My FIL has died, nearly a year to the day since my MIL died...
Got the call around an hour ago, my FIL has gone to be the Lord. It was not really a surprise, as he has been on hospice around 5 weeks and when he was discharged from the hospital to the nursing home we were told he likely wouldn’t survive by a few months. He wasn’t actively dying as far as we knew though. He did pull his feeding tube out twice in the last 5 days though. I think he was telling us something there.
The irony of it all though. June 1 marks 1 year without my MIL. Really stinks. It sucks. This week has been a week of reflections and reliving final week on earth. A year ago this very week, we knew the end was near but her partner did not tell us that she wasn’t going to live through the weekend. So we were a bit blindsided when we got THE CALL. That Thursday evening, we took the kids to boot barn because the youngest had a “western” theme show at school on Friday morning and it was western day for the whole school and they encouraged the kids to wear western wear. So we went to boot barn and spent $300 on cowboy boots and hats. I tell ya.....had my MIL not been dying, my husband would have never spent that kind of money on Children’s shoes!
We stopped at MILs house for a quick visit. I hadn’t seen her in a week for several reasons. The front curtain was closed so my husband had me stay in the car with the kids. He went inside and her partner came out the car and he was very anxious. He told me that her heart rate was high and her pulse was low and he was now giving her morphine on the hour. I did not know what all of that meant. He told me the nurse hadn’t told him anything. That was a lie. What he did not tell me was that she wasn’t going to make it through the weekend and that she was having cheyne stokes breathing. She was in her final hours, he knew it and he didn’t tell anyone.
The next morning, Friday morning around 7:30, as the kids were getting ready for school, my SIL called with the news that MIL had just passed. We didn’t tell the kids. My husband went to her house. I took the kids to school & then went to my MILs house, not sure if we would make it to my sons performance. the hospice nurse arrived to pronounce MIL dead just as I pulled up to the house. We sat around the living room in a daze for about an hour, crying. Relatives arrived, more crying. And then we went to my sons show and it was awful!! Just awful! I was so glad it was dark and no one could see me crying, lamenting over how my MIL was supposed to be there watching her grandson. Reminiscing on my daughters end of year kinder performance and how we had all gone together—my MIL, her partner, my husband and I. It was awful I couldn’t stand being there and felt such a horrible horrible sadness! I couldn’t get over the fact that my MIL should have been there! It was the first of many events she will miss. the first missed event was the day she died, it was just awful.
Yesterday the school sent out an email about this Friday’s kinder performance and again they encourage us to dress our kids in western wear. It was triggering and I immediately flashed back to last year and the trip to bootbarn, the last visit to MILs while she was alive and that awful Friday morning. And I thought to myself, nope no way. not going to bother with it this year. No western wear, thank you very much. Thank God we don’t have to go through this again this year.
And then shortly before 9pm, we got THE CALL telling us my FIL is no longer with us. You have all sorts of thoughts, when this happens-when a loved one dies. Random thoughts. Dark thoughts. right now I am thinking I am sure glad that we don’t have to sit through any school performances this week. I couldn’t handle it. It is damn hard when someone you love should be there and they aren’t.
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I remember when you lost your MIL and the pain her partner put your family through, and I can see where it is bringing up the grief of her loss again too, anniversaries are hard enough, and now your FIL's passing, it's very sad, at least now you know that he is no longer suffering and is free from pain.
I hope that soon you can get to a place of remembering them in happier times. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers, take care.
I lost my mom on June 1, two years ago. It does not seem possible. There really has not been grief for me. I cared for her for four years 24/7 and saw how the disease had completely ravaged her brain. She would not have wanted to live like that.
Mom's partner passed on their anniversary, also my mom's 90th birthday, seven months earlier. He waited for that day because it was their 10th anniversary, the magic number to SS and mom's benefit would have increased had her other income had not been disqualifying.
They are together as your MIL and partner are. They are with us every day, in another way.
Glad, that is so true, my MIL was at my son’s performance in spirit. At the time though, I was caught up on the lack of her physical presence. She was with us and she is always with us! June 1st is a sad day for both us. I did not take care of my MIL 24/7 the way you took care of your mom but I have moments regularly where I am in disbelief that she is gone. My heart goes out to you. I don’t even know if I am grieving or if I have grieved my MILs passing! There are moments where i’ll be sitting at a stop lighting looking at sky, thinking what a beautiful day it is and all of a sudden I’m in disbelief! thinking “wow, MIL is really gone from this earth, she’s not out enjoying this beautiful day. How did this even happen?”. There are a lot of moments where I can’t believe this has happened, that she has died! My FIL will be different as I really didn’t know him that well, he wasn’t a major part of our lives because of the distance. He’d only lived here for 10 months. Prior to that we only saw him once every few years. There was no bond between us but I am sad because he was supposed to be a part of our lives now but God had other plans.
Stacey, I am so sorry you’ve been through this too. I know losing one’s parents close together is a regular occurance but it is really hard to accept. It seems so unfair. And yes the grief stacked up is really something!
My FIL did not plan ahead. 2 months ago the decision was made to end treatment for his cancer & for him to go to in to long term care on hospice. He was told, we were told, he wasn’t going to survive but a few months. He picked my BIL to be his POA and handle all his affairs. I know that he was going to write out his final wishes while he was in the hospital but don’t know if he actually did it. He did not contact the mortuary and prepay for what he wanted. My BIL did not do anything either, he did not get access to the financials, he did not even suggest FIL get his affairs in order. IMHO he dropped the ball. After what we went through with MIL, he knew that with his dad dying soon, that end of life plans needed to be taken care of. I KNEW this was going to happen and that when he died, everyone would be expected to pay up. I knew it. So 2 weeks ago I asked my husband if anyone had talked to FIL about what he wanted and what he could afford and his response was “I guess that’s something my brother will have to take care of”. So today they went to the mortuary and just the cremation is going to cost $1300!! My husband said that the only reason he went was to make sure costs were kept down. I used that as the opportunity to ask who is paying and he said “it’s being split 3 always”. Color me livid! If I had any say in this, we wouldn’t pay a dime towards the cost. Let my BIL pay for it since he dropped the ball. He’s supposed try to get access to FILs bank account but that’s not gonna happen unless he has his online banking info. His POA ended upon death. So he’ll have to go to probate and petition to be executor of the estate before the bank will give him access to the account. FIL is a veteran so they can turn in the receipt to the VA and possibly get a small reimbursement. I say, let BIL
pay for it all and reimburse himself after he goes through probate. I already know.....he’s not going to rush to reimburse us once he gets access to the bank account. Ifnhe reimburses us at all. Actually my husband never said we would be reimbursed now that I think about it.
My Dad died on December 26, 2007, one day before Mom and Dad's 54th Wedding Anniversary and two days before Mom's Birthday--December 28th. So we ended up "celebrating" Christmas, Mom & Dad's Anniversary, and Mom's Birthday without Dad and then on December 30th, we had Dad's Funeral. In 2008, I told my brother that I was not going to be alone with Mom on December 26th-28th & that he had to be at our house during that time to help Mom get through the First Anniversary of Dad's death. That helped a lot.
Mom went to ER Dept (and was admitted to the hospital, and then 2 weeks later to the nursing home) the day after her Grandson's wedding in 2017 and she died the day after her Grandson's birthday in 2018. I don't know how it is affecting him as he has not talked to me about the correlations.
Again, I am so sorry at the loss of your Father-in-Law. Please stay with the Forum because you have such excellent insight to so many important questions and situations.
God Bless. {{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏
I've never believed in this "the show must go on" attitude when it comes to someone you loved dying. Putting on a brave face and all that. My family is famous for this. Ironically, I think we just followed my mom's example when my dad died. She carried on.......mind you she had no choice. She had been a stay at home mom. She had seven children she had to feed. Four of us, under the age of ten. She didn't have time to grieve properly.
But, cry and grieve like you should. I personally think that it's more healthy than the alternative.
All the best to you.
Deeanna my goodness, losing a loved one in between so many special days/holidays & having a funeral must have been very difficult to go through! I just can’t even imagine!!!! My heart goes to you.
Gershun, I’m so sorry for your loss. I too do not believe in the “show must go on attitude either”. I think, when MIL died, the show didn’t go on. We just did what we needed to do in order to get through the funeral. But yeah the show definitely didn’t go on. It feels like life actually stopped. And that’s ok. Nothing can ever prepare us for death. Nothing.
Turns out, my BIL didn’t bother to tell him the funeral arrangements had been made! Found that out this evening after my SIL called to discuss traveling to Texas in an RV. My BIL says he can’t afford the cost of renting one (we would all go in the RV and split the cost 3 ways). My SIL’s in-laws have an old RV that needs new tires so she suggested we all pitch in to get new tires put on. We would all be jam packed in to it also. (6 adults and 5 kids) And there wouldn’t be room to sleep so we would still have to stop and stay at hotels along the way. Not that I would sleep on an RV with all those people. And we’d be stuck with some really annoying kids that are gonna fight and act like jerks. (That includes my kids lol). Thanks but no thanks. It will take about 2.5 days to drive there and it’s a LONG, BORING, HOT drive. You basically drive through empty fields and deserts. There’s very little civilization. You don’t even drive through any major cities until you get to Amarillo Texas. We can fly, the 4 of us, for $1300 total, on a 3.5 hour non stop flight so I ain’t driving there. My husband doesn’t want to discuss anything, he wants to wait until tomorrow when he goes to his brothers house with his siblings to go through FILs stuff. He volunteered me to babysit so I wouldn’t be included in the discussions which royally pissed me off. So I asked him tonight what city he thought we would stay in and as usual he shut down any discussion about it and said he doesn’t even know when his dad is getting buried and that’s when I told him BIL posted the details on Facebook. He said he didn’t know that. I told him we needed to figure this stuff out because we have to be in Texas in 3 weeks and we are already in the Month of June and he said he was planning to discuss it with everyone tomorrow at BILs house so I called him on it and said I wouldn’t be part of the discussion then because I would be at SILs house. and then he said “well I don’t even know we’ll discuss it then”. Yeah whatever, I heard him tell SIL that they would talk about it then, after she asked him what he was thinking and he said he hadn’t thought about anything yet. Needless to say I know he doesn’t plan to discuss a god damned thing with me and if his sister wants to drive in old RV and pack us in like sardines and make everyone pay for new tires, he’s just gonna go along with that. I don’t know why he’s not thinking this through. He still can’t sit for long periods either so I don’t know why on earth he’s even considering driving! And I can’t even get him to discuss the dates we would be there! I don’t know why it matters what his siblings are doing. My BIL apparently can’t afford anything. He’s driving out the Saturday before and his wife is flying out on a different day and flying home too. And they are staying with an aunt.
Also found out my FILs truck is not paid off and even if they sell it, there won’t be any money left over. My BIL was supposed have sold it 2 months ago. He did put it on Facebook but he priced it $5,000 over the excellent condition private party blue book value. It’s not in excellent condition and it belonged to a chain smoker! I don’t know why my BIL doesn’t just call the bank and tell them where it is so it can be respossed? We really can’t sell iT if it’s not paid off and the owner is now deceased. And it’s registered out of state.