I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
bye Dare
if she is taking 30 minutes to pee, you might consider taking a urine sample to the doctor. That is not normal and could be a bladder infection which is serious in older people, or indication of another problem.
as far as the smell goes - there are plenty of products you can buy online that can remain in the bathroom without spraying. Hope you give yourself a break soon. It sounds as if you have hit the limit of your endurance....time for cyberhugs from your peers on this board & taking a break outside.
Dare
The more stories I read, I'm so blown away!!! I've only been taking care of my mom for a little over two months and it was over my head. I have very little or no help from my siblings. So I contacted my local Caregiver Resource Group and received a Grant for Inhome Suppport Care. I couln't do it by myself anymore. My hat is off to you ladies!!! But please, please it's now time to take care of yourself. If you're at the point of dire straits... if your parent is able to live in assisted living it's time!!! You've done your best! I'm not judging but I do believe when your health starts to suffer it's time to do the ultimate. If your health goes down, you want be of help to anyone including yourself, husband and/or children.
The facilitor of my caregiver support said "Caregivers are Angels of Society".
How true it is!!!
There are a few of you that I'm going to say an extra prayer before you health deteriorates any further!!!
Take care of yourselves "Angels"
-Jazzy
I'm finding that siblings is my second worst enemy next to myself. If they dont contribute to the care, then they have no clue what it is like. I told myself to forgive my brother for the way he's been treating me for he doesn't know what it's like. But I can't, because how dare he treat me this way when he doesn't know what it's like. If you say you are done, Breakdown. Then be done. No matter what you say to your siblings, they won't understand. So it's like beating your head against a brick wall. We know that gets us no where.
No where is it written, that we HAVE to do this.
I have been considering getting at least some 4 hr daily help. He is with the VA and I believe that they will cover that much care. I guess one of MY problems is-is that I've worked side by side over the years with some AWFUL- and I mean AWFUL caregivers (ones that steal, one's that are lazy, do not feed, bathe or keep the client clean--hell, one even gave the client a live lighter after being repeatedly told not to, and the client set herself on fire!). My biggest fear is dealing with someone like that. I don't want to have this bitchy attitude right from the get-go. Any advice on dealing with these feelings? Yes, some may suggest I take care of my father full time. I also have issues/feelings about that. Like I can handle just so much when dealing with a loved one. It's different somehow to go into a strangers home and care for someone you don't know. With my father, I have known him all my life, an intelligent man who always had an answer for every problem, who could fix anything, who isn't this person that he is slowly becoming--Am I making any sense to anyone.....
I've had other professional caregivers tell me they "know too much," and find it hard to let go and let others care for their own family, but they can't do it either. It's a true catch 22. Either way is tough.
Getting help is a good answer. Can you find an agency where you know some people? Getting references from satisfied family members is probably your best chance at finding some peace with this. Then, you will have to make yourself let go. But you'll also want to do what we all need to do, and that is be aware. Your problem, which you recognize, is being aware without being paranoid. I'm not saying it will be easy, but talking to people you know (in the field) and getting some recommendations may ease your mind.
Good luck with this tough issue and please let us know how you are doing.
Carol
Hope this helps some.
you'll have to pick the sitter carefully as you already know.
I am currently a paid in home caregiver. I know what you mean about working with people who give us a bad name. I quit at a nursing home because of the way things were being done. Could not be a part of that.
One suggestion is, be very clear about what you want, need and expect. You have the right to ask ANY question you want to. If the person is getting uncomfortable or edgy, send them down the road. Make sure they have professional references. Not just personal ones. Family references also.( Family that they worked for in the past.) You can run a background check for a few dollars on the Internet.
The most important thing is follow your gut. If you are uncomfortable in any way do not hire this person. Let them know this is a trial period. Nothing is written in stone.
I often think about my own situation. I was hired simply on the basis of a recommendation of a family friend (their family) and it was 3 weeks before I heard from anyone. Thank God I am honest, trustworthy and have my clients best interest at heart.
My problem is unique in the sense that I can not get the family to participate. What a crazy world we live in.
You will be in my prayers to find the right person, because there are very good caregivers out there, but sometimes hard to find. And just because they are from an agency does not mean they are right for the job.You can call your BBB and see if there have been any complaints against an agency you may be thinking about contacting.
Make a list of the questions you have, and a list of things you want and need done. A Lot of times, the sign of a good one is when they do more than was asked of them. Good Luck and prayers for you. Let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.
Traditional Interview vs. Behavioral Interview
In a traditional interview, you will be asked a series of questions which typically have straight forward answers like "What are your strengths and weaknesses?" or "What major challenges and problems did you face? How did you handle them?" or "Describe a typical work week."
In a behavioral interview, an employer has decided what skills are needed in the person they hire and will ask questions to find out if the candidate has those skills. Instead of asking how you would behave, they will ask how you did behave. The interviewer will want to know how you handled a situation, instead of what you might do in the future.
Questions in a Behavioral Interview
Behavioral interview questions will be more pointed, more probing and more specific than traditional interview questions:
# Give an example of an occasion when you used logic to solve a problem.
# Give an example of a goal you reached and tell me how you achieved it.
# Describe a decision you made that was unpopular and how you handled implementing it.
# Have you gone above and beyond the call of duty? If so, how?
# What do you do when your schedule is interrupted? Give an example of how you handle it.
# Have you had to convince a team to work on a project they weren't thrilled about? How did you do it?
# Have you handled a difficult situation with a co-worker? How?
# Tell me about how you worked effectively under pressure.
Follow-up questions will also be detailed. You may be asked what you did, what you said, how you reacted or how you felt.
Lazor has some good information and sample questions. I'd like to throw some opinions out there because unlike most jobs, caregiving is incredibly important, but the candidates are all over the place in terms of why they are CNA's or HHA's. My opinions are based on years of hiring people and specifically what I saw as core skills for aides in eldercare. I have had direct experience with paid caregivers in a SNF when I consulted as business manager for a SNF.
1. How do you feel about the person on first meeting - non verbal cues tell you alot.
2. Before the interview, let them meet your parent (or loved one) - - how the chemistry is will tell you much more than an interview.
3. I usually just chat for a bit - find out about their life and views on certain topics - make them feel at ease and take them out of interview mode.
4. Once they are comfortable you can have the common sense questions - solicit their opinions on how to handle different situations and see what they tell you.
5. After about 30 - 40 minutes the person will have dropped their guard. If they haven't - strike them from the list. You want to interview someone unguarded and un-scripted.
6. Ask them why they want the job? really....if they can't be honest you can't trust them to not surprise you later
7. Ask them about their past & tell them you will be doing livescan / background - is there anything you should know? At that point, they may feel comfortable enough to tell you the real deal in their personal situation.
8. If you feel good enough about them - get some references. Ask them if they are ok if you call one of them right now & pick up the phone.....if they flinch - red flag. Make that call & have a real chat with the refernce. (no one ever expectsthis...and it works) watch their face while you talk to their reference...if it turns out it is a buddy - ask them if there is something they want to tell you. If they have been fired - ask them, it may or may not have been their fault. But anger or unpredictable behaviour will crop up if you push them.....
9. Give them a math and logic test. If they cannot add or spell, you will have a problem down the road. Can what is the decimal for 1/4? Easy or???
10. By this time you already know about the person and then ask them what they think about you and the person they would be taking care of.
if all is ok - invite them back for a paid test day....
Bonus - if your family member or pet doesn't like them - take it as a sign they aren't going to work out.
Most interviewing is intuition and a delicate balance of getting to know the person. Many good people may have a black mark or two - many bad people may come off as perfect. Have fun, you are picking someone who you are trusting with a family member.
Most of you can find out what your state offers by going on your state Web site and finding "aging resources" or something related. Most often, if you dig, you'll find a phone number and you can talk with someone who can direct you to local funding or respite resources, if they are available. It shouldn't be so hard. Caregiver's are already pushed to the limit. But if we don't look, we won't find what is available. Maybe that is a job a sibling could take on?
Carol
My next beef is family members: My husband other 2 brothers are so shallow minded that they cant see what a lovely woman this is. I have left that problem to my husband because I can't deal with their stupid ways. They took this womans stuff and had a yard sale and sold things she wanted to keep. They said they talked with an elderly attorney and he recommended it also they talk to a pchyaritrice and said she need closure. They didnt let us know they did this until the poor woman came back here and she told us the next day in tears. I was so angry. Anyway now we have 2 brothers we dont even talk to anymore. One just recently married and she works at a hospital and she thinks she knows everything. It is just frustrating. They don't realize they are losing valuable time with this woman everyday. Oh and the daughter o my god she is a nut case in her self she is a prescription juncky. That explains itself. She has gotten better . She use to call her no lie 6 times a day. I fixed that problem got caller Id so I don't have to talk to her anymore.
Sorry had all this on my chest.
The family one - we're all on our own, but suggestions from others, and even just "having company in our misery," is so helpful. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Carol
Now my cat is sick! So not taking mom to the bathroom, cleaning up cat barf! Poor Kitty. I am of the belief that they can't help it so there is no point in getting angry about it. I do tell my mother she just went to the bathroom and sometimes that helps her and she says she can wait. She really can wait. Her pride is that she doesn't wet bed so every time she slightly wakes up, she thinks she has to pee.
My mother took care of her mother (this must be in our DNA..) and I recall grandma taking laxatives because she didn't "go" everyday. Of course she didn't eat enough to go. I watch my mom's diet so she gets enough fiber foods and if that doesn't work to prune juice does!
I figure my mom changed enough of my diapers so now she gets a return on her investment.
Julie Q
My mother had a number of (UTIs). Took her in and found that she had a block in a tub going from kidney to blatter. As for stool, with all the pain meds that they take and some others make it hard for them to go. Ask the doctor what would be the best thing for you to use. We used Mirilax (sp). It seemed to be the only thing to help.
Try to take some time for you, I know that it is hard. Remeber good times. Much like our children our parents are growing fast. Lots of Love