I need help regarding my Mom/feel hurt and stressed.
I'm new here. Did anyone here ever have a parent say to you “what is wrong with YOU”? I get this “are you okay?” because I will (and I do this without thinking, I admit) say “well, you said such and such”. This could be in reference to something from months or years ago. i dont do it deliberately. To which she will say “I never said that”. What is wrong with you?” So my response is something like “oh I must have made a mistake”. But it does not end there. She seems so angry so much and says that I am angry at her or that I make her angry. I am there with my mouth half open trying to figure out how the conversation got so out of hand that I am the bad guy. I don’t know how to stop things from going viral. Then she will say she never wants to talk to me again.
The most recent thing was this: She accused me of wanting her money. What? She doesn’t have much and doesn’t own her own home, so I don’t get it. The other day this all came about because she has a carer who she said she is giving things to. I thought about the jewelry she owns and keeps in her closet so I asked her if she is giving this jewelry to the carer and she started screaming at me that I want her money and her jewelry and it was awful. Then she said "give me your money so I can go to Assisted Living. I cant do this because she would lose her Medicaid if she got aid. Not only don’t I want anything from her, but I am partially supporting her for years. She doesn't have much and none of this makes sense to me. I felt guilty for not saying, yes, you can have my money. Trying to explain to her that she cannot go into Assisted Living never works because she doesn't understand why. She hates where she lives (too long a story to go into but it is legitimate complaints). She cant reason it through and thinks I am against her.
I know it’s the disease, but she can act so nice in front of other people. My brother is an example. If she is with him and she “starts”, he rudely shuts her up with “don’t talk negative”. And she listens. I cant be that heartless.
She was never this way all her life and now she is someone I don’t like much and cant deal with, but I love her. Please help me to know how to handle this. Feel bad to have to come to a site and write this.
Thank you.
to me, the psychiatrist is the last MD who "gets" the whole patient. S/he's the person who is not just looking at the heart or the legs or the spine: they are looking at the brain, the mind the body and the personality. And there are meds that can ameliorate some of the symptoms that you are describing.
My mom was in the hospital a couple of years ago. She'd had a couple of episodes of really high blood pressure, but no stroke diagnosed. Some of her symptoms were suggestive of a seizure disorder, so neurology ordered a three day EEG. They put you in a private room, lovely view, rig you up with all the electrodes on your head and attach you so that the team in the EEG lab down the hall can read the waves. The other patients having this done were sitting contentedly reading, knitting, watching TV.
A couple of hours into the test, I got a call from the hospital, saying that my mother was trying to leave the room and the hospital, saying that she was being held against her will. I asked them to put her one the phone.
"hi mom".
(in a whisper) "It's all a scam"
what?
"It's a scam; they say I'm in a hospital, but it's not. I can tell. It's a parking garage"
(what!!1??)
Then she says "How do I know it's you I'm talking to?"
OMG, where is my mother?
I got in my car and drove from Brooklyn to the hospital in Westchester in record time. To make a really long story short, my mother was re-living an episode of "Monk" in which he's held incommunicado in a parking garage.
We got geriatric psychiatry involved. Nice doc came and talked to mom. Talked about Hospital delirium/psychosis. Talked about her need for support and socialization. Need for a facility that would provide distraction, reassurance and good nutrition. Talked to us for at least an hour. Best advice we ever, ever got.
My opinion is that my mom KNOWS she is "loosing it". They are angry at THEMSELVES and/or their situation for their shortcomings. They take that anger out on us. They have been in charge of their lives for many years and they're not about to relinquish control to anyone. Denial is in full swing at this stage. I backed off for awhile (for my own sanity) until her behavior became too irrational and confused. I had to trick her into the memory care facility, her worst fear.
She has progressed into Stage 6 and now doesn't know who I am about half the time. But she knows that "something is wrong with my brain". "I can't remember anything. I'm so mixed up . Who are you again?" And she's very upset about it. I thought everyone with dementia was in La-La Land, in a peaceful, confused oblivion. Apparently, not so. What a living hell to KNOW you aren't "right", can't think straight or function normally, can't seem to get it together, forget what was just asked and answered (after asking 10+ times), aimlessly arranging, then rearranging things and not know why, forgetting to bathe, have huge chunks of time "disappear", remembering a name but having no idea who it belonged to, having to rely on the word of others because you have no clue of what went on, etc. She is watching her own decline. She asks if there is medication for this. I tell her she's taking it but I don't mention that it no longer does any good. That's heartbreaking.
She now is saying she wants to die. I tell her God will take her when He's ready. For her own sanity, I hope that she progresses to "La-La Land" or that the Lord is merciful and takes her home. This is just agonizing for everyone.
Anne, inform yourself about dementia. Alzheimer's. Org might be a good start. Remember to take care of yourself and don't go through anything you can't tolerate mentally. We're all suffering with you. ((Hugs))
And yes, the doctor was referring to delirum/delusion? she has when hospitalized when she mentioned the dementia. In as much as my brother is not forthcoming, that is all the information I can get at this point. You are all so kind to take the time to give me links, information, look up things ... wow. What affirmation. I just wish none of this were true :(.
So glad I found this site. So many good people who understand. You are right, people who have not experienced this just don't "get it".
thanks again. I will probably be back.
(Transient ischemic attack, or mini-stroke).
Any cognitive decline (memory, confusion) should be diagnosed it says.
There are some "dementia" that can improve? It says.
Terms used were used as same: Sundowners, dementia, alzheimers.
Do not have the actual reference.
A refreshing contrast from the static and frustration you get in the so-called real world.
These threads are sanity-savers. The kindred spirits of AC Forum will make you feel validated. Which is crucial for mental health!
You will also learn practical and tactical ways to get through the moment – and the future. Welcome aboard.
People here, including me, may not have it right, but the dynamics sound very familiar.
Keep talking.
You are a truth seeker, and need to get clarification because some things don't fit reality. However, that is not possible-to get the truth from people who use this type of communication-by attacking you, by causing you doubt about what was said. ie: "Are you okay" , "What is wrong with you?". I believe this is called "Distraction", and "Misdirection". This tact is being used by Mom and brother (s).
Learn more. Stop asking for the truth, because you will get hurt.
Make visits short, pleasant, and remove yourself from any responsibility.
This is called: "Detach with love".
You are correct, it is highly inappropriate for your Mom to be giving away her jewelry to the caregiver, and worse that the caregiver receives it. Report this to POA and leave it.
I am thinking if you visited once a month for an hour, that may be too much for you.
You have said that you do this without thinking- (asking questions that provoke your Mom). That solution may require therapy for you. In therapy, you may learn self protection and that it is not all you. You have also said your family is dysfunctional. There is some doubt that not just your Mom, but your entire family
has always been this way. Maybe you cannot see that your own Mother may have been narcissistic, and now she is old and sick too.
Study up! Detach with love. Google it : Detach with love.
Angel
thank you all so much for your posts.
JessieBelle: Thank you for validating me re others being in denial and the doctors not diagnosing it officially though they say she "sundowns", etc. You said you got it on the death certficiate. Then I was right when I assumed that unless and until things were to get really bad, they would not seek a diagnosis.
GA: Wise advice. I have copied and will keep. If I missed anyone, please know that you are all helping and I need the support at this point in time. I have watched Teepa Snow and it all makes sense, but when you are in the situation, it is YOUR parent, and it is hard to do. Perhaps an outside caregiver can do it better than me or some of you can. My emotionsl are too invested, I think. Knowing you are losing a loving parent (no matter what your age) is not easy. I hate that she has had to suffer for so many years. In the early years I was more able to handle the hospitalizations (very frequent), surgeries, nursing home rehabs. She has really been to hell and back.
Everyone: so many hugs or gratitude.
One thing I will add: dementia mothers take it out on loved ones (especially their daughters) and sometimes behave much better to others and strangers (thus, they can fool doctors for years). As it gets worse, they obsess about money and also get paranoid and blame people for stealing.
(((hugs))) If, as you say, she doesn't have much time, it might be over soon. It is sad when your mom becomes a stranger, and worse when family gets involved and doesn't agree.
Vascular disease and dementia often go together. If the brain is not getting enough oxygen, even for short periods of time, there can be damage. I'm never surprised when I hear of dementia in someone with heart disease, COPD, or chronic hypertension. It may help to read about vascular dementia (VaD). Alz.org has a bit on it, but it is better to google articles that talk about it alone. I don't know if it could be what your mother has, but I do know that many people with VaD have anger issues.
1. Your mother has dementia according to your profile; nerve connections are damaged and will never be restored. Her method of thinking has changed and can't be corrected b/c of the nerve damage from dementia.
2. She doesn't understand what she's doing or saying. You're dealing with a person who's different from the one who didn't have dementia. Her ability to be rational has been lost, permanently.
3. The interaction between the two of you will change. Your mother has lost her perspective. Conversations will be difficult.
4. Your mother can't compensate. In order to avoid the strife and friction, you're the only one who can adjust. That requires a recognition that she's not responding in a rational way, and even though she may periodically, it won't be on a consistent basis.
5. That's a difficult situation to accept. If you read some other posts on coping with dementia, caregivers adjusting their attitudes, and letting the insults pass w/o escalation, you'll see how others have handled similar situations.
6. Try to avoid getting in a one on one argument, back and forth, argument vs. argument. If changing the subject doesn't help, leave the room, do something else, and remember that your mother doesn't understand what she's saying.
7. You'll have to find some form of outlet as a release, whether it's walking, exercising, crafts work, listening to music - you'll need some kind of therapeutic activity to allow you to accept the situation but find peace within yourself regardless.
8. You'll have to learn to ignore the pain and insults, b/c your mother doesn't understand what she's doing.
9. Your brother takes a more aggressive approach; you're not that kind of person. She probably sense she can provoke you but not your brother. You could try to be like your brother but I sense it's not in your nature. So then focus on turning away, walking out, leaving her to rant only with herself.
10. Obviously this isn't easy and won't happen quickly. JessieBelle has dealt with this for a long time with her own mother.
Sometimes I think one of the easiest ways out of the conflicts and arguments is the old shrug of the shoulders and the "whatever!" response.
As RM suggests, you need to disconnect, because you're still tied to her in such a way that you're the one who's going to be hurt.
I can only hope that I will some day remember my mother before this all happened. I so want to remember that lovely, loving, compassionate person who once loved me so much. I am grieiving. She is here, but she is not here.
I hope more people will share because I really need the support. Ten years illness here. She is almost 90 and suffering in many ways. too much has happened. I will spare the details of the illnesses. Thank you.