I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
This reminds me of my neighbor Joe. I got him a personal alarm (Lifeline). It was a necklace form. I'd put it around his neck every noon when I went to visit. He insisted that he didn't need it because he was around the house. Well - that's where they work! The base was in his bedroom. When I was taking him 100 miles away from his house to see his sister, he always had it on. The receiver goes about 100 feet :) This guy was an engineer, but he didn't get that one. It drove me nuts, but he did have it on when he fell and broke his hip - only because I'd put it on that noon.
Anyway, what I'm saying is you are doing your best. Keep at it. Don't argue. Try to make it easy and explain. I'm sure you've already done all of that. So - keep coming back here. We get it.
Carol
Barb
Barb
Time to put your emotions to one side & deal with the problem. If emotionally you 'can't' do this - shoot it back to your brother, or post an ad on Craigslist for a fixer do deal with it on your mom's behalf. Regardless of what you think and feel about your mother and your fragile state, if a bill is in collections it must be dealt with.If the work should have been warrantied, then that is another issue to deal with.
I was left a complete mess by a sibling who chose to take the money & run. I got the mom & the tangled mess. So I do sympathize with you. However sometimes we caregivers have to just suck it up and deal with issues like this or they get worse.
Seriously - someone has to do it - either your brother, or tell him to hire someone.
My brother and I were "good children" and helped her out of debt when she was selling her house. We pooled our resources and paid off her credit cards with the assurance we'd be reimbursed from the proceeds from the sale of the house. NOT! She'd neglected to pay her state income taxes for years and her proceeds were attached. My brother and I got 1/4 of what we were owed.
She ran up a credit card and was late often enough that they increased the interest and minimum payment. She decided it was ridiculous and stopped paying. The creditor company calls weekly and harasses her/me. They want me to pay it and I said HAIL NO! I have not taken out a Financial POA, but even if I had anything that occurred earlier is not my responsibility. They can be mean and use scare tactics and it's helpful to know what they can and can't do.
I refinanced my house several years ago and they paid off all my debts out of the cash out. Along with mine was some credit card both of us were listed on. I was forced to pay another 5,000 of her "irresponsibility".
Now she's having 250 per month deducted from her SS checks because she failed to file her Federal Income tax in 96 which is too far back for us to recreate it, so hello interest and penalties. Even the feds don't keep records that long.
I get the tears too and her excuse to the collection agencies is "Well, I'm 90 years old!!" Well I can tell you they really don't give a rat's behind how old you are, a debt is a debt.
All I can say is stand fast, hang in there, endure the tears and let her own up to her responsibilities. I'm sure you've got enough of your own :)
that is wonderful! Hope you can take time to put your feet up & feel at peace.
thanks, that is so sweet of you to say. I wish that you did live near me - coffee pot is always on if you are ever on the west coast!
PT.S usually do ok with amutation with P.T. they get good strength in their upper body and do learn to transfer into w/c sometimes with a sliding boardmatm first as lonf as they can treasfer in a car or w/c they do well.
When she finally went to the assisted care facility she seemed to be o.k for awhile but then she started complaining and whining constantly about the place. After a year of seeing her unhappy and realizing that she was at the point where she needed a little more than "assisted" care but not yet in need of "skilled" nursing care, and adding to all this the stock market was draining her finances at a rapid pace, so I made the decision to bring her back home to live with me. This will happen on Dec. 20th..She was so happy with my decision that she cried. In the mean time I am getting the rasberries from everyone for doing something that they are sure will be a big mistake for me that I will very soon regret....Mom and I had a heart to heart talk and I gently explained that things would have to be different this time around...Before she went to assisted living she would never allow me to get hired help in to be with her if I wanted to get away for a long weekend. I explained that this would have to change and that she needed to stop complaining and trying to manipulate me OR it would be off to a skilled nursing facility. I really want this to work for both of our sakes as I love my mom very much but she has to realize that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions.
I won't write anymore as it is starting to look like I'm working on a novel here. I have read a lot of your postings and I know you all share in the same problems that I have. God Bless all of you and I will keep each and every one of you in my prayers....I know you will do the same for me....Love. Jan
Good for you - bringing your mom home again is a wonderful thing to do. You deserve alot of credit for being self-aware enough to be able to separate the irritants from the bigger picture of your mom's care. I hope you will see the benefit of remaining kind, yet keeping your relationship with your mom on a more adult / equal footing.
I was just reading posts before turning in after a fairly long day - reading your post was really nice. It's nice to see how others handle things and know we are not alone.
Anyway - all the best & welcome to the charmed circle !
However, be firm and explain that you need your life, too. If she still complains, let her. Be kind, but detach and do what you must. She knows you love her and you have done a lot. You'll keep helping no matter where she is. You are a kind, wonderful person. I'm happy you've found new love to round out your life.
Carol
Please help,
Susan
First you are not terrible and you are not whining! This is a terrible situation for you and you need to help yourself. Please call your state aging services department and get the name of your area agency on aging. These people can help you. It sounds like your mom may need a nursing home. She'll get decent care - you can oversee it like you are now, but this home agency isn't good, you can't do more and your health will go. Please take care of yourself. Get help. And please come back here and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
Nursing home is out. I'm one of those people who believe my word is everything. My parents were divorced when my dad had a massive stroke (I know, bad genes, right??!!) and went to a nursing home. I told my mom the horror stories and she was a basketcase, begging me not to ever allow anyone to put her in one. Even though our relationship wasn't much of anything, I promised I wouldn't...now I'm stuck. Even if it kills me, I have to do this. I will check into the state aging services dept, thank you!
another caregiver tried something a while ago that might get you some more support. Share this site with your brother and sister....if they are in healthcare perhaps seeing a different viewpoint - one of us caregivers - might make them realise that it is time for them to step up & help even a little.
I forget who suggested it, but it worked a bit for her & maybe it may help soften your siblings hearts to your plight. It's easy to get jaded when you work in healthcare - time for both of them to gain insight & humility by sharing your world at least online.
take care,
Cat
Be Good,
Susan