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Isolation is exactly where I am at......My circle of friends know a little about what is going on in my world-but just as Baffled stated above-I learned along time ago- not to share too much of your life with even your closest friends-You will be disapointed in their response-I truly believe noone can fully understand or begin to "feel your pain" until they have walked in your shoes. It is really unfair to the friend you are venting to try and understand something they know nothing about. WHat tends to happen is the friend feels helpless or that you are no longer "fun" anymore...and they slowly go away. Which can be devastating for the caregiver.


I have a question for each of you....As I am reading your situations-we have so much in common, yet my situation is a little bit different. MY mother is truly the caregiver of my father (who is chronicall ill)as well as, her mom & dad (who are ill).....I help her out as much as I can-during the holidays things snowballed with all 3 of their health...which brought me into the picture even more.....

So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs & 2 children-How do I help my mom help them and still hold down everything here-I dont know how to prioritize my time? My husband and kids DONT GET IT-THey expect me here. My mom is an only child-she has noone to to turn to-her husband (my Dad) is completely disbaled.

2) Also how do you turn the "guilt switch off?" Just like today-how do you go into work and TRY to ACT normal knowing ALL the STUFF that is going on...and be able to function correctly??

3)Do you ever just hate the whole situation? I have days that I hate everyone involved-b/c they are taking my time away from my children. This is my daughters senior year-I wanted to absorb every momemt I could with her b/c things will be different after she graduates......I have a 15 year old son-that will be will be a gradutating all too soon as well....and I have learned we need to absorb all that we can with our children b/c they grow up so, so quickly. BUT I CANT-b/c I feel guilty if I am not helping everyone else!!

I feel like the worst person in the world that I even allowed those words to come out of mouth, muchless have someone else read my thoughts!

I truly appreciate this site....I also appreciate everyones honesty and what is going on in each of your lives......As I pray for my fanilies situation-I want you all to know, I am praying for you as well-for I turly believe this is bigger than all of can handle alone...and without God we can do nothing-He is truly our strength. However we are humand and we sometimes forget HE is in control.

Love, prayers and Peace- to all
Christy
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You are normal to "hate everyone involved." What you hate is the situation it has put you in - the classic sandwich generation person. And that is okay.

I had a bunch of elders, plus two children, one with a bundle of health problems, and it was always a internal battle about where to go and who to help first. In the end, I believe everyone felt shorted, even if they weren't. I had to do my best and let go. I tried to be perfect and wasn't (and still am not).

Your best help may be in finding outside help for your mother though your state's aging services (go to your state's main online site and look for something on aging -they should have a phone number). Then, you can ask about options to get help for your mother, so you can give her some help, but still be the mom and wife you need to be. If you know your local Area Agency on Aging, call them. They are great.

Your children should grow with this, but not suffer from it. The same for your marriage. Keep tuned in for comfort, and please look for outside help. You can't do this alone.

Carol
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So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs
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So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs & 2 children-How do I help my mom help them and still hold down everything here-I dont know how to prioritize my time? My husband and kids DONT GET IT-THey expect me here. My mom is an only child-she has noone to to turn to-her husband (my Dad) is completely disbaled.

2) Also how do you turn the "guilt switch off?" Just like today-how do you go into work and TRY to ACT normal knowing ALL the STUFF that is going on...and be able to function correctly??
Christy

First, you have more than 2 jobs. Sounds to me like you have five or more. You need to take a few quiet moments to yourself, even if it's only while driving, to be brutally honest with yourself. Why do you feel responsible for all those chores? Yes, many need you, but are you shortchanging yourself and others by spreading yourself too thin? What is your first priority? Your kids and husband? Mom? Grandparents? Self?

If you're working two jobs outside the home, I must ask why? I assume your husband is working and you have two children who could work and supplement the family income. Is it your choice to work two jobs or is an absolute necessity? These are questions that only you can answer. It's not all that important you tell us the answers, but it is important you be honest with yourself.

What is it your husband and kids don't get? Do they not believe your mom needs that much help? Do they feel you are not spending enough time with them? If they don't 'get it,' maybe they need to fill in for you now and then with all those family obligations and then maybe they would gain some understanding. My main question to you on this, to be answered to yourself, does the family feel that your mom could do more for herself and not impact on them so much? If they feel that way, it may be time for you to sit down with them and really, really listen to their opinion.

You turn off the GUILT SWITCH by being honest with yourself about your priorities, facing them, accepting you can't be all things to all people, then acting accordingly. Those things you do for your Mom that could be done by others, suggest it be hired done or that she do them herself as your time is limited. I don't know your Mom so this isn't a negative about her but we all know how moms can jerk the chains of their daughters. It's amazing how many times a person finds another way to get things done once they're told you can no longer take on certain chores. Your Mom may need to consider your time and obligations needed elsewhere.

I'm getting the impression you have a problem with telling people 'no.' :) If you do, only you can change that. Think it through, decide what you can and can not do that fits in with what it takes to take care of yourself, your own household.
That isn't being selfish, it's self preservation but sharing the load of others to the best of your ability - but not to your detriment!!
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I am a real estate agent (which unfortunately isnt a full time job right now!) I try to work on real estate in the mornings and in the afternoons I go in from 2:00-6:00 and work in an after school program to supplment my income. My husband is a fire fighter and his pay has been cut 20% due to the economy on top of his side business has deminished (he does home repairs) DUE TO OUR wonderful ECONOMY-that has dwindled as well!

So we, my husband and I, are doing odd jobs-just to make ends meet....

I have carried my mothers burden of my dad for so long be cause since I was small he has been addicted to pain meds....which has snowballed into the now, emphysema (from smoking) (which he still does-while he is has oxygen in his nose...just yesterday, the oxygen blew up in his face and has burned his nose and cheeks.......

It is everyday the phone rings and something else has happened....it gets so old! I am just tired of everything... I am tired of other peoples problems becoming mine-and you are right, only I can stop taking their problems on...I just want to be able to live with myself and how I respond to everything that is happening....
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You've been a caregiver since you were a kid, it seems. Have you tried Al-Anon or Families Anonymous? The good people there would understand your background of trying to help your mom with your addicted father. I know it sounds like one more thing to do, but they are very good at helping people learn to detach with love, and drop the guilt. You have had "enough." It's time for your mom to hire some help and you to stand up for yourself and your family - with love. That doesn't mean abandoning your mom and dad. It's finding balance (I know - way easier said than done.)
Carol
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Anyone read the 'Boundaries' book?
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No whats it about?
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It's really good just about setting boundaries in our lives and about not feeling guilty about those boundaries. It's by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It has been very helpful to me.
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Something that helped was at the request of our pastor I wrote down all the things I was willing and not willing to do for the husband when I finished the list I said whow I do all that and it has taken an eternity to get him to hire someone to help him with things I did not want to do repaires etc. but it is being done finally. Of course the husband looked at the list of his cares etc. and said but what are going to do for me? those who know me probably said how typicial of him. Lose the word guilt-my decarations for Christmas was putting up a wreath on the dooe and I am still writing cChristmas cards- I am telling some people I am not late i am really early-plus they were on sale when I bought them.
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Austin, I love your humor. If we don't laugh, we'll cry, so we have to find a way to laugh sometimes.
Carol
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About disappearing friends : be assured that you'll hear from them again when they have problems.
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AuntieCedent, If that ain't the truth nothing is Funny how capable we all are and in my case I have some of the laziest people in my life they have taught me to say NO very easily. Best feeling I've had in a long long time.
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well im going to take my mom to the store today please wish me luck and pray for patience I love her but it is just so hard at times,today I feel like I have the energy of a turtle thanks Bernardine
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Hello I am care for my Grandmother all by myself we los Grandpa in December 23, 2008 and since then Grandma won't sleep in her bed I have tried buying a new bed that didn't work she did sleep with me because she gets scared at night Grandpa slept in a hospital bed in our living room. The hospital bed is gone and now Grandma sleeps in her recliner I am sleeping on the couch because I can't even go to the bathroom without her being scared I am going to leave her. She has been dependent on me for going on 3 years but now it has gotten worse. I tried taking her out to eat but now she doesn't have an appettite I know she is grieving but I am exhausted her kids don't help at all. Not one bit. My Aunt calls asks what she can do when I tell her she always has an excuse. I am not working because Grandma was mean to the nurse I had coming and she quit I need some advice I need to work and a break sometimes. How can I reassure her I am not leaving her?
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I was told by a wise old soul many years ago that no one makes you feel guilty other than yourself. It's a self inflicted emotion. When you ask yourself why you feel guilty most often the response starts with the word "I" as in "I don't think I'm doing enough" or "I feel I should be doing more". On the other hand, if someone is telling you you're not doing enough, they're running a guilt trip on you and that's a lot easier to recognize and respond to emotionally, especially if you know you're doing your best. Tell them to kiss your patootie :)

There are haveta-do's and wanna-do's. Haveta-do's are the things you absolutely have to do for the person because they cannot do them at all by themselves. Wanna-do's are things you want to do for the person and don't have to. Make a list of both and discuss them with yourself. I know it sounds weird but having a discussion with yourself is extremely beneficial :D If the haveta-do's are overwhelmingly numerous, is there someone around who could help? like your husband and kids? Then discuss the wanna-do list. Is there stuff on it that is done daily that could be done weekly? or twice a week? like a foot/leg massage? taking in fresh air with a walk/wheel outside?

Sit down with your husband and kids. Go over the list with them. Work out some sort of a deal with them. Hire the kids. I know you shouldn't have to pay them to help but they are at the age when that's their soft spot, cash. Can your husband do anything since he's home more often since they've cut his work by 20%, I'm sure he could put that time to very good use :) I wouldn't worry about his side business, winter is usually slower when it comes to that and people will always need a handy man :)

You are the captain of your ship. You determine how you will feel emotionally and when you will feel it. Hang in there and lose the guilt. Then, answer this question.. "why am I allowing other people's problems to become mine????" Offer advice if you want, but holy canoli, you have enough to deal with of your own. If you feel you really want to help, add that to your wanna-do list.

Bottom line, analyze your lists and figure out how to deal with them, like you would at work :D Isn't it the cry of successful people "delegate.. delegate.. delegate"??

Hugs to you!
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Hi everyone I have a question does anyone else feel tired all the time like mentally tired? I wake up dont do much and feel exhausted I was wondering if it is just me or do others who are care givers feel the same Bernardine
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hey I am so tired all the time i hate getting out of bed everything seems like a pain in the you know what. today has been hell grandmother took her morning pills feel asleep woke up and took her night pills she is shaky confused etc. worse than usual. I think we have a form of depression thats making us tired. Dare
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Yes, yes, yes, this afternoon I had to decide (Now I am at work) should I get a cup of coffee or take a nap I am getting to that phase in my life where a nap would be nice I get up every morning between 4:30 and 5 and go to bed at 10 every night from the time I get up it is go go go, yes I am tire, mentally, physically, emotionally, before Mom came, I moved my parents to my state and took care of them both in their own little apartment than Dad got sick he was at one hospital or another for 4 months than had a stroke than died than did all the running for mom now she's been with me 8 months, I am tired. But keep on trucking couple more years I can retire I hope and than I get some time for me. Hang in there with both hands it will get better think about something that happened in your life previous it worked out it always does somethings just take longer. XXX's and OOO's Neon
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It's the mental strain that brings on the fatigue. Somehow, we just have to change out outlook on things, even if it only last for a few days.
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neon how old is your mom? Dare
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Thanks everyone for respnding it sure does help alot Bernardine
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she is 82
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We have the "new mother" syndrome but aren't suited for it mentally or physically if we're over 45. New mothers are usually young and excited! Think about it. There's sleep deprivation, up in the middle of the night for potty, poopy diapers, feedings, tantrums, cheering ups and lots of other similar things. Our time isn't our own mentally or physically.

We need to take care of ourselves somehow because if we go nuts, get sick, give up, there is no one to take care of our loved one. I guess I've watched too much TV, but they stress and pound into our heads to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST!

(grin)
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she is 82 but she is deaf I had her hearing checked and it is so bad she isn't even a candidate for a hearing aid, I took her to the eye doctor all I've heard for the last upmteen years is I need glasses we've given her money for glasses for 20 years that I know of when she lived in MD well she has cataracts now won't have them removed, has high cholesterol, won't eat a good diet only wants pepsi, potato chips ham sandwiches anything in a can that is loaded with sodium, she has high blood pressure, she has arthritis of the spine so her back hurts all the time won't take the meds the doc gives her for that for fear of being addicted? At 82 who cares? I am 60 I won't list my problems they are more than hers but I take my meds or I wouldn't be able to function and I have to function . I want to function Now we are fighting a pottie issue, she is controlling its her way or no way so I just do what needs to be done, she got a new prescription card I am trying to put a folder together with all her info so I won't have to hunt when and if something happens it will eventually, I have a pottie that was my dads, I had my husband bring it down so she can use it at night, as of this time she is squatting over a tiny trash can that was at my desk at night well if your back hurts and you are almost 100 lbs over weight you shouldn't be squatting. She won't go anywhere except once a month to the bank and to the dollar store to get her treats, and her lottery tickets. other than that she sits and sits and sits and sits and sleeps and eats and sits. she is up all night long tearing up papers and doing only knows what its very nerve wracking and draining. I try to give her flowers, compliment her, make her nice hot meals she pushes it all away so I have backed off and let her do her own thing, she falls she's going in the nursing home the end, I know that sounds terrible but enough is enough. at this point I think she is or has been suffering with dementia, if you heard the story I got on why she wanted to move in with me you would have had her committed. No lie!
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neon i was just wandering that when you retire will you have to take care of her fulltime?


Noodle I definitely feel like i am taking care of another child
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Yes, unless her health is so bad she will have to go to a nursing home I am a little 5"2 122 lb woman she is 178 lbs 5'7 hard headed and hateful and I will only put up with so much from her, there has been a lot I mean alot I have forgiven her just as an example she wanted to take my first child from me said I wasn't fit to be a mother, I was 20 I worked I paid her all my money except bus fare to take care of him she would leave him in his crib all day never change a diaper and his diaper rash was my fault do you know I would have done anything to get out of there and practically did but I also knew I had to think of this child she locked me out of the house one day when he was 18 months old this is in the 60's I had to take her to court to get him cops didn't do anything back then they called it a domestic dispute so she is very lucky to have me well thats my opinion she has other children and they want nothing to do with taking care of her and I don't blame them I just have this stupid need to do everything "right" I guess because all my life in her opinion I never did anything right and its see you were wrong I love my mother I like others feel envy when I see woman who have great relationships with their mothers and I really thought at this time we would finally get close, but there are days she doesn't even talk to me and you know what at first I was really stressed out about it but it doesn't matter to me anymore.
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neon unfortunately she sounds anorny like grandma, stubborn and mean, she has always been that away oh and she lies all the time. i don't like talking to her because she can't hear when she does she don't listen you have to repeat over and over. oh i would throw the trash can away and if she does use the potty put small bags in for easy clean up best wishes
Dare
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neon if she can afford it i would put her in a home you are not going to have any time to enjoy what life you have left. i also had a child when i was 20 and grandmother threatened to take him away offered to baby sit so i could go out then said i rather go out then take care of my own child it was just a way to control me grandma only had one child my dad witch died 18years ago i have one brother who don't do ANYTHING. i have missed out on so much fun with my kids because i (we) can't leave the house unless i find someone to stay with her no one offers no one visits her they don't even call nobody likes her she has always been evil i took them in because 5 years ago i didn't think they would last this long
the doctors only thought 1 or 2 years well look at me now! Dare
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"nobody likes her she has always been evil i took them in because 5 years ago i didn't think they would last this long the doctors only thought 1 or 2 years well look at me now!" dare

I don't think I've ever read anything on here more disturbing than that. Might I suggest your FIND THE TIME AND THE MONEY to get some professional help for yourself? Whatever has gone on, has gone on too long and you need to find your way back.
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