I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I have been there many times, and so have many others on this site. Truly being aware of what you are seeing when someone you love decline if impossible to describe to anyone who does not see it. That goes for friends, family and many times even spouses....You are special because you truly see and you truly care.
You have come to the right place - at least we all understand, and can reach out when we have some time.... 24/7 is very hard, what I have learned is to make the best of what there is in each day. I sometimes feel that a caregivers life is like the lead character in the movie "Life is Beautiful" with Robert Bennini. - If you haven't seen it, you may enjoy it, as it shows how humour can help cope with anything.
That said, the toll shouldering the burden takes can be very hard. Harder still if there are others who could help you but just dont *get it*. The best advice I can give you about your fear of losing control is to let go - breathe - cry - breath again. You will feel better if you release the tension rather than trying to control how you feel.
stay on this board and ask as many questions as you want - vent as much as you want - say what no one else wants to hear. I know lots of people will respond - so I'll just say - welcome - you've found a safe place to talk.
take care and be kind to yourself.
I can so relate to your situation! I have been caring for my mother since a health crisis debilitated her about 4 years ago. It seems that she , too, declines every day. I fell obligated to care for my mother as long as I physically can
I have someplace to vent and talk with others that understand this is great!!!!
Thanks again. I will be back maybe to help someone else if not just to vent again.
Thanks
At times I feel like a slave to everyone in the house.
Do you have a homemaker to come into the home to give you so relief? If nothing else go outside and just walk around the yard.
The stress seems unbearable at times. I seem to resent anyone that has the freedom to jump in the car and go anywhere they want at any time. I can not do that but my husband and my daughter can. I know they do not completely understand my feelings. I do take it out on them at times when I shouldn't.
I have left the room before because I resented my mother for being sick, then I look at her and think to myself it is not her fault. If she could she would make it all better for herself. She does not want to be in this shape either. Then I start feeling guilty for even thinking bad things. It is a catch 22 at times.
Just hang in there.
We are here for you.
You are so right! It is so easy to feel resentment toward your family and the person you care for. which of course is immediately followed by guilt. The never ending cycle! I often find myself especially angry at my older brother. He can be a great help to me in medical issues because he is a physician, but that sometimes is a hindearance because he can't accept our mother's failing health. What drives me nuts is that he travels extensively (at least 7-10 days a month), while I feel guilt taking a 5 day respite once a year. Then he will stop by my house at 7:00 on sunday night and say "take off, I'll stay with Mom." Great~ another trip to Wal-Mart!
As far as feeling like a servant, Yeah! I often refer to myseld as an endentured servant or a serf on the manor! I have dealt with that by taking care of all my mother's business on my terms. I have power of attorney and I don't consult anyone except her financial advisor. I also take care of me. lunch and an afternoo movie can get me through a really long week. The thing that keeps me going is that feeling of having no regrets when the long goodbye is said!
When my mother goes to the bathroom I do not always catch her to see if her bowels move. One day her bowels moved three time really good, but when you ask her they have not moved for a month.
She can not even remember her bowels moving, so I have to go to the bathroom with her to see if they move or not. Now I am tired of checking, but I need to since she is having trouble with them.
Talking about pills my mother if I leave the pill box out she will take every pill in the box. I have started hiding it from her. Then that is all I hear. "Have I taken my pills today?" "yes you have." and "My bowels have not moved in a month." "They moved this morning."
That is our conversation during the day.
Brenda
Brenda
We are home from the hospital which i guess is a good thing. At least, it is easier being in my own home and not having to run back and forth. My mother is weak, but the dr's say there is nothing drastic going on, so I guess it is back to the same old routine. I hope things are going ok for all of you. Thanks again for all of your support.
brenda
Brendalou
Brendalou, I am so glad your mother is home with you. It is easier if they are with you.
Bwthrs, I am glad you got to visit with your old friend. It is nice to have them come back once in a while so you can remember who they really are. When my mother does this we have the greatest time. Which the times are fewer and further apart.
I see everyone is still hangin' in there. We had an exciting last couple of days. My mother woke up thursday morning about 4:00am with diarrhea. It was everywhere on her, the floor, the bed etc. I was trying to get everything together to clean and had ask her to take off her gown. She took off her diaper instead. The diarrhea was everywhere then. I didn't lose my cool too much. I was very proud of myself. Then only thing is I had to give her a shower at 5:00 am to clean her up it was from head to foot. I finally got done at 7:00 am and turned everything over to the homemaker. That felt good to get out after that.
Also she has been on a new kind of medication. We had to take her off of it. She was getting more confused, her tongue was protruding, she was so weak so could not do anything, so anxious and could not sit still. In 24 hours she completely turned around. Amazing what a little pill can do to a person. My mother is going to the bathroom every 10 minutes it is about to drive me crazy.
Since I have found this site I feel so much better talking with you ladies, you help me very much each and every day. Thanks again for listening or I guess reading and replying it does help.
The doctor has put Johnny on a new pill. Its Ativan, he started taking it yesterday and it seems to be working. Johnny even thanked me for his super last night. I was so surprised and happy about it. The doctor called it a happy pill, now I know why. The doctor said that it should help him being so mean to me and it seems to be working. So far so good.
Roxie what was the new pill that your mother was on. Sorry to hear about the diarrhea, that alone can make you feel so agitated, but you sound like you handle it very well. You sound like you are a really good person.
I know what you mean about this site, I get online and check here first thing every morning before I do anything else. It helps me get through the day.
I talked to Johnny's daughter last night and told her that I needed some help with her dad, she said she knew but she was really busy right now, I told her that I am with him 24/7, I could really tell her about being busy. Anyway she said she had to go and she would call me right back, that was yesterday evening and now its the next morning, I'm still waiting on her to call me right back. Whats the odds she doesn't call me back. Oh well. I knew she wouldn't.
Well I have drank my coffee and I have to get a shower and start a whole new day. Talk to you all later.
God bless ya'll
bwthrs
thanks for what you wrote about your mother. My mother has diverticulitis so we go through that frequently, with the exception of having a homeworker & it is strangely comforting to actually read the same experiences but into writing by someone else. I had to cancel a respite break yesterday to come back home & take care of it.
just tired
Isn't is funny how comforting it is to talk about diarreah? I guess it is just a part of life! Roxie, I understand the frustration of dealing with that in the middle of the night. We went through that a few years ago. It actually turned out the the heart medication (Quinidine) that the drs put my mom on was causing not just diarreah but loss of balance and mental acuity! (They put her on that drup after the last medication (Cordorone) cause pulmonary fibrosis in her lungs.) She ended up in the hospital for 4 months after taking Quinidine! She spent 10 days in ICU and months in the extended care trying to get strong enough to come home. We qctually ended up having to put in a feeding tube. We were able to remove that pretty quickly when she regained her strength. I say all this to encourage everyone to REALLY keep a close eye on medications and their side effects. Many meds have a stronger effect on elderly people and drs are not always forthcoming or knowledgeable about the side effects. Roxie, can your mother take lomotil? That really helps when my mom has diarreah. bwthrs- I'm sorry to hear that your niece is being so uncooperative about helping with her dad. Would it help for your husband to talk to her? It is so frustrating when "adult" children refuse to take on any responsibility or acknowledge that a parent or grandparent needs help. I know that we are all tired, but it is so great to have online friends who understand how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to care for a loved one. Thank you all for being there!
Brenda
Taking it in good humour, I'd like to clarify my earlier post It is not the-talking about diaharrea that is comforting, seeing that others share the same experience is. In my social and professional life I must pretend everything is ok & not a problem; to colleagues, 99.9% of my friends and neighbors. None of them are aware that my newfound "free spirited" lateness is due to last minute caregiving which includes poop emergencies. It is wearing because I love my mom, and wearing on my spirit to have to cancel with no notice, or come in late for things.
I posted my comment because I hoped I could join in the conversation and this group.
not looking for sympathy, just a chance to connect and join the club
Happy Saturday to everybody!
I know what you mean about sharing experiences
I just want to Hi! How is everyone doing? It seems we are doing pretty good.
Brwthrs, I am sorry to her about your brother-in-laws family. Just remember we are in this together. If you need us we are here. My mother's family does not even visit with her. They have not for some years now. They live a block away and drive by everyday at least twice. So I can understand where you are coming from. When they see my daughter they fall all over her, but do not ask about mom. It irratates her so much. But that is something sometimes that you must let roll off your back. There will come a day when his daughter will regret what she has done.
A few post back someone had asked what type of medicine my mother was taking- it is metoclopramide. It is a generic. It is suppose to help her digestive system.
Yes I had to do the research because when I called the DR. office they just give her Xanax. I had to go to the internet and look up the medicine myself-that is where I found all the side-effects that she was having. When I called back and informed them she had all the side-effects their respond was "You got to be kidding. I replied "No" I looked it up on the internet. "Well then you must take off that for a few days and let us know how she does" That I did already. One step ahead of them. I usually do look up the medications I did not have time until it too late. I go to school and this was during semester week.
Not an excuse, but I was just being lazy. Everytime she gets a new medicine I always go to WebMD or the RX site to look it up and educate myself on it.
Yes I agree with you brendalou the elderly can not take medications like anyone else. It seems their system is more senisitive to all things. I learned that many years ago with mom. I have to keep a list of medicines that she can no longer take to give to the hospitals and drs.
This week-end I got to work off a lot of stress. My husband and I cut down a huge tree and cut it and burnt it. That felt so good to get out and really work my body and let my mind rest. Mom was out with us when the heat would permit the other time she would sleep.
Thanks everyone....
Glad to hear that you were able to get out this weekend roxie, it does help even if they are with you. Rick (my husband) watched Johnny all day yesterday and I got to spent a few hours in the swimming pool. Even though Johnny was still here with me it gave me a break letting Rick tend to all his needs for a change.
Have a good day.
All medications have side effects and elders are more prone to them than anyone, as their bodies are usually not that efficient at metabolizing the drugs. So each medication needs to be screened, and whenever a new one is added, we need to watch for changes - bad as well as good. It's an ongoing thing, but necessary.
This is the greatest group of people! I love seeing how you all help each other.
Carol