Follow
Share

Just for background, I’m 24 and I’ve lived with my grandparents since I was born. They brought me home from the hospital and I’m very grateful for having them in my life. They do have two kids, which is my mom and my uncle and they’re very well off. I’ve kind of made a promise to myself to take care of them in the best that I can. My sister also lives here with me as well. I’m seeking advice because over the past couple of years my grandpa has started to show signs of dementia and has started medication for it and while I love my grandparents very much it’s been really hard on me. I don’t get a lot of sleep at night and I do work 10 hours a day to try to help support them as well financially. My-30 year-old sister lives here and doesn’t really take on a lot of the responsibility of caregiving and the financial burden, when she can’t pay her portion, I do have to pick up the slack. I love my grandparents very much but my Grand Father needs total care and can’t really even use the bathroom by himself. He stays up all night screaming and my grandma gets really frustrated with him. I guess I’m just trying to figure out. Would it be selfish of me to want to move out? I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that I have paid my debt to them and it’s time for their children to pick up the slack now. I guess I would just feel guilty if they were to decline once I leave because I do everything they go to the store help them pay their rent and move things around the house, but it’s going to be a lot on me emotionally because I feel like I’m losing a lot of my life. It just makes me very emotional tear up, thinking about it. Any advice helps.

Find Care & Housing
Your Grandparents are full grown adults. It is their responsibility (and has been all along) to plan for their own care in their declining years and not *assume* someone into that very serious burden. You are too young and have not lived your life yet so you should absolutely not become their caregiver -- and 2 people no less.

Sounds like your Grandpa actually may now need medication for his agitation so that your Grandma can deal with him better and for his own ability to function. I think moving out is good (and don't move in with your BF please, for multiple reasons that are not even religious) and start flying on your own. Yes, it will probably shock and disappoint clueless relatives but expect it and do not let it deter you. You don't owe them any explanation. Simply tell them you wish to live idendepently and build your own life while you have the opportunity. It's their problem to solve (not even your Mom's and Uncle's) and as long as you live in that house you will be their only solution. You need an emotional boundary and a physical boundary.

Don't let them pressure, threaten or guilt you into staying. Make the plans to move out discretely, get them in place THEN tell them. Don't tell anyone in advance but give them 2 weeks before you actually move. No more than 2 weeks.

Move out and move on.
(7)
Report

It sounds like you are on the way to starting your life, in a good way.
24 is a good time to be leaving the home you've known for all these years.

Not selfish at all. It's what people do. Your Grandparents are your family, there is no debt. It is the most normal thing to do, leaving the nest.

Start dreaming of a good place to live and work on your own. You can visit.

Take your own advice, without any guilt.
(4)
Report

Excellent advice from Geaton.
(1)
Report

I agree completely with Geaton. Quietly make your plans, and then leave. Tell your grandparents thank you and goodbye. Let your sister, your mom, and your uncle know that you'll be dropping by to visit the grandparents, but not taking on any of their needs anymore. Don't let anyone guilt-trip or pressure you to change your mind. Any loving parent or grandparent would WANT you to be out of your own, enjoying your young adulthood and building your own life.

You could call Adult Protective Services when you move out, and ask them to do an evaluation of your grandparents' situation. They can determine what next action to take, if any.

In particular, keep your own money for your own needs. Living independently is exhilarating but also will bring new expenses. You've earned your freedom, now take it! Let us know how it goes. A lot of us here will be rooting for you.
(4)
Report

You say your Gparents are "very well off", so why do they not hire a caretaker for Gfather? Or if you meant your Mom and Uncle are well off they can help with this if they wish to. You need to move on with your life while you are able to enjoy it. Good luck with this.
(1)
Report

Your grandfather does need a full medical and cognitive evaluation and better medication for his screaming. This is not something you can provide. He, your grandmother, your mother, and your uncle are all better suited to make this happen. Your move may prompt them to look at their situation in a fresh way and get the additional help that he needs.
(0)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter