Mom has not been home since she went in nursing home over a year ago. Yesterday she asked if she could come home for an overnight stay on Christmas Eve. She is incapable of doing anything for herself like walking to bathroom. She's on oxygen 24/7 and I have no equipment. She has slight dementia where some days she makes up wild stories other days she knows they were stories. My husband works 300 miles away and will be home for 3 days and then I'm leaving to go with him for 10 days. I love my mom and want her to be with us but I'm not sure I can do everything I need to and take care if her too. I am cooking dinner and she will be unable to be in area where I need to be to cook because of stairs. She asked me yesterday on the 20th anniversary of loosing my dad. So I feel like if I don't will I regret it. She is 71 and I'm an only child. This may sound awful but I have been considering telling her nh won't allow it now and try for the first time later when it's not so hectic. I seem to always be feeling guilty about something these days. I work full time or she would still be with me here at home.
From your description of your mother's medical needs, it is not possible for you to do everything needed to take care of her too. Given the realities of the situation it does not sound awful to tell her that the NH won't allow it and they wouldn't. I don't think that I'd make her any promises about the future. You have not done anything to feel guilty about, but you might need to talk with someone about that guilt and why you are feeling that way. Prayers, hugs and love to you.
I took my dad out for Christmas because I thought that was what was expected of me. He too had oxygen. And his incontinence didn't magically clear up because he was outside the nursing home, I had to stay on top of it all day. I know it was nice for my dad to be with his family but it was a very long day for both of us. Had I been the one hosting I couldn't have done it.
I think guilt goes with the territory when we have an elderly parent in a nursing home and it shouldn't. But for the time my dad was in the NH I felt guilty every day of my life. My dad had no idea I felt that way and he never tried to make me feel guilty, I just did. Ugh, I think about that time and I want to cry.
Be true to yourself and don't let that guilt creep up on you. If you have to cook and host Christmas you can't care for your mom at the same time. Most people who are in NH's don't leave for the holiday. Their family brings the holiday to them because it's so much easier that way.
You are not the bad guy. You are not a miracle worker either.
Do what is SAFEST for her, not what she wants you to do.