My mother has always had a close relationship with our youngest son who is about to turn 21. He is extremely attentive and devoted to her even though he is a full time college student living half way across the company. She constantly lays guilt trips on him complaining that he no longer has time for her. To make matters worse, she is extremely jealous of his best friend, a girl so close to him that my husband and I call her our "pretend daughter". My family lives close to my parents while my only sibling lives on the other side of the country. My parents are in their early 70's and in fairly good health but my mother seems to sometimes use her bad back as an excuse for not wanting to do things or I feel, for attention. Back is totally fine when she wants to do something, sudden "attacks" when she doesn't want to do things.
Things came to a boil recently when my son invited his friend to spend one night at my parents' shore house. My mother went ballistic claiming she was not asked beforehand (which is true, but my son has had her stay there many times in years past and I had spoken to my father about it and he said no problem). To clarify, this friendship is not a sexual thing, my son is gay. Anyway, when they arrived my mother was flat out rude complaining that she really did not want his friend to stay, while the poor girl was right in the next room. This progressed into a downright temper tantrum with my mother crying, calling me up on the phone swearing (which is totally out of character) and leaving everyone in tears. This girl regards my parents as her second grandparents. The girl's family has hosted my parents many times. The girl has come on multiple vacations with my family and we have known her for over 8 years.
I feel all of this stems from my mother's jealousy of my son having his own life and spending time with friends instead of her. He is a wonderful, respectful child and her actions and guilt hurt him deeply. Another of his friends was present when this all happened, so he was also extremely embarrassed by his grandmother's childish behavior. The friend did end up spending the night, my son took everyone out to dinner and they had a wonderful time but I find this behavior horribly rude, petty and far from being a gracious host. How can I help my mother realize she is driving him away, he has a right to his own life and that she needs to stop making him feel guilty and stressed out? She feels there is nothing wrong with the way she acted and my sister (who lives far away) is backing her up.
My mother was also drinking "some wine for her back" at the time and I plan to address the alcohol issue with her, but she has acted similarly when sober so I can't truly attribute the behavior to that.
I think the approach I would take with your son and "daughter" is that there is something wrong with Grandma. You are not sure what it is, and you hope that working with Grandpa you can help solve the problems she is having. But that in any case it is NOT THEIR FAULT, no matter how much poor Grandma may try to make them feel guilty. You are proud of their patience. Meanwhile, I would suggest that they pull back just a bit, perhaps eliminate any overnights, and give her space to heal.
As for the sister who lives far away, and who only gets a first-hand view from one side, I would dismiss her opinion out of hand. It is just so much easier to assume Mother must be right than to recognize that something might be wrong. Try not to drag Sis into this or discuss these kinds of issues with her, except in the context of expressing concern about some changes you've noticed in Mother lately.
As for Mother, how can you make her realize she is driving your son away, he has a right to his own life and that she needs to stop making him feel guilty and stressed out? Well, frankly, I don't think you can. If her behavior is triggered by medical problems, getting that addressed is what will help. If her behavior is totally under her control then she will just have to accept the consequences. If she asks why your son is not coming around so often, you can offer a gentle explanation, but I wouldn't expect a dramatic change on her part.
I have had to learn the hard way that I can't "fix" other people's relationships. You can't protect your son from seeing his grandmother at her childish worst. You can offer possible explanations and you can assure him over and over that her behavior is not his fault. But you can't turn it into the loving stress-free relationship you wish it were.
I wish you success in trying to help your mother if she has undiagnosed medical problems. I hope your father will be cooperative.
I also agree with Nancy that maybe your mom could be consulted as well in the future. Nevertheless, if your mom is dealing with dementia, it may not make a difference.
I'm assuming that your mom does know that your son is gay and the relationship with his dear friend is platonic. My heart goes out to you. Please stay in touch.
Sounds like there is a sense of entitlement here......
My mother (87) is jealous even of her own friends!! She would complain to me non-stop if her best friend was going out, or going away, with another friend -- it was so childish and immature that it disgusted me. She was only happy when this other friend died!!
It seems that the older they get, the more protective of those closest to them they become. She obviously feels that she "owns" the attention of your son, and anyone else he associates with is taking him away from her and she is lashing out at that.
Perhaps he can take her out for a nice meal in a neutral location and explain to her that now he is an adult and is himself entitled to associate with anyone whom he chooses. If this girl friend has been close to the family as you have said, and has been involved in family gatherings before, then there is no reasonable answer to why your mother is acting this way, unless she has always been like that ( you say no). Her medications definitely need reviewing.
Has she previously exhibited any characteristics of narcissism?
I also find that they play favorites with the grandchildren - this is what seems to be the case in your situation - and there are always one or two who bear the brunt of these elderly's demands (I know because my two daughters are constantly being harangued by my mother for a ride here, go to the bank for me, etc., etc., etc.)
You want to hear selfish? not to mention rude? My mother's bathing lady (HER bathing lady) just came in and asked me how my broken leg was......in the midst of telling her, my mother pipes up from her bedroom with "I'M the patient here!!" Sick or what!! I am tired of her selfish attitude, her sense of entitlement and the whole picture of how she behaves........
Why don't you counsel your daughters to sit down with their grandmother and in a cheery way have them explain that they are now grown (looking through a photo album from when they were young til now might help) and how they not only have their own lives, they are ENTITLED to, and that doesn't mean that they love their grandparent any less.......honestly what babies they turn into!! So immature, possessive, and childish!!
Just ridiculous.......not to mention that they think they can get away with this behaviour........!
around ppl her own age.
then everyone can Visit when they want to..
She also can have Wine there..It is alllowed and they Monitor it.
What you say to Mother about your daughters doesn't need to be driven by what Mother wants to hear or even about what your daughters would like You can decide to say whatever makes YOU feel best. If making excuses is the quickest way to difuse the situation and that makes you most comfortable, fine. If bragging about their independence pleases you, do that.
This is your house. They are your daughters. Please say whatever you want to about them.
I would just like to point out that it isn't an entire generation that behaves this way. Naturally the caregivers who have to deal with it are the ones who are most likely to seek support on a site like this and that tends to paint an unflattering picture of the elders.
Plenty of elders are not selfish or demanding. My mother is among them!
I am sorry you are going through this. I have never found a real clear answer