Hello. Well my 82 year old father passed away last Sunday June 7th at 3 p.m. I had moved back in to he and my mothers house to help with his care giving. He was diagnosed 5 years ago with Congestive Heart Failure and the beginning stages of Dementia. He had been sleeping a lot at this point but would still take short walks around the block and would engage in his family life with here at the house with us with my mother and myself and his 5 year old grandson at the time. He starting a steady decline from this point on. We had avoided any ER trips until Jan. 2018. He stayed in the ER after a fall and then he ended up staying in Assisted Living Rehab facility for 90 days. We would go visit him a few times a week usually. We brought him home and the next two and a half years have been a mix of a few months staying at home with us, then an ER trip and more time in the Assisted Living. He was bedridden for pretty much the past two years. The last 3 months here at the house he had been sleeping all day and night. He was at the point where he is double incontinent so we were changing diapers and the sheets all the time. I had to physically pick him up and get him in his shower chair and help with the shower. He was doing the opposite of what we would ask like please let go of the shower rail. He would grab harder. We know it wasn't his fault it was the dementia. However we have been going through a lot this year both my Mom and I so it would get frustrating at times. I feel the past couple weeks before his death we were short with him at times. But we had to be. He wouldn't shower, or let me change his diaper or most anything we asked. It's been horrible seeing him deteriorate like this. He was such a strong and intelligent man, and to see him wither away like this was heartbreaking. The past week he was hardly eating nor drinking. He wouldn't open his mouth like he was being defiant. I went into his room last Sunday around 3 p.m. and I had a cup with a protein shake I had made with milk. I told him Pops you have to drink this, come on now. I straightened him up in the bed and he drank half of the shake. I wiped his lips with a napkin and gave him the rest of the shake. Almost immediately he kind of made a coughing sound and looked over towards me. He never closed his eyes again. I was like come on Pops knock it off. I thought he was doing that on purpose like he had before. I felt for a pulse. I didn't feel anything. I went to get my Mom out of the other room. The blood pressure machine showed no pulse. My Mom didn't want him resuscitated. She said that was not living the way he was now and that he wouldn't want to live like that. He and I had had a up and down relationship over the years. I used to get into trouble and I can understand now why he would be upset with me. But we really put all our differences aside about 15 years ago and were really enjoying each others company a lot. I had never seen anyone die right in front of me before, and for it to be my Dad who I just gave the protein shake to has me feeling guilty. What if I hadn't given him the protein shake. I know he was at the end of his life because of the illnesses but damn I've been waking up in the middle of the night seeing him take that last gasp looking at me. I also feel guilty that we were a bit short with him the past 3 weeks or so because he was being so combative towards us just taking care of him. Thanks for listening to my rant. I just really really needed to vent. I've got to be here for my Son and my Mom now. And I will. But right now I feel crushed.
Your Dad's last memory of you is your providing nourishment and love. He passed in his home and in his bed. I know that is what both my parents want.
Give yourself time to grieve, but please know that nothing you did hastened his death.
Regarding his end while drinking the shake. He didn't die alone, he died while his son was at his side giving his father not just the drink but also showing his love. Your father new that. Don't dwell on that last moment, a moment where you were trying to give comfort, nothing else.
Now it's time to be there for your mother. Use what you've learned from taking care of your father to bring happiness to her life. Look back and be proud of what kind of person you became taking care of father. Remember, he is forever grateful.
Please think about his long life, that you stood with your Mom to do the right things for him when he needed you. Also, know your Mom is right to have recognized it was his time to let go. All the stubborn behavior your Dad displayed even though he had dementia was his way of wanting you to let go.
Too often we put our elders in a position of continuing a life that they no longer want to live.
Sorry for your loss. What a blessing to be with your dad when he died, It was his time and glad he was not alone. I am sure it was a frightening experience to witness your dad passing. We have all been short with our loved ones, it is perfectly normal. I myself was short tempered with my dad before he died four days later. He wanted a small glass of milk, very precise 1/2 glass, I brought 3/4 and he got upset. I told him not to worry about it and drink up. I never spoke to my dad like that, I highly respected him all my life and loved him so much and I felt guilty, but moved on because it was not a big deal. I was worried about my dads illness and not the milk amount. I love my mother and I get short with her on occasion. I hope you find peace and joy in your memories of your dad and the care you so lovingly provided. God bless you!
That said, it's horrible to witness someone's death, no two ways about it. And the human mind wants to dwell on traumatic last images of pain and suffering rather than positive images, isn't that the truth? When I think of my father, I automatically think of his labored 'death rattle' breathing at the end of his life. I have to consciously STOP thinking of that memory and change it to something positive, like remembering him laughing over a joke or enjoying the sweet potato pie I made him one time. It takes effort to do that, but you must in order to get past this traumatic event that took place.
Remember your dad in his robust years. Remember all the wonderful things you DID do for him, and stop dwelling on the few times you were short with him. Dementia is horrible and my mother drives me UP THE WALL with her arguing every word I say, so I'm short with her myself. We need to remind ourselves we're human, after all, and not perfect.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with your crushing grief. Check out Elisabeth-Kubler Ross books on the subject of grief; she is wonderful.