Its hard for me to be there for her when I'm also depressed and would rather do nothing all day but let the world go by. Sometimes, I only have enough energy to do housework and keep mom clean, fed, and in clean clothing. She needs almost 100% physical assistance (she can feed herself). Mom is 85, and I'm 55. I'm her sole caregiver and have been doing this for almost ten years. I'm an only "child," and we only have one relative that visits us about two or three times a month, usually at my request. I don't get respite. I'm paid to work with mom through an agency for 40 hours a week. My boss always says she'll find respite for me, but she never comes through. There are no friends or relatives that offer to help. I am able to get out for an hour or two at a time on days when mom is healthy enough to be left alone. Usually I do groceries or go to a few stores --- or once in a great while, I'll go to a movie. We pool her social security and my wages together to get by. I can't afford to get counseling, and mom doesn't want it for herself. She is in the moderate stages of dementia, to the point that her short term memory is almost non-existent, and she's starting to mix up her long term memories, now. What she doesn't remember, she fills in with pieces of other memories. Its hard for us to converse. She has muscular dystrophy and can't walk. She either sits/sleeps in an electric lift recliner, or in her hospital bed. I can't get her interested in anything. She says her life has no purpose. I can't give her life purpose. She lives with me in my home. I have no husband or children. She used to like to get in her wheelchair and work with me around the house, doing small, easy tasks like folding clothes, arranging shelves, helping me with recipes -- and we used to play dominoes. She's forgotten how to play, so we play by her rules. I'm not helping her at all these days, because I'm selfish and don't like to play games, and I often don't interact with her much because of my depression and having to keep the house kept up, dress her, bathe her, and all of that -- and I get tired. My health isn't the best; I also have inherited the muscular dystrophy and my muscles are getting slowly weaker. I'm not writing this because I want sympathy -- I just feel really bad that I don't have the energy or inclination to keep her entertained. We don't like the same things. She also can't watch much t.v. anymore, because she can't keep up with the captions -- so there's about 90% of the channels gone. I try to explain to her what's going on in a movie or show, but she eventually gets frustrated and wants to shut the t.v. off. Television was one of favorite pass-times. Now most of her days are spent sleeping, or just sitting there, not wanting to do anything, either. Yesterday, she offered to separate coins for me, so we could put them in rolls (she can do that). She started and then decided to throw them back in the coin bank. I was about to sit with her and work together. I feel responsible for her wanting to die. I lose my patience with her on occasion, and that doesn't help. There are no adult day care centers in our area, and she wouldn't go, anyway. She doesn't really like people and she's mean to them on the phone. Her dementia has made her this way. She has nothing good to say about anyone, and I've had to do a lot of apologizing on her behalf. Now winter is here and she can't go out. I guess I'm just venting and should have put this in the discussion section. Forgive me for rambling. I don't want to die; I'm just generally depressed. No worries about me. Please be kind with your responses. Sarcasm and snappy answers won't help. I know that we are the only ones who ultimately must get ourselves out of this, but I'm just venting. Putting her in a nursing home is not an option, unless she gets so bad that she asks for it. I promised her that I'd never put her in one. Thanks.
Too bad Mom can't move into a continuing care facility where she would be around people of her own generation.... they would have a lot to talk about :)
My Dad eventually moved into Memory Care and he really liked it there, in fact there were more fellows in that wing of the building then in the independent living section. Thus, Dad had the same guys to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with. Plus he enjoyed the attention he was getting from the Staff. And he liked his physical therapy as that helped to break up his day.
I see you promised your Mom never to put her into a nursing home... was that promised made back when Mom was active, mobility and much more independent? We tend to do that we can't see ahead on what dementia can do to a person. You Mom now needs a higher level of care.
Even though you "work" 40 hours a week, you are actually working 168 hours per week if you live under the same roof.
I would be a little more aggressive with the agency that employs you, they owe you vacation time at the very least , and they can find someone to cover those shifts just like with any other employee.
I find that my mom can play simple "matching games" for a short amount of time, the sort of match the pocture games we played when we were little. Do you have access to nature shows, or animal shows on TV?
There's no continuity necessary for following a plot; just watch and enjoy the romps and activities of the little fur balls as they grow up. If you have a way of taping them, you could do so and play them over again, especially when she or you become depressed.
Listen to music as well; it helps combat depression. Perhaps fix her a cup of tea or her favorite drink, sit and just listen to the music.
I too would be more forceful in getting the agency to provide respite care.
As to your mother's loss of interest in life, I think it's understandable, just as it's understandable that you're overwhelmed and depressed yourself. Perhaps you could ask yourself what you would want to do with or say to your mother that would make the most of the time she has left.
Not all seniors that move to continuing care socialize? They either isolate themselves or don't bother others.