I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later." Cat
I can totally relate. My birthfather, who I am caring for, gave my cousins, his friends, and others so much when he was able... we weren't close, but, he has been both a chore and a help to me since I started caring for him... but, nobody in his family (guess it's mine too - but we are not close) remember him at all since he no longers gives them great gifts, help, work references, etc. etc. Now that he is incapacitated
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later." Cat
I can totally relate. My birthfather, who I am caring for, gave my cousins, his friends, and others so much when he was able... we weren't close, but, he has been both a chore and a help to me since I started caring for him... but, nobody in his family (guess it's mine too - but we are not close) remember him at all since he no longers gives them great gifts, help, work references, etc. etc. Now that he is incapacitated & I've taken his care on - they NEVER call... I did a very bad thing once... and still am not too sorry for it... I called ('phone calls I will regret later') and left messages that Chris had passed away... that was how anquished I was with their selfishness... when they called in a few days to find out details, I didn't answer... then I let Chris call them... (I told him what I had done & he thought it was a great idea) .. it didn't them change much... but, made me feel good that they suffered a little... I mean these people really were in it for themselves when they knew him & I've asked for help many times- even a call (and not a lot either)... I am an only child... but, was raised by my grandparents... but, as I take care of Chris.. I realize now... he is my friend too... and maybe my only real friend... maybe I sound cynical.. but, I can relate to your making a wonderful week for your mom... it helps both of you... live large while you can... Logan's has a special (2 dinners for $13.99) on Monday & Tuesday's 3-6... we just may go there today & put it on our overtaxed credit card!
(my other comment was cut off!)
I need to vent for a while. If you go back through the back pages you will get the background on me. Now, as of augest 5 I got so fed up at work with my superviser (of two years out of 10) that I quit. In his eyes us women should be at home raising babies and being a June Cleaver(from Leave It To Beaver)since then I've been a babysitter for my great granddaughter at 7:30 in the morning,taxi for my 17 year old granddaughter to school at 11:45,taxi for my son who doesn't have his driving privilages (DUI) to work at 3:00 ,I take 17 year old to work at McDonalds at 4:00 then pick her up at 8:00 then I do my chorse I have two horses and 12 pygmy goats 3 dogs and 13 cats. They help me cope with everything , at about 11:00 I have mom go to bed I have to tell her how to get dressed then I wait until 11:30 and go get my son from work . I get to bed about 1:30 and don't sleep well because mom goes to the bathroom in her room,out in the hall or in my room. Then it starts all over again the next day.
Carol
Barb
Carol
You can chat with each other. I find that so helpful.
Please pray for me that I can go through my things, pare down, and start today to feel I belong here and am not a bag girl (lady) LOL.
They say bloom where you are planted
Carol
I work part-time, and go to school, my husband also works. It's been really frustrating sometimes, but we take in count of grandma's age 85. Especially when she repeats herself and asks the same questions 20 times within an hour. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.
You do need to look into getting someone to come in and sit with him so you can get some time to yourself. Your own health really will suffer, if you don't. Then, what will your husband do? He needs to learn that you need to take care of yourself as well as him. Please check with your county social services or your state aging services to see if there is some respite care available, if hiring in-home care - even a few hours a week - is out of reach financially.
Meanwhile, keep venting. People here understand.
Carol
Auntiecedent, life is always worth living when we achieve some degree of balance. Respite care will afford you some balance, even if only one hour each week. Does your husband nap in the daytime at all? If he does, it is a great time to find a quiet corner in your home to take a deep breath, go outside to take a leisurely walk, or do something else. This morning before my Mom awakened, I prepared myself a cup of green tea and enjoyed a couple of hours before the rest of the world started to stir. I prayed, read, napped, and watched a cooking show. Sometimes I take a walk in my garden in my velour robe early in the morning. There are always windows of opportunity for caregivers to create some leisure and quiet even if we may not be able to afford respite care.
She has always enjoyed being the center of attention and now it seems even more so. She will fib to professionals about her abilities, saying she can do more than she is able. She will fib to me when she doesn't want to do something, like exercise. She received in home physical therapy for 4 months and is always too tired, too hungry, excuse excuse, to do the exercises. Therefore, she's no better than she was 4 months ago.
She has a bedside commode over the toilet so she can raise herself off of it, but won't use it by her bed so that I can get more than 4 hours of undisturbed sleep. She says it would be icky. She brags to others that she can go all day without visiting the bathroom, and she does actually do this quite often. It frustrates me that she won't even try the bedside commode to allow me to sleep. I am starting to believe she is doing it on purpose because she doesn't have control over many things but she has control over me when it comes to "I need to go to the bathroom!!" any time during the day or night, considering the alternative.
What can I do? Do I need SuperGranny? Is tough love in order? She's like a spoiled brat and is out of control. I know she is manipulating me and is always on her best behavior for the caregivers. Sigh!!
perhaps you might try getting up & taking her during the nght. You can use it as an excuse for her to walk - each time a little farther. I know you said you are sleep deprived, however it may just be if you meet her half-way (so to speak) she gets into a new cycle and eventually you will get the sleep you need. Certainly it sounds as it you are exhausting yourself to the point of assigning blame, when it may not be the case.
Lets face it, its human nature to not want to poop ans / or pee next to where we sleep. An truthfully how many of us when we get old would want to feel we had some dignity - - bragging she doesn't go during the day may be one of the few things that get her praise from others - as does fibbing about abilities.
My mom insisted she could do many things when she couldn't - at one point she was unable to walk and was in diapers - she was humiliated. Now she walks to the bathroom herself with a walker and makes a point of going *before* going to bed because she feels she has some control and say in her life. It took alot of working, exercise, understanding. My mom still insists that she can do some things she can't - but I suspect I will be denying my decline when I am old too.
Give yourself a break - and cut her some slack. If you chose to take this path, don't fall into the trap of negative thinking. That is the killer of caregivers world over. My mom is close to your mom in age. I hope that this helps.
In the last week things have changed a lot. First my brother and sister in-law came for Thanksgiving so she made it a point to show off to them all the things she could do. I was happy she did things on her own but it just reinforced my suspicions that she was holding back. Then, I was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2002 and it seems every two years or so I must go into the hospital for some unwanted visitor to be removed. Well that time is any day now, just waiting to hear from the doctor.
I told her there was no way I could leave her alone if she couldn't even pull up her underwear, and named a few other things she's been holding back on. I told her there was no way we could afford 24 hour care. I told her the only option was to send her to "granny camp" aka a respite facility for a few weeks because while I recover, there is also no way I can push her around and help her off the toilet.
I guess this put the fear into her and she's been zipping around the house in her wheelchair, pulling her undies up, got herself up this morning and into her chair then onto the bathroom. I praise her and ask her if this all doesn't make her feel so much better, doing things on her own, and she said OH YES! I am happy she's admitting it makes her feel like she's accomplished something, maybe she'll listen to her own voice. Now that she's shown she can do it, I have more ammunition to use for when/if she tries to revert back, using those same old excuses.
Things are looking up at the moment mainly because she has no choice. Her options are extremely limited for the immediate future and she's looking out for #1. I'm not at all convinced she will let it stay this way but I should relax and enjoy it, and my time in the hospital. That sounds really dumb, but I look forward to it because I'll be able to sleep!!
Again, thanks everyone for your responses and confirming what I already knew, that I'm not alone in this adventure.