downsize into a smaller, more supportive seniors community - I've picked that age because I figure I will still be flexible enough mentally and physically to make a move. If your evaluation results in keeping your present home you begin paying for things like a monthly cleaner and yard help (even if you think you can manage fine without) because once you really do need it there is already an established pattern.
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I worry about the same thing. I'd like to be better than my parents but maybe as you get very old and your friends are dead or dying, you just start living your life in a little room with a t.v. and a comfortable chair. I agree that how you lived your life is how you age. I plan to start seeing a mental therapist soon and I think I'll work on this.
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I think the word 'gracefully' flies out the window when a dementia diagnosis is made, as is the case with your mother. Moderate dementia strips a person of who they once were entirely, leaving a shell of a person left, who's unable to do what she once was, and who is now obstinate and refusing help with what she may not realize she needs help WITH. She may not even realize she has dementia, which is another issue in and of itself.

For your father, he may not know WHAT to do. And he may be going down the same road as your mother; has he been evaluated for cognizance issues himself?

I watched my own mother struggle with dementia for 6+ years and wouldn't wish that condition on my worst enemy. I think once dementia sets in, it's easy for us daughters to advise our parents about what they 'should' be doing, but another thing for them to WANT to, or be ABLE to, take our suggestions. Their lives feel like total chaos, I'm sure, and they're floundering around trying to figure out how to even function. That's why I had my mother in Memory Care, b/c as her dementia progressed, I could see that she was unable to make even the SMALLEST decision about the slightest little thing. That's what happens when dementia sets in: everything becomes overwhelming so nothing gets accomplished.

While I highly doubt this is 'the destiny for all of us', I certainly pray daily it isn't.
What we can do now is make arrangements for our senior care and management later on down the road and hope for the best.
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Some things we cannot help, but we can change the things we can. For example, my mother drank a lot and ate a lot of junk food most of her life. Guess what? In her 70's now, she's paying for it with diabetes, kidney disease, fatty liver, and a bunch of other things. My dad smoked and has COPD. He was also financially irresponsible and is living with the consequences of those poor choices as well.

My brother and I have watched all of this unfold and both of us have made different decisions in our lives on how NOT to be. Of course we have our own faults and like I said earlier, some things we won't be able to prevent, but we can do our best to try to do better!
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Alva - as to your "...As with many elders we wish for the sudden bolt of lightening out of the blue and we are GONE..." You got me thinking that that sounds pretty darn perfect. So, when I'm ready to go, I'm going to take one of my golf clubs for a nice long walk along the beach during a thunderstorm.

As to aging gracefully, keeping engaged mentally and physically are key. Rituals are important and, sadly, many people lack those. Finding joy and contentment in simple things. Looking forward to big things such as travel or a vacation. And having enough money doesn't hurt one bit!
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My 80 plus YO aunt sold her big house last year and moved into a condo in an older care community. She got bored because she could clean it in a few hours,, so,, she is now going to the Senior center and takingTai Chi, and other classes. She just went to visit the ARK encounter with a friend (scared me to death as they drove themselves,, but her kids were OK with it and they did fine) She has 2 cats she loves, and keeps on going! She helps with cleaning her church. I hope to be doing this well at her age! My mom liked to sit in the rec room watching TV or going to the casino when we took her. They used to talk about moving in together in a condo,, I think my Aunt is doing more than she would have with my Mom.
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My aging is full of potholes and definitely not graceful. But I'm alive and I enjoy many things and many people. I'm an insulin-dependent diabetic, multiple cardiac surgeries and on renal dialysis. I had a bad fall and I'm now in a wheelchair. I look at dialysis as a blessing. Right now it's keeping me alive, but if everything gets to be too much, I can stop the dialysis and will die within 10 days so. Right now there are many things that keep me happy, but later on, who knows? I do live with the knowledge that I won't have to suffer in pain.
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I think if dementia is not in the picture, if you plan well financially, and family dynamics are strong and not toxic, the chances of aging gracefully are greatly enhanced. I totally agree with Alva that "we are who we are pretty much throughout our entire lives." One of my grandmothers was a nurse, and remarked once to me that "old age is the same only more so." (This was in the context her younger siser who she was caring for when both were in their 90s.) This same grandmother also remarked, when she was turning 95 and people were making a big deal about it, "I don't know what all the fuss is about. 95 is just a ridiculously big number. I don't feel any different inside than I ever did." But I would add that the examples of aging we experienced when we were younger also play a big role. My parents and grandparents placed a great value on not being dependent on their children and on remaining active and productive as long as they could. I will say, however, that my mother had to assume increasing caregiver responsibilities for her mother who lived to be 102--and remained at home with 24 hour caregivers paid by NY State Medicaid back in the 1980s. She only started needing the caregivers after she had a second hip replacement surgery when she was I think 96!

We decided to take out LTC insurance for my husband when he was around 60, figuring that we could afford it for one person but not both of us, and that our assets would have to cover me if I eventually need LTC. Right now we're using the insurance for him to have home health aides several days a week, but if he needed to go into a facility I think he'd be covered for about 3 years without us having to tap into our assets. We also downsized and moved 5 years ago into a condo, in another city closer to several of our daughters. There's a lot more planning I'd like to do, but we do have our wills, POA, etc. in order for now but will revisit if/when situations change.

This is a great question and I'm enjoying reading the responses.
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Becky, I would say that you are a picture of graceful aging.

You are not demanding that one of your progeny forsake their own lives to prop you up.

You go to rehab and the SNF/NH when your medical conditions have required it.

You are active and involved with living life.

We hit potholes and bumps in life, no matter our age, it is how we deal with them that makes the difference.
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🏌️🌩️😲
NYDiL, what a shocking plan! 😂

Very classy actually! I like.


There was a previous Australian Prime Minister that took some strong pain relief (for a shoulder injury) then swam out to sea.. just went out for a swim in his favorite but known dangerously wild surf beach. Never seen again.
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Wow, so many great replies. Thank you everyone.

I do believe anyone can get overwhelmed and just making it through the day with basic needs met can be deemed a success.

How you handle the overwhelm I think is also key. Whether you stay in that mode, or look up to seek relief and having ability to switch to another mode I think is also key. I think it must be mixed in with your own personal "baseline" or temperament. I really like the comments about still being who you are as you get older, perhaps just more so. I think that is very revealing about my parents situation, and at the same time, makes me feel a bit relieved about my own personal path.
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