I'm mad at family members for not helping.

You have to give up trying to control others. You can only control yourself and that’s pretty darn hard to do.
You chose to care for your mom...right? You had your reasons. You can choose again.
If mom doesn’t have the resources to pay for her care, look into Medicaid.
Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. Maybe you aren’t either.
There are many posts on this website where siblings are upset with one another over how one doesn’t think the other is stepping up. So you are not alone in your feelings that others should help.
Remember to take care of yourself, your minor children and your spouse. Remember that you need income now and for when mom is gone. It’s a good thing to care for your parent but it’s a choice. Hugs for you and mom.

Have you asked your sibling why he or she isn't helping more? When my husband explained to his brother why he didn't feel compelled to physically care for their dad, they were able to work together to find the best care solutions possible with the resources available.
As 97yroldmom says, you can't control others. To ease your anger, try to see the situation from your sibling's point of view rather than expecting him to have the same feelings as you.

Saundie, what may seem like a "no brainer" and no big deal to you maybe not be possible for your sibling.

Did mom's need for care start suddenly? Was there a discussion of her day to day needs and how they were going to be addressed? Did you and your sibling have an agreement that each of you would do certain tasks?

If there was an agreement, and your sibling isn't keeping her/his end of the bargain, it's time to have a new discussion.

As above , you can only control your own actions. You can't compel your sibling to caregiver mom. Also please note that there is no legal imperative that children care for their parents. It's great when adult kids step up and help their parents with care arrangements, but it's the parents' responsibility to have provided for their old age.

Lots of prayer.

There is something very unfair here, and it is natural to feel anger. It is not fair that your dear mother has this illness/disability/condition that requires her to have a caregiver! Dang! And you are powerless to change that. More anger and frustration. (Your mom probably feels this anger, too, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is sometimes directed at you. Grrr ... another thing to be angry about.)

I'd caution you against dumping all this understandable anger on your sibs. They did not cause your mother's condition. They are as powerless as you are to change it. You made a choice about how to deal with Mom's condition, and so did they. There is no particular reason you would all make the same choice.

Have you asked for particular, limited help? "Could you have breakfast with Mom the first Saturday of each month, so I could attend my bookclub?" "Would you shop online or in stores and see if you can find some shirts Mom could easily put on herself? No small buttons, no tight necklines like turtlenecks. I'll pay for them out of Mom's account. Peach is her favorite color and she likes floral prints." Ask for specific help before you write your sibs off completely.

Being angry with sibs does not punish them, and it certainly doesn't solve your need for help. It eats away at your peace of mind, though. so you are probably the only one effected by the anger.

I'm one of 6 kids in my family. Oldest brother is now deceased, leaving 5 of us to care for mother. She lives with a younger brother's family in her own apartment. At the point now where she needs a LOT of help. Refuses outside help...

Of the 5 of us, only the brother with whom she lives and I take care of her. And recently my brother told me to "get lost" and leave him to care for mother alone. Weird, but OK.

The 3 MIA sibs simply do not have mother on their radar. It's that simple and also that complicated. They aren't bad people, they just don't DO caregiving, it never occurs to them. They'd throw any amount of money at the "problem" but they do not wash, clean, visit or help unless called and begged. That will result in one visit or one phone call.

None of us is close to mother. She was checked out as a mother and rarely functioning--we joke we raised each other--she simply should never have had kids, but had 6. Now nobody really thinks about her. It is very sad, but it is what it is.

I used to be really angry when I was allowed to help mother, that I'd go to her place and she'd ask me the entire time about what my sibs were up to. I just tell her to call them, and she doesn't.


You CANNOT make your siblings care, show up, do anything. Quit trying. I tried for 10 years and about went nuts. We recently had an all hands mtg to discuss her care, going fwd. All 3 MIA sibs PROMISED they'd make contact of some kind with her every week. It worked for one week.

I am the only one affected by the anger--and now I have been "fired" from doing anything for mother (brother is being kind of a jerk) I am dealing with anger about that now.

My sibs all go along merrily in their lives and never even think about Mother. I feel the responsibility, they don't. I have no idea why.

Ask yourself what is gained by continuing to be angry. And ask yourself how it's affecting you, how it's affecting your health.

Unfortunately, nonparticipation seems to be fairly common when it comes to caregiving. Also, unwanted "advice" seems to often accompany the refusal to help with care.

I won't deny that it's irksome, irritating, and unfair. But it also can affect my own health, and that's something I can't jeopardize, now, or in the future. So after the caregiving and trust distribution is over, I just won't continue any kind of relationship with the nonparticipant.

saundie, in some cases a sibling(s) will either stop helping or not help at all.... usually the reason is that they feel that the parent needs a higher skilled care then what can be given at home. They do not want to enable the parent to remain with the sibling home when they know the care would eventually be too overwhelming.

There is usually a stand-off, the sibling who is the caregiver wants to keep the parent at home, no matter what.... or the parent refuses to leave the house.

Even if a grown child had promised a parent they could remain at home, we still need to do what is in the best interest of the parent. I was a senior myself with my own age decline issues, thus I never was hands-on, just couldn't do it. Hiring cargivers helped, and later down the road Assisted Living.

Dear Saundie,

I hear you, my friend. I too had a lot of anger with my siblings for failing to help my parents too. I wished I found this website sooner because I truly needed another perspective. I was in a vicious circle of anger and resentment and frustration and yet still trying to do my duty. I didn't know how to ask for help or even where to get it.

If you can, maybe try talking to a family therapist, counsellor or joining a support group. I have been a controller my whole life and the first answer holds so much truth for me. We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves and that is hard enough.

I find writing out my feelings has helped a lot. I try to read and read and hopefully gain more insight into myself and how to better handle situations. My siblings and I are all middle aged and we still have our fights. It is an ongoing thing, I hope we still aren't fighting into our 80s but I have my doubts.

Sending you love and hugs.

This is sadly an old story. I've read it here many times and experienced it myself. The burden of care invariably falls to one child. Some people are just plain indifferent. That's the way they are. They'd have to have a change of heart or some kind of spiritual awakening to start acting differently. Don't hold your breath.

Be glad your siblings don't do what mine did. My Dad age 92 went to the hospital with minor chest pains that went away as soon as he got there. The tests were all negative, he was fine. My 3 siblings showed up at the hospital with the living will and told the hospital he had a DNR, and the hospital gave him sedatives until he passed out, morphine when he was not in pain, and they took the sugar out of his IV. Long story short, they didn't want to have to take care of him so they had him euthanized like a dog. He wasn't even sick.

Good morning, I am a little late to the conversation but I understand what you are saying as the same thing happened to me. I am the only girl with 3 brothers. My mother and I did everything together and I loved that!!! However, I also was the one she wanted/needed for everything. Part of it was that she wanted me to do it and part of it was she knew I would do it. My oldest brother lived in the lower level of her townhome but was very sick and eventually passed away so he was too sick to help. The other two were "busy" with their own lives so refused my requests to help. At the time I was working 3 jobs to try to support my family and my disabled son's family so I had very little time. I told my own children and grandchildren that I would be needed for Mom as she was old now and needed help but I think it was hard for them to understand. I also had anger towards my brothers for refusing to ever help. Every family gathering, I drove her both ways- never any help with that either. So, I understand the anger - I got that way too. The answer for what to do I am not sure. Like I said, I brought part of it on myself as I never ever said no, Mom would call me over and over if I was at work until I had a break and could call her back. My sister in law always told me "I just don't answer her calls when I don't want to" but I was never able nor did I want to do that. She passed away a couple of weeks ago after a fall :-(. Now, I wish I had the calls but I totally understand as I was exhausted and frustrated that I never got any help. I know my husband was bothered about it also. I wish you the best. I guess I was responding to let you know I understand as I have been there. God bless you and your family.

You just got to say the HELL with them!!!! If none of them aren't going to do anything now to contribute, they aren't going to do anything in the near future. I was the same way like you, very upset and its hard not to be. I just ended up hating my siblings and never looked at them the same.

The Serenity Prayer.

Hi there!

I am heart-sick for you. For myself, too because I’m in the same boat. My sister does NOTHING!!! I resent her so desperately that it’s made me sick. I obsess about how angry I am at her for hours every single day. Every morning I wake up she’s on my mind and I’m so angry I’m beside myself. It’s horrible. I have allowed her to ruin my life. There was a time when I used to be so happy, so upbeat and so positive. Today I am a crabby, miserable person I don’t even know. Yes, I know I can’t make her do anything, yes, I know she hits 9 out of 10 symptoms of a narcissist and yes, I finally hate her and don’t speak or see her anymore. Has any of that helped me? Nope! None of it. Has it affected my sister? Nope! She’s happy as can be. So, finally after FOUR full years of being this horrible human being that only I have turned myself into, I’ve finally made an appointment to see a psychologist for all of this anger. This Thursday is my first session and I can hardly wait. You will get sooooo much support and really great intelligent advice and support here so please keep coming back. What finally made me decide to go to counseling was one simple but profound expression someone posted here a couple weeks back that I think went like this: Bitterness is a poison you swallow hoping someone else dies. How true! Hang in there. You’re not alone and folks here are just wonderful!

I have 5 siblings and many of these stories I could relate to, in some level. I have been  caring for my parents and my ILs. My husband’s sibling lives across the country. It has been interesting to see how each of us responds differently to care. Some outside people have told me my sibs should help more. I have found that when I ask for help most of them pitch in. My mom is in a memory care center. My brother who was closest to my mom lost his wife at the age of 44. He never went to bereavement classes. I attribute that to him never visiting my mom, but it maybe emotionally it is just to stressful. Siblings wives have given me different reasons they don’t step up either (as they became like daughters). Not that they were asked to help, by me, but they felt guilty enough to feel that they wanted me to understand their feelings. My eldest sibling was POA, because he was the eldest. The rest of us were frustrated with his lack of proactive care. Finally he told my dad, he found it overwhelming. So my brother who is more financially savvy is POA. I take care of the medical/ physical care. At times it has been very time consuming and would be easy to look at my family and be angry. At these times I have to recognize my limitations and let my siblings know and communicate with them to help me resolve the issues. The solution has not always been my ideal, but it has resolved the issues. My points are; we all are emotionally different, so we approach life differently. We are only in control of our own emotions and actions, anger is an emotion that says I need to make a change to protect myself and move forward in a positive way. Family’s relationship are important enough to be vulnerable and put forth the energy  to find a solution you all feel comfortable with, when all is done.

Not all people have the compassion or emotional strength to be a caregiver. Many cannot deal with seeing the physical and mental decline of someone who was/is someone they depended on for decades. People who avoid difficult situations will also avoid care giving. They may feel guilty about not helping and that just creates another reason for them to "disappear".

Sometimes people who cannot handle actual care giving can be supportive in other ways if you give them the opportunity. If they have the resources, they may be willing to help finance some respite care - even a few hours a week can be a great help. Could they help you by taking your car to be serviced? shopping for you or your parent? mowing the yard? I have a sibling who has never stepped forward to take care of our parents, but has also never failed to help with any supportive task when asked. He has picked up groceries, made and overseen home and auto repairs, installed grab bars and ramps, shared expenses when needed, etc. Another sibling has "disappeared" except for occasional criticisms and otherwise creating problems.

Anger is a stage of mourning. Mourning for your parent's ill health, mourning for your disappointments in your siblings' actions/inactions, mourning for the life you might have been living without care giving. For me, moving past the anger was about accepting: (1) my parents had no choice in their decline and are not at fault for any of the annoying/challenging behavior changes; (2) I made the choice to be a care giver and accepting the impacting changes was _my_ choice too; and (3) siblings are not required to make the same or similar choices. I do not feel guilty about asking for reasonable help - from a family member or a neighbor - and I always thank them for their assistance. I think that "support" helps emotionally a lot. Care giving is isolating but I believe anger hardens that isolation. If your primary emotion toward someone is anger, it's very hard to ask for a favor/help from them and you deny yourself (and them) the opportunity to have more positive interactions.

I realized I was angry at my siblings because they were able to set boundaries & keep them and I didn’t know how. This forum and also a local support group helped me learn to do so. Also, I felt I had to fill in the voids I perceived in Mom’s care because of my siblings’ “lack of involvement”.  Again, this forum helped me come to my senses. Lastly, when I come across a particularly helpful phrase written by another member, I copy it into a file I started to keep. This file I refer to quite a bit, as we are now on the caregiving journey with my in-laws.

Find other help. It will ease your burden and anger. It may cost but is worth it.

My mother has Alzheimer's and is in a NH. My brother never goes to see her or do anything about her care. I purposely put her in a facility that is only a few minutes from where he lives and is 45 minutes from me. He has not visited her one time, but if I had made it convenient for me, you can bet he would use that as the excuse for not seeing her. His reasoning was the first time she didn't know him "He was done". As much as I would like to smack him upside the head, I can't make him step up to the plate. I can, however, have a clear conscience that I did. Just keep on keeping on....one day at a time. There is no other choice.

Saudie, please take to heart what these people are saying. Get rid of the anger any way you can because it will only eat you up and make you ill. It is this time in our lifes where we see the true character of children, siblings, relatives, etc. One of my siblings kicked her parent out of her house and 4 years later after not seeing her decides to call Adult Protective Services, and has not spoken to her mother. The other comes back once a year and sits in her parents home, and will not sit at the dinner table with her parent or even have a cup of coffee, because this person drinks tea! You are the only one that will suffer if you do not rid yourself of the anger.

Please do what others are recommending and check into Medicaid and if your family member is a veteran, please check out Veteran's Financial and have them check for you what assistance is available even if it is a spousal benefit.

Another thing is if these people don't want to help for whatever reason, would you really want them handling this person and would they care as much as you.

Keep us up to date and take care of yourself too!

Yes, Please let me know how to get rid of that anger and resentment when you find out!!! Actually my anger has turned to disgust. I have a sibling who lives less than 3 miles away. He and his sorry wife cannot be bothered by their 'busy part time schedules' and no children life. 8 years and when I have asked for any help I was literally told to 'f myself' But you can bet your bottom dollar these types are the FIRST to show up at death looking for their inheritance and whatever else is valuable.

Take to heart all the advice and take care of yourself. Get help- get home health, hire a sitter - whatever it takes so you can go out and do something nice for yourself. Spend the money on your parent. Thats what its for. No regrets. If you have made this choice, try to remember the narrow road is always harder.

It's comforting to know so many other people go through this. From reading forums like this early on, and all the books I can get my hands on, I have hung on to the common thread of advice, and that is to accept your siblings for who they are, and do not expect anyone else to feel or think like you do. what you feel your parent needs, and what you need to do for them is your thing. don't expect everyone else to follow along and think and act like you do. I refuse to carry any anger towards my siblings and loose them too over something like this. We work hard on good communication and believe me, I have to hold my sharp tongue often. In the end we are doing pretty well, and equally share our sadness and stress over losing our mother slowly to Parkinsons and dementia. It's important not to measure and compare what each of us does.

You need to de-stress.

Sadly, this type care does tend to fall to one person most of the time. For me it was easy, I wasn't working but my sisters were still employed. So I had the time, they didn't.

You can try to "give it to God" if you believe in God. Or, I know a lot of caregivers go onto medication to help them de-stress. Medication like Zoloft. Personally, with my DH, although the doctor recommended it for me and really thought I should - I didn't want it - I said, "no, I will find another way." I started using Ashwagandha Root and it is working miracles. It doesn't "numb me" but it helps to keep me stable.

The only other thing I do is to react. I don't believe that it is wrong to explode sometimes. After a yelling match with my DH, we both tend to start laughing. I apologize and so does he. And we both reaffirm our love for each other.

So, don't waste your time and breath being mad at your sibling. Your sibling will have regrets later but you should be ok with knowing you did everything you could as best as you could.

It really is amazing how common these scenarios are. One person always gets stuck with the majority of the caregiving. I'd be interested to know if anyone who reads this message board is on the other side of the situation, that is, the sibling who is not the primary caregiver. What are your thought processes when you are asked by your sibling who is in charge of your parent's care for help?

Being here helps. You are sooooo not alone. Here, you can vent, read others perils to lessen your burden, pray for patience and strength, treat sibling like a welcomed visitor when visiting for the sake of mom. And... the sibling is treated nicer by mom... in my case... I pray for strength... alot!

Feelings of anger and resentment seem to pop up as part of the normal course of events for we who choose to care for aging parents. I am fortunate in that one of my sisters is a great help and comes by often to not only help Mom, but me too (when I let her.) As far as the other 'distant' siblings are concerned, when I feel overwhelmed, I feel angry and disappointed in them but always love them. What I remind myself is that we were raised to be independent and care for ourselves and our chosen family, so 'they' are doing what they were raised to do. There have been many comments here that some people simply don't have the tolerance to be a caregiver. Given your siblings are not even helping a little, 'seems it's probably a good thing that they are not more involved with your parent. It's a very special calling and I tell myself I'm the lucky one to have these precious moments with Mom and they are missing out; by their own choice.

Saundie, oh my, you are in a tough situation. Loving mom enough to keep her home and human enough to be worn to a frazzled by it all. Then add absent, unhelpful siblings, ingredients for the perfect storm. I sooooo get being angry. I am dealing with my dad, alone, and the anger I feel I can't even explain. There are a 100 things a day but none should make me feel the way I do. My dad is a narcissistic manipulating self centered jerk, okay, why does that upset me? For me, figuring out what is real and what is his icky personality, was driving me mad. I thought maybe I can deal better if I know, my husband was finally (sick of living with my anger) WTH??!!?? difference does it make? That is how he is, no matter why? It took a while for me to get that, am I really going to treat him differently if it's the disease or the personality? No, so what's the difference. Oh, I get It! (The anger I had was consuming my ability to reason) not a nice picture of ones self to wake up to. My personal issue with family, and in all fairness, they live 400 miles + away) is they won't just say "NO", they lead him on to believe that if he can get to their house, oh yes you can stay until you get back on your feet, I'll help you, whatever I can do! Then he starts the elaborate plans of getting there and my phone gets burned up by these well meaning (?) friends and family, OMG you have to stop him, I can't have him here. He shouldn't be renting a Uhaul and driving, what are you going to do? Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! Can you just once not humor him, is it had to say no, very, but do you get that he thinks he has found his escape, all he has to do is get to your house and then he is free to go make really bad choices that result with him dead. Nope, they don't want to be a bad guy, so I get to deal with this regularly, anger upon anger.

I'm telling you this because I think you need to know that helpful can sometimes be more work for you. Find out how you can get your mom the care she needs without anyone else involved. Does this mean in home help, does it mean Assisted living facility or is she ready for higher level of care. You are it for her, so create your own village. There are many avenues of help out there, it is finding them that is the challenge. Remember the days of I'll watch your kids if you watch mine? Time to redirect your energies towards solutions that give you relief and ensure moms care. Your siblings have shown that they are not that solution, I personally am not a caregiver, I put my dad in AL, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I'm just not cut out for the day to day things. I do all I can to help, I have boundaries and I have my family, making sure that my priorities are straight and being able to have me time. Doing these things used to cause me guilt, now I can see that I have nothing to be guilty about, I don't get any help, even my husband has stopped taking my dad out, I get it, life is busy and days go by into weeks and months. None of this is anyone's fault, it just is. I know that my dad is safe, well cared for (when he is compliant) and gets his meds when needed. You have to let go and take care of you in all you have to do, you are not superhuman, even though you are close with all you do. You deserve a medal for stepping up, just be sure you can see when to step back. If you are a believer, pray to be delivered from the hurt and anger. This journey you are on is brutal on the best of days, get your village together and move one minute at a time, find something that makes you smile and have happy, peaceful, relaxing moments.

May God grant you the strength and peace to get through this trial. Hugs and love 2 u!

The resentment can take a toll. I am a single mom raising my kids and then had to be the caregiver of my father. He had limited financial resources but I managed to hire a caregiver in the day and I would be there a night. This wore me down. I would ask the other siblings to help.. buy his adult diapers, grocery shop, send a meal, do home repairs, or send money to hire more help but to no avail they helped to do NOTHING. When my father was moved to active dying, I did have one sibling who stepped in and stepped up a bit when he realized he would not have his only living parent living much longer. I got a week relief. However, after he left the other 2 siblings still did not come visit, do anything. I left my job to take care of my father due to the cost of hiring someone. He had been in nursing home for 2 months but he became very dehydrated, bed sores, then was sent to hospital when told he needs hospice. It was rough by myself with my kids leaving our home to move in with him. After my father passed, then the siblings had the nerve to complain and want to know what happened. Despite their resistance to help with anything, now they want to ask a lot of dumb questions. I tried to get them to be involved in his medical issues and care. Apparently they think my father had more $$$ than they know and want to act like they gave a darn. It was really so sad and disappointing how little they showed up and cared for their dad who did anything for them when things were good for him. However, when things got tough for him after my mom passed, the siblings did not contact him for 4 years to check on him. I was there. I miss him daily. I have comfort in knowing I loved him til his last breath and I did what ever I could to keep him comfortable in his last days. I am slowing letting go of the hatred I have for 2 of my 4 siblings for disappearing and being MIA but now want to question things. I think I will now seek out a counselor to help me move past some of my feelings on this. Good luck in finding your peace and closure to your resentment of siblings not stepping up.

Many here have given excellent advice. Mine is much the same. Having largely useless family help I used to be constantly angry and resentful over it. Finally figured out it wasn’t changing them a bit and was only hurting me. Things are much better since I stopped expecting them to be anything other than what sorry people that they are and accepted them and their mostly useless status. Yes, they’ll be there with hands out when my dad passes away, but that can’t be my problem either. I’ll treasure the memories of my parents and move forward. I hope you can get to a place of doing the same, you’ll feel lighter and freer for it.