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Lindam, how very sweet! thank you so much! I already feel better!!!!
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Well, I feel a little "nauseated" tonight. I just got home and my mom has been sleeping most of the day. Unfortunately, she doesn't know what day or month it is or if it's day or night time. Sometimes I don't know whether I want to scream or cry...but I am trying to hang in there. I am going to try to get out with a friend tomorrow to get myself out of the house for a while as I don't get to get out very often. I am so tired...I think part of it is that I don't have time to myself and am not taking very good care of myself. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don't want to be a crybaby either...but it's hard not to be sometimes. Hope everyone else is hanging in there.

mslisadoll
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Mslisadoll, thank God you have a friend you can get out of the house, and be around. I am afraid my situation may be heading down the same road at times.
You are strong for just living your life in the midst of it....You have courage...we all do....we just need to a pat on the back sometimes, for someone to say" well done","youre not alone","and go ahead complain , get pissed,it is unfair.!""its ok to cry"- then we can find the next moment a little more bearable.
This is a good place to get the comfort we need.
God Bless,
enjoy your time out.
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good Morning to all of you. Remember someone does love you and its Jesus go to him there are things we can take care of but those we have no control over we must just give to him and let him take care of them, don't try to take them back. Find some time to do something for you today. Color your hair, do your nails take a soaky bath/shower, read a chapter, crochet two rows of something, fix your favorite meal, spend some time with a friend I know if you can find one, a real friend will be there for you the rest just want to suck you dry believe me I've been there did that. time to do some weeding. I'm not talking about your garden either. Get rid of the crap deal with the parent the best you can even if you have to leave the room to collect your thoughts, Mine wants me to write little notes each day so she knows what needs to be done??? hey lady you live there if your idea living there is a room a tv and meals sounds like anursing home to me. don't have time for little notes so am going to childproof the house. who knew at 60 I would do that again. LOL bring out the blow bubbles, the crayons and coloring books and whatever that makes her happy cartoons yes she does all of the above and can only talk about her child hood knows everything about us but doesn't know nothing never remembers anything except we weren't there for her heaven forbid we should grow up the only reason they wanted us to grow up was to work and bring home money. Yes, I grew up with poverty and verbal and physical abuse to but in those days it was okay to be treated substandard. And this they believe was being good parents. Lord have mercy on us all. This is the place to be I check it everyday sometimes don't have time to post but I feel all your pain it is the same we are in the same boat thank God we still have one oar left. We are sisters in more ways than one. God Bless us all and remember we are not in control and either are "they" It is what it is and thats all it is and unfortunately I've said it before we all have to die some go better than others and I have observed that a hateful spirit will have more trouble with dying than a peaceful one. Please everyone have a peaceful spirit. in spite of what you are dealing with today. love and hugs to all Neon
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Neon- thank you for your words of wisdom-it really helps me get through the day, we went shopping with our aide yesterday and I almost enjoyed the whole thing it was so much easier with his help- the husband did not have one meltdown
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hey everyone, This is my 2nd post! how I can relate to all of you. I wish that I could just hide somewhere but I cant I would just be found! My mom is driving me crazy with her diahrea ,she either wont stop going or she just keeps telling me she has to shit and that is just how she says it by spelling it, she seems to think that by doing that its not the same as saying it. She is constantly calling me telling me she has to go, I have to get her out of bed she cannot get out by her self, then I have to walk her to the portable potty pull her diaper down put her on get her up pull her diaper back up then I get to clean out the bucket either with #1or2 thats alot of fun. Then it is back to bed, then I get to change my Dads diaper because he is bed ridden cannot walk. He just lays in bed, sometimes we get him out but it takes at least 2 of us to do it. I too have good days and bad yesterday was bad! today is ok so far but it has just started so who knows. Tomorrow i have to take my mom to the doctors she has 2 different appointments, so I have to find someone that will come and set with Dad, Thats a challenge too! everybody is always busy. well thanks for letting me vent I have no one else to talk to they dont understand and some just dont care! I am glad that I found this site . overwhelmed.
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Pintos, hey that could be it too many pintos LOL tell her doc its probably some meds she takes that make her spell it . makes you smell it! When I took care of my mother in law she took meds for diabeates and I swear she would crap and spin I never seen so much spell it all over the bathroom in my life, on the wall, shower curtain, toilet, sink, floor her etc. Can she take a anit diaraah tablet ? if all else fails there are depends, and it don't depend on whether she wants to wear it or not she must if she has to go all the time you have to find some way to help yourself you are only one person. My heart goes out to you I took care of MIL my dad and now my mom and it is a job I am worn out by the time Its time to take care of my husband I'll be all gone. NEON Hey keep coming back
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see Austin, help does help, gee how deep is that? Glad you got a little help to get him out and about. I don't feel so wise most of the time but so glad I can be of a little help. Hey I am trying to help alot of people going to put my two cents in this mortgage crisis the US is having something to side track me just had me a little interview with the BBC now if I can find someone right here in the good ole U S of A. by the time I get done my husband will finally be right the biggest thing on me is my yep you guessed it MOUTH! NEON
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NEON, I put depends on her she will not poop in them she wants me to keep running in there to put her on the pot! and I will give her amodium AD after around 3 days of of spills. Thats when she keeps ringing the phone saying she has to go when she does not! Im getting so sick of the phone I sometimes wish that I had not shown her how she could ring us if she needed anything. My bedroom#2 my sons room3 kitchen1 and by gosh there it goes ringing! HAHA shes ready gotta go! pintos
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False alarm! I just had to cover her feet & legs up.
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Pinto- this is not earth shaking but if you spray something like lysol in the comtainer of the commode it is easier to clean-been there done that= have you tried miramx there is a generic one it seems to be a good gentle laxative it seems to do well if used about 3 days a week and it is not gritty so you can hide it in juice or coffee.
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Hello one and all!
I, too, am a caregiver to my father. He is at n-stage Alzheimer's Disease and has lived with me for the past seven (7) years. Oh the stories I could share over these past seven (7) years! LOL! I am not an only child; however, one would think I was given my brother does nothing for daddy or for me for that matter. I do have one son and he is fantastic with grandpa. He and his wife. They are always available to help me out.
I have used so many agencies, I doubted there were any left. None gave the care I wanted daddy to have and they charged a small fortune. I finally, after many tears and many nights filled with curses, followed my dear hubby's advice and started my own agency. Now, not only do I take of daddy, but I also provide care to numerous other patients throughout the day. I have become the "go to gal" when AD is involved!
Is it hard? Yep! Is it worth it? You bet it is! Would I trade one day of it? Not on your life!
If anyone gets to the end of their rope, email me or contact me, or whatever. I am a pretty good listener, a great cheerleader, and sometimes have a solution or two up my sleeve!
Take care of you. Give yourself permission to not always be happy you are a caregiver and take time for you, no matter when you take it, or where! Soemtimes the good Lord provides blessings in the strangest places!
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hello 195Austin, Yeh I have heard of lysol but I was refering to when I have to dump the bucket into to toilet sometimes it just does not want to come out, but eventually after a few bangs on the toilet it will come out. Then I put it in the shower a clean it and yes with lysol! sorry if I upset you I was just venting like the rest of you.
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Hey Neon! thanks so much for your words of encouragement!
You are one strong, clear minded sistah!!! I wish I had that kind of moxi!
I still feel like a alone , lost child ...trying to deal with reality comin at me full force.

My momz is 81...and the memory is getting worse...she is forgetting things and when I tell her what happened that afternoon( the thing she forgot) she argues that she never said , or did it!
Sometimes she recalls it, but I am having to argue more. I am afraid of the unknown...is it what I am fearing? alzheimers?dementia?
Anywayz...I am just begining to recover from dealing with her , after having shoulder surgeory. Shes healing beautifully, but I have never felt such aloneness in my life during that time....My friends, 1 I counted on for verbal support....didn't truly want to be bothered with me, and was there on the phone... but I could tell wanted to deal with her life and her life only at that time.
The other, never asked about my momz...nor does she when we do speak....
It was just me and Jesus...a lot of tears, and emotional pain...yet I got through it, and so did momz.
Now this... I know this isnt much compared to many of you ladies and your situations....but I just had to say it..." I am scared , and I am angry " Scared of whats happeneing( momz memory loss) and angry( because I am constantly reminding her or trying too... constantly answering the same questions, constantly explaining why, when, where....and constantly feeling like a liar( cause she doesnt believe me on things) I am alone in this.
I know there are meds to help, but thats all I know about it.
I just wish I could have a life....after coming so far from my own illness, situations... I am 41 , single, no kids...which I want desperaetly....will i get a chance?
Sorry guys feeling a little sorry for myself tonight.
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"Sometimes she recalls it, but I am having to argue more."

Please try not to argue with someone who has a failing memory. It just leads to both parties being upset. Unless it directly involves their safety, try your best to just let it pass. They can't help it but you can soothe things over by just letting it pass after one attempt to help them remember. Let them think you are wrong, after awhile it doesn't hurt any more. After all, we're there to help them, not help ourselves.

My Mother's forgetfulness is reaching epidemic proportions which does cause more frustrations all around but there is no recovering that memory, we just have to deal with it. Yes, we naturally don't like to be called a liar but the way to prevent that is to not make an issue of what they lose or forget. It doesn't gain anything in the long run to have these confrontations but it is sure difficult to change our own reactions to others and just turn loose and let some things slide by.

Basically, it's called 'survival.' Adapt, adjust, learn to live with what is and not what was. You'll feel better about things if you can reach that state of mind.

Remember, they're the child now and we can't be punishing them verbally or otherwise for what they no longer know.

I won't bore you with the trials ands tribulations I'm going through trying to get Mother's income tax documents together, but I will say this: Had I known that she had decided to protect herself from identiy theft by shredding everything that came in the mail that had her SS number on it, I might not be chasing around now trying to get duplicates of all those documents. She got confused about things she was hearing on TV and decided she'd not sit by and let that happen to her. :) But, within a week she had forgotten about doing all that shredding. Just smile, do what has to be done, we can't change what has already happened.
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Pintos, just a little hint here that might help. After the potty 'bucket' is cleaned, before you return it to the potty chair, put a little liquid in there before it gets used. Water or liquid lysol works great. Just a small amount will keep a lot of that from sticking. Also, putting water in it after it is used and swishing it around some but before you try to dump it helps it to turn loose and ease the pains of trying to get it cleaned and back in place.
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Great post, Annie. This is a supportive site and a wealth of knowledge. I know you'll add to that. Your attitude is great, and your husband must be a gem.

Blessings,
Carol
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Well thank you all for the encouragement I think my wisdome wouldn't fill a thimble but so glad I can be of help. Kinda ticked off at mine this morning I never met someone who knows so much can't do crap or anything for anyone else me me me me, all the time and gets huffy if she don't get her way and guess what it ain't happening in my house at least not until she can't do for herself. Get out of my recliner and move. Geez Louise. NPD is Narcassitic Personaility Disorder I just described it above LOL.

I hope you all have a blessed day and I get over my grump I hate it when I get like this that means I give her my power she just don't know it. and don't want her to know it I just tell it like it is, try to use common sense and yes I have a lot of hutzpa too much for a tiny woman like me but size don't mean nothing did you hear that spammers??? LOL
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baffeled...you are right. I am new to this...and still learning how to cope. I actuallt came to this revelation last night after posting.
So I guess God is watching and whispering advice to me... because you confirmed it.
I am not trying to be mean ....I am just tired, frustrated, and I also have a few problems with pmdd( depression that comes on during pms) so this week is a tough one.
I usually deal better with things...and do let things slide.

And I pray that words stop hurting so much, because when they come from a person with the personality of " MADEA" and Fred Sanford" rolled up together...they not only hurt, but they paralyze ! Then , youre told your lying...I never said that.
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Brill, none of us are perfect humans, we all get frustrated, depressed, and hurt. We just have to find a way through it and get ourselves ready for the next day. Self preservation is a wonderful thing when done with the right attitude. Just hang in there, decide what is important and what isn't and you'll be A-Alright.
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I do this with work and try at home to. When it is said and done it is done, forget it go to sleep try not to think about it if you have to try to figure out a solution if there is no solution than you can't do anything about it put it in the folder in your brain that says I'll remember this another day or the Scarlett O'Hara file, I'll think about that tomorrow. neon
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Thank you ladies!!
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Hi Roxie,

I just joined this community a few minutes ago and I read your message. I took a deep breath and felt hopeful. I am dealing with the same issue. Mother was independent and now she is like a little wet bird in bed. She fell and broke her hip in Sept. and has not recovered. It has been 6 months now. I feel such a sense of obligation and as you mentioned, very few people see it. I too am an only child so this is on my shoulders. She lived in Puerto Rico all her life and I brought her to live with in the states since this is where I've lived for 33 years and my children and their father are here too. My biggest concern is money as I lost my full-time teaching job in May last year and has not been able to get another one. I do part-time work and it helps with expenses. Mother's income is what is keeping us going and I am grateful. I understand your situation a lot and I also believe at when all is over, we will feel so fulfilled because she did this. But going through right now is scary at times. I already did the funeral arrangements for her, maybe in the back of my mind and I am trying to help her choose the white light and go on to rest in peace.
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Marjoriebr you are doing right thats what I did for my Dad he broke his hip had to have it replaced three times than had to have it removed because of MRSA than had a massive stroke I prepared him arranged his funeral, lovely military, can't hear taps without breaking down, 21 gun salute the whole shabang. He would have been very proud, now its mother and I think her problem outside of the drama queen mememe syndrome is dementia can't seem to think logically at all have to tell her every little thing like make your list on what you want from the store, she won't go anywhere never did, getting bigger and bigger, doesn't listen to doctor she knows it all and knows nothing. its a shame but it is what it is. Good luck and God Bless it will be worth it in the end. Neonwocky
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Marjoriebr, when we see the suffering and lack of any quality of life, we often wish they would/could choose the light, and rest in peace. From what you describe, it will happen with your mother, probably before long. People who haven't been in your position don't understand. People on this site do. Please keep coming back to talk.

My mom and dad bother suffered for years, but five months after Dad let go, Mom did. And thank God, she did. She was more than ready. I feel their (healthy) spirits with me daily.
Carol
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thanks Baffled, I will try that!
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Today is my first time to this site. I found it accidently and feel so blessed to have found it. I won't go into a lot about my story because it's so much like a lot of yours, but possibly not quite as bad. I am my mom's caregiver, even though she is still living on her own. I'm from a family with 10 kids but because they all have "jobs" the responsibility some how fell on me. I love my mom so I would do almost anything for her, but I also have been raising 2 grandkids for the past 7 or more years, which my other siblings don't do, so I wouldn't exactly say I don't have a job. Mine just doesn't come with a paycheck.
My mom has Alzheimers and when she was told she couldn't drive anymore, that became my fault. My younger brother called a family meeting about putting my mom in assisted living and when she found out about it, from a sister-in-law, who has a big mouth, she was mad and of course mom thought this was my idea as well. She went from being the loving mother I always knew to a monster, cutting me down with sharp words every chance she could. It hurt me so much to see her this way after all I had been doing for her. Everyone kept telling me it wasn't her but the disease talking. Well it didn't matter to me who did the talking, it hurt. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep until I made myself sick. I went to my doctor and after talking to him about everything that was going on he said considering everything I was going through, it was no wonder I was sick. He said a lot of it was brought on by stress. Well he put me on Zoloft and it really has helped. I don't feel the guilt as much and I have learned not to be confrontational with my mom. It has helped our relationship enormously, but it wasn't just me fixing me. I had to take control of the situation and not let my mom do what she was doing. I felt weird telling my mom to stop, but I did. She said she didn't realize she was doing it and she may have forgot she did, but either way I said it would stop. So from then on I remind her if she even starts to get out of sorts or I change the subject real quick. I* have found it has helped a lot.
My mom is 81 so I don't really know what stage she is in with her disease so if anyone else can tell me if this is going to get ugly again, please tell me.
I am so thankful I stumbled upon this site. You all seem like a bunch of very caring ladies.
Sandi
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Hi Sandi, I took care of my mother in law who had alzheimers and yes it will get worse, and yes it is the disease, It brings the worst out in most patients unless they have always been blissful, not too many people I know like that. You by any chance haven't lived in GA have you? Sounds like a Sandi I knew here she moved to Ohio. Anyway I know it hurts and there is only so much you can do about it. Try not to change the subject too much, we were accused of stealing money, underwear you name it I was a dirty bitch, I never fed her and those things weren't true my husband was on the road all the time so he didn't see too much of his mother and when he would come in I would make him stay with her so I could get out a little. I always took her to have her hair done and her nails done and let her "boyfriend" come for a visit and stay a week, take them out somewhere and make sure he was treated like gold. It is so hard to deal with alzheimers/dementia. I guess the stage depends on how old she was when it was diagnosed. I've know people in their sixties to have it and live a lot of years. I also took care of my dad for six months than he died it will be two years in may now I am taking care of my mother and thats a whole nother issue. I hope I have helped answer your question and know there are alot of us here who care or we wouldn't be care givers, sometimes we vent sometimes we try to help by discussing our own experiences but than each patient is different. and than again maybe not. Its really hard to put your finger on anything specific. Just be kind and know you are loved and carves some space out for you I try but seems like everytime I do it gets messed up and thats getting real old real quick. take care Neonwocky
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Neonwocky, Thanks for the input. Yes, I was told that my mom accused one of my nephews of either taking money from her or asking her for some and my brother told me that it wasn't true. I didn't bring the subject up to her because I have brought up other things to her that I had heard and she swears that she didn't say them or that if she did, she doesn't remember saying them. Luckily, she has never accused me of anything like that yet. She keeps trying to give me money or buy me things to repay me for doing for her, but I refuse it because I don't want my sibs to think I'm taking advantage of her and I don't want her to misconstrue her actions and then later blame me for stealing either. My sisters and brothers know I would never take advantage of my mom so that I'm thankful for. We have always been a close family, but some of them just act too busy when it comes to issues with my mom.
My mom has been faithfully going to church for a very long time so when she does do something out of character, I kind of remind her that it's not a very christian way to act. I don't exactly say it in that term but so far I have gotten my point across without hurting her feelings too much. Sometimes she will say or do something and I lovingly make a joke about it and then we usually move on to something else. My mom was very active and dependent all her life and I never thought she would ever slow down, but most of this has happened in the past 5 years or so. Her mom lived to be 91 I think, so I'm not sure how long we will have her and so I spend as much time with her that I can. I read that people with Alzheimers usually die within about 7 years of diagnoses or so. Well like you, I think that varies by case.
It is good to know I have a place to come to when things do get too much for me. I have one sister that goes to my mom's on Saturdays and does her hair and nails and gets her out for a while so it's not completely overwhelming for me, but you'd think with 9 siblings, 7 living close by, that it wouldn't all be dumped on me, but like I said, that's not really the case. I just feel sorry for those on here who have no help at all and I feel I'm being a little selfish after hearing what they are dealing with. I could just relate to a lot of their stories, especially the stories about the bowel movement conversations. LOL
Thanks again. :)
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Hi Sandi, have you heard of sundowners syndrome well neither had I until my Husband told me about it last night. Someone from his work told him about it his wife is a nurse. Well its a form of dementia and alzheimers it usually starts at night hince the word sundowners, I believe my Mom is experiencing this. I got her Doctor to order test next week to see if she has Dementia, just google Sundowners Syndrome and there is alot of info on the subject maybe it could help you or someone else. I know its helped me alot! I too have the same problem with my Mom and boy can she get nasty and become a B! I totally understand she will be calm one minute then abusive the next screaming and saying hateful things. I can ignore it for awhile but when she keeps going on I let her get to me then I will say something that I later regret because I realize she doesnt know what she is doing its not her saying those things but the disease taking over. I am the only sibling to caring for my parents and there is 3 more. My Brother comes up from Arizona maybe a couple weekends a month but he usually only comes for one reason to get money from them. I recently got power of atterney becase they cannot do their banking or bills so thats my job as well so now my Brother has to ask me and I know that kills him but thats to bad. I am trying too save money for them because they have none, and we dont know when something is going to happen. So they are going to need that savings, and I cant make them understand that. Cant Afford to live
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