I am the enemy. As far as my Mom with ALZ is concerned my siblings and I have have taken everything away from her. She calls my Aunts and tells them terrible things that we have supposedly done to her. All either completely untrue or misconstrued. Then I get really nasty emails from her sisters. Now Mom says she wants to move far away to be with her “family”, which doesn't include her 3 children or 7 grandchildren. I do not think this move would be in her best interest. But I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. As far as she is concerned I’m the enemy ... so I’ve lost her either way.
As for letting her go to live somewhere else, would you let an unhappy pre teen daughter do that? At first it can be hard to wrap your head around the parent/child role reversal that must take place, but your mom needs you and your sibs to firmly, yet lovingly, do what is in her best interest and stop worrying about her anger towards you.
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"Come and get her, she has Alzheimers".
There's no "win" with this situation. Been there; done that. Your Mom with Alz will not stop demonizing you, no matter what you do. Your mom, as you once knew her, is gone. It might be as she progresses into her disease, her contempt for you may ease up or go away altogether, but maybe not. Relatives who are "out of the loop" and even some "in the loop" may not ever fully understand, no matter how you try to defend yourself. Moving your mom to be with her "family" doesn't sound like a good idea. I would recommend doing topic searches on this site. You will find many in the same boat who learned to grow a thick hide and quit thinking in terms of winning or losing. You're in for a long, bumpy ride. Take care of yourself. Look into assisted living or memory care for your mom; it may be more affordable than you think! And whatever you do, don't move your mom in with a family member! Stories abound on this forum of those who did. Some are successful, but it seems most live to regret it!
And it bears repeating: first and foremost, take care of yourself!
She wouldn’t move in with one of them. She would move into an assisted living facility. She currently resides at an assisted living facility.
Her narrative to her family is my siblings and I took everything away from her and stuck her in a nursing home. That all this happened suddenly. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Of course anywhere other than where your Mom is at this very moment would be an imporovement in her eyes.
Not many elders go to a facility without complaining about something or everything. If you’ve read much on this forum it’s very common.
I agree you are not the enemy! You have your Mom safe and taken care of. You are doing your job. Are your relatives prepared to do what you are doing for the long haul. I think not!
It’s just flat unfair for your relatives to judge! Have they visited your Mom lately? Or are they just clueless about Alzheimer’s in general?
Good advice from above posters. If Aunt’s think they can handle the situation better the decision will be final. “All Exchanges Final - No Returns”!
That explains a lot. Don’t worry about their opinion. They don’t get an absentee vote.
Hang in there. As long as you are being an advocate for your Mom and seeing that she is taken care of that’s all anyone can expect.
My mother has always been narcissistic, my sis too, so long ago I decided that I had to do what I thought was best. I didn't take it lightly. I thought things through after processing all the BS, chose a course of action, and stuck to it despite complaints, put downs etc, unless I saw a good reason to change it.
If your mother is best off where she is, the leave her there and reduce contact with the complainers. You can't change them. This is not a popularity contest. Many of us would fail hands down if it was. Do what is best for your mum, whether she likes it or not.
Hugs to you.
If your mom seems much worse than usual don’t forget to get her tested for a UTI.
Listen to some Teepa Snow videos. Maybe suggest that to the aunts if you communicate. They may know the word Alzheimer’s but little else about the disease.
Even folks who have been dealing with the disease for awhile, up close and personal, such as yourself, can get sucked back into believing their loved ones know what they are saying.
If even YOU can get your emotions stirred up by what your mom says, then is it really so odd that the aunts could get confused?
After all your mom is NOT lying. She really believes what she is saying. She has a disease.
The spoken word is powerful regardless of its validity. That’s one of the reasons it’s so painful.
Get a therapist for yourself. Skip the meetings with mom and go to the therapist until you can beat the pain and frustration back and regain some reserve to deal with her condition.
Try to rely on the ALF to keep you informed of any issues needing your attention. Ask one of your siblings or one of the grands to step up for awhile. See if you can gain perspective. This job of taking care of demented loved ones is not easy. Take better care of yourself. Don’t let the disease take you both down.
A lot of us have been where you are. Don't try to "win", you won't.
My mother accused me of stealing her medicines and money, lying to her, attacking her and throwing her on the floor and attempted incest!! She was in stage 5 Alzheimer's at the time. I know it hurts. I left her apartment a few times crying. How could she think that, even with the disease? We need to ignore this type of talk. It's the dementia talking.
Your mother is not thinking rationally. Don't move her anywhere. Your aunts are probably in denial or are completely unaware what her condition entails. Don't be in contact with them. Ignore the e-mails. They keep e-mailing you because you keep answering them. If you have to talk to them, don't argue-just state facts. Do NOT try to convince them. It makes you look guilty.
Yeah, I remember...I was trying to defend my reputation too. Who cares what they think? You know you are doing a good job. Have confidence in your judgement. Get thick skinned about that too. If they've only visited once, they don't deserve to have an opinion.
You're going to need to become a hard a** to deal with negative family. When talking with your mom, change the subject or have a short visit.
Don't worry about what mom wants. You won't make her happy. The sooner you accept that fact, the better your life will be. Been there, done that. It's just a sad fact.
See if the AL can limit her calls to her sisters. Even if not, you can't let other people's feelings get in the way of your better judgement for your mother. It's going to be a long road and the sooner you lessen the drama, the better.
Good luck Sweetie. This is one heck of an adventure.
It sounds as though mom is agitated. Is someone looking at that as a symptom? A geriatric psychiatrist or behavioral neurologist?
Note to aunts..." as you know, mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and is having delusions about the actions of her loving children. The docs have asked us to advise mom's loved ones to be supportive ( oh that's such a shame), but not to believe on face value what she is telling people. As you might imagine, it is hard on mom to lose her life as she knew it, and hard on us, we have to do what we have to to keep her safe. We have sadly had to make a choice between keeping her safe as opposed to happy. We know that if you were here with us you would agree with the choices we've made. We would be glad to have your support, going forward."
My cousin had this 'great' idea. I should put him in AL near my aunt so she can visit. Ok but that would make it near impossible for me to ever visit or take him for a holiday as it would be a half day of driving. I still work, aunt does not. Yet people see what they want. I was dumbfounded no one thought this was just not doable. If my father doesn't answer the phone my aunt calls me and actually expects me to drive 25 miles to see where he is. No matter how many times I explain that he is hard of hearing and she needs to call repeatedly, she doesn't listen. She things that means call at 9, then 10 , then 11, not 9, 9:02, 9:04.
My father wanted to go to this AL and now he doesn't like it and has been arguing with me about moving. He doesn't have a clue as to how much work that would be. And to add insult he acts like he is doing it for MY benefit. The thing is I know as soon as he gets to another place he will be unhappy again. My father likes constant attention and the only thing that works for him is laying in a hospital bed having nurses fuss over him. That is his happy place.
I suggest one blunt email to any aunt that sends you a nasty gram. Shut them down and tell them this is not up for discussion.
They've visited her once in 15 years? Well no wonder they're such experts on her care needs, then! So simple to know all the answers when you have absolutely no idea what the real questions are, isn't it?
A move would not benefit your mother. The change would disorient her. She would recognise none of the people around her. She is unlikely to accept that her distant family members are who they claim to be (her "real" sister will be at least twenty years younger than the "imposter" in front of her, for example). She will still believe that you have done this to her, stolen her house, locked her away. So moving her won't relieve any of her current fears, it will just add new ones.
Will it help you? Well, initially she won't be your day-to-day problem and that would be a relief. But will you stop worrying about her? Will you stop caring what's happening with her? Doubt it - you'll just be incredibly anxious but you won't be able to do anything about it.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't wonder why you bother, if this is all the thanks you get. Nor would you be if ignorant back-seat driving didn't irritate the f*** out of you. But when you focus strictly on what is best for your mother at this phase of her illness, it sure as heck isn't moving her; and making the best possible decisions is the whole point of what you've been trying to do all this time.
Can you put a bit more distance between yourself and your mother, literally or emotionally? Let other people do the visiting; go less often; keep the visits shorter?
I would also recommend you not read anymore emails from the aunt or anyone else who complains. You should either delete or direct their emails to go to spam box automatically that way you don't even have to see them. If they call, don't take the calls. Protect your peace of mind and yourself from their verbal attacks.