I have not posted in a while except recently because I needed a break. But I've read... Those of you who don't want to take responsibility for your parents, who on earth do you think will do it? Life is hard. It is not about a bunch of FB, Twitter, Instagram likes, shares or retweets. There is hard sh*t you have to do in life. There is. It's messy, it's hard, it's unpleasant. And it is not on your timeline. Life is not choreographed for your feed. Grow up.
If I recall correctly, you had a difficult situation, but your mother "merely" had dementia and you were able to get her into a professional care situation without her destroying your life.
Had you spent 10 years caring for her at her home, spent all of your retirement savings on her care (or never been allowed to have a proper job, or a marriage or family) I think you might understand the desire to walk away better.
Glad you are well.
And as Barb points out - sometimes caregiving just goes on and on and can consume our lives far longer than we ever dreamed possible. (I have to admit to feeling a twinge of jealously when people come on all atwitter about a crisis and then their care recipient dies within months or a couple of years, too many of us are caring far too long for people who just live on and on)
Clearly, you are misdirecting the sadness and anger you feel with your own situation - towards the very people who were here for you. That’s sad.
Perhaps seeking out a professional therapist - one who specializes in grief, would help you more than lashing out here.
In nationwide conversations, there seems to be a huge trend towards how can I get out of this responsibility. If that's not you, then ignore it.some parents are jerks yes. Are they mentally ill? Are they narcissists? Are you sure? It is disease or your perception? We are reaching a tipping point is society where the numbers overwhelm the care options. And it is something to consider. If you, generally you, can do it, arrange it.
There are many posts here anymore which main point is how to get out of. And not just here. In several forums. And in several conversations. Medicaid expansion in many states these days goes more to support for home care. My concern is this will lead to a big rush to reinforce filial responsibility laws. And I can see that happening. There is a legislative exchange Council for states which tries to every year. And they are getting more support annually. Be careful what you wish for.
And during this time, since you have assigned guardianship, you have no say and no see,because they are in charge of everything.
If you are thinking about this, please research. Go to your state court web site and check what have they been sued for?
Yes, I could have phrased my original vent better. But we are are seeing more if this and is very sad.
One more point: many folks come here while trying to get help caring for their mentally ill, destructive parents while trying to raise their own children. A parent's FIRST duty is to their minor child and to their spouse. Elderly parents are a distant third.
Parents have had a lifetime to prepare, financially and otherwise for their old age. Their lack of planning is NOT my emergency. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with parents who planned and have done so myself.
I think you need to get your thoughts in order before you post.
As far as life being hard...NO KIDDIE...we Didn't need YOU to tell us that...Really! Some people here have probably had it way harder than you could have ever imagined. So don't even try to begin with life is hard...you have no idea what the people have gone through in life and as a caregiver!
As my mother use to say, "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all." I say, "if you have nothing nice to post then post nothing at all."
And as far as who do we think we are? Who the h3ll do you think you are? We are just people trying to get through one day at a time! Doing the best we can...but hey, if you would like you are more than welcome to come to my house and step in my shoes and juggle the 50 balls in the air and deal with a mother who never liked you and a low life brother who is always starting crap and the other 101 things that seems to always happen at the wrong time!!
My question to you is "who do you think you are???"
So have your opinion and think what you want. I personally don’t give 2 rats arses about strangers posting ill will on here or what their opinion is on my life. Grow up yourself.
This is what some folks are dealing with. It's not about growing up.
I think you posted out of an angry moment---none of us think CG is easy. If we did, we wouldn't be HERE.
If we had it easy or have great relationships with our LO's we would be spending our time elsewhere. This board has been a true godsend to me as I have struggled through a lot of stuff I DO NOT want to share with family (tried, doesn't help) and the people here are 99% supportive and kind.
I'm sorry you feel angry. Take a beat, take a day and maybe see a therapist who can help you. We're gonna continue 'complaining' as it were, b/c we don't need to implode on someone.
I might wish I were a better person. In fact I DO at times wish I were a better person. But I would not be capable of this. For myself, I find it difficult to live with others when they are well and rational. I was all my life a nurse, and I loved it; I especially loved working with elders. But it was an 8 hour shift; I had unending support; I went home at the end of that shift; and there was no family baggage involved. It was hence easy to be kind and giving.
I see people on the forum who have broken themselves in the service they feel they are obligated to do. Many of them express childhoods filled with the pain of parents who were not capable of good parenting. And still some of these folks martyr themselves to this care. Everyone has different reasons for doing it.
I see also some stronger people surviving, with the need to vent, and with bad days, but still surviving.
Segoline, you have every right to wish the world were a better place and filled with stronger, better people. You have every right to make your own choices. But to my mind you do not have a right to judge others. I don't think any of us do, really.
I think most of us limp along through life doing the best we can, pulling the good out kicking and screaming. It is very difficult, life. We aren't all as strong as you are. Sorry for that.
However, I do suspect that this site might support a higher average of Narcissist parent(s) than normal - hence, part of the reason their caregiving child winds up here.
Some folks are just plain mean, nasty and totally self-absorbed. These folks probably shouldn’t have had children in the first place - but that’s just not how it was done in our parents generation. In fact, it’s relatively recent that choosing to remain childless is viewed upon as an acceptable alternative.
As for the bonafide Narcissist... I actually have some compassion for them. They are victims of an actual personality disorder - a mental illness. How much they can or cant help what they do is hard to say.
But lumping many elders into a mentally ill category without verification is wrong.,it is. I tend to side with the elders here.
In my mom's case, she was diagnosed with both mental illness and dementia (suspected vascular). She had struggled with mental illness/personality disorder for years before she started experiencing worsening memory loss and overall cognitive function. For a long time, she had been largely non-compliant with her meds, including taking her insulin as she should, which made things worse.
My mom passed in February, but situations like mine that at times reached a crisis point are a heavy load on adult children of the elder, especially those who, like myself, are married with children. We ultimately had to place mom in a facility as we tried hands-on 24/7 and it was just too much. Even then, I felt like I really couldn't relax, never knowing when I was going to get a crisis call, saying that mom was being taken back to the psychiatric facility or hospital.
Of course, as you mentioned, grandparents raising grandchildren are often going through similar situations and have it just as hard, especially where substance abuse is involved.
I think it's just that each individual situation is unique, and depends mostly on the family relationships going into a caregiving situation, as well as the diagnosis and needs of the one needing care.
I did not use my firm to handle my mom's stuff. They don't like to handle employee matters. Wisely so. Our guardianship was third attempt due to a sibling. Had I used our firm, would have been 100k at least.
When I run one of these reports, I can see every. Single. Thing.,you have ever posted on social media. And the judge will too.
Seriously, what I see from boomer kids is just awful.
My mother paid her own nursing home Bill's for 4 1/2 years and would have eventually qualified for Medicaid. And yes, we would have paid a lawyer to do the application, with moms money.
Yes, I have a home, retirement money and a decent lifestyle, as do my brothers. Not because of our parents' money; but because we earned good salaries.
We arranged for mom's care. As did you. We did not feel obliged to become her hands on caregiver in our homes because she needed more than that.
Why do you object to elders being on Medicaid if they have run out of money? How does an adult child impoverishing him or herself make any sense to you?