My husband is making things so stressful and I don't get it!

I imagine your husband, though he doesn't really get it himself, is jealous of the time and care you need to give your dad. It's sad and hopefully the situation will improve, but it may not. One or both of you may need to talk this out with a marriage counselor or this could have lasting effects on your marriage. Take care and good luck,
Carol

I so admire you for all you do and the care you give. I hate to sound like, bitter, or anything like that, but I find that the things men say and their dealing with reality are often two different things. It's just my personal feelings, but I find that when I try to "tiptoe" around a grouchy husband or smooth things over, 1; it doesn't even work; he becomes worse. 2; MY resentment builds up and can even make me physically ill trying to balance everything. Your husband is jealous for your time and attention. I would sit him down, put it on the table and discuss what you can do about it; set a date for once a week where you two can be alone & have special time, ask for his input on the care of your father, even give him one of the tasks for your father (but make him think it's his idea & offer). It will make him feel valuable and needed. Sounds like a child? Yeah, well.
Good luck with your life and your family.

I, too, believe your husband is jealous of the time spent on your dad. I believe that having a discussion with him about this is a good idea. I would caution about how to go about that...perhaps begin by saying something like, "I need your help. I feel ...(insert your feelings here-about caring for your dad (this will help keep the focus from becoming a blaming game). No one can argue with your feelings...I'm sure your husband has some as well and it would be a good idea to encourage him to share his feelings as well. Perhaps there are some things that your husband could do with and for your dad which would give you a break as well as rebuild those bonds between them. Your husband could also be feeling afraid...he is facing what could one day happen to him...men have such a difficult time dealing with any illness...their immortality smacks them right in the face. Maybe even a counselor could help if your husband is welling to see one...I think a date night is a great idea too, your relationship with your husband is so important as well. Hang in there...I will be praying for you and your family.

As you have learned, this is a very sensitive subject. It is known fact that men like for you to think that they don't have weaknesses. Let it be known, if they want to accept the fact or not, men are all like "little boys" inside their hearts and heads. Their thinking is all good and well until they feel that they are not "important". You are doing a wonderful job helping your father. Your father was in your life before your husband. This raises another discussion. Some people think that after you get married, you are to put your spouse first in your life. No, God comes first in our life. It is not written in the Bible that a spouse is to abandon your parent. Because I am going through the same issues, what I would like to highly suggest is as follows. Continue helping your father. Give your husband all the TLC that he needs to help him help you. Praise your husband for the good things he does for you and your father. Do ask your husband for his advice. If you need to "pamper" your husband like a little boy to keep him happy, then you need to do it. I know all of this may be "easier to say than it is to do". What is sad is that we "Care Givers" need to keep in our minds is that this is a "temporary situation and it will pass". None of us like to think about being without our parent(s) but this is all God's decision and His will. I do pray for you and wish you the best with your future.
Every day, tell God, your husband, and your father that you love them.

I agree with EvaLynnPearl above... she is a wise woman! We women love to talk about things, but most men cringe inside when they hear the words "we need to talk." Your loving actions towards your husband will say more of what he wants to hear than your words could ever say and you will find, as EvaLynn said above, that if you "give him all the TLC he needs it will help him to help you." Love is the key!

Maybe he is not being resentful....just scared. The reality of the care your dad now needs may be overwhelming for him. It happens to many of us caregivers. We have unrealistic expectations of what the care needed will be and how we will handle it. After the glow of day to day care wears off we are often faced with the harsh reality that care takes time and energy. Maybe he sees how the dynamics of your marriage is changing and that scares him. You only have so much energy- and taking care of dad may be more exhausting on you than you believe. Also, there is now less alone time and freedom for the two of you. The past 4 months has been a transition for all of you- have you discussed what will happen when dad needs more care? Maybe it would be good to speak about an alternate plan for dads care and revisit it monthly. God bless.

I think you should talk to your husband, alot, and get his feelings out. And, ask him what kind of care HE would want if her were old and frail, we are all going to be there someday. The worst thing ever is if your Dad thinks that he is a burden, poor guy, we need to put ourseles in their shoes. Hugs to you and your Dad:)

Counselling. Ideally for both of you together. At least for you, if Hubby won't go.

I am so sorry you are paying the price for your husband's ambivalence about the changes in your home life. Caretaking is a huge adjustment for some people, and there can be a lot of resentment about giving up our "normal" lives. If your husband was responsive to the doctors and therapist before, perhaps scheduling some follow-up appointments to discuss your father's care might be the key to getting him to ask questions and express himself. You said he has been very close to your dad -- perhaps he is grieving the changes he sees in someone he loves and admires.

I know exactly how Asil63 feels. My situation is much the same. My father came to live with us three years ago after my mother died. He is now 92 and extremely frail. He uses a walker but frequently falls down (never breaks anything, just bruises and skin tears). I cannot pick up 165 pounds of dead weight so have to call for help. He requires a lot of care. I have to give him a shower, clean everything up when he messes or wets himself and the bed and take him to all of his doctor appointments, etc. My husband works and now his 86 year old mother is having health issues and is currently in a nursing home. His family thinks it is his responsibility to take care of her. My two sisters live far away and offer no help. My oldest sister tells everyone I took her father away from her and is very resentful of the fact he is living with me even though she works and wouldn't be able to stay home with him. Besides, he chose to come live with me, I didn't force him. It is a very stressful time because my father cannot be left alone so my husband and I never have a chance to go out together. (I'm looking for "sitters" who could come stay with him for a couple hours.) We live in a very small, rural community so a lot of conveniences are not available. I cry a lot and pray a lot. That seems to help. My husband and
I do talk and agree that we won't let all of this affect our marriage but it is very difficult. Everyone I talk to says that unless you have been a caregiver and been through it, you can't comprehend what it's really like. I agree!!!!

why not have help come in since your husband is jealous. its like two women can not live in the same house with a man around. Now it is the same for men. two men cannot live in the same house together.Think about it people. you and hubby need to bring in some help. its going to get worst not better if your dad lives long. sorry,

Thank you everyone for the comments, suggestions and prayers. I offer all you my prayers as well. We all need them.
RustyH20 I can relate to you so much! My life sounds just like yours. I cannot leave my dad alone for more than 5 minutes than it's to only go outside. I have a large blended family 0f 9 kids. I can not get them to call or visit my dad, never mind sit with him so I can have a date night!! The farthest away is 20 miles! . I have given up because it shatters my heart and it's no longer worth my tears and pain. My dad has always been there for each one of them. He is kind, giving and so lovable and he does not deserve their neglect but there is nothing I can do. I have tried letters, chats and calls.. I'm done with them, they have their reasons or should I say excesses, but that's all it is.. His "wife" is no better, maybe visits once every 2 weeks if he's lucky and never calls! she's too busy shopping or visiting other people.. It breaks his heart....
To top it off prior to the stroke I "had" to work.. Our finances are so out of control with me not working. We don't have any credit cards to hold us over nor do I want any. This weekend we are having a yard sale and selling what ever we can live without.. microwave, chairs, movies and so on... Even if we do well it won't last long! I need to work! Right now I'm in the process to see if he is eligible for adult daycare so I can go back to work.
I finally got his "wife" to pay me a $100.00 a month which just started BUT that may buy me a gas tank full of gas! If I had money I'd hire a lawyer. All she wants to do is put in a home, so she feels if I didn't have him he could go there! While in rehab he gave her power of attorney! It's so crazy... WOW his wife just showed up! got to go deal with her! Thanks again everyone!

This sounds like something that's all-too-familiar in oh, so many families: Something sounds wonderful in theory, but in practice? Ooph.

Believe me: I'm not poking fun or taking your issue lightly. I'm currently care-taking for my 85-year-old, Stage IV COPD father. When he and I used to chat on the phone about the day I would put my belongings into storage and move into his Saundominium*, it all sounded like it was going to be super-amazing, all seashells and balloons.

But put into practice (the two of us living under one very small roof), things aren't what we thought. Hindsight's 20/20, right? When we're younger people, having a sleepover, gaining a new roommate are usually pretty seamless things. But when you grow older, develop routines, etc., and your balance is upset it can really resonate and grow to the point of resentment or even blowouts.

I suggest that you do as you've done here, on this website: write things out, except address your concerns to your husband. In a diplomatic and reasonable, explain to him your confusion and explain what the very real deal is: that your father absolutely your attention and that your father never intended or wanted to be a wedge in the relationship you have with your husband.

I think your husband's been jolted by the reality of the situation. Perhaps in your letter, you can explain it's okay to be unsettled being around a stroke-victim. What's not okay is allowing emotions to manifest themselves in counter-productive ways. I've asked this of my own father in my letter to him, maybe you should do the same with your husband: "In every situation, no matter how big or how trivial the situation may seem, internally I ask myself, 'How can I make this better or keep it as is or not make it worse? Does complaining make things better, or does it only amplify the situation in a negative way?'"

Remind your husband that you are ALL adults, fully capable of handling this situation. Everyone's time is finite, limited to maybe seven, eight decades if we're lucky. Why not try to make things better rather than worse while we have the chance?

*Saundominium is a play on "sauna" and "condominium." My father's always ALWAYS cold. His two-story condo is 82 degrees on the first floor and about ten degrees higher upstairs. I used to complain and flip out and argue that it's in his head. Then the 44-year-old version of myself realized, "Wow, that poor old guy really is cold." I noticed one day last month (June) as I was changing his bedding, that he not only had his electric blanket turned to Eight but he also had a small heating pad in the mix as well. So, I went out and bought him the same type of gear that professional skiers wear; the high-tech hundreds-of-dollars shirts that are designed to keep people warm and pull away the perspiration. He refuses to wear them, so I just grin, sweat, and bear it as best I can because I know his time's limited and to sit around metaphorically stewing is counter-productive and negative. I mean, there are people who have it a lot worse, who are wondering where their next meal's coming from.

Finally, if your husband continues to be difficult for Difficult's sake, if he's so uncomfortable with the dynamic, ask him to rent a small apartment for the time you have left with your father. It's not fair that one person makes two people feel anxious and uneasy; that's dictatorial, mean, even cruel. Ask your husband, "If you had a stroke, wouldn't you want the same care I'm giving my father? Or would you rather sit in your soiled pants?" I have a buddy who's 47. He just got out of the hospital after suffering a stroke. Strokes ain't just for the old folks. Your father's had one. He needs your assistance. Your husband at one time vowed something along the lines " ... for better and for worse ..." did he not?

There. I'm done venting. (But because I cranked out the above paragraphs, I won't take it out on my father or my own living situation. It's a win-win.)

I agree and thats the way I try to live.. I have always been called the peace keeper. I can always put myself in the others shoes and feel a bit of what they are feeling.. Some days are tough and other aren't too bad.. I treasure the good days! Life is too short.. I'm going to be 49 in August and when I'm ask my age I always say 37 and have to correct myself. Time flies... Thank you for sharing.. I appreciate the input.. May you future get brighter and less stressful..... Hugs to you.. Your doing something very positive.. Your dad is lucky to have you!

Asil63, I think we have a lot in common, only I'm 70 and have a few health issues of my own. I had extensive foot surgery on January 4th and my dad went into the hospital on January 5th with an infected gallbladder. For the next four months I used a knee walker, crutches and wore a "boot" but didn't miss a
day of either visiting him (at first in a hospital 70 miles away) or taking care of him. My sister flew in from California for four days and kept telling me how much it was costing her! Her idea of "helping" is to sit next to him and hold his hand; she even does that when she comes to Georgia for his birthday and to "give me a break". I am not complaining about being a caregiver, I feel blessed that I am able to take care of my father the best way I can. I would just like an "atta girl, you're doing a great job" sometimes. I love my husband and my father and don't want to neglect either one of them. It helps to vent once in a while. Asil63, we should keep in touch somehow!

I agree Rusty! People who "rarely" visit my dad stay for No more than hour ever! One sister comes once a month and thinks she's a saint... I'll never understand.

I'm so sorry about your foot! I hope the recovery is speedy! Too funny though July 17th I'm going to a foot surgeon to get a 2nd opinion!! I have tons of pain on top of my foot and big toe. Hard to walk some days.. My doctor thinks it's high arches.. I looked that up not pretty!
Do you happen to have a Facebook account? we could become friends there.

Yes, Asil63, I do have a Facebook account. Unfortunately so do my sisters and since they are part of my problem I wouldn't want them to see me vent my frustrations! Good luck on your foot surgery. I had a broken bone that wasn't healing and a fallen arch. The surgeon said my foot was a mess once he got inside. It was cut open from toe to ankle and he put in plates and screws and bone marrow from my hip. Also made an incision in the back of my calf to lengthen the tendon. My foot is still swollen but getting easier to walk. It's been a long process but, hopefully, worth it! I could barely walk before and was afraid I was going to end up in a wheelchair - all because I was taking Actonel! So, hang in there and know things will get better. I never did have the "excruciating" pain the nurse said I would have. Naturally there was some pain and discomfort but an ice bag was wrapped around it for the first two weeks and that helped. Keep your chin up and do what the surgeon says! Keep me posted on what they say and if you schedule surgery. Where do you live? I'm in Georgia.

HE MAY BE FEELING REMORSEFUL ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE HIM IN...ALTHOUGH IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO MORALLY, SOME MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO SHARE THEIR HOME WITH ANOTHER MALE, FAMILY OR NOT...YOU MAY NEED TO OPEN UP COMMUNICATION WITH HIM TO FIND OUT WHY HE IS FEELING THIS WAY AND MAYBE GET SOME COUNSELING TO DEAL WITH THE CHANGE

RustyH20,
When you wrote," I cry a lot and pray a lot," that touched me. It shows how sensitive you are and how close you are to breaking. You are a saint to take your father into your home with all his health issues, but you must take care of yourself, too. If you collapse, your father will have no one and your husband will be alone.
I have serious issues with my mother in terms of her verbal abuse of me and other issues, but, so far, she's not physically as disabled as your father. You're a strong woman to manage all the care of your 92 year old dad, virtually, by yourself.
I can relate to your family dysfunction with your siblings. I have a brother and sister who do nothing for my mother, yet, they resent me and make my life harder, ironically.
I can't imagine trying to deal with my mom and a husband. You're doing the right thing communicating your frustrations to your husband, however.
I would definitely try to find a "sitter" for your father so that you and your husband can have, at least, one night out together a week. You certainly need a break from the demands of your father and to save your marriage you need to make sure you have time to socialize with your husband. Make those nights out with your husband a "no dad time," meaning you don't discuss your father at all. Good luck!

Thank you, MarciWriter, for your kind words. Sorry to hear about the verbal abuse from your mother. My mother always pitted each one of us girls against each other and that is probably why there is a sense of "sibling rivalry" between us now. She never particularly liked me because I was my daddy's little girl and the only redhead. I always said she knew what buttons to push because she installed them all! My sisters are turning her into a saint since she died and cry over how much they miss her even though they never had a good thing to say about her when she was alive. I have come to realize that we all make mistakes and I don't know what kind of parent I would have been at her age. I have forgiven her for a lot of the things she said and did to me and I wish I could tell her now that I understand her a little better after living with my father for three years. We never had a close relationship but she was my mother and I spent a lot of my life trying to win her love and support. She was not a happy woman and never realized how much my dad loved her and was jealous of anyone else's happiness. They were married 72 years and she was the love of his life and he only looks forward to the day he can see her again. The saddest thing to me is that once my dad is gone I doubt I will ever see my sisters again. I am closer to my niece and nephews than I am to them! I have a tremendous amount of faith, my Lord and Savior who loves me unconditionally and my soulmate and love of my life who was sent to me 13 years ago so I think we can make it through these difficult times somewhat unscathed. Four years ago when I fell and broke my shoulder and then two weeks later my appendix burst and I almost died (because an ER doctor misdiagnosed it and sent me home), I realized how fast our lives can change. I don't sweat the small stuff and tell people I love them every day. Being a caregiver is not an easy job but it is a labor of love and I can look back someday with pride that I gave my father the loving care that he deserved. That is something no one can take away from me!