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This is one of the most loving and supportive things I have read in a long time. You not only are good with your dad, you raised a loving and caring daughter.Thank you for sharing this with us.
I hope we all take a minute to realize a Loving Power greater than us recognizes what we are doing.
My day has gotten off to a wonderful start. Thank you again for sharing.
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HI everyone haven't been on for a while, my oldest brother has brain cancer and is blind now. His wife works two days a week at a nursing home doing hair so my little sister and I are taking turns staying with him while she works. The doctors say that there is nothing else they can do and that he will start having seizures. My brother has been a very active person all his life and not being able to do anything is driving him nuts. Is there anything he can do to pass the time so he won't be so bored. He's complaining that all he does is eat and sleep. My mom is still out in left field she is seeing things now that can't possibly be there and when we show her it's not there she will argue with you. But oh well she is still here with me and that is all that matters to me. Hope everyone is coping and are able to take a deep breath once in a while. Barb
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Hi .. I'm Judy .. A few of the things on this board sound just like my situation. First of all, I'm an only child. I worked for a major telephone carrier and everyone got laid off due to a loss of contract a few years ago. Ironically, at that same time, my mother was in the hospital due to a chronic heart condition. She was dying. After my father passed 3 years ago, I refused to move in with her as we don't have a very good history due to her mental illness. She's had OCD and major issues her entire life. I went through hell long before this and now it's far worse due to dementia and Alzheimer's disease. The last stroke was in August of last year and she's been kind of in and out of reality since. I had to move in with her when I thought she was dying. I got her medications straight, administered them properly and literally pulled her back from the jaws of death. She cusses me out, is upset if I don't go to bed at the exact time she does and not watch tv in the bedroom; The list goes on and on. My daughter was left the house and all assets by my stepfather and mother and she refuses to assist me in any way with her care, not even a respite occasionally. I feel like a prisoner. I can certainly relate to the person who says, "Just how many times can you go to Walmart" and that she doesn't even have friends anymore since she cannot break free for any time to have a social life. That describes me to a tee. I've tried every social program out there, including Dept of Aging to no avail. I either get that the funds are exhausted or there's a 2 to 3 year waiting list. My Stepfather left my mother in good shape insurance-wise and his social security (Widow's pension) pays the bills. She gets a pension from him each month to do with as she pleases and expects me to pay for any repairs that arise within HER HOME! I have to do so and tell her this and then withdraw it from her checking account in secret. If there's a hell on earth, I certainly have found it. Finally, I'm 62 and able to draw my social security (which will be very little) but wanted to wait till I'm 66. Unfortunately, I have to be here at this thankless caretaker job with no income. How's that for stress? P.S. I have a kind heart and have done so much for my family with nothing in return (never asked either). Sure hope someone up there likes me.
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beemo,
Rest assured someone up there loves you. And we do too. We all have this wonderful, blessed place to come and have our feelings without judgment. It helps just to know we are not alone with our feelings and thoughts.
Take care of yourself. You really don't need her permission to have some time to yourself. I hope you find a way to have a little time off.
Let us know how you are doing. God Bless.
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I just moved in with my parents in November of 2008. Both of my parents are elderly and not in very good health, especially my 74 year old mother. She has the beginning stages of alzheimers and a had an emergency colostomy in May of last year, when I also got laid off from my job. She also had a stroke, heart attack and 3 knee replacements in 2007. My 83 dad also has several health problems including a heart attack (with a defibrillator that was improperly replaced). I am 40 years old and can relate to what a lot of you said about not being able to get out of the house (except to go to Walmart). to have time to yourselves and not many of my "friends" seem to understand. I try to take an occassional road trip as I have the time and money to. I am also trying to take an online medical transcription course to occupy my time and they also have job placement so that I may possibly be able to work at home upon completion of the course. My brother, who lives in Orlando, comes up when he can but he has a business and his family and cannot come to relieve me very often. Otherwise, I have no relief and no one to talk to here. It is frustrating to see both of my parents' health decline with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, but I am doing the best I can, but it is discouraging at times. I was hesitant to comment on this website, but unfortunately I have limited options here. I love my parents very much and know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, but it does get overwhelming at times. I appreciate any comments and/or suggestions that anyone has to offer. Thank you!
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hi I'm new here...my 80 year old dad has been caring for my uncle with sever dementia, my aunt passed away this december, after an illness. my dads been taking care of uncle for ablou6 months now. my uncle is incontinent (both bowel and urine).we just (this past monday) put him in an assisted home with a dementia ward. he went there tour and liked the place we told him he was going he was fine with it,when we visit he begs to go home, becomes very aggitated when we say he has to stay. we dont know what to do...dads thinking of bringing back home and getting someone in the house to care for him. I fear he wont like anyone at the house. my dad is sole caretaker (this is his brother in law my mom and his wife are/were sisters)
unclle says hes getting good care, hes clean, doesnt smell, but wants to go home
we are fustrated....please help
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Welcome mslisadoll,
I am sorry you felt hesitant to post, you will find this very supportive and non-judgemental place to put your feelings. That is one of the main things I appreciate about our sight, is not being judged.
You will find others that feel the way you do, and will be present for you. You have your hands full and was very glad to hear of your course and potential job. So you are a busy lady.......
Please keep posting and letting others get to know you. We are all different in many ways and yet the same. So again, welcome and keep us informed how things are going. God Bless.
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Hi mslisadoll! I too was hesistant to comment here. Been here for a week now. Lots of wonderful caregivers here. When we read other's stories, it gives us inspiration and more courage to keep going. I'm taking care of my Dad who's 74. But you are wonderful, you are taking care of two. Just remember to take care of yourself!!!! Take Care.
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dortyc
It takes time for them to adjust to change. It sounds like this is the best place for him and it had to be very hard on your dad taking care of him. Please tell your dad how much I respect what he had done.
Has your uncle left his room? Does he get to associate with others,ect.?It will take time and lots of encourgement from all of you. Put yourself in his place, wouldn't you want to go home if you were confused and forgetful to begin with. He will be ok, and you all have made the right choice. Just be patient with him and yourselves and time will take care of his anxiety.
Hopefully he is getting to interact with other residents so he has company and distractions. Let us know how things are going.
Welcome to our sight of loving and caring people who have alot to offer.
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hi linda thanks for your comments
yes he is interacting with other resedents the aides there tell us hes doing fine. but when we visit hes really addamint about going home yesterday he had us my sister and I go to his room with him and he went in the closet and was putting on his coat. very gut wrenching. my dad is thankful right now to get his life back..we try comfoting my uncle telling him "the boss" (what he calls my dad) isnt able to take care of him like he was. was glad myy sister was with me last night, wednesday I visited and left in tears.
sorry going on and on again.
thanks for listening
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Brakedown- there is nothing wrong with having a meltdown or as my co-workers use to say a hoedown-sometimes that is the only way people will listen to you- I am so sorry for what you have gone through and are going through and am glad your daughter has been there for you. I was feeling sorry for myself today but after I read your post know I should not complain to myself about my life- at least I can get in a car and go to walmart which I should have done when my husband was having his mania the first time yesterday, he stopped taking his bi-polar meds a while ago.
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Hey DorothyC -
just because someone has dementia and a continence problem doesn't automatically mean nursing home. Your uncle is obviously self-aware enough to know he doesnt' want to be there. The question is will you and your family be willing to do what it takes to bring him back home and if need be hire someone to help. If you dad isn't able to handle it alone - can you and others help?
The fact that someone doesn't smell & seems ok with the other residents doesn't mean much if they are aware enough to want to leave. I know how hard it is - I take care of my mom by myself and have for sometime. It takes work to retrain and help with incontinence and it takes patience and love to understand that what is easy isn't always the best.
Please understand - I have been a business manager for a SNF. I personally choose to keep my mom at home. I am single with NO help. So what I say is this - if you can make your uncles life better and bring him home do it. Facilities are not a *home*, and assisted living is not like summer camp where people get used to it and have fun - basically it sucks getting old, and not controlling your bowels and it sucks being put someplace when you are old because everyone else wants "their life back".

If you are at peace with your decision, that is great. But if part of you wonders maybe it is not his time yet. Remember that one day we all get old.

Take care
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Welcome all new people this is a great place to go to and share it is good to have others who understand what you are going through-I take care of my husband who is disabled and have an aide 5 hrs. twice a week.
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well went to visit my dad, kind of got the brush off from the authorities... lol... wasn't informed of any ideas they were considering on my dads care... not surprising as i did tell them i couldn't do this anymore by myself... was told they were taking him off his stool softners and laxitives... he has internal hemorriods and takes pain meds that make him contipated... so that will be interesting when he is so stopped up and in pain due to his constipation... everytime i suggested something to them they just looked at me... i know they are once again dismissing me and my comments... now i am going to worry about dads care... seems i am damned if i do and damned if i don't... any suggestions...
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Breakdown - did they say that a social worker will be working with you- do not worry right now they are trying to get things under control but you have the right to have the doc talk to you a lot of hospitals in our area have hospital docs called hospitalist who report back to your MD but when my husband is in the hospital I insist being informed of what is going on by the doc every few days- the personal did not treat you right even if they are busy they should explain things to you and be interested in how you feel and if you can no longer care for him you need for them to listen to you- in our hospitals the social workers usually see pt.s the day they are admitted. Please do not feel bad that you can not do it any more-it gets to that point usually and remember no one is helping you. Please let me know how you are doing I care about you and boy do I wish I could talk to you in person but this site is great because whatever you are going through someone else is also and can give you some comfort-take care of yourself dear lady and write back.
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Dear Roxie,
I just read what you posted a while ago, today, 2/16/09.
It made me want to cry because I see my Mom declining too. I am single and my father has already passed away several years ago. I have no siblings living. I am alone caring 24/7 for my aging Mom. she can move around a little bit but someone needs to be here. Her balance is not very good and her legs are weak. I am trying to juggle Mom's diabetes as well as my own. I mess up though sometimes.
I never had a lot of friends to begin with, now I have none. I feel responsible for Mom. I cannot afford a home health aide more than eight hours a week. It is only then that I sprint to my own doctor for an hour. I race there and race back.
It takes me an hour to get there and an hour to get home. I spend an hour thus I have thirty minutes to breathe...while waiting for public transportation back to the station where I parked the car.
I cannot tell the difference between lazy and depressed. All I want to do is sleep.
All I do is clean up after my Mom, cook, manage medication, laundry, and personal bathing, not to mention getting dressed and reading mail to her too.
I do not have a life. And I am sad and ...well depressed about it. There is no one to help me...just out of pocket paid health aides.

Oh I apologize. I doubt anything I have written provided any support. I do not have any suggestions. As you can see, I am a bit overwhelmed with my own caretaking responsibilities. I hope something positive happens for you and your family. Best wishes...
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Charde, you are definately not lazy! Look at what you do, and cut yourself some slack. Your mother is so very blessed to have you. I'm caring for my father age 74, with no other siblings. My Mom, and Brother both died a year apart many years ago, so it's just me. He doesn't have any idea how lucky he is sometimes. A lot of times he has said to me "I never asked for your help, I don't need your help, and I don't want it". "I don't like you, and what you have become". I can deal with that now, because I now know that's not true." You are a good person to care for your mother all by yourself, of course it is tiring and depressing. Just know that you must take care of YOU too. Bless you, and take care!
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MIL REALLY BROKE MY HEART.Husband and have been doing this alone foralmost a year.No help from outside,or family, yet brother comes to visit last night 2nd time in 7 weeks, and all of a sudden she's telling him its time to sell the house and go to a nursing home. Would you not think this would have been something she may have told the two people who have given up EVERYTHING to be here 24/7.The two that will be homeless, needing to start a new life.I am pissed off excuse my language, but i am hurt. As i said to husband this morning we will be the ones expected to get this house ready to be sold.... alot of things will need to be addressed before it will pass inspectiion, husband has already put in hundreds of hours and dollars( she has money)who will have to paack it all find the home deal with it all,, ME...... i'M SORRYthis inwriting seems very selfish of me but somewhere deep inside i thought just maybe she could see what we have and are doing here.
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Hi Ms Tish

Don't feel bad. I gave up everything to move in with my mother also. She and my stepfather left everything and I mean EVERYTHING (even their cash assets) to my daughter, who they claim they had raised simply because she'd spend a few weeks here and there with them during her lifetime
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beemo,i really don't want anything from her my husband and i are truly willling to walk away from any inheritane we only wanted to honor her and keep her home where she wanted to be, I just feel as though she has no respect for me or my husband.
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Well Ladies and Gentlemen, after all the preaching I've been giving others about patience, etc., today I blew it all to hell. I need to vent right now, and this is better than continuing an argument that's not going to be understood anyway. I went OCD today, and had to sterilize everything Dad touches, like I do everyday, because he claims he washes his hands, but I'm not seeing evidence of that unless I supervise. After changing poopy sheets, that I just changed the other day, and having to do it again, and then getting yelled at because I'm not going to mail all his tax info out of state instead of letting me help him do it in my state, and he doesn't even have all the interest statements yet anyway.....blah blah blah, I just lost it after he yelled at me and said you know it all, just go ahead and do it yourself. I lost it and said, you don't have to put up with me too much longer. He said promise? I said that's a promise! I said be careful what you wish for you just might get it. I then said I hope I never become like you! He said I hope I never become like you! I said don't worry you won't! That's your problem! Now he is sitting on the couch as usual, sulking, or napping because all this arguement did was wear his poor frail body out! My heart is racing so wildly right now. My health cannot take any more of this abuse. venting! He is going to have to go to assisted living. This is not what I wanted to do. I thought I could handle this, but I cannot. I will probably feel like a failure when I do though, and will probably worry more. Sorry, just venting!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thats okay thats what we are here for. to V E N T.... I know what you mean and you shouldn't feel like a failure thats what they have those places for. You are not superwoman unless you're like me I have a Big Red S tattooed on my chest, NOT! but everybody thinks I do . I have been dealing with my mother. the trouble here is she has always played little mind games and I never know when its a game or if its the real thing I think she is losing it refuses to talk to anyone, won't go anywhere, everything has to be her way, is ruining my entire house that I finally got after 60 years and its just a little country place nothing special but I sacrificed a lot to get it and have always taken care of my parents finacially because they never grew up just enough to have kids and I won't go there thats another venue.

Let him sulk he probably won't remember it when he wakes up anyway. I know in the last two years my cholesterol won't go down, now I have HB and take two of those lovely little zombie tablets and I have a 30% blockage in my heart not to mention my nerves or what I have left of them. I have made my mind up and it won't be long when the time comes thats what they are there for she is going. I am only one person, the hired help who doesn't get payment its all about her always has been and will be till the end. I know I sound crass but it is what it is if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck its gotta be a duck. Its always my fault probably just like you no matter what the subject is. I wonder what it's like to be perfect oh well I'll never know no sense wondering about that there is mother to take care of LOL and thats the way it is Tues. Feb 17, 2009. don't give up on yourself you have already shown who you are and you are Fabulous!! I know I am how do you like that for boosting your self. I do it all the time or I wouldn't be able to cope. neon
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Neon, thanks so much for the uplift! I needed it. Quack Quack! LOL. nauseated
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Your so welcome if we don't make fun of stuff sometimes it just gets too over bearing I try to find the humor in most everything, and I find that a lot of people are so uptight they think I am being disrespectful but I'm not humor comes from pain therefore, some of us have better sense of humor than others. Its call survival honey. Hang in there with both hands just as tight as you can and laugh at anything that you find funny it really really helps and find five minutes for yourself somewhere even if you have to go to the bathroom and make faces in the mirror, stick your head out the back door and scream for 25 seconds whatever it takes thats what I do and I am not crazy by a long shot but then they say you're always the last to know LOL neon
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Neon,
Thanks for the reminder to laugh. Yesterday was a mess. Miscommunication between family members about what to do about my clients husbands abscessed tooth. His health has been declining for the past month or so, and some days I am taking care of both of them.
I finally get him to the dentist, she did a root canal AND pulled the tooth. I was livid. It is in his medical statements that he is to go to an oral surgeon because he is a free bleeder!!!!
The dentist got stupid, I got even stupider and then had to go home and call the daughter. I had to explain the dentist never came out and spoke with me about any procedures she was going to do. I would have stopped her had I known.
The daughter got on the phone with the dentist and it got ugly. And the whole time my client is griping that it is taking too long, she was tired, blah, blah, blah.
So my day was crazy. On the way home, the song by Carly Simon , You Think This Song Is About You, came on the radio. I laughed all the way home, because I couldn't decide if I wanted to dedicate the song to my client or to myself!!!!!!!
So we really need to laugh at ourselves first. I take myself way too serious and then something happens to get me to lighten up.
God Bless us all!!!!!
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Nauseated-my dear lady you are NOT a failure I have found if you do not stick up for yourself- no one else will. You have the hardest job in the world. taking the husband shopping - the 3 hrs. getting ready and the backseat driving and getting in and out of the store drove me CRAZY and now we have an aide twice a week who is willing to do the driving and helping in the store and even got the security guard to let the husband drive the handicaped moter w/c into the parking lot made our shopping spree bearable- I do not have it any thing like you do but I know I just can not handle taking him my self it is too stressfull for me I am 68 and have a host of medicial peoblems inculding two fractures in my back letting others know I have my limits has made life much better for me we know better than others what we can do and not do it does not make sense for us to push ourselves beyond what we can do.
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Hi Roxie....I too am a only child , trying to care for a aging mother.
I also feel alone and like the world is on my shoulders. I am 41 but because much of my younger days were filled with illness that with the help of God I have managed to live through...I am not a typical 41 year old. My life has been riddled with abuse...mostly mental/verbal, poverty....I grew up watching my momz have to fight my father ..for both of our lives.
My dad died when I was 14. I quit school ( was bullied tremendously) ...I have gone on to get a ged, and start my online fashion design shoppe( not much $ but its something) I learned to drive a year 1/2 ago...got a car too.

Now momz is getting older, forgetting more, and getting meaner( verbally abusive...what more??)
I love her, and I know I will be there for her no matter waht...as she has been for me... its just that it hurts... it hurts to never do anything right, but always be called on to do something. It hurts to be critized, put down... ( it always has) but now , there is no Im sorry--only I didnt say that!( she forgets)

The forgetfulness is getting worse... and I am tired. I go througfh severe pmdd , which dont help the situation.

My friends arent there....I really dont have any. Family never was , and isnt there for me.

I pray, and cry a lot....So Roxie...I know what youre goin through. i FEELYA GURL!

mAYBE WE WILL FIND THE LOVE AND SUPPORT, AND FRIENDSHIP HERE?
I hope so.

I feel guilty I even said anything ( do you guys get that feeling too?)

Anyway , God Bless you Rox...and all you guys!
Cause your sharing your stories are blessing me...To know I am not alone.

Sabrina/brilliantinax
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Austin, Sabrina, and everyone else too, you are all such angels. I feel like such a crybaby. Will you please call the waaaaaaahmbulance for me LOL. God Bless you all, you are not alone. We are here for you, this site is a blessing! Nauseated
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Sabrina,
You are not alone. and please don't feel anything but relief when you post here. We are here for each other, and you have alot to offer with all your experiances.
I like to quote Cat, she calls this "our charmed circle". you will meet alot of people who feel the way you do and we are here to uplift each other and support our good and bad days.
So keep posting and let everyone know how you are doing. God Bless.
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Nauseated...can I call you NOZ? hahhhaa( smile)
You are NOT a cry baby.... your feelings are valid...I know cause I get that to!!!
Same kinda words...add some cussing in too. bECAUSE OF THE FEW TIMES i HAVE READ THE MESSAGES ON THIS SITE, I feel I have gained the guts to say...WE ARE ALL GREAT KIDS!! No one else would put up with it... sometimes I feel like my life is over, even though I have never really had one.

But God says he will reward us.(We are all his angels...his angels on earth...that means you too!...) and in a way with this site, us coming together ...he is.
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