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Pamela thanks. I have cleaned up a whole lot of it, but she wants me gone, is emotionally and verbally abusive as well. (I moved from another state when she fell and broke her hip last April)She sees no problem with her lifestyle; in fact thinks that I and others are "putting on airs" because they bathe, wash dishes (she only rinses hers cold) and do their laundry. She has savings and SS but won't even buy food for me-I'm eating from the food bank as I am unemployed. I am so fed up I don't even want to see her. The rats? LOL maybe she sings them the them from "Willard".....
Sounds like a case for Dept of Social Services. If you're unemployed and she has savings, are you considering putting her in assisted living, or a NH? That sounds like it's becomming too much for you and for you to have to eat at a food bank, that's ridiculous. I don't even liie that thought.
Have the two of you talked about a NH. And to think you moved there to be with her. The things we do for our parents!
Thanks Pam. Moving was the worst idea I ever had-hindsight being 20/20....She is totally paranoid (has been for years) and won't give me or anyone POA, though I AM a signer on her checking account. Lotta money in it. (Did I mention I am the only child with no other relatives to help) Adult Protective sees me as the "problem" because I have cleaned up things somewhat; (if 50 year old carpets and crumbling everything can be called clean) and am "here" and therefore enabling her-they can't do anything unless I'm gone and things deteriorate. How does one do that to one's parent-and also I'm just about out of any savings so where would I go? Guardianship is expensive, and although a mean paranoid nutcase Mom is somehow able to rise to the occasion when it comes to her great love-her Money.....I have thought about withdrawing $$ for household repairs- but suspect this is illegal. She buys food for herself. Oh and NH??? She has sworn she will never ever go to one...I am dying here-everything I have ever saved for my adult kids is being spent.
Wow Nina I'm glad you've come to this website. I'm thinking it is just a matter of time before you get good advise and suggestions from the angels that have helped me through my ordeal.
I'm not sure I'd give up on Adult Protective Services quite yet though, I'm one for becomming a nuisance!
It is so sad the way she is treating you, I really feel for you. That's probably why you moved in the first place. Actually I'm contemplating moving back to Washington D.C. myself. I lived there for 6 years, and moved back after my mom had her first stroke in 2002. That one was nothing like this one she just had in October last year.
Hey can't you tell your mother how unfair she is being by not buying food for you, wait a minute.......who does the grocery shopping? if you go with her why not put YOUR items in there and tell her that YOU have to eat just like she does, hell insist on it!
Get out of there and meet some folks. Find a church, find a Pastor you can talk too. Churches have all kinds of social clubs where you'll be able to mingle and meet. At this point you need to be around people that are joyous and spirited so that some of rubs off on you, even if it is for a while.
Forgive me for taking so long, my mom called and asked me to bring her some lunch as I'm being sucked into her saga all over but that's a different thread.
What State are you in, google things to do, volunteer programs, Social Clubs, etc. Just by all means get out of there and spend time away from your mom.
Sounds EXACTLY like my mom. had I known then what I know now, I would have allowed Social Services to take her out of the filthy house and sell it for her care.
As it turned out, I moved across the country and lost my job to clean up her mess and fix her falling down house. It's 5.5 years later and now I'm still cleaning up her messes,
You have my sincerest love because I know what a living nightmare this s*** is.
Hang in there, we're here for you even though we are deep in our own doodoo.
Remember to laugh because this crap is tragic funny. (Mom just strolled out with a poopy Depends to show me. I'm gong to go get drunk.)
I had to sit back and blink for a minute!! Your issue is what i have been struggling with! I moved back from out of state when yeah, all that you said! Cept my mom has roaches, not rats. I think the total for this weeks eviction from my moms life is 6.. so far. Although I think I earned a freebie today by going out and buying a toilet auger after mom clogged the toilet for the 3rd time this week.
I think we have ALL earned our wings... so the next round should be free!!
Oh lord girlfriend. If you have a great relationship with your Mom do it. If not, think long and hard, and make sure all things legal are taken care of. I had several friends tell me that in the beginning and didn't listen. Depended on all that mushy "she's my Mother after all" stuff. I am in CA now, by way of New Mexico. ( I raised my family in the DC/VA area). I do things for myself with my darling puppy dog-walk on the beach, etc. I tal k to my grown kids (all supportive and preently not at all fond of their Grandmother) etc etc. My Mother takes the senior shuttle service to shop. I encouraged this because it gives her some meausure of independence which I think if great. For a while she bought groceries and I cooked for her. She seemed to like that (I always cooked things she could eat-although I'm a much more adventurous cook). Then she decided she couldn't "afford" food other than potatoes, eggs, some veggies and of course wine.( She has enough cheap wine stashed to last 6 months.) She decided she wanted to cook for herself and thats what does now. (Can you hear the sirens? She burns a lot of things.) Anyway thanks for being there, and the best of luck.
I'm also going through something similar with my 87 year old mom. I finally got my mom into assisted living, although I'm really gambling on how I'm going to pay for it. My mom has wasted all of her money buying multiples of expensive items - she has 2 keyboards, a small organ and a full size organ in former home. (She bought another one second hand for $200+ that didn't work, and had to pay someone to haul it away.) She hasn't used any of them more than 10 minutes. Now that she is in a small one room at the ALF, she wants to take the two keyboards and small organ with her. I could see taking one, but not all of them. She wants to put them in her closet. I come home from work every day and there are messages on my answering machine of all the things she "needs." Now, she wants the keys to the house (which I own) because "someone" is going to take her there and get the stuff she "needs." I'm at my wits end! I also am the only living child, and am on a shoestring trying to provide for her. I'd love to go visit with her, but every time it is a list of stuff she has to have, that she already has, but wants more of. She's only been in the ALF a week, but she won't do any activities. She sits all day and thinks of stuff, rather than get involved with others. I feel sorry for her, and feel guilty, but just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry, I am just so frustrated! I've tried talking, but she doesn't understand. Doctors give medication, then take her off medication, and I think they have given up. This has been going on for 11+ years now and I'm tired. Thank you for listening - just needed to vent.
You mentioned rats. You mentioned spending money that your kids need while mom has loads of money in the bank. Is either of those things tolerable or acceptable in any way, shape, or form? No, and No. Both of those things cross the line of decency. Part of dementia is that reasoning powers are lost, and people become unreasonable (or more unreasonable if they have been unreasonable all their lives) and therefore cannot make good decisions or perceive situations correctly. Wishful thinking takes over. Our laws and agencies err on the side of letting people make their own decisions, which has good points and bad. There may not be a solution during a certain phase of dementia where people are still physically able to do things and and cognitively moderately impaired, BUT - rather than guess at what you are and are not allowed to do with her bank accounts, get legal advice on that, maybe even via the APS people who know you and at least understand if not appreciate what you are doing for mom.
Tired daughter, your story is familiar. Mom would have kept buying stuff if she hadn't misplaced her QVC card (I found it, but just did not give it back to her) and at one point we had quite an uproar over some tea towels - I bought a couple that might have been similar enough, and fortunately they did the trick. They went right back home after I brought them in and showed them to her. She was worrying about keeping track of everything, that's what it was. She was always after me to get the lawn done again, or to get a new wig and bring more clothes that would not fit in the closet; I could not possibly get her all the stuff she wanted but I'd get one or two things, or bring a picture of how the lawn looked, and that was usually enough. That way, if she even remembered that I did not do something it was just a case of her dumb daughter not remembering it all :-). So bring one keyboard at a time, take it back home for safekeeping, just do whatever makes her feel she has something of what she wants and that she hasn't forgotten to take care of something. Maybe the home would even like to keep one of the keyboards out in the lobby?
My mother is obsessed with medicare and insurance. She has visited multiple of insurance professionals. She gets an answer that settles her OCD and by morning, she is on the same subject. She has a pile of insurance papers next to her and constantly goes through them. The answers are very simple, but she says she does not understand.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I have cleaned up a whole lot of it, but she wants me gone, is emotionally and verbally abusive as well. (I moved from another state when she fell and broke her hip last April)She sees no problem with her lifestyle; in fact thinks that I and others are "putting on airs" because they bathe, wash dishes (she only rinses hers cold) and do their laundry. She has savings and SS but won't even buy food for me-I'm eating from the food bank as I am unemployed. I am so fed up I don't even want to see her. The rats? LOL maybe she sings them the them from "Willard".....
Sounds like a case for Dept of Social Services. If you're unemployed and she has savings, are you considering putting her in assisted living, or a NH? That sounds like it's becomming too much for you and for you to have to eat at a food bank, that's ridiculous. I don't even liie that thought.
Have the two of you talked about a NH. And to think you moved there to be with her. The things we do for our parents!
I'm saying a prayer for you right now.
I'm not sure I'd give up on Adult Protective Services quite yet though, I'm one for becomming a nuisance!
It is so sad the way she is treating you, I really feel for you. That's probably why you moved in the first place. Actually I'm contemplating moving back to Washington D.C. myself. I lived there for 6 years, and moved back after my mom had her first stroke in 2002. That one was nothing like this one she just had in October last year.
Hey can't you tell your mother how unfair she is being by not buying food for you, wait a minute.......who does the grocery shopping? if you go with her why not put YOUR items in there and tell her that YOU have to eat just like she does, hell insist on it!
Get out of there and meet some folks. Find a church, find a Pastor you can talk too. Churches have all kinds of social clubs where you'll be able to mingle and meet. At this point you need to be around people that are joyous and spirited so that some of rubs off on you, even if it is for a while.
Forgive me for taking so long, my mom called and asked me to bring her some lunch as I'm being sucked into her saga all over but that's a different thread.
What State are you in, google things to do, volunteer programs, Social Clubs, etc. Just by all means get out of there and spend time away from your mom.
As it turned out, I moved across the country and lost my job to clean up her mess and fix her falling down house. It's 5.5 years later and now I'm still cleaning up her messes,
You have my sincerest love because I know what a living nightmare this s*** is.
Hang in there, we're here for you even though we are deep in our own doodoo.
Remember to laugh because this crap is tragic funny.
(Mom just strolled out with a poopy Depends to show me. I'm gong to go get drunk.)
lovbob
A toast to ya both!
I had to sit back and blink for a minute!! Your issue is what i have been struggling with! I moved back from out of state when yeah, all that you said! Cept my mom has roaches, not rats. I think the total for this weeks eviction from my moms life is 6.. so far. Although I think I earned a freebie today by going out and buying a toilet auger after mom clogged the toilet for the 3rd time this week.
I think we have ALL earned our wings... so the next round should be free!!
I am in CA now, by way of New Mexico. ( I raised my family in the DC/VA area). I do things for myself with my darling puppy dog-walk on the beach, etc. I tal k to my grown kids (all supportive and preently not at all fond of their Grandmother) etc etc.
My Mother takes the senior shuttle service to shop. I encouraged this because it gives her some meausure of independence which I think if great.
For a while she bought groceries and I cooked for her. She seemed to like that (I always cooked things she could eat-although I'm a much more adventurous cook). Then she decided she couldn't "afford" food other than potatoes, eggs, some veggies and of course wine.( She has enough cheap wine stashed to last 6 months.) She decided she wanted to cook for herself and thats what does now. (Can you hear the sirens? She burns a lot of things.)
Anyway thanks for being there, and the best of luck.
Tired daughter, your story is familiar. Mom would have kept buying stuff if she hadn't misplaced her QVC card (I found it, but just did not give it back to her) and at one point we had quite an uproar over some tea towels - I bought a couple that might have been similar enough, and fortunately they did the trick. They went right back home after I brought them in and showed them to her. She was worrying about keeping track of everything, that's what it was. She was always after me to get the lawn done again, or to get a new wig and bring more clothes that would not fit in the closet; I could not possibly get her all the stuff she wanted but I'd get one or two things, or bring a picture of how the lawn looked, and that was usually enough. That way, if she even remembered that I did not do something it was just a case of her dumb daughter not remembering it all :-). So bring one keyboard at a time, take it back home for safekeeping, just do whatever makes her feel she has something of what she wants and that she hasn't forgotten to take care of something. Maybe the home would even like to keep one of the keyboards out in the lobby?