I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I have a question for each of you....As I am reading your situations-we have so much in common, yet my situation is a little bit different. MY mother is truly the caregiver of my father (who is chronicall ill)as well as, her mom & dad (who are ill).....I help her out as much as I can-during the holidays things snowballed with all 3 of their health...which brought me into the picture even more.....
So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs & 2 children-How do I help my mom help them and still hold down everything here-I dont know how to prioritize my time? My husband and kids DONT GET IT-THey expect me here. My mom is an only child-she has noone to to turn to-her husband (my Dad) is completely disbaled.
2) Also how do you turn the "guilt switch off?" Just like today-how do you go into work and TRY to ACT normal knowing ALL the STUFF that is going on...and be able to function correctly??
3)Do you ever just hate the whole situation? I have days that I hate everyone involved-b/c they are taking my time away from my children. This is my daughters senior year-I wanted to absorb every momemt I could with her b/c things will be different after she graduates......I have a 15 year old son-that will be will be a gradutating all too soon as well....and I have learned we need to absorb all that we can with our children b/c they grow up so, so quickly. BUT I CANT-b/c I feel guilty if I am not helping everyone else!!
I feel like the worst person in the world that I even allowed those words to come out of mouth, muchless have someone else read my thoughts!
I truly appreciate this site....I also appreciate everyones honesty and what is going on in each of your lives......As I pray for my fanilies situation-I want you all to know, I am praying for you as well-for I turly believe this is bigger than all of can handle alone...and without God we can do nothing-He is truly our strength. However we are humand and we sometimes forget HE is in control.
Love, prayers and Peace- to all
Christy
I had a bunch of elders, plus two children, one with a bundle of health problems, and it was always a internal battle about where to go and who to help first. In the end, I believe everyone felt shorted, even if they weren't. I had to do my best and let go. I tried to be perfect and wasn't (and still am not).
Your best help may be in finding outside help for your mother though your state's aging services (go to your state's main online site and look for something on aging -they should have a phone number). Then, you can ask about options to get help for your mother, so you can give her some help, but still be the mom and wife you need to be. If you know your local Area Agency on Aging, call them. They are great.
Your children should grow with this, but not suffer from it. The same for your marriage. Keep tuned in for comfort, and please look for outside help. You can't do this alone.
Carol
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs & 2 children-How do I help my mom help them and still hold down everything here-I dont know how to prioritize my time? My husband and kids DONT GET IT-THey expect me here. My mom is an only child-she has noone to to turn to-her husband (my Dad) is completely disbaled.
2) Also how do you turn the "guilt switch off?" Just like today-how do you go into work and TRY to ACT normal knowing ALL the STUFF that is going on...and be able to function correctly??
Christy
First, you have more than 2 jobs. Sounds to me like you have five or more. You need to take a few quiet moments to yourself, even if it's only while driving, to be brutally honest with yourself. Why do you feel responsible for all those chores? Yes, many need you, but are you shortchanging yourself and others by spreading yourself too thin? What is your first priority? Your kids and husband? Mom? Grandparents? Self?
If you're working two jobs outside the home, I must ask why? I assume your husband is working and you have two children who could work and supplement the family income. Is it your choice to work two jobs or is an absolute necessity? These are questions that only you can answer. It's not all that important you tell us the answers, but it is important you be honest with yourself.
What is it your husband and kids don't get? Do they not believe your mom needs that much help? Do they feel you are not spending enough time with them? If they don't 'get it,' maybe they need to fill in for you now and then with all those family obligations and then maybe they would gain some understanding. My main question to you on this, to be answered to yourself, does the family feel that your mom could do more for herself and not impact on them so much? If they feel that way, it may be time for you to sit down with them and really, really listen to their opinion.
You turn off the GUILT SWITCH by being honest with yourself about your priorities, facing them, accepting you can't be all things to all people, then acting accordingly. Those things you do for your Mom that could be done by others, suggest it be hired done or that she do them herself as your time is limited. I don't know your Mom so this isn't a negative about her but we all know how moms can jerk the chains of their daughters. It's amazing how many times a person finds another way to get things done once they're told you can no longer take on certain chores. Your Mom may need to consider your time and obligations needed elsewhere.
I'm getting the impression you have a problem with telling people 'no.' :) If you do, only you can change that. Think it through, decide what you can and can not do that fits in with what it takes to take care of yourself, your own household.
That isn't being selfish, it's self preservation but sharing the load of others to the best of your ability - but not to your detriment!!
So we, my husband and I, are doing odd jobs-just to make ends meet....
I have carried my mothers burden of my dad for so long be cause since I was small he has been addicted to pain meds....which has snowballed into the now, emphysema (from smoking) (which he still does-while he is has oxygen in his nose...just yesterday, the oxygen blew up in his face and has burned his nose and cheeks.......
It is everyday the phone rings and something else has happened....it gets so old! I am just tired of everything... I am tired of other peoples problems becoming mine-and you are right, only I can stop taking their problems on...I just want to be able to live with myself and how I respond to everything that is happening....
Carol
Carol
There are haveta-do's and wanna-do's. Haveta-do's are the things you absolutely have to do for the person because they cannot do them at all by themselves. Wanna-do's are things you want to do for the person and don't have to. Make a list of both and discuss them with yourself. I know it sounds weird but having a discussion with yourself is extremely beneficial :D If the haveta-do's are overwhelmingly numerous, is there someone around who could help? like your husband and kids? Then discuss the wanna-do list. Is there stuff on it that is done daily that could be done weekly? or twice a week? like a foot/leg massage? taking in fresh air with a walk/wheel outside?
Sit down with your husband and kids. Go over the list with them. Work out some sort of a deal with them. Hire the kids. I know you shouldn't have to pay them to help but they are at the age when that's their soft spot, cash. Can your husband do anything since he's home more often since they've cut his work by 20%, I'm sure he could put that time to very good use :) I wouldn't worry about his side business, winter is usually slower when it comes to that and people will always need a handy man :)
You are the captain of your ship. You determine how you will feel emotionally and when you will feel it. Hang in there and lose the guilt. Then, answer this question.. "why am I allowing other people's problems to become mine????" Offer advice if you want, but holy canoli, you have enough to deal with of your own. If you feel you really want to help, add that to your wanna-do list.
Bottom line, analyze your lists and figure out how to deal with them, like you would at work :D Isn't it the cry of successful people "delegate.. delegate.. delegate"??
Hugs to you!
We need to take care of ourselves somehow because if we go nuts, get sick, give up, there is no one to take care of our loved one. I guess I've watched too much TV, but they stress and pound into our heads to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST!
(grin)
Noodle I definitely feel like i am taking care of another child
Dare
the doctors only thought 1 or 2 years well look at me now! Dare
I don't think I've ever read anything on here more disturbing than that. Might I suggest your FIND THE TIME AND THE MONEY to get some professional help for yourself? Whatever has gone on, has gone on too long and you need to find your way back.