I have another update on my mom

I’m sorry, Elaine. This has been such a roller coaster ride for you. I hope it goes well and will look for further updates. Sending you strength.

Well, I'd like to say I'm surprised but I'm not. This is the new norm for your mom now; going back & forth to the ER. Sigh. Glad you are going to work and not jumping into the circus with her. That's what I'm doing with my mother too.......avoiding her so I don't have to deal with more of the same nonsense. It really is hard, I know, but it's the only way to save OURSELVES along this dreadful road they're on.

Sending you a great big hug and a prayer for strength

My mothers primary doctor told me to go to the hospital face to face, show her the pictures of the house, unsafe discharge AND failure to thrive!!! I went up there to talk to the case manager. Same bullsh*t. Nothing they can do she is competent. I shouldn’t have gone in to see my mother (forgive me Barbbrooklyn for going in to see her). I SHOULD’NT have gone in. She is so thin and frail and she was fine until the case manager came in. She refuses assisted living. The doctor came in and tried to talk to her. She refuses to go anywhere and they CANT keep her. I told my mom and the doctor I can’t bring her home because I have to go eat dinner and go to work. She’s pissed at me. First time I did something she didn’t want me to do. I left her there!!! I said I’m going to work and left. The only thing I regret, was going in to see her. Barbbrooklyn has been right all along about her!!

I just got home because I pulled into a parking lot to write to you. Now I’m home and my mother called my husband to come pick her up. He said no, you need to be in assisted living, the house is too much upkeep, you can’t take care of yourself and he finally had to hang up on her. Then someone from the hospital just called my cell phone telling me to pick her up. I said no call a cab. She said your willing to send a 95 year old woman in a cab by herself??? I went ballistic!! I said your willing to send a 95 year old woman home alone knowing it is an unsafe discharge and a failure to thrive???? I was screaming at her!!! I just hung up on her!!!!

Wow, playing the guilt card on you at the hospital??? GOOD FOR YOU yelling at her! They have some nerve saying you're willing to send her home in a CAB, yet they're sending her HOME, to a hoarding den which is unsafe, and that's okay. Pure BS.
I think the only way to get through to her and to everyone is to stick to your guns and refuse to help her in any way. If she wants 'independence', this is what it looks and feels like, mother.

I told her you brought her home on Monday. You can bring her home tonight. I was livid. Already she was whining she didn’t want the ER food that she wanted the HOSPITAL CAFETERIA food!!! So we aren’t getting her. She has nobody to pick her up

Does she call 911 to get to the ER by ambulance?

(((((Hugs)))))), Elaine! Keep working and stand strong. And hug that DH of yours!

I will. Thank you Barbbrooklyn!!!

Lealonnie yes, she calls 911 and goes by ambulance to ER and they already told her they don’t make round trips!!

Thank you Plymouth!!! You and everyone here gives me strength to carry on!!! Pretty sure that’s a lyric to a song but I can’t think which song.

Yes I am at work now commiserating with my best friend since 2nd grade!! Yup, we work together too!!

Lealonnie sending you a big hug and prayer for strength with your mom. Avoiding her is the best thing. Big hugs to you!!

Thinking about you Elaine. Perhaps no news is good or better news. I would hope with all these recent 911 calls and trips to ER that hospital staff or doctor could make it better known that your mother is really no longer capable of living alone not to mention the state her house is in. As I mentioned before when my mother was hospitalized after a fall a young doctor in ICU told me my mother should not continue to live alone after the first battery of tests came through. Hope you are coping as well as possible.

Riverdale, thank you for your comment. Doctors, nurses, social workers can talk till their blue in the face and my mother will stay say NO!!! Since she’s competent and can stand upright, there is nothing anyone can do until a crises happens, fall or stroke etc.

(((((((elaine))))))) I want to share that the journey with my mother that finally got her the right evaluation and care was not smooth nor short. In her 100th year she decided to fly across the country to start a new life there, without telling me or my sister. Fortunately they caught her at the airport as she didn't have the proper ID to purchase a ticket. I was on vacation and got a phone call from my dd who had been contacted by my niece who was told to call us by my sister who lives overseas. Niece demanded to know what I was doing about it. I said not much yet as I only just heard. Fortunately the airport personnel got mother's "number" quickly, got a social worker involved and mother agreed to be taken to a hospital. She had $2000 cash in her purse, and called a cousin that she was coming east though no other plans had been made, Incidentally the city she was to arrive in was at that that time flooded.

In hospital mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and prescribed some meds. I believe they suspected the start of dementia as well. She was also interviewed as to her future choices (I declined to be that that interview). I visited her, brought her batteries for her hearing aid aids and so on but never stayed long. I couldn't. She was at the time living in an AL, had developed some paranoia and delusions, accused some staff (hospital and AL) of poisoning her, also of stealing the $2000 which I found from her bank records she had deposited back into her account and more. In the hospital they did get her to agree to visits from a community psych nurse and psychiatrist. Of course in all of this she was deemed competent. I returned home and got crazy phone calls three times a day in the evenings which eventually I let go to voice mail. They were accusatory and very upsetting to me. I worked with the staff in the AL who were excellent, towards getting her evaluated by their house physician as being incompetent, They documented her "episodes". At the same time I was working with her case worker and the community psychiatrist. and after a few months made a trip to her city. Mother had totally snowed the psych nurse but not the others. Mother had stopped taking her meds and the psych asked to to try to get her to take them. I checked with the pharmacy she used as I was pretty sure mother would give me a story about the meds and then spoke to mother several times. She was nasty as expected, refused to take the meds and also spoke about suicide. I reported back to the psych. who said she wanted to place mother into a geripsych hospital willingly or not. I agreed and fortunately for all of us mother went voluntarily. There she got the assessments and meds that she needed and placement in an AL for seniors with mental health issues at about age 103. Not that that all went smoothly during her time in the hospital, but at least she was looked after by professionals which took a load off my mind.

Take heart - it often takes a crisis or two for professional care to kick in properly. You are doing the right things. Looking after yourself is of primary importance. Being up front is important and you are doing that. Pat yourself on the back. You are doing very well in very difficult circumstances.

OMG golden23!! I am crying!! Thank you for sharing your journey about your mother!!! OMG she was going to fly across the country at 100 years old without telling you?? Wow, that is unreal!!! I am so sorry you went through all of this. I really am. Thank you for your heartfelt answer. Wow, unbelievable!!! But so glad you found the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I looked it up when Barbbrooklyn mentioned it to me before and my mother has these symptoms and characteristics of borderline personality disorder.

Golden, that is what my mother needs, placement with mental health issues. Gosh, I am really sorry for everything you went through but you also gave me HOPE because all of this happened when she was 100 years old!!!

Thank you for giving me hope golden 23, instead of despair.

Big big (((((((hugs))))))) elaine. You are so welcome. Don't give up hope. Keep doing the right things and above all look after yourself. This is a very stressful journey. I had diagnosed mother's BPD many years earlier but no professional did. She was very smart and could snow people. After her live-in nanny quit (couldn't take the nastiness any more) when mother was 96, mother was diagnosed with BPD during a hospital visit but no one seemed to pay any attention to the diagnosis. I tried to get a hold of the doctor who did the diagnosis without success.

I have been revisiting the decision I made in my 20s not to cut contact with my FOO (family of origin) and wondering if I made the right choice. Once when I was about 40 and mother had been particularly difficult/unpleasant to me I cut off contact for a year. It gave me a break for a year but really she didn't change.

I know the pull to stay in the fray and do what you reasonably can so as not to leave your mother without any family resources. My sis never helped only criticized. The decision to stay and do the necessary is not an easy one but easier for many of us than cutting contact altogether; however, it comes with a cost. I guess there is a cost no matter which decision you make. Slowly over the years I detached more and more emotionally, and visited less and less. It was what I had to do for self preservation and allowed me to stay in there as POA financial and medical to see that mother and her affairs were looked after. I am healing some now as it is almost over (estate nearly finished and I have gone no contact with sis) and looking forward to a new life, even at my age. I will pray for you.

Elaine,

You are one tough cookie. Many would have fallen apart by now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Things will turn around and you can resume a ‘normal’ life. Really happy that you have a supportive husband and son. That helps. You have all of us too.

Stay strong and take care 💗.

Golden.......holy cow. That's all I can say. It's unbelievable that your mother tried to go across the country at 100........that takes the cake. I admire the heck out of you, I really do. Your mother lived to 106 and like Elaine, you did not cut off all contact with her, as you easily COULD have done. That's what scares the living crap out of me.......that my mother has another 10 years left in her!!! I sincerely hope not, because the QOL is gone for her, and it's truly getting there for me as well. If she lives another 10 years, I'll be 73 and don't plan to live that long, frankly. My birth family has terrible genes, as it turns out. The oldest lived to 60! My adopted family, on the other hand, has FANTASTIC genes! They all live to their late 90's! How's that for a slap in the face?

Anyway, I'm glad you shared this story with Elaine *and with all of us* because it's very inspirational on so many levels. Thank you.

Golden, I looked up the 9 symptoms of borderline personality disorder and my mother has all of them except feelings of suicide. She has never talked out loud anyway about suicide or killing herself. However, I do remember a couple times when she was 50 just saying “I wish I were dead!!!” Out of anger and frustration she said it. What do they do for it? Medication? What does your mom take? I am so glad your mom was diagnosed. Better late than never. You truly are an inspiration!!! Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with your mother.

Elaine,I think you may know this. Golden's mother died over a year ago at the age of 106. Just mentioning that because I am not sure if you posed a question that meant to be in the past tense. I know the thought of 106 may make a number of us shudder. I know I don't want to live to see that for myself.

Thx lea - It has been a lifetime of challenges. This last stage was only one of them. I did care giving till I was over 80 and that was much too long. People are living longer. Your mother sounds like a tough old bird. Lea, it's not all genes. Lifestyle has a lot to do with longevity. The people from Okinawa who have great longevity lose it when they adopt unhealthier life styles. That's why it is important to look after yourself. It gives you better QOL as you age. Your mother could last another 10 years. So plan some good stuff for you anyway. Make sure the next 10 years are good for you. You only get one shot at it. She is cared for. Don't let her complaining run your life.

elaine - I would say then that your mother has BPD. Mother only talked of suicide 2x. The first time when she has extreme sciatic pain in her mid 90s and the second time as I mentioned before - around 101 when her paranoia and delusions were well developed. The med they eventually gave her was Risperdal, an antipsychotic and it helped her a lot at the time. A little later she got an antidepressant - can't remember which one off hand. It also helped her until she was about 6 months before passing and then neither helped anymore I guess her brain was just too broken from the vascular dementia.

Treatment for BPD is not considered to be very successful but it involves antidepressants and therapy. The psych in the hospital after the aborted flight east said therapy was pointless at her age as she was too set in her ways. Some how the antidepressant got lost in the mix. In the geripsych hospital they gave her risperdal for the paranoia and delusions which came from the vascular dementia and it calmed her down very well. Then the antidepressant helped her to be more content, Before going to the geripsych hospital she had had some pretty strange delusions - people were poisoning her food to give her dementia, there was poison gas coming out of the vents in the ceiling, she had been abducted and taken to the Salvation Army and had her sex glands removed (this one to our embarrassment she told people at church) and more. Risperdal got rid of those.

Looking back, for mother the first sign of dementia was paranoia. She tended to be a bit paranoid anyway but it got worse, Because she was "weird" anyway it was harder to see the onset, but I think it started in her around age 96. The next one was mistakes with her finances. She was always very careful about her finances. But she lasted another 10 years and was only diagnosed with dementia around 101.

Has your mother ever had a neuropsych eval? It would be good for her to have one. Incidentally, even in the geripsych hospital they would not deem mother incompetent, though they gave me authority over her meds as she was refusing to take them. I gave them permission to hide the meds in her food but she spotted it every time. and wouldn't eat that item. Finally after 9 months the delusions got so bad she agreed to the meds.

Mother had a history of high blood pressure which was mostly controlled in between times but got out of hand from time to time when she was upset/angry, which was fairly often. She never actually had a stroke but must have had tiny ones which damaged the blood vessels in her brain.

I am so glad you have some supportive people around you.

Had her sex glands removed.....alrighty then! 🤣 And couldn't she be taken to a more fun place than the Salvation Army after being abducted? I mean, they DO have some pretty cool clothes in their thrift store, but I'd think an abduction to Pluto would have made for a much better story.

Yeah, it was pretty bad and it was obvious that she believed it, I hesitated even mentioning it here, but it was part of her reality at the time. I never knew what to say in response to these tales. Mainly I distracted with stories about her grandchildren and great grands..We try to find humor to help us through this stuff. If you don't laugh, you cry. It was sad and shocking seeing a woman who was once very capable reduced to this. God forbid that it happens to me, or if it does I hope those who care for me are gentle with me.

Golden,

Please don’t ever apologize. Your genuine input is so refreshing to me. I actually love how you don’t water things down. I relate to that. Having been through struggles too I don’t feel so alone or strange knowing that others had similar feelings to mine about family members. Your postings helped put things in perspective for me. So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Riverdale, thx I wondered if elaine knew too. The thought of living to 106 is pretty daunting.

Thank you, need and you are welcome. I didn't feel the need to apologize but to add some context. As I said, I debated with myself about including that story, I guess out of respect for the woman that my mother was. Although she had BPD, she still accomplished some good things in her life. However, as much as the BPD and the good things were part of her life, so were the bizarre things. I tend to be pretty open when sharing. I really prefer reality and the truth as far as I can recognize it, knowing others may benefit from hearing my truth and reality. That being said, there are some stories I would not share.

elaine - I don't want to hijack your thread. If your mother has BPD you have been emotionally abused since childhood and may have PTSD from those experiences. For me it has helped knowing what others go through. Please keep us updated about your mother and yourself and how you are coping. I think you are doing very well.

I have another update on my mother. I haven’t spoken to my mother since Wednesday when she was released from the hospital. My youngest son went to her house to bring her the mail and some food. She was upstairs sleeping and this was at 3:00pm. He didn’t stay long. I went to work and she called my cell phone 10 times. She left 4 minute messages on each one. Most of them were just telling me about her mail, what she ate that day, talking about her hospital visit. Then one of her voicemails said since she came home on Wednesday she hasn’t been sleeping upstairs at night. She was going upstairs during the day for a little nap. But she said at night she sleeps downstairs in the little bathroom on a folding chair. Yeah, you heard me right. A folding chair in the bathroom because there is too much junk for her to get to the couch in the living room. She made another call to me when I was on break. This time I picked up the phone. She said can you come over? I am having trouble breathing and the hospital doesn’t want me back because there is nothing they can do and they aren’t a babysitter. I told her I would come over and leave work in 10 minutes when I leave work for the end of my shift. I went over and I asked her if she wanted me to clear the junk so she could get to the couch. She said no, help me find the deed to the house to give to you. After looking on chairs with junk I couldn’t find it. I said I think you told me 10 years ago you put it in your desk. I went to the desk and found it. She was fine when I got there. She was breathing normally. I stayed with her for 2 hours and said I have to go to bed. She said ok. She was heading to the bathroom to go to sleep. This is so pitiful I am ready to puke. If it weren’t for Golden, lealonnie , worriedincali, Needhelpwithmom, Plymouth, Barbbrooklyn, and ALL of you for your support and caring, and wonderful words of advice, I would have drove my car off a cliff by now. I’m calling APS on Monday. They are closed on weekends.