Follow
Share

This morning, my husband tells me that I have become too negative and I am always complaining. Well, I am the only caregiver for my mother with dementia, my brothers don't get involved and my husband won't do anything either. I am expected to care for Mom, him, the pets, all the household work, and still manage to work a job as much as I can with a chronic back issues. I am in pain all the time. Certain things aggravate my back to where I am almost immobile and wake up feeling like someone hit me in my lower back with a board. I am a prisoner and feel I live my life for everyone else's happiness and expectations other than my own. So, how am I to exude happiness when this is my life? He expects his dinner to be ready when he comes home, God help me if I haven't planned that out or I get a guilt trip.
For the record, he is not Mr. Positive. I can admit, I know that I am not "happy go lucky" anymore, but he does nothing to help make anything easier for me, just added expectations. I feel like everyone's slave.
How do I pretend that I am just fine when I am far from it? I think about dying much of the time because I am so miserable. I have already done the therapy thing for years and it did not help. I have been given every medication you can imagine for depression and they just have bad side effects. I feel like my marriage is taking a bad turn now and feeling even more helpless. Anyone else been through this?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

9 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
Rainey69, you have a lot of your plate, and that is a realllly big plate.

Time to go on strike. If hubby is sitting at the table asking where is dinner, put a bowl, a box of cereal and milk in front of him. Tell him you are too exhausted to do dinner. He won't be a happy camper, but secretly it will make you feel better. Will he chip in to help in the kitchen, probably not, so now it the time to call Marie Callander and Mrs. Paul to the rescue.

Housework, that always been a thorn in my side as sig other isn't much help. Spoiled by his own Mom. He has learned to vacuum ever since I bought one of those vacuums where you can see the stuff in a see-through canister... he will brag about how much is in the canister. Oh joy.

Laundry, do you do hubby's laundry? Would it be safe for him to do his own? I got my sig other to use the washer and dryer. It was trial and error at the beginning but he got the hang of it.

Other housework, just put it off if you can. I have OCD so it was hard at first, so now I just don't care if it gets done of not. No one comes over to the house, so no one will see it. Or hire a cleaning crew. I wished I did but it was the principle that there was another grown intelligent human in the house that could help me, but was the master of excuses.

Order groceries on-line. That's been a lifesaver for me. I can do the ordering while on a break at work. Then the next day just roll up to the front of the grocery store and the bags are already :)

How is Mom's dementia? Would it be time to place her in a Memory Care center? Something to think about before you really crash and burn, then what? Yep, Mom would be placed after you are gone.
(1)
Report
Freqflyer,
I must haul my carcass to work now so I will respond later this evening if I have the energy. Just wanted to say thanks for reaching out and helping. I have OCD too so after a few days of not cleaning house, I go nuts! Will give you answers later tonight or tomorrow. Thanks again!
(1)
Report
You may be too exhausted and frustrated to think this though. I wonder how it might work if you can get some respite time and be able to rest. Then, explore what options you have. I'd list your priorities, trying to be realistic with your abilities. If you are so miserable that you are always complaining, it's not healthy and your health is not likely to improve. If you think that venting helps you, I'd try to figure a way to do it away from other people, because it likely makes them feel bad that you are so miserable.  Your husband may not want to sacrifice as much as you do.  

Do you really think it's reasonable for someone in your condition to be doing what you are trying to do? I think sometimes people stretch themselves too thin and then wonder why they are so unhappy. I'd consider ways you might be able to be happier again, whether it's getting more help or relinquishing some of the responsibilities. 
(2)
Report
You and hubs are going out together, tonight, even for fast food?

And wow, did you get dressed up for that!

If you cannot manage that because of pain, I understand.  You may need a housekeeper once a week for awhile.  Do you have a good heating pad?
(0)
Report
I live with a heating pad in my bed and even one on the couch where I relax at night. I just start feeling overwhelmed at times and being told I am being too negative just makes me feel worse. He has plenty of bad days at work and comes home and vents about all that he has dealt with and I always listen and let him get it out and support his feelings. I have always done this with him all these years. I feel the pot is calling the kettle black. No matter what I do, it isn't good enough, it's always what I don't do right. Being a caregiver means I am always barely making it financially and must depend on others to help me get by, I feel obligated to do my part for this. I battle with depression all the time. The more he disapproves, the worse I feel about myself. I am not allowed to rest or take time or I get the dissaproving comments for that too. I have bared my soul to him so all these things have been discussed. Mom is able to function with getting herself dressed, and making simple meals so she is not at the point where she needs constant supervision but with dementia, there will come the day that she will need it. I wonder how my husband will deal with that. We are not wealthy and neither is Mom, I am trying to make sure she does not go broke by hiring outside help or being put in a facility, she is not at that point and she would go broke anyway. Unfortunately, this is the only way to make this possible. Maybe that is why I have a hard time with being little Miss Sunshine because I know I am trapped with the current situation and do the best I can. Went into work today and they knew something was not right with me. They asked what was wrong and I fell apart crying. Thankfully, they sent me home to just relax but how embarrassing to lose it at work because I just couldn't hold it in. I am not a cryer so I always feel embarrassed when I do.
(1)
Report
Rainey,
While I do have a supportive husband who tries to help as much as he is able. He does often accuse me of always being negative now as well since I've begun taking on more care of my parents. They need so much and my husband is used to the same luxuries as yours. I have simply looked at him and said, "Look. If I could be everything for everyone I would, but I can't. You married me. You knew I would have to care for my parents and that you would end up helping me do that. That also means taking care of yourself and our child. If you can't handle that then you need to figure out what you are going to do and let me know because this isn't going to get any better." He then has a choice to buck up, be a man and take care of himself, or he can go. I will figure out how to manage. I've got more on my plate than I can handle and I appreciate his help but there is a point where you have to set boundaries. I mostly cook and clean for my parents so typcially supper is done. But when there is a day that I've not been able to do it because of a migraine or illness of some sort then I just tell him he is gonna have to put his big boy pants on and take care of himself that day and figure it out. Oh and by the way, don't leave a mess either!

Just yesterday I had that issue. We had a busy day Saturday, he and I went to a class which lasted from 9am-230pm and then I had scheduled a trip to an outside city for an oil party(I use Young Living oils for health and wellness) I really wanted to attend. I came home that evening and he and our 11year old had gone to my parents to take them the dinner and visit. Then they came home and just watched tv till I returned around 9pm. The next morning I woke his butt up at 5am before I left for work and told him the dishes needed to be done. He got upset. I reminded him he and our child had been there the entire evening and they did absolutely nothing. It's not fair that ALL the work is left for me to do just because I'm the "woman of the house". They live there too and we are in hard times and it's going to take ALL of us to keep the house even remotely decent. And I reminded him that our child is watching and if he is putting television over taking care of our own home what message is that sending to our child about being an adult. Most of the dishes were done when I returned home that afternoon after work.
Be firm. Set boundaries. Don't budge on those boundaries. You can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of your own body first.
Hugs.
Bea
(1)
Report
Oh! Also, praise him and thank him when he does do some little thing that you see that helps out or he does on his own. He may thrive and do more with that positive attention.
Bea
(1)
Report
It sounds to me like it is way past time for Mom to move to assisted living, and hubby to grow up.

I had the same feelings with my hubby. Finally, I sat him down and said to him...I am going to quit one of my jobs,... you will have to take up the slack.

I cannot do two jobs any more...

So..what will it be? The paying job or the house job? Will you work a second job to make up for the money I will not be bringing in..or will you do at least 50% of the work around the house so that I will remain at the paying job?

House work is a lot of work. I made a list of each bit of it ... day to day schedule...in writing he signed to agree to each part of his 50%. Wow, was he unhappy. He was tired from working and then had half the house work to do. Poor boy, finally knew first hand what I had been going through! When he slacked off...I just didn't do his job....he had no choice to do it or live with the result.   That included cooking all the meals Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. 
I didn't do his laundry...and half of the household laundry.  (I made sure to do my own...didn't want it ruined). 

Things actually did Improve for us after he did the work, but I got a few weeks of the spoilt brat routine first.
(1)
Report
My husband does alot around the house and is an amazing father - but cleaning is not his forte. We have different standards - we divided up the rooms for weekly cleaning - but he let his go until he sees a build up of dust. After wrangling about this every week, i finally hired a weekly cleaning service that does just dusting, vacuuming, and mopping floors - the "weekly cleaning" that we used to bicker over when he didn't do his. It is heaven. When he complains about the $75 per week i ask him if he will consistently clean weekly? and he pipes down. We have had the cleaners for 9 years now. They are a permanent part of our budget.

I have a hard time with these husbands (my BIL is one) who expect the wife, who also works to bring in an income, to do ALL of the housework and child rearing besides. Kick them in the a$$ - they live in the house and contribute to the dirt - they can learn to cook, tidy, and should d*mn well be raising their kids too.
(2)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter