APS & the FED bankers got involved, Help? I am my mother's middle child and have a special closeness with her. She met a man after divorcing our father and we began to worry from the very start. She was living in a beautiful home in Newport Beach and he was living on a friend's boat. So she moved him into her home! They are heavy drinkers and everyday was a party day because no one had to work. My father was very generous with my mom when they got divorced. And it made her a perfect target for some scumbag looking for a meal ticket. My mom is very naive and my dad did everything for her. She is now 79 years old and her mental capacity is rapidly declining. My sister, brother, 3 aunts and one uncle have all seen her physically in person and agreed that my mom is not doing well. But nobody really knows what to do. My mom takes a lot of prescription medication, drinks daily, has fallen several times and has some diminished mental capacity. So it's hard to determine why she can't remember anything and acts completely confused when we talk about her finances. My best guess is that if we could wean her off these meds, stop drinking and then do and evaluation she would be in much better shape than she is in right now. Of course, I would need her cooperation to do this and she refuses to. Assuming her mental capacity diminishes even further and faster then I need to get a copy of her most recent trust, will, advanced healthcare directive and POA. I tried to get social services involved the last go around and they paid mom a visit but she had calmed down by then and her husband put the fear of God into her to keep her month shut. The Banks filed SAR's (suspicious activity reports) and I thought I would hear something there. But we are at our wit's end. Bottom line: I've been told that without my mom's cooperation there is not much we can do. Last resort is involuntary conservatorship and going through the courts to gain control over her health and finances. I soooooo don't want to do it.
Is there any person in her life that she trusts? Your dad? A minister or priest? Her lawyer, or her financial advisor?
I'm wondering if you were to engage a financial planner (fee for service NOT commission based, and rock solid honest and recommended by someone), or, an eldercare attorney, if she doesn't have an attorney, would she listen to advice from someone like that? In the presence of her husband of course; someone who has been clued in to what is going on?
Someone with a background in forensic accounting perhaps?
Mom's money is there to take care of mom.
If stepdad is siphoning off funds and that means that mom is going to have to go to a non luxurious facility paid for by Medicaid, then maybe that's the information you should be pitching to her. NOT that she needs to "preserve her etate" for her heirs
This is such the dilemma of caregiving. At what point, does the family come to terms that all financial sources/assets be used for the aging parent versus the aging parent paying for others, even family members, that allegedly are providing the best current caregiving option for now.
Financial adviser is a great place to start, and not just one that is word-of-mouth i.e. my friend uses this one. I really think sometimes talking to a brand new person of your choice offers the best clarity to put all issues on the table, but best thing to do, imho, assess as much as possible, the sources of income, asset value, real estate assets value, other savings, retirement accounts, insurance policies. It is time-consuming, but research first and get 90% of what you think, including facts like last legal document updated 10 years or 1 year ago, it was a will, or it was a trust. Facts first, then action second: financial adviser, and then your journey begins.
Being proactive and have perseverance are the main attributes, and even after years of being organized you might find more that need to be done financially or based on health choices. Obviously, lowest cost, best care are the greatest ideas. Engage, and good luck!