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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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She has confirmed that she is worried about my well-being and has been stressed by the dissension in the family. My brother has DPOA & MPOA, although I have lived with and cared for Mom for the last 2.5 years.
Why is your mother concerned about you? Do you have health problems? Is it just you and your brother? Does your mother have dementia? What is the dissension about?
My mother asked me to move from Hawai'i to stay with her so she could continue to live in her home. I was the only member of my family willing to do that. My brothers would rather Mom be in a nursing home/ assisted living situation...for a couple of reasons.
Since I moved here in 2011 I have lost 4 jobs due to 1 lay-off, 1 conflict of interest, 1 I quit and the last I was fired from. Yes, I have some health issues (I'm 51) and have no health insurance.
My mother has always had a difficult time separating herself from me. I believe it's called enmeshing. She doesn't see me as being a fully autonomous being, has a martyr complex and lives in victim consciousness.
I am the youngest of 5 and the only female sibling. My 2nd to the oldest brother has the POA & MPOA and has been a veritable a--hole to me until last week when I blasted him for verbally abusing mom, threatening to kick my ass and calling me a liar. Since I called for a family meeting with a family couselor or mediator, he's backed off. I don't trust his good behaviour to continue and the talk of counseling/ meeting has been dropped.
I believe Mom is seriously depressed and I have asked her Primary Care Physician for a referral to a psychiatrist. My family has a history of personality & brain chemistry disorders (I am the only one of the kids to ever seek long term treatment for these issues).
You don't seem to have a question. Perhaps you are venting?
One thing that stands out for me is that your brothers wanted to place her into a ALF or NH and you decided to care for her instead. I think you may want to reevaluate your original stance. How can you care for her, when you are clearly having difficulty caring for yourself? You will not be able to give her the care that she needs - and her needs are only going to increase.
Yes, I suppose I am venting. My frustration comes from my family insisting that Mom's problems are my fault. I seem to be the only one willing to fight for a solution to her problems as opposed to putting her away, you know, out of sight out of mind. That way they can believe they have done their duty by her instead of abiding by her wishes, which is to stay at home as long as possible.
I am not being unrealistic. I am well aware that the time will come when she will be unable to stay here. But for now, she is fairly mobile, has no overly debilitating physical issues (her OT's & PT's are impressed with her performance when they visit) and her mind is generally clear.
There is no question in my mind about my ability to take care of myself. I did it alone for 20, issues and all. I was gainfully and fairly comfortably employed and had excellent health coverage. In fact, I was Executive Director of a non-profit for the last 5 years I was in Hawai'i and am now in the process of starting my own business.
Venting yes and I am very grateful that this forum exists. It helps me to feel less alone and that I am not crazy or being a jerk for feeling the way I do at times.
I am reminded of how my siblings have responded to me when I have emailed them about my mother's condition... one sibling in particular lives in the same town and she gets very hostile when I give updates and personally attacks me.... and then instead of focusing on the needs of my mother, it becomes an attack against me - like I am exaggerating.
So, what have I done? I don't do email updates anymore.
I totally get that. I had to draw the line when the bro who has POA & MPOA verbally attacked Mom at the nursing home (in front of her roommate), threatened to kick my ass & told Mom I was a liar. I drew the line because he victimised her instead of going after me.
After my mother passes, I will no longer have any contact with this brother and the rest of his family. They will cease to exist for me.
It's interesting - similar to you - I am the youngest of 5 and the one sibling who gets irritated with my email updates is the one who has POA for Mom (second oldest). I think she gets angry because my emails show that I know what is going on with my mom and what her needs are - and she has totally abdicated her responsibility and feels guilty. So, instead of addressing my mom's health needs, she attacks me viciously. I had to literally filter her emails to the underworld and block her from texting and calling me. It felt and feels empowering.
You hit the nail right on the head! Being Mom's POA made my brother feel like a hero, but when I arrived that pretty much usurped his position. I called him on it and would like to think it struck a chord.
I have unfriended him, his wife and kids as they used FB to attack and ridicule me.
How old is your mom? Does she's on her own home? Paid for? Mortgage? What are her financial resources? Is there a trust and a will? Who is trustee and executor? Or. is there only a DPOA & Health POA naming brother? Was she recently in hospital or nursing home for rehab and now has PTs & OTs at home? If she is clear minded and has not been diagnosed with interment, she is still allowed to change her mind and sign documents. Protect yourself and your mom. If you are going to be the caretaker, get her to her attorney to put the responsibilities in your name. If you have any idea that her attorney will contact your brother, choose a different attorney, preferably an Elder Care specialist and go there. You can amend the existing trust or have a new one prepared that supersedes all previous paperwork. Cost will be the only factor but don't let that stop you. It's only going to get worse, not better, with your brother and your family.
My view, from observing various families, including my own, is that the person who will NOT help with caregiving, can be very interested in the financial matters, in other words, what they will inherit. They have the time when it comes to dealing with the inheritence, but not for the actual "hands-on" caregiving. Sometimes it takes decades to discover what siblings are made of, as in the early years when the parents are in good health, things can be fine between siblings. Fast forward thirty years, when the parents need assistance, and this is how you will recognize the difference between siblings.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Let us know. We're here to listen.
Since I moved here in 2011 I have lost 4 jobs due to 1 lay-off, 1 conflict of interest, 1 I quit and the last I was fired from. Yes, I have some health issues (I'm 51) and have no health insurance.
My mother has always had a difficult time separating herself from me. I believe it's called enmeshing. She doesn't see me as being a fully autonomous being, has a martyr complex and lives in victim consciousness.
I am the youngest of 5 and the only female sibling. My 2nd to the oldest brother has the POA & MPOA and has been a veritable a--hole to me until last week when I blasted him for verbally abusing mom, threatening to kick my ass and calling me a liar. Since I called for a family meeting with a family couselor or mediator, he's backed off. I don't trust his good behaviour to continue and the talk of counseling/ meeting has been dropped.
I believe Mom is seriously depressed and I have asked her Primary Care Physician for a referral to a psychiatrist. My family has a history of personality & brain chemistry disorders (I am the only one of the kids to ever seek long term treatment for these issues).
One thing that stands out for me is that your brothers wanted to place her into a ALF or NH and you decided to care for her instead. I think you may want to reevaluate your original stance. How can you care for her, when you are clearly having difficulty caring for yourself? You will not be able to give her the care that she needs - and her needs are only going to increase.
I am not being unrealistic. I am well aware that the time will come when she will be unable to stay here. But for now, she is fairly mobile, has no overly debilitating physical issues (her OT's & PT's are impressed with her performance when they visit) and her mind is generally clear.
There is no question in my mind about my ability to take care of myself. I did it alone for 20, issues and all. I was gainfully and fairly comfortably employed and had excellent health coverage. In fact, I was Executive Director of a non-profit for the last 5 years I was in Hawai'i and am now in the process of starting my own business.
Venting yes and I am very grateful that this forum exists. It helps me to feel less alone and that I am not crazy or being a jerk for feeling the way I do at times.
So, what have I done? I don't do email updates anymore.
After my mother passes, I will no longer have any contact with this brother and the rest of his family. They will cease to exist for me.
I have unfriended him, his wife and kids as they used FB to attack and ridicule me.
Does she's on her own home? Paid for? Mortgage?
What are her financial resources?
Is there a trust and a will? Who is trustee and executor?
Or. is there only a DPOA & Health POA naming brother?
Was she recently in hospital or nursing home for rehab and now has PTs & OTs at home?
If she is clear minded and has not been diagnosed with interment, she is still allowed to change her mind and sign documents.
Protect yourself and your mom.
If you are going to be the caretaker, get her to her attorney to put the responsibilities in your name.
If you have any idea that her attorney will contact your brother, choose a different attorney, preferably an Elder Care specialist and go there.
You can amend the existing trust or have a new one prepared that supersedes all previous paperwork.
Cost will be the only factor but don't let that stop you. It's only going to get worse, not better, with your brother and your family.