Today was the last straw with my narcissistic mom.

Smitty, you have an absolute right to feel hurt, anger, and outrage, no matter that your mom has health issues. That surely doesn't make it right. If your mom has been that way your whole life, understand that's who and what she is, it will never change, and you will never, ever, no matter how much you might bleed for her, be quite good enough...nothing will satisfy. Everything will be wrong. That's not YOU. Do you not see that? That's HER. Why would you ever believe those words? I looked at it this way, my mom might not ever be satisfied with my efforts, but NORMAL people would be appreciative and grateful. Your mom isn't quite normal, is she? Why should YOU own it and feel like shit? If that professional doesn't get that your mom is an abuser by now, get another one because you've got a quack on your hands.

Just start agreeing with everything she says. Seriously. Yes, I'm lousy. Yes, this house is filthy. No, I don't do squat around here, and I'm not worth a damn. And on and on and on.... I mean, whatever. I know better. You know better. And that's really all you need to know to break the chains from your tormentor. And these types will show you just a little, teeny crumb of humanity once and awhile...just enough, just that tiny bit...to keep you right where your at though manipulation of your emotions. You want to do well for this suddenly 'nice' woman all of a sudden, you have that little spark of hope...it's a lie. Narcissists don't change. Ever. They take all that misery with them to the grave. You will never have what you need around these types of blood suckers. It's rough to acknowledge that, it hurts like hell, but there it is. Your mom would throw you to the wolves if it suited her without batting an eye, that's how much regard a narcissist has for others. Sad, but true... Accept what you can't ever change no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, no matter if you bleed yourself dry in the doing and giving... and move on... Don't accept what isn't yours to bear. Don't accept abuse as your due, illness or no illness. That's another lie. If it becomes too much, walk away and don't look back. Let someone else deal with your mother. Like a nice facility.

YES!!!!! Narcissists belong in institutions -- their victims should get as far away as possible and not look back.

Thank you StandingAlone. I hate her for what she's done. All day today I've been in anguish over everything. I am so devastated. I feel crazy. I want to run away. I want to divorce her. It's insidious how she can be so nice and then all of a sudden, WACK, she becomes Jeckyl....Looking back, she lays it on SO thick...all the damn compliments....phoniness...that's all it is. I realized that I can't trust her anymore. HOW SAD.

I just bought a book on adult daughters of Narcissistic moms by McBride. I will no doubt devour it!!l LOL.

I am an only child and so many times wish I had siblings to say, 'yes, I know she's nuts, she did that to me too." But thank you for filling that role!

Several times in the past 2 weeks, I've wished she would just die already. I need a reason for this to be over....I plan on finding a job with an agency working for relatively NORMAL old people. LOL.

I'm truly grateful for the support on here, knowing we're not alone....

God bless.

When mom gets like this, we tell her we are not going to take it and walk away. Tell her when you feel abused, establish your boundary and save your sanity. Walk out of the room, out of the house, hang up the phone, whatever it takes to get to your happy place. Tell her you'll be back when SHE can be more civil. Tell her to pout in her room and you don't put up with tantrums. Tell her not to play the guilt card, because you aren't buying in to her game.

I am seeing this personality quirk in my Uncle more and more. He can be generous and mostly displays an agreeable personality, but when he gives, he often "throws it up to you", especially if he is not getting his way, or you disagree with him on something. Not sure it's true narcissism, but he sure is an emotionally needy guy, and it can be really infuriating at times. And he likes to be part of everything you do, which I do not allow. Right now he is ticked off at me because I told him I was going to visit my Mom in the NH by myself on Sunday. He is actually insulted that I do not want to take him along this week. Well, I have spent the last 10 weeks of my life catering to him as he has been hospitalized 3 times and spent 4 weeks in rehab. I told him I would like (for a change) to see my Mom alone and be able to give her 100% of my attention, as I have been giving him for 10 weeks straight! Tough cookies for him. Yes, as Standing Alone said, I often feel that he would 'throw me to the wolves' or 'under the bus' if he stood to benefit from something at my expense. I wish that someone would appear and take him off my hands, but he has no one else and no one is knocking on the door to give me a break either! Many elders do become very self-centered as they age, but some have been that way all their lives. I realize they are becoming scared, insecure, suspicious and untrusting because they are worrying what is going to happen to them, and they actually cannot help it. It just does not make it any easier to deal with, but that knowledge is what makes us keep on dealing with it. You just have to stand up to them in all the ways the above caregivers have mentioned.

Smitty, I'm an old child myself. I was a wild animal growing up around my mom. I said this before, but I'll say it again...even as a kid I sensed a lot of danger around my mom. I thought she was a nut job even before I knew what that was. I spent my childhood hiding from her, or avoiding her presence. I rebelled at every single turn when she got really nasty. I think I was 7 when I told her to drop dead the first time. That earned me a hell of a beating, but I didn't care. What was one more beating? My mom would beat me in her rages, not necessarily because I had done any wrongs, but just because that's how she got her rage out... I know all about hate. Hate if too mild a word for what I felt for my mother. As I got older, and she would just spew verbal abuse, I felt nothing. I would look at her and think, 'Lord, what a miserable, pathetic human being to live only to hurt'. She just seemed ridiculous and pathetic to me. Her words weren't me, they didn't define me. But Lord, did her words ever define who SHE was. And I refused to own her bullshit. Simple as that.

When Alz took her personality, it took the demon in her with it, too. Thank God for small favors. Suddenly, she was no longer my tormentor, my abuser. She was simply a sad, old, frail human being that had nobody that gave a shit...except me. I felt the utmost pity for such a sad wreck of a human being. I did my best for her, because I could no more leave my mom in the cold to suffer alone than I could a starving puppy I found in the street.

Lose the hate. Forgive your mom, and she does need forgiveness. Forgive her for having a mental illness that turns people into monsters. She is a monster. My mom was a monster. Forgive her for it, be sad for her, and you, because of it, but don't hate anymore. You are not your mother. You are not defined by ugly words, you don't have to accept or own them... Let your MOM own those words, let them roll right off of you. People have to stop trying for something they can never, ever have with a narcissist. Love, warmth, acceptance from these people will never be yours. They will grind you to dust with their endless demands and feelings of entitlement, using emotions as a weapon to get what they desire out of the people around them...don't buy it. Narcissists are full of nothing but the fantasies in their own minds and lies. If you begin to accept and realize that, and know it for the FACT it really is, disengaging from them suddenly becomes a whole lot easier...

If someone demanded that you climb Everest and you knew you were in no way, shape or form, capable of doing so, that seems rather unreasonable doesn't it? An impossible demand. Would you do it anyway if that person insisted that you do it, dogged you to do it, insisted that climbing that mountain for them was the only way they'd EVER be happy and pleased? Would you climb everest at the risk to your own life, for no other reason than to please the person demanding it? No? Then why ever give in to a narcissists unreasonable demands and own them? You might as well be climbing everest trying to satisfy them.

Like I said, a narcissist will show you just a little glimmer of humanity, just a tiny, fleeting feeling of 'goodness' now and then...and it's all just a lie. It's no more than another mind game to keep you right there with them, to feel sorry for them, to pity them, so you'll keep on keepin' on when they pile on the guilt and demands. Just another narcissistic strategy. No, you can't trust them. Glad you figured that out. Nice in a narcissist is just another head game to get you into their clutches. Anytime my mom was 'nice', I wondered what the hell she wanted from me now... And sure enough it was always something... Let me tell her 'no', or that I couldn't do something on command...and the beast was back, spewing verbal abuse, or trying to assault me somehow... Yeah. Don't buy into the narcissistic lie. See it for what it is, and stay away from these toxic people as much as possible.. You can help your mom, but that doesn't mean you owe her every single breath you take... and if it means war to get some distance, then war it is. A narcissist will stop at nothing to keep you attached to them through manipulation, guilt, verbal abuse, you name it, it's all in their arsenal and they will fight like hell to keep their punching bags right next to them, where it's convenient.. Don't sweat it. Walk anyway, and let them shriek at the walls...

Orange, it's been my experience that a true narcissist doesn't do a damn thing out of the goodness of their hearts. If my mom did anything nice for me at all, I heard about it constantly. If you do something to be kind because that's who you are, there won't be any need to throw it up in someone's face time and again. You were nice. You feel good about helping someone, and that's the end of it. With a true narcissist, you will hear about their 'good deeds' again and again and again and again. I didn't want squat from my mom because I didn't feel like hearing about it till the end of time. It's like emotional blackmail. 'I did this for you, now you OWE me...' 'I was 'nice', how dare you exclude me...' Nothing but mind games. Blow it off, and blow your uncle off too, when he gets that way. If someone does something nice, truly nice, for you, all they want is your happiness and the satisfaction of being able to give and help. If they throw it up to you, they're after something entirely different...control. Don't buy into that crap. Just because you're taking care of the man doesn't mean you have to dance to his tune. Do what you please, knowing that you're doing this man a kindness, and if he sulks or gets pissy about decisions you make that make YOU happy, let him. Who cares? I wouldn't. You need distance at times, so grab it already, and your uncles bad moods about it be damned. Stay strong.

SA hit the nail on the head-do not give your power to her-just before Mom got sick while we were attending a wedding on the west coast she yelled really screeched at me about the ac -which I had told her nicely to let me know if she was too cold or too warm-after her tirade there was a light bulbs moment-I said to my self-that is not hurting me-her verbal abuse is not going to hurt-her words will no longer hurt me-I took my power back-a few days later after an outburst when I was trying to help her another outburst and I verbally gave it back-so go ahead and fall I don't care-. She beat the hell out of me when a child and was never nice to me-people had kids to do the work is how she thought-in today's world I would have been taken away from her-she lost her power-take your power back it feels good and the sky will not fall if you talk back to her-detatch from her as much as you can-for your own sanity-have a mantra to say over and over again-with the husband it was-I don't deserve this treatment-after about 100 times I said it I believed it-replace the hurt with affirmation-try it it works-any small baby step with empower you and right now you need to claim your own power girlfriend

What makes you think there are "Normal old people"? A person takes their behaviors with them when they age. So if they were ugly as a young person, they will be ugly (in the sense of how they treat others) as an elderly. What is "normal" anyway? No one can be abused unless they allow it to happen (of course this does not include children). Stop listening to her abuse, just walk away. Why are you allowing her to abuse you? Maybe you should be seeing the psychiatrist alone to talk about your issues.

Never wish Death on anybody especially your Mother. It just might come back and back fire on you. Nobody is totally happy in this world or complete. She has issues and the right facility might be the answer no more hurt to you and she might get the proper care she needs. if shes in the right place. Sounds like a mental issue . She needs the proper medication that might help her. People with metal issues theses places know how to treat her with the right medication if it don't work try another till one does that what I did to my mother I had to cause she is something like your Mother only except she has Dementia but not as bad. I'm not sure your mother does or not have Dementia. You can still go see her at the Nursing home or where ever you decide to place her and she would get the care she needs and you can get a break away form all the stress she is causing you and herself. Stress kills it just might get you. You only live once time to be happy. Good Luck to both!

You could be talking about my mother. She’s as narcissistic as they come.

Yes, cultivating benign detachment is a great growth opportunity. And still it's demeaning to be the target of abuse from a person who knows exactly which buttons to push to make the attack as personal as possible.

I've stayed with Mom for 10 years now. She's 95, has dementia and remains as cunning and mean as ever. I feel loving compassion for her and of course at times don't like her much. Her agitated aggressiveness and compulsive behaviors finally reached the point that I turned to her doctor for relief and she recently started on Seroquel and Namenda. Both are helping.

As for the rest, I'm grateful to have a spiritual teacher and a mantra to help me remember who I am, what I'm doing here and what truly matters. This path isn't for everyone, however something any person can do is to think of a phrase or a song to repeat – something that helps to shift your focus away from the whacko and onto the inner peace which is yours to tap at all times. Amen and blessings to you in this process.

LP, I've wished my mother's death...and with it end to mental torture and physical abuse, which is what my wish for her death represented...since I was a kid. God gets it. That's all I need to know. And my mom was no more mother to me than a rabid dog.

I feel differently now that alz took that beast out of her. But when she was younger and I was? There were countless times I wished her to just drop dead. And in those moments of absolute loathing, where I felt such burning, intense rage at the absolute injustice of being her whipping post, her literal punching bag whenever she needed to release her demons, I would have spit on her where she fell, and wouldn't have felt one iota of guilt about it.

When I was 17 she grabbed one of my dad's thick leather belts and hit me across the face with it as hard as she could. I told her to hit me again. And she did. She went nuts. She was beating the living hell out of me with that thing, all over my body, including my face, and I just kept telling her to hit me again...and again...and again...I just kept saying it. The more I said it, the harder she hit. She wanted to break me. She couldn't. She was out of breath when it was over. I felt nothing but the utmost contempt for this sick, out of control bitch. You think in that moment I cared about her death? I longed for it. Yeah, God got it, and he's always been there with me though it. That's why I'm not an abuser, that's why I broke the cycle. I've never hit my kids in anger... I don't blame anyone in a position similar to mine when they wish their tormentor would just freaking DIE already. I understand.

Belts are horrific; I am so sorry for your horrible, horrible, experience, StandingAlone. May God give you peace.
Manipulation and verbal abuse are also horrific, but in a different way.
May God give us all peace.
Smitty, for your own mental health and your own character, you must put physical and emotional distance between you and your mother. No matter what the financial costs, the spiritual costs will be greater. Think of the financial costs as ransom -- the ransom for your life.

Thanks, Fitz...and God has. In spades. I got the whole package...verbal abuse, physical abuse, manipulation, head games, you name it. One thing my mother never succeeded in doing was beating the GOOD out of me and turning me into her. That was God with me all along. I've never owned my mom's crap, I've seen it for what it was long ago, as a kid. I knew in my soul that she was corrupt, not me. Never me. People dealing with these types need to learn to put that shit right where it belongs...on the shoulders of their tormentors, and not on their own, never on their own. Only then will people be truly free. And I wish that for everyone here. Be the good people you were born to be, help as much as you can, but never own a narcissists bullshit yourself. Walk away every single time. You don't have to justify crap to them, or defend yourself to them, you already know what's up, it's THEM, not YOU, and that's all that matters.

God, I'm so passionate about this kind of thing...I have everyone's back that deals with these types. I get every word people say, and why.

And I agree, Fitz. Distance is the key...lots and lots of distance. For sanity's sake.

StandingAlone, I know how you feel. My mother and my father were both horrific abusers. My mother would beat me around 30-40 times, with the belt, so much so that I had to wear long sleeves to school for much of my childhood. Verbal abuse was bad too.
My problem is that my mother, who has early stage dementia is coming to live with us in two weeks time. I’m looking at it as a short term thing. I’ve been looking into assisted living facilities that have memory care. I don’t think I can handle any abuse from her. It looks like she isn’t going to qualify for Medicaid for another 7 months. I just have to hold out for that long.

Smitty, I feel for you. I know how it is. For you to have to take care of her shows how big of a heart that you have. I always thought that if I took care of my parents (my father was ill for four years) and now my mom has dementia, that they would finally appreciate me and show me love. Never worked with my dad. I doubt if it will with my mom.
Do what you can and take time for yourself. Distance is a good solution, if you can get some. Big Hugs.

Smitty! I really feel for you my mum was a bitch last year BUT seems to have calmed down alot lately I think your mum will calm dow n soon and I totally agree with SA forigive her and walk away when shes abusive it hurts I know but have learned to ignore it now or I was heading for a breakdown. Its an illness and thats what you have to tell yourself everyday! Big Hug! this is the pits! x

StandingAlone -

I absolutely agree with your advice to agree with her verbal abuse. Not to accept it, but to go along with it without getting upset. When she says you're rotten, and you agree that you're rotten, how much fun is that for her? Not much.

Also, after your mother sent you to your death, she would be looking for sympathy because her child had died.

Smitty, maybe you can't get totally away from your mother just yet, but you can walk out of the room. Over and over again. She may or may not get the message, but you can start removing yourself from the abuse every time, and I hope that will help.

PLA, I am sorry that you were dealt the hand you were. God knows I am sorry for everyone dealt that hand. I've always maintained that God spins the roulette wheel, and what you get is what you get, good, bad, ugly... I have come out of this whole thing with my mom a winner...I WON. I'm not an abuser. I don't get pleasure out of making people feel like shit. I believe in compromise, talking things out, negotiation. If we find it within ourselves to dig deep, find that forgiveness, and lose that hate, we WIN. If hate consumes you, if that loathing for your abuser rules you, THEY win. And they should never win. Feel sorry for these poor, sorry bitches and bastards. Would YOU want to be them? I damn sure don't...I'm better than that...and so are all of you. You don't let your abuser win by carrying around the negative emotions and feelings they try and put on you...you simply look at reality...they have a freaking mental problem. It sucks for us that we were on the receiving end of it. But we damn sure don't have to live it, or own it, or carry it with us to OUR graves, and we don't have to allow it to rule our lives. Pity them instead of hating them. Feel sorry for such poor, sick saps. Rise above that crap and you win. And that's the best feeling in the world. That's freedom from mental chains right there. The end. .

SA, I didn't let them win. I never abused my son. I stopped the cycle.
I spent several years helping with my parents issues while my father was ill.
Now, my mom is going to come live with us for several months until I can get her into an assisted living facility. If she can accept my help and is willing to be civil with me, then maybe she will live with us a little bit longer than that. The one thing I will not tolerate is being abused as an adult. That is one thing I will not accept.
None of us should have to deal with that. I will walk away knowing I did my best with all of them.
I'm a very caring person and help others as much as I can. I certainly did not inherit that trait from my parents. I feel I developed it in spite of them.

Take care of yourself and stand up for yourself. If it gets too tough for you, walk away, take some deep breaths.

That's what I'm talkin' about, PLA. Kudos! That's as it should be. They don't ever, not for a minute, win. Your attitude is right on the money about it all. You do what you can, you're willing to help because you're good like that...but you don't ever accept or own abuse....from anybody. Ever. **squish!**

Your mom sounds like my dad. His favorite refrain was "I'm too good (to everybody)". He was never physically abusive, and still isn't, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive, and has become more so with the progression of the dementia.

The one huge tool we have over narcissists is that they crave attention. I have found the most effective tool for dealing with him is simply get up and leave the room. He cant act out without an audience. I dont say anything i just get up and leave. Depending on the day, I can leave the house and when I get back he is contrite and calmer. I feel better for being away from his constant complaining and paranoia, and he is relieved because he has an audience back. Then later I hear him up in his room practicing telling me to get out, but he never gives me the speech.

He is still superb at turning his bad behavior around and making me the bad guy. Example: he has moderate hearing loss-- thei audiologist said he can hear if he concentrates, (he lost both of the hearing aids i bought for him -- he wouldnt pay the$3000 himself) but he uses his hearing to pick fights. He hears what he really wants to hear. He'll say something to me and when I answer he always replies 'what?'. I repeat it louder, slower and more clearly, and he always says 'what' again. Ill repeat it again still louder, then he gets angry and starts yelling at me to stop shouting. Then he runs out and tells the neighbors that I always shout at him. This happens with every interaction. End result of game: he is the victim and he has someone to complain about and get sympathy from neighbors. I've learned to just get up and leave after the first "what?" to stop the "game". If he wants me to respond, he has to pay attention the first time I answer. The strategy has worked and that game has decreases in frequency. He comes up with others tho. It usually takes me three or four rounds to figure out what to do to nip it; it is absolutely emotionally exhausting.

I went through the paranoia and "everyone ganging up on him" phase too. That was somewhat reduced when a neurologist (he wouldn't go to a psychiatrist because he wasn't crazy) prescribed the minimum dose of quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic. It reduced the abusive language somewhat, and makes him sleep more which gives me a bit of quiet. He still insists people are coming in and stealing his things.

I can't deal with this any longer. The only solution now is a home where he's just another sick old man, instead of the father I will never have.

PLA if she does not qualify for Medicaid now that means she has assests above what is allowed -can she use that money to pay for her care now until she qualifies-7 months can be a long time and once she is in your home it will not be easy to get her out-especially if she is difficult-I would think twice about bringing her into your home-very few times it works out-there are thousands of posts here on AC that proves that fact-if she did not have extra money she would get Medicaid now and she can be private pay now and every NH would love to have her and she would get a private room-really give this more thought.

I agree with Ferris1. Six long weeks ago, after visiting my father in Pittsburgh, we found him depressed, starving, and completely out of sorts with his medications. He is 87 (soon to be 88). He lost my step mom back in February. In good conscience we could not leave him ill. My husband opened our new home and we brought him back with us to Virginia - we were still unpacking boxes.

The first 2 weeks were doable. They were in fact very nice. But as his health improved, he became more and more abusive - the father I remember from my youth. He constantly insulted my husband and tried to get me to agree. He accused us of so many things and was so nasty that we set up for his immediate transfer back to Pittsburgh.

He does not want our help and has made that clear. He is suffering from very early stages of dementia, but still has faculties enough to change his insurance, his address and to knowingly drive without a license - his license was taken away by his doctor. When he was here, we did not allow him to drive. But in Pittsburgh, he has consciously made a decision to break the law.

I find that, while I love my dad, I am not willing to allow him to run roughshod through my life. I will always be there as I am needed, but I can never allow him to live in my home again.

I think most of us here have the same mother!! I feel for you.Mine has had mental issues all her life and is worse with dementia.I don't wish mine was dead,just far away from me...

Carol good for you I did not even think once of having the MIL from hell living with us -she could have planned ahead and did not-was self pay for many months then went on Medicaid in a NH -our whole married life until her passing she tried to break us up.

Smitty, I can't believe there are people with similar experiences, and how articulate you are makes me recognize what I've been through. My narcissistic mother was so very intelligent that just writing this post makes me feel that I will be struck by the devil for the rest of my life. After her death three years ago, she is STILL looming in my life and I cannot get rid of her. NOTHING I did for her was right, because somehow I never anticipated EVERY need she had. She turned that into a war with my own existence and moral relationship to this Earth. She had cogent moments when she would say, "Not much of a life for you." Then in the next sentence, "What a peculiar little person you are." I bled for her, and to her I think, maybe, I was just an ill-functioning mechanism of her life. In the end, she left me nothing, not even good wishes. But she couldn't help it, she was a god-forsaken Narcissist. I saw the little child in her, sparkling, as she died. But I spent my entire life not understanding why she was so cruel. Maybe they (Narcissists) are so cruel because by quirk of birth, they see what a cruel world it can be and they spend the rest of their lives building their forts. Maybe they missed a mother's love. Or were abused. I just don't know. But she might as well have just stabbed me at birth, except for the now-important smiles and encouragement she did give. Her death to me meant I had failed, utterly. I do not think that is what most people would say God would would ask of a Mother. If not religious, I don't think that is what biology/hormones would ask of a mother. They have incredible rage, and they know things we cannot imagine, because we somehow weren't "mentally ill," yet we learned very early to feel guilt because they were. We were supposed to make it all up to them. We didn't. We stand in our emotional pain, shame, and confusion. RockHardPlace deserves a $20K commission in writing!

My mom told me that the good die young and that I was going to live a long life.

guess who's the one that is ending up taking care of her....the evil child.

PinkLadyApple, Ask your mother why she's still alive then! LOL

I know, right????