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Saundie, I’ll share my experience and end result... I was frustrated and beyond angry at my sibs for not stepping up and they were at me for “enabling” our folks. The sibs pointed out it was my choice to be involved and their choice to not be. I attended support groups and begged for specific help from family members. Everyone had good intentions but not much happened. Eventually when dementia caused violent behavior from one parent towards me, I called police. When police did nothing, I left my parents and realized I was all alone in this. I called my brother and got an answering machine. I left a message how much I hate that nobody cares and how I hate him and the police and myself and how sad it was that our family must really hate each other. ( I do NOT recommend this approach) Anyway, ( to his credit) after several days, my brother called me very calm and stayed how sorry he was I felt this way. I apologized for my immature rant and told him I was frustrated and I did hate him and everything about this situation and disease AT THE Moment I left that message. Thankfully, he forgave me and we had a long and much needed talk about things. We validated each other’s ways of handling this disease. We both accepted it was our own choices to either be involved or not and neither could demand or expect the other to react the same way. We came up with a game plan to implement over a set time that would give me some respite and him some impetus to make changes to parent’s living arrangements ( he is designated POA). Although it was still difficult and still emotionally exhausting, the blow up brought us closer together and the anger turned to acceptance of we agreeing to disagree about the degree to which each of us was going to be involved in our parent’s care. Moral of my sharing is that my anger was only adding to the problem. As others have pointed out, not everyone is able to care hands on for a dying person. Once I realized that, I let go of my anger and accepted that people deal with horrible things very differently. I read the Serenity Prayer and I decided that I would change my mind set to being thankful that I get to be involved in my folks last months and possibly years of life instead of resenting my sibs for not being involved. It’s helped a lot in many ways. Best to you as you work through this part of the “journey”.
I am constantly trying to work on my anger and resentment at my siblings and other relatives for turning their backs on me and my parents when we need love/support/understanding/help the most. I have been doing this for over 6 years and have come to the conclusion that things ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!
I am at peace with this but occasionally I will start wishing things were different... I so need someone to appreciate all I have given up to care for them, all the stress I am under, the grief at slowly losing my parents. I am always disappointed when I raise my expectations of them.
You can only adjust your expectations, refocus your thoughts. Anger and resentment could only hurt you and not them.. they are going about their carefree lives and probably not even with a thought of your anger.
Disgusted.. I also wrote a letter just like you did.. but did not send it and i do have a copy of it. I think you are right that you can try to explain till you are blue in the face and they will not get it... they don't want to get it.
Periodically I feel as if I have everything under control then something will happen to pull the rug out from under me and I can feel the anger rising up in me.. well... at least I am aware of it and can try to refocus..it sure isn't easy.
Hugs to all who are working on controlling your anger and resentment. These feelings take a lot of energy and attention which could be focused on something more positive.
I am so sorry to read about your situation, but I'd like to welcome you to my club.
A week ago this past Monday (my siblings cut me out of the circle of trust because my older sister had been lying to them as well as my step-siblings) my siblings dumped EVERYTHING in my lap to handle!!
My step-sister called to inform me that my older sister had moved out of Mom's home 2 weeks prior (both parents have dementia, Mom's is worse); she and my brother decided that they no longer wanted the responsibility.
I too had posted a question very similar to yours and although very nice postings, it still hurts and my anger has increased.
I have been researching, talking with attorneys about what they were doing and now what they did.
1. My sister can be arrested for abandonment of elderly persons 2. She had not taken them to their doctor since November 3. Mom is incontinent and she was not making Mom bath or change her undies or clothes. 3. She attacked my step-father and claims he was the attacker. He has told Mom's 2 brother, my daughter, me and 2 social workers the exact same story never waivering wird by word of what happened. 4. I am here in my home State trying to get my copy (unsigned) of my Durable POA to take over the job; my POA gives me more responsibilities than they had. 5. 1 of the attorneys I spoke with suggested i ask my siblings to provide me with notarized statements that they would not contest my decisions regarding Mom. I legally do not have to tell them anything, but I thought this would be a good thing as well as letting them know they can ask me anything about what is happening. Older sister, although she hasn't done it yet, agreed. Brother finally agreed, his is on the way, BUT younger sister (a felon) demanded A) it must be stated that Mom's Estate be divided equally B) that I provide her a copy of the DPOA before she signs any thing, although she made sure to tell me that DPOA stops upon death I told her that I can't do A. Should I even stick my hand in that cookie jar * ONLY MOM CAN DO THAT AND THE DPOA HAS NOTHING TO WITH THAT * If I did anything like that, I would be arrested, charged with a FELONY, GO TO PRISON * I have to answer to a Judge with every single penny spent and show with receipts etc to account for what I have claimed I have done with Mom's money * she could go online to read what a DPOA can/can't do *haven't heard from her since
I have been researching EVERYTHING according to State Law; so far I am within my rights to take care of Mom WITHOUT their permission
I'm here with my step-siblings who are working together to do the same for their dad and helping me.
My Uncle, Mom's youngest brother, is doing everything he can to help me.
My older sister can also be charged with unhealthy conditions of the house.....they have had bed bugs which have become so bad, they are coming out during the day. God bless my 1 step-siblings who has the means, is having the house serviced (today is the 2nd treatment because not all of the bugs were killed. I had to provide Orkin permission to drill holes in the walls for a special treatment to get the ones that are living behind paneling and in the dry wall.
We talked with a social worker and in-home care person who basically told us that if the State helps with in-home care, the State has the right to charge the Estate, place a lien on Mom's house for reimbursement!
No!! I am not going to give the State anything of what my Mother/step-father worked all their lives for to care for themselves in the very late lives.
I will be placed as a signer on their bank accounts so as to make sure their Bill's are paid as well as being able to do investigations as where their money has gone in the last few years. They have bills that have not been paid and taxes for 2017 have not been paid and I don't know about past years.
My daughter, an RN, is helping me with information about garments that are healthier for Mom and in-home caregivers that are better than the ones I talked with 2 years ago.
GOD BLESS MY STEP-SIBLINGS. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT THEM. They are taking care of the house issue etc and I will be taking care of the finances
GREAT NEWS, I JUST RECEIVED A TEXT FROM YOUNGER SISTER WHO HAS AGREED TO PROVIDE ME WITH THE NO CONTEST STATEMENT!!!
Right now, I'm working to get the things done that should have been at the very least 2.5 years ago.
Deep breaths, try to legally remove them from the situation, CRY, find someone to just express you emotions and be there for you.
Everyday is going to bring something new..trust me, Mom has told me she hates me, get back on the bus and leave, they don't need help, aggressive verbally with both me and Belinda.
IT IS HARD, SO HARD AND HARDER COMING INTO THE TIME THAT THE VERY MAJOR DECISIONS HAVE TO BE MADE ON MY OWN SINCE THEY NO LONGER WANT TO BE INVOLVED AND WAUTING TO SEE WHAT THEY GET WHEN MOM DIES.
PRAY if you believe in a higher authority. It is tough and will become harder.
I feel you. I went through the same thing when my mom was battling for her life. My 3 brothers rarely came around and left the care to my sister and I and my husband was the biggest help taking my mom to her appts. When she passed my brothers felt bad and thanked my husband for caring for my mom. Now that my dad’s health is declining my brothers have stepped up when they can, but it still makes me mad when they can go about there lives, going on vacations while I feel stuck caring for my dad as we live together. I need to get out of my head and just be thankful for the time he has left. Don’t let the stress get to you, it will make you sick. God bless you.
Anger is exhausting and it usually doesn't accomplish much in family dynamics. Everyone will see you as controlling if you try to get them to pitch in according to your agenda and they will retreat. If you have a good relationship with other family members, tell them frankly you are exhausted and ask them to help you create a plan for your parent. If they can't help, perhaps they can make a financial contribution so you (or they) can hire some additional help. You need to be able to discuss calmly together where your mother needs help to ensure her safety, comfort, and hygiene. This may be more than one discussion. If you can't get them to participate, then you have to make some decisions for her on your own. If you get criticism, invite them to participate. They will probably run the other way. Most important to protect your own health and assets, so if you are doing all the work, set up a contract early on to pay you for your services (at family expense) and set some boundaries to give yourself some regular time off. Then take it day by day.
I have (had) 5 siblings.. None but me and my hubby helped my mom.. We sold our home, moved in with mom who had dementia and was bedridden. I also quit my job.. I took care of mom 24/7 til she passed Oct 2016.. I only talk to one sibling now. She would fly in from back east every year on her vacation to be with mom and help.. The others live here but couldn't be bothered. Here was a mother who loved us and did everything for us and this is how they repaid her.. They suck and I'm glad they are out of my life forever.. I don't need their drama..
Thank God for this site that we can all go to and get advise, give advise or just let others know they are not alone. 5 years ago I took two months off work to travel to another part of the state to help my mom take care of my stepdad who was in the home and dying of lung cancer. Siblings couldn't be bothered to come and help out even though they do not work or have children to care for. Stepfather died and they were right there with their hands out. Stepdad did not leave anything to Mom (not even the house, after 42 years of marriage he left it all to his one son). Not having anywhere to go or the financial means to support herself I gladly brought her home to live with me. very sad and angry woman. Things were rough for both of us. I lived by myself and I work 12 hr. shifts, (3rd shift 6p-6A) and sleep during the day. So it was an adjustment for both of us. An older brother living 4 hrs. away hasn't came to see her of ask us if we need help of any sorts, an older sister living across the county calls but is basically not in the position to help in any way. This has been going on for the past 4 1/2 years. Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I noticed Mom was unusually quiet, fatigued, and complaining of not having any strength and hard to breathe. Wouldn't go to the Dr. just stay in bed up to 12 hrs a night, sit in chair all day and not make an effort to do something to help herself. Yes, I got totally flustertated by all this, was at my wits end and got upset with her. Ashamed at myself, the next day I went for a long walk on the beach, took a lot of deep breaths and said to myself, 'She didn't ask for any of this to happen to her, she misses her husband (even though he totally screwed her over), she misses her little dog and her home and past life" I'm the only thing she really has left. So that same day I left the beach because something was telling me to get home. When I got home she was sitting in her chair, out of breath and in pain. I took her to the Hospital thinking she was having a diviticulitis (spd?) attack. Like a punch to the stomach the Doctor gently told us, (Mom and I ) that her recent health problems were being caused by Lung Cancer. They found it on the CT Scan. We will not know anything more until later this week. My heart is breaking for I know how this will end, I seen it with my Stepfather. But even after being told of her condition and knowing what the future is bringing, my Dear Mother was more concerned about the strain and worry that it will would put on me. She finally acknowledged that my brother and sister were not of any help. I told Mom that they do love her but God chose me to take care of her and that is exactly what I will do til the end. So take those deep breaths everyone and hold on while you can. It can all change in an instant and in the end you can stand proud knowing you did all you could for someone who really needed you.
Sergeant 201, thank you for sharing this story. It is inspiring for those of us going through difficult times. I pray that the Lord gives you strength.
What lesson can be learned here is WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS. For example, as our mother lay on her death bed in Massachusetts and both I and my brother were there at time she suffered the ischemic stroke, he chose to go all the way across country to his home in California. Did that make sense? No, but I wasn't him. Period.
I had the care of my Mom tossed into my lap 2 weeks ago after over 2 yrs of being kept out of the circle of trust. My sister who was "taking care" of Mom moved out 2 weeks prior, but she didn't tell anyone...I think it was due to her knowing Adult Protective Services was and is looking for her.
Now, after accusations of my wanting to place Mom in a home and taking everything she has; my siblings have washed their hands of it.
My step-siblings and me are doing everything we can to help my Mom and step-father.
I went home to AZ, took Mom to the doctor and Mom has Alzheimer's 3 which is caused by her diabetes attacking her brain.
Spoke with several agencies who deal with Medicare and Medicaid. That is basically a reverse mortgage scam.
Mom needs 24/7 care or doctor will place in a assisted living facility. Medicare/Medicaid will only cover 1 month. To qualify for long term assistance, all the assets your parents will have to be "paid down" until they only receive $6000 a month.
THEN after the parent dies, the State will place a lien on the home and any other assets. The State provides but in the end it all has to be repaid.
Shocker, doesn't matter that all of the years Mom paid into much less all of us, have to pay back what is provided by the State.
I'd rather keep my Mom at home and use the assets that would have to be paid down on my own for Mom.
For me, it has become a suck it up buttercup yet my siblings want to know everything that is going on with Mom.
"John answered them all, saying, “I baptize you with water, but he who is mightier than I is coming, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire."
If it was me and my sisters walked away from their mother and father, I would simply tell them that you have it all under control and they need not worry. they choose to step aside from the issue and now its in your ballpark and you will handle it all. my situation was some what the same. my sisters four of them choice to walk out of the parents lives since they were to busy with their own families. so i took on the task and i am very happy that i did it alone without them. i did what i felt was in the best interest of them and had to answer to no one as parents were really declining fast. i moved in with them and loved them to the very end AND i do not regret one minute of it. they passed away a few months ago. dad first and mom three weeks later. i miss them so much. my sisters have not called once and they were not informed of my parents deaths. if they cared they would of been their for them.....
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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I am at peace with this but occasionally I will start wishing things were different... I so need someone to appreciate all I have given up to care for them, all the stress I am under, the grief at slowly losing my parents. I am always disappointed when I raise my expectations of them.
You can only adjust your expectations, refocus your thoughts. Anger and resentment could only hurt you and not them.. they are going about their carefree lives and probably not even with a thought of your anger.
Disgusted.. I also wrote a letter just like you did.. but did not send it and i do have a copy of it. I think you are right that you can try to explain till you are blue in the face and they will not get it... they don't want to get it.
Periodically I feel as if I have everything under control then something will happen to pull the rug out from under me and I can feel the anger rising up in me.. well... at least I am aware of it and can try to refocus..it sure isn't easy.
Hugs to all who are working on controlling your anger and resentment. These feelings take a lot of energy and attention which could be focused on something more positive.
I am so sorry to read about your situation, but I'd like to welcome you to my club.
A week ago this past Monday (my siblings cut me out of the circle of trust because my older sister had been lying to them as well as my step-siblings) my siblings dumped EVERYTHING in my lap to handle!!
My step-sister called to inform me that my older sister had moved out of Mom's home 2 weeks prior (both parents have dementia, Mom's is worse); she and my brother decided that they no longer wanted the responsibility.
I too had posted a question very similar to yours and although very nice postings, it still hurts and my anger has increased.
I have been researching, talking with attorneys about what they were doing and now what they did.
1. My sister can be arrested for abandonment of elderly persons
2. She had not taken them to their doctor since November
3. Mom is incontinent and she was not making Mom bath or change her undies or clothes.
3. She attacked my step-father and claims he was the attacker. He has told Mom's 2 brother, my daughter, me and 2 social workers the exact same story never waivering wird by word of what happened.
4. I am here in my home State trying to get my copy (unsigned) of my Durable POA to take over the job; my POA gives me more responsibilities than they had.
5. 1 of the attorneys I spoke with suggested i ask my siblings to provide me with notarized statements that they would not contest my decisions regarding Mom. I legally do not have to tell them anything, but I thought this would be a good thing as well as letting them know they can ask me anything about what is happening.
Older sister, although she hasn't done it yet, agreed. Brother finally agreed, his is on the way, BUT younger sister (a felon) demanded
A) it must be stated that Mom's Estate be divided equally
B) that I provide her a copy of the DPOA before she signs any thing, although she made sure to tell me that DPOA stops upon death
I told her that I can't do A. Should I even stick my hand in that cookie jar
* ONLY MOM CAN DO THAT AND THE DPOA HAS NOTHING TO WITH THAT
* If I did anything like that, I would be arrested, charged with a FELONY, GO TO PRISON
* I have to answer to a Judge with every single penny spent and show with receipts etc to account for what I have claimed I have done with Mom's money
* she could go online to read what a DPOA can/can't do
*haven't heard from her since
I have been researching EVERYTHING according to State Law; so far I am within my rights to take care of Mom WITHOUT their permission
I'm here with my step-siblings who are working together to do the same for their dad and helping me.
My Uncle, Mom's youngest brother, is doing everything he can to help me.
My older sister can also be charged with unhealthy conditions of the house.....they have had bed bugs which have become so bad, they are coming out during the day.
God bless my 1 step-siblings who has the means, is having the house serviced (today is the 2nd treatment because not all of the bugs were killed. I had to provide Orkin permission to drill holes in the walls for a special treatment to get the ones that are living behind paneling and in the dry wall.
We talked with a social worker and in-home care person who basically told us that if the State helps with in-home care, the State has the right to charge the Estate, place a lien on Mom's house for reimbursement!
No!! I am not going to give the State anything of what my Mother/step-father worked all their lives for to care for themselves in the very late lives.
I will be placed as a signer on their bank accounts so as to make sure their Bill's are paid as well as being able to do investigations as where their money has gone in the last few years.
They have bills that have not been paid and taxes for 2017 have not been paid and I don't know about past years.
My daughter, an RN, is helping me with information about garments that are healthier for Mom and in-home caregivers that are better than the ones I talked with 2 years ago.
GOD BLESS MY STEP-SIBLINGS. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT THEM.
They are taking care of the house issue etc and I will be taking care of the finances
GREAT NEWS, I JUST RECEIVED A TEXT FROM YOUNGER SISTER WHO HAS AGREED TO PROVIDE ME WITH THE NO CONTEST STATEMENT!!!
Right now, I'm working to get the things done that should have been at the very least 2.5 years ago.
Deep breaths, try to legally remove them from the situation, CRY, find someone to just express you emotions and be there for you.
Everyday is going to bring something new..trust me, Mom has told me she hates me, get back on the bus and leave, they don't need help, aggressive verbally with both me and Belinda.
IT IS HARD, SO HARD AND HARDER COMING INTO THE TIME THAT THE VERY MAJOR DECISIONS HAVE TO BE MADE ON MY OWN SINCE THEY NO LONGER WANT TO BE INVOLVED AND WAUTING TO SEE WHAT THEY GET WHEN MOM DIES.
PRAY if you believe in a higher authority. It is tough and will become harder.
Stay strong and you will be blessed.
My sister who was "taking care" of Mom moved out 2 weeks prior, but she didn't tell anyone...I think it was due to her knowing Adult Protective Services was and is looking for her.
Now, after accusations of my wanting to place Mom in a home and taking everything she has; my siblings have washed their hands of it.
My step-siblings and me are doing everything we can to help my Mom and step-father.
I went home to AZ, took Mom to the doctor and Mom has Alzheimer's 3 which is caused by her diabetes attacking her brain.
Spoke with several agencies who deal with Medicare and Medicaid. That is basically a reverse mortgage scam.
Mom needs 24/7 care or doctor will place in a assisted living facility. Medicare/Medicaid will only cover 1 month. To qualify for long term assistance, all the assets your parents will have to be "paid down" until they only receive $6000 a month.
THEN after the parent dies, the State will place a lien on the home and any other assets. The State provides but in the end it all has to be repaid.
Shocker, doesn't matter that all of the years Mom paid into much less all of us, have to pay back what is provided by the State.
I'd rather keep my Mom at home and use the assets that would have to be paid down on my own for Mom.
For me, it has become a suck it up buttercup yet my siblings want to know everything that is going on with Mom.
"John answered them all, saying, “I baptize you with water, but he who is mightier than I is coming, the strap of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire."
task and i am very happy that i did it alone without them. i did what i felt was in the best interest of them and had to answer to no one as parents were really declining fast. i moved in with them and loved them to the very end AND i do not regret one minute of it. they passed away a few months ago. dad first and mom three weeks later. i miss them so much.
my sisters have not called once and they were not informed of my parents deaths.
if they cared they would of been their for them.....