Mom is back in the hospital. I talked to her for awhile. She is still in the ER with the same symptoms. I told her that I have to go to work tonight because we are really busy. She said that’s ok. I left a message for her primary doctor to call me back.
I haven't done guardianship, but it can get expensive plus there are many hoops and hurdles to navigate after being appointed (reporting to the courts, etc.) So far I only have to report at year end to SS (fed pension can ask, but so far they have not), and wouldn't you know, they sent a letter questioning what I reported her pittance was used for! All SS and All the pension funds go to the cost of the facility, and these total less than half the cost)! Oh my, most people have other needs, vacations, shopping... Sure they do, but this is a 96 yo woman with dementia, almost no hearing, macular degeneration, she no longer walks on her own and has very few "needs" beyond what the facility covers! It's not like she's going to be going to Hawaii or Taiwan! That little SS wouldn't even cover rental for an appt!!!
Anyway, do take care of yourself, write your mom's number down for hubby, and wait for the "powers that be" to make the decision... Not much else you can do at this point.
When you are asleep, your husband must tell anyone who calls that he will be handling all questions and requests as you are doing shift work and are sleeping.
There is no reason that the doc's questions couldn't have been answered by him.
Start putting YOUR health in first place.
I am so sorry. Do go see a therapist as you plan. It definitely helps. I go. A therapist can help us see what we need to see through objective eyes.
I know you feel like crap. None of this is your fault. You know that. You have done everything humanly possible to help your mom. Hang tight.
Sending you a bazillion hugs 💗.
YOUR MOTHER (the competent one, remember) promised her doc NOT to call 911, but to call the doc.
If your mother can't follow this instruction, it may be clearer to the folks at APS that she is no longer "fine" at home.
Doc is a smart cookie!
Back off. The only way mom is going to get the care she needs is if YOU stay away.
elaine - your mother's needs are beyond your ability to help. She's beyond (your) help, so you should not feel guilty for not being able to fix what you can't fix. You can only help her if and when she wants to help herself. Until then, you can't. It is sad and difficult to watch, but it's not your fault.
On a much smaller scale, I've been there. Dad calls ambulance, then wants picking up from hospital. I too have found that hospitals/social will criticise and ASSUME they can come home with you. Nope no way.
Also, I've been the same, spoken to his GP, spoken to hospital about his "fake emeergency calls" etc. No-ones interested. Basically, he can do what he sees fit unless hes declared incompetent.
Someone mentioned reading side effects. WOW every time! He reads the leaflet 10 times then phones me, asks me if I should take, then he phones and bothers the doctor too. Convinced hes going to have the "coma" that 1 person in the world had ever taking this drug....
Im in the UK. No charge for ambulances, hospitals, doctors or anything. I sometimes wish there was. Dad is the cheapest, tightest person you could ever meet. If it cost £10 to call an ambulance he'd rather drop dead. Sometimes I wish there was a charge so he wouldnt do it.
It sucks the life out of you, yeh, Elaine....
That is a great idea. Many assisted living facilities are wonderful. If you aren’t satisfied with that one, keep looking. You will find one that is suitable.
I think it is best not to tell her. Keep it between you and your brother.
Miracles do happen and I too believe in asking for the intercession of others when needed! I have done it many times and always will. I have seen miracles in my lifetime too.
Yes, any of the treatment. Rehab and home health. That’s what the head nurse told me. It’s sad.
Indeed it was by the ‘grace of God’ that you got help for your dad. That is so sad. Clearly, he needed help! I don’t get how these things operate. It certainly gets complicated and confusing.
"I said what about if she has her mind and is bedridden or wheelchair bound? Can I get her into a facility? Technically, no."
As I've noted, even WITH dementia, EC atty told us we CAN'T force mom to move (actually he said we can't "drag her out of the house", but I get the intent.)
We had all the paperwork (will, trust, POAs, etc, none of which give us the "right" to dictate what she does with her life), but in the end it is a person's RIGHTS that override (I have read that even guardianship can be limited - the courts want to ensure the person as much autonomy as they deem is possible!)
If something bad happens with your mom, they can't come back on you - she's considered "competent." Hopefully nothing bad will happen. If something were to happen to our mother, when she was living alone and we were aware of her cognitive issues, I am sure some person, APS or other, would be up our butts with a scope wanting to know why we didn't 'intervene'. Maybe because all this BS about "rights" is so out of control that we can't make a single move!
I'm not saying it should be a cake-walk, it shouldn't, but it is ridiculous when someone doesn't have enough sense to seek help or even tell us when they injure their leg, an injury which would have been life-threatening, and they say I have no right to determine where she lives? Thankfully we were able to fudge the move (facility said no to guardianship and told me just get her there, they'd do the rest.) YB was able to fool her with a fake letter from 'Elder Services'. We should NOT have to do this.
In your case, elaine, your hands are way more tied than ours were. But, she's been out and about, no calls to 911 (sign of relief from the EMTs?), sounds like she was pleasant enough.... Take the good times when you can!
Some of these old people should do ‘energizer bunny’ commercials! LOL
Anyway, I managed *by the grace of God* to get both of them into an ALF nearby so they could remain together, in spite of my mother not liking him very much, HE adored HER, for some unknown reason.
I will never forget him waiting in the hallway for her in his wheelchair the day she moved into the ALF. The look on his face was like he had won the lottery. Makes me want to cry. And to this day, she won't even SPEAK of him; it's like he never existed after 68 yrs of marriage.
You are so right. Even with all of the facts, they make crazy decisions only to be told by the ‘so called’ professionals that they are competent!
It’s kind of a catch 22 system. A nurse told me that if they aren’t able to report improvement then insurance won’t pay for the treatment. So, this leaves people between a rock and a hard place. Very sad.
Anyway, I am sorry to read your update today. :( It's absolutely infuriating what's going on and I feel like screaming FOR you. I don't have any brilliant advice for you, either, because let's face it, there IS no brilliant advice! The powers that be have made their decision here and that's that. Sigh.
I have a good friend who lives in NJ. Her mother lives alone, is legally blind, can't walk, is 90% deaf and refuses hearing aids, and is now in rehab after having minor surgery. Her mother is mentally competent as well........so she's praying to God they won't release her back to her own home after rehab b/c that illusion of 'independence' is just a big fat joke. Her children are breaking their backs cleaning up all of her messes at home, including fecal incontinence, so I was talking to her today about the phrase 'unsafe discharge'. Hopefully she won't run into the same nonsense you have run into. Her mother is physically falling apart, however, unlike yours.
Something is definitely broken in our system, isn't it?
All those who want to volunteer, take one step forward (everyone but the newest and/or clueless one takes one step back....) :-P
I had to laugh when I read your comment. I could just picture them all arguing about it, no No, I went last time, it's your turn!
My daughter works dispatch in a small town. They do get 911 calls from people who aren't all "there", been kidnapped, etc, but have to go check it out. I'm sure there are attempts at coin toss, drawing straws, etc, or if she puts the call out, how many are "busy" and don't respond back, mainly for the repeat calls...