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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Can you tell us mire about your situation? Do you think that you can keep you mother alive forever? It's unrealistic to think that way, but lot of us strive to do so, I think.
One of the thing I found hard during the last several years of my mom's life was not being able to "fix" things. I'm a fixer by nature and training.
At some point, it's important to realize that you can sometimes make things a bit better, but you can't cure or make things perfect. (((((Hugs))))))
Hello there, Riverdale. I am so sorry that you are in this tough situation. Could you give us a bit more detail about your struggles? I looked at your profile and it sounds like your mom is in an assisted living facility. What's going on with her health? Does your mother have dementia? How long has she been ill? Are you the sole caregiver in your family, or do you have siblings who are around to help?
If you feel that you do not have an especially strong network of friends or family, I would definitely recommend joining a support group. This forum has helped me tremendously, just knowing that others have had similar problems and reading posts of others who have been in the trenches has helped me cope SO much better.
What do you do to nurture and take care of yourself? Do you have activities that you enjoy outside of your responsibilities for your mom?
You are definitely not alone in feeling burnt out. And it's so hard to get the balance we need when there are 24/7 demands placed on us. Take a deep breath often and come back here and post whenever you want to vent. Hugs to you.
I have taken care of my mother for so many years as she had health issues when i was younger. She has had a stroke which affects her memory. She is close to 88. It is amazing she is still alive considering that she neglected her health for decades. Yesterday i had to explain that her phone was supposed to ring. They fixed it at the facility. I am just in an emotionally weakened state. I have grandchildren who visit me from other states.
Depression medicine takes about 2 weeks before it starts working. If it has been more than 2 weeks, then see your doctor about this. Also, medicine plus therapy is the best way to treat depression. You also sound burned out. Life is worth living although it will be different after your mother has died. It will still be worth living then also.
I have been on medication for years. Many different ones. I am burned out and i know i will feel bad in the future but i guess its the sense of no control over a situation.
Riverdale, you sound pretty desperate; is it time to get someone else to take on your mom's problems? My mom is on a program of some sort - maybe PACE? She has a social worker, Dr., weekly RN, housekeeper and laundry person who also runs errands, and she pays small sums to some of the people in her building who do things for her, plus me. Her social worker does her paperwork, and the program she's on pays for some of these people. We couldn't do it, and I can't possibly keep up with her needs; heck, with all the help we can hardly do it... Anyway, you could call social services, department of aging (or whatever it's called where you are), and see what's available. I didn't even get this help for her (a "God thing", for sure!), but she has it, and it keeps ME sane.
The is not a medication for depression that is related to control issues. That is situational depression which can be helped by a therapist. You are right that you can't control your mom's declining health and that one day she will die. No one can keep a parent from dying. The only person one can really control is oneself and that can be challenging at times. I wish you the best and hope you will see a therapist.
Riverdale...first hang in there. It is so hard, I know. I was a caregiver to my Dad (strokes) and my Mom (amputee from arterial sclerosis, plus addicted to RX's which we did not know at the time). Anyway I took care of them for 5 years. When I lost both my parents, though I knew it was inevitable, it was devastating to me. I have been caregiver to my honey, since 3 years after we got together, first after his numerous surgeries and then full time caregiver for 13 years after his strokes and severe heart issues.
It sounds as if you have been a caregiver to your mother for many years. It is hard and especially if there is no one to talk to, rant to when things get so frustrating, or a shoulder there to cry on when your heart is breaking. You are going in the right direction with medication and coming here. Counseling, and /or possibly a support group, with the medication and this forum to meet people and get things out in the open is a great thing to do. There are a lot of wonderful people here. When I first came to this forum I was ready to run down the street screaming I was so frustrated, scared, confused, and burnt out. Now I feel that my life is back in my control though I am caregiver to my honey of 30 years who I love very much. But I still am an avid reader of our forum and do throw my "two cents" in on a regular basis. It is good to know that you are not alone in this.
I hope this all makes sense. Don't give up and please keep us posted on how you are doing and what is going on.
Riverdale, you sound very exhausted and also that you've been in survival mode for a very very long time. Life looks bleak indeed from that vantage point.
As an only child, it makes thing tougher for you. Consider finding online or phone support groups. Phone support groups are nice, as you can hear other's voices. In person support groups are even better. Gyms, churches, meet ups, clubs, volunteer groups can help too.
When in survival mode it's very easy to neglect your health, for "just one more day". It's vital that you don't. In fact, I'm realizing that excellent self care and social support are essential when engaged in long term care giving. No one can anticipate how much time and energy can be taken by care giving.
Please start taking care of yourself, find support, eat super healthy, drink lots of water, exercise, sleep, meditate. We've all heard this before, but it really is life or death. Or should I say life or just existing in an exhausted depressed state. I can't tell you how many years I've lost in this exact state, somehow thinking the demands would lift long enough to catch a break. Yeah well, nope. You have to make it a daily thing, You might need several hours a day to make a dent. And it has to be a priority. (Yes, I'm saying this to myself as much as to you!)
Thank you for your responses. Since i first found this site just recently i have come back and visited it. I was having a bad day and i appreciate the responses i received so i wanted to say thank you.
Riverdale - I am so sorry that you are going through this with such a lack of support. I'm in that camp a lot of the time, and I know how isolating / overwhelming it can be. Last year, I helped my grandma through hospice while caring for my dad. I know there are lots of comments about self-care here, and yes that is so damned important. But it's just as important to find your worth again. To remember that your charge's health is not the only thing that makes you valuable. I ended up volunteering - first I wrote letters and then I found the energy to make phone calls and then I even managed to get out of the house a few times. It helped me remember that there is a world outside of my charge's and their pain - and it helped me remember that even if I couldn't make a difference in their health, I could still make a difference in the world. Even if it was a small one.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do you think that you can keep you mother alive forever? It's unrealistic to think that way, but lot of us strive to do so, I think.
One of the thing I found hard during the last several years of my mom's life was not being able to "fix" things. I'm a fixer by nature and training.
At some point, it's important to realize that you can sometimes make things a bit better, but you can't cure or make things perfect. (((((Hugs))))))
If you feel that you do not have an especially strong network of friends or family, I would definitely recommend joining a support group. This forum has helped me tremendously, just knowing that others have had similar problems and reading posts of others who have been in the trenches has helped me cope SO much better.
What do you do to nurture and take care of yourself? Do you have activities that you enjoy outside of your responsibilities for your mom?
You are definitely not alone in feeling burnt out. And it's so hard to get the balance we need when there are 24/7 demands placed on us. Take a deep breath often and come back here and post whenever you want to vent. Hugs to you.
It sounds as if you have been a caregiver to your mother for many years. It is hard and especially if there is no one to talk to, rant to when things get so frustrating, or a shoulder there to cry on when your heart is breaking. You are going in the right direction with medication and coming here. Counseling, and /or possibly a support group, with the medication and this forum to meet people and get things out in the open is a great thing to do. There are a lot of wonderful people here. When I first came to this forum I was ready to run down the street screaming I was so frustrated, scared, confused, and burnt out. Now I feel that my life is back in my control though I am caregiver to my honey of 30 years who I love very much. But I still am an avid reader of our forum and do throw my "two cents" in on a regular basis. It is good to know that you are not alone in this.
I hope this all makes sense. Don't give up and please keep us posted on how you are doing and what is going on.
for a very very long time. Life looks bleak indeed from that vantage point.
As an only child, it makes thing tougher for you. Consider finding online or phone
support groups. Phone support groups are nice, as you can hear other's voices.
In person support groups are even better. Gyms, churches, meet ups, clubs, volunteer
groups can help too.
When in survival mode it's very easy to neglect your health, for "just one more day".
It's vital that you don't. In fact, I'm realizing that excellent self care and social support
are essential when engaged in long term care giving. No one can anticipate how much
time and energy can be taken by care giving.
Please start taking care of yourself, find support, eat super healthy, drink lots of water,
exercise, sleep, meditate. We've all heard this before, but it really is life or death.
Or should I say life or just existing in an exhausted depressed state. I can't tell you how
many years I've lost in this exact state, somehow thinking the demands would lift
long enough to catch a break. Yeah well, nope. You have to make it a daily thing, You
might need several hours a day to make a dent. And it has to be a priority. (Yes, I'm
saying this to myself as much as to you!)
Best of luck ((((hugs)))))