Moved away from Dad - Having a bit of a hard time.
Hi! I was blessed enough to find a job in the town my fiancé and his boys live. I have been here 4weeks. Dad is worried i'll never visit him (2hours away). I text him to just let him know i'm thinking of him. I am planning on going and spending sunday with him to catch up and do his bills. he is like he'll believe it when he see's it. i'm really enjoying being with my fiancé and boys. We are getting married in Sept. and putting the finishing touches on that. My dad called me drunk sat b/c he got the wedding invite. I know he wishes he could proudly Walk me down the aisle. Even though I told him I picked it so he can "roll" down next to me. In his mind its not good enough. he wanted to be walking by now. He's disappointed that i'm not going to have children of my own.
Im having a hard time in some ways. I used to go out once a week to help him, have dinner, ect. I'm enjoying not doing that but feel bad too. Just needed to talk it out here. Thanks!
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He is an independent living right now? Is there a possibility of moving him closer to where you will be living? If not right now, but when he recovers more. Maybe there's a place for him that is near your new location but not right around the corner, if you get my drift.
What is your dad's age? The time he called you when he was drunk, is it a common occurrence if he drinks much? Elders are subject to different forms of dementia for many reasons, but much drinking of alcohol can not only contribute to dementia but also to liver, pancreas and kidney problems. I hope drinking isn't a big part of his life.
He used to drink more. Not so much now. He wishes life would have been different. Nope but smoking is. Everyday in the house. You cant force someone to stop. He is in full mental control. He won't move to an asst home b/c they aren't nice and its in the city. He doesn't like city living. so he rents a farm house and has a morning aide. nobody at night. He won't recover he'll only get worse.
If he were completely rational however, he would tell you, I'm happy doing what I'm doing, go on daughter and live your life. But he isn't, is he? Admitedly he is in a pitiable situation, but the truly pitiful thing is that he can't see the stress he puts on you by trying to manipulate your behavior through control and guilt.
No amount of either free or costly therapy is going to help YOU resolve HIS issues. You must choose the healthy path of going on with your life the way you want it to be, do for him what you feel you can handle comfortably, and what you can't, just ask your dad how he would like you to get him help for that. When you are experiencing a relationship, such as with your dad, where there's really no true negotiation allowing you to help him in a way you can handle, you must make a unilateral decision to only do those things that you can and either help him to find a way to get the other things done or step back and let him figured that out himself.
1st - unless you and your fiance have discussed it and decided against it, you are still young enough do you have a child or to adopt. But whether you do or not, your husband to be's boys will be your children and maybe your father could get to know them as his grandchildren as well. My brother in law who married my sister when I was 12 copped an attitude about the lady his son, my nephew, married as she already had a son. He made a comment to me privately about wanting to see his new granddaughter but not wanting to have anything to do with my nephew's stepson. Always having been upfront with him, I cautioned him that moms are in charge of their children and if he wanted to have a relationship with his granddaughter, you better damn well make sure that he treated his step grandson with parity, else incur the wrath of the mother. Hint, hint.
2ndly, whatever disability benefits your father is deriving from being in the state he's currently in, that should become easier when he is 65 and his Medicare and social security will become more important than his disability benefits. Perhaps if you look into that a little bit before you discuss it with him, and you find that it would be more possible for him to move at that time, you could broach the subject with him as a possibility to look forward to a future move and the closer to you (with les inconvenience on your part). Even if he chooses to stay put, you have at least shown interest in him moving closer, and not doing it becomes a matter of his choice.
I've said before and I'm sure you read elsewhere that behaviors present during one earlier years seem to become magnified in the elder. It's just something we have to learn to cope with. I've also said that I don't believe TOUGH and LOVE belong in the same sentence. Granted it's a way of TEACHING people your boundaries and standing your ground. But those who are mentally challenged in any way do not really LEARN anything, so trying to teach them is just a little mean in my opinion. Better to just be light, airy, happy and as loving as you can be, and just change the subject, don't do what you don't want to do, what you're not comfortable with. And you don't have to have a big discussion about it. Your dad may not have dementia but he definitely has some mental problems. Try being a bit of a Pollyanna, see the good things in him and act like that's what he means, good things. Pivot away from anything you begin to perceive as ugly or bad. Smile, happy, turn, walk away, do something else.
You're one smart cookie to get far enough away from him that he can't continue to control your life by guilting you into doing far more for him than he needs - or that is good for him.
He gets state money to get him help and he spends it on other things? Well phooey on that! He doesn't do the therapy to help himself get better? Phooey on that too! That's NOT your responsibility. It's HIS.
I agree with the other suggestions that say set your boundaries and don't let your dad and his issues upset your or ruin your upcoming wedding. I'm 62 and can't imagine a man of your dad's age needing as much help as he says he needs from you if he doesn't have dementia. It's HIS responsibility to make himself happy, not yours. Go live your life and enjoy yourself - you deserve it! You've been a terrific daughter to your dad and he's lucky to have you. Let him act like the adult he is.
With my other job I lived close to him. 30 mins away and would leave work early to go to walmart with him. I wanted to do so many things with him to help him get more ability back but I realized you can't force someone. and even though they say the want to change. words and actions are two different things. it tears my heart up thinking we could have accomplished more but didn't. I did go see him last weekend stayed 5 hours. wrote bills, had a visit, and little things. He hasn't ordered his night boots that I looked up tons of info on the last few years. But he did manage to get online and win an auction for a dresser he doesn't need. He said he's kicking himself and he's in $ trouble. It went well overall. He asked me if I could put off my wedding for another year so he could get ready for it. He knows I've already sent out invites. I've made sure the church can work for his wheelchair.
After visiting with him I sometimes get alittle mentally drained. He has his finger in so many pies he can't get done what he needs too.
Listen to your doctor and limit your time with your dad. As long as you're his crutch, he won't try to help himself - he'll wait for you to knock yourself out trying to do it for him. You're a good person and you need to live your life and be happy and let your dad take care of his own happiness. He truly doesn't deserve you as a daughter.
he wants to ride a horse. I have a friend who has a therapy ranch 50mins away. oh well his van and he doesn't want to take my time up. what? I find a place closer. I need him to get the medical form signed by his doctor. nope he doesn't do it. but tells me he wants to ride a horse. I said why didn't you get the paper signed then he "forgets" he was supposed to do that. And lots of other situations like this. I moved used up my savings to work one on one with him. But he used me up instead cooking, cleaning, bills, ect. When I would get him to the pool to swim I had to change him myself and it was a lot of energy. Then i'd still have to cook dinner and help him to bed. I asked him to get more help but somehow it never happened.
He so likes to blame others for his problems. Smoke another smoke and drink coffee and talk about how we all have "screwed him" . he can be very positive but it still hindges on others for him to do things.
Debralee -Part of me likes to think with therapy and surgery he could walk again. I don't know now its been 13 years since his accident. he has a lot of promise in the start but now? I don't know. He was in a car accident. He blames the hospital b/c they didn't give him a steroid shot in the neck it swelled and by the time they sent him to craig hospital damage was done. he has a c5-c6 injury.
I love him and try to help it just breaks my heart b/c I wanted to help him get back more of himself. I feel like its my fault somehow and yet I know its not. I have to accept his decisions.
I will keep living life. Thanks so much for all your comments and thoughts!