I am going to open myself up to some ill will here, I don't care.

Barb, I have absolutely no objection. We thought we would be there too at some point. And would have been in two years. But hospice was right in their timeline.

There is nothing at all wrong with Medicaid and I don't mean to imply that and hope no,one infers from my post. It's just that man, some people just think it's a credit card. And they can keep mom or dad's money without any responsibility of their own. None.

Again, we were going to be in that boat. Had my,mom lived 2 years past our selling house in April. Jeeze. We were dialing for dollars for three years. And that is only when the issue became critical. I have no judgement on Medicaid. I do against boomer kids who want no parental responsibility, yet want their money.

I am not criticizing any of you. I am the entitled who want no responsibility.

I have been down nightmare lane with you in all of its iterations, or many of them. My mom at time of death had ALZ and vascular with Behaviors. So many behaviors. We had to,put her on psycotrophic meds which ultimately hastened her death. You think I might have some guilt about that. She had a Ph.D. was very clever.,oh so clever. Could hide this line you wouldn't believe. Her IQ at one time was off charts. But, as dementia began to invade, she acted like someone who had bipolar, or schizophrenic, or schizoaffective. She acted like a narcissistic. But she was none if those things, clinically. She wasn't and had not been in any part of her life. She was sick. And she was hospitalized in a geriatric psych unit to determine if what it looked like was true.

My point being the following. It may look like mental illness.it may look like narcissism. But it is a disservice to both mental illness and dementia iterations to label without confirmation. Both suffer in treatment and diagnosis.

You're overwrought with many things, & bitter in many directions.
If you can possibly take a vacation, (away from your work) it could help a lot. Change of scenery for a couple weeks & some enjoyment.... Maybe a good friend would accompany u.
(Sounds like your own mental health is teetering on the edge).

Segoline - In your line of work, you're seeing the scums of the scums. I can see how that would disgust you seeing grown children trying to hide assets and dumping their parents on Medicaid and washing their hands off of the parents' care.

Most people here on this AC forum are not the type that you describe. There are a few new or one-time posters who do ask how to hide assets in order to get Medicaid, and they do get the appropriate replies from the old timers here that parents' assets are to be used for parents' care or contact an attorney to ask that question. And they all go calling your law office. Haha.

Have you thought about working for Medicaid in your state instead? Maybe in their asset recovering department? Or department that reviews and approves applications? That way you can spot and weed out the scums that are calling your law firm.

BTW, I do enjoy the news articles you post now and then about senior care. Was it you that posted about the "Good Death Society?"

Has anyone here read Death In Slow Motion: My Mother's Descent into Alzheimer's, by Eleanor Cooney? 2003 book but out there cheap on Amazon because of its age. Eleanor is an author, has written mysteries, and art mysteries, good writer. Her Mom was an author well respected in her own right, had studied and written of Audubon, and was a brilliant woman. While it is shocking and sad, it is also at times laugh-out-loud funny as Eleanor and her husband attempted to care for her Mom, moving her from her home to their own home in California. For those who have lived this life, who consider doing 24/7 care, I sure do recommend this book, and I suspect for those who have done this care, it is an amazing read. I wrote Ms. Cooney when I read her book soon after publication, because my best friend had moved to Ohio and was caring for her mother 24/7. She was incredibly nice. Sure do recommend this book. Another good read is George Hodgman's book, Bettyville, about his return as a gay man, from the world of New York Publishing, to small town Missouri, to care for his Mom; he did so until her death. Mr. Hodgman sad died recently, a suicide. But his book is also heartrending and at the same time full of the humor that makes life bearable. As he said, when he began all that he thought the Donut Hole was a special Senior Breakfast.

Agree with lealonnie1 about break time.

I agree. At least for those whose parents were decent. It's another story if they weren't.

I am one of those that did not sign up for care giving, but landed back at my elderly parents home when one of them was ill. The situation was such that one of us had to be close by. When things were good, they were ok. When not, it really wasn’t. Someone always had to come home. As someone who had health issues as well, single, my siblings thought it was a good idea for me to stick around for an extended stay. No reason to “rush home”. That was 3 years ago. My parents have not been nice, “I am a loser” - my health has suffered, there is no consideration from my siblings and no help when the parents get sick. 4 times I have saved my dad’s life, literally, ( I am an Ex heath care worker), and they are both still the most passive aggressive people as I remembered. Mean spirited, to each other and me. Being “10” again is not what I planned for myself at this stage of life. No, I do not mind being here for them. However if I leave and go back where I enjoy life, it is not going to be convenient to come back and forth. Something I have always been the one to do. Now, that is not an option. Neither sibling was available for my one parent’s last 3 week hospitalization or follow up appointments. They my parents, both threaten to “slap” me, like when we were kids, toss me out on to the street, okay I can leave, but again, I cannot come back.. and they cannot do “sick” alone. Left to each other, they both would have died the last time they got sick. Neither thought the other should go to the Doctor. One would have gone into shock, a month later the other would have had a seizure and died with in an hour had I not come home. These are typical scenarios of this age group. Go to sleep and not wake up. Death by natural causes.
My social life is in the toilet, my part time job suffers and my other one, managing a couple of part time homes in the neighborhood, one parent tries to get all up in my business. Trying to tell me how to do the yards...but not their own. They don’t even know the homeowners. I find them on the property. Sneaky and nosy. No matter how many times I ask to stay out, it gets worse. She attempts to manage everything from food, laundry, driving, what is in my room...oh yes, goes through my things.
Name calling is nothing. They both remind me often that I have not much left after my health issues, I have not accomplished anything, ( no not a Dr, but lots of accomplishments and accolades), a mistake baby, (as if I never did the math), no one will ever want me... it just keeps going. ( I ran ultramarathons, still run, fitness train, personal train others, danced professionally and still fit in my high school clothes- modeled, skied, pretty well read, on a couple of boards locally, made a few friends. Drs, lawyers, Indian Chiefs, still I do suck).
Not sure how others deal with life like this. No doubt, whether your parents live with you or vice versa, it’s not a fun time for everyone or every household. Mine were never my “friends”. Never my “confidents”. Whatever was said would be used against us kids at a later date. No matter what was. It still is. So we learned very early on not to tell them anything. No talking at the table, there still is no talking. It is meaningless. I have not sat with them in 2 3/4 years. It is not worth the headache of one being brow beat the whole meal while the meal is being complained about. Not once in my lifetime has a meal been wonderful, delightful or delicious or fun to have made by my mom. Most birthdays were “whatever”. There are no happy vacations or laughter in my memory box. Yelling, hitting, degradation. By both parents. So yeah, I pull up my boot straps, ditch my own life and privacy, to see to it that these two do not go to assisted living. When is it enough? Anyone else?

Segoline, This is a very interesting topic. I don't usually post but here goes. I am alone in life. My only sister rejected me, my only child rejected me. I have no other relatives. I am caring for my DH who has vascular dementia.

I wonder who will take care of me in my old age. I am 71 yo. I told our estranged daughter about the fact that her dad is pushing 90 and she said she only wanted to know about our deaths or a serious illness, other than that leave her alone. She is a doctor.

We were good parents.
I live in a small village without lots of social things going to on to help seniors. Not moving. So I just gotta stay well and look for people who might take care of us. We thought we had a good church but they had a huge church split and they have been fighting. So your post was interesting.

I haven't posted in a while but could not resist. Segoline, there are a lot of narcissists around. Not just parents who require care giving. All you have to do is watch CNN and the coverage of Trump. (yes, I know. No politics) But he is a narcissist of the nth degree. Now, imagine having to care for him when he loses his marbles. Which I think he already has, by the way.

This forum is a small percentage of people who have narc parents and parents with mental illness. My S I L on my husbands side, case in point. Mental as the day is long. Both of her daughters want nothing to do with her. She made their life hell and I was witness to it. I wanted to phone child services and have them taken out of her home many a time but was told "mind your own business" by none other than my hubs who is the uncle.

So, I don't blame these people who were brought up this way for not caring for their parents. I was lucky. My mom was a dream compared to what others have gone through. But if she had been like my S I L I wouldn't have thought anything about leaving her in the lurch, so to speak. Care giving is a thankless job at the best of times. Add in a person with mental problems etc and it's hell on earth.

I don't think the small majority of people on this site who have struggled with narc parents represent the big picture. I'm sure there are countless numbers of people who had wonderful, loving parents and still struggled every day to keep it together while taking care of them. I was one of those and am so grateful. Funny, I received tons of criticism for singing my moms praises on here, People thought I was rubbing it in. Guess you just can't win.

Segoline, not every person will go to the doctors to get a diagnosis. My mother is one of them. She clearly has mental illness but because she is not formally diagnosed I just say she has an undiagnosed mental illness. She won’t get checked out for mental illness. She is 95 years old. She’s not going to change her ways now!!!

Narcissism and other cluster B personality types are a strong indicator for carer stress and that's why we see so much of it discussed here

Wow....and who are You to assume what other people go through? I take offense to your post as you are passing judgement onto others. I have been on this site long enough to appreciate the support, understanding and advise from those in similar circumstances....and those in much worse. Caregiving IS hard sh*t and I don't think anyone here will deny it.....our lives and interactions with those here are perceived through our own individual lens and that's what makes it so valuable. We learn and can relate from the experience of others to draw comfort and enlightenment. Not everyone has the ideal relationship with their parents, yet so many sacrifice themselves to step up. Others have the the self awareness to understand that AL, SN, and MC are the best way to move forward....for all involved. Some of us have underlying circumstances that dictate to do what is best for ourselves and families. I'm sorry this offends you, but as you stated life is not choreographed. We have to live what life has dealt us and hope we have the strength and fortitude to get us through.

I love when people pontificate from their soap boxes about the evils of social media on a social media forum. That's always ironically fun. I don't see how your point is even remotely helpful to anyone. But hey, it clearly makes you feel better in some way so, whatever, lady. Thanks for your permission to not take it personally as someone in the trenches. But I think you may be overestimating the value of your opinion. Might want to gain a little perspective. It would do you good.

hahaha - you're not serious.