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Good luck with this one. I used pill reminders, daily organizers, and even hand delivered, but if they won't take them, it's hard to convince them.

This reminds me of my neighbor Joe. I got him a personal alarm (Lifeline). It was a necklace form. I'd put it around his neck every noon when I went to visit. He insisted that he didn't need it because he was around the house. Well - that's where they work! The base was in his bedroom. When I was taking him 100 miles away from his house to see his sister, he always had it on. The receiver goes about 100 feet :) This guy was an engineer, but he didn't get that one. It drove me nuts, but he did have it on when he fell and broke his hip - only because I'd put it on that noon.

Anyway, what I'm saying is you are doing your best. Keep at it. Don't argue. Try to make it easy and explain. I'm sure you've already done all of that. So - keep coming back here. We get it.
Carol
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All I can say is... these little old fuzzy white haired people are crafty sons' of guns!
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Noodle, You made me laugh! Thank you!
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Well I'm glad Auntie, laughing does us a world of good and keeps us sane, or as sane as possible if ya know what I mean
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I got bad news yesterday when I went to my doc- my back is really messed up and he gave me the name of a spinal specialist who it turned out to be a spinal surgeon and there is no way I will have surgery, I may go to a pain specialist but will probably just learn to live with it.
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Austin, You should at least see a back specialist about this. The back is a pretty delicate piece of the body. You don't want to end up paralyzed because of something that could have been corrected with a relatively small operation.
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195Austin, sorry to learn about your spinal
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195Austin, for some reason the remainder of my reply was cut off. I do not blame you for not wanting spinal surgery. That is pretty heavy stuff. Have you considered getting a second opinion as well? May help you to better weigh the pros and cons.
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195Austin,I had back surgery 3 years ago this April.I had two disks fused together. If you were to look at my exrays they look like a set of railroad tracks in my lower back. The surgery took a little over 6 hours to do and I was in the hospital for 4 days after. I was off work for 6 months. There are both pros and cons as sunshinecaregiver stated. First if you do go through with it,definately make sure the doctor is the best you can get.Mine was a (specialists) joke joke he wanted me to give two units of blood before I went in. I can't give I have very low iron . He said that it was in case I bled alot but that I shouldn't so I didn't have to. After I got back to my room after the surgery my blood pressure was like 70 over 20. They said I had alot of bleeding. I got two units of blood. Then I got a spinal headache so bad that I wanted to tear my head off,and since my blood pressure was so low I couldn't have any fast acting pain med. Here when the doctor was working on my back he knicked my spinal column. As for the surgery itself, my legs don't cramp up like they did,it's easier to staighten up now. But now when the weather changes so does my back. It's like having my own weather person with me. So make sure you get all the information you can got before hand. Then if need be do it. I'm sure that you will be alright, just do your homework first.


Barb
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Wow. What an ordeal, barbees! Glad that after all of that you had a measurable and positive outcome with the cramping.
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Hi its me again ,you know if it wasn't for my daughter I don't think I'd be here right now. She never left my side the whole time I was in the hospital. I remember going into a deep sleep that I didn't want to wake up from,she was actually shaking me to wake me up. I use to be afraid of dying but now I'm not. I've almost been there so I know that when it's my moms' time to go I will know that she will be alright.
Barb
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My 83 yr old mom had 2 windows repaired because they started showing gas between the windows. so they were not actually broken just defective. She never addressed the "bill" they sent for window repair. she said she will go to her grave not paying it because they should be warrantied. I have no idea if they were warranted. Now the bill is with a collection agency!! Mom told brother & he said I should handle it! NO WAY. I will not handle something my narcissist mother started. I started getting sick to my stomach when I was asked to call the window company - then mom said let's sit down and I'll tell you what to say to them! Mom needs to call the window people herself. Even though she gets anxious and starts to cry. I am sick of her manipulative tears. anyone else ever go through anything like this??? thanks I just needed to vent. Sandi
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MineraPearl,

Time to put your emotions to one side & deal with the problem. If emotionally you 'can't' do this - shoot it back to your brother, or post an ad on Craigslist for a fixer do deal with it on your mom's behalf. Regardless of what you think and feel about your mother and your fragile state, if a bill is in collections it must be dealt with.If the work should have been warrantied, then that is another issue to deal with.

I was left a complete mess by a sibling who chose to take the money & run. I got the mom & the tangled mess. So I do sympathize with you. However sometimes we caregivers have to just suck it up and deal with issues like this or they get worse.

Seriously - someone has to do it - either your brother, or tell him to hire someone.
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I feel your pain MineraP. My mom has always been irresponsible when it comes to finances. For instance...

My brother and I were "good children" and helped her out of debt when she was selling her house. We pooled our resources and paid off her credit cards with the assurance we'd be reimbursed from the proceeds from the sale of the house. NOT! She'd neglected to pay her state income taxes for years and her proceeds were attached. My brother and I got 1/4 of what we were owed.

She ran up a credit card and was late often enough that they increased the interest and minimum payment. She decided it was ridiculous and stopped paying. The creditor company calls weekly and harasses her/me. They want me to pay it and I said HAIL NO! I have not taken out a Financial POA, but even if I had anything that occurred earlier is not my responsibility. They can be mean and use scare tactics and it's helpful to know what they can and can't do.

I refinanced my house several years ago and they paid off all my debts out of the cash out. Along with mine was some credit card both of us were listed on. I was forced to pay another 5,000 of her "irresponsibility".

Now she's having 250 per month deducted from her SS checks because she failed to file her Federal Income tax in 96 which is too far back for us to recreate it, so hello interest and penalties. Even the feds don't keep records that long.

I get the tears too and her excuse to the collection agencies is "Well, I'm 90 years old!!" Well I can tell you they really don't give a rat's behind how old you are, a debt is a debt.

All I can say is stand fast, hang in there, endure the tears and let her own up to her responsibilities. I'm sure you've got enough of your own :)
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Hi all - thanks for the quick replies. Sister's boyfriend called & mom gave him the whole story. Mom has her point, but she should have written the window guys a letter if they never called her back when she tried to reconcile the bill. We will see but at least I'm out of the picture. Whew!
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MineraPearl,
that is wonderful! Hope you can take time to put your feet up & feel at peace.
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I had problem similar to this with my grandmother and a "friend" of hers. My grandmothers friend sat with her at home after she got out of the hospital while I was at work, for about a week. Well her friend said that granny was supposed to pay her for her time. Granny said no she wasn't supposed to pay her. Well long story short she made a claim against my grandmothers estate and we just paid her for her time! These people will get there money, now or later, and I would suggest getting them to sign a release of claim to the estate or property so they can't come back and charge you again later. Power of attorney allows you to take care of this now, later it will be the trustee or it will go through probate which can take years to clear up.
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Cat you really get to the meat of a situation-it is good you do not live by me I would be over once a week with a problem to help me with-and am very glad you are here for all of us
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My husband is in the hospital again. Six weeks ago he lost his left leg to gangrene, and now the gangrene in his right foot has turned from dry gangrene to wet gangrene. They are pumping him full of anti-biotics, but there is going to have to be another amputation. The question is, how high will it go. He's a tough old bird, but how much can a man stand?
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Hey Austin,

thanks, that is so sweet of you to say. I wish that you did live near me - coffee pot is always on if you are ever on the west coast!
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Auntie
PT.S usually do ok with amutation with P.T. they get good strength in their upper body and do learn to transfer into w/c sometimes with a sliding boardmatm first as lonf as they can treasfer in a car or w/c they do well.
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Hello to all...I had been looking for a site like this and I think I finally found a good thing...My heart goes out to each and every one of you. You have already given me new insght to my situation. My story goes like this,I am an only child who had been caring for my 90 year old mother for about 11 years..... Approx. 14 months ago (with her complete agreement) I put her into a lovely assisted living facility about 10 minutes from my home.I would visit at least 4 days a week. My Mom and I had always been very close but the longer she was with me the more she would find petty things to complain about. If I left the house for some reason for a few hours I would be greeted with a very icy reception when I returned. My husband passed away almost 10 years ago and about 5 years ago I met a great guy and we are now engaged.We are in no big hurry to tie the knot and he and mom got along great (and still do )....The problems would start when she thought we got home too late or if I spent too much time talking to a friend on the phone. She began criticizing what I wore and got upset if I worked on my scrapbooking hobby. I would always make sure I gave her some special "one on one" time every day and catered to her every whim, which I now realize was a huge mistake.

When she finally went to the assisted care facility she seemed to be o.k for awhile but then she started complaining and whining constantly about the place. After a year of seeing her unhappy and realizing that she was at the point where she needed a little more than "assisted" care but not yet in need of "skilled" nursing care, and adding to all this the stock market was draining her finances at a rapid pace, so I made the decision to bring her back home to live with me. This will happen on Dec. 20th..She was so happy with my decision that she cried. In the mean time I am getting the rasberries from everyone for doing something that they are sure will be a big mistake for me that I will very soon regret....Mom and I had a heart to heart talk and I gently explained that things would have to be different this time around...Before she went to assisted living she would never allow me to get hired help in to be with her if I wanted to get away for a long weekend. I explained that this would have to change and that she needed to stop complaining and trying to manipulate me OR it would be off to a skilled nursing facility. I really want this to work for both of our sakes as I love my mom very much but she has to realize that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions.

I won't write anymore as it is starting to look like I'm working on a novel here. I have read a lot of your postings and I know you all share in the same problems that I have. God Bless all of you and I will keep each and every one of you in my prayers....I know you will do the same for me....Love. Jan
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Hey Janet,

Good for you - bringing your mom home again is a wonderful thing to do. You deserve alot of credit for being self-aware enough to be able to separate the irritants from the bigger picture of your mom's care. I hope you will see the benefit of remaining kind, yet keeping your relationship with your mom on a more adult / equal footing.

I was just reading posts before turning in after a fairly long day - reading your post was really nice. It's nice to see how others handle things and know we are not alone.

Anyway - all the best & welcome to the charmed circle !
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Welcome Janet, As Cat said, this is a charmed circle and you have already added a lot by sharing. And raspberries back to the people who do not understand. You are doing this out of love not guilt and realize there is enough of you to go around. Being able to talk with her before the move is a blessing for both of you. Gods supportive hand to both of you.
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Welcome, Janet. Please keep coming back here to let us know how it's going. As Cat said, you are now self-aware. You can set boundaries from the start and take it as it goes. The day may come where your mom has to go to a nursing home, and you'll cope with that when it happens. Meanwhile, get the paid help you need. If she complains - well, sometimes she will. After all, she's rather have you 24/7.

However, be firm and explain that you need your life, too. If she still complains, let her. Be kind, but detach and do what you must. She knows you love her and you have done a lot. You'll keep helping no matter where she is. You are a kind, wonderful person. I'm happy you've found new love to round out your life.

Carol
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Hello everyone! I'm on my lunchbreak at work and found this site. I haven't had time to read everything, but I see some similarities. My mother had a massive stroke almost 8 years ago. My mom and I never had a very good relationship; her life was about my brother, the Golden Child. Trips around the world, best private university; when it was my time to start college, I was told to get a job and go to community college at night...... that's our relationship in a nutshell. My brother is a doctor, my sister-in-law a nurse, yet in almost 8 yrs, they have helped 0 times, not once. Every time I asked for help (which I stopped doing years ago), I was promised the world and then at the last minute, something came up and they couldn't help. I work full time but a compressed work week. While I'm at work, I have a caregiver for my mom for a few hours, then my husband does what he can until I get home. So, it's either work or at home caring for my mom. Sometimes, we get someone to come for a few hours, but that's not often and everything is always so rushed. I know I must sound like I'm whining, and well, I am. My mom and I had a crummy relationship and now that the money isn't being handed out freely, my brother wants nothing to do with her. I'm so far passed 'burn out' it's ridiculous. I guess I'm just looking for a shoulder to cry on or some words of wisdom. My mom is paralyzed on her entire right side, unable to speak, has the mental and physical abilities of about a 10 month old. My mom who always had impeccable manners now does things I can't even write. She is disgusting. But I have to put on a happy face and deal with it, day in and day out. I keep praying for strength, but I am crumbling. The caregivers are terrible. They are from expensive, reputable agencies but the care and their behavior is deplorable-stealing, lying, not putting my mom on her toilet but then complaining when she goes in the bed, not turning her which has now led to a disaster for her back and on and on. Oh my gosh, I must sound like a horrible person. I guess I'm just on the verge of insanity now. Anybody have any words of wisdom or know of a really good caregiver agency in the Dallas/Texas area?

Please help,
Susan
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Dear Susan,
First you are not terrible and you are not whining! This is a terrible situation for you and you need to help yourself. Please call your state aging services department and get the name of your area agency on aging. These people can help you. It sounds like your mom may need a nursing home. She'll get decent care - you can oversee it like you are now, but this home agency isn't good, you can't do more and your health will go. Please take care of yourself. Get help. And please come back here and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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Thanks MindingOurElders, I appreciate knowing someone heard me and responded!

Nursing home is out. I'm one of those people who believe my word is everything. My parents were divorced when my dad had a massive stroke (I know, bad genes, right??!!) and went to a nursing home. I told my mom the horror stories and she was a basketcase, begging me not to ever allow anyone to put her in one. Even though our relationship wasn't much of anything, I promised I wouldn't...now I'm stuck. Even if it kills me, I have to do this. I will check into the state aging services dept, thank you!
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Hey susan,

another caregiver tried something a while ago that might get you some more support. Share this site with your brother and sister....if they are in healthcare perhaps seeing a different viewpoint - one of us caregivers - might make them realise that it is time for them to step up & help even a little.

I forget who suggested it, but it worked a bit for her & maybe it may help soften your siblings hearts to your plight. It's easy to get jaded when you work in healthcare - time for both of them to gain insight & humility by sharing your world at least online.

take care,
Cat
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Cat-Thanks for the comment, the time I spent rolling on the floor laughing hysterically took my mind off my troubles for a little while!!!! hahahaha! I'm struggling to keep up with bills, my mom's pension and SS don't even cover the caregiver so we pay for that, supplies, meds, you name it. We are drowning in bills. I asked before for help from my dear family, I received nothing. A few weeks ago, I received a phone call, asking if they could borrow money!!!! I guess they ran short after buying the fancy cars and putting in a pool.....I said I could not spare anything, since we are drowning paying mom's bills. All I was told was "oh, ok"...and the call was over. So no, looking at this site wouldn't make a difference. They just think the world is here for them. It's better to just think of me as an only child. I know it must seem like I'm just shooting down everyone's ideas. I'm so sorry, that's truly not it. But, after 8 yrs of this, I think I've exhausted every possibility. Sorry to have bothered y'all.

Be Good,
Susan
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