I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
mslisadoll
You are strong for just living your life in the midst of it....You have courage...we all do....we just need to a pat on the back sometimes, for someone to say" well done","youre not alone","and go ahead complain , get pissed,it is unfair.!""its ok to cry"- then we can find the next moment a little more bearable.
This is a good place to get the comfort we need.
God Bless,
enjoy your time out.
I, too, am a caregiver to my father. He is at n-stage Alzheimer's Disease and has lived with me for the past seven (7) years. Oh the stories I could share over these past seven (7) years! LOL! I am not an only child; however, one would think I was given my brother does nothing for daddy or for me for that matter. I do have one son and he is fantastic with grandpa. He and his wife. They are always available to help me out.
I have used so many agencies, I doubted there were any left. None gave the care I wanted daddy to have and they charged a small fortune. I finally, after many tears and many nights filled with curses, followed my dear hubby's advice and started my own agency. Now, not only do I take of daddy, but I also provide care to numerous other patients throughout the day. I have become the "go to gal" when AD is involved!
Is it hard? Yep! Is it worth it? You bet it is! Would I trade one day of it? Not on your life!
If anyone gets to the end of their rope, email me or contact me, or whatever. I am a pretty good listener, a great cheerleader, and sometimes have a solution or two up my sleeve!
Take care of you. Give yourself permission to not always be happy you are a caregiver and take time for you, no matter when you take it, or where! Soemtimes the good Lord provides blessings in the strangest places!
You are one strong, clear minded sistah!!! I wish I had that kind of moxi!
I still feel like a alone , lost child ...trying to deal with reality comin at me full force.
My momz is 81...and the memory is getting worse...she is forgetting things and when I tell her what happened that afternoon( the thing she forgot) she argues that she never said , or did it!
Sometimes she recalls it, but I am having to argue more. I am afraid of the unknown...is it what I am fearing? alzheimers?dementia?
Anywayz...I am just begining to recover from dealing with her , after having shoulder surgeory. Shes healing beautifully, but I have never felt such aloneness in my life during that time....My friends, 1 I counted on for verbal support....didn't truly want to be bothered with me, and was there on the phone... but I could tell wanted to deal with her life and her life only at that time.
The other, never asked about my momz...nor does she when we do speak....
It was just me and Jesus...a lot of tears, and emotional pain...yet I got through it, and so did momz.
Now this... I know this isnt much compared to many of you ladies and your situations....but I just had to say it..." I am scared , and I am angry " Scared of whats happeneing( momz memory loss) and angry( because I am constantly reminding her or trying too... constantly answering the same questions, constantly explaining why, when, where....and constantly feeling like a liar( cause she doesnt believe me on things) I am alone in this.
I know there are meds to help, but thats all I know about it.
I just wish I could have a life....after coming so far from my own illness, situations... I am 41 , single, no kids...which I want desperaetly....will i get a chance?
Sorry guys feeling a little sorry for myself tonight.
Please try not to argue with someone who has a failing memory. It just leads to both parties being upset. Unless it directly involves their safety, try your best to just let it pass. They can't help it but you can soothe things over by just letting it pass after one attempt to help them remember. Let them think you are wrong, after awhile it doesn't hurt any more. After all, we're there to help them, not help ourselves.
My Mother's forgetfulness is reaching epidemic proportions which does cause more frustrations all around but there is no recovering that memory, we just have to deal with it. Yes, we naturally don't like to be called a liar but the way to prevent that is to not make an issue of what they lose or forget. It doesn't gain anything in the long run to have these confrontations but it is sure difficult to change our own reactions to others and just turn loose and let some things slide by.
Basically, it's called 'survival.' Adapt, adjust, learn to live with what is and not what was. You'll feel better about things if you can reach that state of mind.
Remember, they're the child now and we can't be punishing them verbally or otherwise for what they no longer know.
I won't bore you with the trials ands tribulations I'm going through trying to get Mother's income tax documents together, but I will say this: Had I known that she had decided to protect herself from identiy theft by shredding everything that came in the mail that had her SS number on it, I might not be chasing around now trying to get duplicates of all those documents. She got confused about things she was hearing on TV and decided she'd not sit by and let that happen to her. :) But, within a week she had forgotten about doing all that shredding. Just smile, do what has to be done, we can't change what has already happened.
Blessings,
Carol
I hope you all have a blessed day and I get over my grump I hate it when I get like this that means I give her my power she just don't know it. and don't want her to know it I just tell it like it is, try to use common sense and yes I have a lot of hutzpa too much for a tiny woman like me but size don't mean nothing did you hear that spammers??? LOL
So I guess God is watching and whispering advice to me... because you confirmed it.
I am not trying to be mean ....I am just tired, frustrated, and I also have a few problems with pmdd( depression that comes on during pms) so this week is a tough one.
I usually deal better with things...and do let things slide.
And I pray that words stop hurting so much, because when they come from a person with the personality of " MADEA" and Fred Sanford" rolled up together...they not only hurt, but they paralyze ! Then , youre told your lying...I never said that.
I just joined this community a few minutes ago and I read your message. I took a deep breath and felt hopeful. I am dealing with the same issue. Mother was independent and now she is like a little wet bird in bed. She fell and broke her hip in Sept. and has not recovered. It has been 6 months now. I feel such a sense of obligation and as you mentioned, very few people see it. I too am an only child so this is on my shoulders. She lived in Puerto Rico all her life and I brought her to live with in the states since this is where I've lived for 33 years and my children and their father are here too. My biggest concern is money as I lost my full-time teaching job in May last year and has not been able to get another one. I do part-time work and it helps with expenses. Mother's income is what is keeping us going and I am grateful. I understand your situation a lot and I also believe at when all is over, we will feel so fulfilled because she did this. But going through right now is scary at times. I already did the funeral arrangements for her, maybe in the back of my mind and I am trying to help her choose the white light and go on to rest in peace.
My mom and dad bother suffered for years, but five months after Dad let go, Mom did. And thank God, she did. She was more than ready. I feel their (healthy) spirits with me daily.
Carol
My mom has Alzheimers and when she was told she couldn't drive anymore, that became my fault. My younger brother called a family meeting about putting my mom in assisted living and when she found out about it, from a sister-in-law, who has a big mouth, she was mad and of course mom thought this was my idea as well. She went from being the loving mother I always knew to a monster, cutting me down with sharp words every chance she could. It hurt me so much to see her this way after all I had been doing for her. Everyone kept telling me it wasn't her but the disease talking. Well it didn't matter to me who did the talking, it hurt. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep until I made myself sick. I went to my doctor and after talking to him about everything that was going on he said considering everything I was going through, it was no wonder I was sick. He said a lot of it was brought on by stress. Well he put me on Zoloft and it really has helped. I don't feel the guilt as much and I have learned not to be confrontational with my mom. It has helped our relationship enormously, but it wasn't just me fixing me. I had to take control of the situation and not let my mom do what she was doing. I felt weird telling my mom to stop, but I did. She said she didn't realize she was doing it and she may have forgot she did, but either way I said it would stop. So from then on I remind her if she even starts to get out of sorts or I change the subject real quick. I* have found it has helped a lot.
My mom is 81 so I don't really know what stage she is in with her disease so if anyone else can tell me if this is going to get ugly again, please tell me.
I am so thankful I stumbled upon this site. You all seem like a bunch of very caring ladies.
Sandi
My mom has been faithfully going to church for a very long time so when she does do something out of character, I kind of remind her that it's not a very christian way to act. I don't exactly say it in that term but so far I have gotten my point across without hurting her feelings too much. Sometimes she will say or do something and I lovingly make a joke about it and then we usually move on to something else. My mom was very active and dependent all her life and I never thought she would ever slow down, but most of this has happened in the past 5 years or so. Her mom lived to be 91 I think, so I'm not sure how long we will have her and so I spend as much time with her that I can. I read that people with Alzheimers usually die within about 7 years of diagnoses or so. Well like you, I think that varies by case.
It is good to know I have a place to come to when things do get too much for me. I have one sister that goes to my mom's on Saturdays and does her hair and nails and gets her out for a while so it's not completely overwhelming for me, but you'd think with 9 siblings, 7 living close by, that it wouldn't all be dumped on me, but like I said, that's not really the case. I just feel sorry for those on here who have no help at all and I feel I'm being a little selfish after hearing what they are dealing with. I could just relate to a lot of their stories, especially the stories about the bowel movement conversations. LOL
Thanks again. :)